Identifying & Overcoming Obstacles to Healing - Part 2: Discouragement

I'm going to make a quick disclaimer here before I get any email or comments regarding whose "fault" it is when adultery happens. When I spoke about a wife's sin leading to the breakdown of her marriage in the last post, or again refer to it in this post, I am talking about women married to men who generally have had goodwill toward their wife. I do not speak of men of such low-character who are abusive, habitual and life-long adulterers.

Last time, as I began this series on obstacles to healing after adultery, I discussed disillusionment. If you'll recall, I said that disillusionment begins with a longing to return to what we believe was a "better time" in our marriage; ie, before the affair. Most often, however, this notion of how things were is only an illusion, a false perception, of the past. If we're truthful with ourselves, and more importantly with God, we discover that there was much wrong in our marriage and our hearts before infidelity entered the picture. It's at this point, the point where we realize that we contributed - perhaps greatly - to the breakdown of our marriage, that we must be sober and alert. The reason for this is that Satan, our enemy, would love to use this revelation to propel us into the next "D" (which I'll be talking about in a moment) and hinder us from moving forward.

Look with me if you will at 2 Corinthians 2:11, "...Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices." Now, in context Paul is discussing the issue of forgiveness and restoration in this passage from 2 Corinthians. However, the principle which we can, and indeed must, draw from the first part of this verse is this: Satan will use any situation he can (for he's the epitome of the word "opportunist") to defraud and take advantage of us. If he can rip us off of a lifetime-covenant, God-honoring marriage to the man we pledged ourself to, he will use any means to accomplish it. You see, above I said that he would use your disillusionment with the past to keep you from moving forward; but, in reality, he won't stop there. His real desire is to get us to give up on our marriage entirely. That is his ultimate goal. For this reason, we must be discerning, and, as the second part of 2:11 says, "...Not ignorant of his devices."

We've already covered one of those devices and I will get to the next one the Lord has laid on my heart in a just a second. First, though, I want to encourage you by sharing part of a beautiful email I received from a reader this week. I hope that you'll rejoice as I did, because it so perfectly illustrates the fact that as we face the past truthfully, with the light of God's Holy Spirit, it actually becomes the means to healing. As a little background, this dear lady was married many years and had grown children when her husband's emotional affair came to light. It's been almost a year since that time. Here's a quote from her email:

"Infidelity is something that NEVER even crossed my mind. Seriously! If you lined up every man I know, my husband would of been the last person I would of ever picked to do this. It is really hard to believe it has been almost a year. In some ways it seems like a lifetime and in some ways it seems like yesterday. As CRAZY as this seems, I WOULD NEVER GO BACK! Now I know God doesn't tempt us or cause us to sin but I also know he uses ALL things for my good and HIS glory!  I can't think of another way for HIM to get my undivided attention like this has. I will NEVER be the same."

Friend, I hope her words encourage you! God is so great! I'm reminded of a wonderful verse: "Who can utter the mighty acts of the LORD? Who can shew forth all his praise?" (Psalm 106:2) He truly does do mighty things in hearts and marriages - if we will just let Him!

So, without further delay let's go ahead and continue with our discussion of the four Ds as obstacles of healing. We will focus today on the second one. Since I believe this will end up a four part series, I hope you'll stay tuned.

Another "D" Word

2. Discouragement: Obviously I don't need to tell you what this one is. But I do have several things I'd like to point out in relation to it and your marriage restoration. While the first "D," disillusionment, is often one of the earliest obstacles we face in this process, discouragement is what may follow. Again, as I alluded to in the opening paragraph, this is partly due to a sense of being overwhelmed when we finally acknowledge our sin and responsibility in undermining our marriage. The other part, however, is that we may begin to feel as if our spouse is not doing their work in healing the relationship, or progressing the way they should. In this post, while we'll tackle aspects of both parts, we may for now conclude this: Disillusionment deals with issues of the past, while discouragement deals with issues of the present.

Let's explore discouragement, as it relates to marriage restoration, a little then. What does it "look like?" One helpful way to discover the answer is to examine our heart when considering this question. What I mean is to note the kinds of thoughts that go through our head when we're struggling with discouragement through the events of an ordinary day. This, I believe, will give us pretty good insight into what tendency we have in not only allowing them to enter our minds, but also in entertaining them.

To demonstrate, I'll give you a fictional scene from my everyday life. Then, I'll pick apart what my thoughts were to see if the same kind of thoughts and feelings have occurred when dealing with the state of my marriage. I believe this will give us a picture of what kinds of thoughts comprise discouragement, and what to watch out for. (Please note! The story below is completely made up - and perhaps a bit comical. I praise God that I don't have too many days where my thoughts run away like that anymore. However, it's worth telling you that before I came to recognize the following schemes of the devil, and the bent of my own carnal nature, I had many such days.)

Here's the scenario: To begin, on this particular day, I overslept and felt upset with myself for doing it. Because I was running late I had to skip devotions which I just hate to do because I never feel right when I miss them! Then, when I came into the kitchen I stepped on something wet - and slimy. Yuck! One of the cats threw up all over my new kitchen rug! (Did I mention that it was new?!) Just then something occurred to me. I thought to myself, "Wasn't Aaron just here a minute ago?! He must have seen it! Why didn't he clean it up?!" Now I was hurt and mad, with cat throw-up all over the bottom of my slipper. "He doesn't care about me! He never cares about anyone but himself! You know, come to think of it - why didn't he wake me up? He knew I wanted to get up by six o'clock." Storming to the bathroom where he was, I demanded an answer to these questions. I ended up having a fight with him.

Ten hours later - after two kids, who never cooperate, gave me a hard time during home school and the dishwasher broke (it seems like that thing is always breaking and, of course, the repairman can't come until next week!), I was tired and just wanted to sit down. But, my luck, I had a mountain of laundry to fold and supper to start. Because I was just so exhausted I thought I'd make something simple, maybe some pancakes. When I went to the pantry I about blew a gasket! "Who used up all the flour?! How can I make pancakes without any flour?!" In frustration I looked around and thought to myself, "Calgon take me away!" (If you grew up in the seventies there's a good chance you remember that commercial.) Finally, I shuffled into the living room, plopped myself on the couch, and cried out to no one in particular, "I give up! I can't do this anymore!"

Now, that was kind of silly. Not too far out there, though, that we can't analyze a few things about the way discouragement takes shape. The first thing we see is an inability to forgive oneself. Although in my example it was a minor thing to say that I was upset with myself for oversleeping, imagine with me what effect that type of thinking might have on my marriage, or yours, if either one of us were unable to let go of our past sins and mistakes. Especially those that relate to our failures to be a godly wife. Easily, this sort of bondage could make a wife want to quit trying and think to herself, "There's so much water under the bridge - what's the use?" 

My solution to this, however, is to be a follower of Jesus Christ! Now, what do I mean by this, you might ask? Remember, in John chapter 8, the woman who had been caught in adultery? What was it that Jesus said to her? He said, "I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more." (Verse 11) Therefore, if we've been forgiven by God we must be like Jesus and follow His example. We should not "condemn" ourselves any longer and neither should we continue to beat ourselves up. And, like this woman, because we've been forgiven by God, we have only to do one thing - go and "sin no more." It's as simple as that. Jesus didn't tell her to do penance; neither did He tell her she might as well just give up. No! In compassion He told her to stop doing the sinful and offensive behavior.

Friend, it's the same with us. Are you feeling miserable, perhaps, over some sin that you now realize you'd been committing against your husband that may have led him to look to another woman? I know, I know - I've been there! I felt horrible about it too. I felt as if I must have been about the worst wife around. But I chose not to stay in that place! You don't have to either. Get up now - the Lord will give you strength and He'll help you in your desire to become what you should be as a wife. It's not too late - don't you believe that for a moment! Believe instead the Scripture, "...Our God will count you worthy of your calling, and fulfill every desire for goodness and the work of faith with power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus will be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12) He'll do great things in you yet, because in changing you into a godly wife, He'll be glorified!

The second thing about discouragement is the tendency toward irrational thoughts. These are a killer! There are two examples of them in my fictional scene: 1) Extremes and absolutes as seen in, "He never;" "Two kids who never (cooperate);" and "The dishwasher that is always (breaking)."

Dear sister, be very careful of this type of thinking. Better yet, eliminate it altogether. No one is always this, or never that. To think or say that they are is both counter-productive to resolution, as well as judgemental. Hypocritically judgmental; such as the type of judgement Jesus opposed in Luke 6:42, "Or how can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother's eye." And in principle we must remember, "For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you." (Matthew 7:2) You see, just as you or I would be offended if someone judged us as always or never doing something, we too need to refrain from such judgements.

Honestly, these sort of things, which are usually said during heated encounters, remind me of yet another Bible verse: "There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword." (Proverbs 12:18) So then, recognize these thoughts - which often lead to words "like the thrusts of a sword" - when they accompany discouragement. Instead take them captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5) because they are judgemental and in opposition to the truth.

2) The second type of irrational thoughts is unreasonable expectations and/or accusations. While in the story above these were both destructive; how much more so in the context of healing a marriage after adultery. In the case of expectations, we tend to focus on our perception of how things ought to be, and in essence replace godly wisdom with worldly wisdom. But consider these verses: "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9) Also, James 3:15,17 which says, "This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic...But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy."

Let me encourage you to consider that God may be doing something in your spouse that you can't see; therefore, your expectations may be way out of line with the Lord's purposes and timing. Let's go back and look at just two of the qualities of godly wisdom ("the wisdom from above"). It says it "peaceable" and "reasonable." These are completely opposite to our expectations which usually promote strife and/or resentment, and are, many times quite unreasonable. 

Now, I doubt if I have to tell you how discouraging it would be to have such high standards for your spouse so that he never measures up. Ironically, though, that's what we often do. How much better it would be to pray and ask, "Lord, please examine my heart. Does this describe me? Do I have unrealistic expectations of my husband?" 

Certainly, though, someone may wonder if in the case of our husband helping to heal the wounds he inflicted by his adultery, aren't we justified in having high expectations? Well, yes and no. I would say that your spouse, if he's serious about getting right with God, should be demonstrating it by his commitment to working on the marriage. But again, there is some danger on our part  - for who are we to judge the degree, length of time, etc. to which he must do it? This one's hard - very hard; and we scream inside to have our way with it! In my case, I wanted my husband's repentance to look like "this," but you know what? It didn't. It never did. Therefore, I had a decision to make: Was I going to accept that and move on in my marriage? Or was I going to demand things be done my way and risk losing my husband altogether?

I finally decided that our marriage was being restored by JESUS, not by me, so I could let go of those expectations. I reasoned that Aaron belonged to God and chose to heed Paul's admonition to the Romans, "Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls; and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand. (Romans 14:4, emphasis mine)

Quickly, before I go on to the number three way of discouragement, let me say a word about the other type of irrational thinking - unfair accusations, which are tied to distrust. In recovering from an affair these are going to be natural. Let's face it, you will not gain back trust for a cheating husband overnight. But knowing this can be helpful. You can cut yourself a break by realizing you're not alone; this "dilemma," if you will, has been experienced by almost every betrayed spouse. Please know that it does take time - but that it also eventually gets better. There are steps you can take to help regain trust. For more insight into how to do this, please read my previous post on this subject entitled, Regaining Trust After the Affair.

Lastly, in connection to discouragement I need to talk about feelings. In my little scenario above, you might have noticed quite a few words pertaining to how I felt. For one, I was feeling very sorry for myself. Two, my feelings dictated my behavior. (Now I've stepped on some toes, haven't I?) Allowing myself to do these two things could certainly have been the cause for my ruined fictional day. Things sort of snowballed on account of my feelings. If that be the case then, I believe it's so important to keep our feelings in check while we're in the real battle against discouragement in our marriage restoration. The reason for that is that our feelings are neither accurate, nor trustworthy. They are shifting and constantly changing. Additionally, we are specifically told in God's Word not to walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. (Romans 8:4)

If we can't trust our feelings, what can we trust? The only thing we can reliably put our trust in is the Lord Jesus Christ. He is steadfast and never changes! (Hebrews 13:8) Dear friend, I encourage you to cast all your cares - your feelings, your anxieties - on Him, because He cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7) Armed with the knowledge of His care, you will be able to stand firm and do what's right, rather than being compelled to "obey" your feelings.

In addition to casting your cares on Him, purpose to "Watch over your heart with all diligence," knowing that, "from it flow the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23) All the while recognizing that Satan is conspiring against your marriage with the fiery dart of discouragement. You will need to be on special alert during times when you are physically and emotionally worn out; as well as times when you're unable to spend as much time with the Lord as you would like. Did you notice that in my little scenario both of these things were factors? Try and get adequate rest, therefore, and make Bible study and prayer your number one priority. Finally, know that Satan tries to get you discouraged in many ways, but three key ways we've discovered are through: 1) The inability to let go of our own past mistakes... 2) Irrational thoughts... and 3) Our feelings.

This has been a long post - sorry about that! I have such a heart to help someone who may be struggling with these things that sometimes I just get carried away. I would love to hear from any of you, and as always you may reach me privately by email: titus2homemaker@gmail.com. May we all seek God and hunger to know Him more and more this week!

Getting Ready: Stand in the Gap for Your Marriage!

Today I was looking on eBay and Etsy at wood signs and shelf sitters when I came across one that caught my eye. Maybe you've heard or seen the saying before. It said, "Faith is not believing that God can, it's knowing that He will." While not exactly the Biblical definition of faith - "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen," (Hebrew 11:1) - I think it's a maxim we should live by. It evidently is speaking of faith, but relates really well to prayer, the topic of this post. The question then, if this be sound wisdom, is how may we live it out and under what circumstances? I hope you'll join me now as I try to clarify that, as well as explore what God's Word says concerning this matter.

Since we are going on to prayer, it seems appropriate to first talk about the way in which we approach our Heavenly Father. Do we come, as the saying suggests, with hearts full of unwavering faith before His throne of grace? Or, do we sometimes bring our petitions to God while entertaining doubt about whether He will do it - or even if He can?

While either of these are real hindrances to prayer, and in particular, answered prayer, I know that I certainly have been guilty of both. In the case of the latter, I've prayed for a certain thing only to doubt, deep inside, that God could actually do the thing I was asking. Let me give an example that maybe you can relate to. Have you ever prayed for a family member's or friend's salvation but inwardly despaired, "I just don't think so-and-so will ever get saved! She's too far gone;" or, "His heart is too hard;" or maybe, "It would take a miracle?" Too often this has been my experience. I would pray, only to follow up with nagging thoughts like these. Sadly, what this boils down to is seriously underestimating God's power - the power of the One who created the heavens and the earth by His great power and outstretched arm! (Jeremiah 32:17)

In my case it seemed that the only way the Lord could help me overcome this sin of doubt was by giving me trials which developed total dependency on Him. In Psalm 46, verses 1-3, the sons of Korah remind us of the blessing of "trouble" by discovering God to be very real in those situations: "God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; Though its waters roar and foam, Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride." It's as if the writers of this psalm wanted to impress on our hearts that although all these catastrophes would be HUGE and POWERFUL, they're nothing, not even a shred, compared to GOD'S POWER!

Another passage for you and I to consider - and one I encourage you to read over right now if you have your Bible nearby - is Isaiah 40. This amazing chapter, when really meditated upon, will deepen our understanding of how great our God really is! We will become more aware of His holiness; and, in turn, of our lowliness. I think most of us, if we're truly honest, might feel as if the prophet's words stir in us a desire to strip ourselves of the pitifully low view of our creator God, and humbly cry out in fellowship with Isaiah, "Woe is me, for I am ruined! Because I am a man of unclean lips, And I live among a people of unclean lips; For my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts." (Isaiah 6:5)

However, perhaps nothing is so "faith building" than when we have nothing, and nowhere to turn, except to God alone. In the summer of 2009 this was the very place the Lord, in His mercy, brought me to. (If you're just joining us here, you can read the story of my husband's affair by clicking this link: http://oilofhisgrace.blogspot.com/2010/08/what-ive-learned-through-my-husbands.html ). All this reminds me of when Jesus asked the twelve, "You do not want to go away also, do you?” (John 6:67) Simon Peter, sort of being their unofficial spokesperson at times, answered Him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life." I believe that Peter understood by this point that they really had no where else to turn, so he went on and made this incredible statement of faith: "We have believed and have come to know that You are the Holy One of God." (Verse 69) Wow! That's just what our heart attitude should be. Our desperation of having no one else to whom we may go should likewise lead us to have that measure of faith.

If by chance you're reading this and find yourself in a difficult situation, with no earthly comfort, please rejoice as the Word tells us to do in James 1:2-4. Why? Because the Lord is going to use this to bring about the kind of faith in you that moves mountains! When once you've grasped the awesomeness and omnipotence of God, you'll begin to experience answered prayer at a greater level than ever before. This has been my testimony, and the testimony of so many of the great cloud of witnesses. (Hebrews 12:1)

Now, some thoughts occur to me concerning our faith and prayer. First let's consider the words spoken by Jesus in Matthew 7:7-11: “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. 9Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? 11If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" In these verses the Lord gives us what our hearts long for - an assurance that God does indeed hear and answer our prayers. In fact, notice how many times He uses affirmative phrases in verse 7 to emphasize this (I've italicized and bolded them for you above). "It will be given... you will find... it will be opened."

Similarly, verse 8 seems to repeat this pledge of answered prayer by explaining that there is a spiritual law concerning this: "...Everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; to him who knocks it will be opened."  Jesus didn't want us to miss the truth that we should confidently expect an answer to our prayer.

Now, let me also share something interesting from the Greek with you. (No - I'm not a Greek scholar [LOL!], but I did do a bit of research on this verse, and in particular the two verbs, lambanei and euriskei, here translated "receives" and "finds.") When used in this passage in the original language, both of these verbs are in the present active indicative. This means that, first, they are in the present tense - the action is taking place today, or right now. Additionally, according to the late theologian John Gresham Machen, "The indicative mood makes an assertion, in distinction, for example, from a command or a wish." In other words, the indicative mood indicates that the action is really taking place.

Now I don't know about you but I find that pretty exciting! This means that when we bring our petitions to God we are receiving, and when we seek Him we are finding Him. It's not some future event; it's happening now! I hope that by understanding a little more of what the Lord was trying to get across to us here, your faith and hope are beginning to rise. "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13)

However, as wonderful as this promise is, we need to balance this with other Scriptures which show us that there are certain prerequisites we must meet before we experience the blessedness of answered prayer. For starters, we've been discussing faith quite a bit here. We've discovered how seeing God for who He is can help us to believe that He can answer prayer, i.e., that He has power sufficient to bring about the things we ask. Now we must bring the subject of faith full circle and address how it affects whether God will give us what we ask. Again, while it's true that Jesus said we may have confidence in our prayers being heard, we must also consider what He says in Mark 11:22-24, "Have faith in God. Truly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him. Therefore I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you."

In this passage from Mark we see that our faith is directly related to whether we will be granted our petitions, or not. For the best explanation I've read on this let me quote from  Andrew Murray:

"Faith in the promise is the fruit of faith in the Promiser: The prayer of faith is rooted in the life of faith. And in this way the faith that prays effectually is indeed a gift of God. Not as something that He bestows or infuses at once, but in a far deeper and truer sense, as the blessed disposition or habit of soul which is wrought and grows up in us in a life of intercourse with Him." (Gained chiefly by having 'nowhere to turn, except to God!') "Surely for one who knows his Father well and lives in constant close intercourse with Him, it is a simple thing to believe the promise that He will do the will of His child who lives in union with Himself." - From "With Christ in the School of Prayer" by Andrew Murray

So we see from all this that faith is all-important in prayer. It enables us to believe that He can, and He will. We may gain this type of faith by: 1) Meditating on His great power, and 2) Knowing Him more intimately through total dependence and close intercourse with Him. However, look with me at the last sentence in the quote by Andrew Murray. He says, "He will do the will of His child who lives in union with Himself." This is an incredible statement. Many times when we think of prayer, we turn to the familiar scene where Jesus cries out in the garden, "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." (Luke 22:42) In light of this - this was Jesus praying, after all - how could Andrew Murray make such a statement?! It seems too bold, too presumptuous to expect anything like that.

Well, I'm going to leave you hanging. I hope, though, that I've got your curiosity up, maybe just a little. (Sorry, I'm being silly and teasing about that last part.) I would, however, love to cover this question right now but I'm afraid it really will have to wait since this post is getting long. While I'm in a bit of a playful mood here, I do want to tell you seriously that this topic is very "near and dear" to my heart. I'd love it if we all became intercessory prayer warriors! At the very least it's vitally important that we learn to stand in the gap in prayer for our own marriages - and, I dare say, for any that we know are in trouble. Satan is out to destroy the very foundation of our society, which is the family, and we must be ready to oppose him on our knees. Therefore, next time and Lord willing, we'll pick up with what the one other necessary "ingredient" to answered prayer is. Hope you'll join us!

What I've Learned Through My Husband's Affair

For the last several weeks I've had a draft which I started to write that deals with abortion, but each time I go to work on it I feel "nudged" to write about my husband's affair instead. I'm not sure why that is, but if it's God then I want to be obedient!

Anyway, I think what I really want to do is share some hope through these next few posts. I can hardly believe it's already been over fourteen months since that ugly morning I found out about the other woman in my husband's life. And yet, in a good and healthy way it seems an eternity ago too. I think that's because the marriage I have now is vastly different than the relationship I had with Aaron before his affair. Vastly better! I honestly believe that this can be the outcome of anyone - man or woman - who seeks the Lord earnestly and is willing to "stand in the gap" on behalf of their marriage.

Since I tend to get a little long-winded (sorry!), I want to share the things that I've learned in the face of adultery over several posts - each week focusing on one point. At any time during this series please feel free to contact me by private email if you're in this situation and need encouragement, titus2homemaker@gmail.com. While I had wonderful, godly friends who stood by me, whose help was immeasurable, at times I really felt like I needed to talk to someone who had been there. To a woman who could relate. Since none of my friends had experienced infidelity, it was hard for them to understand the depth of what I was going through. For that I relied on books and the Internet. Later on I will share some of those resources and ministries that helped me to keep going. Right now though, I want you to know that I'm praying for those of you facing this trial who might be feeling like you can't go on another day. If I can help, it would be my pleasure to be your "listening ear," as well as a partner in the battle for your marriage.

For me, the day I found out about my husband's "friend" was one of the most painful in my life. Like many people in that circumstance, I saw the warning signs but never thought infidelity would rock my world. After all, we were Christians! We believed in commitment and the permanence of marriage. Unfortunately, words just don't mean much. Adultery does happen in Christian marriages and at an increasingly alarming rate.

In our relationship, the months prior to Aaron's revelation were very lonely ones. We had really drifted apart and spent little time with each other. I was focused on the kids while my husband seemed to grow more and more selfish. He spent a great deal of time exercising and grooming. It got to the point where he skipped family meal times so that he could go running. He spent so much time in front of the mirror that I remember thinking he was worse than a teenage girl. I felt frustrated with the lack of interest he showed the children and me, but I had no idea what to do about it. Whenever I approached him to talk he always seemed so angry. Eventually I gave up trying because I felt worse after I did. Added to all this I was insecure because his sexual desire for me had completely died as well. To help myself I tried to reason that he was probably just stressed out and tired from work. Of course, most of all, I hoped that things would get better sooner or later.

However, the thing that was really shocking, and made me feel afraid, was when he began holding views and opinions that were totally contrary to Scripture. For the first time in our seventeen year marriage he was saying things like he was sick and tired of being good and "following rules." He expressed regret for not having sown wild oats as a young man and for keeping himself sexually pure! I was hurt and bewildered by these statements; I just couldn't understand it! I remembered back to a conversation he had had with our oldest child only months before where he had shared some great nuggets of spiritual wisdom. My mind screamed out, "Could this really be the same man?!?"

After learning the truth about his affair, my husband's irrational behavior brought to light my first vital discovery: God never changes. My husband may change, but God never will. Simple enough truth, but when I grasped it in its fullness it became a soul anchor for me. Because He remains the same, you and I can rely on His faithfulness. He will not, nor can He, let us down! Our Father is our refuge. If you are experiencing the heart-wrenching trial of marital unfaithfulness, I cannot emphasize enough the primary importance of an intimate relationship with God. 

You must seek Him now in ways you may never have before; spending more time in prayer (which I will expound on more in an upcoming post) and in the Word than at any time in your Christian walk. It will also mean a radical change of perspective if He has not truly been your all-in-all. This is especially true if you have inadvertently made your husband the center of your heart and affections. You do not "...live, and move, and have (your) being," (Acts 17:28) in your spouse - you do those things in Him! Please believe this. Don't lose sight of this truth!

"In Him (you) live." First, realize your living and your life consists of more than just your marriage. If you're in the throes of adultery all you may want to do is ruminate about your spouse's behavior; but let me encourage you to get your focus on Him first, and then on all the other blessings in your life. Secondly, let me ask you a question. Does it ever hurt so bad that you have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning? It certainly did for me. But look what it says in that verse - "In Him (you)...move." Did you catch that? You move in Him. You CAN get up and get moving because you are in Christ, if He's your Savior. (If you don't know Jesus then please go to the following link which will tell you how you can: http://www.godssimpleplan.org/gsps-english.html.) Assuming however that you are, consider finally that your entire being is "in Him." A great way to meditate on this is to begin a topical study of all the verses in the New Testament which speak of being "in Christ" or "in Him." You will be really blessed!

Now, going back to my original point - there are just a TON of Scriptures that illustrate that God never changes and that He is your refuge. I truly believe the most meaningful ones to you will be those God leads you to; however, let me share just a few that really comforted me:

Deut. 31:8 - "And the LORD, He it is that doth go before thee; He will be with thee, He will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed."

Deut. 33:27 - "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms: and He shall thrust out the enemy from before you; and shall say, 'Destroy them.' "

Psalm 27 - The entire Psalm (God gave this to me on the morning I found out about the affair), but of special significance was:

Psalm 27:10 - "For my father and my mother (my husband) have (has) forsaken me, but the LORD will take me up."

Psalm 63:8 - "My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me." (I would cry out this verse over and over whenever I felt overwhelmed.)

Isaiah 54:17 - " 'No weapon that is formed against you will prosper; And every tongue that accuses you in judgment you will condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, And their vindication is from Me,' declares the LORD."

Romans 8:31 - "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?"

Colossians 3:3 - "For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God."

Next time we will dig into the second thing God showed me about Himself. It was the truth that literally saved my marriage! I can't wait to share that part of my story with you because His ways are SO AMAZING! He loves you and so do I.

My Abortion Story, Part 3 - Set Free

Allow me to start this last section of my story by telling you that there truly is hope for every woman out there who has had an abortion. It doesn't matter who you are or where you've been. Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and He will set anyone free who wants it! He said in John 8:32 (the first verse I memorized after becoming a Christian), "...You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." So before you get to my story below, check out this video by my favorite Christian band, Casting Crowns. The song is called "Every Man" and recently I noticed the wonderful lyrics that relate to post-abortive women. It says, "I am the woman shamed and haunted by the cry of unborn life," no doubt referring to a woman who's aching with regret over her decision to abort; but at the end of the song it has the life-giving, encouraging words, "There is hope for every man, A solid place where we can stand, In this dry and weary land, There is hope for every man.  There is love that never dies, There is peace in troubled times, Will we help them understand, Jesus is hope for every man."

Casting Crowns - Every Man from Casting Crowns on Vimeo.

Fast forward seven years. It was 1994. I was now married and my first child was just over a year old. The little town where we lived was having its annual festival and I was excited to put him in his stroller, walk around and take in the events.


During the course of the day I ran into many people I knew. Glancing up at one point I saw a lady I was acquainted with because I had designed the brochure for the crisis pregnancy center where she was director. With a warm smile she came over to say "hi." While we chatted, she began telling me that the Lord had something new for her and she was resigning her position at the center.


At first, I didn't think too much of it. Then I got that strange, tingly feeling. Soon I had the distinct impression that this meeting was a "God thing." She was telling me that they needed to find a new director. I was dumbfounded. I wondered why it felt like God was nudging me! I wasn't looking for a job. I was a stay-at-home mom. Besides, I didn't qualify to be the director of anything. I was wrestling through all this inwardly while she was talking. And then the question came to my mind - unbidden - What's today's date?


"Oh NO!"  My thoughts tumbled around in my head as I tried to be sure. It was May 16. "Oh yes, child, it's that date," the gentle Voice said. The anniversary date of my abortion. The lady, Barb, unaware of the conflict raging inside my head, suddenly asked, "Do you think you'd be interested? I think you would do a great job." Looking at me intently, she waited for my response. "Um yes, I think I would be interested," I heard myself say. Unable to shake the feeling that this was a divine appointment, I agreed to fill out an application and submit my resume.


Two months later, as the new Executive Director of our local crisis pregnancy center, Barb was working with me to train me in. Up until that point, other than the people directly involved in my abortion, my husband was the only one who knew about it. However, now Barb and the Board members of the center also knew. Well, what was I supposed to do? Lie? It had been a question on the application. "Have you ever had an abortion or advised someone else to have one?" YES on both accounts! Hopefully they won't hold that against me I had thought. After all, that was before I was a Christian. On this particular afternoon though it was on Barb's mind and she asked me a pointed question: "Have you gotten healing for your abortion?"


So I told her the truth. That I had specifically repented of it when I got saved, but beyond that I hadn't given it much thought. And that was the truth - I really hadn't given it much thought because I didn't want to think about it. It was too painful. Much too painful. 


Walking into the second room of our offices, she pulled a book off the shelf, handed it to me and asked if I would be willing to let her go through it with me. It was called, "Forgiven and Set Free" by Linda Cochrane, a Bible study written by a woman who knew first-hand what it was to have an abortion. I stared at the book in my hands. God was there with me in that moment. He was stirring me to new possibilities, new hope. And just like that, it was the beginning of my healing and restoration.



Over the next months we worked faithfully together on the book. I discovered more about God than I had ever known. I grew to love Him with a greater fervency and, more importantly, to understand His indescribable love for me in new and profound ways. Once again, I longed for God and His Word in ways that I hadn't since I was first saved.


The second thing that happened, however,was that I began to understand that what I had been going though was grief - and that grief is a process. It's a unique journey for everyone. You and I can both be post-abortive, but the way that experience will manifest itself in our lives can be totally different. I believe that much of that has to do with the individual things (past sins/idols of our hearts) that God desires to clean up in us in order to move us to freedom. For me, all the ways my abortion had affected me and colored my thinking was a slow process of discovery. Like a creature with many tentacles, it had reached its ugliness into nearly every area of my life. It took time to untangle all that. Those were the places where only God's illuminating light could reach and, eventually, redeem.


If you're reading this and are post-abortive, let me just stop and say right here - He CAN and He WILL do this for you too! He delights to do this for you. Believe what the Scripture says. In Isaiah 61, verse 1 it says of the Lord's Servant (Christ Jesus Himself), "He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, and freedom to prisoners." So are you broken-hearted today?  He will bind up and heal your broken heart. He will do it for you, just as He did for me, because it glorifies Him to bring to pass in your life the very things these verses in Isaiah say He came to do. 


However, maybe you don't think so - you don't feel you're broken-hearted. Is it possible you're in denial about it and instead are the prisoner He came to proclaim liberty to? Trust me - I know how it is to be a Christian and say that everything's okay. To actually think that it's unspiritual to say we need anything beyond our salvation in regard to our abortion. Or how about this one - to say that we've become caught up in psychology (psychobabble?) if we want healing? Yes, I know - and agree! - there is a lot of psychology mumble-jumble that has crept into the church today. I completely renounce that. 


God's healing, however, is not psychology. It's knowing and being able to apply His Word to our life, to the deep places of our heart. If we are to adhere to Paul's instructions in Ephesians 6:1 of being "strong in the Lord and the strength of His might," how do we do it but by really knowing His Word? The last piece of armor spoken of in this passage is the "Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God." While all of the armor is important to stand firm against the schemes of the devil (verse 11), it's the Word in particular that we use as a weapon. By being filled with the Word we will know the truth and be able to defend ourselves against lies. If you've had an abortion, Satan will use every tactic in his book to defeat you by reminding you of that fact. He will heap guilt and shame on you. He will tell you that you're not as good as other Christians - etc., etc.
 
So what do you say - is it possible you need healing? For example, do you tell yourself over and over to forget about your abortion? Do you experience physical or uncomfortable feelings when abortion is mentioned in public? Do you find yourself avoiding books, magazines, or TV programs that deal with the subject of abortion? While these are just a few, they're good questions that can help you get started in thinking about your own experience and need.


Anyway, once I began to sense myself really moving forward I also sensed God doing something else. It was time to tell my story publicly. You see, for some time I had been sharing the ministry of the center at various churches, but never really sharing anything personal. Now I knew the time had come - and I was a nervous wreck! What would people think of me? What if they rejected me? Judged me? Disliked me? Oh, how fear gripped me! I thank the Lord though that He told me to get up - to stop being beaten down with false shame. He had delivered me from shame and guilt because His work on the cross was complete. Did I doubt that? Finally, He reminded me He had called me to this. I memorized 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."


With a little trepidation I stepped up to the podium the first time to share the story of my abortion. It was a National Day of Prayer event and I had been invited to speak. I knew the time was right and as I told my experience I found I grew increasingly at ease with it. I had the peace of God. I also had the attention of the audience; all but one that is. She got up in the middle of my speech, stomped down the aisle, and slammed the door on the way out. Ouch! I don't know what her problem was but I remember thinking that she was probably post-abortive too!


There was still One More Thing that I needed to do to be completely healed but it came about four years later. The Board at the center where I worked had just decided that we needed to add a post-abortion ministry. There was a training seminar out west that spring and they thought I should go. I agreed but wanted a board member to go with me. They chose to grant my request and unanimously decided that our president, Caroline, should be the one. She smiled and said she would like that. The only problem was that she was having her own battle inside that none of us were aware of.


A short time later, probably within a week, she told me privately that she was also post-abortive; she had had two abortions during her college years. Wow, was I surprised! Her? She looked like a mature Christian woman who had it all together! Only then did I begin to realize that there is no "stereotypical" post-abortive woman. They come from all walks of life. Her problem though? After nearly twenty years of marriage her husband had no idea his wife had had any abortions! Do you see the secretiveness of it? The insidious way Satan uses it to keep us from true intimacy and transparency?


She knew she couldn't go until she had told him. Together we agreed to pray about it. Then one day the opportunity opened and she confessed what was long hidden away. It was absolutely wonderful! The grace he extended to her and the way he received it were a beginning to her healing. After she told him he replied, "I always felt like there was something between us, but now I know I have all of you."


Remember I said there was One More Thing? At the time I didn't know I needed it, but it came as Caroline and I went to the conference. We went through all the sessions, which were informative and exciting, and then came the final day. A memorial service. All week I had felt the Lord pressing on me. Besides being informative, the conference was also very emotional for most of us in that room. There were Kleenex boxes on each table for the attendees. For the first time, during that week, I had the distinct impression that the child I had aborted was a girl. God gave me a name - her name. Sylvana. I had never heard that name before, but I knew it belonged to my child, who was safe in the arms of Jesus. At the very end of the memorial service was a "Gathering of the Roses." Each person who so desired went silently forward to pick up a rose in memory of a child or children who had been aborted.


That was it. I needed closure and I got it that beautiful day. You should have seen Caroline and I guard those roses like mother hens on the flight home! We must have looked awfully funny to the other passengers.


Since that time she and I both have worked with a number of post-abortive women, going through that same Bible study I did sixteen years ago. It's been both a wonder and a privilege. We've seen so many miracles and incredible things that God has done.


So, what about you? What can you do if you've had an abortion and are hurting? The following things are some practical steps you may want to take right now:


1. Recognize and believe that God wants to heal you. Seek God in prayer; cry out to Him and don't be afraid. He already knows what's in your heart so there's no use hiding or holding back from Him. Then use a topical Bible - Nave's Complete Word Study Topical Bible is a great one - to do a study on God's healing. I don't believe it's always his plan to physically heal us, but I believe His Word is clear on spiritual healing. It's an aspect of His divine power granting to us all things pertaining to life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3), of being in Christ, and being a new creature (2 Cor. 5:17). Additionally, the concepts of restoration and redemption are great keys to further your understanding.


2. Consider confiding in someone you trust. I know this is really hard. Pray about it though. If you do decide to tell someone and you're a Christian, this should be a sister in the Lord. If you're married, please ask the Lord how and when to go about telling your spouse. You definitely want to show respect to your husband and not just "dump on him." Proceed carefully and only with wisdom from the Lord.

The person you do confide in should be committed to praying for you. This is the reason for your confiding in them. This can be tremendously encouraging - don't underestimate the power of prayer!


3. Find a post-abortion ministry in your area. Ramah International is a Biblically sound ministry with a list of local ministries across the U.S. and internationally. Their website is: http://ramahinternational.org/. Sydna Masse, president and founder of Ramah, has a book entitled, Her Choice to Heal: Finding Spiritual and Emotional Peace After Abortion, which is also an excellent resource.


4. If you can't join a group, you can go through a Bible study with a friend. This is just what I did with Barb. While there's a lot of benefit in getting together with other post-abortive women so that you can relate and share experiences, having one person who cares and is willing to invest the time with you can be wonderful as well.


5. Read Christian novels that contain realistic and encouraging themes related to abortion. Two that I highly recommend are: "Tilly" by Frank Peretti and The Atonement Child by Francine Rivers. Both use discretion and are tastefully done. Also, in addition to novels, there are many books that are the testimonies of women who have healed from abortion. These can be wonderfully uplifting as they describe God's faithfulness in others' lives.


I've listed just a few small steps you can take to get started. In future posts here I will hit on key issues of grieving and the post-abortive woman. As always, please feel free to contact me privately if you need someone to talk to. Email me at titus2homemaker@gmail.com.


"What a wonderful God we have - He is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the One who so wonderfully comforts us and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does He do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us."  2 Cor. 1:3-4 TLB