Healing Your Marriage Through Forgiveness: Part 2

In this post I'm continuing my series on forgiveness. So far we've only covered one principle; determining that it's God's will that we forgive. Now we'll move on and examine additional principles dealing with more of the heart issues. I'm really excited! God has done such amazing things in my life, and in my marriage, through the grace of forgiveness. I can hardly wait to share them with you. And since He is no respecter of persons (Acts 10:34), I believe He will do great things in your life, too, as you walk a life of obedience.

Now, when I think about forgiveness I can't help but feel that this next truth is the one I treasure most, for a couple of reasons. For one, because it's highly practical; and two, because it seems to speak the most to wounded hearts. I hope you are as anxious as I am to get to it!

Freedom, Healing, Fruit-Bearing, & Reconciliation

Forgiveness is God's Plan (to Set You Free): When we looked at forgiveness being God's will, our text was Matthew 6. Now let's turn a few chapters to Matthew 18 and read another familiar passage of Scripture:

23“For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. 24When he had begun to settle them, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. 25But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made. 26So the slave fell to the ground and prostrated himself before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.’ 27And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt. 28But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay back what you owe.’ 29So his fellow slave fell to the ground and began to plead with him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ 30But he was unwilling and went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed. 31So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened. 32Then summoning him, his lord said to him, ‘You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?’ 34And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. 35My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.” (Matthew 18:23-35)

Often referred to as "The Parable of the Wicked Servant," or,"The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant," this powerful passage of Scripture gives us ample opportunity to glean some wisdom for our own lives. Let's go ahead then and study it in more detail!

The first thing I'd like to note is the amount of debt the servant owed the master - ten thousand talents. To understand this staggering sum I will quote from Max Lucado: "Before 'talent' meant skill, it meant money. It represented the largest unit of accounting in the Greek currency – 10,000 denarii. According to the parable of the workers, a denarius represented a day’s fair wages (Matt. 20:2). Multiply your daily wage by 10,000, and you discover the value of a talent. If you earn $30,000 a year and you annually work 260 days, you make about $115 a day. A talent in your case is valued at 10,000 times $115 or $1,150,000." Now, don't forget - the servant owed ten thousand times this amount; an impossible amount to repay! 

Interestingly, the servant in this parable never acknowledges his inability to do this. In fact, he actually tells his master that he will repay (v. 29). This is an important, but often overlooked, detail of the story. I think it demonstrates that he never fully realized how great his debt was; and subsequently, he was not truly humbled to appreciate the gift of forgiveness he was about to receive. This should be a warning to us. Have we soul-searchingly humbled ourselves before the mighty throne of God, looked upon His perfect holiness, and admitted that our sin was greater than we could ever repay? Before you shrug this off as being a rhetorical question, consider this: often the greatest test of this we'll ever face is when we, like the unmerciful servant, must deal with someone who "owes us." Let me explain what I mean.

As in the parable, whenever someone is injured, offended, or sinned against by another, it establishes a debtor relationship. The person in your life that hurt you is your "debtor." The proud servant in this passage had a debtor too. How did he deal with him? He "went and threw him in prison." Locked him up. Funny thing is, he sent his fellow servant to prison where he could not repay the debt. So what good did it do the wicked servant to do this? You and I know the answer, don't we? No good. Likewise, no one can ever repay us for the harm they caused either. And because they can't repay, it does us no good to "get even" or to hold their offense against them forever.

I hope, my friend, you can see the direction I'm leading you. In your heart of hearts you know that your husband, the other woman, or whomever, owes you. However, I'm also asking you to consider how much, how great a payment, you owe God. Remember: the servant (who we are much alike, I'm afraid) owed more than he could ever repay; while the fellow servant owed much, much less. Ouch, that hurts! Oh how our flesh cringes at the thought that this person, who hurt us so badly - maybe worse than we've ever experienced, owes us little in the light of our debt towards God.

This concept however, when fully grasped, will set you free in two ways: First, and most importantly, you will be able to praise God like never before. Meditate with me on Paul's words in these two verses: "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) He did this while we were still utterly offensive to Him! And think - our offenses were worse, infinitely worse than that particular person's offenses against you and me. Now that truly is love. What's more, it is with that incredible love that He actively loves us! Did you catch the word "actively" there? If you doubt that, or just need encouragement, grab your Bible and check out Romans 8:35-39. Please, don't just read it. Drink it in! Let each word speak to your heart today!

35"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. 37Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. 38For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."


The second verse is 2 Corinthians 9:15, "Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!" Although lengthy, I like what the 19th century theologian Albert Barnes said in his Notes on the New Testament regarding this: "This is a gift unspeakably great, whose value no language can express, no heart fully conceive. It is so because:
(a) Of His own greatness and glory;


(b) Because of the inexpressible love which He evinced;


(c) Because of the unutterable sufferings which He endured;


(d) Because of the inexpressibly great benefits which result from His work. No language can do justice to this work in either of these respects; no heart in this world fully conceives the obligation which rests upon man in virtue of His work.


(2) Thanks should be rendered to God for this. We owe Him our highest praises for this. This appears:


(a) Because it was mere benevolence in God. We had no claim; we could not compel Him to grant us a Saviour. The gift might have been withheld, and His throne would have been spotless, We owe no thanks where we have a claim; where we deserve nothing, then He who benefits us has a claim on our thanks.


(b) Because of the benefits which we have received from Him. Who can express this? All our peace and hope; all our comfort and joy in this life; all our prospect of pardon and salvation; all the offers of eternal glory are to be traced to Him. Man has no prospect of being happy when he dies but in virtue of the "unspeakable gift" of God. And when he thinks of his sins, which may now be freely pardoned; when he thinks of an agitated and troubled conscience, which may now be at peace; when he thinks of his soul, which may now be unspeakably and eternally happy; when he thinks of the hell from which he is delivered, and of the heaven to whose eternal glories he may now be raised up by the gift of a Saviour, his heart should overflow with gratitude, and the language should be continually on his lips and in his heart, "thanks be unto God for His unspeakable gift." Every other mercy should seem small compared with this; and every manifestation of right feeling in the heart should lead us to contemplate the source of it, and to feel, as Paul did, that all is to be traced to the unspeakable gift of God."


Well, I certainly couldn't have said it better myself! But let's look at the second way you can be set free by the truth we're discovering in this parable. It deals with your heart. Look again at the last statement Jesus makes in the passage from Matthew, "My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.” What will the Father do? Verse 34 tells us that He will hand you over to be "tortured." While this may seem harsh for me to point this out, what I mean is that when you're unforgiving towards someone, your heart is in bondage. The best way for me to demonstrate this is to share a little snippet from my own story.


I've mentioned several times the lady whom the Lord sent into my life. Well, after I confessed to her that I was struggling with unforgiveness, I shared the details of it - how it was affecting my life. Since we live in the country, I told her that I avoided going to town as much as possible. I was so angry towards that woman that it kept me from going certain places, and driving down certain streets, whenever I had to be in town - because I might run into her! Immediately my friend said to me, "Why are you making an idol of this woman?" I replied, "What do you mean?!" She went on, "Who is controlling your life right now? Who's determining what you do and don't do? Would you say it's the Holy Spirit or this woman?" I thought for a moment. The woman I guess. "Then she's become an idol to you. And God does not want you to have anything before Him."

Oh boy - did she ever hit the nail on the head! I was in bondage, because I was steeped in idolatry. My heart was not right with the Lord as long as someone else controlled me. Who or what should control you and me then? "For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died." (2 Cor. 5:14) Since according to 1 John 4:16 God is love, we can reason that the "love of Christ" and God are one and the same. Therefore, God alone should be the One to control us. And notice the connection between that "controlling" love and the rest of the verse. It caused Paul to "conclude" something - to be affected in his way of thinking. I believe that we, too, should be transformed in the same manner. I'm talking about the very things we allow into in our hearts. Remember Paul's admonition in 2 Cor. 10:5 to take "every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." Friend, don't let that other person be your "master." Be free by taking those unforgiving thoughts captive, and by letting God's love both reassure and change you. At the end I'll have some concluding thoughts about that.

Well, I have gone on too long again. I'm starting to think that I'll only be able to mention one point in each of these posts! Anyway, let me share just two more things about freedom through forgiveness. Jesus said to forgive "from the heart." So how do you do that? Simply put, you make a conscious decision of the will to release that person from the debt they owe you. You may not "feel" anything right away. Don't worry, that's not the point. It's your decision that matters. You do have the ability to do it because God has already given you, through His divine power, everything pertaining to life and godliness. (2 Peter 1:3) I've talked about that quite a bit already and I hope you're beginning to believe it, and grab hold of it. I encourage you to no longer allow Satan to "rent a room" in your heart; but rather, be like Jesus who said in John 14:30, "I will not speak much more with you, for the ruler of the world is coming, and he has nothing in Me."

In closing, let me share this wonderful quote from Lewis Smedes, "When you release the wrongdoer from the wrong, you cut a malignant tumor out of your inner life. You set a prisoner free, but you discover that the real prisoner was yourself."

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't also share a wonderful series on forgiveness that you can download and listen to on your computer. It's by Charlyne Steinkamp, who has an amazing testimony of healing in her marriage. It's entitled, "Forgive Them" and can be found here:
http://rejoiceministries.org/forgivethem.html?utm_source=forgivethem.net&utm_medium=domain&utm_campaign=forgivethem.net
The Steinkamps founded Rejoice Marriage Ministries, and it's one of the most significant ministries I know of that's reaching out to hurting marriages and those battling to save them.

Blessings! Remember that God is your strength, your fortress, and your refuge. (Jer. 16:19)