Empty Wives Hungering for More

Sorry I haven't posted for a little while. Life has been incredibly hectic these last few weeks! My heart has been here on the blog, but my body just hasn't been in front of the computer very much!

Anyway, before I move on with Biblical femininity versus false femininity, I felt a tug at my heart to reach out to those who may be hurting in their marriage right now. I pray that God will restore hope to you, my dear sister, by reminding you over and over again that He is for you and for your marriage. Your relationship with your husband will not be healed by you, but by your Heavenly Father...

  

"Jesus said to them, 'My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to accomplish His work.' " John 4:34

Recently I came across this verse while reading the Bible and it caused me to stop and ponder it. Jesus said that His food was to do God's will. It really got me to thinking about whether I could say that or not. Jesus derived His very sustenance from obeying His father.

For some reason this led me to think about all that I've been writing lately and all the women across America who are feeling hurt and empty in their marriages. I started to wonder if there were a connection between John 4:34 and this struggle of such a vast number of wives. 

Then this week while I was praying about the blog I began to feel the Lord speaking to me about this verse and others like it. He laid on my heart a simple message to hurting wives. 

God Created Men and Women with Different "Orientations"

Funny, but it actually first happened while I was bringing my "complaints" before God. I had been telling Him how it's been kind of hard lately since Aaron has been working so much - leaving me feeling a bit "disconnected." I was really struggling with this and, what's worse, I sensed that he didn't share this concern at all. Our relationship just wasn't on his "radar!" Believe me, it was tempting to revert to old ways of thinking and to feel sorry for myself. However, as I prayed that God might intervene so my husband would get a break (and thus we could spend more time together), a question came suddenly to my mind.

It was as if God asked me, "What did I create Aaron for?" I thought about it for a moment before I replied. "Work, Lord. You created him for work." Then He spoke to my heart again. "What did I create you for?" This time I didn't hesitate as a light bulb was beginning to come on. "You created me to be a help meet, Father. You made me for my husband."


The truth washed over me and with it came His incredible peace. I want to share this with you now too, dear sister. You see, God made our husbands for work - that is their created purpose. "The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it." (Genesis 2:15) So when your husband or mine is focused on his work, he's just doing what he was created to do. Therefore, we need to understand this: Men are work-oriented by their divinely-created nature. 


Now, this isn't to discredit the fact that there are some "workaholic" type men out there; but by and large, I'm afraid that what we label "workaholic" most of the time is really just hard-working and diligent.


But how can you know? let's take a look again at a concept I've discussed only briefly before. It's the idea of goodwill. Is your husband good willed toward you? If he knew you were troubled about his work schedule and you communicated this to him in a non-critical and respectful way, would he attempt to make changes if he could? I know that when I really think about it Aaron tells me all the time that he wishes he didn't have to work so much. He's good willed towards me. By contrast, a man who truly has a problem like workaholism (a silly term in some ways because of its overuse) is a selfish man who is not concerned with the feeling of others. This is much the same way an alcoholic acts selfish and abusive toward others.


However, let's get back to orientations. We've discussed the masculine trait; that man was created for work. But of course there is the feminine side of creation as well. Here we see that woman was created for man. Therefore our number one focus isn't usually work, but rather relationships. We tend to be relationship-oriented. This difference between men and women explains why unless we're fighting or having major problems, my husband assumes all is well in our marriage. He goes on with his work, focused not on me - but on his tasks! 


Meanwhile, this relationship-oriented wife can start to feel neglected; oftentimes assuming some things of my own! I entertain sinful accusations such as: my husband doesn't care, he puts other things ahead of me, or fill in the blank - you name it and I've probably thought it. Of course this kind of thinking is the very opposite of the description of love found in 1 Corinthians 13. In particular let's look at the exhortation in verse 7: "(Love) bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." The phrase I've underlined, "believes all things," contains the notion of believing the best about someone. This includes our husbands ladies! 


Let's remember that when we are carnally-minded, thinking the worst about our spouse, rather than spiritually-minded as in 1 Corinthians 13, we will experience the consequences of that choice. (And, truly, it is a choice!) Look with me at Romans 8:6: "For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace." Do you want to have peace? Then think loving thoughts toward your husband - mixed with large doses of understanding and patience! Choose to believe that your husband is not purposely ignoring you, but is working hard to provide for you! 


I just want to share one more thing on this idea of men and women and their orientations. A neat discovery I've made in the last couple years comes from the book, Motivating Your Man God's Way: Applying One Word That Energizes Him to Love by Dr. Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs. In the chapter entitled "His Friendship: Respecting His Desire for Shoulder-to-Shoulder Relationship" they speak of men's desire for shoulder-to-shoulder activities with their wives. Whereas the desire of most wives is for face-to-face conversation, this just doesn't factor in highly in a man's view of things. Consider this quote from the book: 


"A wife can so focus on face-to-face talking that she overlooks the massive amount of positive energy that fills his spirit when she does shoulder-to-shoulder activities. In fact, he has the same goal that she does: to be close friends."


You see, neither desire is right or wrong; they're just different. Yet, not understanding this difference is where we can get into trouble. For example, if it's been awhile since our hubby sat down across from us for a cup of coffee and some good conversation, we might be tempted to feel that we haven't really "connected" lately. However, he doesn't necessarily feel the same way. He's not likely to feel a bit disconnected by the lack of this. What he does long for and get energized by though is doing something together. And guess what? When we begin to grasp all this and make changes to accommodate our husband, we can not only increase his feelings of love for us (the thing we want most); we can also spend more time with him than ever before!


So what can we do? It's simple - join him in his work and play. No, I don't mean go to the office with him. But let me ask you: Does he do work in the yard? Then why not go out and join him? Could he use your help with emails, phone calls, or paperwork? Do it and enjoy knowing that you're being his help meet - a helper suitable. Does he like to jog? Jog with him! (This is me preaching to myself! For years my husband asked me to go jogging with him and I balked at it. However, for the last year and a half I've been going with him and have learned to happily enjoy this "unusual" form of togetherness, even though I most certainly am a coffee klatch kind of woman!) Are you starting to understand, dear sister? By doing this you will tremendously bless your marriage through your "sacrifice" and please God at the same time.

Still Hungering

By now perhaps you're wondering when I'm going to tie in the beginning verse of Scripture with this message. I'd like to do that in just a moment. With a heavy heart, I realize that sometimes a marriage is beyond, sometimes well beyond, the need for the "band-aid" that I've seemed to prescribe above. Sometimes our relationship with our husband is so painful that we hurt down to our very soul. Friend, believe me, I have been there. I know what it's like to experience emotional distress so great that it actually physically hurts. Therefore, please allow me to share two thoughts on this that I hope may help someone who may be in that dark place right now. The second suggestion I will lay out in practical steps as we elaborate more on it in the weeks to come.

To begin then, I encourage you to do a thorough search of the Psalms sometime soon. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that you will find a lot of "company" in them. In fact, a great many reveal King David in the depths of despair; times of intense emotional, physical, and spiritual pain. But there's something I really want you to notice. Read such Psalms carefully and you will see that while David spills out all his agony, he almost always "sandwiches" it between wonderful declarations of faith. 


A good example of this is Psalm 31. He begins the first section of the Psalm by saying, "In You, O LORD, I have taken refuge..." (Verse 1) Then in the next section, beginning around verse 9, he moves to expressing his complaints: "Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; My eye is wasted away from grief, my soul and my body also." (Notice that he even speaks of physical ailments stemming from his emotional state-of-being.) However, once again David turns his attention to the Almighty God in verse 14 with a bold statement of faith, which continues beautifully throughout the rest of the Psalm: "But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD, I say, 'You are my God.' "


David is a good example for us. When we're in a situation with almost no human strength left, like the Psalmist we often find that our hunger for the things of this world decreases, while our hunger for God increases. Even though our present reality may be one of suffering, we seem to make our way back to Him as the physical takes a backseat to the spiritual. Or, as I like to think, the spiritual takes precedence over the physical. In the Psalms David demonstrates this by beginning and ending with God in all his trials. I believe, however, this is just the way God made us. He created us with a need to be satisfied in Him alone - a soul hunger.

Satisfaction for the Soul 

Without trying to be redundant on this blog, if hunger for God is the diagnosis, how do we go about satisfying this hunger for Him? Of course, there are the obvious ways. The first being that we draw nearer to Him through earnest prayer and study and meditation of His Word. However, with that said I feel compelled to also warn. This is something we must do for ourselves; it cannot be merely reading about or listening to someone else talk about their relationship with God. Biographies and other books are great and can really encourage us; but they are no substitute for developing our own habit of spiritual discipline. 

"As the deer pants for the water brooks, So my soul pants for You, O God." Psalm 42:1

In Spurgeon's unequaled Treasury of David, he writes of the verse above: "As after a long drought the poor fainting hind longs for the streams, or rather as the hunted hart instinctively seeks after the river to lave its smoking flanks and to escape the dogs, even so my weary, persecuted soul pants after the Lord my God. Debarred from public worship, David was heartsick. Ease he did not seek, honour he did not covet, but the enjoyment of communion with God was an urgent need of his soul; he viewed it not merely as the sweetest of all luxuries, but as an absolute necessity, like water to a stag. Like the parched traveller in the wilderness, whose skin bottle is empty, and who finds the wells dry, he must drink or die - he must have his God or faint. His soul, his very self, his deepest life, was insatiable for a sense of the divine presence."


I think there's an amazing parallel here. The emphasis that Charles Spurgeon placed on David as one being "debarred from public worship" is often true of how we feel when we're experiencing trials. For example, have you ever felt like avoiding fellowship, embarrassed at the thought of people finding out about your troubles? Are you afraid that others wouldn't understand what you're going through? Or perhaps you've experienced a sense of isolation because of your marriage troubles? Boy, let me tell you - I've been there and done that! And to a degree these things are true. Our trial is unique to us. But we're not alone. Like David, we have a God who will satisfy our longings and meet the heart's deepest need for communion. But we must seek Him in earnest.


Then, we must also seek to be like Him. Now, mind you, He doesn't call us to make sure our husband is becoming more like Him. It's easy to think that if our spouse would just be like this, or like that, or in some way different than he is now, our marriage problems would go away. Oftentimes we spiritualize this tendency by saying that we just want our husband to love us "like Christ loved the church." Friend, if this describes you then please stop right now! Of course we want our husband to love us this way - but we can't make him do anything! No amount of pleading, guilt-tripping, preaching, or manipulating can bring it about. In fact, our drive to change him will almost assure that he will not love us in this manner; and worse, it could actually cool his love altogether.


No, we cannot change our husband. We must leave that to God. The only person we can change is ourself. It is for our own sake that we must seek Him and plead that He will give us the power to change. Remember, He will do the work if we'll just allow Him: "For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure." (Philippians 2:13) Dear friend, let me lovingly tell you that as long as your eyes are on your husband you will not be able to see the Lord. This is so crucial that I'm going to say that again in a slightly different way. As long as your eyes (your focus, your energy) are on fixing your husband, they will not be on Jesus. Let that speak to you a moment while I remind you of what Scripture commands us to do:

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

Besides growing closer to Christ is there a benefit to this? Of course! Many, many benefits of which may include a happier, more fulfilling marriage. Look with me at a familiar verse: "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33) Do you see? First and foremost we seek God; then we seek to walk in righteousness; and lastly, on the condition that we do these things, there's a promised reward. He will "add" all these other things to us. Could a God-honoring marriage be one of those things? Yes, I believe so. This type of marriage is a blessing to us for our faithfulness, and a glory to His Holy name.

That "Other" Suggestion

Okay, I realize that I still haven't gotten to that verse at the beginning, or that second, more practical suggestion yet. So here's what I feel like the Lord has been laying on my heart. Sometimes we can be doing all the "right things." We can be praying, reading His Word, fellowshipping with other believers, and serving at church. It's a sad fact but we can faithfully be doing all these things and despite this, still be missing the point. And as a consequence we feel empty. We feel like there should be more. I know because I've done it! 

This state of "missing the point" happens when we are not walking in God's perfect will. It can be in any number of areas but I'll give just a few examples wives are apt to be guilty of: Not fulfilling our role as wife; not being in submission to our husband; not treating our husband with respect; or perhaps expecting our husband to meet all our needs. I could easily list more because all four that I mentioned here describe me for seventeen years! During all that time I felt the lack of true joy in my life because unknowingly I was disobeying God in my marriage. I honestly believed, however, that this lack of joy was due to my husband's behavior, not mine.

So let's look once more at that verse from John: "Jesus said to them, 'My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to accomplish His work.' " (John 4:34) Again what Jesus was saying here is that His sustenance came from doing His Father's will. In our modern language we might say that he was "energized" by doing the Father's will.

The same is true of us, dear sister. We're happiest, most-satisfied, and most-nurtured in Christ when we are doing His will. Have you ever noticed that people who are spiritually mature and are seeking to please the Lord in all areas of their lives are often the most energetic people you know? These are well-fed Christians! They receive power and grace for living - spiritual food - because they're obedient to the "work" the Father has given them. 


On the other hand, observe a Christian who is walking in obvious disobedience and what do you see? They're tired... they're frustrated... they're depressed. Is it any wonder? Not when we consider what the Bible says in Matthew 4:4: "But He answered and said, 'It is written, "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.' " Here we see clearly that God's Word is food for the believer; but we must ask ourselves, How then do we partake of it? Only by obeying it as Jesus did when He stated, "I know Him and keep His Word." (John 8:55) I'm afraid, however, that far too many Christians are "malnourished" for lack of spiritual food. They are not doers of the Word, but are merely hearers who James 1:22 says "deceive themselves."

Let me encourage you today. Our food is to do God's will. It's to obey what His Word says. If you were to read the entire passage from John 4 you would see that Jesus told His disciples that He had food to eat that they didn't know about. (Verse 32) We, too, as followers of Christ, have food to eat which the world doesn't know about. It cannot know about it because it doesn't know the Source of that food. 


In this day and age of a culture dominated by feminism, we have an upward battle as women to "unlearn" much of what we have been taught. Unfortunately, even in the church there are subtle hints of it that have crept in largely unnoticed. Perhaps this is why the divorce rate among evangelicals is climbing. But you and I can change that. Oh, maybe not in the larger picture, but we can change things inside the four walls of our own homes.  When we begin to do this - living out the Lord's will for us in our marriage - we will discover greater happiness and peace than we can ever imagine! We will no longer feel empty and hungry, but will be "filled" with food because we are obeying our Heavenly Father. The spiritual will take precedence over the physical.


So what is God's will for us as wives? Well, for starters we know that we are to respect our husbands as we're commanded to Ephesians 5:33, as well as other passages. By the poll that's here on the blog you might have guessed that I plan to do a series of posts of what respect looks like, and practical ways we can live this out. I've already begun to hint at some of those things in the last post about the adulteress. However, there's so much more and I really look forward to exploring them with you! 


But secondly, before I get to the series on respect, I still plan on doing the post on Biblical femininity. This will teach us basic things that we should be doing and striving toward as women of God, as well as what to avoid. I hope it will be a challenge to us all. 


In summary of the things we've looked at today, there are three points: Men and women are oriented differently, we must seek a deeper relationship with God, and we must seek spiritual food by obeying Him. I think a key thing to remember, dear sister, is that becoming what I like to call a "1 Peter 3 wife" is a lifetime of learning. It's not an impossible or overwhelming task. It's simply one day and one step at a time. We don't need to become discouraged when God only asks us to do the "next thing." What's more, He's there to help us in all our weaknesses!


God is so good. His lovingkindness towards you and me extends to the heavens, and His faithfulness reaches to the skies. (Psalm 36:5) Go in peace this week!

Obstacles to Healing - Part 5: Dismay & How to Prevent Future Affairs

"How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,

Nor stand in the path of sinners,

Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!

But his delight is in the law of the LORD,

And in His law he meditates day and night."

Psalm 1:1-2

Dismay. Was that the "D' word you were expecting? Perhaps not, but maybe you'll understand why I chose it when I express in a moment some common questions experienced by betrayed spouses. Most often these questions come on the heel of our decision to stay in the marriage and "work it out." But the problem is, we don't know how to work it out! We wonder what that looks like. We ask ourselves: Where do we go from here? What should I do? And, if I may be totally honest - What can we do to prevent this from happening again?!

Actually, for me, it was this last question that plagued me. It felt unacceptable not to have a plan in place to keep my husband accountable. I was frightened and insecure. Most of all, I didn't want to experience the pain of adultery again so I thought we needed something that would reassure me it would not happen a second time. Really, what I wanted was a guarantee. 

So I began to research. Not the Bible, but other "sources." Though I was a bit skeptical, I read books about infidelity and affairs written by secular authors, as well as their websites. For some reason I had a really hard time finding books with solid Biblical advice regarding this issue; but I was desperate for answers so I devoured just about everything I bought or read. Finally I ended up ordering a book that I thought was Christian (its author claimed to be a Christian), but sadly its advice contained the same elements as that of the worldly-minded "affair experts." None the less, I bought into it.


Basically, the idea behind the advice was that the only way to prevent a future affair was to be completely, 100% honest about the attractions we feel for other people. In the eyes of the affair experts its a natural part of life to feel attracted to people other than our spouse. The important thing is to discuss them with our husband or wife so that they don't remain secret. It's the secrecy that's dangerous. However, if these attractions are brought into the light, and we're honest about them, it diffuses their power and prevents us from acting on them. Then we can talk about what's wrong in our relationship and why we're feeling attracted to another person.


Well, on the surface this sounds like good advice. In a way, it even seems to line up with the Bible. After all, doesn't His Word tell us to be honest? Doesn't it warn us against secret things? "Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts." (1 Corinthians 4:5) 


On the other hand, after deeper inspection, I think we'll conclude that there are several things wrong with this advice. To get a handle on this though, I'd like to start by distinguishing between man's wisdom and God's wisdom. Or as Scripture refers to them - the wisdom which "descendeth not from above" (James 3:15), versus "the wisdom that is from above." (James 3:17) 

Man's Wisdom Leaves God Out

Of man's wisdom the Bible says this: "This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic." The King James Version puts it, "...earthly, sensual, devilish." (James 3:15) In stark contrast, God's wisdom is defined this way: "But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy." (James 3:17) 


By just this quick glance we see how vastly different they are from one another. However, I'd like to draw special attention to one of the words which describes earthly wisdom - "natural;" or as the King James more graphically renders it - "sensual." Now, let the meaning of those words sink in for a moment. Then compare it with the picture you get for the word that is associated with God's wisdom, which is "pure."


On just the strength of comparison between these two words, we'll see in a minute just how far (and how fast!) we should run from any advice that encourages natural thinking. So let's begin by looking a little deeper at this first word. It's the Greek psuchikos. I've already said that it's been translated as "natural" or "sensual" in this passage from James. In a short sense it means "animal, natural, sensuous." The Lockman Foundation describes it as "worldy-minded," while Strong's Exhaustive Concordance goes a bit further and says that it refers to that which is of the "lower or bestial nature." Finally, and perhaps most helpful, the Helps Word-Studies notes this definition for psuchikos: "Soulish, i.e. what is natural, as it relates to physical (tangible) life alone (i.e. apart from God's inworking of faith)." 


So, from this last definition we could certainly say that earthly wisdom leaves God out. It excludes God from the picture. Remember I said a few moments ago that the advice I received "sounded good" on the surface? As I look back now, I believe this was because earthly, or man's wisdom, will always place an emphasis on natural man - what "feels good" or "seems right" to man. This is seen in the Bible where it says, "There is a way which seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death." (Proverbs 16:25) This "way" ascends no higher than our own human reasoning and attempts to work "apart from God's inworking of faith," as we saw above. Therefore, at least in the beginning of our marriage reconciliation, this "wisdom" appealed to me because it appealed to my flesh.


Here's the problem then as I stated before - this advice totally left God out of the loop. If you or I are going to attempt to prevent another affair from happening in our marriage by having our husband tell us about every attraction he feels for another woman, or vice versa, we make no room for God's working. I've made a diagram here to demonstrate this. 

In this diagram we see that there is an exchange between husband and wife. He tells me when he feels a pull toward someone else, as do I. Yes, we may be honest with each other, but we haven't invited God into our situation, nor have we dealt with the underlying heart issues. A couple verses come to mind in regards to this. The first one, in contrast to this advice, stresses the importance of asking God into every detail of our life:

"In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight." 

Proverbs 3:6

Notice the if/then relationship in this verse. If we acknowledge Him, then will He respond by making our paths straight. Or, maybe I should paraphrase in the context of what we've been talking about and say that God will make things go right in our marriage, when we seek to do things His way.

The second verse discusses how God views man's wisdom:

"Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?" 1 Corinthians 1:20

From the Lord's perspective, the wisdom of the wisest man is but foolishness - it's nonsense! Everything God has revealed through the Bible, however, has been for the purpose of showing us a better way. HIS way. Ever since the fall, man has always attempted to live apart from God, coming to inadequate conclusions about how to deal with the hard things of life.


So let's bring that right down to how to handle the issue of preventing a future affair from happening. Should we rely on man's wisdom, or does God's Word address this concern? Let me tell you that it most definitely does (which we'll soon discover), and stress here that unless we go to God with our marriage and our family, we will be assured of nothing! However, if we go to God, allowing Him to build our marriage and our family, we can be confident of success. While I'm sure you're familiar with it, here's a wonderful verse to illustrate my point:

"Unless the LORD builds the house, They labor in vain who build it; Unless the LORD guards the city, The watchman keeps awake in vain." Psalm 127:1

Focuses on the Natural Man

So, while the first problem with the advice from the affair experts is that it leaves God out of our marriage and out of the (re)building process; the second major problem is the emphasis on the natural man. We should recognize that it gives inappropriate place, and value, to the carnal nature. 

Someone might wonder, how so? Well, let's look at what the affair experts say. They advise us to tell our spouse when we're feeling attracted to someone else... Please! If it's gotten that far it's become more than a passing glance at an attractive person. (Which is normal, by the way!) Of course we're going to notice a handsome man or beautiful woman. We can't deny that. Additionally, it's not sinful to notice physically attractive people because we're apt to acknowledge it and then give little additional thought to the matter. "Oh, there's a handsome man. That's nice."

But that's not what they're talking about. What the affair experts mean is an attraction that goes beyond just thinking someone looks good. They mean a dangerous attraction - a desire to get to know that person more. A natural pull, they would call it, toward someone other than our husband or wife. While the secular mind recognizes that such an attraction is a threat to the marriage, it excludes recognition of the process that brought a person to that place. "Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death." (James 1:15) To unbelievers, such things as this just naturally occur. Denying that it's actually sin, however, means their proposed "solution" is completely inadequate. It lacks the power of God, through the Holy Spirit, to defeat sin at its root. 


So, while as Christians we can't deny that such attractions do happen, we must ask relevant questions. First, what can we find in the Scriptures that would address this issue? And second, what can we do to prevent initial attractions from developing into those that can lead to adultery? 

• First things first! On the issue of when we first recognize that we're becoming attracted to another person how about applying this verse: "The prudent (man) sees the evil and hides himself, but the naive go on, and are punished for it." (Proverbs 22:3)
• What does it mean that the prudent man "hides himself?" First, if possible, it's wise to physically get away from that person. In other words, don't shop the store where he's employed, or visit the gym where he works out. Think of Joseph and Potiphar's wife. Now, while most of the time we think only of the part where Joseph runs away from her and she grabs his tunic, do you realize that he was already behaving wisely toward her before this? Genesis 39:10 tells us in the New Living Translation (which I don't normally use but is really helpful here), "She kept putting pressure on Joseph day after day, but he refused to sleep with her, and he kept out of her way as much as possible." Wow! I feel like shouting, "Yes! Way to go Joseph!" Despite his youth and inexperience with women, he prudently avoided her as much as he could.
• Second, a really good answer to how a man hides himself is that he begins by protecting his heart - the place where Jesus said all sin, including adultery, begins. (Matthew 15:19) A good verse to meditate on, therefore, is Proverbs 4:23, "Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life." 
• How can I do this? How can I watch over my heart? My friend, it's the thoughts we allow ourselves to entertain in our heart that get us into trouble. So consider this verse: "We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5)
• Instead of just "putting off" those sinful thoughts, we need to then also "put on" godly thoughts: "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." (Philippians 4:8) And, "O LORD, who may abide in Your tent? Who may dwell on Your holy hill? He who walks with integrity, and works righteousness, And speaks truth in his heart." (Psalm 15:1-2)

Arouses to Sin

"Fine, fine, fine!" I can hear someone reading this say. "I agree with all that, but it wasn't ME who had an affair!" Okay, fair enough. So are you saying that you can only watch your heart and take your thoughts captive, but that won't make your spouse do those things, or keep him from having another affair?! 

Well friend, you're right - it won't. In fact, you can do nothing at all to keep your spouse from having another affair. If any person (including your husband) is bent toward sin, and not God, it won't matter that he has "accountability." Forced into it and without truly having a desire for it or the things of God, there's a good chance that person may lie just to avoid getting into "trouble." In fact, let me be so bold to say that without feeling the freedom to choose whether to be accountable and faithful, a spouse may be more tempted than ever to cheat. A verse of Scripture that bears this out is Romans 7:5, "For while we were in the flesh, the sinful passions, which were aroused by the Law, were at work in the members of our body to bear fruit for death." 


Next to the Bible the best thing I've read about this concept of the law, or (in a similar sense here) forced accountability, arousing a person to sin is a quote from John MacArthur. He stated, "Nothing is more appealing to sinful man than to do something that is expressly forbidden. Simply tell people what they cannot do and they will rush to disobey."


Think with me a moment about young adult children of Christian parents who were well-behaved, church-going children while growing up; yet who left home and completely rejected the Christian lifestyle. Oftentimes we're surprised when this happens. But really, think about it. While still at home their parents acted as a "restraining force;" but once out from under dad and mom's authority, they go the way of the world because they never really knew Christ. Instead of being restrained by the Holy Spirit, these children had only their parents to restrain them from sin. They experienced "law," but never received grace. "But now we have been released from the Law, having died to that by which we were bound, so that we serve in newness of the Spirit and not in oldness of the letter." (Romans 7:6)


So, here's a couple questions for you. Do you believe in laying down "the law" with your husband? Do you think that by encouraging him to think about what women he finds attractive, and telling you about it, you may act as a "restraining force?" Think about that and then answer this question: Do you really want the responsibility of trying to control your husband for the rest of your life?


These are important questions, dear sister! Oh, how I struggled with this! I wanted to control things, but I got so exhausted trying!

So What Can We do?

Let me give you some things you can do that will make life a little easier and more enjoyable in the long run. These are some Biblical actions you can actually begin to take right now toward preventing future affairs. What's more, you'll grow and mature as a Christian first, and then as a wife.

1.) Trust God. Give your spouse to the Lord. "How blessed is the man who has made the LORD his trust, And has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood." (Psalm 40:4) And, "Blessed is the man that trusteth in the LORD, and whose hope the LORD is." (Jeremiah 17:7)

2.) Pray. Give this concern to the Lord. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

3.) Become an outstanding and fascinating woman who pleases God, and inspires her husband to love and cherish his wife. You may do this by... A) Asking God for insight...B) Considering how to provoke him to love and good works. (Hebrews 10:24)... C) Learning what the Bible says about being an excellent wife. The Lord willing, this will be the subject for my next post!

You want to know the really neat thing? Remember the diagram above? It showed us how the advice of the "affair experts" left God out of the picture. However, allow me to encourage you that when you Trust God, Pray, and Become an outstanding and fascinating woman, you'll be inviting the Lord into your marriage. You'll discover the wellspring of His wisdom! The diagram below will now illustrate for us what a marriage characterized by seeking God, gaining wisdom, and applying that wisdom to the relationship should look like.

Now, looking at this diagram you may be tempted to think that this only works when both parties are seeking God. Conventional, or should I say "worldly" wisdom, would certainly tell us that. Next time, though, I hope to convince you by my personal experience that a marriage can be turned around by just one spouse willing to do the right thing. I DO NOT say this to credit myself because for far too many years I sought to do my own thing, and have my own way. Instead I give God all the glory for what He has done in my heart, and in fact is still doing! I have such a long way to go!!

Let's go back to the beginning of this post. Are you dismayed my friend? Are you afraid, not sure whether you can live without being assured of your husband's future faithfulness? Please, don't be. Don't live in fear. Remember that God has not given you "the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7) Go in God's peace today. See you back soon!