Identifying & Overcoming Obstacles to Healing - Part 1: Disillusionment

Yesterday, as I was putting together some thoughts on the subject that I had intended to write about, I felt strongly that perhaps I've given the wrong impression. I wonder if I've made it seem that everything has been wonderful and rosy for Aaron and I during the process of healing our marriage. Almost as if, through prayer, every day has been better than the last.

Well, let me just assure you, in case you've been reading this blog and comparing notes; if you're thinking to yourself that some days are just plain BAD between you and your spouse, that that's definitely been the case with us as well. There have been some bad days. Some really bad days. It hasn't always been a stroll through the park. However, let me also emphasize this: although there have been times when we seemed to be taking two steps forward then one step back, overall it's been very good. The Lord has been faithful and we continue to learn and grow together. Additionally, I should add here that Aaron's spiritual growth, as well as mine, has also not always appeared to be moving forward. In fact, it's been a cycle of ups and downs; but again, the overall sense has definitely been one of growing in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Maybe an analogy will help. I enjoy growing African Violets. I have four plants of different varieties. At times, they amaze me with their growth; they seem to be outgrowing their pots when I've just barely put the potting soil away. Other times, I ask myself, "What's wrong with these plants?" I wonder why one is looking yellow, while another has ugly spots on its leaves. What's more, there's the flowers - each plant seems to bloom at a different time! However, one thing is certain: They're all growing. I'd even say that they're all thriving. It's just that sometimes it's more apparent than at other times.

To be sure, conditions will affect the plants: Are they getting enough water? Am I watering the proper way or am I being careless? Are they receiving the right amount of light? Anyway, you get the idea. If any of these details are neglected or overlooked, they will suffer. Sometimes, though, they just aren't growing as fast for no particular reason; there is nothing I could change or do that would make them grow any faster.

It's the same with us and our marriage restoration. Sometimes you and your spouse will really seem to be growing as a couple, and other times you won't. There will be periods when things are blooming, and periods when there may be some ugly "spots" in your marriage. Some days you may just need to pray about what conditions need to be changed. All this is totally normal! Just like I would never give up on any of those plants - I have nursed at least one African Violet that looked to be at death's door back to health - so you and I should not give up on our marriages either.

Therefore, in this post I hope to encourage those of you who right now may be feeling discouraged about your marriage restoration. In this and the next post I'm going to identify what I'm calling the "four Ds:" obstacles that can keep us from moving forward in that process, and how we can overcome them. Additionally, I believe that even if you aren't working through marriage issues, but are facing a different trial, this post is for you, too, as these are common challenges to anyone working to heal.

First thing then, before we get started, I'd like to give you a verse to cling to on deep, dark days that is very fitting: "For a just [man] falleth seven times, and riseth up again..." (Proverbs 24:16) Simply put, this means don't give up! As my pastor said recently - keep doing the right thing, for the right reason. If you've fallen down, messed up, or just feel discouraged - get up and try again. Remember God's faithfulness; in light of it, will you believe that He'll see you through? Dear sister, I know He will. Not one situation, from near disaster to the smallest bump in the road, in the healing of your marriage, escapes His notice. He knows about it already and desires to give you the answer because His Word tells us, "He layeth up sound wisdom for the upright." ((Proverbs 2:7) Praise God for this and let it encourage you.

Four Obstacles to Marriage Restoration

To begin, let me say that I experienced every one of these obstacles to healing at various times during the rebuilding of our marriage. While each of them may naturally occur when working through a painful situation, it seemed in my case as if Satan kept attempting to exploit them to bring about his own purposes. How good he is at rubbing salt into an open wound! Thankfully we have the verse of Scripture which tells us, "You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world." (1 John 4:4) The Lord helped me to stand strong. Looking back, however, I can see that had I allowed any of these to take hold of me, our story might have had a different ending. 

But before we go on, please allow me to give you this warning up front: Beware lest you allow the enemy to come in through any one of these four Ds, much like the "fiery darts" spoken of in Ephesians 6:16; plummeting you and/or your marriage into ruin. We know that Satan would love nothing more; for he comes to steal, kill, and destroy. (John 10:10) On the other hand, please also be encouraged. They don't have to if you learn to identify and handle them Biblically. With that said, then, let's go ahead and take a look at what these four obstacles are:

1. Disillusionment: This is what happens when we look too much to the past, idealize it, and long to recapture it. However, in the case of adultery, there comes the inevitable raw moment. Sometime, during the process of restoration, we face the truth about life before the affair, though perhaps we'd rather not. We may go back and forth for some time, trying to believe that our marriage was really good before all "this" happened - and just wanting that back. It's possible to wander around in limbo like this for a while, unable to wrap our mind around the fact that what we believed about ourselves, and our marriage, may not have been true. It's natural, during this time, to go back to holding on to our illusion with wistful thoughts like, "That was before the affair," or, "Back in the good 'ol days."

Often disillusionment will be accompanied by deep regret and an impossible wish to turn back the clock - to a time, I might add, that never really existed! I cannot overstate how many days I spent in this pit; fantasizing that I'd open my eyes and it would have all been a bad dream. The longing for a better place and time would be so intense at times that it would be physically painful. I've read that this is an almost universal feeling shared by betrayed spouses.

However, the actual realization of the truth - ie, the moment of disillusionment with the past - isn't what keeps us from moving forward. Rather, it's the defeated feeling of "What's the use then of trying to repair this marriage?" that results from it, that is most often the cause. Notice my use of the word "defeated" in that last sentence. I chose it because not only does it really describe that feeling (and just so happens to be another "D" word); but it also emphasizes the spiritual truth of what the enemy wants us to be - defeated! That's why recognizing disillusionment for what it is, and realizing that the past does not dictate the future, may help.

So how can you recognize if you're stuck in this state? My answer is simple: Wishing, wishing, wishing - that's the main "symptom." If you find that you want to be more in the make-believe past, than in the grievous present, it's possible you're experiencing disillusionment. Oh, how I empathize with you, friend, if you're struggling with this right now!

Now, what can we do to tackle this with God's wisdom? First, I think it begins with a question. I want you to be brutally honest - if things were really all that great before, then why was there an affair in the first place? Ouch - I know that one hurts because eventually I had to ask myself that question too. And face the answer squarely. I needed to do this whether I felt like it or not.

But maybe you're going through a different trial - then let me ask this: What is it that God was perhaps trying to deal with you before this happened that you shrugged off or ignored? No matter which of these questions you ask yourself (or maybe both!), you will need to be in prayer and ask God to reveal the answer to you. Beyond this, think on God's Word. What does the Bible say about dwelling in the past? Is it ever recommended? That's a rhetorical question but one that I hope makes a point. Of course we're not to dwell in the past; only learn from it. Remember what the Apostle Paul tells us: "...one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead." (Philippians 3:13)

So then, I'm encouraging you, if you haven't already, to remove any blinders you may be wearing. See your past, including your own actions and behavior, for what it really is. I know it's possible that some might say, "Oh, but that's scary, I'm not sure I want to probe too much into the past." However, it's important to find out what the Bible has to say about this. (You may wonder where I'm going with this, but bear with me). It tells us that the only way to be free, and subsequently experience healing, is to know the truth. John 8:32 says, "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."  Additionally, Clarke's commentary on this verse says, "No man is truly free, but he in whose heart the power of sin is destroyed."

Now, I can't tell you what sin you need to be free from, but I can tell you this: If there's been an affair - emotional or physical, it matters not - there is, without a doubt, something in your marriage history that is not right, and is sin. Yes, I know that your husband sinned too - maybe even more - but that isn't for you to worry about. That's God's job; you just worry about you. In my case, it didn't take too long in asking God to show me my sin, that which had contributed to the breakdown of our marriage, for Him to do it. I will be sharing this with you soon. I know this will sound blunt, but for the sake of the future get out of the past and face the truth! This will be the only way to destroy the power of that sin, whatever it may be, from ever hurting you and your marriage again.

In closing this first post on this subject let me remind you that God's Word, in Psalm 19:12, says, "Who can understand his errors? Cleanse thou me from secret faults."

Secret faults. Do you have any? In one commentary it says that the psalmist was referring to errors and faults which had been hidden from the eye of him who had committed them. How true! We are truly blind to our own faults. But the good news is that through the power and ministry of the Holy Spirit we have God's Holy Light so that we may exult, "...In Your light we see light," (Psalm 36:9) and our destructive ways may be revealed and healed.

In summary, then, if you're dealing with disillusionment here are three ways to overcome it: 1) Ask yourself tough questions about the past. 2) Face the truth about the past and stop dwelling there. (If necessary, remind yourself often that, in reality, it wasn't all it should have been.) 3) Discover your faults, confess them to God, and ask Him to help you change.

I hope to post Part 2 tomorrow or Wednesday, Lord willing. So glad you stopped by! May He be the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort to you this week! (2 Corinthians 1:3)

Patient Forgiveness - More of My Story

"Bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." Colossians 3:13

I can think of three separate instances where I've needed to develop patience in regards to forgiveness this past year and a half. All are related and each one required the same resolve; but before I tell you about that, please allow me to tell you a little more of my story. I have chosen to be very transparent here, which is hard in many ways. However,I hope that by doing so I may encourage you.

Of course, as I've mentioned numerous times, the person I had an issue with struggling to forgive was the other woman my husband had an affair with during the summer of 2009. For about 3 1/2 months I went on without any forward progress in forgiving her. It was at that time that I got a phone call from Julie who, although an acquaintance, was not a close friend of mine. She had absolutely no idea about Aaron's affair; nor could she have known I was struggling with unforgiveness, save the Lord showing her. Which is exactly what happened, through a dream she had. In this dream, Aaron and I were going through a divorce because I wouldn't forgive and had become bitter. Awaking from it, God clearly said to her, "Now call and warn her."

When she phoned that day she didn't tell me the details of the dream - just that she had had a dream. However, she did make it clear that the Lord was warning me about unforgiveness. My response to this was that I was simultaneously touched by what the Lord had done, as well as scared. I mean I literally had goosebumps! I knew that I'd been holding on to things and that I even felt justified doing it. Not long before this, my pastor had mentioned that I needed to forgive this woman. While outwardly I agreed with him, inwardly I resented it. To be really honest, though it was unreasonable, I felt like he was taking her side! Anyway, Julie and I talked at length. Gently, but firmly, she led me to see how I was allowing Satan a foothold in my life.

After we hung up I checked on the kids and made sure they would be alright a while. The rest of the morning was spent fasting and praying. I was pretty humbled at this point. Deep in my heart I knew I couldn't go on like that - hating that woman and finding it impossible to stop dwelling on the hurt she had caused, or to wish her well. I also knew that my marriage would never really heal until I forgave her. I was overcome with conviction. I asked God to forgive me of my unforgiveness and renounced my involvement with this sin. As I also told you before, from that point on I decided I would forgive this woman. Unfortunately, it was no simple task; the ol' saying "Easier said than done" would perfectly describe my internal conflict for the next couple months.

I really didn't know what to do next. So I began searching the Scriptures about forgiveness. It sounded pretty cut and dry, which honestly frustrated me. As of yet, I still lacked the understanding that it was a choice, not a feeling. I wanted to feel it! I beat myself up, over and over again, because my emotions betrayed me. I'd "forgive" (meaning that I felt good and charitable about doing it), only to "take it back" when I felt angry with her again. Back and forth, up and down, I went. Can you guess who I was growing impatient with in all this? If you guessed me, you're right! What I eventually came to learn, however, is that while forgiving is a choice, most often it takes patience in continually doing what is right, before the hurt is totally released. In a minute, I'll share something I read with you that helped me tremendously in coming to understand this.

The second thing that tried my patience was this woman herself. If you've ever had someone try to hurt you and your family in a malicious way, and then say they did nothing - then you know what I mean! Sometimes it's hard to forgive someone who asks forgiveness, but how much harder when they don't! While I'm not going to rehearse everything she did here (there's really so many different things she did to each one of my family members), the one thing I'll share with you is that she never admitted to her misconduct.

"This is the way of an adulterous woman: She eats and wipes her mouth, And says, "I have done no wrong." Proverbs 30:20

While Aaron was still involved in the affair I had thought about confronting her, but he told me it would do no good because she kept claiming she had done nothing wrong. In fact, even in the end she sent a final text message to my husband the day after he broke it off which sadly demonstrated this. I believe I can quote it verbatim: "You should keep your marriage drama to yourself and leave innocent people like me alone." Now, let me tell you that when I read this it made my blood boil! "Yeah right! Innocent people!" I seethed. What's more, she was going around telling friends of mine, those she knew were aware of her involvement with my husband, that she was "disgusted" by his behavior - coming on to her when he was married and all.

So what did I do with all that? I stayed mad - for months! Then I got the aforementioned phone call, which brought on the period of time I'm calling, "The Crisis of Forgiveness." Again, choosing to forgive her was challenging because she never asked me. I had to "bear with (her)," as it says in the above verse from Colossians, despite this. No excuses! The Lord didn't give me a "pass" from doing what's right just because this person chose not to. Once more, God in His mercy, was also using this facet of the situation to develop long-suffering and patience in me.

Well, just when you think things are getting better - BAM! No really - that's just about what it's like. You're totally broad-sided by something else. But you know what? This time it was different and the Lord had been preparing me for it. I was already well on my way to recovering from the hurt, as well as experiencing freedom through forgiveness, when another hurdle arose. This time a rumor that was startling, and perhaps the worse lie anyone had ever said about me, reached my ears. Now this same woman was telling people that she had been pursued by my husband last year, and because of that I had tried committing suicide! I was dumbfounded - nothing could have been further from the truth. The Lord had been my rock and refuge; not once had I entertained thoughts of dying.

The answer to all of this was simple; in bottom-line language it was patience. I'm reminded of when the Apostle Paul implored (begged, entreated) God three times to make his "thorn in the flesh" depart. (2 Corinthians 12:7-8) Oh how he must have bore it patiently while waiting for God to take it away! Similarly, it seemed I had to bear patiently with this woman and my own response to her - three different times. And how about you - maybe your offender has kept piling on the offenses; three, four, or perhaps even more? But wait a minute -  as we read on in that passage we see that God didn't take Paul's thorn away after all. Instead, the Lord's loving response to him was, "My grace is sufficient for you..." (verse 9). Therefore, from this we may be sure that God, through His matchless grace, supplied all Paul's need - and likewise, will supply yours and mine as well! To fulfill His purposes, He didn't take my "thorn" away; and He probably won't take yours either.

However, His grace will supply you with the power you need to grow the fruit of patience. It's possible that you may agree with this 100%, but you're wondering how you can apply this to your life in practical terms. For me, one thing I found while Googling on the Internet really helped shed light on the how-to of bearing patiently in forgiveness. Let me start with a BIG disclaimer though first! The quote I am going to share is from Rick Warren, whose theology and philosophy I completely disagree with, but whose statement ministered to me in an immense way. I actually printed it out so I could refer to it often. I hope you'll find it challenging as well:

"Every time you remember how you've been hurt, release it. It's got to be constant. When Jesus was asked how often we should forgive someone who sins against us, He said seventy times seven. Or, in other words, we just keep forgiving.

"How do you know when you've totally released the hurt? It doesn't hurt anymore. You might have to forgive someone a thousand times to make that a reality. But every time the pain comes to your mind you say, 'God, I give it to you again. For the hundredth time, Lord, I'm letting them off the hook and relinquishing my right to get even.' Every time you rehearse it, you make the pain go deeper (my emphasis). But every time you release it, the pain gets weaker in your life." - Rick Warren

So, if you're practical like me, it's simply a matter of giving it to the Lord over and over again. It's releasing and relinquishing time and again. Keep doing it and over time you will build your "forgiveness muscles." What seemed so hard will become easier. That's how it was in my life by the time I heard of the rumor going around about me. I'd already been spiritually "working out" for a while and I was able to handle this new obstacle with grace. In fact, I quickly dismissed it and didn't allow it to bother me.

Now, please look again with me at the quote above. He says, "How do you know when you've totally released the hurt? It doesn't hurt anymore." I praise God that is true! One day, several months ago, the kids and I were driving through town. We were stopped at a red light when I noticed that woman in her vehicle opposite me. It was the first time I'd seen her in a long time. I noted it in my mind, but didn't think too much of it. It wasn't until we were at the other end of town that I recognized what had happened. I saw her and had absolutely no emotional reaction to it! I was free! I truly give the Lord all the glory and credit for that.

Today, however, my heart is heavy for someone - maybe it's you, my sister in the Lord. Please know that while God did this work in me, He wants very much to do it in you also. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.''' (Jeremiah 29:11 ESV) I will be praying for you.

Next time, Lord willing, I'll finish up with this series on forgiveness. Just two more points! I've never been able to keep anything short - but I promise I'll try! Until then, "The LORD bless you, and keep you; The LORD make His face shine on you, And be gracious to you; The LORD lift up His countenance on you, And give you peace." (Numbers 6:24-26)

Idolatry & Bondage: Hindrances to Forgiveness

"Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness?" Romans 6:16

I briefly mentioned something in the last post I wrote about forgiveness that I feel we should look at more closely before moving on. Therefore, today I'd like to talk about idolatry and bondage. What I've discovered is that the two are inextricably entwined. In the simplest terms, idolatry concerns the heart, while bondage relates to our actions.

Let me explain by giving you an illustration from my life. I told you last time how I avoided going to town, or doing certain things, for fear of seeing the woman I was struggling to forgive, and in that sense allowed her to control me. More serious, however, was the fact that I spent much of my time thinking about this person as well. To be totally honest, I would have to say that I was tormented by thoughts of her. Thus, for this reason, not only was she first in my heart (idolatry); but as I mentioned a moment ago, it resulted in me not being free in my actions either. Whether consciously or not, I presented myself to her to "obey," and thus became her slave (bondage). While the verse above speaks of presenting ourselves to sin or righteousness, it illustrates this general principle well.

My friend, if this even remotely describes you, let me ask a couple questions that may help you examine yourself. The first thing is this: How much time do you spend thinking about the offender - what percentage of your waking thoughts would you say are consumed with him/her? Now, compare this to the time you spend with the Lord, reflecting on Him or His Word. A little lop-sided? I know for me it sure was. What's amazing is that even while I was spending more hours in prayer than ever before; outside that time, I was completely absorbed in negative thinking. In the truest sense, I placed higher value on her - because she was my focus - than on the Lord.

Secondly, do you obsess about this person? More specifically - are you always playing detective? An example is routinely attempting to dig up dirty laundry from their past. Or keeping track of their whereabouts and doings. I did an awful lot of the former: Every new "revelation" I unearthed was further justification for despising this woman; while disparaging remarks from others would only add "fuel to the fire." Looking back I realize that I actually delighted in hearing how awful she was because I thought it elevated my own status! It's hard, even humiliating, to admit this, but it's where I was at during that time. However, I will also tell you that eventually, with much prayer and support from an accountability partner, I was able to get past these things. Breaking free from this bondage has allowed His perfect peace to wash over me again. Praise the Lord!

So now I turn my attention to you. Have you prayerfully examined your heart before the Lord in regards to the issues I've mentioned here? It may be that all is well (and I hope it is), but please don't skip over this or take it lightly. Let there be not even a hint of idolatry or bondage in your heart! For starters, you might read the psalmist's petition and follow his example in prayer:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24) 

Rx for Overcoming Idolatry and Bondage: "Put Off" and "Put On"

The New Testament has much to say about how to overcome sin in our life. This, of course, would include the sin of unforgiveness. While it may not be new to you, I thought a review of the "put off/put on" concept may be helpful. In essence, this teaching of the apostle Paul first encourages us to "put off" (sometimes rendered "lay aside") the old ways: old ways of thinking, acting, relating, and doing. Then, instead of, or in place of, the old ways we are to "put on" new ways of thinking, acting, etc. Simply put, we get rid of the junk and replace it with good.

Before we examine some of the wonderful Scripture that speaks of this concept, I'd like to point out how very important it is for you to begin with a foundation of truth first. What I mean is that it's important to have a full understanding of your identity and blessings obtained in Christ. This may be the most important thing I ever write in this blog: You will never be truly free, unless you understand what Christ did for you. I wish I could go on to give a thorough explanation of this, but let me say that Jesus told us that there's just one thing you and I need in order to be free - free from God's wrath, free from sin, free from our past, free from (fill in the blank). You know what it is, don't you? That's right - truth. "And you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." (John 8:32)

So what is the truth about you if you've received Christ as your Savior? Let's turn to one of my favorite chapters of the Bible and read: "For if we have become united with Him in the likeness of His death, certainly we shall also be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin; for he who has died is freed from sin." (Romans 6:5-7)  There it is - the amazing truth about you and I. Praise God! You and I are free, absolutely free from sin! It's no longer our master; we don't have to "obey" it anymore. In light of this truth then, we have a choice, a decision of the will, to make: To allow it to control us, or not.

"Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace." Romans 6:11-14

Notice Paul's order of things in those verses. He first encourages us to believe the truth and apply it to our thinking ("consider yourselves to be dead to sin..."); then he exhorts us to live our lives in a way that reflects that truth. In Colossians 3:5 he repeats this teaching: "Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry." You and I are dead to those things - if our life is hidden with Christ in God. (Colossians 3:3) Now, I'm making a point of telling you all this because it's easy for us to miss this. For a long time in my Christian walk I didn't walk in light of this truth. Oh, I had read it - many, many times before, and yet it had slipped right by me. The truth was is my head, but it had not yet gotten to my heart. I didn't realize I could actually choose whether to sin or not; nor had I fully grasped who I really am. God's Word tells me that I am "the righteousness of God in Him." (2 Cor. 5:21) Knowing that, why would I ever choose to sin?

Now, please don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating the doctrine of sinless perfection here. There will be days when I sin. Many days unfortunately. I will not always live according to my new nature. The fact that I was unforgiving towards this woman for so long proves that. To be clear then, I'm not saying that you or I will understand this truth and never sin again. I don't believe Paul taught that either. Otherwise he would not need to instruct the Colossians, "But now you also, put them all aside..." (3:8) However, when you and I are armed with the knowledge that we're free to choose what's right, it's very encouraging!

So how do we apply all this in a practical way? The rest of the Colossians passage, as well as Ephesians 4 give us some remarkable advice in regards to this:

"8But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. 9Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, 10and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him— 11a renewal in which there is no distinction between Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave and freeman, but Christ is all, and in all. 12So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; 13bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. 14Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity." Colossians 3:8-14

"But you did not learn Christ in this way, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught in Him, just as truth is in Jesus, that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth." Ephesians 4:20-24 

These two passages should be meditated on and prayed over until they are absolutely burned into our hearts. For me, this "put off/put on" teaching brought about the turning point in forgiving when I realized that my heart was entertaining all the things mentioned in Colossians 3:8. What I did next then was fairly simple. Finding that it wasn't merely enough to take those thoughts "captive" - I set about replacing them. I disciplined myself to immediately think the truth instead. For example, verse 12 of the same chapter tells us to put on a "heart of compassion." So then, instead of chewing over what a horrible person she was, could I not choose to think compassionately about the state of her eternal soul? You see - what a difference! Most importantly, these kind of thoughts are actually pleasing to the Lord. "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer." (Psalm 19:14)

Is it your husband, whom you are still married to, that you're struggling to forgive? Instead of thinking of his faults or how he's wronged you, could you do as that same verse says and put on a "heart of patience?" Lord, he sinned against me, but I'm choosing tonight to bear patiently with him by remembering that I'm just as capable of the same sin. Also, I know that You're patient with me when I offend You. Thank You.

Lastly, let me tell you how I overcame this huge bondage of avoiding town and other places. So far I've only mentioned the first step in this process of freedom. Laying aside sinful thoughts and replacing them with godly, truthful thoughts is the picture of being "renewed in the spirit of (our) mind." (Ephesians 4:23). This alone brings a measure of peace. However, what's wonderful is that the inevitable outworking of changing the way we think, is becoming free in our actions as well.

So I started to pray and allow truth to renew my mind before I went to town. No more angry thoughts whirling around my mind as I jumped in the vehicle! My prayer would go something like this: Father, I thank You that You will never leave me nor forsake me (truth), and so I know You will go with me to town now. As Your daughter, I choose to clothe myself with dignity, as is befitting a child of the King, so that even if I see that woman I can hold my head high. I praise You that You're working all things together for good." After such a prayer, I went to town. Now, it took some time, and persistence in praying this way, but eventually going to town became no big deal again.

I'm so thankful to the Lord for showing me all these things - but especially that I was practicing idolatry and was in bondage in the first place. He brought incredible people into my life to help me overcome. He gave me friends who faithfully prayed. He gave me strength. And He's still working on me! I hope you'll stick around for the rest of the series on forgiveness. Then I promise to get back to the other things I learned through my husband's affair. I can't wait to share them with you.

Take care and God bless!