Idolatry & Bondage: Hindrances to Forgiveness

"Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness?" Romans 6:16

I briefly mentioned something in the last post I wrote about forgiveness that I feel we should look at more closely before moving on. Therefore, today I'd like to talk about idolatry and bondage. What I've discovered is that the two are inextricably entwined. In the simplest terms, idolatry concerns the heart, while bondage relates to our actions.

Let me explain by giving you an illustration from my life. I told you last time how I avoided going to town, or doing certain things, for fear of seeing the woman I was struggling to forgive, and in that sense allowed her to control me. More serious, however, was the fact that I spent much of my time thinking about this person as well. To be totally honest, I would have to say that I was tormented by thoughts of her. Thus, for this reason, not only was she first in my heart (idolatry); but as I mentioned a moment ago, it resulted in me not being free in my actions either. Whether consciously or not, I presented myself to her to "obey," and thus became her slave (bondage). While the verse above speaks of presenting ourselves to sin or righteousness, it illustrates this general principle well.

My friend, if this even remotely describes you, let me ask a couple questions that may help you examine yourself. The first thing is this: How much time do you spend thinking about the offender - what percentage of your waking thoughts would you say are consumed with him/her? Now, compare this to the time you spend with the Lord, reflecting on Him or His Word. A little lop-sided? I know for me it sure was. What's amazing is that even while I was spending more hours in prayer than ever before; outside that time, I was completely absorbed in negative thinking. In the truest sense, I placed higher value on her - because she was my focus - than on the Lord.

Secondly, do you obsess about this person? More specifically - are you always playing detective? An example is routinely attempting to dig up dirty laundry from their past. Or keeping track of their whereabouts and doings. I did an awful lot of the former: Every new "revelation" I unearthed was further justification for despising this woman; while disparaging remarks from others would only add "fuel to the fire." Looking back I realize that I actually delighted in hearing how awful she was because I thought it elevated my own status! It's hard, even humiliating, to admit this, but it's where I was at during that time. However, I will also tell you that eventually, with much prayer and support from an accountability partner, I was able to get past these things. Breaking free from this bondage has allowed His perfect peace to wash over me again. Praise the Lord!

So now I turn my attention to you. Have you prayerfully examined your heart before the Lord in regards to the issues I've mentioned here? It may be that all is well (and I hope it is), but please don't skip over this or take it lightly. Let there be not even a hint of idolatry or bondage in your heart! For starters, you might read the psalmist's petition and follow his example in prayer:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24) 

Rx for Overcoming Idolatry and Bondage: "Put Off" and "Put On"

The New Testament has much to say about how to overcome sin in our life. This, of course, would include the sin of unforgiveness. While it may not be new to you, I thought a review of the "put off/put on" concept may be helpful. In essence, this teaching of the apostle Paul first encourages us to "put off" (sometimes rendered "lay aside") the old ways: old ways of thinking, acting, relating, and doing. Then, instead of, or in place of, the old ways we are to "put on" new ways of thinking, acting, etc. Simply put, we get rid of the junk and replace it with good.

Before we examine some of the wonderful Scripture that speaks of this concept, I'd like to point out how very important it is for you to begin with a foundation of truth first. What I mean is that it's important to have a full understanding of your identity and blessings obtained in Christ. This may be the most important thing I ever write in this blog: You will never be truly free, unless you understand what Christ did for you. I wish I could go on to give a thorough explanation of this, but let me say that Jesus told us that there's just one thing you and I need in order to be free - free from God's wrath, free from sin, free from our past, free from (fill in the blank). You know what it is, don't you? That's right - truth. "And you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." (John 8:32)

So what is the truth about you if you've received Christ as your Savior? Let's turn to one of my favorite chapters of the Bible and read: "For if we have become united with Him in the likeness of His death, certainly we shall also be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin; for he who has died is freed from sin." (Romans 6:5-7)  There it is - the amazing truth about you and I. Praise God! You and I are free, absolutely free from sin! It's no longer our master; we don't have to "obey" it anymore. In light of this truth then, we have a choice, a decision of the will, to make: To allow it to control us, or not.

"Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace." Romans 6:11-14

Notice Paul's order of things in those verses. He first encourages us to believe the truth and apply it to our thinking ("consider yourselves to be dead to sin..."); then he exhorts us to live our lives in a way that reflects that truth. In Colossians 3:5 he repeats this teaching: "Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry." You and I are dead to those things - if our life is hidden with Christ in God. (Colossians 3:3) Now, I'm making a point of telling you all this because it's easy for us to miss this. For a long time in my Christian walk I didn't walk in light of this truth. Oh, I had read it - many, many times before, and yet it had slipped right by me. The truth was is my head, but it had not yet gotten to my heart. I didn't realize I could actually choose whether to sin or not; nor had I fully grasped who I really am. God's Word tells me that I am "the righteousness of God in Him." (2 Cor. 5:21) Knowing that, why would I ever choose to sin?

Now, please don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating the doctrine of sinless perfection here. There will be days when I sin. Many days unfortunately. I will not always live according to my new nature. The fact that I was unforgiving towards this woman for so long proves that. To be clear then, I'm not saying that you or I will understand this truth and never sin again. I don't believe Paul taught that either. Otherwise he would not need to instruct the Colossians, "But now you also, put them all aside..." (3:8) However, when you and I are armed with the knowledge that we're free to choose what's right, it's very encouraging!

So how do we apply all this in a practical way? The rest of the Colossians passage, as well as Ephesians 4 give us some remarkable advice in regards to this:

"8But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. 9Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, 10and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him— 11a renewal in which there is no distinction between Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave and freeman, but Christ is all, and in all. 12So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; 13bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. 14Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity." Colossians 3:8-14

"But you did not learn Christ in this way, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught in Him, just as truth is in Jesus, that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth." Ephesians 4:20-24 

These two passages should be meditated on and prayed over until they are absolutely burned into our hearts. For me, this "put off/put on" teaching brought about the turning point in forgiving when I realized that my heart was entertaining all the things mentioned in Colossians 3:8. What I did next then was fairly simple. Finding that it wasn't merely enough to take those thoughts "captive" - I set about replacing them. I disciplined myself to immediately think the truth instead. For example, verse 12 of the same chapter tells us to put on a "heart of compassion." So then, instead of chewing over what a horrible person she was, could I not choose to think compassionately about the state of her eternal soul? You see - what a difference! Most importantly, these kind of thoughts are actually pleasing to the Lord. "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer." (Psalm 19:14)

Is it your husband, whom you are still married to, that you're struggling to forgive? Instead of thinking of his faults or how he's wronged you, could you do as that same verse says and put on a "heart of patience?" Lord, he sinned against me, but I'm choosing tonight to bear patiently with him by remembering that I'm just as capable of the same sin. Also, I know that You're patient with me when I offend You. Thank You.

Lastly, let me tell you how I overcame this huge bondage of avoiding town and other places. So far I've only mentioned the first step in this process of freedom. Laying aside sinful thoughts and replacing them with godly, truthful thoughts is the picture of being "renewed in the spirit of (our) mind." (Ephesians 4:23). This alone brings a measure of peace. However, what's wonderful is that the inevitable outworking of changing the way we think, is becoming free in our actions as well.

So I started to pray and allow truth to renew my mind before I went to town. No more angry thoughts whirling around my mind as I jumped in the vehicle! My prayer would go something like this: Father, I thank You that You will never leave me nor forsake me (truth), and so I know You will go with me to town now. As Your daughter, I choose to clothe myself with dignity, as is befitting a child of the King, so that even if I see that woman I can hold my head high. I praise You that You're working all things together for good." After such a prayer, I went to town. Now, it took some time, and persistence in praying this way, but eventually going to town became no big deal again.

I'm so thankful to the Lord for showing me all these things - but especially that I was practicing idolatry and was in bondage in the first place. He brought incredible people into my life to help me overcome. He gave me friends who faithfully prayed. He gave me strength. And He's still working on me! I hope you'll stick around for the rest of the series on forgiveness. Then I promise to get back to the other things I learned through my husband's affair. I can't wait to share them with you.

Take care and God bless!

How We End Up Idolizing Our Husbands

"My soul clings to You;

Your right hand upholds me."

Psalm 63:8

I mentioned something in my last post that I think is worth adding to a bit. I had written about four ways the Lord showed me to exercise quietness with regards to developing and demonstrating a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4). In particular I want to hit on that last one - "Keep quiet about the past." I told you how sometimes our compliments can be interpreted by our husband in a completely different way - especially if the marriage is recovering from infidelity. However, besides what I talked about last time, there is yet another aspect to our attempts at admiration, and their unintended effects, that I want to cover in this post.

When I first started reading books like "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs and "Created to be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl, I thought that the more praise I verbally laid on my husband the better. At one point, though, my husband started responding by saying that I sounded insecure. I couldn't understand this until I sought God and His word. Then I was able to realize what was in my heart and that, as a result of this, I was coming across as clingy to him.

As wives, we have the ability to tremendously bless our husbands with respect, appreciation, and admiration. But when our admiration is excessive, and they sense that they really don't measure up to it, we can send the message that we need them to be whatever it is we're praising them for. We become clingy. An example of this is when I was telling Aaron (often, but in various ways) that he was becoming a godly man and I was proud of him. Nothing wrong with that, right? That's what I thought until, in the process of seeking the Lord, He showed me that I was needing my husband to be godly. I was placing something (or someone) before my need for the Lord.

In her excellent book, "Idols of the Heart: Learning to Long for God Alone" by Elyse Fitzpatrick, she relates this: "What must I have for life to be meaningful or happy? If I answer that question with anything other than God Himself, then that's what functions as a god for me." So had I taken my eyes off the Lord and onto my husband to the point where I had crossed over into idolatry? I believe that is exactly what had happened! Without fully realizing it, I felt I must have a godly husband for my life to be meaningful.

During last summer, when our marriage was breaking apart, it was easy to keep my focus on God. I say "easy" because all I had left was Him, and so I held on to Him for all I was worth. Prayer literally became my lifeline; Scripture my food and drink. I recited Psalm 63:8 (above) over and over in desperate moments throughout those dark days. So look with me then, if you will, a little closer at Psalm 63.

Psalm 63 is a psalm of praise. In verse 5 David says, "...My mouth offers praises with joyful lips." Reading on, in verse 7 he gives God the glory for being his help. Finally, in verse 8 David cries out that his soul clings to (God), and he then praises (appreciates, admires) Him for upholding him with His right hand. Do you see the pattern? Praising and clinging. They naturally go together. That's because in his praising, David was simultaneously expressing his need for God.  He needed and clung to no other. In the same way, our praising and clinging should also be for Him, and Him alone. 


To be clear - it is good for us as wives to praise and compliment our husbands - but we should never allow it to also become clinginess. We do not place our lives, our hope, or our security in our husbands - to do so would be idolatry. Therefore, we need to be on guard that this doesn't happen unconsciously as it did to me.

Now, here's the really interesting part. As I said before, despite our good intentions, if our compliments are too often, not timely and appropriate, many times our husbands will feel like we need them to be something. If that happens, they may come to believe that we really don't like them for who they are. In the "maleness" of their mind, the need to be something begins to translate into the need to do or fix something about themselves.

So if they're being hammered with a particular compliment or praise, it's quite possible for them to become irritated because of a sense of underlying pressure. In either scenario, at the very root of the issue would be the feeling that their wife disrespects them. Truth be told, I feel that I caused this to happen in my own marriage a great deal in the past. Unfortunately, when we wives are guilty of this it is the exact opposite of what we are commanded in Scripture to do toward our husbands:

"And the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:33

The best way I can help you understand this is to illustrate it. So let's say you're a seamstress. Someone comes to your home while you're working and throws a jacket with a big rip in it down on your sewing table. With a shrug and a smile they say, "You're such a great seamstress."  At first you're flattered and so you set to work. Five days later, with each day bringing more of the same, you start to feel disrespected. Never once have they actually directly asked you to do something, but the pressure is there just as if they had. 


Now, when you see this person and they only mention that they think you're a great seamstress, you would rightly feel like they might be looking for you to fix something for them. Now, maybe this is not the best analogy, but I hope it helps a little. Men think differently than we do. Their minds go to how to fix things, people, and situations. When we compliment too often, do we appear to be hinting that they need to do this? If we really allow God to search our hearts, do we find our "admiration" to be just another subtle form of manipulation? Ouch! I know this one hurts because I've been there!

My suggestion - and this is what I've been learning in my own experience - is to compliment your husband when it's appropriate to the situation. For example, if Aaron just played with our daughter and made her feel special, I tell him what a great dad he is. I acknowledge what he did, rather than complimenting him out of the blue and making him feel like I want him to do something. If your husband is like mine, he will really love being acknowledged. Then, along with your appreciation for specific things, sprinkle in some sincere admiration - "Those new pants look great on you" - and he'll feel like a million bucks!

"Like apples of gold in settings of silver,
Is a word spoken in right circumstances."
Proverbs 25:11