Should We Be a Doormat When Our Spouse Cheats?

For all my dear readers I'd like to clarify my position on this question and state in one place what I believe is the Biblical response to an unfaithful spouse. Recently, I was contacted by a reader who mentioned the aspect of being "quiet" in regards to our husbands - an admonition clearly supported by Scripture (1 Peter 3:1) and which I've written about here. Now, to be clear - this lady did not say she came away with the impression from this blog that I mean for women experiencing their husband's unfaithfulness to become "doormats." However, it got me thinking - Could I seem to be giving that impression?


So please allow me to try to state my position the best I can. To attempt this I will retell a little of our story. Then I want to conclude with what I believe Scripture (most importantly), as well as my own experience, have taught me about a godly response to adultery. Let me begin by saying that as far as I can tell, adultery is a sin as any other. No where in the Bible can I find it singled out as being "worse" than any other. Yes, it's infinitely more hurtful than, say, your husband raising his voice in anger at you. But it is no worse a sin in God's economy then another because of one simple fact: All sin requires atonement. It requires that a price be paid for it. 


The good news (what we call the gospel) states that Jesus Christ, God incarnate, became a man in order to do that. He willingly laid down His sinless, perfect life through death on a cross. In this He satisfied the wrath of God; poured out upon Him because the Father's pure holiness demanded it be so. Look with me at Matthew 27:46, where Jesus is hanging on the cross:

"And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"

Commentator John Gill says of this verse that Jesus "was now without a sense of the gracious presence of God, and was filled, as the surety of his people, with a sense of divine wrath, which their iniquities he now bore, deserved, and which was necessary for him to endure, in order to make full satisfaction for them; for one part of the punishment of sin is loss of the divine presence."

So with this in mind, we must have a view toward our husband's sin of adultery as one that is covered by the blood of Jesus. Truly you and I are no better and are every bit as deserving of God's wrath as they are. "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God..." (Romans 3:23) But thanks be to God that He did make a way for us to have our sins forgiven and to become righteous: "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." (2 Corinthians 5:21) And, friend, it is because of this great truth that the apostle Paul can admonish us in Ephesians 4:32:

"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."

So for me, during that summer of my husband's emotional affair I waited through long weeks of despair hoping and praying for my husband's repentance. I anxiously awaited his sorrowful apology so that I could forgive him. I remember my pastor assuring me over and over again, "We'll know true repentance when we see it." 


Simultaneously, as many of you know, I felt the Lord showing me to love him unconditionally - even while he was exceedingly difficult to "love" in his state of hostility and anger. However, before I go any further, with my seeming willingness to "toot my own horn," I must stop right here.

First, because it's necessary for me to give you a realistic picture of what kind of wife I really had been up until that point. Because you see, for most of the seventeen years of marriage I had shown neither unconditional love nor respect toward my husband. This is completely unlike God - who showers even unrepentant, wicked sinners with His gifts. Sometimes we refer to this as "common grace," which is based upon Matthew 5:45, "That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."

And may I suggest that Scripture teaches us that it is this very thing - His unfathomable kindness towards hostile sinners - which leads them to repentance. This is because it tells us in Acts 2:4, "Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?" You see? It's the kindness, the love which He demonstrated toward us "while we were yet sinners" (Romans 5:8) that assured us we would be safe and accepted by Him if we would repent. We could rest and take comfort in the knowledge that we had a place to "come home to," so-to-speak.

So getting back to my situation, it was a relatively short amount of time between when I found out about Aaron's affair, and when he cut if off (or at least I believed he had). I still had every hope that our marriage could be saved. As I look back, I truly believe that at this time it was crucial that I show my husband unconditional love because he needed to trust that I would offer forgiveness should he confess his sin and ask for it. He couldn't have done this based on our past; for I had not shown him much (true) kindness and acceptance. This leads me to share, dear sister, a significant and humbling truth - God showed me to love Aaron because He wanted me to be a reflection of His great love and mercy towards us. My husband was messed up spiritually and God was going to use a "cracked pot" like me to show him (albeit imperfectly) what God was like.


It reminds me of the book of Hosea. (Not that I'm on the same level as him - I'm not!) However, the prophet also had the task of showing what God was like to the unfaithful nation of Israel - through his own marriage to an unfaithful wife. Time and again Hosea showed her his love and took her back. If you haven't read it in a while, I highly encourage you to read it sometime soon. Meditate on how it can be applied to the heartache of adultery in your own life.


Secondly though, loving my husband while enduring hostility was made a little "easier" for me because I was deceived about it being over between he and the other woman. In some respects I believe that God allowed this extended time of deception. Had I known otherwise - I doubt I would have stuck with it. I believe I would have quit and gave up. Figuratively speaking, had I been allowed to see the real giants I was facing, I would not have had that time to love another human without condition, and without return! The opportunity for growth in goodwill (see Proverbs 31:12) and maturity this brought into my life, as a result, would have also been lost. In the end, if I had not been allowed time to develop unconditional love for Aaron, he probably would not have believed that I would be willing to truly take him back and forgive him. 


And, indeed, even though I had been living this out for a couple months - not perfectly but trusting the Lord to help me in my weaknesses - I was still about ready to throw in the towel when I found out in August that Aaron was still sneaking around. That day of discovery, the one when I met my friend Rachel for coffee (which I wrote about in The Way God Answered Prayer for My Husband's Repentance), I explained to all of you how I figured I would have to call the divorce lawyer on Monday. 


What I didn't mention in that post, however, was that I had actually given Aaron an ultimatum earlier in the day. I told him that he either end it with the other woman or I would divorce him. But since he didn't seem too bothered by my ultimatum and still planned on meeting with his adultress, I concluded that divorce was the only answer. 


Meeting with Rachel that day was really for my own comfort because I was feeling so totally hopeless and drained. I thank God, though, that in reality it was Him who ordained that timely meeting, and that prayer was a natural thing for us to do. Again, if you'll remember, it was in answer to those desperate prayers uttered at the "eleventh hour," that God brought my husband to repentance. That day represented a crisis brought to a head through weeks and weeks of standing in the gap for our marriage through prayer. Praise GOD!!


Now, I've talked about unconditional love. It is an attribute of our Heavenly Father which He lavishes on us to draw us to Himself; and one which we wives can also use to win our husbands back to ourselves. But I also need to talk about this other "thing." And that's the idea of what some call "tough love." 


Perhaps the most well-known advocate for its practice is Dr. James Dobson who wrote the book, Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis. Now, I know I've shared somewhere on here that I don't agree with Focus on the Family and Dr. Dobson on everything, but following this book's advice was probably the #3 thing (prayer and unconditional love being the first two) that I did to save our marriage. 

Is Tough Love Biblical?

But some might say, "Is tough love Biblical?" Yes, but before I explain why I'll give a brief explanation of what it is. First, as its premise, as I understand and would apply it, is the idea of dignity. For love to flourish in any relationship it must be free of abuse and each person's dignity upheld and respected. Dignity is based on the fact that we are all created in God's image. (Genesis 1:26) To hurt or harm another human being is a frontal assault against their dignity. Because of this, it is oftentimes in the best interest of the person being victimized (or betrayed in the case of adultery) to separate from the other person for a time. It is made clear by the one betrayed that they still love the adulterer, and would welcome them back when and if they repent, but that they cannot tolerate such behavior any longer. There is NO begging, crying, promising to "do better," or any other such thing on the part of the person betrayed. To do so would be to...1) Hurt and deny their own dignity (and basically say, "It's okay; you can step all over me and I'll still be here;" and 2) Hurt the relationship with the balance of "power" being tilted in favor of the one sinning. Consider the picture of equality (verse 21, below) - yet with different roles - the Bible paints for us in regards to the marriage relationship:

21...And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. 22Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church." (Ephesians 5:21-29)

Aside from the issue of God-given dignity, another reason to support the idea of tough love is found in this verse: "Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted." (Galatians 6:1) Now, at first glance you may be wondering how this verse demonstrates tough love. In fact, you might be thinking, it says to restore in a spirit of gentleness! 

A look at the Greek word, katartizo, that is here translated as "restore" may be helpful. It's meaning is: "repair or adjust -- fit, frame, mend, (make) perfect(-ly join together)." What I believe we can glean from this is that the way in which we must approach the person in error is to be gentle - meaning specifically our demeanor and attitude; and that it must also be coupled with the right motivation. But, the actual "act" must sometimes seem hurtful. Think about it... Repairing, adjusting, and perfectly joining two things together takes some bending, twisting, and shaping - all things which are good, but require us to be forceful when necessary.

And that's precisely what we do when we confront another's sin. We "force" a crisis. In the eighteenth chapter of Matthew, verses 15-17, we are familiar with the steps of dealing with a sinning brother. We see that they are progressive. In verse seventeen Jesus tells us that in the case of the brother who won't address his sin even when finally confronted by the entire church, we are basically to disassociate with that person and treat them as we would anyone else outside the church. 

Paul later confirmed this when he said, "If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter, take special note of that person and do not associate with him, so that he will be put to shame." (2 Thessalonians 3:14) And even more strongly when he seemingly dealt harshly with one particular unrepentant man: "I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus." (1 Corinthians 5:5) Look closely and we see that Paul was actually creating a "crisis" for that person by discontinuing fellowship with him - while having that person's ultimate good in mind. 

Getting back to my situation for a minute. Where I believe I was in error was in jumping immediately to the idea of divorce, rather than an ultimatum that included separation. In this I feel like my commitment to the marriage wavered. Now, to God's praise and mercy, I cannot say why but He still chose to use my feeble and imperfect attempt at forcing a crisis; and I'm certainly glad he did! In fact, my husband has said that it was the combination of my loving acceptance of him, yet unwillingness to be stepped all over, that drew him and made him come back to his senses.

However, as much as I'm thankful it worked that way for us, I would not suggest to anyone reading this that you quickly go from showing a willingness to forgive, to stomping your foot down in a ultimatum of divorce. Please remember that patience and long-suffering are virtues that the Lord develops in us through such trials. (James 1:2-3) These require us to work through the process with care. After all, marriage is meant to be a lifetime covenant and therefore must always be handled with an eye toward restoration - the very thing we've been reading about in the verses on correction above! 

But the question remains. How do we do that? How do we proceed during a spouse's unfaithfulness? All I can say is that it requires us to pray like we've never prayed; to have faith in God's goodness; and - probably most important - to have hope. For hope is always centered on the ministry and work of the Lord Jesus Christ. He is what gives us hope during dark days. To that end we can take comfort in knowing that there is more to this life than what is seen, and that God's purposes in everything are bringing about a "far greater weight of glory." (2 Corinthians 4:17) 

And so this is what we're to be about in the midst of such an awful trial as this... About bringing the focus back to God's amazing grace and sharing that with a person desperately deceived and "taken captive by (Satan) to do his will." (2 Timothy 2:26)

So, yes, I truly do believe that tough love is Biblical and has its place. But I also believe that, before that happens, there needs to be unconditional love and a willingness to forgive shown. Is it a sacrifice on the part of the one who is being sinned against? The wife who is living with her husband's hostility and unfaithfulness? Yes, a thousand times yes! But again - it all goes back to Jesus - the One whom (if we are Christians) we claim to follow! And I believe He does ask us this... Will you follow Me? 

"For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:3)

Dear sister, if you are one who is going through your husband's adultery today, I suggest you first throw yourself at the feet of your merciful God and savior. He promised to be near to those who are brokenhearted. "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted, And saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18) 

Then, consider balance in your approach toward your husband. Remember, God Himself is neither all love, nor all justice. At first He patiently endures our wandering and sin. Though it grieves him terribly, we've seen above how He will attempt to draw us to Himself by showing kindness and love. However, if that doesn't get our attention, He oftentimes uses chastisement. Usually He does this by bringing about some sort of crisis in our life. 

Additionally, never go about this alone! Seek godly and Biblical counsel; while at the same time continuing to read the Bible first to gain wisdom, and then adding in books such as "Love Must Be Tough." When you do read any book make sure you weigh it against Scripture as the Bereans of Paul's day did. Finally, this is very important - when considering taking any action, such as presenting an ultimatum (which the book by Dr. Dobson clearly shows how to do), always pray and seek God's will and timing in such matters.

I hope through this post I've made it clear where I stand concerning the question the title of this post asks. I hope I've convinced you that, no - we're not to be "doormats" in any sense of the word. We have dignity, given to us by our Creator. We also have a duty to love and look to others' good - and allowing someone to continue in sin is not loving! In fact, to do so would be disobedience to Scripture. Therefore, each one of us can show our dignity as a woman by being both loving and confrontational. Being confrontational does not mean acting as our husband's conscience; but rather - as our text above said - we are to seek to restore him in a spirit of gentleness.

If you have any comments I welcome them. I do regularly pray for my readers and I am so thankful for each and every one of you. Go in God's peace and protection this week!