Wife: "Are you okay?"
Husband: No answer
Wife (trying to rephrase it): "What's wrong?"
Husband hears: "What's WRONG with you!?!"
Husband (irritated): "Nothing. Now leave me alone."
Maybe you're smiling right now because you've had a similar conversation with your husband. I certainly have. First it took me years to figure out that he really meant that he wanted to be left alone after this kind of question; then it took me even longer to figure out that this was actually an insulting question to him to begin with. You see, when I ask my husband, "Are you okay?" it generally implies to him that he's not. Then, because I want to connect with him all the more because I'm concerned, I add insult to injury by pursuing him with more questions. The result? He's totally closed off because I'm coming across as disrespectful - hounding and nagging him until he's worn out! Of course, that isn't my intention, but from his male perspective that's just what I'm doing. The last time I forgot this and started in he finally replied, "Look, if I want you to know something, I'll tell you."
So then, next time he's quiet, or I think something's wrong, I'll give it to the Lord and ask Him to nudge my husband to talk - if it's necessary. If he doesn't talk about it, then I'll trust God to take care of it and thank Him for His peace. My husband's problem becomes my opportunity.
Here's just a fun observation on this point. Ever notice when two men greet each other? It's always goes something like this - "Hey, how's it goin'?" Or "What's up?" That's male speak; unlike female speak which typically goes, "Oh hi Susie! How are you?" Ever wonder why that is? I'm still not sure I understand but I've come to respect the difference. I love what Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs, authors of the book "Love and Respect," say about these male/female distinctions: "Not wrong, just different."
Because it perfectly demonstrates this whole issue, I'll close this post by telling you a little story. Recently, my daughter and her friend were riding scooters with a neighbor boy. He fell down and scraped his knee. While he was crying the two girls began to fawn over him and say, "Oh, are you okay?" After a moment's frustration he pleaded, "Stop saying that! I don't want you to say that!"
The funny thing is, when I told my husband what had happened he started to laugh. He said, "He sounds like me. I totally understand where he's coming from!"
Bottom line: Men really dislike the question, "Are you okay?" Ask your husband instead, "Is everything okay?" or "How are things going?" Then, if he doesn't want to talk, clothe yourself with dignity, let it go, and put it in your Father's hands.
"Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future."
Proverbs 31:25
I tend to ask my husband, rather than "Are you okay" and "What's wrong": "Is everything all right" and "Something on your mind, love?"
ReplyDeleteI think, though, that your husband needs to be a little more charitable toward your "weakness" and exercise some patience. He's an adult, so he should know what you mean to ask--or at least refrain from snapping your head off with a dismissive, "I'll tell you if I want you to know; now go away."
Of course, that's between you two, but I can't see that a vicious reaction is a healthy response to genuine concern, however poorly expressed.
Those are great ways to frame your question of concern to your husband. I appreciate you sharing that.
ReplyDeleteAs for my own husband - sorry if I gave you the impression that he snapped my head off. Really he didn't; however, he probably was a little annoyed by what he perceived to be nagging. Like a bear he can be "growly" once in a while, but at other times very sweet. Just this morning he surprised me with a breakfast date!
I think the main thing in our relationship with our husband is that we learn to accept him as he is. Even if he didn't overlook my "offense" I choose to give him grace in such a situation; being fully aware that far too often I'm impatient as well.