How We End Up Idolizing Our Husbands

"My soul clings to You;

Your right hand upholds me."

Psalm 63:8

I mentioned something in my last post that I think is worth adding to a bit. I had written about four ways the Lord showed me to exercise quietness with regards to developing and demonstrating a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4). In particular I want to hit on that last one - "Keep quiet about the past." I told you how sometimes our compliments can be interpreted by our husband in a completely different way - especially if the marriage is recovering from infidelity. However, besides what I talked about last time, there is yet another aspect to our attempts at admiration, and their unintended effects, that I want to cover in this post.

When I first started reading books like "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs and "Created to be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl, I thought that the more praise I verbally laid on my husband the better. At one point, though, my husband started responding by saying that I sounded insecure. I couldn't understand this until I sought God and His word. Then I was able to realize what was in my heart and that, as a result of this, I was coming across as clingy to him.

As wives, we have the ability to tremendously bless our husbands with respect, appreciation, and admiration. But when our admiration is excessive, and they sense that they really don't measure up to it, we can send the message that we need them to be whatever it is we're praising them for. We become clingy. An example of this is when I was telling Aaron (often, but in various ways) that he was becoming a godly man and I was proud of him. Nothing wrong with that, right? That's what I thought until, in the process of seeking the Lord, He showed me that I was needing my husband to be godly. I was placing something (or someone) before my need for the Lord.

In her excellent book, "Idols of the Heart: Learning to Long for God Alone" by Elyse Fitzpatrick, she relates this: "What must I have for life to be meaningful or happy? If I answer that question with anything other than God Himself, then that's what functions as a god for me." So had I taken my eyes off the Lord and onto my husband to the point where I had crossed over into idolatry? I believe that is exactly what had happened! Without fully realizing it, I felt I must have a godly husband for my life to be meaningful.

During last summer, when our marriage was breaking apart, it was easy to keep my focus on God. I say "easy" because all I had left was Him, and so I held on to Him for all I was worth. Prayer literally became my lifeline; Scripture my food and drink. I recited Psalm 63:8 (above) over and over in desperate moments throughout those dark days. So look with me then, if you will, a little closer at Psalm 63.

Psalm 63 is a psalm of praise. In verse 5 David says, "...My mouth offers praises with joyful lips." Reading on, in verse 7 he gives God the glory for being his help. Finally, in verse 8 David cries out that his soul clings to (God), and he then praises (appreciates, admires) Him for upholding him with His right hand. Do you see the pattern? Praising and clinging. They naturally go together. That's because in his praising, David was simultaneously expressing his need for God.  He needed and clung to no other. In the same way, our praising and clinging should also be for Him, and Him alone. 


To be clear - it is good for us as wives to praise and compliment our husbands - but we should never allow it to also become clinginess. We do not place our lives, our hope, or our security in our husbands - to do so would be idolatry. Therefore, we need to be on guard that this doesn't happen unconsciously as it did to me.

Now, here's the really interesting part. As I said before, despite our good intentions, if our compliments are too often, not timely and appropriate, many times our husbands will feel like we need them to be something. If that happens, they may come to believe that we really don't like them for who they are. In the "maleness" of their mind, the need to be something begins to translate into the need to do or fix something about themselves.

So if they're being hammered with a particular compliment or praise, it's quite possible for them to become irritated because of a sense of underlying pressure. In either scenario, at the very root of the issue would be the feeling that their wife disrespects them. Truth be told, I feel that I caused this to happen in my own marriage a great deal in the past. Unfortunately, when we wives are guilty of this it is the exact opposite of what we are commanded in Scripture to do toward our husbands:

"And the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:33

The best way I can help you understand this is to illustrate it. So let's say you're a seamstress. Someone comes to your home while you're working and throws a jacket with a big rip in it down on your sewing table. With a shrug and a smile they say, "You're such a great seamstress."  At first you're flattered and so you set to work. Five days later, with each day bringing more of the same, you start to feel disrespected. Never once have they actually directly asked you to do something, but the pressure is there just as if they had. 


Now, when you see this person and they only mention that they think you're a great seamstress, you would rightly feel like they might be looking for you to fix something for them. Now, maybe this is not the best analogy, but I hope it helps a little. Men think differently than we do. Their minds go to how to fix things, people, and situations. When we compliment too often, do we appear to be hinting that they need to do this? If we really allow God to search our hearts, do we find our "admiration" to be just another subtle form of manipulation? Ouch! I know this one hurts because I've been there!

My suggestion - and this is what I've been learning in my own experience - is to compliment your husband when it's appropriate to the situation. For example, if Aaron just played with our daughter and made her feel special, I tell him what a great dad he is. I acknowledge what he did, rather than complimenting him out of the blue and making him feel like I want him to do something. If your husband is like mine, he will really love being acknowledged. Then, along with your appreciation for specific things, sprinkle in some sincere admiration - "Those new pants look great on you" - and he'll feel like a million bucks!

"Like apples of gold in settings of silver,
Is a word spoken in right circumstances."
Proverbs 25:11