Are You Full of Grace or the Law in Your Relationships?

Note before I begin: The other day I was pecking out a little on the second article about Biblical vs. False Femininity when I was overcome with the desire to first share with you this lesson the Lord has been showing me all summer. As way of a quick update I will tell you that things are going quite a bit better with our son. If you'll remember, I shared that we had laid down some tough boundaries for him. At the same time we showed grace and acceptance of him. As it's turned out, instead of rebelling against the new rules, over the last couple months he's actually embraced them and us. We feel as if he's "rejoined" our family. This has manifested itself through the many times he's initiated a family game, walk, or movie night. Sometimes, like last night, without our prompting or asking, he came outside to join us in some fun with the Frisbee and foot races. And just a week ago we went on a three-day family vacation and had a really good time.


Now, I can't say that all this means he's walking the Lord. He's not. Is he any closer? I don't know. But there are some good signs that he's at least not hostile toward the gospel. And so, with that, I want to share a message that I hope will give you something to think about - whether you have a prodigal in your life or not. If you have any relationship with another person (and, of course, you do), I pray you'll "listen" with an open heart. Thank you and may the Lord use these words as He sees fit.

Walking in Grace or the Law?

Our son is our firstborn. And like so many parents we made all our "big mistakes" with him. Looking back, one huge mistake we made is in the area of our own heart attitude and beliefs. You see, from the beginning of our parenting journey we believed that if we could be good parents, we would have good kids. It made sense - like a safe formula that guaranteed success.


But alas - the problem I now see with that is two-fold: First, what defines "good parents," or good parenting? And second, because it's inevitable - what about when we blow it? Well, as you have probably already guessed, there is no definition for good parenting because that's like asking what the definition of a "good person" is. The truth of the matter is that there is no one who is good. Instead each one of us is inherently evil. "As it is written, 'There is none righteous, no, not one.' " (Romans 3:10)


In light of this, therefore, no one is truly capable of "good parenting" except our Heavenly Father (and even He has kids who rebel!) And because of our inadequacy, Aaron and I blew it many, many times and consequently guilt and self-condemnation would set in. Not once did we grasp the surety of God's grace in light of our failings. Oh sure, we understood that grace applied to salvation; but it was almost as if we thought that, after that, we were on our own to work things out. The only solution? Try a little harder! Not once did we see that God's grace was available for all areas of life - including our parenting. As a result of this blindness we read one parenting book after another, and went from one extreme to the other. For a time we would be tough and strict; then soft and lenient. Added to this unfortunate mix was the fact that our marriage during those years suffered from a lot of volatility and dysfunction. To my deep regret, this was the reality of our son's childhood.


I believe that as the years went on my husband became more and more law-oriented as an unconscious means of getting the best handle he could on a difficult situation. Such that, by the time our son was a teen and had become rebellious, we both responded by swinging toward being consistently strict with him. The underlying thought was, "We'll show him who's in charge!"


Unconsciously I think there was a feeling of "safety" in our rules and restrictions, as well as a belief they would shape and make him into a good little Christian. Now, I can't say that we had a relationship with him during that time. He was "moody and withdrawn" and preferred his friends over us; but instead of dealing with it we tended to just brush that aside. What we didn't understand is that rules without relationship equals rebellion. 

So we had rules for every conceivable area of his life. Of course, just like God's law for us (which is infinitely good), parents need to have rules (albeit imperfect) for their children, too. I'm not advocating loosey-goosey, permissive-type parenting here; but I am saying that because we didn't pursue a relationship with our son first, we failed to exhibit the way God works in our lives. And truly He does seek, and establish the means for, a relationship with His own... "See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him." (1 John 3:1)


Without a proper understanding of grace we plodded on; unable to give one ounce of it! Perhaps it was an attempt to reach out - I'm really not sure - but we did make a conscious effort to give him plenty of Christian worldview material to read during his high school years. Surely, we reasoned, after all this effort, it will be enough to keep our son from the world and ensure he'll embrace the faith. As long as we kept doing the things Christian parents are supposed to do, and giving him all the right opportunities to receive Christ, one day it'd pay off. 


Now, friends - do you notice anything at all about this? Can you see where the focus of our hearts was? Yes, that's right. It was on us, his parents. It was on our efforts and our works. In reality God was not in this picture at all. All the outcome of our son's soul was on our backs. And because of this we were not walking in grace, but the law. And let me say this my dear sisters - this is too heavy a load for any of us to bear! We were never meant to, yet so many of us do. We tend to do this, many times unknowingly, in a variety of relationships and a variety of situations. Therefore, in this next section let's explore how to determine if we're doing that. Hopefully we'll see whether we are grace-filled or law-filled in our heart attitude toward others.

Questions to Determine Where You're At

So how can we examine ourselves in this area, and maybe more importantly, what difference does it make? Let's take a look at these two questions separately.


Since there are just two approaches in our relationships - grace or law - it will not take rocket science to nail down where our efforts in them are centered. So then let's start with the latter. What is law's motivation? Simply put, it is self-trust; it says, "I can do this." This, of course, is the opposite of reliance upon God's grace. But in case you're not sure where your motivation lies (and I think a great many of us fall into this camp), the best possible indicator of your attitude may be your reaction.


For example, how do you feel when your husband or child fails? Whether this means failing to respond to the gospel, your advice, or anything else you're trying to share. Specifically, what emotions do you experience? If you become angry or frustrated chances are good you have a heart filled with law.


Taking this a step further, may I ask - for whose glory do you seek? If it be God's glory than there should be no problem with outbursts of anger. Nor reversely should there be any cause for pride to well up in us when the same people "do good" or succeed. And I'm talking about the kind of pride that says secretly in one's heart, "Look at our son here. He's become quite a good, Christian boy. His father and I are being rewarded for our faithfulness in raising him in 'the way he should go.' " At the heart of law is not only a reliance on our own works and abilities, but a smug feeling that God is actually obligated to reward these works. But may I remind us sisters of what the Word says about works (deeds) in Isaiah 64:6 - "For all of us have become like one who is unclean, And all our righteous deeds are like a filthy garment..." (My emphasis) In plain words - we're not good enough to "save" anyone!


So, truth be told this is how my husband and I parented for years. Hard and demanding of our son; frustrated and dismayed by his failures. And the occasional ray of sunshine when he did something to make us proud. (This, of course, is just code for "earned our approval.") 


The poor kid never felt like anything he did was good enough because our favor was turned off and on like a faucet! I can't tell you how much I regret treating him that way but I did so without even realizing it. My friend - our children should NEVER have to earn our acceptance. This is NOT the way of the one perfect parent, our Heavenly Father, who despite our weakness and sin, loved us and sent His Son to die for us. (Romans 5:8) His way is the way of grace. "Teach me Your way, O LORD; I will walk in Your truth; Unite my heart to fear Your name." (Psalm 86:11, emphasis mine)


But before you get comfortable and think, "I don't treat my children that way," or, "I don't even have children!" - allow me to remind you that this type of attitude can manifest itself in any relationship. In the case of a husband/wife relationship it may be that one spouse is demanding of the other. Maybe the wife is critical of her husband or the husband overlooks his wife's efforts at pleasing him. Literally I think there are a million ways this lack of grace could play out. And remember how I asked at the beginning of this section what difference any of this makes? Well, I'll attempt to answer that now.


First, in our case, the law-filled attitude that governed our relationship with our son caused us to miss out on God's peace and blessing. We carried around a heavy burden for his outcome. We experienced fear... What if we failed to do everything we could to bring him to faith? And what if, after all our best efforts, he still didn't receive Christ?


We also carried an idol around in our hearts - the idol of having a believing, successful child. Sometime later I dug a little deeper and discovered a second one. This one, I believe, may have been mine alone - the idol of having a good image in the community. I wanted this more than anything - even above my relationship with God. So the end result of living by the law was that instead of serving the living God - instead of "be(ing) still and know(ing) that (He is) God," and exalting Him (Psalm 46:10) - my husband and I lived in a sinful state of unbelief and idolatry. We forgot that He ALONE is savior.


So that brings me to this question: What would happen if you or I decided to place our sole trust in the Lord, looking to His grace and goodness? Quite simply we would quiet our souls and be enabled to give grace to our child, husband, friend, or whomever. We would become a vessel that He can use. Additionally, our relationship with that person would improve because we would no longer be attempting to carry them, but free to enjoy them!

What You Can Do

Hopefully by now you've been able to discover where you're at in regards to grace and law in your relationships. Now what I'd like to do is give you a little acronym I've made up to help you take the right steps toward being a grace-filled mother, wife, friend, etc.


Ready? It's simple. It's just four letters and spells the word rest, which is the state of being God wants us to experience. (A further explanation will follow.)


R - 'R' stands for Realize
E - 'E' stands for Encourage
S - 'S' stands for Show Respect
T - 'T' stands for Trust God


The first one, R for "Realize," is easy in theory but takes humility. This is what perhaps some of you have already done or are currently thinking about. Therefore, dear sisters, I encourage you, if you see some tendencies toward works and law in your relationships, to realize and acknowledge where you've been wrong. The place to begin is confessing it to God. Repent and ask Him to forgive you. After all, it is His goodness that you have doubted, and Him whom you have "dethroned" by putting yourself in His place. Remember two things: First, in regards to this we can sin in many ways such as believing that we're responsible for our children's outcome; or that it's our job as wife to get our husband to shape up, lead the family, or whatever. Second, our clue as to whether we're walking in law is our reaction, which will generally be either anger or frustration - contrasted against the fruit of grace which is peace and quietness.


The second one, E, really stands for "Encourage, don't preach." I want you to consider a verse that I meditate on often: "Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person." (Colossians 4:6) Notice first that it says our speech ought to be with grace. My dear sister - this is the heart of this message! Our words should always communicate acceptance of the person as one made in the image of God.


We need to accept others in our life as GOD Himself accepts us. "To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. (Ephesians 1:6, emphasis mine) As I look back I realize that the Lord was working this grace in me at the time of our marriage reconciliation following my husband's affair. Not because I'm so great but because He is, God enabled me to accept Aaron just as he was following those events. This wasn't easy as I was not only heartbroken from being betrayed, but I could only look on in horror at what a spiritual "mess" my husband was. But somehow, with the strength of the Lord, I simply accepted him where he was at and, truly, it was healing to our relationship.


That brings me to the second phrase of the verse above - "...as though seasoned with salt." Now, salt is many things but applicable to our discussion is the fact that it's a preservative. So think about this - Do you want to ruin, or preserve, your relationship with that other person? If you want to preserve it then consider how you might do that. Let grace be your guide. Don't preach at him or her - God doesn't need you to bring them under conviction! Instead encourage your child, husband, or friend.


For example, I no longer look for ways to "sneak in" the gospel when talking to my son. To clarify, I'm not afraid to mention God or the Bible - but when I do talk about them it's not with an agenda in mind. There is one thing I like to consistently do and that is commend the positive things I see by saying things like, "When you _____________ today it showed me that God is at work in you." Then I smile and walk away. I don't wait for a reaction or make sure he heard me. Neither do I expect him to reply. I let him know by my attitude that it's okay if he doesn't. However, I will say that recently he surprised me by responding, "Thanks Mom, I appreciate that."


And what happens if he royally blows it?! Then I encourage him a different way. I let him know that no matter what he does I still love him, and God does, too. I don't go on and on about it; but I basically try to communicate in a few words that he doesn't have to "earn" anyone's love.


The third letter in the acronym is S for "Show Respect." In the case of a prodigal child this is challenging. We've been used to guiding them their whole life and now their thoughts and views in many respects seem so different from ours. But we can learn to just listen. We can be glad that they even want to talk when they do. Even if we say nothing in response that's okay because they have the right to feel respected. In fact, arguing would be one of the worse things we could do. It will break down our relationship with them and build up walls of resentment.


Can I tell you something that might help you when you're tempted to "correct" their way of thinking? Or brood over their failures? Or try to control the outcome? This will help no matter if it's your child, your spouse, or even one of your parents. The idea is to view that person simply as someone who needs Christ. Period. Not as your wayward son, carnally-minded husband, or other similar thing. Just as a person who's lost or deceived and in terrible need of the Savior. A person just like you!


Finally, we come to the last letter of the acronym, T. It stands for "Trust God." At the root of grace-filled living needs to be trust in God. So say for instance you desire, but perhaps struggle, to show respect to your husband who's walking in disobedience to the Lord. My suggestion? Trust God. Trust Him for the strength to do it. While I've mentioned this Scripture passage many times before, look again in 1 Peter 3 at what the holy women in former times did:

"In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands." (1 Peter 3:1-5)

You see, these women acted in accordance with their trust and hope in God. Now, think about this - trust is the opposite of fear, right? And what does fear do to people? Well, if you think about when people are seized with fear you know that fear actually controls them. One Bible example that comes to mind is Elijah. In Chapter 19 of 1 Kings we find him running for fear of his life: "Now Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, 'So may the gods do to me and even more, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by tomorrow about this time.' And he was afraid and arose and ran for his life and came to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there." (1 Kings 19:1-3, emphasis mine)


Another example is, interestingly enough, the father of faith himself, Abraham. Do you remember the terrible thing he did to his wife when he was afraid?

"It came about when he came near to Egypt, that he said to Sarai his wife, 'See now, I know that you are a beautiful woman; and when the Egyptians see you, they will say, "This is his wife"; and they will kill me, but they will let you live. Please say that you are my sister so that it may go well with me because of you, and that I may live on account of you.' " (Genesis 12:11-13)

Unfortunately, not only did he allow her to be taken by Pharoah, he did it again in Chapter 20 when he met Abimelech, king of Gerar! And we, like these Bible characters, become fearful when we get our eyes off God and unto our circumstances. We either begin to "sink" like Peter on the water as he began to look around at the wind and the waves (Matthew 14:30); or, in another response to fear, we attempt to control others to gain peace of mind.


May I speak plainly and suggest that if you are in the least bit a controlling person you need to grow in grace? Likewise, if you have a hard time controlling your anger in response to people in your life it may be that you are lacking in love. You see, the bottom line is that grace and love are co-mingled. They go together! Look at this verse: "The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, be with you all." (2 Corinthians 13:14)


So, is fear or anger controlling you in your relationships, dear sister? I have a simple solution. Trust in God and be controlled instead by the love of Christ. This is what the apostle Paul did. He said, "For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died." (2 Corinthians 5:14) One dictionary I consulted described the verb "control" as exercising a dominating influence over. What a wonderful definition! Oh how we should strive to allow Christ's love to dominate us!


Perhaps, though, the very best thing about demonstrating to others that you're trusting God (again, manifested through your grace and love) is that it will be a powerful testimony to any unbelieving, difficult, or prodigal person in your life. A familiar verse that comes to mind is Matthew 5:16, "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven."


Finally, remember that in relation to this, faith is the only way we may do anything that will result in God being glorified and drawing others to Himself. It is referred to in 2 Thessalonians as "the work of faith:"

"To this end also we pray for you always, that our God will count you worthy of your calling, and fulfill every desire for goodness and the work of faith with power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus will be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12)

Well, that about wraps up the things I wanted to share with you today. This is a lesson that I'm asking God to reveal to me in increasing measure. I want to walk in and be filled with grace! I want my children, husband, extended family, and friends to all experience it!


If you have questions or comments I welcome them here. Or, if there is a need to speak to me privately please feel free to email. Blessings on you all this week!