Acceptance: The Golden Key to Respecting Our Husband

"So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another." Romans 14:19

In my blog post entitled Does Your Husband Need to Change? I explored the issue of trying to change our husbands. I explained how the root of it is discontentment. Additionally, if we're honest we'll find that discontentment is oftentimes accompanied by an unconscious feeling that we deserve better. 

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I also talked about the various ways we attempt to change our husband. I showed you how all these things damage our relationships - not just with our husband, but with God as well. It puts a "sin wedge" between us and God; and it puts up walls between us and our spouse.


Now, the good news is that we, as wives, are not powerless, nor is our situation hopeless. Indeed we have been given the sure promise of God that we have incredible influence over our husband when our heart's desire is to trust Him, and Him alone. This, of course, comes from my favorite "go to" passage for wives: 1 Peter 3. I even sometimes think that this blog has become my own commentary on 1 Peter 3! I love it because it's loaded with wisdom for the challenges we face as women today.


There is much we can do to encourage our husband to want to become a better man - all without the usual strong-armed tactics on our part. But before we get to that, however, I think we should talk about behavior a husband may display that truly should be considered unacceptable. These are much more than "idiosyncrasies," quirks, annoying habits, or even hurtful things your husband may do as a defensive measure. Rather, unacceptable behavior includes things which fall into two main categories: adultery and abuse. Such things should not be tolerated and must be dealt with differently than those ordinary things wives complain about. 


Much has been written on the subject of abuse by people far more knowledgeable than me, so I will not cover that at length here. Instead, if you believe you are in an abusive relationship which would include physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, I would like to refer you to an excellent ministry called Hope for the Heart. By clicking the link to their website I believe you will find tons of Biblical resources to help you deal with your situation.


If, on the other hand, you are facing the challenge and heartbreak of adultery, I encourage you to browse this website for past posts on this subject, including the story of my own marriage. A good place to start is with the post entitled What I've Learned Through My Husband's Affair. From there you may continue through the posts to the present for help on issues such as: finding out about the affair, hurt, trusting God, re-establishing trust in a marriage touched by adultery, forgiveness, and marriage restoration. Please also feel free to contact me personally if you'd like at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. 


And finally, if you are in a marriage where your spouse has left you for another woman, or won't give up his affair partner, please click the link for Rejoice Marriage Ministries in the sidebar to check out their website. I truly believe God led me to that particular ministry during my husband's affair as a means of saving our marriage. I'm sure that you, too, will be very encouraged by their testimony and the resources they have available.

Acceptance - What is it?

First, if your marriage has suffered a lack of acceptance it will come as refreshing as a long, cool drink in a desert when reintroduced. Therefore, please allow me to attempt a definition of acceptance (as it applies to the marriage relationship). I believe it is this: Acceptance is relinquishing control; it is giving your husband freedom to be himself. 

Do you remember when the two of you met? No doubt your husband was your knight-in-shining-armor. He could do no wrong. Not literally, of course. But you were quick to overlook his faults and to look to his better qualities instead. You accepted him.

If you had tried to change your husband when you were courting you probably would never have gotten married. No man wants to marry a "nag." But you didn't nag or harass him. Unconsciously you did what every man wants. You accepted him - faults and all - and he stepped up by aspiring to be the man of your dreams. If I sound a little pollyanna, please forgive me. I certainly realize that life is not a fairy tale but I also encourage you to consider that what I'm saying is more often than not a part of the dynamics of a premarital relationship.

Then the vows are exchanged, the honeymoon over, and reality sets in. Suddenly you realize that your husband isn't so perfect. The weaknesses and faults you had turned a blind eye to (or thought you could live with) have become unbearable, blatant FLAWS! This is when problems usually begin to arise within a marriage. 


In my own it took place within the first year. For some reason my husband's singing started to grate on my nerves. (And he liked to sing a lot!) Unfortunately, I was neither wise nor mature enough at that time to simply laugh it off or overlook it. Instead I made sure he knew that I found his singing annoying! Of course I cringe now as I think back on it. It's sad that I ruined the peace and contentment within our home over something so ridiculous! Furthermore, my behavior began a tragic pattern of criticizing my husband that would encompass nearly every area of his manhood and last for years to come. I was like the foolish woman of Proverbs 14:1. "The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands."


On the other hand, some wives, usually those who have had a good example in their mother or sound spiritual training concerning this, will keep quiet about their husband's faults. 

But it must be pointed out that this generally goes two ways: The first wife, while outwardly keeping quiet and trying not to complain much (she has some self-control), inwardly is seething. In her heart she grows increasingly angry as she builds her "case" against her spouse. Unfortunately it will take only a spark to ignite the forest fire of her anger as it constantly smolders just beneath the surface. One spark and she will light into her husband like he's never seen before! 


This woman has fooled herself. She forgets that Jesus said, "You have heard that the ancients were told, 'YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT MURDER' and 'Whoever commits murder shall be liable to the court.' But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court." What He was saying is that if you harbor anger in your heart against someone, it is as if you are committing murder against that person. You see, Jesus's standards are higher than ours. If you fail inwardly, you ultimately fail outwardly, too.


Since what's in the heart manifests itself in some way (Matthew 15:19), you can usually spot these kind of wives. They're the ones to give their husbands the "cold shoulder" or the "silent treatment." They love to punish their husbands in various ways; oftentimes even denying him of sexual intimacy while he's left to figure out why he's in the doghouse.

Now let's consider the second way a wife may demonstrate a quiet spirit. Just like the first wife, this wise lady also keeps her husband's faults to herself. That is where the similarity ends, however. Inwardly these two women are polar opposites. You see, the second wife considers that she is married to a sinner. As Christian missionary and author Elisabeth Elliot used to say - the only kind of man to marry! She accepts that and has realistic expectations of her husband. Furthermore, wife #2 humbly realizes that she, too, is a sinner - in need of grace. Her hearts speaks thus:  Aha! Grace! That's it! As I have received grace so must I give it. 

Look with me if you will at Romans 15:7, "Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God." Note that there is nothing in this verse about us deserving His acceptance. In fact, in another well-known verse from Romans we read that "while we were YET sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) And please also observe from 15:7 that Jesus's acceptance of us brought glory to God. All of this brings me to the most important point: The second wife knows that her gentle, quiet, accepting attitude will bring honor and glory to her Savior's name as she walks in obedience to this command. 

That, I guess, brings us full circle. It brings us to the next practical section I want to share with you. In it we will explore two questions that we should be asking ourselves:

What Can I Do to Show Acceptance? What Difference Will It Make?

Let's say that up until this point you've been like wife #1: You've been complaining about your husband; telling him how he ought to change. You've struggled with his faults and find them difficult to accept. What can you do? 

Here are three suggestions I have for you with an explanation of each:

1. Change Yourself: Okay, simple enough. You can't change your husband but you can change yourself:

• You can change the way you think about your husband and your situation. You CAN learn to see things in a different light. When tempted to think evil of your husband you must remember what the Apostle admonishes us in 2 Corinthians 10:5, "We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." So take those angry, accusing thoughts captive! "Put off" wrong thinking; but then don't forget to immediately "put on" (replace it with) right thinking (more about this in point #2). Your outward behavior will undoubtedly change as your heart does. This, in turn, may be all it takes to change your marriage!
• You can humble yourself. This is what our Savior did for us. "He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." (Philippians 2:8) It is God's heart that we seek to be like Jesus on this earth. Marriage is the perfect environment for that to happen. It challenges and matures us. The first step, then, and key to all other marriage advice I'm going to share, is to put on humility and accept your husband. This means that if you and I are wise we will heed Jesus's command, "...First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:5) You see, there is NO ROOM for self-righteousness between a husband and wife. It will kill the marriage. As Helen Andelin said, "Only with a spirit of humility can we build a successful relationship with another person."

2. Choose to look to "his better side." Even though the phrase "his better side" comes from the book Fascinating Womanhood, it was the Apostle Paul, of course, who first had this insight directly from the Lord. He said, "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." (Philippians 4:8, my emphasis) Notice how he said that we are to think of the things that are "worthy of praise?" By this I think he meant we are to look to others' (in this case our husband's) better side!

A great way to start is by first realizing that there are some things about your husband that may never change. However, dear sister, guess what?! There are things he has to accept about you, as well! Things that may never change. I certainly know that my husband has things that annoy him about me! It's just a fact of life. And hard as it is, we also have to put up with one another's sins and weaknesses. Unless it's one of the specific situations I mentioned above or in Does Your Husband Need to Change? where other action is necessary, I strongly urge you to pray for your husband, but DON"T preach! Cast all your cares on the Lord but don't attempt to be your husband's "holy spirit." That is God's job - not ours.

Second, another practical step you may take is to do a study of Bible characters who experienced difficult circumstances. Perhaps even difficult marriages. (Abigail comes to mind. Her story can be found in 1 Samuel 25.) Take note of the Bible characters' responses to their situations. What right responses did they demonstrate? Some people in the Bible chose to see their circumstances in a better light (not unlike my encouragement to you to look to your husband's better side). 


Then look at the wrong responses they displayed. What were the results of each type of response? Write them all down in a journal and ask the Lord what He wants you to learn from them.

Now I ask you to go back and think through your husband's faults that you must accept. Yes, I am encouraging you to do this - go ahead! Take it even further and actually write down each one in a permanent place such as the journal I mentioned above, or a notebook. List every single thing you can think of. It may take some time but please be thorough. In my case, one of the things I thought about is how I viewed my husband as a bit cheap. (Even his own family thinks that!) So down it went on my list! 


Now, be sure to add to your list from time to time as any new flaws, annoying habits, or quirks come to mind. However, here's what I want you to do each time you do add something: Either by using a different-colored ink, or mentally imagining yourself, write the word "ACCEPTED" over each one. I personally think the act of physically doing this is a far better reminder than imagining and so that's what I've done. If you are one of those ladies who enjoys stamping you may even like to use individual letter stamps to stamp "ACCEPTED" right over the top of each fault.

Furthermore, while you're learning to accept your husband as he is, also be sure to write down his good qualities. This is his "better side" that I've been talking about. If you choose (remember - how you think is a CHOICE) to consistently look past his faults and look to his virtues instead, you will be amazed at how your attitude improves and feelings of love and respect are rekindled. Remember again Paul's command from Philippians 4: "If anything worthy of praise, DWELL ON (THIS) THING!"


Finally, the last thing I'm going to mention that will train and enable you to look to your husband's better side is to look beneath his faults for underlying virtues. For example, a minute ago I mentioned how I had considered Aaron to be a cheapskate. In retraining my mind - Paul called this process becoming "renewed in the spirit of our minds" (Ephesians 4:23) - I decided I could look at things differently. I became aware of the "virtue" beneath the fault. That is, my husband is an excellent manager of our income and resources. He has done very well with the money God has given us and thus we have a comfortable home that is nearly paid for, and a sizable retirement savings. He is not cheap, but rather frugal and careful. Today I look at my husband in a new light and with a fresh perspective. In fact, I smile when I consider how he is taking such good care of our family! In my next post, where I will discuss admiration, I will explain this entire concept a little further.

3. Let God do the changing. While I briefly referred to this above, I want to add to it here. For starters, if we're honest we wives know that we can't change our husbands. Changing him, though, was never meant to be a part of our wifely "job description." Instead we should be asking: If changing my husband is not my job, then what is?!

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. 1 Peter 3:1-2

Do you see? I know I say this a lot! But your respectful behavior (acceptance being the first and foremost trait) will move your husband toward the Lord - and toward you!! If you feel your husband neglects you for sports or some other hobby, doesn't listen to you, leaves all the child-training to you, continually is inconsiderate - or what ever it is - you can still display unconditional respect toward him. Remember, "unconditional" means that it isn't necessarily "earned;" but is given because you understand and apply God's Word! 


Your respect is beautiful and dignified. It results from having a humble and submissive spirit which you have been cultivating as you focus on changing yourself. Your respect is also very convicting to your man. Consider these remarkable words by Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs, authors of Love and Respect: 


"We firmly believe every husband is convicted by a wife's unconditional respect. This is God's revelation to Peter (1 Peter 3:1-2) and God will honor His own instruction. Those husbands who have sinned against their wives, God will convict... A wife who follows Jesus must take this by faith. As she does the respecting, God does the shaming. Only the believing wife will trust in this. The Christ-follower will believe in the convicting power of God's Spirit (John 16:8)."


So going back to our second question above, "What difference will it (acceptance) make?" I hope the answer is becoming increasingly clear. Acceptance, the first and foremost virtue needed by a wife to truly show respect to her husband, will reap rewards. Your husband will feel free to be himself but encouraged by your respect to become a better man.


In closing I wish to quote a testimonial from Fascinating Womanhood with regards to acceptance:


"I have a wonderful husband but he has some habits I disapproved of, especially his use of tobacco. I always insisted he go into the cellar to smoke even though I accepted this habit in him when we were married. After learning the principle of acceptance, I realized how awful I had been. When he came home that night I confessed my feelings, asking forgiveness for the terrible way I had treated him, and told him that I accepted him as he is. My husband was so tenderly touched that he cried. Later that evening he told me that he loved me for the first time in two years and he slept with his arm around me all night."


I hope you were encouraged by what this lady said! It's exciting to think about the possibilities sisters! Besides the benefits to our husbands, acceptance will reward us, and indirectly, our children as well. God will be glorified in our homes.


I am anxious to put this post up and am going to do so now without a lot of "proof-reading" first. Please excuse any careless or silly mistakes! I'll be back over the weekend to tweak it some, but in the meantime you may find some errors. It's just that I feel an urgency to publish this now for some reason.


Your comments, as always, are welcome. I apologize to Karin whose lovely comment earlier this week was accidentally deleted by yours truly!


Please go in peace my friends!

What an Adulteress Knows (That Wives Need to Know)

Growing up did you ever get an 'F' on your report card? If you did, you probably remember the sting of humiliation that brought you. You received an 'F' because you failed that subject. While I never did get one of those dreaded grades, at least not on a report card, I have certainly failed at other things. 


For instance, I got a big, fat 'F' as a wife for the first 17 years of my marriage. You'd think I would have learned in that amount of time! Well, I didn't; but I'm a living testimony to the greatest teacher in the world today - our Lord Jesus Christ! When I finally sat at His feet and listened, He showed me how to be a good wife. But alas - I'm getting ahead of myself! First I'd like to tell you about the two things I failed to do and provide for my husband which eventually led us down the road to adultery. 

One Thing It's Not About

It is important, however, for me to stress something first so that we can hopefully eliminate at least one myth. A man who is unfaithful to his wife usually doesn't do so because the adulteress woman is drop-dead gorgeous. It's not as if he spots this beautiful woman whom his wife pales in comparison to, and so decides to pursue her. In fact, in many cases the opposite is true. Instead it's observed that the wife is actually more physically attractive than the mistress. While I want to be careful not to generalize too much, let me state that most of the time this comparison in looks is not a major factor in an unfaithful husband's thoughts or actions. My own husband told me that it didn't even cross his mind. As we'll see in a minute, it's not necessarily the adulteress's physical traits that attract a man, it's what she does and how she makes him feel.


Now, I don't want to beat a dead horse, but because they came to mind I'll give you a couple examples before we move on. So while I'm not really into following mainstream culture, I'm up on it enough to know that this phenomenon of the wife being more attractive than the mistress is common even in celebrity marriages. Two recent instances would be the affairs of Tiger Woods - whose wife is stunningly beautiful; and Jesse James, unfaithful to his wife, Sandra Bullock - who by comparison to her husband's mistresses, is a very classy lady indeed! 


So please, if your husband has been unfaithful and you're tempted to think it's because you're not as beautiful, remember these two examples. Just put that worry out of your mind! In fact, unless it was what society calls a "one-night stand," forget about physical attraction altogether. It truly is a small matter. I encourage you to soberly realize instead, dear sister, that adultery is usually much deeper than that. But there is an upside to that: We are born with our looks and other than losing weight or tweaking our appearance, we can only change so much. However, what we'll talk about in more detail later can absolutely transform us! It can affect every area of our hearts and life.


So let me start then by telling you that I've spent quite a bit of time studying who the adulteress woman is. I've looked at Scripture, as well as real-life, and noted some important things. In the last year I've had the chance to speak with different women whose husbands have been unfaithful, and I'm discovering that in each case their husbands' affair partner has a lot in common with the others. While this woman comes in every shape, size, color, and background, I think that we can draw some general conclusions about her. 


My purpose here in looking at these women is not so we may self-righteously exult ourselves. I've already admitted that I got an 'F' in Marriage 101. However, wouldn't you like to know why husbands can become attracted to them? If we could glean from this information, couldn't we also then help ourselves by first, learning from it, and second, applying what we've learned?

The Adulteress is a Failure, Too

Now, by the title of this section don't think for a moment that I mean she's a "loser." If you're in the beginning stages, or even in the midst of your spouse's adultery, it may be tempting to think of this woman in this light. Boy, don't I know it! I confess to you, dear sisters, that I had my share of unChrist-like thoughts toward the other woman for quite some time. However, as you experience the release of forgiveness, the desire to put her down will diminish along with a growing desire to see her through our Lord's eyes.

Perhaps you're wondering then what I mean by calling her a failure. Simply put, she's usually been around the block a few times, had her share of men, or however you want to say it - and it's not been pretty! While I stress again that to a degree I'm generalizing (but hopefully not stereotyping), there does seem to be this common thread among the "adversaries" of the wives I've talked to and have read about. This certainly was the case of the other woman in my marriage. Furthermore, it's not uncommon for adulteress women to be divorced, or in the process of going through a divorce. 


So then, enter your husband. He comes along and looks like a pretty stable guy. It could even be that she's known the two of you as a couple for some time and thinks it'd be pretty nice to have your life. In her mistaken notions, at least to some degree, she believes he's her knight in shining armor. She may or may not believe things would be different if she were with your husband, but she obviously is willing to give it a try. 


On the other hand, of course it's possible that none of the things I've mentioned are what motivate her. Having been hurt a number of times or presently in a painful relationship, she may just want to have the "pleasure" of ruining another person's good fortune. Sadly, this is just how some people think. A couple verses that demonstrate this are Proverbs 2:14, "(Those) Who delight in doing evil, And rejoice in the perversity of evil." And, "Doing wickedness is like sport to a fool." (Proverbs 10:23)  


However, the real bottom line is that whatever her motive (and there are literally millions possible) for going after a married guy, she's been a failure thus far. She would not have pursued your husband if this were not the case. Now, while it may seem like it, my intent here is not to thoroughly analyze the motives of an adulteress woman. I only wanted to briefly look at them so we could establish the fact that she has been a failure where long-term relationships are concerned. Building on that point then, we'll be able to see that while an overall failure, she actually does know something that you and I need to know. 


Before I get to her "secrets" though, I want to explain why I mentioned "long-term relationships" a moment ago. The reason is that because by contrast to her failure at lasting relationships, many adulteresses are expert at attracting men - at least for the short-term. I remember well having this very discussion with Aaron. It was early on in our marriage restoration when he told me that he had thought the other woman was pretty attractive when he first met her and "good" at attracting men. Without even thinking - though in retrospect I praise God that what I said was actually Biblical - I responded by blurting out angrily, "Well, of course she is! She's an adulteress!" 


So, what does this woman, the one the Bible calls the "evil woman," know? There are just two things really, so let's jump in and take a look at them now.

Admiration vs. Flattery

"To deliver you from the strange woman,

From the adulteress who flatters with her words." Proverbs 2:16

"For the lips of an adulteress drip honey

         And smoother than oil is her speech..." Proverbs 5:3

"To keep you from the evil woman,

         From the smooth tongue of the adulteress." Proverbs 6:24

These three verses spell it out in plain English for us - adulteress women are flatterers. One dictionary defined 'flatter' like this:) 1. To compliment excessively and often insincerely, especially in order to win favor; 2. To please or gratify the vanity of.  I'd like to zero in on something with you. It's the word 'insincerely,' used in the first definition. An adulteress does not truly admire or respect your husband or mine, but she will insincerely say flattering things to gain an advantage or "win favor" as it says. And over whom does she wish to gain an advantage? That's right - you and me. She's out to win the fight over this man. (And what could be more flattering to him than that?!) In summary then, here is the adulteress' first secret: She is an opportunist, aware of when a man lacks genuine admiration from his wife. Since she is not his wife, she can only give him a counterfeit of the real thing - what we call "flattery."

They say "Flattery will get you nowhere;" but the adulteress doesn't believe that for a moment! To her flattery does get her somewhere. Look again at Proverbs 5:3. It describes  with vivid word-pictures the way she entices a man: Lips that drip with "honey" and speech that's smoother than "oil." In ancient times, when Solomon penned these words, honey and oil were both valuable and desirable. But Solomon goes so far to say that her words are actually smoother than oil! It's as if he was saying that as valuable and desirable as oil is, her words are even better than this. (It's funny, but to my contemporary way of thinking I can't help but think she's also "slick" like oil - as in used-car salesman "slick.") 


Basically what we really need to understand is that an adulteress's speech sounds and feels good to a man deprived of genuine admiration in his marriage. It appeals to his flesh. But more than that, too. It appeals to a good side of his nature as well; the side of man that needs his wife to provide him with the respect that God Himself created him to need. Therefore, when such holy reverence is lacking, he becomes open to the evil flattery of a harlot.


Unfortunately most wives just don't realize all this. Like me for so long, they go about trying to change their husband, nagging, and criticizing; and ultimately they forget that they're not supposed to be head over their man. Instead, God placed the husband over the wife. When a wife usurps her husband's authority, there's a price to be paid!

"But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ." 1 Corinthians 11:3

Wives who have stepped outside their role also naturally fail to express acceptance, appreciation, and open admiration for their husbands as they should. Instead, the man in this situation feels like his wife holds him in contempt. You see, he takes things at face value. If she's always trying to change him and reminding him of his failures, then she must not like him for who he is. And really, you can't blame a guy for feeling this way! 


Now, whereas a wife holds within her power the ability to tremendously bless her husband and feed his soul with everything that is true and beautiful in God's sight; the adulteress, in the absence of this, has the ability to seduce someone's husband through her fake and insincere flattery. She offers him a counterfeit - and if he's hungry enough he'll fall for it. I believe such women seem to know this almost instinctively. It's as if their antennae are up, and they can spot a respect-starved man a mile away. They've learned to study men and have figured out that flattery is just the thing that will get them what they want.


I don't know much about the late writer and humorist Helen Rowland, but I think this quote by her contains a lot of wisdom: "A woman's flattery may inflate a man's head a little; but her criticism goes straight to his heart, and contracts it so that it can never again hold quite as much love for her." Oh boy - if that isn't a warning to us wives! Remember, the adulteress needs only to flatter a husband who's craving admiration and she'll have short-term success; giving this man just what he needs to develop an "addiction" to her and a schoolboy crush. That's why these types of relationships are so exciting to a cheating spouse and make him act like a thirteen year old boy rather than a grown man! Meanwhile, the unknowing wife, who continues in her ways, is making his heart become harder and harder toward her and his love wane or even cease to exist.


I know we'd like to think that even if we do criticize him or fail to admire him, he still doesn't have an excuse! And that's true, he doesn't. However, while we're on quotes I have another one for you to consider. This time it's by Debi Pearl from her book Created to be His Help Meet. Listen to what she says: "When a woman does not provide for her husband a comfortable nest and a reverent attitude, she has to rely on his goodness to 'keep him' faithful. She is a fool to expect him to be a good husband when she is not being the help meet God has created her to be. A man coming home to a tense or messy home, lousy meals, and a wife who is critical, might not have the 'goodness' to remain faithful if a sweet young woman at work seeks to pull him away with the promise (illusion) of a more fulfilling comfort zone."


Dear sister, could the truth be any clearer? We as wives have got to stop waiting for our husbands to somehow "earn" our respect! This idea of "Respect is something you earn" is from the world - not from the Lord! Instead, His Word tells us, "Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33) Remember - the Apostle Paul, who was writing in the wisdom of God, attached no conditions to these commands.


Therefore, just as our husbands are commanded to love us unconditionally - so we also are to respect them unconditionally. So your husband may be a first-class jerk, but you know what? God still calls you to respect him. He still calls you to die to yourself and meet his needs anyway. This is the truth I had to learn the hard way, as have countless other wives. I know some of you might say, "But how can I do this?! You don't know how awful he is!" You're right, I don't know nor will I ever. But one thing I do know and that's how incredibly AWESOME God is! Because of this, I also I know that you can respect your husband when you do it as unto the Lord! Let the reverence you show your husband be a direct manifestation of your reverence for God.


On the other hand, maybe your spouse isn't so bad. Maybe you've got a sound marriage. Or perhaps you would describe your marriage this way, but your husband would not. In the last year I've discovered that it's very common for a wife to feel everything is fine in her marriage and, without his wife's knowledge, the husband to feel the opposite. The reason for this may be that many times a woman is so taken up with the children and her own life (a real danger in homeschool families), that the husband is left feeling neglected or as if he's no longer number one. He longs to be his wife's hero, but instead ends up feeling more like a "zero!"  


I hope you're not doing this, dear sister. I hope your marriage is truly good, and your husband satisfied. However, if you're not so sure and there's a little doubt there, would you allow me to ask you a pointed question or two? Here they are: Have you given your husband any "soul food" lately? Have you taken care to intentionally safe-guard your marriage through the ministry of sincere acceptance (not trying to change him), appreciation, and especially ADMIRATION of your husband?


So how did you rate on these two questions? If you're not sure, you can always pray. Be assured that God wants to give you success as a wife and will identify for you any areas of shortcoming. In future posts we'll be exploring ways to respect our husbands that I believe will be both fun and exciting. We'll discover that it's not an impossible task, but something we can do one day and one step at a time.

God's Secret Weapon for Wives

Oh how I'd love to shout this message from the rooftops! Friend, it works! Respect really, really works and  has the power of God to change your man from a lying, cheating, and sneaking husband to one whose desire is to please God. I have seen it happen in my own husband's life, as well as in others I've recently met or have read about. Do you know why I said that it's the "power of God?" It's because this idea is not mine. Rather, it comes straight to us from the Bible and is His little secret weapon for wives:

"In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior."  1 Peter 3:1-2

I hope you'll grab a hold of this. The adulteress has just two things in her "arsenal." The first one, which we've been discussing, is flattery. We've read about it in the verses from Proverbs above. I've seen it play out in real life. In my own marriage, this is the way the other woman "lured" my husband in. She planned for when she'd see him again and then flattered him about his job. 

But we've also learned that we have a "missile defense shield."  We don't have to stand by just hoping and trusting in our husband's inherent goodness. We can keep him close to home and close to our heart through our own weapon - our respect. It is more powerful than we'll ever know. Aaron confirmed this recently when he remarked, "I really have a good wife now. You do so much for me. I have everything a man could want and more!"

The Second "Secret"

As much as I'd like to continue with this, I realize that this post is getting lengthy. However, before I conclude I'll give you a taste of the next post, which happens to be the second thing the adulteress knows. It is the power of femininity. But wait! We'll also discover that this, too, is only an illusion - a counterfeit. For she is anything but truly feminine. She is limited and only offers a man what I'm choosing to call "false femininity." This sort of person, the kind who wishes to ensnare a married man, resorts to using her best "feminine wiles." It's literally all she's got and goes only skin-deep.

Dear sister in the Lord - this is where we have a tremendous advantage! By contrast, we can exemplify Biblical femininity that is both true and enduring. It's beauty will not fade away. However, do we truly understand what Biblical femininity is? I thought I did - but I fell far short of the ideal. In fact, I still do; but I'm learning and relying on God's grace! 


Therefore, next time here on Oil of His Grace I'll be comparing these two very different things: true femininity versus false femininity. In addition, we'll see how today's world defines femininity very differently from the Word of God, and how it promotes that lie.

I'm really looking forward to it. I hope together we'll discover that being truly feminine is both a joy and a challenge. A good challenge though! And one that will really enhance our marriages.

Please, I invite your comments here so don't be shy! Or, if you prefer to speak to me privately, you may contact me by email at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. See you next time and until then, "May the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely..." (1 Thessalonians 5:23)

Men Just Aren't as Expressive!

One of the neatest and most enjoyable things the book Fascinating Womanhood encourages readers to do is to keep a "love booklet." In the pages of your booklet you are to record the loving responses of your husband as you practice the principles of Fascinating Womanhood. In this way, you'll have a precious keepsake to reminisce about years later. The author, Helen Andelin, kept one for years, right up to her husband's death at which time she was blessed to record his last words to her.


I, also, am finding joy in keeping a love booklet and hope to do it for a lifetime. In fact, just last week I recorded that Aaron came up from behind, gently put his hands on me, and said, "I was just thinking today how happy I am to be married to you." Then last night, after some good "shoulder-to-shoulder" time jogging together, he replied, "You know, you really are a good wife and have been an encouragement to me lately." Well, let me tell you - that went right into my love booklet! I even tell him when I'm going to write something in there and he gets a real kick out of it.


However, as great as all this is, there is one thing I feel I should mention. I have observed, and I believe it's a principal in general with men, that husbands are not nearly as verbally expressive as their wives. I began to notice this early on in our marriage. Back then I would get really "put out" and couldn't understand why I showered my husband with verbal love, yet he didn't respond in like. Sometimes I'd even resort to dropping hints or manipulating him to say the things I wanted to hear. This went over about as well as a lead balloon!


In their book Motivating Your Man God's Way - Applying One Word That Energizes Your Husband To Love, Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs address this very issue. They state: "Women want to talk about matters of the heart. They do not feel obligated to do this; they yearn to do this. When first married, they felt their husbands would be their intimate friends. Yet, he was less expressive at that level. So she talked more and more." 


Not surprisingly, their conclusion pinpoints exactly what I had experienced as a young wife: "She can feel frustrated by what appears to be his lack of expressiveness and responsiveness at an intimate level." Unfortunately, in my case, this frustration spewed out in the way I treated my husband and caused a lot of heartache for us both. Many years of marriage went by - wasted by my discontentment to be married to such a romantic nincompoop.


I'm glad, however, that as I've grown older perhaps I've grown a little wiser as well. Nowadays I realize that being expressive is just not as natural for men; for they are "do-ers" more than anything. By contrast, sociologists describe women as expressive-responsive. This is rooted in our nurturing abilities. It has even been shown in some studies that we speak significantly more words in a given day than our male counterparts. We are "speak-ers" more than anything. Therefore, most wives will exceed their husbands, many times over, in the area of affirming and loving words. 

My point to all this, dear sisters, is to remind us to be thankful for the words of affirmation that our husbands do say because they are NOT cheaply given! When they say them, they mean them - and that, in itself, is richly rewarding. These days, I light up when Aaron says sweet things. You may wonder if he does this everyday. Let me say that no - of course he doesn't - but that's okay, because he's the most romantic man I know! 


Therefore, please learn from my mistakes and treasure your husband's attempts. He's trying, in his own way, to tell you how much you mean to him. Why not even write them down to look at later! If you haven't done this yet, I highly recommend you try. I know it will bless you both. 


In closing, I encourage you above all to never berate your husband for being less verbal than you; but rather praise God that He made us male and female! He's a man! Learn to appreciate that.


I'm starting on the next post later today (my daughter is at a friend's, so it's a good day for writing!). This subject was on my heart, though, and so I wanted to sneak this one in first. Hope to see you back for the last Obstacle to Healing!

More Answered Prayer for My Husband (And a Word on Prayer for Marriage Restoration)

"I will heal their apostasy,
         I will love them freely,
         For My anger has turned away from them.

 I will be like the dew to Israel;
         He will blossom like the lily,
         And he will take root like the cedars of Lebanon.

His shoots will sprout,
         And his beauty will be like the olive tree         
And his fragrance like the cedars of Lebanon.

Those who live in his shadow
         Will again raise grain,
         And they will blossom like the vine.
         His renown will be like the wine of Lebanon."

Hosea 14:4-7

I felt I needed to write a "postscript" to last night's post. Specifically I wanted to mention the blessing of praying Hosea 14:4-7 for your spouse as they begin to recover their spiritual "senses." (2 Timothy 2:26) In the text (above) we see that God foretold that He would heal the nation of Israel's backsliding. While I recognize that when God spoke these words He was giving a promise to Israel, I also believe that there is a spiritual principle here of the sanctifying work of God which is for all believers. So then, let's first note that this passage speaks of these things as God's work. They're not ours, we can't heal our spouse's past - only God can. Looking closer at the text I highlighted in pink, we see that He promised to do three things: Heal them, love them, and be "like the dew" to them.

Without getting too much into it, I can say that this passage perhaps more than any other, has been one of the most meaningful ones I've prayed for my husband's spiritual restoration. Hosea 14:4-7 is the essence of what God wants to do in the hearts of men. In Aaron's life, as I prayed that God would heal his "apostasy", this came to pass in many ways.

First, as I've already talked about, he was granted godly sorrow that led him to repentance. Next he renounced (or as the King James and NASB would say, "denied") his ungodliness by beginning to do what was right. (Daniel 4:27; Titus 2:12) This meant that in our case, since we were recovering from his emotional affair, he began to be accountable to me and our pastor. He willingly checked in by phone with me throughout the day and allowed me to ask a lot of questions - especially in the beginning. He also made himself available whenever I needed to talk, even if it was about the pain he had caused me. Finally, God healed his apostasy by enabling him to become "transformed by the renewing of his mind." (Romans 12:2) I stated this before, but his entire way of thinking changed and began to line up with God's Word.

As for God loving him, this has also become a reality for Aaron. For the first time in his life he is confident that God loves him. He knows that he is a beloved son because the Lord has poured out His love within his heart. (Romans 5:5) God has been faithful to honor His word in Hosea - His wonderful word which promises that He will love us freely - as it's been prayed by not only me, but others who care about my husband as well.

"I will be like the dew to (him)." Oh, how this has been answered! The Lord has truly become my husband's rock and his hiding place. When the storms of life, like a hectic job, have hit hard, Aaron has found refreshment in the Lord. Also, I think the fact that God has enlightened the eyes of his heart (Ephesians 1:18) by helping him to have greater understanding of His word, is an answer to this prayer as well. Everyday Aaron is strengthened and encouraged, and oftentimes convicted, as he spends time studying the Bible.

Now, these have been just a few glimpses of the things God has done in response to praying this passage in Hosea. It's been a highlight of my prayer life this last year and a half. As a side note let me say this - if you're recovering from a spouse's adultery, the entire book of Hosea may be a tremendous encouragement to you if you have not read it. If you have, you may wish to reread it. I think you will find many parallels there to what you've been through, and will come away from it with insight and wisdom.

One last thing! Lest you think that I forgot to include answered prayer for our marriage in my last post, I want you to know that I'll be including quite a bit about that in the near future. I'm very excited and looking forward to sharing all that's happened, and is happening, in greater detail. I'll be turning once again to Hosea 14 and sharing some things as they relate to that passage.

However, before I close now can I give one bit of advice? This is for those of you whose marriages are in recovery: Pray that God will restore and heal your marriage a hundred-fold. Then ask Him to make it better than it's ever been. I have probably prayed this prayer a thousand times and have seen such wondrous results from it. If you don't know where or how to begin praying for your marriage, then this is a good place to start. It's the kind of prayer that God honors; demonstrating both your trust and dependence on Him. And remember what I said before - God is always for marriage. Therefore, He will not only hear your prayer, He will most certainly answer it.

Go in peace this week!

Healing Your Marriage Through Forgiveness: Part 4

Thanks for joining me. This will be the final post in this series on forgiveness. It feels like it's been a long journey (and it has), but hopefully we've learned some things along the way!

There are just two more points I'd like to share with you. I'll admit that I'm really anxious to move on to standing in prayer for your marriage and so that's why I'm combining these into one post. Without further introduction then, let's find out two more ways God uses the grace of forgiveness in our lives.

Forgiveness is God's Way to Witnessing: I actually learned this lesson years ago as an outside observer, long before experiencing the devastation of infidelity in my own marriage. To me, my friend, Meghan, was a living example of godliness. She handled her husband's adultery with grace and dignity. When Mike began having an affair with a co-worker, she clung to the Lord and sought Him prayerfully. After many months of heartache, he finally ended his illicit relationship with the other woman. Together they began the work of rebuilding their marriage and healing the damage to their five children. Meghan was a true inspiration during this time as her faith in the Lord shone brightly all around her.

However, most amazing was the way Meghan's forgiveness of the other woman glorified God. Unlike many couples recovering from adultery, Meghan and Mike still had to deal with this woman almost daily since she continued working in the same office as Mike. As the holidays approached that year, so did the company Christmas party. Mike was nervous to bring it up. When he finally did mention it, Meghan didn't waver. Of course they would go!

Working at a company such as he did, making a large salary, the event was a real "black-tie affair." The ladies were all dressed up and Meghan looked beautiful in her elegant, yet modest, evening gown. Going to the ladies' room, she opened the door to see the "other woman" standing at the sink, freshening up her makeup. Instead of feeling the sting of humiliation, Meghan forgot herself and felt pity for this woman instead. Her heart was heavy for where this person must have been spiritually. The moment seemed supernaturally orchestrated by the Lord; there was no one else in the room but the two of them. With a look of compassion and a gracious smile, Meghan slowly approached and asked if she was Beth. The other woman, who had turned toward her, shakily answered, "Yes," but would not look Meghan in the eyes.

In the next moment, my friend gently wrapped her arms around Beth's shoulders, then stood back and replied, "I just want you to know Beth, that because Jesus forgives me, I forgive you too." For the first time Beth looked up at Meghan, surprise filling her face. Then her hand went to her mouth as she attempted to stifle her astonishment, and tears sprung to her eyes. A second later she lost all composure and began sobbing. Now Meghan was holding her while she cried.

After a few minutes, her tears subsided somewhat and she finally managed, "I always knew you were a Christian." Not too much else was said between the women, but you can be sure that our heavenly Father was looking down and smiling. Through her forgiveness, Meghan had witnessed to this woman that Jesus Christ was real and alive in a profound way. She and Mike have since moved away, but a verse comes to mind whenever I think of her: "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." (Matthew 5:16)

Fast forward several years in my own life to the year 2009. It was the weekend after Christmas. For months now I'd been working hard at maturing into a godly wife after learning of my husband's affair; learning to die to myself and becoming "like a grain of wheat," as mentioned in John 12:24. Taking my "Christmas money" - cash gifts from my parents and in-laws - I treated Aaron to a weekend getaway. Everything went absolutely wonderful: the food was fabulous, the inn romantic, and the activities enjoyable. On the way home we dawdled - stopping here and there like we never wanted it to end. 

While I want to preserve some of the intimacy and specialness of the time for just the two of us, I will tell you that something very significant happened as we were going home on the last evening. It was dark, and because he was tired, my husband had asked me to drive. For most of the way we talked non-stop. However, at one point a couple quiet minutes passed and I noticed that Aaron was staring out his window at the dark countryside. An oncoming car showed me that he was crying. I chose to say nothing and wait for him to talk.

After a few more minutes he said softly, "Why did you spend your money on me? You could have bought something for yourself - instead you repaid me good for my evil." I was incredibly touched. That moment led to us disclosing many things that were on our hearts with each other. However, I think most significant, in a spiritual sense, was what I had "shared," not verbally, but through my actions towards him. For this I can take no credit as there were many times throughout the weekend when I was just itching to say something, and the Lord would whisper, "Quiet."

Inwardly, as we were sharing, I was praying. I was thinking about the Lord's warning to me all weekend and bearing in mind 1 Peter 3:1-2 where the Apostle admonishes wives to "win" their disobedient husbands without a word. Looking back, I really think that because I had kept quiet all weekend, allowing God's grace to be displayed by my deeds, a door of opportunity for me to speak was opened. I was finally able to tell Aaron that I had truly forgiven him, and that our weekend away was simply a reflection of what God had done for me. Glancing over at him, I continued. There was one verse I felt the Lord wanted me to share, so I said something like, "You know, honey, this reminds me of a time in my life. It was when I finally realized what amazing things the Lord had done for me, even though I was a terrible sinner, that I repented and received Christ as my savior. I can't help but think of Romans 2:4 which says that the 'kindness of God leads (us) to repentance.'''

That was just the beginning of breakthroughs the Lord would do in us, and in our marriage. In the months since that precious weekend, my wonderful husband has not only come back to the Lord, he also has a real burden for those who don't know Him! Just a couple days ago he shared with me that he needs to witness to a particular person the Lord has laid on his heart. Praise God!

Finally, a last thought on forgiveness...

Forgiveness is God's Love (As Demonstrated Through His Reconciliation with Us): This one is really quite simple. When we choose to forgive someone who has sinned against us, we choose to become like our Father. God, according to His grace, chose to reconcile the world to Himself through the act of forgiveness.

"...God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them." (2 Corinthians 5:19)

In the same way, while we cannot control the other person's response to our forgiveness, we may offer the only hope of our relationship with that person being restored. Our willingness to bear their sin debt toward us, through the grace of forgiveness, acts as the catalyst for such a possibility to even exist. If you're reading this and the offender is your husband, then forgiving him will be the greatest investment in your marriage you will ever make. I know that in my own experience, forgiving Aaron opened wide the floodgates to all the subsequent things God has done.

May I further suggest that forgiveness is the greatest expression of love we can show. Think of the well-known verse, "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) It was Christ's atonement on our behalf, resulting in forgiveness of sins, that was the very manifestation of His love. Likewise, 1 Peter 4:8 tells us what the outcome of our love in action should be: "...Love covers a multitude of sins." 

For a wonderful commentary of this verse and the role of forgiveness in becoming perfected in love, I'll turn to Gill's Exposition of the Bible. (For those who don't know who John Gill was, he was pastor for 51 years at Metropolitan Tabernacle, the same church that Charles Spurgeon pastored one hundred years later.)

"'For charity shall cover the multitude of sins'; referring to Proverbs 10:12. Not a man's own sins, but the sins of others; and not from the sight of God, for from that only the blood and righteousness of Christ cover sins, even all the sins, the whole multitude of the sins of God's elect; but from the sight of men, both of those against whom they are committed, and others; since charity, or true love, thinks no ill, but puts the best constructions upon the words and actions of fellow Christians, and does not take them up, and improve and exaggerate them, but lets them lie buried in oblivion: it takes no notice of injuries, offences, and affronts, but overlooks them, bears with them, and forgives them, so that they are never raked up, and seen any more; which prevents much scandal, strife, and trouble." (Emphasis mine)

I don't know about you, but I really love the word-picture of forgiveness he paints for us in that last statement - "...so that they are never raked up." However, while we're talking about restored relationships, we must also acknowledge that sometimes, as in my case with the other woman, a relationship with the offender may not be desirable, or even expedient. In such situations the Bible is still clear on what responsibility we do bear before the Lord. Verses such as Romans 12:18 tell us, "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men." Similarly, Hebrews 12:14 says, "Pursue peace with all men." Obviously, the "all men" referred to in both of these verses would include the person who injured us. So, while it's possible that you or I won't ever have any association with the wrongdoer again - we can still be at peace with that person. If we should encounter him or her, we experience no internal conflict and may even wish them well. Most importantly, though, we can rest assured if we are in a state of forgiveness and have peace with God concerning the matter.

Whether the final destination of your own journey is reconciliation or a state of peace, I hope that throughout this series I've been able to convince you that forgiveness towards others is not only possible, but completely attainable. It certainly is not just for "super Christians." Our ability doesn't rest with us, but with God. For "...with God all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26) Secondly, I also hope I've demonstrated the beautiful benefits of forgiveness in order that you may extend it from a heart filled and overflowing with grace. Therefore, my prayer for each of you comes from Paul's statement in Hebrews 13:9 where he says, "For it is a good thing that the heart be established with grace." 

Well, I think that finally wraps up this series! Really it's been good for me too as I've reviewed and thought a lot about the things I've learned while struggling to forgive.

Together we've seen how wonderful our God is as He works in us "both to will and to work for His good pleasure." (Philippians 2:13) As a recap, we discovered that forgiveness is: God's Will; God's Plan; God's Pruning; God's Way; and God's Love. I'm sure there's so many other facets of forgiveness I could have covered, but I shared the main things I felt the Lord wanted me to. I certainly welcome your questions or comments here, or if you prefer, you may contact me privately at titus2homemaker@gmail.com.

Next time, Lord willing, I'll talk about standing in prayer for your marriage. I'll have some practical tips and a whole list of Scriptures that are wonderful to pray. Until then, may God's peace guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7)