Identifying & Overcoming Obstacles to Healing - Part 3: Deception & Adultery

Hi friend, glad you could come by for this Part 3 in the "Obstacles to Healing" series. I want to start by telling you that writing this post is hard because I have to be very transparent. My hope, however, is that in my being transparent I may be able to talk to you as a friend, as someone who's experienced the heartbreak of adultery, and who can share from the heart. 

Before I go on, however, I need to clarify for those who have just joined us beginning with this series, that in the last post on discouragement I talked about forgiving yourself, while I omitted discussion on forgiving your spouse or the other person. The reason for this is that I wrote a whole series of posts specifically dealing with forgiveness, beginning with the post entitled, "Dealing With Unforgiveness First" published on 9-5-10. The series continues for a total of nine consecutive posts with the last one added on 11-22-10. If you are struggling in this area please refer to those articles. Hopefully they will help you in dealing with this issue which, if left unresolved, will certainly be an obstacle to healing your marriage. With that said then, let's move on.

Danger Zone: Deception

Can I talk to you honestly and candidly today about the third "D" word? The word is "deception." Perhaps more than any other device of Satan, deception is a great threat to our marriage restoration. While the first two, disillusionment and discouragement, can lead us to despair and resignation; deception can lead us to have a false and insidious sense of hope, empowerment, entitlement, and restored self-respect.

Dear Sister - please keep reading this and listen! When the enemy whispers the things I'm going to share with you in your ear - Flee! Run! Submit to God and resist the devil! (James 4:7) If you remember nothing else, remember that our enemy is called "The father of lies" by Jesus in John 8:44. This means that he cannot tell the truth. So when he comes with his lies telling you that if you'll just do this, or just do that, you'll be much happier - don't believe him!! I've never felt so strongly before about what I'm going to share in this and the next post. Let me humbly say that I believe it is straight from the Lord to someone who really needs to hear it.

Now, I'm sure I could discuss many ways Satan tries to deceive us after being betrayed by our spouse; however, there are just two that I'm going to focus on in these next couple posts. And because they're both vitally important I will only be looking at one at a time. As I do, I will get into various aspects of them, talk about their deceptiveness, and then discuss what God's truth is instead. This way I may cover them thoroughly as I believe the Lord would have me do. 

Adultery Becomes Enticing

So let's begin with the first tactic of Satan. This is when the enemy introduces another man - an available man - into our thoughts and lives in either a subtle or overt way. What I mean will become clear in a minute as I tell you how the former happened to me, and what the "spiritual atmosphere" was like that led to it.

Oh friend! How I just want to cry in shame when I think back and remember certain things. How after the dust had settled on my discovery of Aaron's affair, I began to be ambivalent in regards to my course of action and who I wanted to listen to. On the one hand, I just wanted God. I wanted Him more than anything! My spirit and soul cried out, "Oh God! You are my refuge, My portion in the land of the living!" (Psalm 142:5) I was convinced that He was truly all I wanted or needed. To a large degree that was probably true.

But my flesh... well, my flesh was my flesh and it wanted something else! Had you asked me at that time if I had a problem with carnal thinking I probably would have denied it. I doubt I would have seen it because I truly was seeking God. With all my heart! However, what I was blind to was that in reality, I had become double-minded. While I was praying, seeking the Lord, and immersing myself in the Bible, a plan of a different sort was hatching in my mind.

A back-up plan I suppose you could call it. It went like this: If this doesn't work out, I know several good, single Christian men; any of whom might be a future possibility. It gave me a sense of hope. Over the course of the next couple weeks I thought carefully about each one of them and finally narrowed it down to two. Oh how hard this is for me to admit! How humbling to tell you that I was unfaithful in my mind.

Now, I would not say that I "fantasized" about them. At least not in the sense we usually associate with fantasizing. But I did do a lot of thinking about them - their personalities, jobs, walks with the Lord. I tried to determine whether or not they would be good stepfathers to my children. I compared them against each other. Worst of all, I compared them to my husband! I bet you can guess who came out on the bottom of the chart at that particular time?!

So, you see, Satan's deception can be oh-so-subtle. It can be justified. I believe at one point I felt a bit of conviction over what I was doing, but I also remember rationalizing it by thinking that it was good to be planning for the future - "just in case..." I'm so thankful to God, however, that this foolish thinking didn't last long. He eventually brought me back to my senses and to repentance. I hope you will understand what I'm striving to show you and not be even remotely tempted to entertain such evil. But be on the alert, for our enemy is a sneaky deceiver. This has been the way of Satan toward the saints throughout history. Dear sister, remember - When he cannot walk through the front door for reason that we would recognize him, he sneaks in through the back!

So then, consider me to be pleading with you to change your course if you're at all contemplating or dwelling on other men. Don't believe for one minute that because you are surrounded by a hundred available men, or even just one who smoothly comes across your path, somehow this must be from the Lord. God did not, and indeed would not, bring some man into your life so that in case your marriage doesn't work out, you'll have a new love interest. Consider with me James 1:13b, "God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone." No, as a married woman, if a new man comes into your life, or an old acquaintance suddenly becomes intriguing to you, this is not of God but of the devil! Those thoughts you're entertaining originated with the enemy and are being carried out by your old nature: "But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust." (James 1:14)

Look at what the apostle Paul wrote to the church in Corinth, which constantly struggled with sin in its midst: "But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your minds will be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ." Paul did not write these words to warn unbelievers, but rather believers! This means that you and I can be deceived by Satan.

Secondly, I know I've quoted this verse before, but think of what the Scriptures exhort us to do in Proverbs 4:23: "Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life." If I were to use the Inductive Bible study method for this verse I would probably note several key words, including the words "all" and "diligence." From this I would conclude that the writer of Proverbs (Solomon) meant that the phrase "to the greatest extent or quantity possible" ought to describe my degree of diligence. The next thing I would conclude is that by using the word "diligence" he wished to convey the idea of "conscientiousness in paying proper attention to a task." And what would that task be to which he was referring? That's right, watching or guarding my heart. To apply this verse to my life then, I would want to use the greatest extent of conscientiousness to check the meditations and thoughts of my heart. Then I would need to be alert to whether they line up with God's Word or not.

Had I done this honestly and applied the Biblical truth of Proverbs 4:23 I don't think these thoughts would have gotten very far. I would have realized that Jesus said, "For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders. (Matthew 15:19, emphasis mine) Another interesting thing when I look back is how I kept these thoughts to myself. I didn't share them with my prayer partners. This desire to keep them "secret" should have been a big clue about the wrong direction my thought life was going.

Now, in switching gears, I will not say as much regarding a more blatant way Satan tries to trip us up; however, I do need to mention it. I know of at least one couple whose marriage ended because the betrayed spouse figured they would give the other person a taste of their own medicine. I can't tell you strongly enough - this is a really bad idea! It is straight from the pit of hell and is a lie. You will only be heaping shame and guilt on yourself and adding to your marital problems. There is truth in the old saying, "Two wrongs don't make a right." In addition, please remember that the adulterer suffers as much as the betrayed. The consequences they endure may not be apparent in the beginning, but will become more so as time goes on - especially during the reconciliation process. Don't add the pain of this to yourself as well.

Now, from what I can see, the three main reasons betrayed spouses may be tempted to commit adultery themselves are:
1) To get revenge
2) To attempt to make their spouse jealous (possibly with the hope that this will make him/her "come back" to them)
3) To prop up their own battered self-respect and feel empowered

A husband or wife who has been betrayed may do this for any of these reasons, or a combination of them. With all my heart, let me say that God's Word is contrary to every single one. To begin with, how does the Scripture say we should overcome evil? If you're a Christian you know: "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21) So that means we are to put off thoughts of revenge, and put on the love and kindness of our Lord Jesus Christ - who loved us while we were yet sinners. (Romans 5:8) You'll have the greatest chance of winning your erring spouse when you pour out goodness into their life, rather than bitterness and revenge. You may overcome their evil with your good!

And need I say anything about whether God will approve of us sinning to teach someone a lesson, or for any other reason? Planning to be unfaithful to our spouse falls into the category of what the Bible calls "presumptuous sin." It is premeditated. Look with me at what David prayed regarding this: "Keep back Your servant from presumptuous sins; Let them not rule over me." (Psalm 19:13) Friend, when you allow yourself to go down this road you are no longer free in Christ. You are in bondage to sin and have placed yourself under its rule and authority.

As for your self-respect I would encourage you to look to our Lord, who made you in His image. If you know Jesus as your Lord and Savior you are a blood-bought child of the King! You are the righteousness of God in Christ. (2 Corinthians 5:21) I really could go on and on, and I would love to, but time prevents me. Therefore, I encourage you to do it by really getting into the Scriptures to discover your identity in Christ. And even then you'll only begin to grasp just a tiny bit! "Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." (1 Corinthians 2:9) God does not want you to look to other people to make you feel good about yourself; rather He wants you to be content in your relationship with Him. When you do that, everything else will fall into place.

In closing, I can't tell you how much I've been praying for readers of this blog. You've been on my heart. It's also been a rough ride here lately. Not between my husband and I, but with another family member. Honestly I started this post on the 9th, and here it is the 14th. I've thought that perhaps Satan was trying to prevent me from finishing it since all kinds of stuff keeps happening. But praise God that He's with me and with you. As Christians we'll never be closer to Him than we are right now - because He lives inside us! Let me leave you then with a favorite verse of mine that is fitting for such times:

"Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD shall be a light unto me." Micah 7:8

P.S. - It's very late and I'm going to post now but edit tomorrow. Sorry for any mistakes or weird grammar!

Identifying & Overcoming Obstacles to Healing - Part 2: Discouragement

I'm going to make a quick disclaimer here before I get any email or comments regarding whose "fault" it is when adultery happens. When I spoke about a wife's sin leading to the breakdown of her marriage in the last post, or again refer to it in this post, I am talking about women married to men who generally have had goodwill toward their wife. I do not speak of men of such low-character who are abusive, habitual and life-long adulterers.

Last time, as I began this series on obstacles to healing after adultery, I discussed disillusionment. If you'll recall, I said that disillusionment begins with a longing to return to what we believe was a "better time" in our marriage; ie, before the affair. Most often, however, this notion of how things were is only an illusion, a false perception, of the past. If we're truthful with ourselves, and more importantly with God, we discover that there was much wrong in our marriage and our hearts before infidelity entered the picture. It's at this point, the point where we realize that we contributed - perhaps greatly - to the breakdown of our marriage, that we must be sober and alert. The reason for this is that Satan, our enemy, would love to use this revelation to propel us into the next "D" (which I'll be talking about in a moment) and hinder us from moving forward.

Look with me if you will at 2 Corinthians 2:11, "...Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices." Now, in context Paul is discussing the issue of forgiveness and restoration in this passage from 2 Corinthians. However, the principle which we can, and indeed must, draw from the first part of this verse is this: Satan will use any situation he can (for he's the epitome of the word "opportunist") to defraud and take advantage of us. If he can rip us off of a lifetime-covenant, God-honoring marriage to the man we pledged ourself to, he will use any means to accomplish it. You see, above I said that he would use your disillusionment with the past to keep you from moving forward; but, in reality, he won't stop there. His real desire is to get us to give up on our marriage entirely. That is his ultimate goal. For this reason, we must be discerning, and, as the second part of 2:11 says, "...Not ignorant of his devices."

We've already covered one of those devices and I will get to the next one the Lord has laid on my heart in a just a second. First, though, I want to encourage you by sharing part of a beautiful email I received from a reader this week. I hope that you'll rejoice as I did, because it so perfectly illustrates the fact that as we face the past truthfully, with the light of God's Holy Spirit, it actually becomes the means to healing. As a little background, this dear lady was married many years and had grown children when her husband's emotional affair came to light. It's been almost a year since that time. Here's a quote from her email:

"Infidelity is something that NEVER even crossed my mind. Seriously! If you lined up every man I know, my husband would of been the last person I would of ever picked to do this. It is really hard to believe it has been almost a year. In some ways it seems like a lifetime and in some ways it seems like yesterday. As CRAZY as this seems, I WOULD NEVER GO BACK! Now I know God doesn't tempt us or cause us to sin but I also know he uses ALL things for my good and HIS glory!  I can't think of another way for HIM to get my undivided attention like this has. I will NEVER be the same."

Friend, I hope her words encourage you! God is so great! I'm reminded of a wonderful verse: "Who can utter the mighty acts of the LORD? Who can shew forth all his praise?" (Psalm 106:2) He truly does do mighty things in hearts and marriages - if we will just let Him!

So, without further delay let's go ahead and continue with our discussion of the four Ds as obstacles of healing. We will focus today on the second one. Since I believe this will end up a four part series, I hope you'll stay tuned.

Another "D" Word

2. Discouragement: Obviously I don't need to tell you what this one is. But I do have several things I'd like to point out in relation to it and your marriage restoration. While the first "D," disillusionment, is often one of the earliest obstacles we face in this process, discouragement is what may follow. Again, as I alluded to in the opening paragraph, this is partly due to a sense of being overwhelmed when we finally acknowledge our sin and responsibility in undermining our marriage. The other part, however, is that we may begin to feel as if our spouse is not doing their work in healing the relationship, or progressing the way they should. In this post, while we'll tackle aspects of both parts, we may for now conclude this: Disillusionment deals with issues of the past, while discouragement deals with issues of the present.

Let's explore discouragement, as it relates to marriage restoration, a little then. What does it "look like?" One helpful way to discover the answer is to examine our heart when considering this question. What I mean is to note the kinds of thoughts that go through our head when we're struggling with discouragement through the events of an ordinary day. This, I believe, will give us pretty good insight into what tendency we have in not only allowing them to enter our minds, but also in entertaining them.

To demonstrate, I'll give you a fictional scene from my everyday life. Then, I'll pick apart what my thoughts were to see if the same kind of thoughts and feelings have occurred when dealing with the state of my marriage. I believe this will give us a picture of what kinds of thoughts comprise discouragement, and what to watch out for. (Please note! The story below is completely made up - and perhaps a bit comical. I praise God that I don't have too many days where my thoughts run away like that anymore. However, it's worth telling you that before I came to recognize the following schemes of the devil, and the bent of my own carnal nature, I had many such days.)

Here's the scenario: To begin, on this particular day, I overslept and felt upset with myself for doing it. Because I was running late I had to skip devotions which I just hate to do because I never feel right when I miss them! Then, when I came into the kitchen I stepped on something wet - and slimy. Yuck! One of the cats threw up all over my new kitchen rug! (Did I mention that it was new?!) Just then something occurred to me. I thought to myself, "Wasn't Aaron just here a minute ago?! He must have seen it! Why didn't he clean it up?!" Now I was hurt and mad, with cat throw-up all over the bottom of my slipper. "He doesn't care about me! He never cares about anyone but himself! You know, come to think of it - why didn't he wake me up? He knew I wanted to get up by six o'clock." Storming to the bathroom where he was, I demanded an answer to these questions. I ended up having a fight with him.

Ten hours later - after two kids, who never cooperate, gave me a hard time during home school and the dishwasher broke (it seems like that thing is always breaking and, of course, the repairman can't come until next week!), I was tired and just wanted to sit down. But, my luck, I had a mountain of laundry to fold and supper to start. Because I was just so exhausted I thought I'd make something simple, maybe some pancakes. When I went to the pantry I about blew a gasket! "Who used up all the flour?! How can I make pancakes without any flour?!" In frustration I looked around and thought to myself, "Calgon take me away!" (If you grew up in the seventies there's a good chance you remember that commercial.) Finally, I shuffled into the living room, plopped myself on the couch, and cried out to no one in particular, "I give up! I can't do this anymore!"

Now, that was kind of silly. Not too far out there, though, that we can't analyze a few things about the way discouragement takes shape. The first thing we see is an inability to forgive oneself. Although in my example it was a minor thing to say that I was upset with myself for oversleeping, imagine with me what effect that type of thinking might have on my marriage, or yours, if either one of us were unable to let go of our past sins and mistakes. Especially those that relate to our failures to be a godly wife. Easily, this sort of bondage could make a wife want to quit trying and think to herself, "There's so much water under the bridge - what's the use?" 

My solution to this, however, is to be a follower of Jesus Christ! Now, what do I mean by this, you might ask? Remember, in John chapter 8, the woman who had been caught in adultery? What was it that Jesus said to her? He said, "I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more." (Verse 11) Therefore, if we've been forgiven by God we must be like Jesus and follow His example. We should not "condemn" ourselves any longer and neither should we continue to beat ourselves up. And, like this woman, because we've been forgiven by God, we have only to do one thing - go and "sin no more." It's as simple as that. Jesus didn't tell her to do penance; neither did He tell her she might as well just give up. No! In compassion He told her to stop doing the sinful and offensive behavior.

Friend, it's the same with us. Are you feeling miserable, perhaps, over some sin that you now realize you'd been committing against your husband that may have led him to look to another woman? I know, I know - I've been there! I felt horrible about it too. I felt as if I must have been about the worst wife around. But I chose not to stay in that place! You don't have to either. Get up now - the Lord will give you strength and He'll help you in your desire to become what you should be as a wife. It's not too late - don't you believe that for a moment! Believe instead the Scripture, "...Our God will count you worthy of your calling, and fulfill every desire for goodness and the work of faith with power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus will be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12) He'll do great things in you yet, because in changing you into a godly wife, He'll be glorified!

The second thing about discouragement is the tendency toward irrational thoughts. These are a killer! There are two examples of them in my fictional scene: 1) Extremes and absolutes as seen in, "He never;" "Two kids who never (cooperate);" and "The dishwasher that is always (breaking)."

Dear sister, be very careful of this type of thinking. Better yet, eliminate it altogether. No one is always this, or never that. To think or say that they are is both counter-productive to resolution, as well as judgemental. Hypocritically judgmental; such as the type of judgement Jesus opposed in Luke 6:42, "Or how can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother's eye." And in principle we must remember, "For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you." (Matthew 7:2) You see, just as you or I would be offended if someone judged us as always or never doing something, we too need to refrain from such judgements.

Honestly, these sort of things, which are usually said during heated encounters, remind me of yet another Bible verse: "There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword." (Proverbs 12:18) So then, recognize these thoughts - which often lead to words "like the thrusts of a sword" - when they accompany discouragement. Instead take them captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5) because they are judgemental and in opposition to the truth.

2) The second type of irrational thoughts is unreasonable expectations and/or accusations. While in the story above these were both destructive; how much more so in the context of healing a marriage after adultery. In the case of expectations, we tend to focus on our perception of how things ought to be, and in essence replace godly wisdom with worldly wisdom. But consider these verses: "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9) Also, James 3:15,17 which says, "This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic...But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy."

Let me encourage you to consider that God may be doing something in your spouse that you can't see; therefore, your expectations may be way out of line with the Lord's purposes and timing. Let's go back and look at just two of the qualities of godly wisdom ("the wisdom from above"). It says it "peaceable" and "reasonable." These are completely opposite to our expectations which usually promote strife and/or resentment, and are, many times quite unreasonable. 

Now, I doubt if I have to tell you how discouraging it would be to have such high standards for your spouse so that he never measures up. Ironically, though, that's what we often do. How much better it would be to pray and ask, "Lord, please examine my heart. Does this describe me? Do I have unrealistic expectations of my husband?" 

Certainly, though, someone may wonder if in the case of our husband helping to heal the wounds he inflicted by his adultery, aren't we justified in having high expectations? Well, yes and no. I would say that your spouse, if he's serious about getting right with God, should be demonstrating it by his commitment to working on the marriage. But again, there is some danger on our part  - for who are we to judge the degree, length of time, etc. to which he must do it? This one's hard - very hard; and we scream inside to have our way with it! In my case, I wanted my husband's repentance to look like "this," but you know what? It didn't. It never did. Therefore, I had a decision to make: Was I going to accept that and move on in my marriage? Or was I going to demand things be done my way and risk losing my husband altogether?

I finally decided that our marriage was being restored by JESUS, not by me, so I could let go of those expectations. I reasoned that Aaron belonged to God and chose to heed Paul's admonition to the Romans, "Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls; and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand. (Romans 14:4, emphasis mine)

Quickly, before I go on to the number three way of discouragement, let me say a word about the other type of irrational thinking - unfair accusations, which are tied to distrust. In recovering from an affair these are going to be natural. Let's face it, you will not gain back trust for a cheating husband overnight. But knowing this can be helpful. You can cut yourself a break by realizing you're not alone; this "dilemma," if you will, has been experienced by almost every betrayed spouse. Please know that it does take time - but that it also eventually gets better. There are steps you can take to help regain trust. For more insight into how to do this, please read my previous post on this subject entitled, Regaining Trust After the Affair.

Lastly, in connection to discouragement I need to talk about feelings. In my little scenario above, you might have noticed quite a few words pertaining to how I felt. For one, I was feeling very sorry for myself. Two, my feelings dictated my behavior. (Now I've stepped on some toes, haven't I?) Allowing myself to do these two things could certainly have been the cause for my ruined fictional day. Things sort of snowballed on account of my feelings. If that be the case then, I believe it's so important to keep our feelings in check while we're in the real battle against discouragement in our marriage restoration. The reason for that is that our feelings are neither accurate, nor trustworthy. They are shifting and constantly changing. Additionally, we are specifically told in God's Word not to walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. (Romans 8:4)

If we can't trust our feelings, what can we trust? The only thing we can reliably put our trust in is the Lord Jesus Christ. He is steadfast and never changes! (Hebrews 13:8) Dear friend, I encourage you to cast all your cares - your feelings, your anxieties - on Him, because He cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7) Armed with the knowledge of His care, you will be able to stand firm and do what's right, rather than being compelled to "obey" your feelings.

In addition to casting your cares on Him, purpose to "Watch over your heart with all diligence," knowing that, "from it flow the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23) All the while recognizing that Satan is conspiring against your marriage with the fiery dart of discouragement. You will need to be on special alert during times when you are physically and emotionally worn out; as well as times when you're unable to spend as much time with the Lord as you would like. Did you notice that in my little scenario both of these things were factors? Try and get adequate rest, therefore, and make Bible study and prayer your number one priority. Finally, know that Satan tries to get you discouraged in many ways, but three key ways we've discovered are through: 1) The inability to let go of our own past mistakes... 2) Irrational thoughts... and 3) Our feelings.

This has been a long post - sorry about that! I have such a heart to help someone who may be struggling with these things that sometimes I just get carried away. I would love to hear from any of you, and as always you may reach me privately by email: titus2homemaker@gmail.com. May we all seek God and hunger to know Him more and more this week!

Identifying & Overcoming Obstacles to Healing - Part 1: Disillusionment

Yesterday, as I was putting together some thoughts on the subject that I had intended to write about, I felt strongly that perhaps I've given the wrong impression. I wonder if I've made it seem that everything has been wonderful and rosy for Aaron and I during the process of healing our marriage. Almost as if, through prayer, every day has been better than the last.

Well, let me just assure you, in case you've been reading this blog and comparing notes; if you're thinking to yourself that some days are just plain BAD between you and your spouse, that that's definitely been the case with us as well. There have been some bad days. Some really bad days. It hasn't always been a stroll through the park. However, let me also emphasize this: although there have been times when we seemed to be taking two steps forward then one step back, overall it's been very good. The Lord has been faithful and we continue to learn and grow together. Additionally, I should add here that Aaron's spiritual growth, as well as mine, has also not always appeared to be moving forward. In fact, it's been a cycle of ups and downs; but again, the overall sense has definitely been one of growing in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Maybe an analogy will help. I enjoy growing African Violets. I have four plants of different varieties. At times, they amaze me with their growth; they seem to be outgrowing their pots when I've just barely put the potting soil away. Other times, I ask myself, "What's wrong with these plants?" I wonder why one is looking yellow, while another has ugly spots on its leaves. What's more, there's the flowers - each plant seems to bloom at a different time! However, one thing is certain: They're all growing. I'd even say that they're all thriving. It's just that sometimes it's more apparent than at other times.

To be sure, conditions will affect the plants: Are they getting enough water? Am I watering the proper way or am I being careless? Are they receiving the right amount of light? Anyway, you get the idea. If any of these details are neglected or overlooked, they will suffer. Sometimes, though, they just aren't growing as fast for no particular reason; there is nothing I could change or do that would make them grow any faster.

It's the same with us and our marriage restoration. Sometimes you and your spouse will really seem to be growing as a couple, and other times you won't. There will be periods when things are blooming, and periods when there may be some ugly "spots" in your marriage. Some days you may just need to pray about what conditions need to be changed. All this is totally normal! Just like I would never give up on any of those plants - I have nursed at least one African Violet that looked to be at death's door back to health - so you and I should not give up on our marriages either.

Therefore, in this post I hope to encourage those of you who right now may be feeling discouraged about your marriage restoration. In this and the next post I'm going to identify what I'm calling the "four Ds:" obstacles that can keep us from moving forward in that process, and how we can overcome them. Additionally, I believe that even if you aren't working through marriage issues, but are facing a different trial, this post is for you, too, as these are common challenges to anyone working to heal.

First thing then, before we get started, I'd like to give you a verse to cling to on deep, dark days that is very fitting: "For a just [man] falleth seven times, and riseth up again..." (Proverbs 24:16) Simply put, this means don't give up! As my pastor said recently - keep doing the right thing, for the right reason. If you've fallen down, messed up, or just feel discouraged - get up and try again. Remember God's faithfulness; in light of it, will you believe that He'll see you through? Dear sister, I know He will. Not one situation, from near disaster to the smallest bump in the road, in the healing of your marriage, escapes His notice. He knows about it already and desires to give you the answer because His Word tells us, "He layeth up sound wisdom for the upright." ((Proverbs 2:7) Praise God for this and let it encourage you.

Four Obstacles to Marriage Restoration

To begin, let me say that I experienced every one of these obstacles to healing at various times during the rebuilding of our marriage. While each of them may naturally occur when working through a painful situation, it seemed in my case as if Satan kept attempting to exploit them to bring about his own purposes. How good he is at rubbing salt into an open wound! Thankfully we have the verse of Scripture which tells us, "You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world." (1 John 4:4) The Lord helped me to stand strong. Looking back, however, I can see that had I allowed any of these to take hold of me, our story might have had a different ending. 

But before we go on, please allow me to give you this warning up front: Beware lest you allow the enemy to come in through any one of these four Ds, much like the "fiery darts" spoken of in Ephesians 6:16; plummeting you and/or your marriage into ruin. We know that Satan would love nothing more; for he comes to steal, kill, and destroy. (John 10:10) On the other hand, please also be encouraged. They don't have to if you learn to identify and handle them Biblically. With that said, then, let's go ahead and take a look at what these four obstacles are:

1. Disillusionment: This is what happens when we look too much to the past, idealize it, and long to recapture it. However, in the case of adultery, there comes the inevitable raw moment. Sometime, during the process of restoration, we face the truth about life before the affair, though perhaps we'd rather not. We may go back and forth for some time, trying to believe that our marriage was really good before all "this" happened - and just wanting that back. It's possible to wander around in limbo like this for a while, unable to wrap our mind around the fact that what we believed about ourselves, and our marriage, may not have been true. It's natural, during this time, to go back to holding on to our illusion with wistful thoughts like, "That was before the affair," or, "Back in the good 'ol days."

Often disillusionment will be accompanied by deep regret and an impossible wish to turn back the clock - to a time, I might add, that never really existed! I cannot overstate how many days I spent in this pit; fantasizing that I'd open my eyes and it would have all been a bad dream. The longing for a better place and time would be so intense at times that it would be physically painful. I've read that this is an almost universal feeling shared by betrayed spouses.

However, the actual realization of the truth - ie, the moment of disillusionment with the past - isn't what keeps us from moving forward. Rather, it's the defeated feeling of "What's the use then of trying to repair this marriage?" that results from it, that is most often the cause. Notice my use of the word "defeated" in that last sentence. I chose it because not only does it really describe that feeling (and just so happens to be another "D" word); but it also emphasizes the spiritual truth of what the enemy wants us to be - defeated! That's why recognizing disillusionment for what it is, and realizing that the past does not dictate the future, may help.

So how can you recognize if you're stuck in this state? My answer is simple: Wishing, wishing, wishing - that's the main "symptom." If you find that you want to be more in the make-believe past, than in the grievous present, it's possible you're experiencing disillusionment. Oh, how I empathize with you, friend, if you're struggling with this right now!

Now, what can we do to tackle this with God's wisdom? First, I think it begins with a question. I want you to be brutally honest - if things were really all that great before, then why was there an affair in the first place? Ouch - I know that one hurts because eventually I had to ask myself that question too. And face the answer squarely. I needed to do this whether I felt like it or not.

But maybe you're going through a different trial - then let me ask this: What is it that God was perhaps trying to deal with you before this happened that you shrugged off or ignored? No matter which of these questions you ask yourself (or maybe both!), you will need to be in prayer and ask God to reveal the answer to you. Beyond this, think on God's Word. What does the Bible say about dwelling in the past? Is it ever recommended? That's a rhetorical question but one that I hope makes a point. Of course we're not to dwell in the past; only learn from it. Remember what the Apostle Paul tells us: "...one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead." (Philippians 3:13)

So then, I'm encouraging you, if you haven't already, to remove any blinders you may be wearing. See your past, including your own actions and behavior, for what it really is. I know it's possible that some might say, "Oh, but that's scary, I'm not sure I want to probe too much into the past." However, it's important to find out what the Bible has to say about this. (You may wonder where I'm going with this, but bear with me). It tells us that the only way to be free, and subsequently experience healing, is to know the truth. John 8:32 says, "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."  Additionally, Clarke's commentary on this verse says, "No man is truly free, but he in whose heart the power of sin is destroyed."

Now, I can't tell you what sin you need to be free from, but I can tell you this: If there's been an affair - emotional or physical, it matters not - there is, without a doubt, something in your marriage history that is not right, and is sin. Yes, I know that your husband sinned too - maybe even more - but that isn't for you to worry about. That's God's job; you just worry about you. In my case, it didn't take too long in asking God to show me my sin, that which had contributed to the breakdown of our marriage, for Him to do it. I will be sharing this with you soon. I know this will sound blunt, but for the sake of the future get out of the past and face the truth! This will be the only way to destroy the power of that sin, whatever it may be, from ever hurting you and your marriage again.

In closing this first post on this subject let me remind you that God's Word, in Psalm 19:12, says, "Who can understand his errors? Cleanse thou me from secret faults."

Secret faults. Do you have any? In one commentary it says that the psalmist was referring to errors and faults which had been hidden from the eye of him who had committed them. How true! We are truly blind to our own faults. But the good news is that through the power and ministry of the Holy Spirit we have God's Holy Light so that we may exult, "...In Your light we see light," (Psalm 36:9) and our destructive ways may be revealed and healed.

In summary, then, if you're dealing with disillusionment here are three ways to overcome it: 1) Ask yourself tough questions about the past. 2) Face the truth about the past and stop dwelling there. (If necessary, remind yourself often that, in reality, it wasn't all it should have been.) 3) Discover your faults, confess them to God, and ask Him to help you change.

I hope to post Part 2 tomorrow or Wednesday, Lord willing. So glad you stopped by! May He be the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort to you this week! (2 Corinthians 1:3)

Healing Your Marriage Through Forgiveness: Part 1

"For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment." James 2:13

I have to admit - writing these posts on forgiveness isn't easy. More specifically, the last week has forced me to do some real self-examination. Have I truly forgiven? Am I really free? As I go along then, I hope this series will be an opportunity to re-discover with you some of the principles of forgiveness I've learned, and see whether I'm still walking in them. I do know one thing for sure: overcoming unforgiveness is my choice because God's grace is always sufficient. I can either believe that in His death and resurrection He delivered me from not only the penalty of sin, but also the power of sin; or I can doubt and suffer defeat. Either way, I decide. Believing, and thereby choosing victory in this battle with unforgiveness, is also going to give my marriage the best shot. And I'd be willing to bet that since you're reading this, you want to give your marriage a chance too. Join with me then in hearing the heart of our Father, won't you?

The first thing I feel I need to share with you right now is that you're not alone. You are not alone if you struggle with unforgiveness; particularly if you're moving through the stages that follow marital unfaithfulness. Satan, our enemy, is a master at making you and me feel like we're the only one. His desire is to keep us from being real with others and able to receive the encouragement we need. But if we confess our struggle with unforgiveness to other godly women, it allows them to pray and share wise counsel with us. This was certainly true in my case. It wasn't until God miraculously brought the woman I told you about into my life that I was able to open up. I had felt ashamed of myself; too embarrassed to admit to anyone I was unforgiving. Talking and praying with her literally changed the course of my life, and I was finally able to begin moving forward in forgiveness.

Say, however, Satan is unable to convince you that you're the only one who can't seem to forgive. He may try another tactic. Instead, he may try to get you to believe that your thoughts, feelings, and issues are far worse or "more sinful" than most. That too, is a lie. That's why I want to reassure you that my negative feelings, perhaps like some you're experiencing, were extremely strong toward the other woman.

Okay, so it's time for total transparency: One thing I did was continuously refer to this woman, not by her name, but by the Biblical name "Jezebel." It was Jezebel who led the nation of Israel spiritually astray (1 Kings 16:31; 18:18; Rev. 2:20), and it seemed to me that this woman was also a Jezebel for leading my husband astray. Because of my near-constant anger toward her, I resorted to name-calling. If that were not enough, I'm ashamed to say that I also shouted vulgar things at my husband like, "If she would have just kept her slutty mouth shut we wouldn't be in this boat!" 


There was other really ugly stuff, but you get the idea. Now, while I did need to repent of behavior that is not Christ-like, I also know that I sinned because I am not yet perfect. Someday Jesus will complete the work begun in (me). Until then I'll submit to God by believing His Word which says that "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9) Furthermore, I'll also resist the lies of the enemy designed to make me feel isolated, or like I'm the only one. My hope is that you will be encouraged to do the same. So without further ado, let's move on to understanding what forgiveness is, and how we can begin taking steps to healing.

While I don't agree with everything that Focus on the Family publishes, one definition for forgiveness that really helped me define my ultimate goal was from an article by Ed Chinn. In essence, his definition was "Giving up all hope for a better past." That was just it! There was my "sticking point." As I read it over I recognized that I was still wishing that things could have been different; that the affair had never happened. I hadn't yet accepted that it had happened. 


Sadly, you and I cannot change the past no matter how much we'd like to. However, for me, working towards acceptance - a concrete goal - was tremendously helpful as I simultaneously continued to apply God's Word to my situation. The article, entitled Walking in Forgiveness, is on the Focus website and may be helpful to you. I recommend it even though there are a couple minor things I disagree with.

Having a useful definition for forgiveness can certainly aid us; but it's infinitely more important to study Scripture and shed the light of God's perspective on it. So like I did in the last post, I will go through five things that seem to sum up the Bible's teaching on the issue of forgiveness. Along the way I'll share some personal insights and ways you can apply His Word to your life. However, since I'm already getting long-winded, I think I'll have to break it up into two parts!

Forgiveness is God's will: I'm sure this is not a new revelation to you. But look with me if you will at a familiar verse. In Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus says, “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions." Interestingly He says this just after giving His disciples the model prayer; as if the Lord was reiterating a point He didn't want them to miss - forgive your enemies. He wanted them to understand that none of the other petitions in the prayer would mean anything if they did not forgive others. So it is with us; we short-circuit our spiritual life and our effectiveness in the kingdom when we harbor unforgiveness.

Just knowing this spurred me on to plead with God to help me. I didn't want to be disobedient, but I also knew how weak I was in the flesh. As I said in my last post, this is an area God can be glorified by our dependence on Him. "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me," the apostle Paul tells us in Philippians 4:13. I love what Matthew Henry's classic commentary says regarding this verse: "In a low state (we do not) lose our comfort in God, nor distrust His providence... Through Christ we have grace to do what is good, and through Him we must expect the reward." Do you believe that? I promise you - He will give you grace when you humbly seek Him. "But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble." (James 4:6) And He will also give you the reward of that - being enabled to forgive the one who offended you.

I do have a suggestion here. One spiritual discipline that will help you humble yourself before the Lord is to practice fasting. I hate to admit it, but prior to last summer fasting wasn't real high on my to-do list! I never really saw the necessity of it. But when faced with giants in my life, including adultery and unforgiveness, fasting became a way of truly clinging to God. It freed up precious time so that I could be in prayer longer; while at the same time helping me to deny the flesh and focus on the Spirit. "For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace." (Romans 8:6) If you've never fasted before, try doing it at just one meal - like breakfast - and soon I think you'll discover the wonderful benefits of it.


Hmm, I'm looking at the time and getting tired. It's past my bedtime. I would love to write more tonight but I think it'll have to wait. Please stay tuned for more though, won't you? Next time we'll cover the other four points and continue on our journey together.


Thanks for being here. I want you to know again that I'm praying for each and every one that visits Oil of His Grace. Keep looking to Jesus!


Father, please help each one reading this blog to fix their eyes on Jesus. I praise and thank You that according to Your Word in Isaiah 26:3 "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you."

My Abortion Story, Part 3 - Set Free

Allow me to start this last section of my story by telling you that there truly is hope for every woman out there who has had an abortion. It doesn't matter who you are or where you've been. Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and He will set anyone free who wants it! He said in John 8:32 (the first verse I memorized after becoming a Christian), "...You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." So before you get to my story below, check out this video by my favorite Christian band, Casting Crowns. The song is called "Every Man" and recently I noticed the wonderful lyrics that relate to post-abortive women. It says, "I am the woman shamed and haunted by the cry of unborn life," no doubt referring to a woman who's aching with regret over her decision to abort; but at the end of the song it has the life-giving, encouraging words, "There is hope for every man, A solid place where we can stand, In this dry and weary land, There is hope for every man.  There is love that never dies, There is peace in troubled times, Will we help them understand, Jesus is hope for every man."

Casting Crowns - Every Man from Casting Crowns on Vimeo.

Fast forward seven years. It was 1994. I was now married and my first child was just over a year old. The little town where we lived was having its annual festival and I was excited to put him in his stroller, walk around and take in the events.


During the course of the day I ran into many people I knew. Glancing up at one point I saw a lady I was acquainted with because I had designed the brochure for the crisis pregnancy center where she was director. With a warm smile she came over to say "hi." While we chatted, she began telling me that the Lord had something new for her and she was resigning her position at the center.


At first, I didn't think too much of it. Then I got that strange, tingly feeling. Soon I had the distinct impression that this meeting was a "God thing." She was telling me that they needed to find a new director. I was dumbfounded. I wondered why it felt like God was nudging me! I wasn't looking for a job. I was a stay-at-home mom. Besides, I didn't qualify to be the director of anything. I was wrestling through all this inwardly while she was talking. And then the question came to my mind - unbidden - What's today's date?


"Oh NO!"  My thoughts tumbled around in my head as I tried to be sure. It was May 16. "Oh yes, child, it's that date," the gentle Voice said. The anniversary date of my abortion. The lady, Barb, unaware of the conflict raging inside my head, suddenly asked, "Do you think you'd be interested? I think you would do a great job." Looking at me intently, she waited for my response. "Um yes, I think I would be interested," I heard myself say. Unable to shake the feeling that this was a divine appointment, I agreed to fill out an application and submit my resume.


Two months later, as the new Executive Director of our local crisis pregnancy center, Barb was working with me to train me in. Up until that point, other than the people directly involved in my abortion, my husband was the only one who knew about it. However, now Barb and the Board members of the center also knew. Well, what was I supposed to do? Lie? It had been a question on the application. "Have you ever had an abortion or advised someone else to have one?" YES on both accounts! Hopefully they won't hold that against me I had thought. After all, that was before I was a Christian. On this particular afternoon though it was on Barb's mind and she asked me a pointed question: "Have you gotten healing for your abortion?"


So I told her the truth. That I had specifically repented of it when I got saved, but beyond that I hadn't given it much thought. And that was the truth - I really hadn't given it much thought because I didn't want to think about it. It was too painful. Much too painful. 


Walking into the second room of our offices, she pulled a book off the shelf, handed it to me and asked if I would be willing to let her go through it with me. It was called, "Forgiven and Set Free" by Linda Cochrane, a Bible study written by a woman who knew first-hand what it was to have an abortion. I stared at the book in my hands. God was there with me in that moment. He was stirring me to new possibilities, new hope. And just like that, it was the beginning of my healing and restoration.



Over the next months we worked faithfully together on the book. I discovered more about God than I had ever known. I grew to love Him with a greater fervency and, more importantly, to understand His indescribable love for me in new and profound ways. Once again, I longed for God and His Word in ways that I hadn't since I was first saved.


The second thing that happened, however,was that I began to understand that what I had been going though was grief - and that grief is a process. It's a unique journey for everyone. You and I can both be post-abortive, but the way that experience will manifest itself in our lives can be totally different. I believe that much of that has to do with the individual things (past sins/idols of our hearts) that God desires to clean up in us in order to move us to freedom. For me, all the ways my abortion had affected me and colored my thinking was a slow process of discovery. Like a creature with many tentacles, it had reached its ugliness into nearly every area of my life. It took time to untangle all that. Those were the places where only God's illuminating light could reach and, eventually, redeem.


If you're reading this and are post-abortive, let me just stop and say right here - He CAN and He WILL do this for you too! He delights to do this for you. Believe what the Scripture says. In Isaiah 61, verse 1 it says of the Lord's Servant (Christ Jesus Himself), "He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, and freedom to prisoners." So are you broken-hearted today?  He will bind up and heal your broken heart. He will do it for you, just as He did for me, because it glorifies Him to bring to pass in your life the very things these verses in Isaiah say He came to do. 


However, maybe you don't think so - you don't feel you're broken-hearted. Is it possible you're in denial about it and instead are the prisoner He came to proclaim liberty to? Trust me - I know how it is to be a Christian and say that everything's okay. To actually think that it's unspiritual to say we need anything beyond our salvation in regard to our abortion. Or how about this one - to say that we've become caught up in psychology (psychobabble?) if we want healing? Yes, I know - and agree! - there is a lot of psychology mumble-jumble that has crept into the church today. I completely renounce that. 


God's healing, however, is not psychology. It's knowing and being able to apply His Word to our life, to the deep places of our heart. If we are to adhere to Paul's instructions in Ephesians 6:1 of being "strong in the Lord and the strength of His might," how do we do it but by really knowing His Word? The last piece of armor spoken of in this passage is the "Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God." While all of the armor is important to stand firm against the schemes of the devil (verse 11), it's the Word in particular that we use as a weapon. By being filled with the Word we will know the truth and be able to defend ourselves against lies. If you've had an abortion, Satan will use every tactic in his book to defeat you by reminding you of that fact. He will heap guilt and shame on you. He will tell you that you're not as good as other Christians - etc., etc.
 
So what do you say - is it possible you need healing? For example, do you tell yourself over and over to forget about your abortion? Do you experience physical or uncomfortable feelings when abortion is mentioned in public? Do you find yourself avoiding books, magazines, or TV programs that deal with the subject of abortion? While these are just a few, they're good questions that can help you get started in thinking about your own experience and need.


Anyway, once I began to sense myself really moving forward I also sensed God doing something else. It was time to tell my story publicly. You see, for some time I had been sharing the ministry of the center at various churches, but never really sharing anything personal. Now I knew the time had come - and I was a nervous wreck! What would people think of me? What if they rejected me? Judged me? Disliked me? Oh, how fear gripped me! I thank the Lord though that He told me to get up - to stop being beaten down with false shame. He had delivered me from shame and guilt because His work on the cross was complete. Did I doubt that? Finally, He reminded me He had called me to this. I memorized 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."


With a little trepidation I stepped up to the podium the first time to share the story of my abortion. It was a National Day of Prayer event and I had been invited to speak. I knew the time was right and as I told my experience I found I grew increasingly at ease with it. I had the peace of God. I also had the attention of the audience; all but one that is. She got up in the middle of my speech, stomped down the aisle, and slammed the door on the way out. Ouch! I don't know what her problem was but I remember thinking that she was probably post-abortive too!


There was still One More Thing that I needed to do to be completely healed but it came about four years later. The Board at the center where I worked had just decided that we needed to add a post-abortion ministry. There was a training seminar out west that spring and they thought I should go. I agreed but wanted a board member to go with me. They chose to grant my request and unanimously decided that our president, Caroline, should be the one. She smiled and said she would like that. The only problem was that she was having her own battle inside that none of us were aware of.


A short time later, probably within a week, she told me privately that she was also post-abortive; she had had two abortions during her college years. Wow, was I surprised! Her? She looked like a mature Christian woman who had it all together! Only then did I begin to realize that there is no "stereotypical" post-abortive woman. They come from all walks of life. Her problem though? After nearly twenty years of marriage her husband had no idea his wife had had any abortions! Do you see the secretiveness of it? The insidious way Satan uses it to keep us from true intimacy and transparency?


She knew she couldn't go until she had told him. Together we agreed to pray about it. Then one day the opportunity opened and she confessed what was long hidden away. It was absolutely wonderful! The grace he extended to her and the way he received it were a beginning to her healing. After she told him he replied, "I always felt like there was something between us, but now I know I have all of you."


Remember I said there was One More Thing? At the time I didn't know I needed it, but it came as Caroline and I went to the conference. We went through all the sessions, which were informative and exciting, and then came the final day. A memorial service. All week I had felt the Lord pressing on me. Besides being informative, the conference was also very emotional for most of us in that room. There were Kleenex boxes on each table for the attendees. For the first time, during that week, I had the distinct impression that the child I had aborted was a girl. God gave me a name - her name. Sylvana. I had never heard that name before, but I knew it belonged to my child, who was safe in the arms of Jesus. At the very end of the memorial service was a "Gathering of the Roses." Each person who so desired went silently forward to pick up a rose in memory of a child or children who had been aborted.


That was it. I needed closure and I got it that beautiful day. You should have seen Caroline and I guard those roses like mother hens on the flight home! We must have looked awfully funny to the other passengers.


Since that time she and I both have worked with a number of post-abortive women, going through that same Bible study I did sixteen years ago. It's been both a wonder and a privilege. We've seen so many miracles and incredible things that God has done.


So, what about you? What can you do if you've had an abortion and are hurting? The following things are some practical steps you may want to take right now:


1. Recognize and believe that God wants to heal you. Seek God in prayer; cry out to Him and don't be afraid. He already knows what's in your heart so there's no use hiding or holding back from Him. Then use a topical Bible - Nave's Complete Word Study Topical Bible is a great one - to do a study on God's healing. I don't believe it's always his plan to physically heal us, but I believe His Word is clear on spiritual healing. It's an aspect of His divine power granting to us all things pertaining to life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3), of being in Christ, and being a new creature (2 Cor. 5:17). Additionally, the concepts of restoration and redemption are great keys to further your understanding.


2. Consider confiding in someone you trust. I know this is really hard. Pray about it though. If you do decide to tell someone and you're a Christian, this should be a sister in the Lord. If you're married, please ask the Lord how and when to go about telling your spouse. You definitely want to show respect to your husband and not just "dump on him." Proceed carefully and only with wisdom from the Lord.

The person you do confide in should be committed to praying for you. This is the reason for your confiding in them. This can be tremendously encouraging - don't underestimate the power of prayer!


3. Find a post-abortion ministry in your area. Ramah International is a Biblically sound ministry with a list of local ministries across the U.S. and internationally. Their website is: http://ramahinternational.org/. Sydna Masse, president and founder of Ramah, has a book entitled, Her Choice to Heal: Finding Spiritual and Emotional Peace After Abortion, which is also an excellent resource.


4. If you can't join a group, you can go through a Bible study with a friend. This is just what I did with Barb. While there's a lot of benefit in getting together with other post-abortive women so that you can relate and share experiences, having one person who cares and is willing to invest the time with you can be wonderful as well.


5. Read Christian novels that contain realistic and encouraging themes related to abortion. Two that I highly recommend are: "Tilly" by Frank Peretti and The Atonement Child by Francine Rivers. Both use discretion and are tastefully done. Also, in addition to novels, there are many books that are the testimonies of women who have healed from abortion. These can be wonderfully uplifting as they describe God's faithfulness in others' lives.


I've listed just a few small steps you can take to get started. In future posts here I will hit on key issues of grieving and the post-abortive woman. As always, please feel free to contact me privately if you need someone to talk to. Email me at titus2homemaker@gmail.com.


"What a wonderful God we have - He is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the One who so wonderfully comforts us and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does He do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us."  2 Cor. 1:3-4 TLB