Foundations of Biblical Femininity Vs. False Femininity

Please let me apologize about some "technical difficulties" that I had with the last post. It seems that once in a while here on Blogger some of my text will disappear after I publish. For some reason that's what happened last time. (A little bit frustrating to look over your post and see that parts of it don't make sense!) Anyway, hopefully now the last post flows a little better. Pray for me as I try to get this situation straightened out. Thanks for your grace and understanding in the meantime!

I also covet your prayers for our son. He is really struggling and we've gone through some pretty rough waters with him the last couple weeks. That's the reason I haven't been on here lately. He is not currently walking with the Lord and has a lot of issues of bitterness. I would so appreciate a quick prayer on his behalf!

Well, I've said enough here and now I really want to move on. Please join me for this second post on Biblical femininity vs. false femininity...

Stimulates to Sin, or Stimulates to Love & Good Deeds?

My end goal of this series is that after understanding what the above question means, you'll give it some real consideration. In fact, before we move on from these next few posts and do anything else, I hope each one of us will seriously think about what the end result is of the type of femininity we're living out. What kind of influence do we have as individual women? I pray that each of us will be sober and honest before the Lord.

Therefore, in order to answer these questions, over the next couple weeks we're going to first be comparing Biblical femininity and false femininity to see what each one "looks like;" followed by examining what sort of effect they have on other people. Especially important for us to see is what effect they have on men - particularly our own husbands. Finally, we'll conclude by seeing what God's heart is in this matter.

For these reasons I'd like to begin by briefly referring back to what I said earlier about adulteress women. Specifically that they come on to married men by means of flattery - an evil counterfeit of wifely respect; as well as false femininity - a counterfeit of Biblical femininity. These two are packaged up in one big box we would call "seduction." An adulteress is really expert at this. She knows well how to lure men in - men who, in reality, have a God-given need for truly feminine women. 

And yet, the adulteress is not truly feminine. Not by God's standards. She satisfies no real need in a man's life. Her only shot at "success" lies in her ability to advantageously employ "feminine wiles;" hoping they will hold out at least long enough to accomplish her desire. Sadly, she can appear to a man to offer one thing, but in the end she always delivers another. Like the following Scripture demonstrates, her promises turn out to be nothing more than a grand "switch and bait" scheme - leaving broken hearts behind:

For many are the victims she has cast down,
And numerous are all her slain. (Proverbs 7:26)

Now, in previous posts we've talked about flattery quite a bit but didn't actually "see it" from the Bible. Therefore, in the passage from which the above verse was taken, in the fifteenth verse we read the words of the adulteress, "... I have come out to meet you, To seek your presence earnestly, and I have found you." Can't you almost picture this? I imagine her dressed provocatively, drawing near him with suggestive body language and a sweep of her eyes across his form. In a husky voice she whispers flattering words. Of course, if you were to read on, you'd see that she also takes pains to tell him how she's prepared for his coming; and then soothes away his worry by explaining that her husband is gone for some time. Indeed, with all her attention lavished upon him, she makes this man feel very wanted and special.

But the next thing we'll see in a moment is that she doesn't just say things. She also carries herself in a certain way; looks a certain way; and behaves a certain way. What this woman is in very essence is how our present culture indirectly defines femininity to impressionable girls and women. Truly, I hope I'll be able to demonstrate that this passage about the adulteress, as well as others we'll look at, give us a tragic picture of modern womanhood. 


And sisters, I ask you not to write this off and think that we, as Christians, are exempt from falling into this trap. Please bear with me here. We'll actually discover some very subtle things about the adulteress that I believe applies to the thought, behavior, and attitudes of contemporary women from all walks of life. It may be shocking, as it was to me, to discover in yourself (like the adulteress) a "false" form of femininity; very much in opposition to the Bible.

BIG Disclaimer...

Before we get started, however, I feel I need to make a disclaimer here. I do not wish to give the impression that I believe that every woman who prescribes to modern feminism, consciously or not, is an adulteress. No, let me say emphatically - of course not! However, I think that what is at the heart of false femininity, whether that be manifested through the life of an adulteress woman, a female athlete who perhaps never wears seductive clothing, or maybe even an ordinary woman with nothing remarkable at all about her, is the desire to "rule" over men.

For example, many women, while perhaps not outwardly competitive, may enjoy controlling men through means such as being in management in the workplace; or holding other positions of authority that puts them above their male counterparts. Sometimes a wife (maybe even a Christian wife!) will secretly enjoy exercising power over her husband through the method of manipulation. I say this last one because it hits close to home. As I look back I remember too well the sense of elation I'd experience by being manipulative and getting my way. I didn't see it back then; but hindsight (and a dose of Fatherly discipline!) have certainly made it clear to me.

Digging Deeper Into God's Word

Photo courtesy of freedigitalphotos.com

6 For at the window of my house
I looked out through my lattice,

7 And I saw among the naive,
And discerned among the youths
A young man lacking sense,
8 Passing through the street near her corner;
And he takes the way to her house,
9 In the twilight, in the evening,
In the middle of the night and in the
darkness.
10 And behold, a woman comes to meet him,
Dressed as a harlot and cunning of heart.
11 She is boisterous and rebellious,
Her feet do not remain at home;
12 She is now in the streets, now in the squares,
And lurks by every corner.
13 So she seizes him and kisses him
And with a brazen face she says to him:
14 "I was due to offer peace offerings;
Today I have paid my vows.
15 "Therefore I have come out to meet you,
To seek your presence earnestly, and I have found you.
16 "I have spread my couch with coverings,
With colored linens of Egypt.
17 "I have sprinkled my bed
With myrrh, aloes and cinnamon.
18 "Come, let us drink our fill of love until morning;
Let us delight ourselves with caresses.
19 "For my husband is not at home,
He has gone on a long journey;
20 "He has taken a bag of money with him,
At the full moon he will come home."
21 With her many persuasions she entices him;
With her flattering lips she seduces him.
22 Suddenly he follows her
As an ox goes to the slaughter,
Or as one in fetters to the discipline of a fool,
23 Until an arrow pierces through his liver;
As a bird hastens to the snare,
So he does not know that it will cost him his life.

24 Now therefore, my sons, listen to me,
And pay attention to the words of my mouth.

25 Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways,
Do not stray into her paths.
26 For many are the victims she has cast down,
And numerous are all her slain.
27 Her house is the way to Sheol,
Descending to the chambers of death. (Proverbs 7:6-27)

Now, this is where I get really excited! I love to dig deeper into God's Word; especially using the method of comparative study. So, are you ready to join me? Shall we look at some things about the adulteress (and false femininity) from the above passage and compare them to the life of the virtuous woman? And finally - can I challenge you to allow God to show you if any of the counterfeit ways of the world have made inroads into your life? Oh, dear sisters, how I wish I could write a book! My heart is heavy over these things and I truly believe that many Christian marriages are in trouble because we don't understand them.

Without further ado let's begin! What I'd like to do is consecutively examine each verse or section from our text above. I'll contrast the elements of "false femininity" against the opposite virtues found in various texts pertaining to godly womanhood; or in some cases, general Christian living. Finally, I'll wrap up each comparison with a "What You Can Do" section to help you put it into practice. I hope you'll find these things as enlightening as I have!

1. Verse 9 - "Sons" of Disobedience vs. Children of Light: This verse introduces the clandestine meeting between the foolish young man and the adulteress woman. It takes place in the middle of the night and under the cover of darkness. We must note that much is said in Scripture about darkness, particularly in the New Testament, and it is never good. (See Isaiah 5:20, Matthew 6:23, Colossians 1:13, and 1 John 2:11 for example.)

Oftentimes the term "darkness" is used in relation to evil deeds, such as we see in Ephesians 5:6-12: "Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them; For you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light (for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth), trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them; for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret."

If we look closely at the contrast in this passage between the "fruit of the Light" and the "deeds of darkness" we see that the main thing concerning the former is that it consists of goodness, righteousness, and truth; while the latter consists of things done in secret. Now, let me just say that it's easy for us to look at worldly women, perhaps particularly those that live promiscuously, and think that of course they live with secrets. Their lifestyle is filled with shameful things! And by comparison we feel pretty good about ourselves.

However, I must be totally honest with you. Even though I've been a Christian for almost twenty-two years, and married for the last nineteen, there were many years when I kept things "secret" from my husband. It was in the area of finances - the one area that I fought and struggled with Aaron about for most of our marriage. So let me be more specific with you. Although I regret it now, I used to hide things from him that I had bought.

Oh, I had many ways of doing this but my favorite was writing checks at Walmart for over the amount so I could spend the cash on things I wanted - things that he might not otherwise have approved of. Or inwardly I'd justify buying something "fun" - just because I had spent less on groceries that week than what we had budgeted. Of course when I got these things home I hoped he wouldn't notice. (And often I'd make it awfully hard for him to do that.) For example, if it were clothing I would just hide it for a couple months before wearing it. Then when I finally did and he'd ask if it were new, I could "honestly" say... "Oh this? I've had it for awhile."

Do you see? Hiding purchases from my husband was the same as the "evil deeds of darkness" referred to in this passage from Ephesians! Remember what the hallmark of such things was? That's right - secret! Dear sister, there is nothing feminine, beautiful, or virtuous about what I did. In being painfully honest with myself I had to acknowledge that my "little sin" was just as bad in the Lord's sight as one who sneaks around on their husband, or with someone else's husband. 


Ouch! It really hurts to admit that here. But I want to be transparent with you. It's so vitally important to our spiritual growth that we not diminish our sin; that instead we be open and honest with each other. Look again with me at the fruit of the light. One of its distinguishing characteristics is truth. During those years I was far from being truthful! And furthermore, in reality my deception means that I actually was betraying my husband. The two are one and the same.

Another thing to note about this is the root sin of my heart. In all my secret buying the prevailing thought was always, "I deserve this. I want it therefore I should have it." This is nothing more than pride, my friend! It's that ugly entitlement attitude so prevalent these days. And, again, isn't it really the same sin as the adulteress? She sees something (someone) she wants and feels "entitled" to it. Sin is so deceptive and we as Christians, if we're not absolutely diligent in guarding our hearts against it, can so easily become ensnared.

What You Can Do: Are you being totally honest with your husband? Are there things you're hiding from him? Remember, Proverbs 31:11 says, "The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain." Your husband's heart won't rest safely in you if you're sneaky or deceptive. A man needs a truly feminine woman to share his life with; this means an honest woman who inspires him to have trust and confidence in her.

In her excellent book, Fascinating Womanhood, Helen Andelin referred to being a woman of "worthy character." While honesty is just one of the virtues she lists, I'd like to share a couple of the things she mentions about having a worthy character. First she says, "A man wants a woman of fine character, one he can place on a pedestal and hold in high regard (my emphasis). He expects her to be not only good, but better than himself." Then, interestingly and perhaps most importantly, she speaks of the influence this sort of woman has on a man: "When a man perceives fine character in a woman, it has a profound effect on his feelings for her." Dear sister, here is a question for you to consider: Do you want your husband to adore you? If you answered "yes," then a good place to start is by being a woman of fine character in the area of honesty.

Mark Twain once cleverly stated: "If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything." Although his remark is humorous, it contains a lot of wisdom. It would have applied very well to my situation. Do you understand why honesty is a fundamental part of being truly feminine? It is because true and biblical femininity is defined by beauty. Not physical beauty as the world sees; but beauty of the heart - as God sees it. 


Now, speaking of the world, let me point out that through its counterfeit form of femininity it will tell you a different story. Subtly it suggests that being secretive will make a woman "mysterious," "alluring," or some other ridiculous thing. (If you need an example think for a moment about the name of a popular women's store at the mall which glorifies this. Hint: It's the one we all turn our children's eyes from because of their scandalous window displays. Have you guessed yet? That's right - Victoria's Secret!)

However, many of us, while being unconvinced of the "glamor" of secrets (probably even aware of the dangers), can still manage to slip into the subtle trap of inventing justifications for our "little sins." As sinful human beings we tend to like "exception clauses." We produce exceptions for ourselves or our particular situation saying that God's Word "doesn't apply here." In fact, I've heard many women joke that what their husband doesn't know won't hurt him. However, please remember and be warned: I was a believer for many years, and sincerely loved the Lord; yet despite this, my justifications didn't cover up the fact that I was very deceptive. And because it's all too easy to revert to former sin patterns, I have to guard myself against this to this very day! So my dear friend, I plead with you. Search your own heart to see if you're being 100% honest with your husband. If you discover you're not, ask God to forgive you and make a commitment to change - beginning today!

2. Verse 10 - Integrity Vs. Lack of Integrity & Modest Vs. Immodest: While I don't want to overlook the first phrase in verse 10, I'm going to put it on hold and look at it later with other verses. What I want to draw attention to right now is the more obvious: the adulteress woman in this passage was dressed as a harlot. Please note carefully what the Scripture says. It tells us that she was dressed "as a harlot;" not that she was a harlot. This is an important distinction to make.

Given the text we have to conclude that this woman was unsuspected among her acquaintances. She must have even had the appearance of someone quite respectable for she was a businessman's wife. Remember, in ancient Israel adultery would have been taken seriously. Very seriously. The punishment for it was death by stoning. (Leviticus 20:10) This woman, therefore, who appears to have lived in peace among her neighbors, must have been one way by day and another by night. And yet because she had to wait for her husband to be gone, we also can assume that she couldn't have played this dual role at all times.

This brings us to the first issue I want to look at: the issue of integrity. Remember Mark Twain's quote above? Albeit a clever saying, integrity is more than just being truthful - it's being true. It's being the same person no matter what. Obviously the adulterous woman was not that way. She only "looked good" outside, when people were watching. So here's another quote which may be helpful in clarifying what integrity is: "The measure of a man’s real character is what he would do if he would never be found out."

For a good illustration turn with me to the Bible and the familiar confrontation between Paul and Peter. Here we see that Peter was not acting with integrity, but rather with hypocrisy:

"But when Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. 12 For prior to the coming of certain men from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles; but when they came, he began to withdraw and hold himself aloof, fearing the party of the circumcision. 13 The rest of the Jews joined him in hypocrisy, with the result that even Barnabas was carried away by their hypocrisy. 14But when I saw that they were not straightforward about the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas in the presence of all, 'If you, being a Jew, live like the Gentiles and not like the Jews, how is it that you compel the Gentiles to live like Jews?' " (Galatians 2:11-14)

Here was Peter - enjoying fellowship with the gentile Antioch believers and sharing his meals with them. Suddenly, some Jewish visitors arrive from Jerusalem and his behavior totally changes. Things got so out of hand that even Barnabas - who had preached the gospel to these gentiles - was drawn into Peter's hypocrisy. But Paul called him out. Paul knew that as believers we can't be men-pleasers as Peter was in this instance. In fact, just prior to this we see that Paul declared himself to be no man-pleaser (Galatians 1:10). Therefore, he rebuked Peter; pressing him by saying that for a messenger of God to be untrue to himself was to be ultimately untrue to the gospel. It was actually a denial of the very truth of God.

Turning to Proverbs 31 now, I want you to see how the virtuous woman was the same person inside her home... as outside. First, let's look at just some of the verses which demonstrate how she was inside the home:

"She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens." (Verse 15)

"She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.
She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle." (Verses 18-19)

"She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet." (Verse 21)

"She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness." (Verses 26-27)

It is clear from these words that within her home she was diligent, generous, caring, wise, and kind. But wait - now let's look at what Solomon says about her behavior outside the home:

"She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard." (Verse 16)

"She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy." (Verse 20)

"Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates." (Verse 31)

Do you see the consistency? Diligent, generous, caring, wise, kind... In fact, she had a reputation as a woman of excellence. Even the elders of her city, who sat "in the gates," knew of her. This is because she was genuinely the same person, all the time!

What You Can Do: Are you the same person - all the time? Does your family and husband see a "different person" when you're at home, then what others see? This is one thing really worth praying about!

For years I failed to inspire any love or admiration from my husband because of my issues with anger. Of course, my problem was carefully hidden out of sight of others; but regularly displayed before the members of my family. The injustice of my hypocrisy left my husband feeling "numb" (his own word) much of the time. Friend, this is not the kind of marriage I want and I hope you don't either! I have higher aspirations and that's why integrity is key! Earlier I mentioned what Helen Andelin said about being a woman of fine character - that men want someone they can put on a pedestal. May I suggest something? Integrity is the base for that pedestal.

Now, of course, there's the second issue of Proverbs 7:10 - the issue of modesty and immodesty. Of this I won't say as much. Not that I don't want to! But dear sister - that is a post (and perhaps an entire book!) in and of itself. Let me just encourage you by saying this: styles may change but what entices a man does not. If you're going to show off your body you're going to cause men to stumble. Period. Men are stimulated by sight and will notice that plunging neckline or your bare thigh. While that's what many worldly women want to do; most of us Christian ladies would claim that we're not "trying" to cause men to lust. It's like saying, "It's not our fault if they can't keep their eyes to themselves!" Like it or not, however, we do have a responsibility to help prevent them from sinning. So even if you're struggling with this, saying that you're not "trying" to do that; you will, in fact, cause them to sin if you show yourself off.

Please consider just one verse (although many others could be quoted) which speaks to the heart of this matter: "It is good not to eat meat or to drink wine, or to do anything by which your brother stumbles." (Romans 14:21). Friend, this goes so contrary to our "me first" society in which we live! In this verse Paul implores us to think of others first by not doing anything that would cause another to stumble and sin. Remember, for a man to even look at a woman and lust is sin. (Matthew 5:28)

The false femininity of the world sends the message to women that to dress seductively is feminine. Biblical femininity, however, instructs us that to dress modestly is to be truly feminine. The one says that alluring men is fun and exciting; part of what it is to be a woman. The other says that the beauty of womanhood is in inspiring men to be men of respectability and honor. For an example of this, let's look once again to the virtuous woman. Concerning her husband it is written: "Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land." (Proverbs 31:23) Here we can see truth in the old saying, "Behind every good man... is a good woman."

Recently my teenage son spoke to me about a young lady he had recently met. He asked me, "Why does she think she has to dress that way? She was nice but I couldn't even stand to look at her." What he said really spoke volumes. Men do not truly respect or hold in high esteem women who flaunt themselves. Such women may be "eye candy" for some; but they can never be cherished or admired in the way they really long for because their heart is not chaste. 


To conclude my point let me quote from Matthew Henry: "The purity of the heart will show itself in the modesty of the dress, which becomes women professing godliness."

What Can You Do: I believe key here is guarding your heart. Do you genuinely want the best for others? And men in particular? If you do, then for their sake, dress in a way so that if Jesus showed up at your door today, you needn't be ashamed. Our heart's desire as women of God should be to please the Lord. He can't be pleased with us in this area if we're allowing ourselves to make men lust. Let's be sure then that our dress conveys what's in our hearts.

Taking it a step further, if you're married does your husband approve of the way you dress? Sometimes, because of the way our society teaches men to be "subservient" to their wives, husbands may not feel the freedom to tell their wives what they think. To do so would be to cross some sort of line they have no right to. So, please, ask yourself these questions: "Does my husband have my 'permission' to speak honestly with me about the way I dress? Am I humble enough to receive it?" Or is it possible he'd like to, but fears you'd just shut him down?

Finally, since I want to draw as much out of these verses as I can concerning being feminine, let me add something a little unexpected here. While of course the Bible absolutely discourages immodest dressing; it also discourages women dressing like men. It makes perfectly clear there should be distinctions in the way men and women dress. This, too, flies in the face of modern society which has so much "unisex" clothing. As women of faith, therefore, it may make it more of a challenge but we should still strive for dressing like a lady.

May I encourage you (if you're like me, who doesn't dress immodestly, but in a "casual" style) - to consider buying and wearing some pretty, frilly, and exclusively feminine clothes? And I don't mean the jumpers so many of us are used to wearing for church and whatnot. They may be modest, but they're not necessarily attractive. You see, your husband's eyes will light up to see his wife dressed beautifully and elegantly. This is exactly what happened to me recently when my husband surprised me with a new dress! You'd be surprised to know how "feminine" I felt just wearing it. Now, don't think for a moment this is about attracting other men's attention. What I mean is clothing that is feminine and modest. This type of dress is dignified and communicates to others that you're a woman of high standards; not the type to elicit vulgar cat calls.

If you need help with this one try picturing the regal Queen Esther in your mind. We read from Esther 2:15:

"Now when the turn of Esther, the daughter of Abihail the uncle of Mordecai who had taken her as his daughter, came to go in to the king, she did not request anything except what Hegai, the king's eunuch who was in charge of the women, advised. And Esther found favor in the eyes of all who saw her."

The Bible tells us here that Esther found favor in the eyes of the king and all his court. Just what did they see? For the answer let's turn to Gill's Exposition of the Bible for this wonderful commentary: "Esther obtained favour of all them that looked upon her: when she came to court, the eyes of all were attracted to her; all admired her beauty, her innocent and modest look, and her graceful mien and deportment." Now isn't that inspiring?! She must have been dressed very beautifully, yet with all the discretion of a godly woman.

Dear sister, if your wardrobe needs some revamping why not consider garage sales or second-hand stores? This is one way of incorporating some frilly and feminine things that will not "break the bank." You might try to find things that can be worn in different ways, or are of neutral colors, so that you can mix and match, getting the most for your money. I have a friend that shops this way almost exclusively because her husband makes a modest income. Yet, she is one the most tastefully dressed and classy-looking ladies I know.

Finally, remember this encouraging verse which I've shared with you before:

"Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future." (Proverbs 31:25)

While of course the external things are important; let us not neglect the true person of the heart. In Proverbs 31:25 we see that the virtuous woman was clothed in strength (of character) and dignity. These are matters of the inner person. Your clothing will reflect either the new nature in Christ; or it will reflect the old, corrupt nature. Additionally, your clothing will either detract from your feminine nature: or it will signify to others that the Lord made you a woman - delightful, beautiful, and feminine...

Thanks for joining me today. Hope you'll check back soon for the next part in this series on Biblical femininity vs. false femininity. I welcome comments or emails and look forward to hearing from you. May the Lord bless you and keep you this week.

What An Adulteress Knows, Part 2: Biblical Femininity Vs. False Femininity

Mr. & Mrs. Woodrow Wilson in 1910

Writing to his wife, Ellen, President Wilson said, "What a source of steadying and of strength it is to me in such seasons of too intimate self-questioning to have one fixed point of confidence and certainty - that even, unbroken, excellent perfection of my little wife, with her poise, her easy capacity in action, her unfailing courage, her quick, efficient thought - and the charm that goes with it all, the sweetness, the feminine grace - none of the usual penalties of efficiency - no hardness, no incisive sharpness, no air of command, or of unyielding opinion. Most women who are efficient are such terrors." 


The first time I read this quote I was so touched by it! At first I thought that President Wilson must have been an extraordinary man to have written such incredible words of praise for his wife. However, after reading more about her, I realized that it was actually Mrs. Wilson who was an extraordinary individual; having earned this intimate place in her husband's heart. For us today she remains a beautiful example of what it means to be a helpmate; and furthermore a woman of excellence. 

"Her children rise up and bless her;

Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:

'Many daughters have done nobly,

But you excel them all.' " 

Proverbs 31:28-29

While I read many interesting things about her in my research, I particularly love one author's summary of her: "She was the perfect helpmate for an overly sensitive, often quarrelsome, and easily bruised husband." So there you see dear friend - Mrs. Wilson chose the higher road of being a good wife to a man that, well, sounds like he was a bit difficult! But this fact just makes their relationship all the more amazing. For despite his temperament, it's been said that President Wilson absolutely adored his wife. May I submit that it's likely because she lived out the two things in all of life that we wives should seek to perfect. Namely, respecting our husband and being truly feminine.

Now, as you know, we've been lately discussing the adulteress. She is by nature the very opposite of Mrs. Wilson. And in order for me to begin exploring the intriguing topic of Biblical femininity vs. false femininity with you, it is necessary to leave her behind. However, not before I tell you that I am actually indebted to such a woman. While it may seem a strong statement to make, I truly believe that if it weren't for my husband's affair I may never have discovered my transgressions in marriage. It's a sobering thing, but sometimes the Lord does allow consequences and bad things to happen to us when we continue in sin year after year. Of course He's not the author of such things, but in His mercy will use them to chastise and "wake" us from our slumber:

"Make sure that none of you suffers as a murderer, or thief, or evildoer, or a troublesome meddler; but if anyone suffers as a Christian, he is not to be ashamed, but is to glorify God in this name. For it is time for judgment to begin with the household of God; and if it begins with us first, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God? AND IF IT IS WITH DIFFICULTY THAT THE RIGHTEOUS IS SAVED, WHAT WILL BECOME OF THE GODLESS MAN AND THE SINNER? Therefore, those also who suffer according to the will of God shall entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right." (1 Peter 4:15-19)

As a recap, I will remind you that in the first of these two posts we learned how the adulteress draws married men into her web by use of flattery. We discovered that flattery is an evil substitute for the acceptance, appreciation, and admiration due a husband by his wife. When these things are lacking in a man's life and his wife has actually done damage to his masculine pride (which is that normal, healthy confidence in who God made him as a man) she had better understand that she puts her husband in danger of being vulnerable to such a woman. I think the teacher of the Fascinating Womanhood course I took may have said it best: "(She) should know that her husband is ripe for being wooed by the flatteries of an adulteress who knows well the art of bolstering a man whose pride has been damaged or wounded by his wife."


Now let's look at the second thing the adulteress woman does to attract married men to herself. It is her use of "feminine wiles." In short, she is a seductress. Now, let me say that using feminine wiles is not the same as actually being feminine. As we'll see shortly when we uncover what true femininity is, she is the polar opposite of this. And yet, sadly, she is the epitome of all this present culture promotes. We have now succumbed to such a low view of womanhood, and thus the art of being feminine, as to reduce it to little more than the power a woman possesses to seduce and triumph over man. Modern woman seeks to subdue her male counterpart not only in the sexual realm, but in every other realm traditionally dominated by him.


This indoctrination of women begins early on, continuing throughout childhood and into adolescence. Because this is not my main topic here - although it would be a fascinating one I'm sure - I will not spend much time expounding on this. However, let's consider just one indicator of cultural trends and attitudes - magazines aimed at teenage girls. 


The latest online edition of Seventeen, one of the most popular teen magazines, includes these headlines: Your Perfect Prom Hairstyle; Hot Guy Panel Exclusives; The Hottest Swimsuits for Summer; and Which TV Hottie is Your Perfect Match? Not to be outdone, Girls Life Magazine isn't promoting anything close to Biblical values either with articles such as: 100 Ways to Look Cute; Make Him Yours; and Score a Spring Break Bod. Unfortunately, these types of magazines were popular when I was a teen in the early 80s and I'm sure their history goes back even further than that. 


We must also consider, however, the false god of Hollywood. It would be a strong understatement to say that little moral encouragement comes out of mainstream film and television culture. Not merely an indicator of cultural trends; but rather Hollywood has become one of the strongest influences upon our present age, leaving us to conclude that it's no wonder we have entire generations of women and girls who are completely deceived about what it means to be a woman! I can't help but think this a sad reflection of the moral decline of a nation which once lifted up Judeo-Christian ethics as the backbone of society; of a nation where the Bible was once held in esteem. Oh how far we've come ladies!


And may I suggest that unlike days past when inspiring character development was of key concern, popular guidance and advice for young women now seem to fall into one of these broad categories: outward appearance, petty concerns, and pleasing one's appetites. Look again at those headlines and I think you'll agree. If all of this weren't enough, in the area of academics, we find that preparation for marriage and motherhood (remember "home economics?") has completely given way; while in its place has arisen education designed to "empower" young women in relationships, upper education, and the workplace. 


For some idea of just how much things have changed in the last one hundred and fifty years we need only to look at the themes of best-selling literature from the 19th century. Here we find many clues about societal ideals during that time. One such example is the book Little Women, written by Louisa May Alcott. Immensely successful both commercially and critically, Little Women was first published in 1868. Following closely on its heels was a companion volume, interestingly entitled Good Wives. (May I note here the sad irony of once having been a society where popular books bore titles extolling the virtue of being a good wife, to our contemporary one which glorifies smut on television such as Desperate Housewives. Truly such shows actually pervert the noble task of being a wife!) 


In the first of these two books by Alcott, the mother, endearingly referred to as "Marmee" by her coming-of-age daughters, tells them: "To be loved and chosen by a good man is the best and sweetest thing." No mention of outward beauty here! And especially notable is the implication of such a statement: not only the absence of the equality and even triumph over man heralded by today's feminism; but the honoring of that most beautiful, humble quality of esteeming men and seeking to become a suitable wife to one.


This conflict with Biblical values is at the very heart of this issue. False femininity is based on the worldly philosophy of feminism - that self-seeking, self-aggrandizing system of thought which views men as hurdles to be overcome on the way to greater self-fulfillment and realization. As feministic thought grew in the 20th century it began encompassing every area of life to include a new sexual "freedom" (and I think this would mean power over men in this arena); decisions regarding motherhood (including abortion on-demand); as well as the subtleties of competition against men in the working world. 


In the next post, therefore, we will begin to compare this ungodly way of thinking, looking at its various manifestations and the lifestyle it produces; against the qualities of womanhood the Bible mentions and which define for us what true femininity is. Lord willing I'll put it in a practical format which I hope will serve to really contrast the differences between Biblical femininity and false femininity.


I would have loved to do this all in one post dear sisters! But I realized that it will be much too lengthy if I try. Also, my husband's aunt just passed away and with family coming in to town for the funeral and such, my time is limited this week. Seriously though I can hardly wait to finish this up! I really have a heart and passion for these things and I want to share what I've learned with you. Please feel free to comment; or perhaps you have something you want me to share in the next post that would encourage or edify others concerning this topic. I'd love to hear from you!

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised." (Proverbs 31:30) Be a woman worthy of praise this week! 

The Wise Woman Builds Her House

"The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands." Proverbs 14:1

Do you want a great marriage? I'm sure most of us would answer 'yes' in a heartbeat. As a wife, do you know what the best thing you can do to help insure that is? If you guessed "respect my husband," you're absolutely right!

Like most young girls who grew up in a non-Christian home since the 1960s, I was basically taught that women were equal to men in all respects. Women were also invincible. They had been mistreated by sexist men for far too long; the time had come for them to "roar". (If you don't know what I mean, the phrase "Hear me roar!" comes from the 1972 popular hit song "I Am Woman" by Helen Reddy. For a sadly enlightening look into our feminist culture, just Google those words sometime and look at the various comments ladies leave on websites that come up. I just did and it was eye-opening to see how entrenched in our society this way of thinking really is.)

In particular, one website tells women, "Inside every woman is a goddess waiting to shine." Yikes! If you've been reading my blog for very long I probably don't need to tell you that this kind of thinking is totally contrary to mine. Without a doubt, this worldly, self-aggrandizing philosophy is responsible for more broken marriages, and more destroyed families, than perhaps any other in the twentieth century. If you don't believe me, just research the statistics from the beginning of the feminist movement until now. Very sad indeed! Most important, however, this wisdom of the world is in direct opposition to the Bible. So then, what does Scripture tell us about who we, as women, should be? One answer may be found in Proverbs 31: "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised." (Proverbs 31:30)

Standing in sharp contrast to today's roaring women were the God-fearing, holy women of old, honored in 1 Peter 3, who were concerned with putting on "the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit." (Verse 4)  Reading this chapter I've noted that these women weren't challenging their husbands, but rather were respectful to them; Sarah even calling Abraham "lord." So then, from this passage, as well as Ephesians 5:33, we know with certainty that it's God's will that we respect our husbands.

So quickly, here's some thoughts on this. God made marriage. He knows what it takes to make it heavenly and blissful. His Word tells us that as wives we can help do this by being respectful. It's simple: while we feel on top of the world when our husbands love us, they feel the same when we show them respect. When both spouses fulfill these needs it makes for a beautiful marriage relationship that is every bit the earthly representation of Christ and His bride, the church.

Now, while showing respect is so much more than the way you act during conflict, just imagine with me for a moment the last disagreement you and your spouse had. Consider Proverbs 14:1, which I quoted at the beginning of this post, and try to paint a picture of your words, actions, and attitudes at that time. Would you describe it more like Nehemiah's rebuilding of Jerusalem's walls, meant to keep its inhabitants safe and secure from the enemy - or, would it be like the prediction Jesus made of the siege of Jerusalem, where "Not one stone here will be left upon another, which will not be torn down?" (Matthew 24:2) Truthfully, one day while I was jogging and meditating on the Proverbs verse above, this analogy came to mind and I was overwhelmed by it! I definitely don't want to be a woman who tears down her house with disrespectful words and actions - and in the process destroys the peace and safety of all within! Instead I would be like the wise woman who builds her house - who builds her "walls" if you will.

I'm telling you the truth - the single most important thing you and I can do for our marriages is to find out what respect is and do it. Start by reading the Bible first. A great help to me was to read Ephesians 5:33 in the Amplified Bible because it expounded the meaning of the word "respect" for me. It says, "And let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]. Now there's some meat to chew on! Look up the definition for every one of those words or phrases, write them out, and pray for wisdom in how to put them into practice in your marriage. When you sense God showing you what to do, write that down as well. If you do this, you'll have enough to keep you busy for awhile! After that, I recommend reading Biblically-sound books such as "Created to Be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl, "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace, and "Love and Respect" by Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs.

I will close by telling you about a friend, who was in the Bible study I led this past year. We had been going through Debi Pearl's book (above) when we stopped meeting for the summer. Wanting to get started again, I called her this morning. I asked her if she was still interested in continuing with the book. She replied with resounding enthusiasm, "Oh yes! I can't wait! I read ahead in the book and applied what I learned. This respect stuff really works! It's transformed my marriage." Praise the Lord! Like countless other women who've wanted to have a great marriage, she's learned the "secret." Won't you join in too?

This was a little time-out from the series I've been doing on what I learned through my husband's affair. I felt it was a good time to share the message of respect because I began learning these principles simultaneously while fighting for my marriage. In my next post I will pick up again with more on forgiveness. May God richly bless you until then.

My Abortion Story, Part 2 - Forgiven

Last time I shared the first part of my abortion story with you. It would be a sad tale if it ended there - just doomed to shame and silence for the rest of my life. It's true that the healing would eventually come, but in the meantime, like other women who've had abortions I learned how to "move on." Over the years, through working in ministry, I've had the privilege of knowing quite a few post-abortive women. I daresay that most of us became expert at faking our way through anything. We knew how to put on a mask; to pretend like everything was okay. During my years of silence I spent a great deal of energy suppressing thoughts about the abortion. Instead, I chose to focus on having fun. Having fun was the way I dealt with my internal conflict. However, as I said before, God had other plans for me and so my first small breakthrough occured when I became a Christian...

The summer after I graduated I was fortunate enough to get a great job as a graphic artist. For the first time I felt I had some true independence. I was making good money, had just bought my first car - a sporty little Mazda RX7 in fact - and, although I had gotten back together with John, I had noticed with increasing confidence that men at work found me attractive. These were "real men" in my mind. Men with good jobs and who were responsible. At this time I was living what I thought was the ideal modern woman lifestyle. A respectable job, a career really, lots of friends, parties, a my-way-or-the-highway attitude...in short - a feminist. As I began to realize that I could have my choice of men, I also began dressing and acting in a way that would get attention. At work, and now also at bars (having been introduced to all the places that allowed underage drinkers), I was flaunting myself. John and I were on again/off again because I was always "exploring my options," as I liked to think in those days.

Two years into this I thought about going back to school. I had been taking some classes at our local junior college, but now I felt restless. I liked school and was really into photography (back before digital!), and so I decided I would pursue a bachelors degree in photojournalism. Around the same time, I got a new boss at work who had just come from management at the Chicago Tribune. By pulling some strings, she told me she might be able to get me a job there. "Perfect," I thought, "I can work at the Tribune and attend Columbia College."

Just a couple weeks after the conversation with my boss, I was offered a position at the newspaper. Now I really was going to make good money. I even reasoned that when I got my degree perhaps I could stay on at the Trib and work for them as a photojournalist. Like frosting on the cake, my new studio apartment I planned to rent in the Hyde Park area of Chicago was really cute too. John and I had ended it for good months earlier, and so now I felt free to do whatever I wanted. Feeling positive about my future, I put in my two weeks notice.

Looking back, I know that the Lord was orchestrating events in my life even before I knew Him. This was one of those times. The two weeks were ticking down and I was growing uneasy. I arrived at work on my last day to discover that my co-workers had planned a going-away party. I was really touched. It also made what I had to do that much more difficult. But it had to be done - I needed to find out if I could still keep my job.

I waited until my boss had a free moment and asked her if we could talk. I don't recall everything about the conversation but I do remember that she was shocked and disappointed. She had put in a good word for me and now I wasn't following through. However, after giving it some serious thought, by day's end she said I could stay if that's what I wanted.

I did want to stay, but truthfully, I'm not sure I knew why I wanted to stay. In hindsight I believe that the Lord ordered my steps during this time so that His purposes would be fulfilled. I had started to casually date a Jehovah's Witness from a different department at work and, of course, he was always rattling on about that. I was getting annoyed by it. At the same time, in my own department, there were a couple of people that I knew were Christians; both were really serious about God. Where before I might have avoided them, now for some reason I felt drawn.

Over the next month or two I bombarded them both with questions about God and the Bible. Finally, the older lady, Laura, asked me if I had a Bible. When I told her I didn't she surprised me by bringing me a new Bible the next day. She instructed me to start by reading John. Embarrassed, I had to ask her what she meant. She told me it was one of the Gospels - blank stare - in the New Testament - a laugh and look of apology - finally, the truth dawned on her and she understood. I was completely Bible illiterate. With great patience she opened the Book and gently took hold of the ribbon, found the Gospel of John, and placed the bookmark there.

From that time on I read the Bible like someone starved. Every waking moment I was glued to its pages. The more I read the more I was convinced that the two people in my department had the answer, and the guy I was dating did not. Sometimes in the break room they would end up debating each other and I would listen intently, soaking it all in. During those days I was getting a real lesson in defending the faith - I just didn't know it quite yet!

Sometime around Christmas I was watching Christian TV one evening after work. A man on there was giving a testimony and asking viewers if they would also like to receive Jesus as savior. That night I prayed along with him as he lead me in a simple prayer of trust and repentance. God had really been drawing me for months and now I wept with a sense of joy and peace. I could hardly wait to see Laura the next day and tell her the good news.

When she arrived I was already there - waiting at the door of our department. "Laura, Laura! I got saved!" I cried out. "Oh praise the Lord!" she responded enthusiastically. We jumped up and down and then embraced each other. I noticed a couple of on-lookers rolled their eyes and I overheard one of them mutter with disgust, "A couple of Jesus freaks."

As the weekend drew near I was anticipating having a whole Saturday to read the Bible and pray. When the day dawned I brewed a large pot of coffee. As I began to pray it seemed the Lord wanted to speak to me about some very specific things. I spent most of the day repenting of different sins as the Lord brought them to mind. Eventually He gently nudged me about the abortion. My heart broke! I hadn't thought about that in so long! In tears I agreed with Him and confessed that my own sinful decisions had brought me to the place of having an abortion. It was not my mom's fault. It wasn't John's or anyone else's. It was mine. I had been living selfishly and the fruit of that was that I had consented to a horrific act of violence against an innocent human being - my baby. This was the first time I really allowed myself to admit the truth. I had been carrying a baby, not just a "blob of tissue;" a convenient lie used by the abortion industry to sell their services, and one perpetuated by the women themselves to soothe their consciences. I had believed a lie in order to protect myself.

I repented and asked God to forgive me. I thought of all the people I had wronged through this one sin. I went on for some time - maybe an hour or two. In the end I felt relief and assurance of His forgiveness. I was just beginning to learn something of His faithfulness and righteousness to "forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

I wish I could say that that's all it takes - just receive God's forgiveness and all will be well. It was a wonderful start to my healing; but it was just that, a start. I unknowingly thought there was nothing left to do. I didn't realize how great the "damage" really was. So I stuffed it again - this time under a Christian veneer.

In my next post I promise to get to the healing part! I had originally planned to do that in this one. However, I think the Lord wanted me to share my testimony because it's too easy as Christians to gloss over painful wounds just because we're saved now. That's in essence what I did. Yes, absolutely yes, there's healing and forgiveness in salvation. Receiving Christ is the most beautiful, wondrous thing that can ever happen to anyone. His work is all-sufficient; I don't want to diminish that. In fact, I want to glorify it and say that He came to give us freedom and truth. I know from personal experience, and from working as a leader in post-abortion Bible studies, that God wants to go much deeper and much more thoroughly than we can even imagine. When He does a healing work it's complete and whole; literally life-transforming. I've seen it happen time and again. Women are set free to become the woman God wants them to be! Next time I will show you how He brought that about in my life and give some practical first steps if you've experienced abortion and want healing.

If, however, you've had an abortion and need immediate help, please feel free to contact me. You may email me confidentially at titus2homemaker@gmail.com.