Acceptance: The Golden Key to Respecting Our Husband

"So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another." Romans 14:19

In my blog post entitled Does Your Husband Need to Change? I explored the issue of trying to change our husbands. I explained how the root of it is discontentment. Additionally, if we're honest we'll find that discontentment is oftentimes accompanied by an unconscious feeling that we deserve better. 

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I also talked about the various ways we attempt to change our husband. I showed you how all these things damage our relationships - not just with our husband, but with God as well. It puts a "sin wedge" between us and God; and it puts up walls between us and our spouse.


Now, the good news is that we, as wives, are not powerless, nor is our situation hopeless. Indeed we have been given the sure promise of God that we have incredible influence over our husband when our heart's desire is to trust Him, and Him alone. This, of course, comes from my favorite "go to" passage for wives: 1 Peter 3. I even sometimes think that this blog has become my own commentary on 1 Peter 3! I love it because it's loaded with wisdom for the challenges we face as women today.


There is much we can do to encourage our husband to want to become a better man - all without the usual strong-armed tactics on our part. But before we get to that, however, I think we should talk about behavior a husband may display that truly should be considered unacceptable. These are much more than "idiosyncrasies," quirks, annoying habits, or even hurtful things your husband may do as a defensive measure. Rather, unacceptable behavior includes things which fall into two main categories: adultery and abuse. Such things should not be tolerated and must be dealt with differently than those ordinary things wives complain about. 


Much has been written on the subject of abuse by people far more knowledgeable than me, so I will not cover that at length here. Instead, if you believe you are in an abusive relationship which would include physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, I would like to refer you to an excellent ministry called Hope for the Heart. By clicking the link to their website I believe you will find tons of Biblical resources to help you deal with your situation.


If, on the other hand, you are facing the challenge and heartbreak of adultery, I encourage you to browse this website for past posts on this subject, including the story of my own marriage. A good place to start is with the post entitled What I've Learned Through My Husband's Affair. From there you may continue through the posts to the present for help on issues such as: finding out about the affair, hurt, trusting God, re-establishing trust in a marriage touched by adultery, forgiveness, and marriage restoration. Please also feel free to contact me personally if you'd like at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. 


And finally, if you are in a marriage where your spouse has left you for another woman, or won't give up his affair partner, please click the link for Rejoice Marriage Ministries in the sidebar to check out their website. I truly believe God led me to that particular ministry during my husband's affair as a means of saving our marriage. I'm sure that you, too, will be very encouraged by their testimony and the resources they have available.

Acceptance - What is it?

First, if your marriage has suffered a lack of acceptance it will come as refreshing as a long, cool drink in a desert when reintroduced. Therefore, please allow me to attempt a definition of acceptance (as it applies to the marriage relationship). I believe it is this: Acceptance is relinquishing control; it is giving your husband freedom to be himself. 

Do you remember when the two of you met? No doubt your husband was your knight-in-shining-armor. He could do no wrong. Not literally, of course. But you were quick to overlook his faults and to look to his better qualities instead. You accepted him.

If you had tried to change your husband when you were courting you probably would never have gotten married. No man wants to marry a "nag." But you didn't nag or harass him. Unconsciously you did what every man wants. You accepted him - faults and all - and he stepped up by aspiring to be the man of your dreams. If I sound a little pollyanna, please forgive me. I certainly realize that life is not a fairy tale but I also encourage you to consider that what I'm saying is more often than not a part of the dynamics of a premarital relationship.

Then the vows are exchanged, the honeymoon over, and reality sets in. Suddenly you realize that your husband isn't so perfect. The weaknesses and faults you had turned a blind eye to (or thought you could live with) have become unbearable, blatant FLAWS! This is when problems usually begin to arise within a marriage. 


In my own it took place within the first year. For some reason my husband's singing started to grate on my nerves. (And he liked to sing a lot!) Unfortunately, I was neither wise nor mature enough at that time to simply laugh it off or overlook it. Instead I made sure he knew that I found his singing annoying! Of course I cringe now as I think back on it. It's sad that I ruined the peace and contentment within our home over something so ridiculous! Furthermore, my behavior began a tragic pattern of criticizing my husband that would encompass nearly every area of his manhood and last for years to come. I was like the foolish woman of Proverbs 14:1. "The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands."


On the other hand, some wives, usually those who have had a good example in their mother or sound spiritual training concerning this, will keep quiet about their husband's faults. 

But it must be pointed out that this generally goes two ways: The first wife, while outwardly keeping quiet and trying not to complain much (she has some self-control), inwardly is seething. In her heart she grows increasingly angry as she builds her "case" against her spouse. Unfortunately it will take only a spark to ignite the forest fire of her anger as it constantly smolders just beneath the surface. One spark and she will light into her husband like he's never seen before! 


This woman has fooled herself. She forgets that Jesus said, "You have heard that the ancients were told, 'YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT MURDER' and 'Whoever commits murder shall be liable to the court.' But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court." What He was saying is that if you harbor anger in your heart against someone, it is as if you are committing murder against that person. You see, Jesus's standards are higher than ours. If you fail inwardly, you ultimately fail outwardly, too.


Since what's in the heart manifests itself in some way (Matthew 15:19), you can usually spot these kind of wives. They're the ones to give their husbands the "cold shoulder" or the "silent treatment." They love to punish their husbands in various ways; oftentimes even denying him of sexual intimacy while he's left to figure out why he's in the doghouse.

Now let's consider the second way a wife may demonstrate a quiet spirit. Just like the first wife, this wise lady also keeps her husband's faults to herself. That is where the similarity ends, however. Inwardly these two women are polar opposites. You see, the second wife considers that she is married to a sinner. As Christian missionary and author Elisabeth Elliot used to say - the only kind of man to marry! She accepts that and has realistic expectations of her husband. Furthermore, wife #2 humbly realizes that she, too, is a sinner - in need of grace. Her hearts speaks thus:  Aha! Grace! That's it! As I have received grace so must I give it. 

Look with me if you will at Romans 15:7, "Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God." Note that there is nothing in this verse about us deserving His acceptance. In fact, in another well-known verse from Romans we read that "while we were YET sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) And please also observe from 15:7 that Jesus's acceptance of us brought glory to God. All of this brings me to the most important point: The second wife knows that her gentle, quiet, accepting attitude will bring honor and glory to her Savior's name as she walks in obedience to this command. 

That, I guess, brings us full circle. It brings us to the next practical section I want to share with you. In it we will explore two questions that we should be asking ourselves:

What Can I Do to Show Acceptance? What Difference Will It Make?

Let's say that up until this point you've been like wife #1: You've been complaining about your husband; telling him how he ought to change. You've struggled with his faults and find them difficult to accept. What can you do? 

Here are three suggestions I have for you with an explanation of each:

1. Change Yourself: Okay, simple enough. You can't change your husband but you can change yourself:

• You can change the way you think about your husband and your situation. You CAN learn to see things in a different light. When tempted to think evil of your husband you must remember what the Apostle admonishes us in 2 Corinthians 10:5, "We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." So take those angry, accusing thoughts captive! "Put off" wrong thinking; but then don't forget to immediately "put on" (replace it with) right thinking (more about this in point #2). Your outward behavior will undoubtedly change as your heart does. This, in turn, may be all it takes to change your marriage!
• You can humble yourself. This is what our Savior did for us. "He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." (Philippians 2:8) It is God's heart that we seek to be like Jesus on this earth. Marriage is the perfect environment for that to happen. It challenges and matures us. The first step, then, and key to all other marriage advice I'm going to share, is to put on humility and accept your husband. This means that if you and I are wise we will heed Jesus's command, "...First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:5) You see, there is NO ROOM for self-righteousness between a husband and wife. It will kill the marriage. As Helen Andelin said, "Only with a spirit of humility can we build a successful relationship with another person."

2. Choose to look to "his better side." Even though the phrase "his better side" comes from the book Fascinating Womanhood, it was the Apostle Paul, of course, who first had this insight directly from the Lord. He said, "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." (Philippians 4:8, my emphasis) Notice how he said that we are to think of the things that are "worthy of praise?" By this I think he meant we are to look to others' (in this case our husband's) better side!

A great way to start is by first realizing that there are some things about your husband that may never change. However, dear sister, guess what?! There are things he has to accept about you, as well! Things that may never change. I certainly know that my husband has things that annoy him about me! It's just a fact of life. And hard as it is, we also have to put up with one another's sins and weaknesses. Unless it's one of the specific situations I mentioned above or in Does Your Husband Need to Change? where other action is necessary, I strongly urge you to pray for your husband, but DON"T preach! Cast all your cares on the Lord but don't attempt to be your husband's "holy spirit." That is God's job - not ours.

Second, another practical step you may take is to do a study of Bible characters who experienced difficult circumstances. Perhaps even difficult marriages. (Abigail comes to mind. Her story can be found in 1 Samuel 25.) Take note of the Bible characters' responses to their situations. What right responses did they demonstrate? Some people in the Bible chose to see their circumstances in a better light (not unlike my encouragement to you to look to your husband's better side). 


Then look at the wrong responses they displayed. What were the results of each type of response? Write them all down in a journal and ask the Lord what He wants you to learn from them.

Now I ask you to go back and think through your husband's faults that you must accept. Yes, I am encouraging you to do this - go ahead! Take it even further and actually write down each one in a permanent place such as the journal I mentioned above, or a notebook. List every single thing you can think of. It may take some time but please be thorough. In my case, one of the things I thought about is how I viewed my husband as a bit cheap. (Even his own family thinks that!) So down it went on my list! 


Now, be sure to add to your list from time to time as any new flaws, annoying habits, or quirks come to mind. However, here's what I want you to do each time you do add something: Either by using a different-colored ink, or mentally imagining yourself, write the word "ACCEPTED" over each one. I personally think the act of physically doing this is a far better reminder than imagining and so that's what I've done. If you are one of those ladies who enjoys stamping you may even like to use individual letter stamps to stamp "ACCEPTED" right over the top of each fault.

Furthermore, while you're learning to accept your husband as he is, also be sure to write down his good qualities. This is his "better side" that I've been talking about. If you choose (remember - how you think is a CHOICE) to consistently look past his faults and look to his virtues instead, you will be amazed at how your attitude improves and feelings of love and respect are rekindled. Remember again Paul's command from Philippians 4: "If anything worthy of praise, DWELL ON (THIS) THING!"


Finally, the last thing I'm going to mention that will train and enable you to look to your husband's better side is to look beneath his faults for underlying virtues. For example, a minute ago I mentioned how I had considered Aaron to be a cheapskate. In retraining my mind - Paul called this process becoming "renewed in the spirit of our minds" (Ephesians 4:23) - I decided I could look at things differently. I became aware of the "virtue" beneath the fault. That is, my husband is an excellent manager of our income and resources. He has done very well with the money God has given us and thus we have a comfortable home that is nearly paid for, and a sizable retirement savings. He is not cheap, but rather frugal and careful. Today I look at my husband in a new light and with a fresh perspective. In fact, I smile when I consider how he is taking such good care of our family! In my next post, where I will discuss admiration, I will explain this entire concept a little further.

3. Let God do the changing. While I briefly referred to this above, I want to add to it here. For starters, if we're honest we wives know that we can't change our husbands. Changing him, though, was never meant to be a part of our wifely "job description." Instead we should be asking: If changing my husband is not my job, then what is?!

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. 1 Peter 3:1-2

Do you see? I know I say this a lot! But your respectful behavior (acceptance being the first and foremost trait) will move your husband toward the Lord - and toward you!! If you feel your husband neglects you for sports or some other hobby, doesn't listen to you, leaves all the child-training to you, continually is inconsiderate - or what ever it is - you can still display unconditional respect toward him. Remember, "unconditional" means that it isn't necessarily "earned;" but is given because you understand and apply God's Word! 


Your respect is beautiful and dignified. It results from having a humble and submissive spirit which you have been cultivating as you focus on changing yourself. Your respect is also very convicting to your man. Consider these remarkable words by Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs, authors of Love and Respect: 


"We firmly believe every husband is convicted by a wife's unconditional respect. This is God's revelation to Peter (1 Peter 3:1-2) and God will honor His own instruction. Those husbands who have sinned against their wives, God will convict... A wife who follows Jesus must take this by faith. As she does the respecting, God does the shaming. Only the believing wife will trust in this. The Christ-follower will believe in the convicting power of God's Spirit (John 16:8)."


So going back to our second question above, "What difference will it (acceptance) make?" I hope the answer is becoming increasingly clear. Acceptance, the first and foremost virtue needed by a wife to truly show respect to her husband, will reap rewards. Your husband will feel free to be himself but encouraged by your respect to become a better man.


In closing I wish to quote a testimonial from Fascinating Womanhood with regards to acceptance:


"I have a wonderful husband but he has some habits I disapproved of, especially his use of tobacco. I always insisted he go into the cellar to smoke even though I accepted this habit in him when we were married. After learning the principle of acceptance, I realized how awful I had been. When he came home that night I confessed my feelings, asking forgiveness for the terrible way I had treated him, and told him that I accepted him as he is. My husband was so tenderly touched that he cried. Later that evening he told me that he loved me for the first time in two years and he slept with his arm around me all night."


I hope you were encouraged by what this lady said! It's exciting to think about the possibilities sisters! Besides the benefits to our husbands, acceptance will reward us, and indirectly, our children as well. God will be glorified in our homes.


I am anxious to put this post up and am going to do so now without a lot of "proof-reading" first. Please excuse any careless or silly mistakes! I'll be back over the weekend to tweak it some, but in the meantime you may find some errors. It's just that I feel an urgency to publish this now for some reason.


Your comments, as always, are welcome. I apologize to Karin whose lovely comment earlier this week was accidentally deleted by yours truly!


Please go in peace my friends!

Does Your Husband Need to Change? Wives, God is More Able Than You!

Okay, so maybe I'm stepping on some toes with the title of this post! Sorry, but I've got to be honest - some of us are trying to change our husbands and shouldn't be. How do I know this? Because I've been guilty of it, too! So let me ask a blunt question. How's that working out for you? Does your husband respond well to your criticism or complaints? How about your "helpful suggestions" or "loving correction?" If I had to guess I would bet that he responds like mine - not too well! 


Since I'm assuming that most of my audience are Christians, I'll begin with a couple verses that might be commonly used as objections to a wife "keeping quiet." The first one I'm thinking of is the verse that says we are to "speak the truth in love..." (Ephesians 4:15). Many have quoted this verse to support the idea of mutual accountability. Others go further by adding Ephesians 5:21, "And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ." I hope to show you, however, that a closer look at these verses puts them both into context for us.


First, in Ephesians 4, we see from the passage surrounding verse 15 that Paul is speaking of the church attaining to "the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man," etc. He is desiring that the teaching of true doctrine continue so that these things will happen and believers will not be "tossed here and there by waves." 


In verses 11-12 Paul tells us whom was to carry out this teaching and the desired result of such teaching - that each member of the body become equipped for service and also able, as we've read in verse 15, to "speak the truth" (sound doctrine) with one another: "And He gave some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ." (Ephesians 4:11-12) 


Paul meant for these men of God, called to serve in the various offices of the church, to exercise the gift of teaching the truth so that the congregation would be enabled to encourage one another in these truths. The leaders' teaching was to be repeated among all believers so that none would become as children -tossed around, believing every new wind of doctrine and being led astray. "As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming." (Verse 14)


It must be concluded that nowhere in this passage do we see any connection to, or encouragement of, wives admonishing husbands. We must be careful not to add that in! Please don't read into this passage what would be entirely contrary to Scripture that so clearly tells us of the quiet attitude that God intends us wives to have. (See 1 Peter 3:1-4) Therefore, let me be emphatic: Ephesians 4:15 does not give any one of us license to hold our husband to account, keep him in line, or straighten him out!


Secondly, we have Ephesians 5:21. At first glance this verse looks like what many women hope for - a way of "equalizing" things a bit. Again, let's look at it in context. In this passage, beginning with verse 15, Paul tells us how believers are to encourage one another. In verse 21 he ends it summarily by saying that we are to submit to one another. However, he doesn't leave it to chance that we would misunderstand him. He wants us to understand the order of things. In the very next breath, by way of explanation, he tells us what that submission is to look like: 

"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself." (Ephesians 5:22-28)

Do you see? Your submission, dear wife, and your husband's "submission" are lived out in different ways. Both are distinct and important in building each other up.

Now that we hopefully have cleared that up, let's move on to what trying to change your husband will do - and, in the next post (hopefully soon), what you can do instead!

Wanting Him to Change Equals Discontent

Here's the point I want to make from the outset: Your attempts at changing your husband equals discontent. I don't care how you or I try to justify this, it just does! It doesn't matter that you think you're trying to "help him;" or whether you actually know that you just want him to different - both are manifestations of a discontent spirit.

So what does this mean for us when we find ourselves in this boat? What does it do? I want to look at that now; for I believe the result is that it hurts our two most important relationships:

1) With God - The discontent we demonstrate by trying to get our husbands to change is actually evidence of a deeper problem. That problem is unbelief. And so we must ask - what warning does the Scripture give concerning this? For the answer let's look at Hebrews 3:12, "Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God."

About this verse Barnes' Notes on the Bible says: "The word 'unbelief' is used to qualify the word 'heart,' by a Hebraism - a mode of speech that is common in the New Testament. An unbelieving heart was the cause of their (the Israelites') apostasy, and what worked their ruin will produce ours. The root of their evil was 'a want of confidence in God' - and this is what is meant here by a heart of unbelief. The great difficulty on earth everywhere is a 'want of confidence in God' - and this has produced all the ills that man has ever suffered. It led to the first apostasy; and it has led to every other apostasy - and will continue to produce the same effects to the end of the world."

So you see, the discontent you or I feel toward our husband, and the subsequent desire for  "helping" them to change, really stems from what Albert Barnes here referred to as "a want of confidence in God." When we step into the place of correcting, admonishing, or more subtly, of dropping hints, we have moved from entrusting our husband to God - to trusting in ourselves. In the former we (rightfully) give the care of our husband over to God; in the latter we rely on ourselves to look after him. 


And, it must be added, if we do end up doing the latter, we will inevitably begin the process of what the writer of Hebrews warned us about. If you don't remember, look back at the verse above to see what he said about unbelief. Do you see it? It will lead us to "fall away." Those are strong words, my friends! Now, I don't think any of us who call ourselves Christians really intend to do this. We don't mean to be controlling and trusting in ourselves; we don't mean to be unbelieving and endangering of our spiritual lives. Unfortunately, however, that is exactly the risk we take when we operate outside God's "guidelines" for the behavior of wives. Slowly, sometimes imperceptibly, through the subtleness of this sin, we harden our hearts through unbelief.


Of course the end result of this is that it will greatly hurt our relationship with the Lord. And do you know what He will do in relation to this? Look with me at another verse from Hebrews: "For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” (Hebrews 12:6) So, my friend, I beg you to save yourself much pain and grief - please reconsider your course if you find yourself doing any of the following:


1. Telling your husband how he ought to change
2. Pointing out his faults (I will share a better way to deal with this in the next post.)
3. Belittling him and/or his opinions
4. Manipulating situations meant for his "instruction." Things such as bringing home movies with a message you think he needs to hear; arranging beforehand for a person to bring up a certain subject in your husband's presence; or leaving books, pamphlets, or articles opened up where your husband will see and (hopefully) read them. (Okay - guilty here!!)
5. Questioning "why" he does things with the implication that his choice is wrong
6. Pressuring him to do things your way


There are countless other ways you and I try to change our husbands but, again, all these things will surely lead us away from God. Instead they will increasingly move us toward further unbelief and ultimately toward idolatry of ourselves as we attempt to sit on the throne - the throne meant for God alone! Dear sister - if you find yourself in this place today - again I implore you to quickly repent and trust God instead.


2) With Your Husband - Your marriage over time will suffer as you try to change your husband. In fact, I'm not trying to scare you but quite a few women I've talked to whose husbands have had affairs said that, before the affair happened, they always felt like their husband needed to change or "shape up." Now, when a wife is feeling that way it's very hard not to act on it for what we think in our hearts becomes known in our words and actions. Jesus said it this way: "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." (Matthew 12:34) So you see, if we continually entertain thoughts about our husband's need to change, of his "deficiencies," we will end up waging a war of words against him...I know because I, too, was one of those wives. 


Most important in your relationship with your husband is how he will interpret your discontent with him. Two ways come to mind: 


1) He will feel that you disdain him. This feeling will be strong if you are very persistent in your efforts at changing him. He may become tempted to "look elsewhere" for reassurances. This is why the Bible tells us that the adulteress woman is a flatterer. She knows the need of man to have someone admire him and at least appear to respect him. 


2) He will perceive your discontent as disrespect. To a man this is HUGE! In the book For Women Only - What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by author Shaunti Feldhahn, she tells of the survey (and extensive interviews) she conducted of hundreds of men. One question on the survey was eye-opening to her. It read, "Think about what these two negative experiences would be like: to feel alone and unloved in the world OR to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone. If you were forced to choose one, which would you prefer?" Overwhelmingly - three out of four men (74%) - said they would choose "alone and unloved;" while just 26% said "inadequate and disrespected." 


You see then, respect is as essential to a man as love is to a woman. Respect is simply not to be overlooked by God-fearing wives! The subject of respect, in fact, is the very reason I am writing these posts. I want to help wives understand what respecting their husbands "looks like" and how to live that out (see the poll on the sidebar for a glimpse of how many readers here feel they need insight into this). I truly believe these teachings will help build marriages and make happier and more contented wives, too.


Additionally, we should consider how your husband may respond to feeling your disdain and disrespect. We've already briefly looked at one possibility. Of course, not every husband who feels disrespected is going to choose adultery; but still, you may be sure that he will respond in some way. More often than not he will begin to build a wall which Helen Andelin in Fascinating Womanhood calls "his reserve."


Basically, a man's wall of reserve is his attempt to protect himself from the pain of humiliation. He may appear to his wife to be closed up, unwilling to talk, or just plain distant. Additionally, a husband may respond by having cooled feelings toward his wife. When she openly suggests he needs to improve he may reject her altogether. Obviously, any of these responses are hurtful and harmful to both partners in the marriage. 


Let me conclude, therefore, with a confession. I certainly have my own struggle in this area. It's not so much that I think negatively about my husband (like I used to do); rather it's that I read, see, or hear things that I feel sure would "help" him! (Just a little bit of pride here!) I recently told a friend that it's not God's strength to do something that I'm praying for; it's His strength to not do something that I need - namely, to keep from saying things! 


If you can believe it, just now as I was sitting here writing this post, my dear husband called and told me that he isn't going somewhere tonight I really hoped he would. I thought it would be spiritually encouraging to him. So, guess what I did? I reminded myself that I'm a new "me" and sweetly replied, "Whatever you want to do, honey."  Now, was that easy? NO! I wanted to tell him that I thought he should go. But I know that would have only brought discord. Totally not worth it!


So friend, if you've stuck with me this far and you're finding that you need (like me) to guard yourself against this common tendency in wives of pressuring their husbands to change, I ask you to stay tuned in to this blog. Next time I'll help you to discover godly ways that will encourage your husband to change. All without you ever saying a word of disrespect - or stepping outside your God-given role as helpmate!


If I can be of any assistance to you at all, or if you need to speak with me privately, please feel free to contact me by email at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. May all of you go in peace this week!

Examples of Fascinating Women from Literature

Since reading the classic book Fascinating Womanhood I find myself examining other literature for women who embody the essence of a fascinating woman. In her book author Helen Andelin describes two sides of the ideal women from a man's point of view; what she calls the "Angelic Qualities" and the "Human Qualities." 


The first half of Fascinating Womanhood deals with the Angelic qualities of a woman, particularly focusing on understanding men and their needs. Among these needs are the need for acceptance, appreciation, and admiration - things which I believe coincide beautifully with the mandate of Scripture that tells wives they must respect their husbands:


"Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33)

The second half of the book deals with the woman herself. Such things as having radiant happiness, a worthy character, and understanding her own feminine nature. These qualities, of course, are all reflected in the well-known passage of Proverbs 31:10-31.

Imagine then my delight a couple weeks ago when two women, each exemplifying one side of the fascinating woman, nearly jumped off the page at me in separate books! Let me explain. In my personal devotion time I've been going through John Piper's book Desiring God for a second time. I first read it about fourteen or fifteen years ago but one day recently, as I was rummaging through a box of books, I was excited to rediscover it. Perusing through its pages, I hadn't gotten far (in fact only through the preface of my "tenth anniversary edition") when I read these words, written to his father: 


"The dedicatory words I wrote in 1986 are still true ten years later. I can recall mother laughing so hard at the dinner table that the tears came down her face. She was a very happy woman. But especially when you came home on Monday." (His father was a traveling evangelist.) "You had been gone two weeks. Or sometimes three or four. She would glow on Monday mornings when you were coming home. 


"At the dinner table that night (these were the happiest of times in my memory) we would hear about the victories of the gospel... Holy and happy were those Monday meals. O, how good it was to have you home!"


Amazing! Now just what quality of hers do you think really jumped out at me? Yes, of course - John Piper's mother was a radiantly happy woman - and her children and husband were incredibly blessed by it. I also hope you noticed - as I did - that his mother didn't appear to harbor any self-pity over her husband's long absences. In fact, she seems to have portrayed complete contentment in her circumstances, as well as a steadfast support of her husband. She hung on his words and taught her children to do the same. What a fascinating woman Mrs. Piper must have been!


Secondly, over the last several months my daughter and I have been (slowly) reading through the Anne of Green Gables books together. It's always a joy to read-aloud good quality literature. Books are a perfect way to demonstrate to my daughter how we should interact with everything we encounter; comparing - in this case the adventures of Anne Shirley - with the one true story, the gospel of Jesus Christ. For that reason I make every effort to point out a book's themes and the virtues (or faults) of its characters.


In the fourth book of the series called Anne of Windy Poplars, Anne Shirley is now engaged to her childhood friend, Gilbert Blythe. During this time the couple is separated while Gilbert attends medical school and Anne takes a teaching position. In the little town where Anne teaches she boards with some lovable characters including two elderly ladies, Aunt Kate and Aunt Chatty, and their maid, Rebecca Dew. Since they cannot be together, Anne and Gilbert must content themselves with written communication. Much of the book, therefore, is actually Anne's long letters to him. 


In the second chapter she shares with Gilbert some snippets of love letters written by Aunt Chatty's grandmother. Although short, I was delighted to read the excerpts (and Anne's comments that follow) and immediately thought of what a beautiful example they are of a woman who knew how to captivate the heart of her husband through her respectful demeanor and attitude. As I share them I hope you'll especially note that Anne seems to possess a keen understanding of the effect of such words on a man (this also being a virtue of a fascinating woman!). So here's the first one. It appears on page 23 at the start of a letter to Gilbert: 


"Honored and Respected Sir:-
     "That is how a love letter of Aunt Chatty's grandmother began. Isn't it delicious? What a thrill of superiority it must have given the grandfather! Wouldn't you really rather prefer it to 'Gilbert darling, etc.?' "


In the second, Anne closes a letter:


"Your obedient servant,
"Anne Shirley.


"P.S. That was how Aunt Chatty's grandmother signed her love letters."


I know they're small things, but aren't these wonderful quotes? Or do they seem old-fashioned? Maybe a bit "formal?" If they do sound a little strange to our modern ears it's probably because we don't hear such talk from women nowadays! But, really, perhaps we should. Perhaps we women who love God and His Word should stop and really consider how we speak to our husbands. Are we building our husband up by showing him respect? I encourage each of us to examine our heart and answer that one honestly! 


As many of you know, I didn't always do this. In fact, I'd have to rank my past performance somewhere in the range of 1 (or maybe 2) out of 10. Sad but true! But these days I make intentional efforts at speaking respectfully to Aaron. I consider how I might "make his day."  Now, to be sure, for each husband that will mean something different. Our job, ladies, is to know and study our own man so we can bless him in a way that will be meaningful to him. I pray all the time for God to give me insight as to how I might do that. One little way I have discovered is to occasionally call my husband "Mr. S_______." I say it in my sweetest, most admiring voice. Honestly this almost always causes him to light up - no matter what sort of mood he's been in!


Therefore, getting back to Anne, her observation was absolutely right - any man would be "thrilled" to be spoken to in such a delightful way as "Honored and Respected Sir." If you doubt this, here's a question to consider - wouldn't you thrill to be called something like "Cherished and Loved Lady" by your husband? If your answer was "yes" then I have some good news. I truly believe that any man treated to this beautiful, dignified, consistent attitude by his wife will most certainly grow to cherish her more than life. He may not always say this; but he will undoubtedly show it in a multitude of other ways.


Finally, dear sisters, do we realize, as Aunt Chatty's grandmother seemed to, that we were created to be our husband's helpmate - his "obedient servant?" That if we are married we've actually been called to be a servant? At the risk of sounding cliché, let me gently remind you that "what God calls us to, He sees us through!"


Oh friend - don't be dismayed at the thought of treating or speaking to your man in a "subservient" way. Instead look to and follow Jesus, of whom the Bible says, "...the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." (Matthew 20:28) And let it be from your heart - let it flow from an attitude set on pleasing your husband above yourself. Please study and meditate on Philippians 2:1-8 for additional encouragement in this area.


Before I close, I also encourage you to keep your eyes open as you read books, watch movies, or even browse the internet. Within each of those things you will surely find a wealth of women whose example is worth following. Women who reflect the glory of their Maker as they relate to their husband and others around them. Ask yourself questions about what it is they do; what habits they have; and how they make a difference in others' lives - and then go and do the same.


Blessings on each of you this week! If you have anything to add to this I'd love to hear from you soon!

Should We Be a Doormat When Our Spouse Cheats?

For all my dear readers I'd like to clarify my position on this question and state in one place what I believe is the Biblical response to an unfaithful spouse. Recently, I was contacted by a reader who mentioned the aspect of being "quiet" in regards to our husbands - an admonition clearly supported by Scripture (1 Peter 3:1) and which I've written about here. Now, to be clear - this lady did not say she came away with the impression from this blog that I mean for women experiencing their husband's unfaithfulness to become "doormats." However, it got me thinking - Could I seem to be giving that impression?


So please allow me to try to state my position the best I can. To attempt this I will retell a little of our story. Then I want to conclude with what I believe Scripture (most importantly), as well as my own experience, have taught me about a godly response to adultery. Let me begin by saying that as far as I can tell, adultery is a sin as any other. No where in the Bible can I find it singled out as being "worse" than any other. Yes, it's infinitely more hurtful than, say, your husband raising his voice in anger at you. But it is no worse a sin in God's economy then another because of one simple fact: All sin requires atonement. It requires that a price be paid for it. 


The good news (what we call the gospel) states that Jesus Christ, God incarnate, became a man in order to do that. He willingly laid down His sinless, perfect life through death on a cross. In this He satisfied the wrath of God; poured out upon Him because the Father's pure holiness demanded it be so. Look with me at Matthew 27:46, where Jesus is hanging on the cross:

"And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"

Commentator John Gill says of this verse that Jesus "was now without a sense of the gracious presence of God, and was filled, as the surety of his people, with a sense of divine wrath, which their iniquities he now bore, deserved, and which was necessary for him to endure, in order to make full satisfaction for them; for one part of the punishment of sin is loss of the divine presence."

So with this in mind, we must have a view toward our husband's sin of adultery as one that is covered by the blood of Jesus. Truly you and I are no better and are every bit as deserving of God's wrath as they are. "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God..." (Romans 3:23) But thanks be to God that He did make a way for us to have our sins forgiven and to become righteous: "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." (2 Corinthians 5:21) And, friend, it is because of this great truth that the apostle Paul can admonish us in Ephesians 4:32:

"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."

So for me, during that summer of my husband's emotional affair I waited through long weeks of despair hoping and praying for my husband's repentance. I anxiously awaited his sorrowful apology so that I could forgive him. I remember my pastor assuring me over and over again, "We'll know true repentance when we see it." 


Simultaneously, as many of you know, I felt the Lord showing me to love him unconditionally - even while he was exceedingly difficult to "love" in his state of hostility and anger. However, before I go any further, with my seeming willingness to "toot my own horn," I must stop right here.

First, because it's necessary for me to give you a realistic picture of what kind of wife I really had been up until that point. Because you see, for most of the seventeen years of marriage I had shown neither unconditional love nor respect toward my husband. This is completely unlike God - who showers even unrepentant, wicked sinners with His gifts. Sometimes we refer to this as "common grace," which is based upon Matthew 5:45, "That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."

And may I suggest that Scripture teaches us that it is this very thing - His unfathomable kindness towards hostile sinners - which leads them to repentance. This is because it tells us in Acts 2:4, "Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?" You see? It's the kindness, the love which He demonstrated toward us "while we were yet sinners" (Romans 5:8) that assured us we would be safe and accepted by Him if we would repent. We could rest and take comfort in the knowledge that we had a place to "come home to," so-to-speak.

So getting back to my situation, it was a relatively short amount of time between when I found out about Aaron's affair, and when he cut if off (or at least I believed he had). I still had every hope that our marriage could be saved. As I look back, I truly believe that at this time it was crucial that I show my husband unconditional love because he needed to trust that I would offer forgiveness should he confess his sin and ask for it. He couldn't have done this based on our past; for I had not shown him much (true) kindness and acceptance. This leads me to share, dear sister, a significant and humbling truth - God showed me to love Aaron because He wanted me to be a reflection of His great love and mercy towards us. My husband was messed up spiritually and God was going to use a "cracked pot" like me to show him (albeit imperfectly) what God was like.


It reminds me of the book of Hosea. (Not that I'm on the same level as him - I'm not!) However, the prophet also had the task of showing what God was like to the unfaithful nation of Israel - through his own marriage to an unfaithful wife. Time and again Hosea showed her his love and took her back. If you haven't read it in a while, I highly encourage you to read it sometime soon. Meditate on how it can be applied to the heartache of adultery in your own life.


Secondly though, loving my husband while enduring hostility was made a little "easier" for me because I was deceived about it being over between he and the other woman. In some respects I believe that God allowed this extended time of deception. Had I known otherwise - I doubt I would have stuck with it. I believe I would have quit and gave up. Figuratively speaking, had I been allowed to see the real giants I was facing, I would not have had that time to love another human without condition, and without return! The opportunity for growth in goodwill (see Proverbs 31:12) and maturity this brought into my life, as a result, would have also been lost. In the end, if I had not been allowed time to develop unconditional love for Aaron, he probably would not have believed that I would be willing to truly take him back and forgive him. 


And, indeed, even though I had been living this out for a couple months - not perfectly but trusting the Lord to help me in my weaknesses - I was still about ready to throw in the towel when I found out in August that Aaron was still sneaking around. That day of discovery, the one when I met my friend Rachel for coffee (which I wrote about in The Way God Answered Prayer for My Husband's Repentance), I explained to all of you how I figured I would have to call the divorce lawyer on Monday. 


What I didn't mention in that post, however, was that I had actually given Aaron an ultimatum earlier in the day. I told him that he either end it with the other woman or I would divorce him. But since he didn't seem too bothered by my ultimatum and still planned on meeting with his adultress, I concluded that divorce was the only answer. 


Meeting with Rachel that day was really for my own comfort because I was feeling so totally hopeless and drained. I thank God, though, that in reality it was Him who ordained that timely meeting, and that prayer was a natural thing for us to do. Again, if you'll remember, it was in answer to those desperate prayers uttered at the "eleventh hour," that God brought my husband to repentance. That day represented a crisis brought to a head through weeks and weeks of standing in the gap for our marriage through prayer. Praise GOD!!


Now, I've talked about unconditional love. It is an attribute of our Heavenly Father which He lavishes on us to draw us to Himself; and one which we wives can also use to win our husbands back to ourselves. But I also need to talk about this other "thing." And that's the idea of what some call "tough love." 


Perhaps the most well-known advocate for its practice is Dr. James Dobson who wrote the book, Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis. Now, I know I've shared somewhere on here that I don't agree with Focus on the Family and Dr. Dobson on everything, but following this book's advice was probably the #3 thing (prayer and unconditional love being the first two) that I did to save our marriage. 

Is Tough Love Biblical?

But some might say, "Is tough love Biblical?" Yes, but before I explain why I'll give a brief explanation of what it is. First, as its premise, as I understand and would apply it, is the idea of dignity. For love to flourish in any relationship it must be free of abuse and each person's dignity upheld and respected. Dignity is based on the fact that we are all created in God's image. (Genesis 1:26) To hurt or harm another human being is a frontal assault against their dignity. Because of this, it is oftentimes in the best interest of the person being victimized (or betrayed in the case of adultery) to separate from the other person for a time. It is made clear by the one betrayed that they still love the adulterer, and would welcome them back when and if they repent, but that they cannot tolerate such behavior any longer. There is NO begging, crying, promising to "do better," or any other such thing on the part of the person betrayed. To do so would be to...1) Hurt and deny their own dignity (and basically say, "It's okay; you can step all over me and I'll still be here;" and 2) Hurt the relationship with the balance of "power" being tilted in favor of the one sinning. Consider the picture of equality (verse 21, below) - yet with different roles - the Bible paints for us in regards to the marriage relationship:

21...And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. 22Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church." (Ephesians 5:21-29)

Aside from the issue of God-given dignity, another reason to support the idea of tough love is found in this verse: "Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted." (Galatians 6:1) Now, at first glance you may be wondering how this verse demonstrates tough love. In fact, you might be thinking, it says to restore in a spirit of gentleness! 

A look at the Greek word, katartizo, that is here translated as "restore" may be helpful. It's meaning is: "repair or adjust -- fit, frame, mend, (make) perfect(-ly join together)." What I believe we can glean from this is that the way in which we must approach the person in error is to be gentle - meaning specifically our demeanor and attitude; and that it must also be coupled with the right motivation. But, the actual "act" must sometimes seem hurtful. Think about it... Repairing, adjusting, and perfectly joining two things together takes some bending, twisting, and shaping - all things which are good, but require us to be forceful when necessary.

And that's precisely what we do when we confront another's sin. We "force" a crisis. In the eighteenth chapter of Matthew, verses 15-17, we are familiar with the steps of dealing with a sinning brother. We see that they are progressive. In verse seventeen Jesus tells us that in the case of the brother who won't address his sin even when finally confronted by the entire church, we are basically to disassociate with that person and treat them as we would anyone else outside the church. 

Paul later confirmed this when he said, "If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter, take special note of that person and do not associate with him, so that he will be put to shame." (2 Thessalonians 3:14) And even more strongly when he seemingly dealt harshly with one particular unrepentant man: "I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus." (1 Corinthians 5:5) Look closely and we see that Paul was actually creating a "crisis" for that person by discontinuing fellowship with him - while having that person's ultimate good in mind. 

Getting back to my situation for a minute. Where I believe I was in error was in jumping immediately to the idea of divorce, rather than an ultimatum that included separation. In this I feel like my commitment to the marriage wavered. Now, to God's praise and mercy, I cannot say why but He still chose to use my feeble and imperfect attempt at forcing a crisis; and I'm certainly glad he did! In fact, my husband has said that it was the combination of my loving acceptance of him, yet unwillingness to be stepped all over, that drew him and made him come back to his senses.

However, as much as I'm thankful it worked that way for us, I would not suggest to anyone reading this that you quickly go from showing a willingness to forgive, to stomping your foot down in a ultimatum of divorce. Please remember that patience and long-suffering are virtues that the Lord develops in us through such trials. (James 1:2-3) These require us to work through the process with care. After all, marriage is meant to be a lifetime covenant and therefore must always be handled with an eye toward restoration - the very thing we've been reading about in the verses on correction above! 

But the question remains. How do we do that? How do we proceed during a spouse's unfaithfulness? All I can say is that it requires us to pray like we've never prayed; to have faith in God's goodness; and - probably most important - to have hope. For hope is always centered on the ministry and work of the Lord Jesus Christ. He is what gives us hope during dark days. To that end we can take comfort in knowing that there is more to this life than what is seen, and that God's purposes in everything are bringing about a "far greater weight of glory." (2 Corinthians 4:17) 

And so this is what we're to be about in the midst of such an awful trial as this... About bringing the focus back to God's amazing grace and sharing that with a person desperately deceived and "taken captive by (Satan) to do his will." (2 Timothy 2:26)

So, yes, I truly do believe that tough love is Biblical and has its place. But I also believe that, before that happens, there needs to be unconditional love and a willingness to forgive shown. Is it a sacrifice on the part of the one who is being sinned against? The wife who is living with her husband's hostility and unfaithfulness? Yes, a thousand times yes! But again - it all goes back to Jesus - the One whom (if we are Christians) we claim to follow! And I believe He does ask us this... Will you follow Me? 

"For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:3)

Dear sister, if you are one who is going through your husband's adultery today, I suggest you first throw yourself at the feet of your merciful God and savior. He promised to be near to those who are brokenhearted. "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted, And saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18) 

Then, consider balance in your approach toward your husband. Remember, God Himself is neither all love, nor all justice. At first He patiently endures our wandering and sin. Though it grieves him terribly, we've seen above how He will attempt to draw us to Himself by showing kindness and love. However, if that doesn't get our attention, He oftentimes uses chastisement. Usually He does this by bringing about some sort of crisis in our life. 

Additionally, never go about this alone! Seek godly and Biblical counsel; while at the same time continuing to read the Bible first to gain wisdom, and then adding in books such as "Love Must Be Tough." When you do read any book make sure you weigh it against Scripture as the Bereans of Paul's day did. Finally, this is very important - when considering taking any action, such as presenting an ultimatum (which the book by Dr. Dobson clearly shows how to do), always pray and seek God's will and timing in such matters.

I hope through this post I've made it clear where I stand concerning the question the title of this post asks. I hope I've convinced you that, no - we're not to be "doormats" in any sense of the word. We have dignity, given to us by our Creator. We also have a duty to love and look to others' good - and allowing someone to continue in sin is not loving! In fact, to do so would be disobedience to Scripture. Therefore, each one of us can show our dignity as a woman by being both loving and confrontational. Being confrontational does not mean acting as our husband's conscience; but rather - as our text above said - we are to seek to restore him in a spirit of gentleness.

If you have any comments I welcome them. I do regularly pray for my readers and I am so thankful for each and every one of you. Go in God's peace and protection this week!

Foundations of Biblical Femininity Vs. False Femininity

Please let me apologize about some "technical difficulties" that I had with the last post. It seems that once in a while here on Blogger some of my text will disappear after I publish. For some reason that's what happened last time. (A little bit frustrating to look over your post and see that parts of it don't make sense!) Anyway, hopefully now the last post flows a little better. Pray for me as I try to get this situation straightened out. Thanks for your grace and understanding in the meantime!

I also covet your prayers for our son. He is really struggling and we've gone through some pretty rough waters with him the last couple weeks. That's the reason I haven't been on here lately. He is not currently walking with the Lord and has a lot of issues of bitterness. I would so appreciate a quick prayer on his behalf!

Well, I've said enough here and now I really want to move on. Please join me for this second post on Biblical femininity vs. false femininity...

Stimulates to Sin, or Stimulates to Love & Good Deeds?

My end goal of this series is that after understanding what the above question means, you'll give it some real consideration. In fact, before we move on from these next few posts and do anything else, I hope each one of us will seriously think about what the end result is of the type of femininity we're living out. What kind of influence do we have as individual women? I pray that each of us will be sober and honest before the Lord.

Therefore, in order to answer these questions, over the next couple weeks we're going to first be comparing Biblical femininity and false femininity to see what each one "looks like;" followed by examining what sort of effect they have on other people. Especially important for us to see is what effect they have on men - particularly our own husbands. Finally, we'll conclude by seeing what God's heart is in this matter.

For these reasons I'd like to begin by briefly referring back to what I said earlier about adulteress women. Specifically that they come on to married men by means of flattery - an evil counterfeit of wifely respect; as well as false femininity - a counterfeit of Biblical femininity. These two are packaged up in one big box we would call "seduction." An adulteress is really expert at this. She knows well how to lure men in - men who, in reality, have a God-given need for truly feminine women. 

And yet, the adulteress is not truly feminine. Not by God's standards. She satisfies no real need in a man's life. Her only shot at "success" lies in her ability to advantageously employ "feminine wiles;" hoping they will hold out at least long enough to accomplish her desire. Sadly, she can appear to a man to offer one thing, but in the end she always delivers another. Like the following Scripture demonstrates, her promises turn out to be nothing more than a grand "switch and bait" scheme - leaving broken hearts behind:

For many are the victims she has cast down,
And numerous are all her slain. (Proverbs 7:26)

Now, in previous posts we've talked about flattery quite a bit but didn't actually "see it" from the Bible. Therefore, in the passage from which the above verse was taken, in the fifteenth verse we read the words of the adulteress, "... I have come out to meet you, To seek your presence earnestly, and I have found you." Can't you almost picture this? I imagine her dressed provocatively, drawing near him with suggestive body language and a sweep of her eyes across his form. In a husky voice she whispers flattering words. Of course, if you were to read on, you'd see that she also takes pains to tell him how she's prepared for his coming; and then soothes away his worry by explaining that her husband is gone for some time. Indeed, with all her attention lavished upon him, she makes this man feel very wanted and special.

But the next thing we'll see in a moment is that she doesn't just say things. She also carries herself in a certain way; looks a certain way; and behaves a certain way. What this woman is in very essence is how our present culture indirectly defines femininity to impressionable girls and women. Truly, I hope I'll be able to demonstrate that this passage about the adulteress, as well as others we'll look at, give us a tragic picture of modern womanhood. 


And sisters, I ask you not to write this off and think that we, as Christians, are exempt from falling into this trap. Please bear with me here. We'll actually discover some very subtle things about the adulteress that I believe applies to the thought, behavior, and attitudes of contemporary women from all walks of life. It may be shocking, as it was to me, to discover in yourself (like the adulteress) a "false" form of femininity; very much in opposition to the Bible.

BIG Disclaimer...

Before we get started, however, I feel I need to make a disclaimer here. I do not wish to give the impression that I believe that every woman who prescribes to modern feminism, consciously or not, is an adulteress. No, let me say emphatically - of course not! However, I think that what is at the heart of false femininity, whether that be manifested through the life of an adulteress woman, a female athlete who perhaps never wears seductive clothing, or maybe even an ordinary woman with nothing remarkable at all about her, is the desire to "rule" over men.

For example, many women, while perhaps not outwardly competitive, may enjoy controlling men through means such as being in management in the workplace; or holding other positions of authority that puts them above their male counterparts. Sometimes a wife (maybe even a Christian wife!) will secretly enjoy exercising power over her husband through the method of manipulation. I say this last one because it hits close to home. As I look back I remember too well the sense of elation I'd experience by being manipulative and getting my way. I didn't see it back then; but hindsight (and a dose of Fatherly discipline!) have certainly made it clear to me.

Digging Deeper Into God's Word

Photo courtesy of freedigitalphotos.com

6 For at the window of my house
I looked out through my lattice,

7 And I saw among the naive,
And discerned among the youths
A young man lacking sense,
8 Passing through the street near her corner;
And he takes the way to her house,
9 In the twilight, in the evening,
In the middle of the night and in the
darkness.
10 And behold, a woman comes to meet him,
Dressed as a harlot and cunning of heart.
11 She is boisterous and rebellious,
Her feet do not remain at home;
12 She is now in the streets, now in the squares,
And lurks by every corner.
13 So she seizes him and kisses him
And with a brazen face she says to him:
14 "I was due to offer peace offerings;
Today I have paid my vows.
15 "Therefore I have come out to meet you,
To seek your presence earnestly, and I have found you.
16 "I have spread my couch with coverings,
With colored linens of Egypt.
17 "I have sprinkled my bed
With myrrh, aloes and cinnamon.
18 "Come, let us drink our fill of love until morning;
Let us delight ourselves with caresses.
19 "For my husband is not at home,
He has gone on a long journey;
20 "He has taken a bag of money with him,
At the full moon he will come home."
21 With her many persuasions she entices him;
With her flattering lips she seduces him.
22 Suddenly he follows her
As an ox goes to the slaughter,
Or as one in fetters to the discipline of a fool,
23 Until an arrow pierces through his liver;
As a bird hastens to the snare,
So he does not know that it will cost him his life.

24 Now therefore, my sons, listen to me,
And pay attention to the words of my mouth.

25 Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways,
Do not stray into her paths.
26 For many are the victims she has cast down,
And numerous are all her slain.
27 Her house is the way to Sheol,
Descending to the chambers of death. (Proverbs 7:6-27)

Now, this is where I get really excited! I love to dig deeper into God's Word; especially using the method of comparative study. So, are you ready to join me? Shall we look at some things about the adulteress (and false femininity) from the above passage and compare them to the life of the virtuous woman? And finally - can I challenge you to allow God to show you if any of the counterfeit ways of the world have made inroads into your life? Oh, dear sisters, how I wish I could write a book! My heart is heavy over these things and I truly believe that many Christian marriages are in trouble because we don't understand them.

Without further ado let's begin! What I'd like to do is consecutively examine each verse or section from our text above. I'll contrast the elements of "false femininity" against the opposite virtues found in various texts pertaining to godly womanhood; or in some cases, general Christian living. Finally, I'll wrap up each comparison with a "What You Can Do" section to help you put it into practice. I hope you'll find these things as enlightening as I have!

1. Verse 9 - "Sons" of Disobedience vs. Children of Light: This verse introduces the clandestine meeting between the foolish young man and the adulteress woman. It takes place in the middle of the night and under the cover of darkness. We must note that much is said in Scripture about darkness, particularly in the New Testament, and it is never good. (See Isaiah 5:20, Matthew 6:23, Colossians 1:13, and 1 John 2:11 for example.)

Oftentimes the term "darkness" is used in relation to evil deeds, such as we see in Ephesians 5:6-12: "Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them; For you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light (for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth), trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them; for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret."

If we look closely at the contrast in this passage between the "fruit of the Light" and the "deeds of darkness" we see that the main thing concerning the former is that it consists of goodness, righteousness, and truth; while the latter consists of things done in secret. Now, let me just say that it's easy for us to look at worldly women, perhaps particularly those that live promiscuously, and think that of course they live with secrets. Their lifestyle is filled with shameful things! And by comparison we feel pretty good about ourselves.

However, I must be totally honest with you. Even though I've been a Christian for almost twenty-two years, and married for the last nineteen, there were many years when I kept things "secret" from my husband. It was in the area of finances - the one area that I fought and struggled with Aaron about for most of our marriage. So let me be more specific with you. Although I regret it now, I used to hide things from him that I had bought.

Oh, I had many ways of doing this but my favorite was writing checks at Walmart for over the amount so I could spend the cash on things I wanted - things that he might not otherwise have approved of. Or inwardly I'd justify buying something "fun" - just because I had spent less on groceries that week than what we had budgeted. Of course when I got these things home I hoped he wouldn't notice. (And often I'd make it awfully hard for him to do that.) For example, if it were clothing I would just hide it for a couple months before wearing it. Then when I finally did and he'd ask if it were new, I could "honestly" say... "Oh this? I've had it for awhile."

Do you see? Hiding purchases from my husband was the same as the "evil deeds of darkness" referred to in this passage from Ephesians! Remember what the hallmark of such things was? That's right - secret! Dear sister, there is nothing feminine, beautiful, or virtuous about what I did. In being painfully honest with myself I had to acknowledge that my "little sin" was just as bad in the Lord's sight as one who sneaks around on their husband, or with someone else's husband. 


Ouch! It really hurts to admit that here. But I want to be transparent with you. It's so vitally important to our spiritual growth that we not diminish our sin; that instead we be open and honest with each other. Look again with me at the fruit of the light. One of its distinguishing characteristics is truth. During those years I was far from being truthful! And furthermore, in reality my deception means that I actually was betraying my husband. The two are one and the same.

Another thing to note about this is the root sin of my heart. In all my secret buying the prevailing thought was always, "I deserve this. I want it therefore I should have it." This is nothing more than pride, my friend! It's that ugly entitlement attitude so prevalent these days. And, again, isn't it really the same sin as the adulteress? She sees something (someone) she wants and feels "entitled" to it. Sin is so deceptive and we as Christians, if we're not absolutely diligent in guarding our hearts against it, can so easily become ensnared.

What You Can Do: Are you being totally honest with your husband? Are there things you're hiding from him? Remember, Proverbs 31:11 says, "The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain." Your husband's heart won't rest safely in you if you're sneaky or deceptive. A man needs a truly feminine woman to share his life with; this means an honest woman who inspires him to have trust and confidence in her.

In her excellent book, Fascinating Womanhood, Helen Andelin referred to being a woman of "worthy character." While honesty is just one of the virtues she lists, I'd like to share a couple of the things she mentions about having a worthy character. First she says, "A man wants a woman of fine character, one he can place on a pedestal and hold in high regard (my emphasis). He expects her to be not only good, but better than himself." Then, interestingly and perhaps most importantly, she speaks of the influence this sort of woman has on a man: "When a man perceives fine character in a woman, it has a profound effect on his feelings for her." Dear sister, here is a question for you to consider: Do you want your husband to adore you? If you answered "yes," then a good place to start is by being a woman of fine character in the area of honesty.

Mark Twain once cleverly stated: "If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything." Although his remark is humorous, it contains a lot of wisdom. It would have applied very well to my situation. Do you understand why honesty is a fundamental part of being truly feminine? It is because true and biblical femininity is defined by beauty. Not physical beauty as the world sees; but beauty of the heart - as God sees it. 


Now, speaking of the world, let me point out that through its counterfeit form of femininity it will tell you a different story. Subtly it suggests that being secretive will make a woman "mysterious," "alluring," or some other ridiculous thing. (If you need an example think for a moment about the name of a popular women's store at the mall which glorifies this. Hint: It's the one we all turn our children's eyes from because of their scandalous window displays. Have you guessed yet? That's right - Victoria's Secret!)

However, many of us, while being unconvinced of the "glamor" of secrets (probably even aware of the dangers), can still manage to slip into the subtle trap of inventing justifications for our "little sins." As sinful human beings we tend to like "exception clauses." We produce exceptions for ourselves or our particular situation saying that God's Word "doesn't apply here." In fact, I've heard many women joke that what their husband doesn't know won't hurt him. However, please remember and be warned: I was a believer for many years, and sincerely loved the Lord; yet despite this, my justifications didn't cover up the fact that I was very deceptive. And because it's all too easy to revert to former sin patterns, I have to guard myself against this to this very day! So my dear friend, I plead with you. Search your own heart to see if you're being 100% honest with your husband. If you discover you're not, ask God to forgive you and make a commitment to change - beginning today!

2. Verse 10 - Integrity Vs. Lack of Integrity & Modest Vs. Immodest: While I don't want to overlook the first phrase in verse 10, I'm going to put it on hold and look at it later with other verses. What I want to draw attention to right now is the more obvious: the adulteress woman in this passage was dressed as a harlot. Please note carefully what the Scripture says. It tells us that she was dressed "as a harlot;" not that she was a harlot. This is an important distinction to make.

Given the text we have to conclude that this woman was unsuspected among her acquaintances. She must have even had the appearance of someone quite respectable for she was a businessman's wife. Remember, in ancient Israel adultery would have been taken seriously. Very seriously. The punishment for it was death by stoning. (Leviticus 20:10) This woman, therefore, who appears to have lived in peace among her neighbors, must have been one way by day and another by night. And yet because she had to wait for her husband to be gone, we also can assume that she couldn't have played this dual role at all times.

This brings us to the first issue I want to look at: the issue of integrity. Remember Mark Twain's quote above? Albeit a clever saying, integrity is more than just being truthful - it's being true. It's being the same person no matter what. Obviously the adulterous woman was not that way. She only "looked good" outside, when people were watching. So here's another quote which may be helpful in clarifying what integrity is: "The measure of a man’s real character is what he would do if he would never be found out."

For a good illustration turn with me to the Bible and the familiar confrontation between Paul and Peter. Here we see that Peter was not acting with integrity, but rather with hypocrisy:

"But when Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. 12 For prior to the coming of certain men from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles; but when they came, he began to withdraw and hold himself aloof, fearing the party of the circumcision. 13 The rest of the Jews joined him in hypocrisy, with the result that even Barnabas was carried away by their hypocrisy. 14But when I saw that they were not straightforward about the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas in the presence of all, 'If you, being a Jew, live like the Gentiles and not like the Jews, how is it that you compel the Gentiles to live like Jews?' " (Galatians 2:11-14)

Here was Peter - enjoying fellowship with the gentile Antioch believers and sharing his meals with them. Suddenly, some Jewish visitors arrive from Jerusalem and his behavior totally changes. Things got so out of hand that even Barnabas - who had preached the gospel to these gentiles - was drawn into Peter's hypocrisy. But Paul called him out. Paul knew that as believers we can't be men-pleasers as Peter was in this instance. In fact, just prior to this we see that Paul declared himself to be no man-pleaser (Galatians 1:10). Therefore, he rebuked Peter; pressing him by saying that for a messenger of God to be untrue to himself was to be ultimately untrue to the gospel. It was actually a denial of the very truth of God.

Turning to Proverbs 31 now, I want you to see how the virtuous woman was the same person inside her home... as outside. First, let's look at just some of the verses which demonstrate how she was inside the home:

"She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens." (Verse 15)

"She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.
She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle." (Verses 18-19)

"She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet." (Verse 21)

"She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness." (Verses 26-27)

It is clear from these words that within her home she was diligent, generous, caring, wise, and kind. But wait - now let's look at what Solomon says about her behavior outside the home:

"She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard." (Verse 16)

"She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy." (Verse 20)

"Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates." (Verse 31)

Do you see the consistency? Diligent, generous, caring, wise, kind... In fact, she had a reputation as a woman of excellence. Even the elders of her city, who sat "in the gates," knew of her. This is because she was genuinely the same person, all the time!

What You Can Do: Are you the same person - all the time? Does your family and husband see a "different person" when you're at home, then what others see? This is one thing really worth praying about!

For years I failed to inspire any love or admiration from my husband because of my issues with anger. Of course, my problem was carefully hidden out of sight of others; but regularly displayed before the members of my family. The injustice of my hypocrisy left my husband feeling "numb" (his own word) much of the time. Friend, this is not the kind of marriage I want and I hope you don't either! I have higher aspirations and that's why integrity is key! Earlier I mentioned what Helen Andelin said about being a woman of fine character - that men want someone they can put on a pedestal. May I suggest something? Integrity is the base for that pedestal.

Now, of course, there's the second issue of Proverbs 7:10 - the issue of modesty and immodesty. Of this I won't say as much. Not that I don't want to! But dear sister - that is a post (and perhaps an entire book!) in and of itself. Let me just encourage you by saying this: styles may change but what entices a man does not. If you're going to show off your body you're going to cause men to stumble. Period. Men are stimulated by sight and will notice that plunging neckline or your bare thigh. While that's what many worldly women want to do; most of us Christian ladies would claim that we're not "trying" to cause men to lust. It's like saying, "It's not our fault if they can't keep their eyes to themselves!" Like it or not, however, we do have a responsibility to help prevent them from sinning. So even if you're struggling with this, saying that you're not "trying" to do that; you will, in fact, cause them to sin if you show yourself off.

Please consider just one verse (although many others could be quoted) which speaks to the heart of this matter: "It is good not to eat meat or to drink wine, or to do anything by which your brother stumbles." (Romans 14:21). Friend, this goes so contrary to our "me first" society in which we live! In this verse Paul implores us to think of others first by not doing anything that would cause another to stumble and sin. Remember, for a man to even look at a woman and lust is sin. (Matthew 5:28)

The false femininity of the world sends the message to women that to dress seductively is feminine. Biblical femininity, however, instructs us that to dress modestly is to be truly feminine. The one says that alluring men is fun and exciting; part of what it is to be a woman. The other says that the beauty of womanhood is in inspiring men to be men of respectability and honor. For an example of this, let's look once again to the virtuous woman. Concerning her husband it is written: "Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land." (Proverbs 31:23) Here we can see truth in the old saying, "Behind every good man... is a good woman."

Recently my teenage son spoke to me about a young lady he had recently met. He asked me, "Why does she think she has to dress that way? She was nice but I couldn't even stand to look at her." What he said really spoke volumes. Men do not truly respect or hold in high esteem women who flaunt themselves. Such women may be "eye candy" for some; but they can never be cherished or admired in the way they really long for because their heart is not chaste. 


To conclude my point let me quote from Matthew Henry: "The purity of the heart will show itself in the modesty of the dress, which becomes women professing godliness."

What Can You Do: I believe key here is guarding your heart. Do you genuinely want the best for others? And men in particular? If you do, then for their sake, dress in a way so that if Jesus showed up at your door today, you needn't be ashamed. Our heart's desire as women of God should be to please the Lord. He can't be pleased with us in this area if we're allowing ourselves to make men lust. Let's be sure then that our dress conveys what's in our hearts.

Taking it a step further, if you're married does your husband approve of the way you dress? Sometimes, because of the way our society teaches men to be "subservient" to their wives, husbands may not feel the freedom to tell their wives what they think. To do so would be to cross some sort of line they have no right to. So, please, ask yourself these questions: "Does my husband have my 'permission' to speak honestly with me about the way I dress? Am I humble enough to receive it?" Or is it possible he'd like to, but fears you'd just shut him down?

Finally, since I want to draw as much out of these verses as I can concerning being feminine, let me add something a little unexpected here. While of course the Bible absolutely discourages immodest dressing; it also discourages women dressing like men. It makes perfectly clear there should be distinctions in the way men and women dress. This, too, flies in the face of modern society which has so much "unisex" clothing. As women of faith, therefore, it may make it more of a challenge but we should still strive for dressing like a lady.

May I encourage you (if you're like me, who doesn't dress immodestly, but in a "casual" style) - to consider buying and wearing some pretty, frilly, and exclusively feminine clothes? And I don't mean the jumpers so many of us are used to wearing for church and whatnot. They may be modest, but they're not necessarily attractive. You see, your husband's eyes will light up to see his wife dressed beautifully and elegantly. This is exactly what happened to me recently when my husband surprised me with a new dress! You'd be surprised to know how "feminine" I felt just wearing it. Now, don't think for a moment this is about attracting other men's attention. What I mean is clothing that is feminine and modest. This type of dress is dignified and communicates to others that you're a woman of high standards; not the type to elicit vulgar cat calls.

If you need help with this one try picturing the regal Queen Esther in your mind. We read from Esther 2:15:

"Now when the turn of Esther, the daughter of Abihail the uncle of Mordecai who had taken her as his daughter, came to go in to the king, she did not request anything except what Hegai, the king's eunuch who was in charge of the women, advised. And Esther found favor in the eyes of all who saw her."

The Bible tells us here that Esther found favor in the eyes of the king and all his court. Just what did they see? For the answer let's turn to Gill's Exposition of the Bible for this wonderful commentary: "Esther obtained favour of all them that looked upon her: when she came to court, the eyes of all were attracted to her; all admired her beauty, her innocent and modest look, and her graceful mien and deportment." Now isn't that inspiring?! She must have been dressed very beautifully, yet with all the discretion of a godly woman.

Dear sister, if your wardrobe needs some revamping why not consider garage sales or second-hand stores? This is one way of incorporating some frilly and feminine things that will not "break the bank." You might try to find things that can be worn in different ways, or are of neutral colors, so that you can mix and match, getting the most for your money. I have a friend that shops this way almost exclusively because her husband makes a modest income. Yet, she is one the most tastefully dressed and classy-looking ladies I know.

Finally, remember this encouraging verse which I've shared with you before:

"Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future." (Proverbs 31:25)

While of course the external things are important; let us not neglect the true person of the heart. In Proverbs 31:25 we see that the virtuous woman was clothed in strength (of character) and dignity. These are matters of the inner person. Your clothing will reflect either the new nature in Christ; or it will reflect the old, corrupt nature. Additionally, your clothing will either detract from your feminine nature: or it will signify to others that the Lord made you a woman - delightful, beautiful, and feminine...

Thanks for joining me today. Hope you'll check back soon for the next part in this series on Biblical femininity vs. false femininity. I welcome comments or emails and look forward to hearing from you. May the Lord bless you and keep you this week.