Prayer That Avails Much

"Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." James 5:16

Last time I wrote about prayer I sort of left things hanging. I asked how Andrew Murray, author of "With Christ in the School of Prayer," could say that the Father will do the "will of the child in union with Himself?" At first this seems to us too presumptuous a statement. So then, let's explore this a little further to see if we can understand what he meant; while I also tell you about the last essential ingredient to praying effectually. To discover the answer to both these things, I'll turn to John 15:7, "If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you." Let me point out that two things stand out in this verse: 1) The words, "If ye abide in me," and 2) That the promise and its conditions are inseparable.

So what does this mean for us? What is it we must do, what condition must we meet, in order for our prayers to be answered? Simply put, we must be totally sold-out to Christ. We must truly die to ourselves. His glory, and His alone, should be our passion and lifeblood. In another passage of his book Andrew Murray said, "It is Christ whom the Father always hears; God is in Christ, and can only be reached by being in Him; to be IN HIM is the way to have our prayer heard; fully and wholly ABIDING IN HIM, we have the right to ask whatsoever we will, and the promise that it shall be done unto us." 

Am I abiding "fully and wholly in Him?" Are you? Mr. Murray goes on to preach a very convicting "sermon" in the next paragraph concerning this, which I will quote in full:

"When we compare this promise with the experiences of most believers, we are startled by a terrible discrepancy. Who can number up the countless prayers that rise and bring no answer? The cause must be either that we do not fulfill the condition, or God does not fulfill the promise. Believers are not willing to admit either, and therefore have devised a way of escape from dilemma. They put into the promise the qualifying clause our Savior did not put there - if it be God's will; And so maintain both God's integrity and their own. O if they did but accept it and hold it fast as it stands, trusting to Christ to vindicate His truth, how God's Spirit would lead them to see the Divine propriety of such a promise to those who really abide in Christ in the sense in which he means it, and to confess that the failure in the fulfilling condition is the one sufficient explanation of unanswered prayer. And how the Holy Spirit would then make our feebleness in prayer one of the mightiest motives to urge us on to discover the secret and obtain the blessing of full abiding in Christ."

I hope that you're stirred, as I was when I first read it, to examine your heart to see whether these things be true. To be honest, I think that as I was forced to look at my own faults and actions that may have led to my husband having an affair, it also helped me reflect on the question of whether I had been truly abiding in Christ. If you're facing this situation right now, please know that although painful, this trial can be used of God to get you right where He wants you to be! That will be a blessing, as well as the gateway to answered prayer. However, this is not my promise to you, but rather the way of our faithful Creator!

With that, it's time to look at one of the most effective ways to "stand in the gap" for your marriage. In my own experience, over a period of many months, the Lord led me to do this by teaching me to pray Scripture - for both my wayward husband and my relationship with him.

At first it started out "small." I'd be reading the Bible, searching for answers to my troubles, when a verse or passage would jump out at me. Having practiced the discipline of keeping a prayer journal for years, I'd jot down the reference, or sometimes the entire verse, and feel impressed to pray it. Now, when I say "pray it" (the Scripture) what I mean is taking a verse or passage and wording it into the form of a prayer. For example, Ephesians 4:20-24 becomes a prayer that goes like this: "Lord, I pray that Aaron would learn Christ, hear Him, and be taught in Him. I ask that as truth is in Jesus, so it would also be in Aaron. I pray that in reference to his former manner of life, he would lay aside the old man which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that he'd be renewed in the spirit of his mind. Furthermore, Lord, I pray that he'll put on the new man which in the likeness of You has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth." The more immersed in God's Word I became, the more verses I was writing down until I finally I decided to compile all the verses onto one page and add to it from there. I didn't just pick one a day either - I'd pray them all!

By necessity this led to another thing that happened. Having all these passages to pray took time; because of this, my prayer life grew richer and fuller as I spent increasing amounts of time talking with God. I found that it no longer seemed difficult to find things to say in prayer, just to "fill up the time." For the first time I was getting up early to pray because I really wanted to and felt genuinely compelled to.

Additionally, I'd like to share other benefits to praying the Scriptures for your marriage, and how they'll enable you to take a stand as never before!

1. Helps you to pray according to God's Will: "This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him." (1 John 5:14-15) When we pray God's Word we can have confidence that we are praying "according to His will" and will have the thing we ask for. His will is revealed throughout His Word. It's as if through praying it we come to be "in tune" with His very heart. Let me give you an example of what I mean: If I ask God to make me a "1 Peter 3 wife" (which you've heard me mention a number of times here) - that is, submissive, chaste, and respectful - I can be sure that He will do it because it's His promise to wives that they may be the means to win their disobedient husbands back to Him.

Another such verse that gives us boldness to pray is the verse following the ones above: "If anyone sees his brother committing a sin not leading to death, he shall ask and God will for him give life to those who commit sin not leading to death." (1 John 5:16) Here again we have a promise. If we pray on the basis of this promise, and therefore pray according to God's will, we can know that our request will be granted to us. While I plan to share my list of Scriptures that I've prayed (or continue to pray) with you, I encourage you to search the Bible to discover verses and passages that will be relevant to you and your situation. To demonstrate and wrap up this point, allow me to quote from Andrew Murray once more: "In the Word the Father has revealed in general promises the great principles of His will with His people. The child has to take the promise and apply it to the special circumstances in his life to which it has reference... In His Word, God has given us the revelation of His will and plans with us, with His people, and with the world, with the most precious promises of the grace and power with which through His people He will carry out His plans and do His work." 

2. Helps you to memorize large amounts of Scripture: For me this has been one of the neatest inevitable outcomes of praying the Word. Really it's been incredible how much Scripture I've memorized because I've prayed it over and over. A funny thing happened, in fact, on Thanksgiving Day last week in relation to this! My father in-law was leading our entire family in devotions and asked my husband to read Proverbs 3:1-12 for us. Right away in my own mind I piped up because I pray that all the time! While he was reading I recited it along with him in my heart.

After some time of praying through the Scriptures, you too, will praise God for how many Bible verses you're able to pray - without even opening your Bible! Remember, this is not so we can pat ourselves on the back, but rather so that we may be better equipped as believers. As the Word goes deeper within you, you'll find yourself surrendering to God's will more and more and entering into a closer and more intimate union with Christ. Thus, as a result, you'll be better enabled to "fight" for your marriage. (John 15:3; James 4:7; Ephesians 6:2)

3. Develops perseverance in prayer: "Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up... And the Lord said, 'Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?'" The problem with us is that we sometimes give up too soon. We pray and the answer doesn't come. Then we get discouraged, and may even stop praying. However, may I suggest that praying the Scripture also helps us to overcome this tendency as well. The reason for this seems to be that having that tangible list of verses, written out before us, acts as a daily reminder of what we are to pray. It keeps us "on track," if you will. It also serves as an encouragement in why we are to pray; this especially true if many of the verses are ones that the Lord personally laid on your heart.

In the many dark days following my husband's disclosure, as my list of Scriptures grew, there were times when I felt like losing heart. However, through confidence in the faithfulness and justice of my Heavenly Father, I persistently kept praying through those verses. Although it was tempting to "listen" to my feelings, I disciplined myself to not be carried away by them. Thank the Lord also for godly accountability partners who reminded me often that my faith was not in myself, not in human thoughts or possibilities, but in the Word of the living God.

Tonight I'm running out of time to be able to share my list of Scriptures. My children are waiting for me so we can read our exciting Advent storybook together. Next time though, Lord willing, I'll post it here. I'll also give some personal examples of how God has answered my prayers. In the meantime, I hope to hear from someone who may have their own list as well! I'd love to hear about it! 

The Wise Woman Builds Her House

"The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands." Proverbs 14:1

Do you want a great marriage? I'm sure most of us would answer 'yes' in a heartbeat. As a wife, do you know what the best thing you can do to help insure that is? If you guessed "respect my husband," you're absolutely right!

Like most young girls who grew up in a non-Christian home since the 1960s, I was basically taught that women were equal to men in all respects. Women were also invincible. They had been mistreated by sexist men for far too long; the time had come for them to "roar". (If you don't know what I mean, the phrase "Hear me roar!" comes from the 1972 popular hit song "I Am Woman" by Helen Reddy. For a sadly enlightening look into our feminist culture, just Google those words sometime and look at the various comments ladies leave on websites that come up. I just did and it was eye-opening to see how entrenched in our society this way of thinking really is.)

In particular, one website tells women, "Inside every woman is a goddess waiting to shine." Yikes! If you've been reading my blog for very long I probably don't need to tell you that this kind of thinking is totally contrary to mine. Without a doubt, this worldly, self-aggrandizing philosophy is responsible for more broken marriages, and more destroyed families, than perhaps any other in the twentieth century. If you don't believe me, just research the statistics from the beginning of the feminist movement until now. Very sad indeed! Most important, however, this wisdom of the world is in direct opposition to the Bible. So then, what does Scripture tell us about who we, as women, should be? One answer may be found in Proverbs 31: "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised." (Proverbs 31:30)

Standing in sharp contrast to today's roaring women were the God-fearing, holy women of old, honored in 1 Peter 3, who were concerned with putting on "the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit." (Verse 4)  Reading this chapter I've noted that these women weren't challenging their husbands, but rather were respectful to them; Sarah even calling Abraham "lord." So then, from this passage, as well as Ephesians 5:33, we know with certainty that it's God's will that we respect our husbands.

So quickly, here's some thoughts on this. God made marriage. He knows what it takes to make it heavenly and blissful. His Word tells us that as wives we can help do this by being respectful. It's simple: while we feel on top of the world when our husbands love us, they feel the same when we show them respect. When both spouses fulfill these needs it makes for a beautiful marriage relationship that is every bit the earthly representation of Christ and His bride, the church.

Now, while showing respect is so much more than the way you act during conflict, just imagine with me for a moment the last disagreement you and your spouse had. Consider Proverbs 14:1, which I quoted at the beginning of this post, and try to paint a picture of your words, actions, and attitudes at that time. Would you describe it more like Nehemiah's rebuilding of Jerusalem's walls, meant to keep its inhabitants safe and secure from the enemy - or, would it be like the prediction Jesus made of the siege of Jerusalem, where "Not one stone here will be left upon another, which will not be torn down?" (Matthew 24:2) Truthfully, one day while I was jogging and meditating on the Proverbs verse above, this analogy came to mind and I was overwhelmed by it! I definitely don't want to be a woman who tears down her house with disrespectful words and actions - and in the process destroys the peace and safety of all within! Instead I would be like the wise woman who builds her house - who builds her "walls" if you will.

I'm telling you the truth - the single most important thing you and I can do for our marriages is to find out what respect is and do it. Start by reading the Bible first. A great help to me was to read Ephesians 5:33 in the Amplified Bible because it expounded the meaning of the word "respect" for me. It says, "And let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]. Now there's some meat to chew on! Look up the definition for every one of those words or phrases, write them out, and pray for wisdom in how to put them into practice in your marriage. When you sense God showing you what to do, write that down as well. If you do this, you'll have enough to keep you busy for awhile! After that, I recommend reading Biblically-sound books such as "Created to Be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl, "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace, and "Love and Respect" by Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs.

I will close by telling you about a friend, who was in the Bible study I led this past year. We had been going through Debi Pearl's book (above) when we stopped meeting for the summer. Wanting to get started again, I called her this morning. I asked her if she was still interested in continuing with the book. She replied with resounding enthusiasm, "Oh yes! I can't wait! I read ahead in the book and applied what I learned. This respect stuff really works! It's transformed my marriage." Praise the Lord! Like countless other women who've wanted to have a great marriage, she's learned the "secret." Won't you join in too?

This was a little time-out from the series I've been doing on what I learned through my husband's affair. I felt it was a good time to share the message of respect because I began learning these principles simultaneously while fighting for my marriage. In my next post I will pick up again with more on forgiveness. May God richly bless you until then.

Take a Stand for Your Marriage: God is On Your Side!

Sorry about not posting for a couple weeks now! We went on a little family trip and then came back home to begin another year of homeschooling. I've been busy but thinking all the while that I need to get this post written! Thanks for your patience.

Anyway, in my first post regarding my husband's affair, I told you about how I learned that God never changes. That truth is so fundamental to whatever anyone may be going through, that it cannot be overstated. Meditate long and hard on His faithfulness and your spirit will soon be lifted up over your circumstances. "Trust in the LORD and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness." (Psalm 37:3) Interestingly, in the margin of my Bible, it says that the phrase "cultivate faithfulness" can be literally translated, "Feed on His faithfulness." Although I'm not familiar with the American Standard Version and know nothing about its accuracy, it actually does render that verse, "Trust in Jehovah, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness." Oh that we would get a hold of that! How wonderful to know that when we have no strength, when bitter trials and hurt seem to be our "food" - we can choose to feed on His faithfulness, which is always sweet!

In this article today I want to share some more good news with you. I'll tell you more of my story and hopefully give you some hope. As I stated before, when my husband, Aaron, started talking and acting in ways that were contrary to the Bible and to the lifestyle we were accustomed to living, I was alarmed. A deep fear and dread arose in me that I literally felt in the pit of my stomach. For about a week prior to having my suspicions confirmed, I was so sick-feeling that I could barely eat. Then one evening in June of last year, with both children gone to either a friend's house or work, I asked him, "Just where are you getting all this stuff?!?" Silence ensued for a moment. To me it felt like eternity while my heart beat loudly in my ears. Then he stopped eating, looked at me with what I can only describe as a wicked smile and said, "Do you really want to know?" Fear creeping over me, I managed a weak, "Yes."
 
However, now he hesitated and acted as if he wasn't sure if he wanted to tell me or not. In fact, he skirted around the issue the rest of the evening until I was so weary that I went to bed in despair - convinced that the issue was what I dreaded most. The next morning, while he was getting ready for work, I slipped into the bathroom to talk to him. That's when he finally told me that he had a "friend" he'd been talking to since April 27 (he knew the exact date!). He said she was opening his eyes to a whole new way of looking at things. Struggling to hold back the tears I asked if they got together to talk. He said they had gotten together once, but since we live in a small town, they had decided to just talk by cell phone and email. This certainly explained why he was going to the library all the time! I then told him that this was unacceptable to me but he replied that he had no intention of quitting. In fact, he said, he also was not going to tell me who she was because he didn't want me "causing a scene with her." I was so outraged and hurt. I now felt like I had been kicked in the stomach!
 
I crawled back in bed, not knowing what to do but feeling like nothing else in the world mattered. My anxious thoughts tumbled around in my mind, but the one I couldn't escape from was, "At the very least, my husband is having an emotional affair!" I had asked him if he'd been physical with her, but he denied it. This was no comfort, however, since I didn't feel I could trust a single word that came out of his mouth. In fact, I was sure he was down-playing it. What followed was a tearful morning of phone calls to our pastor and his wife Kathy, another close friend, and my mother.
 
I agreed to get together with Kathy later that day. In the meantime, with Aaron gone to work, I grabbed my Bible and turned to the Psalms - pleading with the Lord for a word of comfort from Him. God is so good! In response, He clearly led me to the Psalm 27. I was especially touched by verse 10, "For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me up." I substituted "husband" for "father" and "mother" and felt confident that God had indeed taken me up. He was holding me close, comforting me the way a father holds his daughter who has scraped her knee, or who has endured careless or hurtful words flung at her. In that beautiful moment God was just beginning to teach me how to trust Him in ways that I never had to before.
 
While I was spending time with the Lord that morning, my friend Rachel called. I shared with her what was going on and read Psalm 27 to her. Afterward she encouraged me to write it down in a journal, along with the date. While I had always kept a prayer journal, it was sort of "generic" - just one or two lines describing a prayer request. However, after that day I've kept her advice and my journal has become a personal memoir, an outpouring of my heart - pain and anguish, as well as incredible praise and answered prayer. If you're reading this because you're facing adultery, let me encourage you to also begin journaling. I think you will find it tremendously helpful.
 
A few heart-breaking weeks passed. The whole family was now involved. My husband's parents, as well as his sister, had all tried to talk him out of his sinful behavior. Instead of repenting, he actually told them that this new woman was pushing him for divorce and he was wondering if they would accept her into the family. Additionally, our pastor also had many talks with him. Nothing anyone said made any difference. He acted as a man addicted to a powerful "drug"; he would stop at nothing to have it. Sadly, although he had previously been very close with our daughter, he even told me during this time that he was "losing interest in her." Unfathomable! But that's what adultery, or any sin does. "Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." (James 1:15) Our family, our marriage - his relationships, his spiritual life, were dying a slow, painful death.
 
I wish I could go on but space and time constrain me. I'd love to tell you more so I could paint the full picture of just how bad it really got: Horrible betrayal of our son - with my grief-filled reaction being that I slapped my husband across the face for the first (and only) time in our marriage history, secret calls to divorce lawyers, many nights sleeping alone on the couch, spying on my husband and discovering who the other woman was, venomous words thrown in my face, and incredible lying and deceiving. Add to this that in two months' time, during which I completely lost my appetite, I shed 28 pounds from my small frame.
 
I said a moment ago that I wish I could tell you more of the details to demonstrate how desperate things became. That's because then I could show you even more just how BIG GOD IS. Oh how I praise Him for that! For me the turning point in the crisis came on a morning when I had already been up since before dawn praying and pleading with God. While I was praying the Lord kept bringing to my mind a picture of the book "Created to be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl sitting in the pile on my nightstand. I hadn't picked it up in over a year. I didn't want to now either! "Lord, I know what THAT book says," I prayed inwardly. "That's not going to help - it doesn't apply to me," I continued to reason. My argument made sense - to me anyway - since Debi Pearl means it when she writes that wives are to be helpmeets - period. Even to mean, unkind husbands. Despite what pop culture or anyone else may say, the sins of our men are not an excuse for us to neglect our God-given calling and duty as wives.

So as I sat there I grew frustrated and confused. Not a lot of people knew about our situation, but some well-meaning Christian friends told me that, at the very least, I should separate from Aaron. One couple even offered the children and me an apartment in their basement. Of course, that was a horribly depressing option and the thought of uprooting my kids tore me apart. I had even asked him to leave but he wouldn't do that either. I searched the Scriptures looking for verses to justify what I really wanted to do, but was afraid to - divorce him. After all, what choice did I really have? He kept on with her and I had had enough! I was humiliated. But on this particular morning I was tired. Not just physically tired, but emotionally and spiritually tired too.

"Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." (Psalm 46:10) 

"Could God be speaking to me?" I wondered. He really seemed to be impressing on my heart that I needed to pick up that book. I went and grabbed it. When I held it on my lap it fell open to a letter the author had entitled "The Desperate Wife." Immediately it caught my attention. In the short letter to Mrs. Pearl, the woman detailed her husband's emotional affair and gave a heart-wrenching plea for wisdom. In many ways it could have been me who wrote it. Tears fell on the book as I began to sob and read Debi Pearl's beautiful, four-page response. In essence she told her to get off her self-righteous high horse and fight for her man. The words that literally jumped off the page for me were, "God is on your side. Fight and win." And a little further down where she stated, "God stands with you when you stand by your man, but you will stand alone if you insist on standing by your rights." A revelation came to me. God is on MY side! Not the other woman's. He's going to honor me and fight for me because He is for our marriage. "For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the LORD of hosts. "So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously." (Malachi 2:16)

Peace literally flooded over me. Now, after days and weeks of striving, agonizing over what to do, flip-flopping between this idea and that, I finally knew just what the Lord wanted me to do. "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4) Wasn't saving my marriage and restoring it what I really wanted?

I called one of my dearest friends, who was also my best prayer partner. When I told her what God had shown me she said that it was exactly what she had been thinking too. She rejoiced with me and pledged her support. In the months that followed I leaned on her an awful lot! The going did get pretty tough at times. But I kept my eyes on the Lord and didn't trust my own feelings - instead I chose to trust what the Word of God said. I also clung to the belief that Aaron and I were going to experience complete restoration. 

An integral key to survival and fully experiencing God's grace during this time was that I continued to seek Him 2-3 hours daily. Part of that was taking a crash course in prayer! I read and practiced the things I learned in the classic book, With Christ in the School of Prayer: A 31-Day Course in Christian Prayer, with Note on George Muller. In my next post I plan to highlight some of those things for you and give you practical ways to begin praying and taking a stand for your marriage. 

One challenge I had was learning to love my husband unconditionally. It was hard. I won't lie to you. It stretched me in ways I never had been before. Most days I had to remind myself that Christ's glory was central. Did I care more about my comfort, or bringing honor to Jesus? As for Aaron, he was pretty surprised when I began to repay him good for evil. "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21, emphasis mine) Did you catch that? Do you want the current evil in your life to be stopped dead in its tracks? Overcome it with good! The only way I made it was to rely on God's strength and refuse to allow Aaron's behavior to color mine. Finally, I held on to the promise, "And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not." (Galatians 6:9)

Bottom line is this: If you find yourself in similar circumstances, and want to save your marriage, BE THE ONE to start. Love unconditionally and begin to "stand in the gap." (Ezekiel 22:30) Don't wait for your husband to change or come to his senses because he may not without you winning him  - "without a word." (1 Peter 3:1) Sincerely ask God to make you a "1 Peter 3 wife" and watch Him do it!

"God is on your side. Fight and win." - Debi Pearl, "Created to Be His Helpmeet"

Quietness - A Key to Respecting Your Husband

I'm switching gears a little bit. I will get back to abortion but I felt the Lord nudging me in the direction of writing about a subject close to my heart. That subject is respect. More specifically, respect as it relates to the command to wives found in Ephesians 5:33, "...The wife must see to it that she respects her husband." I realize that much has been written on this subject, but there's one aspect that I think is understated.

In 1 Peter 3:1-6 we find the virtue (discipline) I'm talking about. It's one that I read over, probably a million times, and never really understood until this past year when I've had to face the issues revolving around my husband's affair. It's the beauty of quietness. Look with me at what Peter tells us. Verse 4 says, "But let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God." 


Now, maybe you're like me, who honestly used to imagine this to mean that we ought to be sober, moving about gracefully; that we should practice lovingly and gently touching our husband and children, and speaking to them in hushed tones. I was focused only on outward behavior (the should and shouldn't), and not the inward person of the heart. Sadly, sometimes, just sometimes, I would even read over these verses and not think much about them at all! I probably had other areas of "holiness" that I was working on so this just didn't seem that important.

So, if it's not these things, what exactly is a gentle and quiet spirit? Well, when I found myself in the position of the wife of 1 Peter 3:1 - you know, the wife whose husband was "disobedient to the Word," - I began a season of deep, soul-searching, crying-out-to-God prayer. I would pray for hours everyday. I would pray in the night, lying next to my cheating husband and begging God to save our marriage. I would remind God over and over, "This is your little family God, please intervene. Please don't let Satan have his way." I became willing to do whatever it was God would show me to do.

The first thing He showed me, in response to my request that God would endear me to my husband's heart, was the idea of unconditional respect. This was definitely not a one-time revelation, but occurred over many months through earnest prayer and searching God's Word. Now, I could probably write a whole series on what unconditional respect looks like - and maybe I will - but let me, for now, focus only on the concept of a gentle and quiet spirit.

When you think of gentleness, what do you think of? Do you think of it mainly in the physical realm? How you are to act? I certainly did. And boy, did I ever miss the point! What the Lord showed me instead was the controlling spirit I had; that I was attempting to be the Holy Spirit in my husband's life. Either by direct assault, or by sneaky, though well-intentioned ways I was trying hard to get him to see the error of his ways. 


Let me give an example - maybe you've done something similar. I once tried to leave a book out, turned upside down but open to a certain page, in hopes that he would pick it up and read it. Upon reading it he would become so convicted that it would cause him to repent.  And you know what? All my attempts, such as this one, utterly failed because I didn't see that God was going to do the work in Him, and I didn't have to! Nor should I. I'm so thankful the Lord showed me this. What the Bible really instructs us to do is to be gentle (this IS NOT the same as dropping subtle hints!) and respectful in the way we encourage our husband toward the things of God. And the way we do that leads to the second part of that phrase - by having a quiet spirit.

There are four ways the Lord has shown me I am to be quiet. When my heart is right with Him and I'm focused on doing His will, He gives me the strength to do it. Each of these discoveries have unfolded through the various growing pains of rebuilding our marriage:

Zip the Lips - This was the first, and most painful, one I had to learn. When my husband first came back to our family (he never actually physically left, but I refer to when he finally broke it off with the other woman), he was a spiritual mess. The other woman had worked hard at undermining any faith in God that he did have, and so he was really confused about things. I was so tempted to beg, cry, and plead with my husband. It hurt so bad to think that my man, who had been leading our family in devotions just six months earlier, now was so far from God that he wanted nothing to do with the Bible, church, or other Christians.

However, in the midst of this heartbreaking situation, God showed me again that wonderful verse, 1 Peter 3:1, "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives." Wow - that verse says without a word! Now, you may be tempted, like me, to wonder how it's going to get done if you never say anything. However, unlike us women, men are not going to be won over by anything you say - in fact, he'll feel that you're controlling and nagging if you try. What he will do though is watch and "read" your actions. 


You don't have to have a cheating husband to apply this. You'll be given many chances in the course of your marriage, whether it's a healthy or unhealthy relationship, to practice this kind of discipline. Your respectful, quiet behavior will convict him far more than any words. So, in summary: God means this most literally - He wants you to keep quiet! Any complaint, concern, or worry you have concerning your husband, take to God in prayer. Then sit back, in trust and confidence in your Heavenly Father, and watch what amazing things He will do! (See 2 Thes. 3:4 - Who was Paul's confidence in?)

Keep Quiet About What You're Doing - Okay, what do I mean here?!? Well, it's probably not what you're thinking. What I mean is this - don't tell him all the wonderful things you've been reading on the internet, or in the latest Christian marriage book, and how you're going to change (like I did at first when I told my husband how I was going to unconditionally respect him from now on). Keep it to yourself and he'll notice, and appreciate, those changes. Trust me, he doesn't want to know all the "insights" you've gained. It will more than likely make him feel preached at and like you're expecting some change in him - something he will resist if he's feeling pressured.  

Keep Quiet When He Vents - This is a really hard one! But seriously, you can show him tremendous respect by not taking everything he says so personally! If he does happen to be venting about you, and you know he's right (like what happened to us the other day), then humbly take what he's saying and don't try to defend yourself or make him feel better. Say nothing, just listen quietly. When he's done, continue be respectful in your actions - no going off and slamming doors, or walking away in a huff. He will cool down, if you let him. When and if he needs to discuss it (which he might not!), he'll bring it up later when he's ready. I know we women want to "communicate" and resolve it right away, but he doesn't have the same need! It may be that the best way for you to say "sorry," if you've offended him, is to show him that you are through consistent, dignified behavior. This is generally the way men do it with each other - so speak his language!

Keep Quiet About the Past - This one is particularly important for those recovering from infidelity. At the outset, let me say that I am not advocating a lack of communication or showing genuine admiration. What I am sharing is that your man is not interested in hearing about how wonderful he is (the implication to him being that this is compared to what he used to be), or what a "good family man" he is now. You can probably think of many other ways you or I might compliment our husbands - and that's how we truly mean it - but my eyes were recently opened to how he was interpreting my "compliments."

It was actually my seventeen year old son, who understands "guy things" just a little, that pointed this out to me. In my efforts to build my husband up, to encourage him spiritually (since I really do see so much progress there), I had been telling him that I trust him completely. I had come to realize that there's a big connection for men between being trusted and feeling respected and so I thought "reminding" my husband of this would be helpful. Well, on this one day I told him he was a good man and he sort of cringed. 


Later, while I was reflecting on it, my son came up to me and said, "You know Mom, you've really got to quit telling Dad that he's a good man." What?!? I thought. I told him to explain. What he said was really brilliant. (Actually I told him afterward that I thought the Lord had given him those words.) He told me that when I said those things, especially out-of-the-blue, it was really telling him that I don't trust him, and that I'm still thinking about it. Wow! It was like a bop on the head because I knew he was absolutely right! 


In fact, as confirmation of this, I suddenly realized that right after my husband had reacted that way, he had gone off down the hall muttering that I was still stewing over it. He thought we had resolved a particular issue and I appeared, through my "compliments," to still be thinking about it and fretting. I was trying so hard to prove my trust and admiration, that it backfired and resulted in negative feelings. Moral to the story - be sincere in your compliments, let them be timely and let them be few.

So, what do you think about Peter's teaching on quietness? Maybe you have some experience you'd like to share. Please feel free to comment here. Hope to hear from you soon!