Does Your Husband Need to Change? Wives, God is More Able Than You!

Okay, so maybe I'm stepping on some toes with the title of this post! Sorry, but I've got to be honest - some of us are trying to change our husbands and shouldn't be. How do I know this? Because I've been guilty of it, too! So let me ask a blunt question. How's that working out for you? Does your husband respond well to your criticism or complaints? How about your "helpful suggestions" or "loving correction?" If I had to guess I would bet that he responds like mine - not too well! 


Since I'm assuming that most of my audience are Christians, I'll begin with a couple verses that might be commonly used as objections to a wife "keeping quiet." The first one I'm thinking of is the verse that says we are to "speak the truth in love..." (Ephesians 4:15). Many have quoted this verse to support the idea of mutual accountability. Others go further by adding Ephesians 5:21, "And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ." I hope to show you, however, that a closer look at these verses puts them both into context for us.


First, in Ephesians 4, we see from the passage surrounding verse 15 that Paul is speaking of the church attaining to "the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man," etc. He is desiring that the teaching of true doctrine continue so that these things will happen and believers will not be "tossed here and there by waves." 


In verses 11-12 Paul tells us whom was to carry out this teaching and the desired result of such teaching - that each member of the body become equipped for service and also able, as we've read in verse 15, to "speak the truth" (sound doctrine) with one another: "And He gave some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ." (Ephesians 4:11-12) 


Paul meant for these men of God, called to serve in the various offices of the church, to exercise the gift of teaching the truth so that the congregation would be enabled to encourage one another in these truths. The leaders' teaching was to be repeated among all believers so that none would become as children -tossed around, believing every new wind of doctrine and being led astray. "As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming." (Verse 14)


It must be concluded that nowhere in this passage do we see any connection to, or encouragement of, wives admonishing husbands. We must be careful not to add that in! Please don't read into this passage what would be entirely contrary to Scripture that so clearly tells us of the quiet attitude that God intends us wives to have. (See 1 Peter 3:1-4) Therefore, let me be emphatic: Ephesians 4:15 does not give any one of us license to hold our husband to account, keep him in line, or straighten him out!


Secondly, we have Ephesians 5:21. At first glance this verse looks like what many women hope for - a way of "equalizing" things a bit. Again, let's look at it in context. In this passage, beginning with verse 15, Paul tells us how believers are to encourage one another. In verse 21 he ends it summarily by saying that we are to submit to one another. However, he doesn't leave it to chance that we would misunderstand him. He wants us to understand the order of things. In the very next breath, by way of explanation, he tells us what that submission is to look like: 

"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself." (Ephesians 5:22-28)

Do you see? Your submission, dear wife, and your husband's "submission" are lived out in different ways. Both are distinct and important in building each other up.

Now that we hopefully have cleared that up, let's move on to what trying to change your husband will do - and, in the next post (hopefully soon), what you can do instead!

Wanting Him to Change Equals Discontent

Here's the point I want to make from the outset: Your attempts at changing your husband equals discontent. I don't care how you or I try to justify this, it just does! It doesn't matter that you think you're trying to "help him;" or whether you actually know that you just want him to different - both are manifestations of a discontent spirit.

So what does this mean for us when we find ourselves in this boat? What does it do? I want to look at that now; for I believe the result is that it hurts our two most important relationships:

1) With God - The discontent we demonstrate by trying to get our husbands to change is actually evidence of a deeper problem. That problem is unbelief. And so we must ask - what warning does the Scripture give concerning this? For the answer let's look at Hebrews 3:12, "Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God."

About this verse Barnes' Notes on the Bible says: "The word 'unbelief' is used to qualify the word 'heart,' by a Hebraism - a mode of speech that is common in the New Testament. An unbelieving heart was the cause of their (the Israelites') apostasy, and what worked their ruin will produce ours. The root of their evil was 'a want of confidence in God' - and this is what is meant here by a heart of unbelief. The great difficulty on earth everywhere is a 'want of confidence in God' - and this has produced all the ills that man has ever suffered. It led to the first apostasy; and it has led to every other apostasy - and will continue to produce the same effects to the end of the world."

So you see, the discontent you or I feel toward our husband, and the subsequent desire for  "helping" them to change, really stems from what Albert Barnes here referred to as "a want of confidence in God." When we step into the place of correcting, admonishing, or more subtly, of dropping hints, we have moved from entrusting our husband to God - to trusting in ourselves. In the former we (rightfully) give the care of our husband over to God; in the latter we rely on ourselves to look after him. 


And, it must be added, if we do end up doing the latter, we will inevitably begin the process of what the writer of Hebrews warned us about. If you don't remember, look back at the verse above to see what he said about unbelief. Do you see it? It will lead us to "fall away." Those are strong words, my friends! Now, I don't think any of us who call ourselves Christians really intend to do this. We don't mean to be controlling and trusting in ourselves; we don't mean to be unbelieving and endangering of our spiritual lives. Unfortunately, however, that is exactly the risk we take when we operate outside God's "guidelines" for the behavior of wives. Slowly, sometimes imperceptibly, through the subtleness of this sin, we harden our hearts through unbelief.


Of course the end result of this is that it will greatly hurt our relationship with the Lord. And do you know what He will do in relation to this? Look with me at another verse from Hebrews: "For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” (Hebrews 12:6) So, my friend, I beg you to save yourself much pain and grief - please reconsider your course if you find yourself doing any of the following:


1. Telling your husband how he ought to change
2. Pointing out his faults (I will share a better way to deal with this in the next post.)
3. Belittling him and/or his opinions
4. Manipulating situations meant for his "instruction." Things such as bringing home movies with a message you think he needs to hear; arranging beforehand for a person to bring up a certain subject in your husband's presence; or leaving books, pamphlets, or articles opened up where your husband will see and (hopefully) read them. (Okay - guilty here!!)
5. Questioning "why" he does things with the implication that his choice is wrong
6. Pressuring him to do things your way


There are countless other ways you and I try to change our husbands but, again, all these things will surely lead us away from God. Instead they will increasingly move us toward further unbelief and ultimately toward idolatry of ourselves as we attempt to sit on the throne - the throne meant for God alone! Dear sister - if you find yourself in this place today - again I implore you to quickly repent and trust God instead.


2) With Your Husband - Your marriage over time will suffer as you try to change your husband. In fact, I'm not trying to scare you but quite a few women I've talked to whose husbands have had affairs said that, before the affair happened, they always felt like their husband needed to change or "shape up." Now, when a wife is feeling that way it's very hard not to act on it for what we think in our hearts becomes known in our words and actions. Jesus said it this way: "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." (Matthew 12:34) So you see, if we continually entertain thoughts about our husband's need to change, of his "deficiencies," we will end up waging a war of words against him...I know because I, too, was one of those wives. 


Most important in your relationship with your husband is how he will interpret your discontent with him. Two ways come to mind: 


1) He will feel that you disdain him. This feeling will be strong if you are very persistent in your efforts at changing him. He may become tempted to "look elsewhere" for reassurances. This is why the Bible tells us that the adulteress woman is a flatterer. She knows the need of man to have someone admire him and at least appear to respect him. 


2) He will perceive your discontent as disrespect. To a man this is HUGE! In the book For Women Only - What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by author Shaunti Feldhahn, she tells of the survey (and extensive interviews) she conducted of hundreds of men. One question on the survey was eye-opening to her. It read, "Think about what these two negative experiences would be like: to feel alone and unloved in the world OR to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone. If you were forced to choose one, which would you prefer?" Overwhelmingly - three out of four men (74%) - said they would choose "alone and unloved;" while just 26% said "inadequate and disrespected." 


You see then, respect is as essential to a man as love is to a woman. Respect is simply not to be overlooked by God-fearing wives! The subject of respect, in fact, is the very reason I am writing these posts. I want to help wives understand what respecting their husbands "looks like" and how to live that out (see the poll on the sidebar for a glimpse of how many readers here feel they need insight into this). I truly believe these teachings will help build marriages and make happier and more contented wives, too.


Additionally, we should consider how your husband may respond to feeling your disdain and disrespect. We've already briefly looked at one possibility. Of course, not every husband who feels disrespected is going to choose adultery; but still, you may be sure that he will respond in some way. More often than not he will begin to build a wall which Helen Andelin in Fascinating Womanhood calls "his reserve."


Basically, a man's wall of reserve is his attempt to protect himself from the pain of humiliation. He may appear to his wife to be closed up, unwilling to talk, or just plain distant. Additionally, a husband may respond by having cooled feelings toward his wife. When she openly suggests he needs to improve he may reject her altogether. Obviously, any of these responses are hurtful and harmful to both partners in the marriage. 


Let me conclude, therefore, with a confession. I certainly have my own struggle in this area. It's not so much that I think negatively about my husband (like I used to do); rather it's that I read, see, or hear things that I feel sure would "help" him! (Just a little bit of pride here!) I recently told a friend that it's not God's strength to do something that I'm praying for; it's His strength to not do something that I need - namely, to keep from saying things! 


If you can believe it, just now as I was sitting here writing this post, my dear husband called and told me that he isn't going somewhere tonight I really hoped he would. I thought it would be spiritually encouraging to him. So, guess what I did? I reminded myself that I'm a new "me" and sweetly replied, "Whatever you want to do, honey."  Now, was that easy? NO! I wanted to tell him that I thought he should go. But I know that would have only brought discord. Totally not worth it!


So friend, if you've stuck with me this far and you're finding that you need (like me) to guard yourself against this common tendency in wives of pressuring their husbands to change, I ask you to stay tuned in to this blog. Next time I'll help you to discover godly ways that will encourage your husband to change. All without you ever saying a word of disrespect - or stepping outside your God-given role as helpmate!


If I can be of any assistance to you at all, or if you need to speak with me privately, please feel free to contact me by email at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. May all of you go in peace this week!

Should We Be a Doormat When Our Spouse Cheats?

For all my dear readers I'd like to clarify my position on this question and state in one place what I believe is the Biblical response to an unfaithful spouse. Recently, I was contacted by a reader who mentioned the aspect of being "quiet" in regards to our husbands - an admonition clearly supported by Scripture (1 Peter 3:1) and which I've written about here. Now, to be clear - this lady did not say she came away with the impression from this blog that I mean for women experiencing their husband's unfaithfulness to become "doormats." However, it got me thinking - Could I seem to be giving that impression?


So please allow me to try to state my position the best I can. To attempt this I will retell a little of our story. Then I want to conclude with what I believe Scripture (most importantly), as well as my own experience, have taught me about a godly response to adultery. Let me begin by saying that as far as I can tell, adultery is a sin as any other. No where in the Bible can I find it singled out as being "worse" than any other. Yes, it's infinitely more hurtful than, say, your husband raising his voice in anger at you. But it is no worse a sin in God's economy then another because of one simple fact: All sin requires atonement. It requires that a price be paid for it. 


The good news (what we call the gospel) states that Jesus Christ, God incarnate, became a man in order to do that. He willingly laid down His sinless, perfect life through death on a cross. In this He satisfied the wrath of God; poured out upon Him because the Father's pure holiness demanded it be so. Look with me at Matthew 27:46, where Jesus is hanging on the cross:

"And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"

Commentator John Gill says of this verse that Jesus "was now without a sense of the gracious presence of God, and was filled, as the surety of his people, with a sense of divine wrath, which their iniquities he now bore, deserved, and which was necessary for him to endure, in order to make full satisfaction for them; for one part of the punishment of sin is loss of the divine presence."

So with this in mind, we must have a view toward our husband's sin of adultery as one that is covered by the blood of Jesus. Truly you and I are no better and are every bit as deserving of God's wrath as they are. "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God..." (Romans 3:23) But thanks be to God that He did make a way for us to have our sins forgiven and to become righteous: "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." (2 Corinthians 5:21) And, friend, it is because of this great truth that the apostle Paul can admonish us in Ephesians 4:32:

"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."

So for me, during that summer of my husband's emotional affair I waited through long weeks of despair hoping and praying for my husband's repentance. I anxiously awaited his sorrowful apology so that I could forgive him. I remember my pastor assuring me over and over again, "We'll know true repentance when we see it." 


Simultaneously, as many of you know, I felt the Lord showing me to love him unconditionally - even while he was exceedingly difficult to "love" in his state of hostility and anger. However, before I go any further, with my seeming willingness to "toot my own horn," I must stop right here.

First, because it's necessary for me to give you a realistic picture of what kind of wife I really had been up until that point. Because you see, for most of the seventeen years of marriage I had shown neither unconditional love nor respect toward my husband. This is completely unlike God - who showers even unrepentant, wicked sinners with His gifts. Sometimes we refer to this as "common grace," which is based upon Matthew 5:45, "That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."

And may I suggest that Scripture teaches us that it is this very thing - His unfathomable kindness towards hostile sinners - which leads them to repentance. This is because it tells us in Acts 2:4, "Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?" You see? It's the kindness, the love which He demonstrated toward us "while we were yet sinners" (Romans 5:8) that assured us we would be safe and accepted by Him if we would repent. We could rest and take comfort in the knowledge that we had a place to "come home to," so-to-speak.

So getting back to my situation, it was a relatively short amount of time between when I found out about Aaron's affair, and when he cut if off (or at least I believed he had). I still had every hope that our marriage could be saved. As I look back, I truly believe that at this time it was crucial that I show my husband unconditional love because he needed to trust that I would offer forgiveness should he confess his sin and ask for it. He couldn't have done this based on our past; for I had not shown him much (true) kindness and acceptance. This leads me to share, dear sister, a significant and humbling truth - God showed me to love Aaron because He wanted me to be a reflection of His great love and mercy towards us. My husband was messed up spiritually and God was going to use a "cracked pot" like me to show him (albeit imperfectly) what God was like.


It reminds me of the book of Hosea. (Not that I'm on the same level as him - I'm not!) However, the prophet also had the task of showing what God was like to the unfaithful nation of Israel - through his own marriage to an unfaithful wife. Time and again Hosea showed her his love and took her back. If you haven't read it in a while, I highly encourage you to read it sometime soon. Meditate on how it can be applied to the heartache of adultery in your own life.


Secondly though, loving my husband while enduring hostility was made a little "easier" for me because I was deceived about it being over between he and the other woman. In some respects I believe that God allowed this extended time of deception. Had I known otherwise - I doubt I would have stuck with it. I believe I would have quit and gave up. Figuratively speaking, had I been allowed to see the real giants I was facing, I would not have had that time to love another human without condition, and without return! The opportunity for growth in goodwill (see Proverbs 31:12) and maturity this brought into my life, as a result, would have also been lost. In the end, if I had not been allowed time to develop unconditional love for Aaron, he probably would not have believed that I would be willing to truly take him back and forgive him. 


And, indeed, even though I had been living this out for a couple months - not perfectly but trusting the Lord to help me in my weaknesses - I was still about ready to throw in the towel when I found out in August that Aaron was still sneaking around. That day of discovery, the one when I met my friend Rachel for coffee (which I wrote about in The Way God Answered Prayer for My Husband's Repentance), I explained to all of you how I figured I would have to call the divorce lawyer on Monday. 


What I didn't mention in that post, however, was that I had actually given Aaron an ultimatum earlier in the day. I told him that he either end it with the other woman or I would divorce him. But since he didn't seem too bothered by my ultimatum and still planned on meeting with his adultress, I concluded that divorce was the only answer. 


Meeting with Rachel that day was really for my own comfort because I was feeling so totally hopeless and drained. I thank God, though, that in reality it was Him who ordained that timely meeting, and that prayer was a natural thing for us to do. Again, if you'll remember, it was in answer to those desperate prayers uttered at the "eleventh hour," that God brought my husband to repentance. That day represented a crisis brought to a head through weeks and weeks of standing in the gap for our marriage through prayer. Praise GOD!!


Now, I've talked about unconditional love. It is an attribute of our Heavenly Father which He lavishes on us to draw us to Himself; and one which we wives can also use to win our husbands back to ourselves. But I also need to talk about this other "thing." And that's the idea of what some call "tough love." 


Perhaps the most well-known advocate for its practice is Dr. James Dobson who wrote the book, Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis. Now, I know I've shared somewhere on here that I don't agree with Focus on the Family and Dr. Dobson on everything, but following this book's advice was probably the #3 thing (prayer and unconditional love being the first two) that I did to save our marriage. 

Is Tough Love Biblical?

But some might say, "Is tough love Biblical?" Yes, but before I explain why I'll give a brief explanation of what it is. First, as its premise, as I understand and would apply it, is the idea of dignity. For love to flourish in any relationship it must be free of abuse and each person's dignity upheld and respected. Dignity is based on the fact that we are all created in God's image. (Genesis 1:26) To hurt or harm another human being is a frontal assault against their dignity. Because of this, it is oftentimes in the best interest of the person being victimized (or betrayed in the case of adultery) to separate from the other person for a time. It is made clear by the one betrayed that they still love the adulterer, and would welcome them back when and if they repent, but that they cannot tolerate such behavior any longer. There is NO begging, crying, promising to "do better," or any other such thing on the part of the person betrayed. To do so would be to...1) Hurt and deny their own dignity (and basically say, "It's okay; you can step all over me and I'll still be here;" and 2) Hurt the relationship with the balance of "power" being tilted in favor of the one sinning. Consider the picture of equality (verse 21, below) - yet with different roles - the Bible paints for us in regards to the marriage relationship:

21...And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. 22Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church." (Ephesians 5:21-29)

Aside from the issue of God-given dignity, another reason to support the idea of tough love is found in this verse: "Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted." (Galatians 6:1) Now, at first glance you may be wondering how this verse demonstrates tough love. In fact, you might be thinking, it says to restore in a spirit of gentleness! 

A look at the Greek word, katartizo, that is here translated as "restore" may be helpful. It's meaning is: "repair or adjust -- fit, frame, mend, (make) perfect(-ly join together)." What I believe we can glean from this is that the way in which we must approach the person in error is to be gentle - meaning specifically our demeanor and attitude; and that it must also be coupled with the right motivation. But, the actual "act" must sometimes seem hurtful. Think about it... Repairing, adjusting, and perfectly joining two things together takes some bending, twisting, and shaping - all things which are good, but require us to be forceful when necessary.

And that's precisely what we do when we confront another's sin. We "force" a crisis. In the eighteenth chapter of Matthew, verses 15-17, we are familiar with the steps of dealing with a sinning brother. We see that they are progressive. In verse seventeen Jesus tells us that in the case of the brother who won't address his sin even when finally confronted by the entire church, we are basically to disassociate with that person and treat them as we would anyone else outside the church. 

Paul later confirmed this when he said, "If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter, take special note of that person and do not associate with him, so that he will be put to shame." (2 Thessalonians 3:14) And even more strongly when he seemingly dealt harshly with one particular unrepentant man: "I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus." (1 Corinthians 5:5) Look closely and we see that Paul was actually creating a "crisis" for that person by discontinuing fellowship with him - while having that person's ultimate good in mind. 

Getting back to my situation for a minute. Where I believe I was in error was in jumping immediately to the idea of divorce, rather than an ultimatum that included separation. In this I feel like my commitment to the marriage wavered. Now, to God's praise and mercy, I cannot say why but He still chose to use my feeble and imperfect attempt at forcing a crisis; and I'm certainly glad he did! In fact, my husband has said that it was the combination of my loving acceptance of him, yet unwillingness to be stepped all over, that drew him and made him come back to his senses.

However, as much as I'm thankful it worked that way for us, I would not suggest to anyone reading this that you quickly go from showing a willingness to forgive, to stomping your foot down in a ultimatum of divorce. Please remember that patience and long-suffering are virtues that the Lord develops in us through such trials. (James 1:2-3) These require us to work through the process with care. After all, marriage is meant to be a lifetime covenant and therefore must always be handled with an eye toward restoration - the very thing we've been reading about in the verses on correction above! 

But the question remains. How do we do that? How do we proceed during a spouse's unfaithfulness? All I can say is that it requires us to pray like we've never prayed; to have faith in God's goodness; and - probably most important - to have hope. For hope is always centered on the ministry and work of the Lord Jesus Christ. He is what gives us hope during dark days. To that end we can take comfort in knowing that there is more to this life than what is seen, and that God's purposes in everything are bringing about a "far greater weight of glory." (2 Corinthians 4:17) 

And so this is what we're to be about in the midst of such an awful trial as this... About bringing the focus back to God's amazing grace and sharing that with a person desperately deceived and "taken captive by (Satan) to do his will." (2 Timothy 2:26)

So, yes, I truly do believe that tough love is Biblical and has its place. But I also believe that, before that happens, there needs to be unconditional love and a willingness to forgive shown. Is it a sacrifice on the part of the one who is being sinned against? The wife who is living with her husband's hostility and unfaithfulness? Yes, a thousand times yes! But again - it all goes back to Jesus - the One whom (if we are Christians) we claim to follow! And I believe He does ask us this... Will you follow Me? 

"For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:3)

Dear sister, if you are one who is going through your husband's adultery today, I suggest you first throw yourself at the feet of your merciful God and savior. He promised to be near to those who are brokenhearted. "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted, And saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18) 

Then, consider balance in your approach toward your husband. Remember, God Himself is neither all love, nor all justice. At first He patiently endures our wandering and sin. Though it grieves him terribly, we've seen above how He will attempt to draw us to Himself by showing kindness and love. However, if that doesn't get our attention, He oftentimes uses chastisement. Usually He does this by bringing about some sort of crisis in our life. 

Additionally, never go about this alone! Seek godly and Biblical counsel; while at the same time continuing to read the Bible first to gain wisdom, and then adding in books such as "Love Must Be Tough." When you do read any book make sure you weigh it against Scripture as the Bereans of Paul's day did. Finally, this is very important - when considering taking any action, such as presenting an ultimatum (which the book by Dr. Dobson clearly shows how to do), always pray and seek God's will and timing in such matters.

I hope through this post I've made it clear where I stand concerning the question the title of this post asks. I hope I've convinced you that, no - we're not to be "doormats" in any sense of the word. We have dignity, given to us by our Creator. We also have a duty to love and look to others' good - and allowing someone to continue in sin is not loving! In fact, to do so would be disobedience to Scripture. Therefore, each one of us can show our dignity as a woman by being both loving and confrontational. Being confrontational does not mean acting as our husband's conscience; but rather - as our text above said - we are to seek to restore him in a spirit of gentleness.

If you have any comments I welcome them. I do regularly pray for my readers and I am so thankful for each and every one of you. Go in God's peace and protection this week!

What An Adulteress Knows, Part 2: Biblical Femininity Vs. False Femininity

Mr. & Mrs. Woodrow Wilson in 1910

Writing to his wife, Ellen, President Wilson said, "What a source of steadying and of strength it is to me in such seasons of too intimate self-questioning to have one fixed point of confidence and certainty - that even, unbroken, excellent perfection of my little wife, with her poise, her easy capacity in action, her unfailing courage, her quick, efficient thought - and the charm that goes with it all, the sweetness, the feminine grace - none of the usual penalties of efficiency - no hardness, no incisive sharpness, no air of command, or of unyielding opinion. Most women who are efficient are such terrors." 


The first time I read this quote I was so touched by it! At first I thought that President Wilson must have been an extraordinary man to have written such incredible words of praise for his wife. However, after reading more about her, I realized that it was actually Mrs. Wilson who was an extraordinary individual; having earned this intimate place in her husband's heart. For us today she remains a beautiful example of what it means to be a helpmate; and furthermore a woman of excellence. 

"Her children rise up and bless her;

Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:

'Many daughters have done nobly,

But you excel them all.' " 

Proverbs 31:28-29

While I read many interesting things about her in my research, I particularly love one author's summary of her: "She was the perfect helpmate for an overly sensitive, often quarrelsome, and easily bruised husband." So there you see dear friend - Mrs. Wilson chose the higher road of being a good wife to a man that, well, sounds like he was a bit difficult! But this fact just makes their relationship all the more amazing. For despite his temperament, it's been said that President Wilson absolutely adored his wife. May I submit that it's likely because she lived out the two things in all of life that we wives should seek to perfect. Namely, respecting our husband and being truly feminine.

Now, as you know, we've been lately discussing the adulteress. She is by nature the very opposite of Mrs. Wilson. And in order for me to begin exploring the intriguing topic of Biblical femininity vs. false femininity with you, it is necessary to leave her behind. However, not before I tell you that I am actually indebted to such a woman. While it may seem a strong statement to make, I truly believe that if it weren't for my husband's affair I may never have discovered my transgressions in marriage. It's a sobering thing, but sometimes the Lord does allow consequences and bad things to happen to us when we continue in sin year after year. Of course He's not the author of such things, but in His mercy will use them to chastise and "wake" us from our slumber:

"Make sure that none of you suffers as a murderer, or thief, or evildoer, or a troublesome meddler; but if anyone suffers as a Christian, he is not to be ashamed, but is to glorify God in this name. For it is time for judgment to begin with the household of God; and if it begins with us first, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God? AND IF IT IS WITH DIFFICULTY THAT THE RIGHTEOUS IS SAVED, WHAT WILL BECOME OF THE GODLESS MAN AND THE SINNER? Therefore, those also who suffer according to the will of God shall entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right." (1 Peter 4:15-19)

As a recap, I will remind you that in the first of these two posts we learned how the adulteress draws married men into her web by use of flattery. We discovered that flattery is an evil substitute for the acceptance, appreciation, and admiration due a husband by his wife. When these things are lacking in a man's life and his wife has actually done damage to his masculine pride (which is that normal, healthy confidence in who God made him as a man) she had better understand that she puts her husband in danger of being vulnerable to such a woman. I think the teacher of the Fascinating Womanhood course I took may have said it best: "(She) should know that her husband is ripe for being wooed by the flatteries of an adulteress who knows well the art of bolstering a man whose pride has been damaged or wounded by his wife."


Now let's look at the second thing the adulteress woman does to attract married men to herself. It is her use of "feminine wiles." In short, she is a seductress. Now, let me say that using feminine wiles is not the same as actually being feminine. As we'll see shortly when we uncover what true femininity is, she is the polar opposite of this. And yet, sadly, she is the epitome of all this present culture promotes. We have now succumbed to such a low view of womanhood, and thus the art of being feminine, as to reduce it to little more than the power a woman possesses to seduce and triumph over man. Modern woman seeks to subdue her male counterpart not only in the sexual realm, but in every other realm traditionally dominated by him.


This indoctrination of women begins early on, continuing throughout childhood and into adolescence. Because this is not my main topic here - although it would be a fascinating one I'm sure - I will not spend much time expounding on this. However, let's consider just one indicator of cultural trends and attitudes - magazines aimed at teenage girls. 


The latest online edition of Seventeen, one of the most popular teen magazines, includes these headlines: Your Perfect Prom Hairstyle; Hot Guy Panel Exclusives; The Hottest Swimsuits for Summer; and Which TV Hottie is Your Perfect Match? Not to be outdone, Girls Life Magazine isn't promoting anything close to Biblical values either with articles such as: 100 Ways to Look Cute; Make Him Yours; and Score a Spring Break Bod. Unfortunately, these types of magazines were popular when I was a teen in the early 80s and I'm sure their history goes back even further than that. 


We must also consider, however, the false god of Hollywood. It would be a strong understatement to say that little moral encouragement comes out of mainstream film and television culture. Not merely an indicator of cultural trends; but rather Hollywood has become one of the strongest influences upon our present age, leaving us to conclude that it's no wonder we have entire generations of women and girls who are completely deceived about what it means to be a woman! I can't help but think this a sad reflection of the moral decline of a nation which once lifted up Judeo-Christian ethics as the backbone of society; of a nation where the Bible was once held in esteem. Oh how far we've come ladies!


And may I suggest that unlike days past when inspiring character development was of key concern, popular guidance and advice for young women now seem to fall into one of these broad categories: outward appearance, petty concerns, and pleasing one's appetites. Look again at those headlines and I think you'll agree. If all of this weren't enough, in the area of academics, we find that preparation for marriage and motherhood (remember "home economics?") has completely given way; while in its place has arisen education designed to "empower" young women in relationships, upper education, and the workplace. 


For some idea of just how much things have changed in the last one hundred and fifty years we need only to look at the themes of best-selling literature from the 19th century. Here we find many clues about societal ideals during that time. One such example is the book Little Women, written by Louisa May Alcott. Immensely successful both commercially and critically, Little Women was first published in 1868. Following closely on its heels was a companion volume, interestingly entitled Good Wives. (May I note here the sad irony of once having been a society where popular books bore titles extolling the virtue of being a good wife, to our contemporary one which glorifies smut on television such as Desperate Housewives. Truly such shows actually pervert the noble task of being a wife!) 


In the first of these two books by Alcott, the mother, endearingly referred to as "Marmee" by her coming-of-age daughters, tells them: "To be loved and chosen by a good man is the best and sweetest thing." No mention of outward beauty here! And especially notable is the implication of such a statement: not only the absence of the equality and even triumph over man heralded by today's feminism; but the honoring of that most beautiful, humble quality of esteeming men and seeking to become a suitable wife to one.


This conflict with Biblical values is at the very heart of this issue. False femininity is based on the worldly philosophy of feminism - that self-seeking, self-aggrandizing system of thought which views men as hurdles to be overcome on the way to greater self-fulfillment and realization. As feministic thought grew in the 20th century it began encompassing every area of life to include a new sexual "freedom" (and I think this would mean power over men in this arena); decisions regarding motherhood (including abortion on-demand); as well as the subtleties of competition against men in the working world. 


In the next post, therefore, we will begin to compare this ungodly way of thinking, looking at its various manifestations and the lifestyle it produces; against the qualities of womanhood the Bible mentions and which define for us what true femininity is. Lord willing I'll put it in a practical format which I hope will serve to really contrast the differences between Biblical femininity and false femininity.


I would have loved to do this all in one post dear sisters! But I realized that it will be much too lengthy if I try. Also, my husband's aunt just passed away and with family coming in to town for the funeral and such, my time is limited this week. Seriously though I can hardly wait to finish this up! I really have a heart and passion for these things and I want to share what I've learned with you. Please feel free to comment; or perhaps you have something you want me to share in the next post that would encourage or edify others concerning this topic. I'd love to hear from you!

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised." (Proverbs 31:30) Be a woman worthy of praise this week! 

What an Adulteress Knows (That Wives Need to Know)

Growing up did you ever get an 'F' on your report card? If you did, you probably remember the sting of humiliation that brought you. You received an 'F' because you failed that subject. While I never did get one of those dreaded grades, at least not on a report card, I have certainly failed at other things. 


For instance, I got a big, fat 'F' as a wife for the first 17 years of my marriage. You'd think I would have learned in that amount of time! Well, I didn't; but I'm a living testimony to the greatest teacher in the world today - our Lord Jesus Christ! When I finally sat at His feet and listened, He showed me how to be a good wife. But alas - I'm getting ahead of myself! First I'd like to tell you about the two things I failed to do and provide for my husband which eventually led us down the road to adultery. 

One Thing It's Not About

It is important, however, for me to stress something first so that we can hopefully eliminate at least one myth. A man who is unfaithful to his wife usually doesn't do so because the adulteress woman is drop-dead gorgeous. It's not as if he spots this beautiful woman whom his wife pales in comparison to, and so decides to pursue her. In fact, in many cases the opposite is true. Instead it's observed that the wife is actually more physically attractive than the mistress. While I want to be careful not to generalize too much, let me state that most of the time this comparison in looks is not a major factor in an unfaithful husband's thoughts or actions. My own husband told me that it didn't even cross his mind. As we'll see in a minute, it's not necessarily the adulteress's physical traits that attract a man, it's what she does and how she makes him feel.


Now, I don't want to beat a dead horse, but because they came to mind I'll give you a couple examples before we move on. So while I'm not really into following mainstream culture, I'm up on it enough to know that this phenomenon of the wife being more attractive than the mistress is common even in celebrity marriages. Two recent instances would be the affairs of Tiger Woods - whose wife is stunningly beautiful; and Jesse James, unfaithful to his wife, Sandra Bullock - who by comparison to her husband's mistresses, is a very classy lady indeed! 


So please, if your husband has been unfaithful and you're tempted to think it's because you're not as beautiful, remember these two examples. Just put that worry out of your mind! In fact, unless it was what society calls a "one-night stand," forget about physical attraction altogether. It truly is a small matter. I encourage you to soberly realize instead, dear sister, that adultery is usually much deeper than that. But there is an upside to that: We are born with our looks and other than losing weight or tweaking our appearance, we can only change so much. However, what we'll talk about in more detail later can absolutely transform us! It can affect every area of our hearts and life.


So let me start then by telling you that I've spent quite a bit of time studying who the adulteress woman is. I've looked at Scripture, as well as real-life, and noted some important things. In the last year I've had the chance to speak with different women whose husbands have been unfaithful, and I'm discovering that in each case their husbands' affair partner has a lot in common with the others. While this woman comes in every shape, size, color, and background, I think that we can draw some general conclusions about her. 


My purpose here in looking at these women is not so we may self-righteously exult ourselves. I've already admitted that I got an 'F' in Marriage 101. However, wouldn't you like to know why husbands can become attracted to them? If we could glean from this information, couldn't we also then help ourselves by first, learning from it, and second, applying what we've learned?

The Adulteress is a Failure, Too

Now, by the title of this section don't think for a moment that I mean she's a "loser." If you're in the beginning stages, or even in the midst of your spouse's adultery, it may be tempting to think of this woman in this light. Boy, don't I know it! I confess to you, dear sisters, that I had my share of unChrist-like thoughts toward the other woman for quite some time. However, as you experience the release of forgiveness, the desire to put her down will diminish along with a growing desire to see her through our Lord's eyes.

Perhaps you're wondering then what I mean by calling her a failure. Simply put, she's usually been around the block a few times, had her share of men, or however you want to say it - and it's not been pretty! While I stress again that to a degree I'm generalizing (but hopefully not stereotyping), there does seem to be this common thread among the "adversaries" of the wives I've talked to and have read about. This certainly was the case of the other woman in my marriage. Furthermore, it's not uncommon for adulteress women to be divorced, or in the process of going through a divorce. 


So then, enter your husband. He comes along and looks like a pretty stable guy. It could even be that she's known the two of you as a couple for some time and thinks it'd be pretty nice to have your life. In her mistaken notions, at least to some degree, she believes he's her knight in shining armor. She may or may not believe things would be different if she were with your husband, but she obviously is willing to give it a try. 


On the other hand, of course it's possible that none of the things I've mentioned are what motivate her. Having been hurt a number of times or presently in a painful relationship, she may just want to have the "pleasure" of ruining another person's good fortune. Sadly, this is just how some people think. A couple verses that demonstrate this are Proverbs 2:14, "(Those) Who delight in doing evil, And rejoice in the perversity of evil." And, "Doing wickedness is like sport to a fool." (Proverbs 10:23)  


However, the real bottom line is that whatever her motive (and there are literally millions possible) for going after a married guy, she's been a failure thus far. She would not have pursued your husband if this were not the case. Now, while it may seem like it, my intent here is not to thoroughly analyze the motives of an adulteress woman. I only wanted to briefly look at them so we could establish the fact that she has been a failure where long-term relationships are concerned. Building on that point then, we'll be able to see that while an overall failure, she actually does know something that you and I need to know. 


Before I get to her "secrets" though, I want to explain why I mentioned "long-term relationships" a moment ago. The reason is that because by contrast to her failure at lasting relationships, many adulteresses are expert at attracting men - at least for the short-term. I remember well having this very discussion with Aaron. It was early on in our marriage restoration when he told me that he had thought the other woman was pretty attractive when he first met her and "good" at attracting men. Without even thinking - though in retrospect I praise God that what I said was actually Biblical - I responded by blurting out angrily, "Well, of course she is! She's an adulteress!" 


So, what does this woman, the one the Bible calls the "evil woman," know? There are just two things really, so let's jump in and take a look at them now.

Admiration vs. Flattery

"To deliver you from the strange woman,

From the adulteress who flatters with her words." Proverbs 2:16

"For the lips of an adulteress drip honey

         And smoother than oil is her speech..." Proverbs 5:3

"To keep you from the evil woman,

         From the smooth tongue of the adulteress." Proverbs 6:24

These three verses spell it out in plain English for us - adulteress women are flatterers. One dictionary defined 'flatter' like this:) 1. To compliment excessively and often insincerely, especially in order to win favor; 2. To please or gratify the vanity of.  I'd like to zero in on something with you. It's the word 'insincerely,' used in the first definition. An adulteress does not truly admire or respect your husband or mine, but she will insincerely say flattering things to gain an advantage or "win favor" as it says. And over whom does she wish to gain an advantage? That's right - you and me. She's out to win the fight over this man. (And what could be more flattering to him than that?!) In summary then, here is the adulteress' first secret: She is an opportunist, aware of when a man lacks genuine admiration from his wife. Since she is not his wife, she can only give him a counterfeit of the real thing - what we call "flattery."

They say "Flattery will get you nowhere;" but the adulteress doesn't believe that for a moment! To her flattery does get her somewhere. Look again at Proverbs 5:3. It describes  with vivid word-pictures the way she entices a man: Lips that drip with "honey" and speech that's smoother than "oil." In ancient times, when Solomon penned these words, honey and oil were both valuable and desirable. But Solomon goes so far to say that her words are actually smoother than oil! It's as if he was saying that as valuable and desirable as oil is, her words are even better than this. (It's funny, but to my contemporary way of thinking I can't help but think she's also "slick" like oil - as in used-car salesman "slick.") 


Basically what we really need to understand is that an adulteress's speech sounds and feels good to a man deprived of genuine admiration in his marriage. It appeals to his flesh. But more than that, too. It appeals to a good side of his nature as well; the side of man that needs his wife to provide him with the respect that God Himself created him to need. Therefore, when such holy reverence is lacking, he becomes open to the evil flattery of a harlot.


Unfortunately most wives just don't realize all this. Like me for so long, they go about trying to change their husband, nagging, and criticizing; and ultimately they forget that they're not supposed to be head over their man. Instead, God placed the husband over the wife. When a wife usurps her husband's authority, there's a price to be paid!

"But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ." 1 Corinthians 11:3

Wives who have stepped outside their role also naturally fail to express acceptance, appreciation, and open admiration for their husbands as they should. Instead, the man in this situation feels like his wife holds him in contempt. You see, he takes things at face value. If she's always trying to change him and reminding him of his failures, then she must not like him for who he is. And really, you can't blame a guy for feeling this way! 


Now, whereas a wife holds within her power the ability to tremendously bless her husband and feed his soul with everything that is true and beautiful in God's sight; the adulteress, in the absence of this, has the ability to seduce someone's husband through her fake and insincere flattery. She offers him a counterfeit - and if he's hungry enough he'll fall for it. I believe such women seem to know this almost instinctively. It's as if their antennae are up, and they can spot a respect-starved man a mile away. They've learned to study men and have figured out that flattery is just the thing that will get them what they want.


I don't know much about the late writer and humorist Helen Rowland, but I think this quote by her contains a lot of wisdom: "A woman's flattery may inflate a man's head a little; but her criticism goes straight to his heart, and contracts it so that it can never again hold quite as much love for her." Oh boy - if that isn't a warning to us wives! Remember, the adulteress needs only to flatter a husband who's craving admiration and she'll have short-term success; giving this man just what he needs to develop an "addiction" to her and a schoolboy crush. That's why these types of relationships are so exciting to a cheating spouse and make him act like a thirteen year old boy rather than a grown man! Meanwhile, the unknowing wife, who continues in her ways, is making his heart become harder and harder toward her and his love wane or even cease to exist.


I know we'd like to think that even if we do criticize him or fail to admire him, he still doesn't have an excuse! And that's true, he doesn't. However, while we're on quotes I have another one for you to consider. This time it's by Debi Pearl from her book Created to be His Help Meet. Listen to what she says: "When a woman does not provide for her husband a comfortable nest and a reverent attitude, she has to rely on his goodness to 'keep him' faithful. She is a fool to expect him to be a good husband when she is not being the help meet God has created her to be. A man coming home to a tense or messy home, lousy meals, and a wife who is critical, might not have the 'goodness' to remain faithful if a sweet young woman at work seeks to pull him away with the promise (illusion) of a more fulfilling comfort zone."


Dear sister, could the truth be any clearer? We as wives have got to stop waiting for our husbands to somehow "earn" our respect! This idea of "Respect is something you earn" is from the world - not from the Lord! Instead, His Word tells us, "Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33) Remember - the Apostle Paul, who was writing in the wisdom of God, attached no conditions to these commands.


Therefore, just as our husbands are commanded to love us unconditionally - so we also are to respect them unconditionally. So your husband may be a first-class jerk, but you know what? God still calls you to respect him. He still calls you to die to yourself and meet his needs anyway. This is the truth I had to learn the hard way, as have countless other wives. I know some of you might say, "But how can I do this?! You don't know how awful he is!" You're right, I don't know nor will I ever. But one thing I do know and that's how incredibly AWESOME God is! Because of this, I also I know that you can respect your husband when you do it as unto the Lord! Let the reverence you show your husband be a direct manifestation of your reverence for God.


On the other hand, maybe your spouse isn't so bad. Maybe you've got a sound marriage. Or perhaps you would describe your marriage this way, but your husband would not. In the last year I've discovered that it's very common for a wife to feel everything is fine in her marriage and, without his wife's knowledge, the husband to feel the opposite. The reason for this may be that many times a woman is so taken up with the children and her own life (a real danger in homeschool families), that the husband is left feeling neglected or as if he's no longer number one. He longs to be his wife's hero, but instead ends up feeling more like a "zero!"  


I hope you're not doing this, dear sister. I hope your marriage is truly good, and your husband satisfied. However, if you're not so sure and there's a little doubt there, would you allow me to ask you a pointed question or two? Here they are: Have you given your husband any "soul food" lately? Have you taken care to intentionally safe-guard your marriage through the ministry of sincere acceptance (not trying to change him), appreciation, and especially ADMIRATION of your husband?


So how did you rate on these two questions? If you're not sure, you can always pray. Be assured that God wants to give you success as a wife and will identify for you any areas of shortcoming. In future posts we'll be exploring ways to respect our husbands that I believe will be both fun and exciting. We'll discover that it's not an impossible task, but something we can do one day and one step at a time.

God's Secret Weapon for Wives

Oh how I'd love to shout this message from the rooftops! Friend, it works! Respect really, really works and  has the power of God to change your man from a lying, cheating, and sneaking husband to one whose desire is to please God. I have seen it happen in my own husband's life, as well as in others I've recently met or have read about. Do you know why I said that it's the "power of God?" It's because this idea is not mine. Rather, it comes straight to us from the Bible and is His little secret weapon for wives:

"In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior."  1 Peter 3:1-2

I hope you'll grab a hold of this. The adulteress has just two things in her "arsenal." The first one, which we've been discussing, is flattery. We've read about it in the verses from Proverbs above. I've seen it play out in real life. In my own marriage, this is the way the other woman "lured" my husband in. She planned for when she'd see him again and then flattered him about his job. 

But we've also learned that we have a "missile defense shield."  We don't have to stand by just hoping and trusting in our husband's inherent goodness. We can keep him close to home and close to our heart through our own weapon - our respect. It is more powerful than we'll ever know. Aaron confirmed this recently when he remarked, "I really have a good wife now. You do so much for me. I have everything a man could want and more!"

The Second "Secret"

As much as I'd like to continue with this, I realize that this post is getting lengthy. However, before I conclude I'll give you a taste of the next post, which happens to be the second thing the adulteress knows. It is the power of femininity. But wait! We'll also discover that this, too, is only an illusion - a counterfeit. For she is anything but truly feminine. She is limited and only offers a man what I'm choosing to call "false femininity." This sort of person, the kind who wishes to ensnare a married man, resorts to using her best "feminine wiles." It's literally all she's got and goes only skin-deep.

Dear sister in the Lord - this is where we have a tremendous advantage! By contrast, we can exemplify Biblical femininity that is both true and enduring. It's beauty will not fade away. However, do we truly understand what Biblical femininity is? I thought I did - but I fell far short of the ideal. In fact, I still do; but I'm learning and relying on God's grace! 


Therefore, next time here on Oil of His Grace I'll be comparing these two very different things: true femininity versus false femininity. In addition, we'll see how today's world defines femininity very differently from the Word of God, and how it promotes that lie.

I'm really looking forward to it. I hope together we'll discover that being truly feminine is both a joy and a challenge. A good challenge though! And one that will really enhance our marriages.

Please, I invite your comments here so don't be shy! Or, if you prefer to speak to me privately, you may contact me by email at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. See you next time and until then, "May the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely..." (1 Thessalonians 5:23)