In 1 Peter 3:1-6 we find the virtue (discipline) I'm talking about. It's one that I read over, probably a million times, and never really understood until this past year when I've had to face the issues revolving around my husband's affair. It's the beauty of quietness. Look with me at what Peter tells us. Verse 4 says, "But let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God."
Now, maybe you're like me, who honestly used to imagine this to mean that we ought to be sober, moving about gracefully; that we should practice lovingly and gently touching our husband and children, and speaking to them in hushed tones. I was focused only on outward behavior (the should and shouldn't), and not the inward person of the heart. Sadly, sometimes, just sometimes, I would even read over these verses and not think much about them at all! I probably had other areas of "holiness" that I was working on so this just didn't seem that important.
So, if it's not these things, what exactly is a gentle and quiet spirit? Well, when I found myself in the position of the wife of 1 Peter 3:1 - you know, the wife whose husband was "disobedient to the Word," - I began a season of deep, soul-searching, crying-out-to-God prayer. I would pray for hours everyday. I would pray in the night, lying next to my cheating husband and begging God to save our marriage. I would remind God over and over, "This is your little family God, please intervene. Please don't let Satan have his way." I became willing to do whatever it was God would show me to do.
The first thing He showed me, in response to my request that God would endear me to my husband's heart, was the idea of unconditional respect. This was definitely not a one-time revelation, but occurred over many months through earnest prayer and searching God's Word. Now, I could probably write a whole series on what unconditional respect looks like - and maybe I will - but let me, for now, focus only on the concept of a gentle and quiet spirit.
When you think of gentleness, what do you think of? Do you think of it mainly in the physical realm? How you are to act? I certainly did. And boy, did I ever miss the point! What the Lord showed me instead was the controlling spirit I had; that I was attempting to be the Holy Spirit in my husband's life. Either by direct assault, or by sneaky, though well-intentioned ways I was trying hard to get him to see the error of his ways.
Let me give an example - maybe you've done something similar. I once tried to leave a book out, turned upside down but open to a certain page, in hopes that he would pick it up and read it. Upon reading it he would become so convicted that it would cause him to repent. And you know what? All my attempts, such as this one, utterly failed because I didn't see that God was going to do the work in Him, and I didn't have to! Nor should I. I'm so thankful the Lord showed me this. What the Bible really instructs us to do is to be gentle (this IS NOT the same as dropping subtle hints!) and respectful in the way we encourage our husband toward the things of God. And the way we do that leads to the second part of that phrase - by having a quiet spirit.
There are four ways the Lord has shown me I am to be quiet. When my heart is right with Him and I'm focused on doing His will, He gives me the strength to do it. Each of these discoveries have unfolded through the various growing pains of rebuilding our marriage:
Zip the Lips - This was the first, and most painful, one I had to learn. When my husband first came back to our family (he never actually physically left, but I refer to when he finally broke it off with the other woman), he was a spiritual mess. The other woman had worked hard at undermining any faith in God that he did have, and so he was really confused about things. I was so tempted to beg, cry, and plead with my husband. It hurt so bad to think that my man, who had been leading our family in devotions just six months earlier, now was so far from God that he wanted nothing to do with the Bible, church, or other Christians.
However, in the midst of this heartbreaking situation, God showed me again that wonderful verse, 1 Peter 3:1, "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives." Wow - that verse says without a word! Now, you may be tempted, like me, to wonder how it's going to get done if you never say anything. However, unlike us women, men are not going to be won over by anything you say - in fact, he'll feel that you're controlling and nagging if you try. What he will do though is watch and "read" your actions.
You don't have to have a cheating husband to apply this. You'll be given many chances in the course of your marriage, whether it's a healthy or unhealthy relationship, to practice this kind of discipline. Your respectful, quiet behavior will convict him far more than any words. So, in summary: God means this most literally - He wants you to keep quiet! Any complaint, concern, or worry you have concerning your husband, take to God in prayer. Then sit back, in trust and confidence in your Heavenly Father, and watch what amazing things He will do! (See 2 Thes. 3:4 - Who was Paul's confidence in?)
Keep Quiet About What You're Doing - Okay, what do I mean here?!? Well, it's probably not what you're thinking. What I mean is this - don't tell him all the wonderful things you've been reading on the internet, or in the latest Christian marriage book, and how you're going to change (like I did at first when I told my husband how I was going to unconditionally respect him from now on). Keep it to yourself and he'll notice, and appreciate, those changes. Trust me, he doesn't want to know all the "insights" you've gained. It will more than likely make him feel preached at and like you're expecting some change in him - something he will resist if he's feeling pressured.
Keep Quiet When He Vents - This is a really hard one! But seriously, you can show him tremendous respect by not taking everything he says so personally! If he does happen to be venting about you, and you know he's right (like what happened to us the other day), then humbly take what he's saying and don't try to defend yourself or make him feel better. Say nothing, just listen quietly. When he's done, continue be respectful in your actions - no going off and slamming doors, or walking away in a huff. He will cool down, if you let him. When and if he needs to discuss it (which he might not!), he'll bring it up later when he's ready. I know we women want to "communicate" and resolve it right away, but he doesn't have the same need! It may be that the best way for you to say "sorry," if you've offended him, is to show him that you are through consistent, dignified behavior. This is generally the way men do it with each other - so speak his language!
Keep Quiet About the Past - This one is particularly important for those recovering from infidelity. At the outset, let me say that I am not advocating a lack of communication or showing genuine admiration. What I am sharing is that your man is not interested in hearing about how wonderful he is (the implication to him being that this is compared to what he used to be), or what a "good family man" he is now. You can probably think of many other ways you or I might compliment our husbands - and that's how we truly mean it - but my eyes were recently opened to how he was interpreting my "compliments."
It was actually my seventeen year old son, who understands "guy things" just a little, that pointed this out to me. In my efforts to build my husband up, to encourage him spiritually (since I really do see so much progress there), I had been telling him that I trust him completely. I had come to realize that there's a big connection for men between being trusted and feeling respected and so I thought "reminding" my husband of this would be helpful. Well, on this one day I told him he was a good man and he sort of cringed.
Later, while I was reflecting on it, my son came up to me and said, "You know Mom, you've really got to quit telling Dad that he's a good man." What?!? I thought. I told him to explain. What he said was really brilliant. (Actually I told him afterward that I thought the Lord had given him those words.) He told me that when I said those things, especially out-of-the-blue, it was really telling him that I don't trust him, and that I'm still thinking about it. Wow! It was like a bop on the head because I knew he was absolutely right!
In fact, as confirmation of this, I suddenly realized that right after my husband had reacted that way, he had gone off down the hall muttering that I was still stewing over it. He thought we had resolved a particular issue and I appeared, through my "compliments," to still be thinking about it and fretting. I was trying so hard to prove my trust and admiration, that it backfired and resulted in negative feelings. Moral to the story - be sincere in your compliments, let them be timely and let them be few.
So, what do you think about Peter's teaching on quietness? Maybe you have some experience you'd like to share. Please feel free to comment here. Hope to hear from you soon!
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