Fast forward seven years. It was 1994. I was now married and my first child was just over a year old. The little town where we lived was having its annual festival and I was excited to put him in his stroller, walk around and take in the events.
During the course of the day I ran into many people I knew. Glancing up at one point I saw a lady I was acquainted with because I had designed the brochure for the crisis pregnancy center where she was director. With a warm smile she came over to say "hi." While we chatted, she began telling me that the Lord had something new for her and she was resigning her position at the center.
At first, I didn't think too much of it. Then I got that strange, tingly feeling. Soon I had the distinct impression that this meeting was a "God thing." She was telling me that they needed to find a new director. I was dumbfounded. I wondered why it felt like God was nudging me! I wasn't looking for a job. I was a stay-at-home mom. Besides, I didn't qualify to be the director of anything. I was wrestling through all this inwardly while she was talking. And then the question came to my mind - unbidden - What's today's date?
"Oh NO!" My thoughts tumbled around in my head as I tried to be sure. It was May 16. "Oh yes, child, it's that date," the gentle Voice said. The anniversary date of my abortion. The lady, Barb, unaware of the conflict raging inside my head, suddenly asked, "Do you think you'd be interested? I think you would do a great job." Looking at me intently, she waited for my response. "Um yes, I think I would be interested," I heard myself say. Unable to shake the feeling that this was a divine appointment, I agreed to fill out an application and submit my resume.
Two months later, as the new Executive Director of our local crisis pregnancy center, Barb was working with me to train me in. Up until that point, other than the people directly involved in my abortion, my husband was the only one who knew about it. However, now Barb and the Board members of the center also knew. Well, what was I supposed to do? Lie? It had been a question on the application. "Have you ever had an abortion or advised someone else to have one?" YES on both accounts! Hopefully they won't hold that against me I had thought. After all, that was before I was a Christian. On this particular afternoon though it was on Barb's mind and she asked me a pointed question: "Have you gotten healing for your abortion?"
So I told her the truth. That I had specifically repented of it when I got saved, but beyond that I hadn't given it much thought. And that was the truth - I really hadn't given it much thought because I didn't want to think about it. It was too painful. Much too painful.
Walking into the second room of our offices, she pulled a book off the shelf, handed it to me and asked if I would be willing to let her go through it with me. It was called, "Forgiven and Set Free" by Linda Cochrane, a Bible study written by a woman who knew first-hand what it was to have an abortion. I stared at the book in my hands. God was there with me in that moment. He was stirring me to new possibilities, new hope. And just like that, it was the beginning of my healing and restoration.
Over the next months we worked faithfully together on the book. I discovered more about God than I had ever known. I grew to love Him with a greater fervency and, more importantly, to understand His indescribable love for me in new and profound ways. Once again, I longed for God and His Word in ways that I hadn't since I was first saved.
The second thing that happened, however,was that I began to understand that what I had been going though was grief - and that grief is a process. It's a unique journey for everyone. You and I can both be post-abortive, but the way that experience will manifest itself in our lives can be totally different. I believe that much of that has to do with the individual things (past sins/idols of our hearts) that God desires to clean up in us in order to move us to freedom. For me, all the ways my abortion had affected me and colored my thinking was a slow process of discovery. Like a creature with many tentacles, it had reached its ugliness into nearly every area of my life. It took time to untangle all that. Those were the places where only God's illuminating light could reach and, eventually, redeem.
If you're reading this and are post-abortive, let me just stop and say right here - He CAN and He WILL do this for you too! He delights to do this for you. Believe what the Scripture says. In Isaiah 61, verse 1 it says of the Lord's Servant (Christ Jesus Himself), "He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, and freedom to prisoners." So are you broken-hearted today? He will bind up and heal your broken heart. He will do it for you, just as He did for me, because it glorifies Him to bring to pass in your life the very things these verses in Isaiah say He came to do.
However, maybe you don't think so - you don't feel you're broken-hearted. Is it possible you're in denial about it and instead are the prisoner He came to proclaim liberty to? Trust me - I know how it is to be a Christian and say that everything's okay. To actually think that it's unspiritual to say we need anything beyond our salvation in regard to our abortion. Or how about this one - to say that we've become caught up in psychology (psychobabble?) if we want healing? Yes, I know - and agree! - there is a lot of psychology mumble-jumble that has crept into the church today. I completely renounce that.
God's healing, however, is not psychology. It's knowing and being able to apply His Word to our life, to the deep places of our heart. If we are to adhere to Paul's instructions in Ephesians 6:1 of being "strong in the Lord and the strength of His might," how do we do it but by really knowing His Word? The last piece of armor spoken of in this passage is the "Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God." While all of the armor is important to stand firm against the schemes of the devil (verse 11), it's the Word in particular that we use as a weapon. By being filled with the Word we will know the truth and be able to defend ourselves against lies. If you've had an abortion, Satan will use every tactic in his book to defeat you by reminding you of that fact. He will heap guilt and shame on you. He will tell you that you're not as good as other Christians - etc., etc.
So what do you say - is it possible you need healing? For example, do you tell yourself over and over to forget about your abortion? Do you experience physical or uncomfortable feelings when abortion is mentioned in public? Do you find yourself avoiding books, magazines, or TV programs that deal with the subject of abortion? While these are just a few, they're good questions that can help you get started in thinking about your own experience and need.
Anyway, once I began to sense myself really moving forward I also sensed God doing something else. It was time to tell my story publicly. You see, for some time I had been sharing the ministry of the center at various churches, but never really sharing anything personal. Now I knew the time had come - and I was a nervous wreck! What would people think of me? What if they rejected me? Judged me? Disliked me? Oh, how fear gripped me! I thank the Lord though that He told me to get up - to stop being beaten down with false shame. He had delivered me from shame and guilt because His work on the cross was complete. Did I doubt that? Finally, He reminded me He had called me to this. I memorized 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
With a little trepidation I stepped up to the podium the first time to share the story of my abortion. It was a National Day of Prayer event and I had been invited to speak. I knew the time was right and as I told my experience I found I grew increasingly at ease with it. I had the peace of God. I also had the attention of the audience; all but one that is. She got up in the middle of my speech, stomped down the aisle, and slammed the door on the way out. Ouch! I don't know what her problem was but I remember thinking that she was probably post-abortive too!
There was still One More Thing that I needed to do to be completely healed but it came about four years later. The Board at the center where I worked had just decided that we needed to add a post-abortion ministry. There was a training seminar out west that spring and they thought I should go. I agreed but wanted a board member to go with me. They chose to grant my request and unanimously decided that our president, Caroline, should be the one. She smiled and said she would like that. The only problem was that she was having her own battle inside that none of us were aware of.
A short time later, probably within a week, she told me privately that she was also post-abortive; she had had two abortions during her college years. Wow, was I surprised! Her? She looked like a mature Christian woman who had it all together! Only then did I begin to realize that there is no "stereotypical" post-abortive woman. They come from all walks of life. Her problem though? After nearly twenty years of marriage her husband had no idea his wife had had any abortions! Do you see the secretiveness of it? The insidious way Satan uses it to keep us from true intimacy and transparency?
She knew she couldn't go until she had told him. Together we agreed to pray about it. Then one day the opportunity opened and she confessed what was long hidden away. It was absolutely wonderful! The grace he extended to her and the way he received it were a beginning to her healing. After she told him he replied, "I always felt like there was something between us, but now I know I have all of you."
Remember I said there was One More Thing? At the time I didn't know I needed it, but it came as Caroline and I went to the conference. We went through all the sessions, which were informative and exciting, and then came the final day. A memorial service. All week I had felt the Lord pressing on me. Besides being informative, the conference was also very emotional for most of us in that room. There were Kleenex boxes on each table for the attendees. For the first time, during that week, I had the distinct impression that the child I had aborted was a girl. God gave me a name - her name. Sylvana. I had never heard that name before, but I knew it belonged to my child, who was safe in the arms of Jesus. At the very end of the memorial service was a "Gathering of the Roses." Each person who so desired went silently forward to pick up a rose in memory of a child or children who had been aborted.
That was it. I needed closure and I got it that beautiful day. You should have seen Caroline and I guard those roses like mother hens on the flight home! We must have looked awfully funny to the other passengers.
Since that time she and I both have worked with a number of post-abortive women, going through that same Bible study I did sixteen years ago. It's been both a wonder and a privilege. We've seen so many miracles and incredible things that God has done.
So, what about you? What can you do if you've had an abortion and are hurting? The following things are some practical steps you may want to take right now:
1. Recognize and believe that God wants to heal you. Seek God in prayer; cry out to Him and don't be afraid. He already knows what's in your heart so there's no use hiding or holding back from Him. Then use a topical Bible - Nave's Complete Word Study Topical Bible
is a great one - to do a study on God's healing. I don't believe it's always his plan to physically heal us, but I believe His Word is clear on spiritual healing. It's an aspect of His divine power granting to us all things pertaining to life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3), of being in Christ, and being a new creature (2 Cor. 5:17). Additionally, the concepts of restoration and redemption are great keys to further your understanding.2. Consider confiding in someone you trust. I know this is really hard. Pray about it though. If you do decide to tell someone and you're a Christian, this should be a sister in the Lord. If you're married, please ask the Lord how and when to go about telling your spouse. You definitely want to show respect to your husband and not just "dump on him." Proceed carefully and only with wisdom from the Lord.
The person you do confide in should be committed to praying for you. This is the reason for your confiding in them. This can be tremendously encouraging - don't underestimate the power of prayer!
3. Find a post-abortion ministry in your area. Ramah International is a Biblically sound ministry with a list of local ministries across the U.S. and internationally. Their website is: http://ramahinternational.org/. Sydna Masse, president and founder of Ramah, has a book entitled, Her Choice to Heal: Finding Spiritual and Emotional Peace After Abortion
, which is also an excellent resource.4. If you can't join a group, you can go through a Bible study with a friend. This is just what I did with Barb. While there's a lot of benefit in getting together with other post-abortive women so that you can relate and share experiences, having one person who cares and is willing to invest the time with you can be wonderful as well.
5. Read Christian novels that contain realistic and encouraging themes related to abortion. Two that I highly recommend are: "Tilly" by Frank Peretti and The Atonement Child
by Francine Rivers. Both use discretion and are tastefully done. Also, in addition to novels, there are many books that are the testimonies of women who have healed from abortion. These can be wonderfully uplifting as they describe God's faithfulness in others' lives.I've listed just a few small steps you can take to get started. In future posts here I will hit on key issues of grieving and the post-abortive woman. As always, please feel free to contact me privately if you need someone to talk to. Email me at titus2homemaker@gmail.com.
"What a wonderful God we have - He is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the One who so wonderfully comforts us and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does He do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us." 2 Cor. 1:3-4 TLB
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