My Abortion Story, Part 3 - Set Free

Allow me to start this last section of my story by telling you that there truly is hope for every woman out there who has had an abortion. It doesn't matter who you are or where you've been. Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and He will set anyone free who wants it! He said in John 8:32 (the first verse I memorized after becoming a Christian), "...You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." So before you get to my story below, check out this video by my favorite Christian band, Casting Crowns. The song is called "Every Man" and recently I noticed the wonderful lyrics that relate to post-abortive women. It says, "I am the woman shamed and haunted by the cry of unborn life," no doubt referring to a woman who's aching with regret over her decision to abort; but at the end of the song it has the life-giving, encouraging words, "There is hope for every man, A solid place where we can stand, In this dry and weary land, There is hope for every man.  There is love that never dies, There is peace in troubled times, Will we help them understand, Jesus is hope for every man."

Casting Crowns - Every Man from Casting Crowns on Vimeo.

Fast forward seven years. It was 1994. I was now married and my first child was just over a year old. The little town where we lived was having its annual festival and I was excited to put him in his stroller, walk around and take in the events.


During the course of the day I ran into many people I knew. Glancing up at one point I saw a lady I was acquainted with because I had designed the brochure for the crisis pregnancy center where she was director. With a warm smile she came over to say "hi." While we chatted, she began telling me that the Lord had something new for her and she was resigning her position at the center.


At first, I didn't think too much of it. Then I got that strange, tingly feeling. Soon I had the distinct impression that this meeting was a "God thing." She was telling me that they needed to find a new director. I was dumbfounded. I wondered why it felt like God was nudging me! I wasn't looking for a job. I was a stay-at-home mom. Besides, I didn't qualify to be the director of anything. I was wrestling through all this inwardly while she was talking. And then the question came to my mind - unbidden - What's today's date?


"Oh NO!"  My thoughts tumbled around in my head as I tried to be sure. It was May 16. "Oh yes, child, it's that date," the gentle Voice said. The anniversary date of my abortion. The lady, Barb, unaware of the conflict raging inside my head, suddenly asked, "Do you think you'd be interested? I think you would do a great job." Looking at me intently, she waited for my response. "Um yes, I think I would be interested," I heard myself say. Unable to shake the feeling that this was a divine appointment, I agreed to fill out an application and submit my resume.


Two months later, as the new Executive Director of our local crisis pregnancy center, Barb was working with me to train me in. Up until that point, other than the people directly involved in my abortion, my husband was the only one who knew about it. However, now Barb and the Board members of the center also knew. Well, what was I supposed to do? Lie? It had been a question on the application. "Have you ever had an abortion or advised someone else to have one?" YES on both accounts! Hopefully they won't hold that against me I had thought. After all, that was before I was a Christian. On this particular afternoon though it was on Barb's mind and she asked me a pointed question: "Have you gotten healing for your abortion?"


So I told her the truth. That I had specifically repented of it when I got saved, but beyond that I hadn't given it much thought. And that was the truth - I really hadn't given it much thought because I didn't want to think about it. It was too painful. Much too painful. 


Walking into the second room of our offices, she pulled a book off the shelf, handed it to me and asked if I would be willing to let her go through it with me. It was called, "Forgiven and Set Free" by Linda Cochrane, a Bible study written by a woman who knew first-hand what it was to have an abortion. I stared at the book in my hands. God was there with me in that moment. He was stirring me to new possibilities, new hope. And just like that, it was the beginning of my healing and restoration.



Over the next months we worked faithfully together on the book. I discovered more about God than I had ever known. I grew to love Him with a greater fervency and, more importantly, to understand His indescribable love for me in new and profound ways. Once again, I longed for God and His Word in ways that I hadn't since I was first saved.


The second thing that happened, however,was that I began to understand that what I had been going though was grief - and that grief is a process. It's a unique journey for everyone. You and I can both be post-abortive, but the way that experience will manifest itself in our lives can be totally different. I believe that much of that has to do with the individual things (past sins/idols of our hearts) that God desires to clean up in us in order to move us to freedom. For me, all the ways my abortion had affected me and colored my thinking was a slow process of discovery. Like a creature with many tentacles, it had reached its ugliness into nearly every area of my life. It took time to untangle all that. Those were the places where only God's illuminating light could reach and, eventually, redeem.


If you're reading this and are post-abortive, let me just stop and say right here - He CAN and He WILL do this for you too! He delights to do this for you. Believe what the Scripture says. In Isaiah 61, verse 1 it says of the Lord's Servant (Christ Jesus Himself), "He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, and freedom to prisoners." So are you broken-hearted today?  He will bind up and heal your broken heart. He will do it for you, just as He did for me, because it glorifies Him to bring to pass in your life the very things these verses in Isaiah say He came to do. 


However, maybe you don't think so - you don't feel you're broken-hearted. Is it possible you're in denial about it and instead are the prisoner He came to proclaim liberty to? Trust me - I know how it is to be a Christian and say that everything's okay. To actually think that it's unspiritual to say we need anything beyond our salvation in regard to our abortion. Or how about this one - to say that we've become caught up in psychology (psychobabble?) if we want healing? Yes, I know - and agree! - there is a lot of psychology mumble-jumble that has crept into the church today. I completely renounce that. 


God's healing, however, is not psychology. It's knowing and being able to apply His Word to our life, to the deep places of our heart. If we are to adhere to Paul's instructions in Ephesians 6:1 of being "strong in the Lord and the strength of His might," how do we do it but by really knowing His Word? The last piece of armor spoken of in this passage is the "Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God." While all of the armor is important to stand firm against the schemes of the devil (verse 11), it's the Word in particular that we use as a weapon. By being filled with the Word we will know the truth and be able to defend ourselves against lies. If you've had an abortion, Satan will use every tactic in his book to defeat you by reminding you of that fact. He will heap guilt and shame on you. He will tell you that you're not as good as other Christians - etc., etc.
 
So what do you say - is it possible you need healing? For example, do you tell yourself over and over to forget about your abortion? Do you experience physical or uncomfortable feelings when abortion is mentioned in public? Do you find yourself avoiding books, magazines, or TV programs that deal with the subject of abortion? While these are just a few, they're good questions that can help you get started in thinking about your own experience and need.


Anyway, once I began to sense myself really moving forward I also sensed God doing something else. It was time to tell my story publicly. You see, for some time I had been sharing the ministry of the center at various churches, but never really sharing anything personal. Now I knew the time had come - and I was a nervous wreck! What would people think of me? What if they rejected me? Judged me? Disliked me? Oh, how fear gripped me! I thank the Lord though that He told me to get up - to stop being beaten down with false shame. He had delivered me from shame and guilt because His work on the cross was complete. Did I doubt that? Finally, He reminded me He had called me to this. I memorized 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."


With a little trepidation I stepped up to the podium the first time to share the story of my abortion. It was a National Day of Prayer event and I had been invited to speak. I knew the time was right and as I told my experience I found I grew increasingly at ease with it. I had the peace of God. I also had the attention of the audience; all but one that is. She got up in the middle of my speech, stomped down the aisle, and slammed the door on the way out. Ouch! I don't know what her problem was but I remember thinking that she was probably post-abortive too!


There was still One More Thing that I needed to do to be completely healed but it came about four years later. The Board at the center where I worked had just decided that we needed to add a post-abortion ministry. There was a training seminar out west that spring and they thought I should go. I agreed but wanted a board member to go with me. They chose to grant my request and unanimously decided that our president, Caroline, should be the one. She smiled and said she would like that. The only problem was that she was having her own battle inside that none of us were aware of.


A short time later, probably within a week, she told me privately that she was also post-abortive; she had had two abortions during her college years. Wow, was I surprised! Her? She looked like a mature Christian woman who had it all together! Only then did I begin to realize that there is no "stereotypical" post-abortive woman. They come from all walks of life. Her problem though? After nearly twenty years of marriage her husband had no idea his wife had had any abortions! Do you see the secretiveness of it? The insidious way Satan uses it to keep us from true intimacy and transparency?


She knew she couldn't go until she had told him. Together we agreed to pray about it. Then one day the opportunity opened and she confessed what was long hidden away. It was absolutely wonderful! The grace he extended to her and the way he received it were a beginning to her healing. After she told him he replied, "I always felt like there was something between us, but now I know I have all of you."


Remember I said there was One More Thing? At the time I didn't know I needed it, but it came as Caroline and I went to the conference. We went through all the sessions, which were informative and exciting, and then came the final day. A memorial service. All week I had felt the Lord pressing on me. Besides being informative, the conference was also very emotional for most of us in that room. There were Kleenex boxes on each table for the attendees. For the first time, during that week, I had the distinct impression that the child I had aborted was a girl. God gave me a name - her name. Sylvana. I had never heard that name before, but I knew it belonged to my child, who was safe in the arms of Jesus. At the very end of the memorial service was a "Gathering of the Roses." Each person who so desired went silently forward to pick up a rose in memory of a child or children who had been aborted.


That was it. I needed closure and I got it that beautiful day. You should have seen Caroline and I guard those roses like mother hens on the flight home! We must have looked awfully funny to the other passengers.


Since that time she and I both have worked with a number of post-abortive women, going through that same Bible study I did sixteen years ago. It's been both a wonder and a privilege. We've seen so many miracles and incredible things that God has done.


So, what about you? What can you do if you've had an abortion and are hurting? The following things are some practical steps you may want to take right now:


1. Recognize and believe that God wants to heal you. Seek God in prayer; cry out to Him and don't be afraid. He already knows what's in your heart so there's no use hiding or holding back from Him. Then use a topical Bible - Nave's Complete Word Study Topical Bible is a great one - to do a study on God's healing. I don't believe it's always his plan to physically heal us, but I believe His Word is clear on spiritual healing. It's an aspect of His divine power granting to us all things pertaining to life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3), of being in Christ, and being a new creature (2 Cor. 5:17). Additionally, the concepts of restoration and redemption are great keys to further your understanding.


2. Consider confiding in someone you trust. I know this is really hard. Pray about it though. If you do decide to tell someone and you're a Christian, this should be a sister in the Lord. If you're married, please ask the Lord how and when to go about telling your spouse. You definitely want to show respect to your husband and not just "dump on him." Proceed carefully and only with wisdom from the Lord.

The person you do confide in should be committed to praying for you. This is the reason for your confiding in them. This can be tremendously encouraging - don't underestimate the power of prayer!


3. Find a post-abortion ministry in your area. Ramah International is a Biblically sound ministry with a list of local ministries across the U.S. and internationally. Their website is: http://ramahinternational.org/. Sydna Masse, president and founder of Ramah, has a book entitled, Her Choice to Heal: Finding Spiritual and Emotional Peace After Abortion, which is also an excellent resource.


4. If you can't join a group, you can go through a Bible study with a friend. This is just what I did with Barb. While there's a lot of benefit in getting together with other post-abortive women so that you can relate and share experiences, having one person who cares and is willing to invest the time with you can be wonderful as well.


5. Read Christian novels that contain realistic and encouraging themes related to abortion. Two that I highly recommend are: "Tilly" by Frank Peretti and The Atonement Child by Francine Rivers. Both use discretion and are tastefully done. Also, in addition to novels, there are many books that are the testimonies of women who have healed from abortion. These can be wonderfully uplifting as they describe God's faithfulness in others' lives.


I've listed just a few small steps you can take to get started. In future posts here I will hit on key issues of grieving and the post-abortive woman. As always, please feel free to contact me privately if you need someone to talk to. Email me at titus2homemaker@gmail.com.


"What a wonderful God we have - He is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the One who so wonderfully comforts us and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does He do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us."  2 Cor. 1:3-4 TLB

Grace for Women Who've Had Abortions

Hi there! Check out my blog post over at Grace Roots about giving grace to women who've had abortions. http://graceroots.ning.com/profiles/blogs/grace-for-women-whove-had.

Part 3 of my abortion story will be coming up later this week here at Oil of His Grace.

Blessings on your week!

My Abortion Story, Part 2 - Forgiven

Last time I shared the first part of my abortion story with you. It would be a sad tale if it ended there - just doomed to shame and silence for the rest of my life. It's true that the healing would eventually come, but in the meantime, like other women who've had abortions I learned how to "move on." Over the years, through working in ministry, I've had the privilege of knowing quite a few post-abortive women. I daresay that most of us became expert at faking our way through anything. We knew how to put on a mask; to pretend like everything was okay. During my years of silence I spent a great deal of energy suppressing thoughts about the abortion. Instead, I chose to focus on having fun. Having fun was the way I dealt with my internal conflict. However, as I said before, God had other plans for me and so my first small breakthrough occured when I became a Christian...

The summer after I graduated I was fortunate enough to get a great job as a graphic artist. For the first time I felt I had some true independence. I was making good money, had just bought my first car - a sporty little Mazda RX7 in fact - and, although I had gotten back together with John, I had noticed with increasing confidence that men at work found me attractive. These were "real men" in my mind. Men with good jobs and who were responsible. At this time I was living what I thought was the ideal modern woman lifestyle. A respectable job, a career really, lots of friends, parties, a my-way-or-the-highway attitude...in short - a feminist. As I began to realize that I could have my choice of men, I also began dressing and acting in a way that would get attention. At work, and now also at bars (having been introduced to all the places that allowed underage drinkers), I was flaunting myself. John and I were on again/off again because I was always "exploring my options," as I liked to think in those days.

Two years into this I thought about going back to school. I had been taking some classes at our local junior college, but now I felt restless. I liked school and was really into photography (back before digital!), and so I decided I would pursue a bachelors degree in photojournalism. Around the same time, I got a new boss at work who had just come from management at the Chicago Tribune. By pulling some strings, she told me she might be able to get me a job there. "Perfect," I thought, "I can work at the Tribune and attend Columbia College."

Just a couple weeks after the conversation with my boss, I was offered a position at the newspaper. Now I really was going to make good money. I even reasoned that when I got my degree perhaps I could stay on at the Trib and work for them as a photojournalist. Like frosting on the cake, my new studio apartment I planned to rent in the Hyde Park area of Chicago was really cute too. John and I had ended it for good months earlier, and so now I felt free to do whatever I wanted. Feeling positive about my future, I put in my two weeks notice.

Looking back, I know that the Lord was orchestrating events in my life even before I knew Him. This was one of those times. The two weeks were ticking down and I was growing uneasy. I arrived at work on my last day to discover that my co-workers had planned a going-away party. I was really touched. It also made what I had to do that much more difficult. But it had to be done - I needed to find out if I could still keep my job.

I waited until my boss had a free moment and asked her if we could talk. I don't recall everything about the conversation but I do remember that she was shocked and disappointed. She had put in a good word for me and now I wasn't following through. However, after giving it some serious thought, by day's end she said I could stay if that's what I wanted.

I did want to stay, but truthfully, I'm not sure I knew why I wanted to stay. In hindsight I believe that the Lord ordered my steps during this time so that His purposes would be fulfilled. I had started to casually date a Jehovah's Witness from a different department at work and, of course, he was always rattling on about that. I was getting annoyed by it. At the same time, in my own department, there were a couple of people that I knew were Christians; both were really serious about God. Where before I might have avoided them, now for some reason I felt drawn.

Over the next month or two I bombarded them both with questions about God and the Bible. Finally, the older lady, Laura, asked me if I had a Bible. When I told her I didn't she surprised me by bringing me a new Bible the next day. She instructed me to start by reading John. Embarrassed, I had to ask her what she meant. She told me it was one of the Gospels - blank stare - in the New Testament - a laugh and look of apology - finally, the truth dawned on her and she understood. I was completely Bible illiterate. With great patience she opened the Book and gently took hold of the ribbon, found the Gospel of John, and placed the bookmark there.

From that time on I read the Bible like someone starved. Every waking moment I was glued to its pages. The more I read the more I was convinced that the two people in my department had the answer, and the guy I was dating did not. Sometimes in the break room they would end up debating each other and I would listen intently, soaking it all in. During those days I was getting a real lesson in defending the faith - I just didn't know it quite yet!

Sometime around Christmas I was watching Christian TV one evening after work. A man on there was giving a testimony and asking viewers if they would also like to receive Jesus as savior. That night I prayed along with him as he lead me in a simple prayer of trust and repentance. God had really been drawing me for months and now I wept with a sense of joy and peace. I could hardly wait to see Laura the next day and tell her the good news.

When she arrived I was already there - waiting at the door of our department. "Laura, Laura! I got saved!" I cried out. "Oh praise the Lord!" she responded enthusiastically. We jumped up and down and then embraced each other. I noticed a couple of on-lookers rolled their eyes and I overheard one of them mutter with disgust, "A couple of Jesus freaks."

As the weekend drew near I was anticipating having a whole Saturday to read the Bible and pray. When the day dawned I brewed a large pot of coffee. As I began to pray it seemed the Lord wanted to speak to me about some very specific things. I spent most of the day repenting of different sins as the Lord brought them to mind. Eventually He gently nudged me about the abortion. My heart broke! I hadn't thought about that in so long! In tears I agreed with Him and confessed that my own sinful decisions had brought me to the place of having an abortion. It was not my mom's fault. It wasn't John's or anyone else's. It was mine. I had been living selfishly and the fruit of that was that I had consented to a horrific act of violence against an innocent human being - my baby. This was the first time I really allowed myself to admit the truth. I had been carrying a baby, not just a "blob of tissue;" a convenient lie used by the abortion industry to sell their services, and one perpetuated by the women themselves to soothe their consciences. I had believed a lie in order to protect myself.

I repented and asked God to forgive me. I thought of all the people I had wronged through this one sin. I went on for some time - maybe an hour or two. In the end I felt relief and assurance of His forgiveness. I was just beginning to learn something of His faithfulness and righteousness to "forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

I wish I could say that that's all it takes - just receive God's forgiveness and all will be well. It was a wonderful start to my healing; but it was just that, a start. I unknowingly thought there was nothing left to do. I didn't realize how great the "damage" really was. So I stuffed it again - this time under a Christian veneer.

In my next post I promise to get to the healing part! I had originally planned to do that in this one. However, I think the Lord wanted me to share my testimony because it's too easy as Christians to gloss over painful wounds just because we're saved now. That's in essence what I did. Yes, absolutely yes, there's healing and forgiveness in salvation. Receiving Christ is the most beautiful, wondrous thing that can ever happen to anyone. His work is all-sufficient; I don't want to diminish that. In fact, I want to glorify it and say that He came to give us freedom and truth. I know from personal experience, and from working as a leader in post-abortion Bible studies, that God wants to go much deeper and much more thoroughly than we can even imagine. When He does a healing work it's complete and whole; literally life-transforming. I've seen it happen time and again. Women are set free to become the woman God wants them to be! Next time I will show you how He brought that about in my life and give some practical first steps if you've experienced abortion and want healing.

If, however, you've had an abortion and need immediate help, please feel free to contact me. You may email me confidentially at titus2homemaker@gmail.com.