Does Your Husband Need to Change? Wives, God is More Able Than You!

Okay, so maybe I'm stepping on some toes with the title of this post! Sorry, but I've got to be honest - some of us are trying to change our husbands and shouldn't be. How do I know this? Because I've been guilty of it, too! So let me ask a blunt question. How's that working out for you? Does your husband respond well to your criticism or complaints? How about your "helpful suggestions" or "loving correction?" If I had to guess I would bet that he responds like mine - not too well! 


Since I'm assuming that most of my audience are Christians, I'll begin with a couple verses that might be commonly used as objections to a wife "keeping quiet." The first one I'm thinking of is the verse that says we are to "speak the truth in love..." (Ephesians 4:15). Many have quoted this verse to support the idea of mutual accountability. Others go further by adding Ephesians 5:21, "And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ." I hope to show you, however, that a closer look at these verses puts them both into context for us.


First, in Ephesians 4, we see from the passage surrounding verse 15 that Paul is speaking of the church attaining to "the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man," etc. He is desiring that the teaching of true doctrine continue so that these things will happen and believers will not be "tossed here and there by waves." 


In verses 11-12 Paul tells us whom was to carry out this teaching and the desired result of such teaching - that each member of the body become equipped for service and also able, as we've read in verse 15, to "speak the truth" (sound doctrine) with one another: "And He gave some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ." (Ephesians 4:11-12) 


Paul meant for these men of God, called to serve in the various offices of the church, to exercise the gift of teaching the truth so that the congregation would be enabled to encourage one another in these truths. The leaders' teaching was to be repeated among all believers so that none would become as children -tossed around, believing every new wind of doctrine and being led astray. "As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming." (Verse 14)


It must be concluded that nowhere in this passage do we see any connection to, or encouragement of, wives admonishing husbands. We must be careful not to add that in! Please don't read into this passage what would be entirely contrary to Scripture that so clearly tells us of the quiet attitude that God intends us wives to have. (See 1 Peter 3:1-4) Therefore, let me be emphatic: Ephesians 4:15 does not give any one of us license to hold our husband to account, keep him in line, or straighten him out!


Secondly, we have Ephesians 5:21. At first glance this verse looks like what many women hope for - a way of "equalizing" things a bit. Again, let's look at it in context. In this passage, beginning with verse 15, Paul tells us how believers are to encourage one another. In verse 21 he ends it summarily by saying that we are to submit to one another. However, he doesn't leave it to chance that we would misunderstand him. He wants us to understand the order of things. In the very next breath, by way of explanation, he tells us what that submission is to look like: 

"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself." (Ephesians 5:22-28)

Do you see? Your submission, dear wife, and your husband's "submission" are lived out in different ways. Both are distinct and important in building each other up.

Now that we hopefully have cleared that up, let's move on to what trying to change your husband will do - and, in the next post (hopefully soon), what you can do instead!

Wanting Him to Change Equals Discontent

Here's the point I want to make from the outset: Your attempts at changing your husband equals discontent. I don't care how you or I try to justify this, it just does! It doesn't matter that you think you're trying to "help him;" or whether you actually know that you just want him to different - both are manifestations of a discontent spirit.

So what does this mean for us when we find ourselves in this boat? What does it do? I want to look at that now; for I believe the result is that it hurts our two most important relationships:

1) With God - The discontent we demonstrate by trying to get our husbands to change is actually evidence of a deeper problem. That problem is unbelief. And so we must ask - what warning does the Scripture give concerning this? For the answer let's look at Hebrews 3:12, "Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God."

About this verse Barnes' Notes on the Bible says: "The word 'unbelief' is used to qualify the word 'heart,' by a Hebraism - a mode of speech that is common in the New Testament. An unbelieving heart was the cause of their (the Israelites') apostasy, and what worked their ruin will produce ours. The root of their evil was 'a want of confidence in God' - and this is what is meant here by a heart of unbelief. The great difficulty on earth everywhere is a 'want of confidence in God' - and this has produced all the ills that man has ever suffered. It led to the first apostasy; and it has led to every other apostasy - and will continue to produce the same effects to the end of the world."

So you see, the discontent you or I feel toward our husband, and the subsequent desire for  "helping" them to change, really stems from what Albert Barnes here referred to as "a want of confidence in God." When we step into the place of correcting, admonishing, or more subtly, of dropping hints, we have moved from entrusting our husband to God - to trusting in ourselves. In the former we (rightfully) give the care of our husband over to God; in the latter we rely on ourselves to look after him. 


And, it must be added, if we do end up doing the latter, we will inevitably begin the process of what the writer of Hebrews warned us about. If you don't remember, look back at the verse above to see what he said about unbelief. Do you see it? It will lead us to "fall away." Those are strong words, my friends! Now, I don't think any of us who call ourselves Christians really intend to do this. We don't mean to be controlling and trusting in ourselves; we don't mean to be unbelieving and endangering of our spiritual lives. Unfortunately, however, that is exactly the risk we take when we operate outside God's "guidelines" for the behavior of wives. Slowly, sometimes imperceptibly, through the subtleness of this sin, we harden our hearts through unbelief.


Of course the end result of this is that it will greatly hurt our relationship with the Lord. And do you know what He will do in relation to this? Look with me at another verse from Hebrews: "For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” (Hebrews 12:6) So, my friend, I beg you to save yourself much pain and grief - please reconsider your course if you find yourself doing any of the following:


1. Telling your husband how he ought to change
2. Pointing out his faults (I will share a better way to deal with this in the next post.)
3. Belittling him and/or his opinions
4. Manipulating situations meant for his "instruction." Things such as bringing home movies with a message you think he needs to hear; arranging beforehand for a person to bring up a certain subject in your husband's presence; or leaving books, pamphlets, or articles opened up where your husband will see and (hopefully) read them. (Okay - guilty here!!)
5. Questioning "why" he does things with the implication that his choice is wrong
6. Pressuring him to do things your way


There are countless other ways you and I try to change our husbands but, again, all these things will surely lead us away from God. Instead they will increasingly move us toward further unbelief and ultimately toward idolatry of ourselves as we attempt to sit on the throne - the throne meant for God alone! Dear sister - if you find yourself in this place today - again I implore you to quickly repent and trust God instead.


2) With Your Husband - Your marriage over time will suffer as you try to change your husband. In fact, I'm not trying to scare you but quite a few women I've talked to whose husbands have had affairs said that, before the affair happened, they always felt like their husband needed to change or "shape up." Now, when a wife is feeling that way it's very hard not to act on it for what we think in our hearts becomes known in our words and actions. Jesus said it this way: "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." (Matthew 12:34) So you see, if we continually entertain thoughts about our husband's need to change, of his "deficiencies," we will end up waging a war of words against him...I know because I, too, was one of those wives. 


Most important in your relationship with your husband is how he will interpret your discontent with him. Two ways come to mind: 


1) He will feel that you disdain him. This feeling will be strong if you are very persistent in your efforts at changing him. He may become tempted to "look elsewhere" for reassurances. This is why the Bible tells us that the adulteress woman is a flatterer. She knows the need of man to have someone admire him and at least appear to respect him. 


2) He will perceive your discontent as disrespect. To a man this is HUGE! In the book For Women Only - What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by author Shaunti Feldhahn, she tells of the survey (and extensive interviews) she conducted of hundreds of men. One question on the survey was eye-opening to her. It read, "Think about what these two negative experiences would be like: to feel alone and unloved in the world OR to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone. If you were forced to choose one, which would you prefer?" Overwhelmingly - three out of four men (74%) - said they would choose "alone and unloved;" while just 26% said "inadequate and disrespected." 


You see then, respect is as essential to a man as love is to a woman. Respect is simply not to be overlooked by God-fearing wives! The subject of respect, in fact, is the very reason I am writing these posts. I want to help wives understand what respecting their husbands "looks like" and how to live that out (see the poll on the sidebar for a glimpse of how many readers here feel they need insight into this). I truly believe these teachings will help build marriages and make happier and more contented wives, too.


Additionally, we should consider how your husband may respond to feeling your disdain and disrespect. We've already briefly looked at one possibility. Of course, not every husband who feels disrespected is going to choose adultery; but still, you may be sure that he will respond in some way. More often than not he will begin to build a wall which Helen Andelin in Fascinating Womanhood calls "his reserve."


Basically, a man's wall of reserve is his attempt to protect himself from the pain of humiliation. He may appear to his wife to be closed up, unwilling to talk, or just plain distant. Additionally, a husband may respond by having cooled feelings toward his wife. When she openly suggests he needs to improve he may reject her altogether. Obviously, any of these responses are hurtful and harmful to both partners in the marriage. 


Let me conclude, therefore, with a confession. I certainly have my own struggle in this area. It's not so much that I think negatively about my husband (like I used to do); rather it's that I read, see, or hear things that I feel sure would "help" him! (Just a little bit of pride here!) I recently told a friend that it's not God's strength to do something that I'm praying for; it's His strength to not do something that I need - namely, to keep from saying things! 


If you can believe it, just now as I was sitting here writing this post, my dear husband called and told me that he isn't going somewhere tonight I really hoped he would. I thought it would be spiritually encouraging to him. So, guess what I did? I reminded myself that I'm a new "me" and sweetly replied, "Whatever you want to do, honey."  Now, was that easy? NO! I wanted to tell him that I thought he should go. But I know that would have only brought discord. Totally not worth it!


So friend, if you've stuck with me this far and you're finding that you need (like me) to guard yourself against this common tendency in wives of pressuring their husbands to change, I ask you to stay tuned in to this blog. Next time I'll help you to discover godly ways that will encourage your husband to change. All without you ever saying a word of disrespect - or stepping outside your God-given role as helpmate!


If I can be of any assistance to you at all, or if you need to speak with me privately, please feel free to contact me by email at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. May all of you go in peace this week!

Examples of Fascinating Women from Literature

Since reading the classic book Fascinating Womanhood I find myself examining other literature for women who embody the essence of a fascinating woman. In her book author Helen Andelin describes two sides of the ideal women from a man's point of view; what she calls the "Angelic Qualities" and the "Human Qualities." 


The first half of Fascinating Womanhood deals with the Angelic qualities of a woman, particularly focusing on understanding men and their needs. Among these needs are the need for acceptance, appreciation, and admiration - things which I believe coincide beautifully with the mandate of Scripture that tells wives they must respect their husbands:


"Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33)

The second half of the book deals with the woman herself. Such things as having radiant happiness, a worthy character, and understanding her own feminine nature. These qualities, of course, are all reflected in the well-known passage of Proverbs 31:10-31.

Imagine then my delight a couple weeks ago when two women, each exemplifying one side of the fascinating woman, nearly jumped off the page at me in separate books! Let me explain. In my personal devotion time I've been going through John Piper's book Desiring God for a second time. I first read it about fourteen or fifteen years ago but one day recently, as I was rummaging through a box of books, I was excited to rediscover it. Perusing through its pages, I hadn't gotten far (in fact only through the preface of my "tenth anniversary edition") when I read these words, written to his father: 


"The dedicatory words I wrote in 1986 are still true ten years later. I can recall mother laughing so hard at the dinner table that the tears came down her face. She was a very happy woman. But especially when you came home on Monday." (His father was a traveling evangelist.) "You had been gone two weeks. Or sometimes three or four. She would glow on Monday mornings when you were coming home. 


"At the dinner table that night (these were the happiest of times in my memory) we would hear about the victories of the gospel... Holy and happy were those Monday meals. O, how good it was to have you home!"


Amazing! Now just what quality of hers do you think really jumped out at me? Yes, of course - John Piper's mother was a radiantly happy woman - and her children and husband were incredibly blessed by it. I also hope you noticed - as I did - that his mother didn't appear to harbor any self-pity over her husband's long absences. In fact, she seems to have portrayed complete contentment in her circumstances, as well as a steadfast support of her husband. She hung on his words and taught her children to do the same. What a fascinating woman Mrs. Piper must have been!


Secondly, over the last several months my daughter and I have been (slowly) reading through the Anne of Green Gables books together. It's always a joy to read-aloud good quality literature. Books are a perfect way to demonstrate to my daughter how we should interact with everything we encounter; comparing - in this case the adventures of Anne Shirley - with the one true story, the gospel of Jesus Christ. For that reason I make every effort to point out a book's themes and the virtues (or faults) of its characters.


In the fourth book of the series called Anne of Windy Poplars, Anne Shirley is now engaged to her childhood friend, Gilbert Blythe. During this time the couple is separated while Gilbert attends medical school and Anne takes a teaching position. In the little town where Anne teaches she boards with some lovable characters including two elderly ladies, Aunt Kate and Aunt Chatty, and their maid, Rebecca Dew. Since they cannot be together, Anne and Gilbert must content themselves with written communication. Much of the book, therefore, is actually Anne's long letters to him. 


In the second chapter she shares with Gilbert some snippets of love letters written by Aunt Chatty's grandmother. Although short, I was delighted to read the excerpts (and Anne's comments that follow) and immediately thought of what a beautiful example they are of a woman who knew how to captivate the heart of her husband through her respectful demeanor and attitude. As I share them I hope you'll especially note that Anne seems to possess a keen understanding of the effect of such words on a man (this also being a virtue of a fascinating woman!). So here's the first one. It appears on page 23 at the start of a letter to Gilbert: 


"Honored and Respected Sir:-
     "That is how a love letter of Aunt Chatty's grandmother began. Isn't it delicious? What a thrill of superiority it must have given the grandfather! Wouldn't you really rather prefer it to 'Gilbert darling, etc.?' "


In the second, Anne closes a letter:


"Your obedient servant,
"Anne Shirley.


"P.S. That was how Aunt Chatty's grandmother signed her love letters."


I know they're small things, but aren't these wonderful quotes? Or do they seem old-fashioned? Maybe a bit "formal?" If they do sound a little strange to our modern ears it's probably because we don't hear such talk from women nowadays! But, really, perhaps we should. Perhaps we women who love God and His Word should stop and really consider how we speak to our husbands. Are we building our husband up by showing him respect? I encourage each of us to examine our heart and answer that one honestly! 


As many of you know, I didn't always do this. In fact, I'd have to rank my past performance somewhere in the range of 1 (or maybe 2) out of 10. Sad but true! But these days I make intentional efforts at speaking respectfully to Aaron. I consider how I might "make his day."  Now, to be sure, for each husband that will mean something different. Our job, ladies, is to know and study our own man so we can bless him in a way that will be meaningful to him. I pray all the time for God to give me insight as to how I might do that. One little way I have discovered is to occasionally call my husband "Mr. S_______." I say it in my sweetest, most admiring voice. Honestly this almost always causes him to light up - no matter what sort of mood he's been in!


Therefore, getting back to Anne, her observation was absolutely right - any man would be "thrilled" to be spoken to in such a delightful way as "Honored and Respected Sir." If you doubt this, here's a question to consider - wouldn't you thrill to be called something like "Cherished and Loved Lady" by your husband? If your answer was "yes" then I have some good news. I truly believe that any man treated to this beautiful, dignified, consistent attitude by his wife will most certainly grow to cherish her more than life. He may not always say this; but he will undoubtedly show it in a multitude of other ways.


Finally, dear sisters, do we realize, as Aunt Chatty's grandmother seemed to, that we were created to be our husband's helpmate - his "obedient servant?" That if we are married we've actually been called to be a servant? At the risk of sounding cliché, let me gently remind you that "what God calls us to, He sees us through!"


Oh friend - don't be dismayed at the thought of treating or speaking to your man in a "subservient" way. Instead look to and follow Jesus, of whom the Bible says, "...the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." (Matthew 20:28) And let it be from your heart - let it flow from an attitude set on pleasing your husband above yourself. Please study and meditate on Philippians 2:1-8 for additional encouragement in this area.


Before I close, I also encourage you to keep your eyes open as you read books, watch movies, or even browse the internet. Within each of those things you will surely find a wealth of women whose example is worth following. Women who reflect the glory of their Maker as they relate to their husband and others around them. Ask yourself questions about what it is they do; what habits they have; and how they make a difference in others' lives - and then go and do the same.


Blessings on each of you this week! If you have anything to add to this I'd love to hear from you soon!