Acceptance: The Golden Key to Respecting Our Husband

"So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another." Romans 14:19

In my blog post entitled Does Your Husband Need to Change? I explored the issue of trying to change our husbands. I explained how the root of it is discontentment. Additionally, if we're honest we'll find that discontentment is oftentimes accompanied by an unconscious feeling that we deserve better. 

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I also talked about the various ways we attempt to change our husband. I showed you how all these things damage our relationships - not just with our husband, but with God as well. It puts a "sin wedge" between us and God; and it puts up walls between us and our spouse.


Now, the good news is that we, as wives, are not powerless, nor is our situation hopeless. Indeed we have been given the sure promise of God that we have incredible influence over our husband when our heart's desire is to trust Him, and Him alone. This, of course, comes from my favorite "go to" passage for wives: 1 Peter 3. I even sometimes think that this blog has become my own commentary on 1 Peter 3! I love it because it's loaded with wisdom for the challenges we face as women today.


There is much we can do to encourage our husband to want to become a better man - all without the usual strong-armed tactics on our part. But before we get to that, however, I think we should talk about behavior a husband may display that truly should be considered unacceptable. These are much more than "idiosyncrasies," quirks, annoying habits, or even hurtful things your husband may do as a defensive measure. Rather, unacceptable behavior includes things which fall into two main categories: adultery and abuse. Such things should not be tolerated and must be dealt with differently than those ordinary things wives complain about. 


Much has been written on the subject of abuse by people far more knowledgeable than me, so I will not cover that at length here. Instead, if you believe you are in an abusive relationship which would include physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, I would like to refer you to an excellent ministry called Hope for the Heart. By clicking the link to their website I believe you will find tons of Biblical resources to help you deal with your situation.


If, on the other hand, you are facing the challenge and heartbreak of adultery, I encourage you to browse this website for past posts on this subject, including the story of my own marriage. A good place to start is with the post entitled What I've Learned Through My Husband's Affair. From there you may continue through the posts to the present for help on issues such as: finding out about the affair, hurt, trusting God, re-establishing trust in a marriage touched by adultery, forgiveness, and marriage restoration. Please also feel free to contact me personally if you'd like at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. 


And finally, if you are in a marriage where your spouse has left you for another woman, or won't give up his affair partner, please click the link for Rejoice Marriage Ministries in the sidebar to check out their website. I truly believe God led me to that particular ministry during my husband's affair as a means of saving our marriage. I'm sure that you, too, will be very encouraged by their testimony and the resources they have available.

Acceptance - What is it?

First, if your marriage has suffered a lack of acceptance it will come as refreshing as a long, cool drink in a desert when reintroduced. Therefore, please allow me to attempt a definition of acceptance (as it applies to the marriage relationship). I believe it is this: Acceptance is relinquishing control; it is giving your husband freedom to be himself. 

Do you remember when the two of you met? No doubt your husband was your knight-in-shining-armor. He could do no wrong. Not literally, of course. But you were quick to overlook his faults and to look to his better qualities instead. You accepted him.

If you had tried to change your husband when you were courting you probably would never have gotten married. No man wants to marry a "nag." But you didn't nag or harass him. Unconsciously you did what every man wants. You accepted him - faults and all - and he stepped up by aspiring to be the man of your dreams. If I sound a little pollyanna, please forgive me. I certainly realize that life is not a fairy tale but I also encourage you to consider that what I'm saying is more often than not a part of the dynamics of a premarital relationship.

Then the vows are exchanged, the honeymoon over, and reality sets in. Suddenly you realize that your husband isn't so perfect. The weaknesses and faults you had turned a blind eye to (or thought you could live with) have become unbearable, blatant FLAWS! This is when problems usually begin to arise within a marriage. 


In my own it took place within the first year. For some reason my husband's singing started to grate on my nerves. (And he liked to sing a lot!) Unfortunately, I was neither wise nor mature enough at that time to simply laugh it off or overlook it. Instead I made sure he knew that I found his singing annoying! Of course I cringe now as I think back on it. It's sad that I ruined the peace and contentment within our home over something so ridiculous! Furthermore, my behavior began a tragic pattern of criticizing my husband that would encompass nearly every area of his manhood and last for years to come. I was like the foolish woman of Proverbs 14:1. "The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands."


On the other hand, some wives, usually those who have had a good example in their mother or sound spiritual training concerning this, will keep quiet about their husband's faults. 

But it must be pointed out that this generally goes two ways: The first wife, while outwardly keeping quiet and trying not to complain much (she has some self-control), inwardly is seething. In her heart she grows increasingly angry as she builds her "case" against her spouse. Unfortunately it will take only a spark to ignite the forest fire of her anger as it constantly smolders just beneath the surface. One spark and she will light into her husband like he's never seen before! 


This woman has fooled herself. She forgets that Jesus said, "You have heard that the ancients were told, 'YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT MURDER' and 'Whoever commits murder shall be liable to the court.' But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court." What He was saying is that if you harbor anger in your heart against someone, it is as if you are committing murder against that person. You see, Jesus's standards are higher than ours. If you fail inwardly, you ultimately fail outwardly, too.


Since what's in the heart manifests itself in some way (Matthew 15:19), you can usually spot these kind of wives. They're the ones to give their husbands the "cold shoulder" or the "silent treatment." They love to punish their husbands in various ways; oftentimes even denying him of sexual intimacy while he's left to figure out why he's in the doghouse.

Now let's consider the second way a wife may demonstrate a quiet spirit. Just like the first wife, this wise lady also keeps her husband's faults to herself. That is where the similarity ends, however. Inwardly these two women are polar opposites. You see, the second wife considers that she is married to a sinner. As Christian missionary and author Elisabeth Elliot used to say - the only kind of man to marry! She accepts that and has realistic expectations of her husband. Furthermore, wife #2 humbly realizes that she, too, is a sinner - in need of grace. Her hearts speaks thus:  Aha! Grace! That's it! As I have received grace so must I give it. 

Look with me if you will at Romans 15:7, "Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God." Note that there is nothing in this verse about us deserving His acceptance. In fact, in another well-known verse from Romans we read that "while we were YET sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) And please also observe from 15:7 that Jesus's acceptance of us brought glory to God. All of this brings me to the most important point: The second wife knows that her gentle, quiet, accepting attitude will bring honor and glory to her Savior's name as she walks in obedience to this command. 

That, I guess, brings us full circle. It brings us to the next practical section I want to share with you. In it we will explore two questions that we should be asking ourselves:

What Can I Do to Show Acceptance? What Difference Will It Make?

Let's say that up until this point you've been like wife #1: You've been complaining about your husband; telling him how he ought to change. You've struggled with his faults and find them difficult to accept. What can you do? 

Here are three suggestions I have for you with an explanation of each:

1. Change Yourself: Okay, simple enough. You can't change your husband but you can change yourself:

• You can change the way you think about your husband and your situation. You CAN learn to see things in a different light. When tempted to think evil of your husband you must remember what the Apostle admonishes us in 2 Corinthians 10:5, "We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." So take those angry, accusing thoughts captive! "Put off" wrong thinking; but then don't forget to immediately "put on" (replace it with) right thinking (more about this in point #2). Your outward behavior will undoubtedly change as your heart does. This, in turn, may be all it takes to change your marriage!
• You can humble yourself. This is what our Savior did for us. "He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." (Philippians 2:8) It is God's heart that we seek to be like Jesus on this earth. Marriage is the perfect environment for that to happen. It challenges and matures us. The first step, then, and key to all other marriage advice I'm going to share, is to put on humility and accept your husband. This means that if you and I are wise we will heed Jesus's command, "...First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:5) You see, there is NO ROOM for self-righteousness between a husband and wife. It will kill the marriage. As Helen Andelin said, "Only with a spirit of humility can we build a successful relationship with another person."

2. Choose to look to "his better side." Even though the phrase "his better side" comes from the book Fascinating Womanhood, it was the Apostle Paul, of course, who first had this insight directly from the Lord. He said, "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." (Philippians 4:8, my emphasis) Notice how he said that we are to think of the things that are "worthy of praise?" By this I think he meant we are to look to others' (in this case our husband's) better side!

A great way to start is by first realizing that there are some things about your husband that may never change. However, dear sister, guess what?! There are things he has to accept about you, as well! Things that may never change. I certainly know that my husband has things that annoy him about me! It's just a fact of life. And hard as it is, we also have to put up with one another's sins and weaknesses. Unless it's one of the specific situations I mentioned above or in Does Your Husband Need to Change? where other action is necessary, I strongly urge you to pray for your husband, but DON"T preach! Cast all your cares on the Lord but don't attempt to be your husband's "holy spirit." That is God's job - not ours.

Second, another practical step you may take is to do a study of Bible characters who experienced difficult circumstances. Perhaps even difficult marriages. (Abigail comes to mind. Her story can be found in 1 Samuel 25.) Take note of the Bible characters' responses to their situations. What right responses did they demonstrate? Some people in the Bible chose to see their circumstances in a better light (not unlike my encouragement to you to look to your husband's better side). 


Then look at the wrong responses they displayed. What were the results of each type of response? Write them all down in a journal and ask the Lord what He wants you to learn from them.

Now I ask you to go back and think through your husband's faults that you must accept. Yes, I am encouraging you to do this - go ahead! Take it even further and actually write down each one in a permanent place such as the journal I mentioned above, or a notebook. List every single thing you can think of. It may take some time but please be thorough. In my case, one of the things I thought about is how I viewed my husband as a bit cheap. (Even his own family thinks that!) So down it went on my list! 


Now, be sure to add to your list from time to time as any new flaws, annoying habits, or quirks come to mind. However, here's what I want you to do each time you do add something: Either by using a different-colored ink, or mentally imagining yourself, write the word "ACCEPTED" over each one. I personally think the act of physically doing this is a far better reminder than imagining and so that's what I've done. If you are one of those ladies who enjoys stamping you may even like to use individual letter stamps to stamp "ACCEPTED" right over the top of each fault.

Furthermore, while you're learning to accept your husband as he is, also be sure to write down his good qualities. This is his "better side" that I've been talking about. If you choose (remember - how you think is a CHOICE) to consistently look past his faults and look to his virtues instead, you will be amazed at how your attitude improves and feelings of love and respect are rekindled. Remember again Paul's command from Philippians 4: "If anything worthy of praise, DWELL ON (THIS) THING!"


Finally, the last thing I'm going to mention that will train and enable you to look to your husband's better side is to look beneath his faults for underlying virtues. For example, a minute ago I mentioned how I had considered Aaron to be a cheapskate. In retraining my mind - Paul called this process becoming "renewed in the spirit of our minds" (Ephesians 4:23) - I decided I could look at things differently. I became aware of the "virtue" beneath the fault. That is, my husband is an excellent manager of our income and resources. He has done very well with the money God has given us and thus we have a comfortable home that is nearly paid for, and a sizable retirement savings. He is not cheap, but rather frugal and careful. Today I look at my husband in a new light and with a fresh perspective. In fact, I smile when I consider how he is taking such good care of our family! In my next post, where I will discuss admiration, I will explain this entire concept a little further.

3. Let God do the changing. While I briefly referred to this above, I want to add to it here. For starters, if we're honest we wives know that we can't change our husbands. Changing him, though, was never meant to be a part of our wifely "job description." Instead we should be asking: If changing my husband is not my job, then what is?!

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. 1 Peter 3:1-2

Do you see? I know I say this a lot! But your respectful behavior (acceptance being the first and foremost trait) will move your husband toward the Lord - and toward you!! If you feel your husband neglects you for sports or some other hobby, doesn't listen to you, leaves all the child-training to you, continually is inconsiderate - or what ever it is - you can still display unconditional respect toward him. Remember, "unconditional" means that it isn't necessarily "earned;" but is given because you understand and apply God's Word! 


Your respect is beautiful and dignified. It results from having a humble and submissive spirit which you have been cultivating as you focus on changing yourself. Your respect is also very convicting to your man. Consider these remarkable words by Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs, authors of Love and Respect: 


"We firmly believe every husband is convicted by a wife's unconditional respect. This is God's revelation to Peter (1 Peter 3:1-2) and God will honor His own instruction. Those husbands who have sinned against their wives, God will convict... A wife who follows Jesus must take this by faith. As she does the respecting, God does the shaming. Only the believing wife will trust in this. The Christ-follower will believe in the convicting power of God's Spirit (John 16:8)."


So going back to our second question above, "What difference will it (acceptance) make?" I hope the answer is becoming increasingly clear. Acceptance, the first and foremost virtue needed by a wife to truly show respect to her husband, will reap rewards. Your husband will feel free to be himself but encouraged by your respect to become a better man.


In closing I wish to quote a testimonial from Fascinating Womanhood with regards to acceptance:


"I have a wonderful husband but he has some habits I disapproved of, especially his use of tobacco. I always insisted he go into the cellar to smoke even though I accepted this habit in him when we were married. After learning the principle of acceptance, I realized how awful I had been. When he came home that night I confessed my feelings, asking forgiveness for the terrible way I had treated him, and told him that I accepted him as he is. My husband was so tenderly touched that he cried. Later that evening he told me that he loved me for the first time in two years and he slept with his arm around me all night."


I hope you were encouraged by what this lady said! It's exciting to think about the possibilities sisters! Besides the benefits to our husbands, acceptance will reward us, and indirectly, our children as well. God will be glorified in our homes.


I am anxious to put this post up and am going to do so now without a lot of "proof-reading" first. Please excuse any careless or silly mistakes! I'll be back over the weekend to tweak it some, but in the meantime you may find some errors. It's just that I feel an urgency to publish this now for some reason.


Your comments, as always, are welcome. I apologize to Karin whose lovely comment earlier this week was accidentally deleted by yours truly!


Please go in peace my friends!

Does Your Husband Need to Change? Wives, God is More Able Than You!

Okay, so maybe I'm stepping on some toes with the title of this post! Sorry, but I've got to be honest - some of us are trying to change our husbands and shouldn't be. How do I know this? Because I've been guilty of it, too! So let me ask a blunt question. How's that working out for you? Does your husband respond well to your criticism or complaints? How about your "helpful suggestions" or "loving correction?" If I had to guess I would bet that he responds like mine - not too well! 


Since I'm assuming that most of my audience are Christians, I'll begin with a couple verses that might be commonly used as objections to a wife "keeping quiet." The first one I'm thinking of is the verse that says we are to "speak the truth in love..." (Ephesians 4:15). Many have quoted this verse to support the idea of mutual accountability. Others go further by adding Ephesians 5:21, "And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ." I hope to show you, however, that a closer look at these verses puts them both into context for us.


First, in Ephesians 4, we see from the passage surrounding verse 15 that Paul is speaking of the church attaining to "the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man," etc. He is desiring that the teaching of true doctrine continue so that these things will happen and believers will not be "tossed here and there by waves." 


In verses 11-12 Paul tells us whom was to carry out this teaching and the desired result of such teaching - that each member of the body become equipped for service and also able, as we've read in verse 15, to "speak the truth" (sound doctrine) with one another: "And He gave some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ." (Ephesians 4:11-12) 


Paul meant for these men of God, called to serve in the various offices of the church, to exercise the gift of teaching the truth so that the congregation would be enabled to encourage one another in these truths. The leaders' teaching was to be repeated among all believers so that none would become as children -tossed around, believing every new wind of doctrine and being led astray. "As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming." (Verse 14)


It must be concluded that nowhere in this passage do we see any connection to, or encouragement of, wives admonishing husbands. We must be careful not to add that in! Please don't read into this passage what would be entirely contrary to Scripture that so clearly tells us of the quiet attitude that God intends us wives to have. (See 1 Peter 3:1-4) Therefore, let me be emphatic: Ephesians 4:15 does not give any one of us license to hold our husband to account, keep him in line, or straighten him out!


Secondly, we have Ephesians 5:21. At first glance this verse looks like what many women hope for - a way of "equalizing" things a bit. Again, let's look at it in context. In this passage, beginning with verse 15, Paul tells us how believers are to encourage one another. In verse 21 he ends it summarily by saying that we are to submit to one another. However, he doesn't leave it to chance that we would misunderstand him. He wants us to understand the order of things. In the very next breath, by way of explanation, he tells us what that submission is to look like: 

"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself." (Ephesians 5:22-28)

Do you see? Your submission, dear wife, and your husband's "submission" are lived out in different ways. Both are distinct and important in building each other up.

Now that we hopefully have cleared that up, let's move on to what trying to change your husband will do - and, in the next post (hopefully soon), what you can do instead!

Wanting Him to Change Equals Discontent

Here's the point I want to make from the outset: Your attempts at changing your husband equals discontent. I don't care how you or I try to justify this, it just does! It doesn't matter that you think you're trying to "help him;" or whether you actually know that you just want him to different - both are manifestations of a discontent spirit.

So what does this mean for us when we find ourselves in this boat? What does it do? I want to look at that now; for I believe the result is that it hurts our two most important relationships:

1) With God - The discontent we demonstrate by trying to get our husbands to change is actually evidence of a deeper problem. That problem is unbelief. And so we must ask - what warning does the Scripture give concerning this? For the answer let's look at Hebrews 3:12, "Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God."

About this verse Barnes' Notes on the Bible says: "The word 'unbelief' is used to qualify the word 'heart,' by a Hebraism - a mode of speech that is common in the New Testament. An unbelieving heart was the cause of their (the Israelites') apostasy, and what worked their ruin will produce ours. The root of their evil was 'a want of confidence in God' - and this is what is meant here by a heart of unbelief. The great difficulty on earth everywhere is a 'want of confidence in God' - and this has produced all the ills that man has ever suffered. It led to the first apostasy; and it has led to every other apostasy - and will continue to produce the same effects to the end of the world."

So you see, the discontent you or I feel toward our husband, and the subsequent desire for  "helping" them to change, really stems from what Albert Barnes here referred to as "a want of confidence in God." When we step into the place of correcting, admonishing, or more subtly, of dropping hints, we have moved from entrusting our husband to God - to trusting in ourselves. In the former we (rightfully) give the care of our husband over to God; in the latter we rely on ourselves to look after him. 


And, it must be added, if we do end up doing the latter, we will inevitably begin the process of what the writer of Hebrews warned us about. If you don't remember, look back at the verse above to see what he said about unbelief. Do you see it? It will lead us to "fall away." Those are strong words, my friends! Now, I don't think any of us who call ourselves Christians really intend to do this. We don't mean to be controlling and trusting in ourselves; we don't mean to be unbelieving and endangering of our spiritual lives. Unfortunately, however, that is exactly the risk we take when we operate outside God's "guidelines" for the behavior of wives. Slowly, sometimes imperceptibly, through the subtleness of this sin, we harden our hearts through unbelief.


Of course the end result of this is that it will greatly hurt our relationship with the Lord. And do you know what He will do in relation to this? Look with me at another verse from Hebrews: "For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” (Hebrews 12:6) So, my friend, I beg you to save yourself much pain and grief - please reconsider your course if you find yourself doing any of the following:


1. Telling your husband how he ought to change
2. Pointing out his faults (I will share a better way to deal with this in the next post.)
3. Belittling him and/or his opinions
4. Manipulating situations meant for his "instruction." Things such as bringing home movies with a message you think he needs to hear; arranging beforehand for a person to bring up a certain subject in your husband's presence; or leaving books, pamphlets, or articles opened up where your husband will see and (hopefully) read them. (Okay - guilty here!!)
5. Questioning "why" he does things with the implication that his choice is wrong
6. Pressuring him to do things your way


There are countless other ways you and I try to change our husbands but, again, all these things will surely lead us away from God. Instead they will increasingly move us toward further unbelief and ultimately toward idolatry of ourselves as we attempt to sit on the throne - the throne meant for God alone! Dear sister - if you find yourself in this place today - again I implore you to quickly repent and trust God instead.


2) With Your Husband - Your marriage over time will suffer as you try to change your husband. In fact, I'm not trying to scare you but quite a few women I've talked to whose husbands have had affairs said that, before the affair happened, they always felt like their husband needed to change or "shape up." Now, when a wife is feeling that way it's very hard not to act on it for what we think in our hearts becomes known in our words and actions. Jesus said it this way: "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." (Matthew 12:34) So you see, if we continually entertain thoughts about our husband's need to change, of his "deficiencies," we will end up waging a war of words against him...I know because I, too, was one of those wives. 


Most important in your relationship with your husband is how he will interpret your discontent with him. Two ways come to mind: 


1) He will feel that you disdain him. This feeling will be strong if you are very persistent in your efforts at changing him. He may become tempted to "look elsewhere" for reassurances. This is why the Bible tells us that the adulteress woman is a flatterer. She knows the need of man to have someone admire him and at least appear to respect him. 


2) He will perceive your discontent as disrespect. To a man this is HUGE! In the book For Women Only - What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by author Shaunti Feldhahn, she tells of the survey (and extensive interviews) she conducted of hundreds of men. One question on the survey was eye-opening to her. It read, "Think about what these two negative experiences would be like: to feel alone and unloved in the world OR to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone. If you were forced to choose one, which would you prefer?" Overwhelmingly - three out of four men (74%) - said they would choose "alone and unloved;" while just 26% said "inadequate and disrespected." 


You see then, respect is as essential to a man as love is to a woman. Respect is simply not to be overlooked by God-fearing wives! The subject of respect, in fact, is the very reason I am writing these posts. I want to help wives understand what respecting their husbands "looks like" and how to live that out (see the poll on the sidebar for a glimpse of how many readers here feel they need insight into this). I truly believe these teachings will help build marriages and make happier and more contented wives, too.


Additionally, we should consider how your husband may respond to feeling your disdain and disrespect. We've already briefly looked at one possibility. Of course, not every husband who feels disrespected is going to choose adultery; but still, you may be sure that he will respond in some way. More often than not he will begin to build a wall which Helen Andelin in Fascinating Womanhood calls "his reserve."


Basically, a man's wall of reserve is his attempt to protect himself from the pain of humiliation. He may appear to his wife to be closed up, unwilling to talk, or just plain distant. Additionally, a husband may respond by having cooled feelings toward his wife. When she openly suggests he needs to improve he may reject her altogether. Obviously, any of these responses are hurtful and harmful to both partners in the marriage. 


Let me conclude, therefore, with a confession. I certainly have my own struggle in this area. It's not so much that I think negatively about my husband (like I used to do); rather it's that I read, see, or hear things that I feel sure would "help" him! (Just a little bit of pride here!) I recently told a friend that it's not God's strength to do something that I'm praying for; it's His strength to not do something that I need - namely, to keep from saying things! 


If you can believe it, just now as I was sitting here writing this post, my dear husband called and told me that he isn't going somewhere tonight I really hoped he would. I thought it would be spiritually encouraging to him. So, guess what I did? I reminded myself that I'm a new "me" and sweetly replied, "Whatever you want to do, honey."  Now, was that easy? NO! I wanted to tell him that I thought he should go. But I know that would have only brought discord. Totally not worth it!


So friend, if you've stuck with me this far and you're finding that you need (like me) to guard yourself against this common tendency in wives of pressuring their husbands to change, I ask you to stay tuned in to this blog. Next time I'll help you to discover godly ways that will encourage your husband to change. All without you ever saying a word of disrespect - or stepping outside your God-given role as helpmate!


If I can be of any assistance to you at all, or if you need to speak with me privately, please feel free to contact me by email at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. May all of you go in peace this week!

The Wise Woman Builds Her House

"The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands." Proverbs 14:1

Do you want a great marriage? I'm sure most of us would answer 'yes' in a heartbeat. As a wife, do you know what the best thing you can do to help insure that is? If you guessed "respect my husband," you're absolutely right!

Like most young girls who grew up in a non-Christian home since the 1960s, I was basically taught that women were equal to men in all respects. Women were also invincible. They had been mistreated by sexist men for far too long; the time had come for them to "roar". (If you don't know what I mean, the phrase "Hear me roar!" comes from the 1972 popular hit song "I Am Woman" by Helen Reddy. For a sadly enlightening look into our feminist culture, just Google those words sometime and look at the various comments ladies leave on websites that come up. I just did and it was eye-opening to see how entrenched in our society this way of thinking really is.)

In particular, one website tells women, "Inside every woman is a goddess waiting to shine." Yikes! If you've been reading my blog for very long I probably don't need to tell you that this kind of thinking is totally contrary to mine. Without a doubt, this worldly, self-aggrandizing philosophy is responsible for more broken marriages, and more destroyed families, than perhaps any other in the twentieth century. If you don't believe me, just research the statistics from the beginning of the feminist movement until now. Very sad indeed! Most important, however, this wisdom of the world is in direct opposition to the Bible. So then, what does Scripture tell us about who we, as women, should be? One answer may be found in Proverbs 31: "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised." (Proverbs 31:30)

Standing in sharp contrast to today's roaring women were the God-fearing, holy women of old, honored in 1 Peter 3, who were concerned with putting on "the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit." (Verse 4)  Reading this chapter I've noted that these women weren't challenging their husbands, but rather were respectful to them; Sarah even calling Abraham "lord." So then, from this passage, as well as Ephesians 5:33, we know with certainty that it's God's will that we respect our husbands.

So quickly, here's some thoughts on this. God made marriage. He knows what it takes to make it heavenly and blissful. His Word tells us that as wives we can help do this by being respectful. It's simple: while we feel on top of the world when our husbands love us, they feel the same when we show them respect. When both spouses fulfill these needs it makes for a beautiful marriage relationship that is every bit the earthly representation of Christ and His bride, the church.

Now, while showing respect is so much more than the way you act during conflict, just imagine with me for a moment the last disagreement you and your spouse had. Consider Proverbs 14:1, which I quoted at the beginning of this post, and try to paint a picture of your words, actions, and attitudes at that time. Would you describe it more like Nehemiah's rebuilding of Jerusalem's walls, meant to keep its inhabitants safe and secure from the enemy - or, would it be like the prediction Jesus made of the siege of Jerusalem, where "Not one stone here will be left upon another, which will not be torn down?" (Matthew 24:2) Truthfully, one day while I was jogging and meditating on the Proverbs verse above, this analogy came to mind and I was overwhelmed by it! I definitely don't want to be a woman who tears down her house with disrespectful words and actions - and in the process destroys the peace and safety of all within! Instead I would be like the wise woman who builds her house - who builds her "walls" if you will.

I'm telling you the truth - the single most important thing you and I can do for our marriages is to find out what respect is and do it. Start by reading the Bible first. A great help to me was to read Ephesians 5:33 in the Amplified Bible because it expounded the meaning of the word "respect" for me. It says, "And let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]. Now there's some meat to chew on! Look up the definition for every one of those words or phrases, write them out, and pray for wisdom in how to put them into practice in your marriage. When you sense God showing you what to do, write that down as well. If you do this, you'll have enough to keep you busy for awhile! After that, I recommend reading Biblically-sound books such as "Created to Be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl, "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace, and "Love and Respect" by Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs.

I will close by telling you about a friend, who was in the Bible study I led this past year. We had been going through Debi Pearl's book (above) when we stopped meeting for the summer. Wanting to get started again, I called her this morning. I asked her if she was still interested in continuing with the book. She replied with resounding enthusiasm, "Oh yes! I can't wait! I read ahead in the book and applied what I learned. This respect stuff really works! It's transformed my marriage." Praise the Lord! Like countless other women who've wanted to have a great marriage, she's learned the "secret." Won't you join in too?

This was a little time-out from the series I've been doing on what I learned through my husband's affair. I felt it was a good time to share the message of respect because I began learning these principles simultaneously while fighting for my marriage. In my next post I will pick up again with more on forgiveness. May God richly bless you until then.

How We End Up Idolizing Our Husbands

"My soul clings to You;

Your right hand upholds me."

Psalm 63:8

I mentioned something in my last post that I think is worth adding to a bit. I had written about four ways the Lord showed me to exercise quietness with regards to developing and demonstrating a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4). In particular I want to hit on that last one - "Keep quiet about the past." I told you how sometimes our compliments can be interpreted by our husband in a completely different way - especially if the marriage is recovering from infidelity. However, besides what I talked about last time, there is yet another aspect to our attempts at admiration, and their unintended effects, that I want to cover in this post.

When I first started reading books like "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs and "Created to be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl, I thought that the more praise I verbally laid on my husband the better. At one point, though, my husband started responding by saying that I sounded insecure. I couldn't understand this until I sought God and His word. Then I was able to realize what was in my heart and that, as a result of this, I was coming across as clingy to him.

As wives, we have the ability to tremendously bless our husbands with respect, appreciation, and admiration. But when our admiration is excessive, and they sense that they really don't measure up to it, we can send the message that we need them to be whatever it is we're praising them for. We become clingy. An example of this is when I was telling Aaron (often, but in various ways) that he was becoming a godly man and I was proud of him. Nothing wrong with that, right? That's what I thought until, in the process of seeking the Lord, He showed me that I was needing my husband to be godly. I was placing something (or someone) before my need for the Lord.

In her excellent book, "Idols of the Heart: Learning to Long for God Alone" by Elyse Fitzpatrick, she relates this: "What must I have for life to be meaningful or happy? If I answer that question with anything other than God Himself, then that's what functions as a god for me." So had I taken my eyes off the Lord and onto my husband to the point where I had crossed over into idolatry? I believe that is exactly what had happened! Without fully realizing it, I felt I must have a godly husband for my life to be meaningful.

During last summer, when our marriage was breaking apart, it was easy to keep my focus on God. I say "easy" because all I had left was Him, and so I held on to Him for all I was worth. Prayer literally became my lifeline; Scripture my food and drink. I recited Psalm 63:8 (above) over and over in desperate moments throughout those dark days. So look with me then, if you will, a little closer at Psalm 63.

Psalm 63 is a psalm of praise. In verse 5 David says, "...My mouth offers praises with joyful lips." Reading on, in verse 7 he gives God the glory for being his help. Finally, in verse 8 David cries out that his soul clings to (God), and he then praises (appreciates, admires) Him for upholding him with His right hand. Do you see the pattern? Praising and clinging. They naturally go together. That's because in his praising, David was simultaneously expressing his need for God.  He needed and clung to no other. In the same way, our praising and clinging should also be for Him, and Him alone. 


To be clear - it is good for us as wives to praise and compliment our husbands - but we should never allow it to also become clinginess. We do not place our lives, our hope, or our security in our husbands - to do so would be idolatry. Therefore, we need to be on guard that this doesn't happen unconsciously as it did to me.

Now, here's the really interesting part. As I said before, despite our good intentions, if our compliments are too often, not timely and appropriate, many times our husbands will feel like we need them to be something. If that happens, they may come to believe that we really don't like them for who they are. In the "maleness" of their mind, the need to be something begins to translate into the need to do or fix something about themselves.

So if they're being hammered with a particular compliment or praise, it's quite possible for them to become irritated because of a sense of underlying pressure. In either scenario, at the very root of the issue would be the feeling that their wife disrespects them. Truth be told, I feel that I caused this to happen in my own marriage a great deal in the past. Unfortunately, when we wives are guilty of this it is the exact opposite of what we are commanded in Scripture to do toward our husbands:

"And the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:33

The best way I can help you understand this is to illustrate it. So let's say you're a seamstress. Someone comes to your home while you're working and throws a jacket with a big rip in it down on your sewing table. With a shrug and a smile they say, "You're such a great seamstress."  At first you're flattered and so you set to work. Five days later, with each day bringing more of the same, you start to feel disrespected. Never once have they actually directly asked you to do something, but the pressure is there just as if they had. 


Now, when you see this person and they only mention that they think you're a great seamstress, you would rightly feel like they might be looking for you to fix something for them. Now, maybe this is not the best analogy, but I hope it helps a little. Men think differently than we do. Their minds go to how to fix things, people, and situations. When we compliment too often, do we appear to be hinting that they need to do this? If we really allow God to search our hearts, do we find our "admiration" to be just another subtle form of manipulation? Ouch! I know this one hurts because I've been there!

My suggestion - and this is what I've been learning in my own experience - is to compliment your husband when it's appropriate to the situation. For example, if Aaron just played with our daughter and made her feel special, I tell him what a great dad he is. I acknowledge what he did, rather than complimenting him out of the blue and making him feel like I want him to do something. If your husband is like mine, he will really love being acknowledged. Then, along with your appreciation for specific things, sprinkle in some sincere admiration - "Those new pants look great on you" - and he'll feel like a million bucks!

"Like apples of gold in settings of silver,
Is a word spoken in right circumstances."
Proverbs 25:11