Empty Wives Hungering for More

Sorry I haven't posted for a little while. Life has been incredibly hectic these last few weeks! My heart has been here on the blog, but my body just hasn't been in front of the computer very much!

Anyway, before I move on with Biblical femininity versus false femininity, I felt a tug at my heart to reach out to those who may be hurting in their marriage right now. I pray that God will restore hope to you, my dear sister, by reminding you over and over again that He is for you and for your marriage. Your relationship with your husband will not be healed by you, but by your Heavenly Father...

  

"Jesus said to them, 'My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to accomplish His work.' " John 4:34

Recently I came across this verse while reading the Bible and it caused me to stop and ponder it. Jesus said that His food was to do God's will. It really got me to thinking about whether I could say that or not. Jesus derived His very sustenance from obeying His father.

For some reason this led me to think about all that I've been writing lately and all the women across America who are feeling hurt and empty in their marriages. I started to wonder if there were a connection between John 4:34 and this struggle of such a vast number of wives. 

Then this week while I was praying about the blog I began to feel the Lord speaking to me about this verse and others like it. He laid on my heart a simple message to hurting wives. 

God Created Men and Women with Different "Orientations"

Funny, but it actually first happened while I was bringing my "complaints" before God. I had been telling Him how it's been kind of hard lately since Aaron has been working so much - leaving me feeling a bit "disconnected." I was really struggling with this and, what's worse, I sensed that he didn't share this concern at all. Our relationship just wasn't on his "radar!" Believe me, it was tempting to revert to old ways of thinking and to feel sorry for myself. However, as I prayed that God might intervene so my husband would get a break (and thus we could spend more time together), a question came suddenly to my mind.

It was as if God asked me, "What did I create Aaron for?" I thought about it for a moment before I replied. "Work, Lord. You created him for work." Then He spoke to my heart again. "What did I create you for?" This time I didn't hesitate as a light bulb was beginning to come on. "You created me to be a help meet, Father. You made me for my husband."


The truth washed over me and with it came His incredible peace. I want to share this with you now too, dear sister. You see, God made our husbands for work - that is their created purpose. "The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it." (Genesis 2:15) So when your husband or mine is focused on his work, he's just doing what he was created to do. Therefore, we need to understand this: Men are work-oriented by their divinely-created nature. 


Now, this isn't to discredit the fact that there are some "workaholic" type men out there; but by and large, I'm afraid that what we label "workaholic" most of the time is really just hard-working and diligent.


But how can you know? let's take a look again at a concept I've discussed only briefly before. It's the idea of goodwill. Is your husband good willed toward you? If he knew you were troubled about his work schedule and you communicated this to him in a non-critical and respectful way, would he attempt to make changes if he could? I know that when I really think about it Aaron tells me all the time that he wishes he didn't have to work so much. He's good willed towards me. By contrast, a man who truly has a problem like workaholism (a silly term in some ways because of its overuse) is a selfish man who is not concerned with the feeling of others. This is much the same way an alcoholic acts selfish and abusive toward others.


However, let's get back to orientations. We've discussed the masculine trait; that man was created for work. But of course there is the feminine side of creation as well. Here we see that woman was created for man. Therefore our number one focus isn't usually work, but rather relationships. We tend to be relationship-oriented. This difference between men and women explains why unless we're fighting or having major problems, my husband assumes all is well in our marriage. He goes on with his work, focused not on me - but on his tasks! 


Meanwhile, this relationship-oriented wife can start to feel neglected; oftentimes assuming some things of my own! I entertain sinful accusations such as: my husband doesn't care, he puts other things ahead of me, or fill in the blank - you name it and I've probably thought it. Of course this kind of thinking is the very opposite of the description of love found in 1 Corinthians 13. In particular let's look at the exhortation in verse 7: "(Love) bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." The phrase I've underlined, "believes all things," contains the notion of believing the best about someone. This includes our husbands ladies! 


Let's remember that when we are carnally-minded, thinking the worst about our spouse, rather than spiritually-minded as in 1 Corinthians 13, we will experience the consequences of that choice. (And, truly, it is a choice!) Look with me at Romans 8:6: "For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace." Do you want to have peace? Then think loving thoughts toward your husband - mixed with large doses of understanding and patience! Choose to believe that your husband is not purposely ignoring you, but is working hard to provide for you! 


I just want to share one more thing on this idea of men and women and their orientations. A neat discovery I've made in the last couple years comes from the book, Motivating Your Man God's Way: Applying One Word That Energizes Him to Love by Dr. Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs. In the chapter entitled "His Friendship: Respecting His Desire for Shoulder-to-Shoulder Relationship" they speak of men's desire for shoulder-to-shoulder activities with their wives. Whereas the desire of most wives is for face-to-face conversation, this just doesn't factor in highly in a man's view of things. Consider this quote from the book: 


"A wife can so focus on face-to-face talking that she overlooks the massive amount of positive energy that fills his spirit when she does shoulder-to-shoulder activities. In fact, he has the same goal that she does: to be close friends."


You see, neither desire is right or wrong; they're just different. Yet, not understanding this difference is where we can get into trouble. For example, if it's been awhile since our hubby sat down across from us for a cup of coffee and some good conversation, we might be tempted to feel that we haven't really "connected" lately. However, he doesn't necessarily feel the same way. He's not likely to feel a bit disconnected by the lack of this. What he does long for and get energized by though is doing something together. And guess what? When we begin to grasp all this and make changes to accommodate our husband, we can not only increase his feelings of love for us (the thing we want most); we can also spend more time with him than ever before!


So what can we do? It's simple - join him in his work and play. No, I don't mean go to the office with him. But let me ask you: Does he do work in the yard? Then why not go out and join him? Could he use your help with emails, phone calls, or paperwork? Do it and enjoy knowing that you're being his help meet - a helper suitable. Does he like to jog? Jog with him! (This is me preaching to myself! For years my husband asked me to go jogging with him and I balked at it. However, for the last year and a half I've been going with him and have learned to happily enjoy this "unusual" form of togetherness, even though I most certainly am a coffee klatch kind of woman!) Are you starting to understand, dear sister? By doing this you will tremendously bless your marriage through your "sacrifice" and please God at the same time.

Still Hungering

By now perhaps you're wondering when I'm going to tie in the beginning verse of Scripture with this message. I'd like to do that in just a moment. With a heavy heart, I realize that sometimes a marriage is beyond, sometimes well beyond, the need for the "band-aid" that I've seemed to prescribe above. Sometimes our relationship with our husband is so painful that we hurt down to our very soul. Friend, believe me, I have been there. I know what it's like to experience emotional distress so great that it actually physically hurts. Therefore, please allow me to share two thoughts on this that I hope may help someone who may be in that dark place right now. The second suggestion I will lay out in practical steps as we elaborate more on it in the weeks to come.

To begin then, I encourage you to do a thorough search of the Psalms sometime soon. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that you will find a lot of "company" in them. In fact, a great many reveal King David in the depths of despair; times of intense emotional, physical, and spiritual pain. But there's something I really want you to notice. Read such Psalms carefully and you will see that while David spills out all his agony, he almost always "sandwiches" it between wonderful declarations of faith. 


A good example of this is Psalm 31. He begins the first section of the Psalm by saying, "In You, O LORD, I have taken refuge..." (Verse 1) Then in the next section, beginning around verse 9, he moves to expressing his complaints: "Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; My eye is wasted away from grief, my soul and my body also." (Notice that he even speaks of physical ailments stemming from his emotional state-of-being.) However, once again David turns his attention to the Almighty God in verse 14 with a bold statement of faith, which continues beautifully throughout the rest of the Psalm: "But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD, I say, 'You are my God.' "


David is a good example for us. When we're in a situation with almost no human strength left, like the Psalmist we often find that our hunger for the things of this world decreases, while our hunger for God increases. Even though our present reality may be one of suffering, we seem to make our way back to Him as the physical takes a backseat to the spiritual. Or, as I like to think, the spiritual takes precedence over the physical. In the Psalms David demonstrates this by beginning and ending with God in all his trials. I believe, however, this is just the way God made us. He created us with a need to be satisfied in Him alone - a soul hunger.

Satisfaction for the Soul 

Without trying to be redundant on this blog, if hunger for God is the diagnosis, how do we go about satisfying this hunger for Him? Of course, there are the obvious ways. The first being that we draw nearer to Him through earnest prayer and study and meditation of His Word. However, with that said I feel compelled to also warn. This is something we must do for ourselves; it cannot be merely reading about or listening to someone else talk about their relationship with God. Biographies and other books are great and can really encourage us; but they are no substitute for developing our own habit of spiritual discipline. 

"As the deer pants for the water brooks, So my soul pants for You, O God." Psalm 42:1

In Spurgeon's unequaled Treasury of David, he writes of the verse above: "As after a long drought the poor fainting hind longs for the streams, or rather as the hunted hart instinctively seeks after the river to lave its smoking flanks and to escape the dogs, even so my weary, persecuted soul pants after the Lord my God. Debarred from public worship, David was heartsick. Ease he did not seek, honour he did not covet, but the enjoyment of communion with God was an urgent need of his soul; he viewed it not merely as the sweetest of all luxuries, but as an absolute necessity, like water to a stag. Like the parched traveller in the wilderness, whose skin bottle is empty, and who finds the wells dry, he must drink or die - he must have his God or faint. His soul, his very self, his deepest life, was insatiable for a sense of the divine presence."


I think there's an amazing parallel here. The emphasis that Charles Spurgeon placed on David as one being "debarred from public worship" is often true of how we feel when we're experiencing trials. For example, have you ever felt like avoiding fellowship, embarrassed at the thought of people finding out about your troubles? Are you afraid that others wouldn't understand what you're going through? Or perhaps you've experienced a sense of isolation because of your marriage troubles? Boy, let me tell you - I've been there and done that! And to a degree these things are true. Our trial is unique to us. But we're not alone. Like David, we have a God who will satisfy our longings and meet the heart's deepest need for communion. But we must seek Him in earnest.


Then, we must also seek to be like Him. Now, mind you, He doesn't call us to make sure our husband is becoming more like Him. It's easy to think that if our spouse would just be like this, or like that, or in some way different than he is now, our marriage problems would go away. Oftentimes we spiritualize this tendency by saying that we just want our husband to love us "like Christ loved the church." Friend, if this describes you then please stop right now! Of course we want our husband to love us this way - but we can't make him do anything! No amount of pleading, guilt-tripping, preaching, or manipulating can bring it about. In fact, our drive to change him will almost assure that he will not love us in this manner; and worse, it could actually cool his love altogether.


No, we cannot change our husband. We must leave that to God. The only person we can change is ourself. It is for our own sake that we must seek Him and plead that He will give us the power to change. Remember, He will do the work if we'll just allow Him: "For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure." (Philippians 2:13) Dear friend, let me lovingly tell you that as long as your eyes are on your husband you will not be able to see the Lord. This is so crucial that I'm going to say that again in a slightly different way. As long as your eyes (your focus, your energy) are on fixing your husband, they will not be on Jesus. Let that speak to you a moment while I remind you of what Scripture commands us to do:

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

Besides growing closer to Christ is there a benefit to this? Of course! Many, many benefits of which may include a happier, more fulfilling marriage. Look with me at a familiar verse: "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33) Do you see? First and foremost we seek God; then we seek to walk in righteousness; and lastly, on the condition that we do these things, there's a promised reward. He will "add" all these other things to us. Could a God-honoring marriage be one of those things? Yes, I believe so. This type of marriage is a blessing to us for our faithfulness, and a glory to His Holy name.

That "Other" Suggestion

Okay, I realize that I still haven't gotten to that verse at the beginning, or that second, more practical suggestion yet. So here's what I feel like the Lord has been laying on my heart. Sometimes we can be doing all the "right things." We can be praying, reading His Word, fellowshipping with other believers, and serving at church. It's a sad fact but we can faithfully be doing all these things and despite this, still be missing the point. And as a consequence we feel empty. We feel like there should be more. I know because I've done it! 

This state of "missing the point" happens when we are not walking in God's perfect will. It can be in any number of areas but I'll give just a few examples wives are apt to be guilty of: Not fulfilling our role as wife; not being in submission to our husband; not treating our husband with respect; or perhaps expecting our husband to meet all our needs. I could easily list more because all four that I mentioned here describe me for seventeen years! During all that time I felt the lack of true joy in my life because unknowingly I was disobeying God in my marriage. I honestly believed, however, that this lack of joy was due to my husband's behavior, not mine.

So let's look once more at that verse from John: "Jesus said to them, 'My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to accomplish His work.' " (John 4:34) Again what Jesus was saying here is that His sustenance came from doing His Father's will. In our modern language we might say that he was "energized" by doing the Father's will.

The same is true of us, dear sister. We're happiest, most-satisfied, and most-nurtured in Christ when we are doing His will. Have you ever noticed that people who are spiritually mature and are seeking to please the Lord in all areas of their lives are often the most energetic people you know? These are well-fed Christians! They receive power and grace for living - spiritual food - because they're obedient to the "work" the Father has given them. 


On the other hand, observe a Christian who is walking in obvious disobedience and what do you see? They're tired... they're frustrated... they're depressed. Is it any wonder? Not when we consider what the Bible says in Matthew 4:4: "But He answered and said, 'It is written, "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.' " Here we see clearly that God's Word is food for the believer; but we must ask ourselves, How then do we partake of it? Only by obeying it as Jesus did when He stated, "I know Him and keep His Word." (John 8:55) I'm afraid, however, that far too many Christians are "malnourished" for lack of spiritual food. They are not doers of the Word, but are merely hearers who James 1:22 says "deceive themselves."

Let me encourage you today. Our food is to do God's will. It's to obey what His Word says. If you were to read the entire passage from John 4 you would see that Jesus told His disciples that He had food to eat that they didn't know about. (Verse 32) We, too, as followers of Christ, have food to eat which the world doesn't know about. It cannot know about it because it doesn't know the Source of that food. 


In this day and age of a culture dominated by feminism, we have an upward battle as women to "unlearn" much of what we have been taught. Unfortunately, even in the church there are subtle hints of it that have crept in largely unnoticed. Perhaps this is why the divorce rate among evangelicals is climbing. But you and I can change that. Oh, maybe not in the larger picture, but we can change things inside the four walls of our own homes.  When we begin to do this - living out the Lord's will for us in our marriage - we will discover greater happiness and peace than we can ever imagine! We will no longer feel empty and hungry, but will be "filled" with food because we are obeying our Heavenly Father. The spiritual will take precedence over the physical.


So what is God's will for us as wives? Well, for starters we know that we are to respect our husbands as we're commanded to Ephesians 5:33, as well as other passages. By the poll that's here on the blog you might have guessed that I plan to do a series of posts of what respect looks like, and practical ways we can live this out. I've already begun to hint at some of those things in the last post about the adulteress. However, there's so much more and I really look forward to exploring them with you! 


But secondly, before I get to the series on respect, I still plan on doing the post on Biblical femininity. This will teach us basic things that we should be doing and striving toward as women of God, as well as what to avoid. I hope it will be a challenge to us all. 


In summary of the things we've looked at today, there are three points: Men and women are oriented differently, we must seek a deeper relationship with God, and we must seek spiritual food by obeying Him. I think a key thing to remember, dear sister, is that becoming what I like to call a "1 Peter 3 wife" is a lifetime of learning. It's not an impossible or overwhelming task. It's simply one day and one step at a time. We don't need to become discouraged when God only asks us to do the "next thing." What's more, He's there to help us in all our weaknesses!


God is so good. His lovingkindness towards you and me extends to the heavens, and His faithfulness reaches to the skies. (Psalm 36:5) Go in peace this week!

Identifying & Overcoming Obstacles to Healing - Part 1: Disillusionment

Yesterday, as I was putting together some thoughts on the subject that I had intended to write about, I felt strongly that perhaps I've given the wrong impression. I wonder if I've made it seem that everything has been wonderful and rosy for Aaron and I during the process of healing our marriage. Almost as if, through prayer, every day has been better than the last.

Well, let me just assure you, in case you've been reading this blog and comparing notes; if you're thinking to yourself that some days are just plain BAD between you and your spouse, that that's definitely been the case with us as well. There have been some bad days. Some really bad days. It hasn't always been a stroll through the park. However, let me also emphasize this: although there have been times when we seemed to be taking two steps forward then one step back, overall it's been very good. The Lord has been faithful and we continue to learn and grow together. Additionally, I should add here that Aaron's spiritual growth, as well as mine, has also not always appeared to be moving forward. In fact, it's been a cycle of ups and downs; but again, the overall sense has definitely been one of growing in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Maybe an analogy will help. I enjoy growing African Violets. I have four plants of different varieties. At times, they amaze me with their growth; they seem to be outgrowing their pots when I've just barely put the potting soil away. Other times, I ask myself, "What's wrong with these plants?" I wonder why one is looking yellow, while another has ugly spots on its leaves. What's more, there's the flowers - each plant seems to bloom at a different time! However, one thing is certain: They're all growing. I'd even say that they're all thriving. It's just that sometimes it's more apparent than at other times.

To be sure, conditions will affect the plants: Are they getting enough water? Am I watering the proper way or am I being careless? Are they receiving the right amount of light? Anyway, you get the idea. If any of these details are neglected or overlooked, they will suffer. Sometimes, though, they just aren't growing as fast for no particular reason; there is nothing I could change or do that would make them grow any faster.

It's the same with us and our marriage restoration. Sometimes you and your spouse will really seem to be growing as a couple, and other times you won't. There will be periods when things are blooming, and periods when there may be some ugly "spots" in your marriage. Some days you may just need to pray about what conditions need to be changed. All this is totally normal! Just like I would never give up on any of those plants - I have nursed at least one African Violet that looked to be at death's door back to health - so you and I should not give up on our marriages either.

Therefore, in this post I hope to encourage those of you who right now may be feeling discouraged about your marriage restoration. In this and the next post I'm going to identify what I'm calling the "four Ds:" obstacles that can keep us from moving forward in that process, and how we can overcome them. Additionally, I believe that even if you aren't working through marriage issues, but are facing a different trial, this post is for you, too, as these are common challenges to anyone working to heal.

First thing then, before we get started, I'd like to give you a verse to cling to on deep, dark days that is very fitting: "For a just [man] falleth seven times, and riseth up again..." (Proverbs 24:16) Simply put, this means don't give up! As my pastor said recently - keep doing the right thing, for the right reason. If you've fallen down, messed up, or just feel discouraged - get up and try again. Remember God's faithfulness; in light of it, will you believe that He'll see you through? Dear sister, I know He will. Not one situation, from near disaster to the smallest bump in the road, in the healing of your marriage, escapes His notice. He knows about it already and desires to give you the answer because His Word tells us, "He layeth up sound wisdom for the upright." ((Proverbs 2:7) Praise God for this and let it encourage you.

Four Obstacles to Marriage Restoration

To begin, let me say that I experienced every one of these obstacles to healing at various times during the rebuilding of our marriage. While each of them may naturally occur when working through a painful situation, it seemed in my case as if Satan kept attempting to exploit them to bring about his own purposes. How good he is at rubbing salt into an open wound! Thankfully we have the verse of Scripture which tells us, "You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world." (1 John 4:4) The Lord helped me to stand strong. Looking back, however, I can see that had I allowed any of these to take hold of me, our story might have had a different ending. 

But before we go on, please allow me to give you this warning up front: Beware lest you allow the enemy to come in through any one of these four Ds, much like the "fiery darts" spoken of in Ephesians 6:16; plummeting you and/or your marriage into ruin. We know that Satan would love nothing more; for he comes to steal, kill, and destroy. (John 10:10) On the other hand, please also be encouraged. They don't have to if you learn to identify and handle them Biblically. With that said, then, let's go ahead and take a look at what these four obstacles are:

1. Disillusionment: This is what happens when we look too much to the past, idealize it, and long to recapture it. However, in the case of adultery, there comes the inevitable raw moment. Sometime, during the process of restoration, we face the truth about life before the affair, though perhaps we'd rather not. We may go back and forth for some time, trying to believe that our marriage was really good before all "this" happened - and just wanting that back. It's possible to wander around in limbo like this for a while, unable to wrap our mind around the fact that what we believed about ourselves, and our marriage, may not have been true. It's natural, during this time, to go back to holding on to our illusion with wistful thoughts like, "That was before the affair," or, "Back in the good 'ol days."

Often disillusionment will be accompanied by deep regret and an impossible wish to turn back the clock - to a time, I might add, that never really existed! I cannot overstate how many days I spent in this pit; fantasizing that I'd open my eyes and it would have all been a bad dream. The longing for a better place and time would be so intense at times that it would be physically painful. I've read that this is an almost universal feeling shared by betrayed spouses.

However, the actual realization of the truth - ie, the moment of disillusionment with the past - isn't what keeps us from moving forward. Rather, it's the defeated feeling of "What's the use then of trying to repair this marriage?" that results from it, that is most often the cause. Notice my use of the word "defeated" in that last sentence. I chose it because not only does it really describe that feeling (and just so happens to be another "D" word); but it also emphasizes the spiritual truth of what the enemy wants us to be - defeated! That's why recognizing disillusionment for what it is, and realizing that the past does not dictate the future, may help.

So how can you recognize if you're stuck in this state? My answer is simple: Wishing, wishing, wishing - that's the main "symptom." If you find that you want to be more in the make-believe past, than in the grievous present, it's possible you're experiencing disillusionment. Oh, how I empathize with you, friend, if you're struggling with this right now!

Now, what can we do to tackle this with God's wisdom? First, I think it begins with a question. I want you to be brutally honest - if things were really all that great before, then why was there an affair in the first place? Ouch - I know that one hurts because eventually I had to ask myself that question too. And face the answer squarely. I needed to do this whether I felt like it or not.

But maybe you're going through a different trial - then let me ask this: What is it that God was perhaps trying to deal with you before this happened that you shrugged off or ignored? No matter which of these questions you ask yourself (or maybe both!), you will need to be in prayer and ask God to reveal the answer to you. Beyond this, think on God's Word. What does the Bible say about dwelling in the past? Is it ever recommended? That's a rhetorical question but one that I hope makes a point. Of course we're not to dwell in the past; only learn from it. Remember what the Apostle Paul tells us: "...one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead." (Philippians 3:13)

So then, I'm encouraging you, if you haven't already, to remove any blinders you may be wearing. See your past, including your own actions and behavior, for what it really is. I know it's possible that some might say, "Oh, but that's scary, I'm not sure I want to probe too much into the past." However, it's important to find out what the Bible has to say about this. (You may wonder where I'm going with this, but bear with me). It tells us that the only way to be free, and subsequently experience healing, is to know the truth. John 8:32 says, "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."  Additionally, Clarke's commentary on this verse says, "No man is truly free, but he in whose heart the power of sin is destroyed."

Now, I can't tell you what sin you need to be free from, but I can tell you this: If there's been an affair - emotional or physical, it matters not - there is, without a doubt, something in your marriage history that is not right, and is sin. Yes, I know that your husband sinned too - maybe even more - but that isn't for you to worry about. That's God's job; you just worry about you. In my case, it didn't take too long in asking God to show me my sin, that which had contributed to the breakdown of our marriage, for Him to do it. I will be sharing this with you soon. I know this will sound blunt, but for the sake of the future get out of the past and face the truth! This will be the only way to destroy the power of that sin, whatever it may be, from ever hurting you and your marriage again.

In closing this first post on this subject let me remind you that God's Word, in Psalm 19:12, says, "Who can understand his errors? Cleanse thou me from secret faults."

Secret faults. Do you have any? In one commentary it says that the psalmist was referring to errors and faults which had been hidden from the eye of him who had committed them. How true! We are truly blind to our own faults. But the good news is that through the power and ministry of the Holy Spirit we have God's Holy Light so that we may exult, "...In Your light we see light," (Psalm 36:9) and our destructive ways may be revealed and healed.

In summary, then, if you're dealing with disillusionment here are three ways to overcome it: 1) Ask yourself tough questions about the past. 2) Face the truth about the past and stop dwelling there. (If necessary, remind yourself often that, in reality, it wasn't all it should have been.) 3) Discover your faults, confess them to God, and ask Him to help you change.

I hope to post Part 2 tomorrow or Wednesday, Lord willing. So glad you stopped by! May He be the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort to you this week! (2 Corinthians 1:3)

Healing Your Marriage Through Forgiveness: Part 2

In this post I'm continuing my series on forgiveness. So far we've only covered one principle; determining that it's God's will that we forgive. Now we'll move on and examine additional principles dealing with more of the heart issues. I'm really excited! God has done such amazing things in my life, and in my marriage, through the grace of forgiveness. I can hardly wait to share them with you. And since He is no respecter of persons (Acts 10:34), I believe He will do great things in your life, too, as you walk a life of obedience.

Now, when I think about forgiveness I can't help but feel that this next truth is the one I treasure most, for a couple of reasons. For one, because it's highly practical; and two, because it seems to speak the most to wounded hearts. I hope you are as anxious as I am to get to it!

Freedom, Healing, Fruit-Bearing, & Reconciliation

Forgiveness is God's Plan (to Set You Free): When we looked at forgiveness being God's will, our text was Matthew 6. Now let's turn a few chapters to Matthew 18 and read another familiar passage of Scripture:

23“For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. 24When he had begun to settle them, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. 25But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made. 26So the slave fell to the ground and prostrated himself before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.’ 27And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt. 28But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay back what you owe.’ 29So his fellow slave fell to the ground and began to plead with him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ 30But he was unwilling and went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed. 31So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened. 32Then summoning him, his lord said to him, ‘You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?’ 34And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. 35My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.” (Matthew 18:23-35)

Often referred to as "The Parable of the Wicked Servant," or,"The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant," this powerful passage of Scripture gives us ample opportunity to glean some wisdom for our own lives. Let's go ahead then and study it in more detail!

The first thing I'd like to note is the amount of debt the servant owed the master - ten thousand talents. To understand this staggering sum I will quote from Max Lucado: "Before 'talent' meant skill, it meant money. It represented the largest unit of accounting in the Greek currency – 10,000 denarii. According to the parable of the workers, a denarius represented a day’s fair wages (Matt. 20:2). Multiply your daily wage by 10,000, and you discover the value of a talent. If you earn $30,000 a year and you annually work 260 days, you make about $115 a day. A talent in your case is valued at 10,000 times $115 or $1,150,000." Now, don't forget - the servant owed ten thousand times this amount; an impossible amount to repay! 

Interestingly, the servant in this parable never acknowledges his inability to do this. In fact, he actually tells his master that he will repay (v. 29). This is an important, but often overlooked, detail of the story. I think it demonstrates that he never fully realized how great his debt was; and subsequently, he was not truly humbled to appreciate the gift of forgiveness he was about to receive. This should be a warning to us. Have we soul-searchingly humbled ourselves before the mighty throne of God, looked upon His perfect holiness, and admitted that our sin was greater than we could ever repay? Before you shrug this off as being a rhetorical question, consider this: often the greatest test of this we'll ever face is when we, like the unmerciful servant, must deal with someone who "owes us." Let me explain what I mean.

As in the parable, whenever someone is injured, offended, or sinned against by another, it establishes a debtor relationship. The person in your life that hurt you is your "debtor." The proud servant in this passage had a debtor too. How did he deal with him? He "went and threw him in prison." Locked him up. Funny thing is, he sent his fellow servant to prison where he could not repay the debt. So what good did it do the wicked servant to do this? You and I know the answer, don't we? No good. Likewise, no one can ever repay us for the harm they caused either. And because they can't repay, it does us no good to "get even" or to hold their offense against them forever.

I hope, my friend, you can see the direction I'm leading you. In your heart of hearts you know that your husband, the other woman, or whomever, owes you. However, I'm also asking you to consider how much, how great a payment, you owe God. Remember: the servant (who we are much alike, I'm afraid) owed more than he could ever repay; while the fellow servant owed much, much less. Ouch, that hurts! Oh how our flesh cringes at the thought that this person, who hurt us so badly - maybe worse than we've ever experienced, owes us little in the light of our debt towards God.

This concept however, when fully grasped, will set you free in two ways: First, and most importantly, you will be able to praise God like never before. Meditate with me on Paul's words in these two verses: "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) He did this while we were still utterly offensive to Him! And think - our offenses were worse, infinitely worse than that particular person's offenses against you and me. Now that truly is love. What's more, it is with that incredible love that He actively loves us! Did you catch the word "actively" there? If you doubt that, or just need encouragement, grab your Bible and check out Romans 8:35-39. Please, don't just read it. Drink it in! Let each word speak to your heart today!

35"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. 37Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. 38For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."


The second verse is 2 Corinthians 9:15, "Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!" Although lengthy, I like what the 19th century theologian Albert Barnes said in his Notes on the New Testament regarding this: "This is a gift unspeakably great, whose value no language can express, no heart fully conceive. It is so because:
(a) Of His own greatness and glory;


(b) Because of the inexpressible love which He evinced;


(c) Because of the unutterable sufferings which He endured;


(d) Because of the inexpressibly great benefits which result from His work. No language can do justice to this work in either of these respects; no heart in this world fully conceives the obligation which rests upon man in virtue of His work.


(2) Thanks should be rendered to God for this. We owe Him our highest praises for this. This appears:


(a) Because it was mere benevolence in God. We had no claim; we could not compel Him to grant us a Saviour. The gift might have been withheld, and His throne would have been spotless, We owe no thanks where we have a claim; where we deserve nothing, then He who benefits us has a claim on our thanks.


(b) Because of the benefits which we have received from Him. Who can express this? All our peace and hope; all our comfort and joy in this life; all our prospect of pardon and salvation; all the offers of eternal glory are to be traced to Him. Man has no prospect of being happy when he dies but in virtue of the "unspeakable gift" of God. And when he thinks of his sins, which may now be freely pardoned; when he thinks of an agitated and troubled conscience, which may now be at peace; when he thinks of his soul, which may now be unspeakably and eternally happy; when he thinks of the hell from which he is delivered, and of the heaven to whose eternal glories he may now be raised up by the gift of a Saviour, his heart should overflow with gratitude, and the language should be continually on his lips and in his heart, "thanks be unto God for His unspeakable gift." Every other mercy should seem small compared with this; and every manifestation of right feeling in the heart should lead us to contemplate the source of it, and to feel, as Paul did, that all is to be traced to the unspeakable gift of God."


Well, I certainly couldn't have said it better myself! But let's look at the second way you can be set free by the truth we're discovering in this parable. It deals with your heart. Look again at the last statement Jesus makes in the passage from Matthew, "My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.” What will the Father do? Verse 34 tells us that He will hand you over to be "tortured." While this may seem harsh for me to point this out, what I mean is that when you're unforgiving towards someone, your heart is in bondage. The best way for me to demonstrate this is to share a little snippet from my own story.


I've mentioned several times the lady whom the Lord sent into my life. Well, after I confessed to her that I was struggling with unforgiveness, I shared the details of it - how it was affecting my life. Since we live in the country, I told her that I avoided going to town as much as possible. I was so angry towards that woman that it kept me from going certain places, and driving down certain streets, whenever I had to be in town - because I might run into her! Immediately my friend said to me, "Why are you making an idol of this woman?" I replied, "What do you mean?!" She went on, "Who is controlling your life right now? Who's determining what you do and don't do? Would you say it's the Holy Spirit or this woman?" I thought for a moment. The woman I guess. "Then she's become an idol to you. And God does not want you to have anything before Him."

Oh boy - did she ever hit the nail on the head! I was in bondage, because I was steeped in idolatry. My heart was not right with the Lord as long as someone else controlled me. Who or what should control you and me then? "For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died." (2 Cor. 5:14) Since according to 1 John 4:16 God is love, we can reason that the "love of Christ" and God are one and the same. Therefore, God alone should be the One to control us. And notice the connection between that "controlling" love and the rest of the verse. It caused Paul to "conclude" something - to be affected in his way of thinking. I believe that we, too, should be transformed in the same manner. I'm talking about the very things we allow into in our hearts. Remember Paul's admonition in 2 Cor. 10:5 to take "every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." Friend, don't let that other person be your "master." Be free by taking those unforgiving thoughts captive, and by letting God's love both reassure and change you. At the end I'll have some concluding thoughts about that.

Well, I have gone on too long again. I'm starting to think that I'll only be able to mention one point in each of these posts! Anyway, let me share just two more things about freedom through forgiveness. Jesus said to forgive "from the heart." So how do you do that? Simply put, you make a conscious decision of the will to release that person from the debt they owe you. You may not "feel" anything right away. Don't worry, that's not the point. It's your decision that matters. You do have the ability to do it because God has already given you, through His divine power, everything pertaining to life and godliness. (2 Peter 1:3) I've talked about that quite a bit already and I hope you're beginning to believe it, and grab hold of it. I encourage you to no longer allow Satan to "rent a room" in your heart; but rather, be like Jesus who said in John 14:30, "I will not speak much more with you, for the ruler of the world is coming, and he has nothing in Me."

In closing, let me share this wonderful quote from Lewis Smedes, "When you release the wrongdoer from the wrong, you cut a malignant tumor out of your inner life. You set a prisoner free, but you discover that the real prisoner was yourself."

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't also share a wonderful series on forgiveness that you can download and listen to on your computer. It's by Charlyne Steinkamp, who has an amazing testimony of healing in her marriage. It's entitled, "Forgive Them" and can be found here:
http://rejoiceministries.org/forgivethem.html?utm_source=forgivethem.net&utm_medium=domain&utm_campaign=forgivethem.net
The Steinkamps founded Rejoice Marriage Ministries, and it's one of the most significant ministries I know of that's reaching out to hurting marriages and those battling to save them.

Blessings! Remember that God is your strength, your fortress, and your refuge. (Jer. 16:19)

What I've Learned Through My Husband's Affair

For the last several weeks I've had a draft which I started to write that deals with abortion, but each time I go to work on it I feel "nudged" to write about my husband's affair instead. I'm not sure why that is, but if it's God then I want to be obedient!

Anyway, I think what I really want to do is share some hope through these next few posts. I can hardly believe it's already been over fourteen months since that ugly morning I found out about the other woman in my husband's life. And yet, in a good and healthy way it seems an eternity ago too. I think that's because the marriage I have now is vastly different than the relationship I had with Aaron before his affair. Vastly better! I honestly believe that this can be the outcome of anyone - man or woman - who seeks the Lord earnestly and is willing to "stand in the gap" on behalf of their marriage.

Since I tend to get a little long-winded (sorry!), I want to share the things that I've learned in the face of adultery over several posts - each week focusing on one point. At any time during this series please feel free to contact me by private email if you're in this situation and need encouragement, titus2homemaker@gmail.com. While I had wonderful, godly friends who stood by me, whose help was immeasurable, at times I really felt like I needed to talk to someone who had been there. To a woman who could relate. Since none of my friends had experienced infidelity, it was hard for them to understand the depth of what I was going through. For that I relied on books and the Internet. Later on I will share some of those resources and ministries that helped me to keep going. Right now though, I want you to know that I'm praying for those of you facing this trial who might be feeling like you can't go on another day. If I can help, it would be my pleasure to be your "listening ear," as well as a partner in the battle for your marriage.

For me, the day I found out about my husband's "friend" was one of the most painful in my life. Like many people in that circumstance, I saw the warning signs but never thought infidelity would rock my world. After all, we were Christians! We believed in commitment and the permanence of marriage. Unfortunately, words just don't mean much. Adultery does happen in Christian marriages and at an increasingly alarming rate.

In our relationship, the months prior to Aaron's revelation were very lonely ones. We had really drifted apart and spent little time with each other. I was focused on the kids while my husband seemed to grow more and more selfish. He spent a great deal of time exercising and grooming. It got to the point where he skipped family meal times so that he could go running. He spent so much time in front of the mirror that I remember thinking he was worse than a teenage girl. I felt frustrated with the lack of interest he showed the children and me, but I had no idea what to do about it. Whenever I approached him to talk he always seemed so angry. Eventually I gave up trying because I felt worse after I did. Added to all this I was insecure because his sexual desire for me had completely died as well. To help myself I tried to reason that he was probably just stressed out and tired from work. Of course, most of all, I hoped that things would get better sooner or later.

However, the thing that was really shocking, and made me feel afraid, was when he began holding views and opinions that were totally contrary to Scripture. For the first time in our seventeen year marriage he was saying things like he was sick and tired of being good and "following rules." He expressed regret for not having sown wild oats as a young man and for keeping himself sexually pure! I was hurt and bewildered by these statements; I just couldn't understand it! I remembered back to a conversation he had had with our oldest child only months before where he had shared some great nuggets of spiritual wisdom. My mind screamed out, "Could this really be the same man?!?"

After learning the truth about his affair, my husband's irrational behavior brought to light my first vital discovery: God never changes. My husband may change, but God never will. Simple enough truth, but when I grasped it in its fullness it became a soul anchor for me. Because He remains the same, you and I can rely on His faithfulness. He will not, nor can He, let us down! Our Father is our refuge. If you are experiencing the heart-wrenching trial of marital unfaithfulness, I cannot emphasize enough the primary importance of an intimate relationship with God. 

You must seek Him now in ways you may never have before; spending more time in prayer (which I will expound on more in an upcoming post) and in the Word than at any time in your Christian walk. It will also mean a radical change of perspective if He has not truly been your all-in-all. This is especially true if you have inadvertently made your husband the center of your heart and affections. You do not "...live, and move, and have (your) being," (Acts 17:28) in your spouse - you do those things in Him! Please believe this. Don't lose sight of this truth!

"In Him (you) live." First, realize your living and your life consists of more than just your marriage. If you're in the throes of adultery all you may want to do is ruminate about your spouse's behavior; but let me encourage you to get your focus on Him first, and then on all the other blessings in your life. Secondly, let me ask you a question. Does it ever hurt so bad that you have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning? It certainly did for me. But look what it says in that verse - "In Him (you)...move." Did you catch that? You move in Him. You CAN get up and get moving because you are in Christ, if He's your Savior. (If you don't know Jesus then please go to the following link which will tell you how you can: http://www.godssimpleplan.org/gsps-english.html.) Assuming however that you are, consider finally that your entire being is "in Him." A great way to meditate on this is to begin a topical study of all the verses in the New Testament which speak of being "in Christ" or "in Him." You will be really blessed!

Now, going back to my original point - there are just a TON of Scriptures that illustrate that God never changes and that He is your refuge. I truly believe the most meaningful ones to you will be those God leads you to; however, let me share just a few that really comforted me:

Deut. 31:8 - "And the LORD, He it is that doth go before thee; He will be with thee, He will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed."

Deut. 33:27 - "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms: and He shall thrust out the enemy from before you; and shall say, 'Destroy them.' "

Psalm 27 - The entire Psalm (God gave this to me on the morning I found out about the affair), but of special significance was:

Psalm 27:10 - "For my father and my mother (my husband) have (has) forsaken me, but the LORD will take me up."

Psalm 63:8 - "My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me." (I would cry out this verse over and over whenever I felt overwhelmed.)

Isaiah 54:17 - " 'No weapon that is formed against you will prosper; And every tongue that accuses you in judgment you will condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, And their vindication is from Me,' declares the LORD."

Romans 8:31 - "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?"

Colossians 3:3 - "For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God."

Next time we will dig into the second thing God showed me about Himself. It was the truth that literally saved my marriage! I can't wait to share that part of my story with you because His ways are SO AMAZING! He loves you and so do I.

My Abortion Story, Part 3 - Set Free

Allow me to start this last section of my story by telling you that there truly is hope for every woman out there who has had an abortion. It doesn't matter who you are or where you've been. Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and He will set anyone free who wants it! He said in John 8:32 (the first verse I memorized after becoming a Christian), "...You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." So before you get to my story below, check out this video by my favorite Christian band, Casting Crowns. The song is called "Every Man" and recently I noticed the wonderful lyrics that relate to post-abortive women. It says, "I am the woman shamed and haunted by the cry of unborn life," no doubt referring to a woman who's aching with regret over her decision to abort; but at the end of the song it has the life-giving, encouraging words, "There is hope for every man, A solid place where we can stand, In this dry and weary land, There is hope for every man.  There is love that never dies, There is peace in troubled times, Will we help them understand, Jesus is hope for every man."

Casting Crowns - Every Man from Casting Crowns on Vimeo.

Fast forward seven years. It was 1994. I was now married and my first child was just over a year old. The little town where we lived was having its annual festival and I was excited to put him in his stroller, walk around and take in the events.


During the course of the day I ran into many people I knew. Glancing up at one point I saw a lady I was acquainted with because I had designed the brochure for the crisis pregnancy center where she was director. With a warm smile she came over to say "hi." While we chatted, she began telling me that the Lord had something new for her and she was resigning her position at the center.


At first, I didn't think too much of it. Then I got that strange, tingly feeling. Soon I had the distinct impression that this meeting was a "God thing." She was telling me that they needed to find a new director. I was dumbfounded. I wondered why it felt like God was nudging me! I wasn't looking for a job. I was a stay-at-home mom. Besides, I didn't qualify to be the director of anything. I was wrestling through all this inwardly while she was talking. And then the question came to my mind - unbidden - What's today's date?


"Oh NO!"  My thoughts tumbled around in my head as I tried to be sure. It was May 16. "Oh yes, child, it's that date," the gentle Voice said. The anniversary date of my abortion. The lady, Barb, unaware of the conflict raging inside my head, suddenly asked, "Do you think you'd be interested? I think you would do a great job." Looking at me intently, she waited for my response. "Um yes, I think I would be interested," I heard myself say. Unable to shake the feeling that this was a divine appointment, I agreed to fill out an application and submit my resume.


Two months later, as the new Executive Director of our local crisis pregnancy center, Barb was working with me to train me in. Up until that point, other than the people directly involved in my abortion, my husband was the only one who knew about it. However, now Barb and the Board members of the center also knew. Well, what was I supposed to do? Lie? It had been a question on the application. "Have you ever had an abortion or advised someone else to have one?" YES on both accounts! Hopefully they won't hold that against me I had thought. After all, that was before I was a Christian. On this particular afternoon though it was on Barb's mind and she asked me a pointed question: "Have you gotten healing for your abortion?"


So I told her the truth. That I had specifically repented of it when I got saved, but beyond that I hadn't given it much thought. And that was the truth - I really hadn't given it much thought because I didn't want to think about it. It was too painful. Much too painful. 


Walking into the second room of our offices, she pulled a book off the shelf, handed it to me and asked if I would be willing to let her go through it with me. It was called, "Forgiven and Set Free" by Linda Cochrane, a Bible study written by a woman who knew first-hand what it was to have an abortion. I stared at the book in my hands. God was there with me in that moment. He was stirring me to new possibilities, new hope. And just like that, it was the beginning of my healing and restoration.



Over the next months we worked faithfully together on the book. I discovered more about God than I had ever known. I grew to love Him with a greater fervency and, more importantly, to understand His indescribable love for me in new and profound ways. Once again, I longed for God and His Word in ways that I hadn't since I was first saved.


The second thing that happened, however,was that I began to understand that what I had been going though was grief - and that grief is a process. It's a unique journey for everyone. You and I can both be post-abortive, but the way that experience will manifest itself in our lives can be totally different. I believe that much of that has to do with the individual things (past sins/idols of our hearts) that God desires to clean up in us in order to move us to freedom. For me, all the ways my abortion had affected me and colored my thinking was a slow process of discovery. Like a creature with many tentacles, it had reached its ugliness into nearly every area of my life. It took time to untangle all that. Those were the places where only God's illuminating light could reach and, eventually, redeem.


If you're reading this and are post-abortive, let me just stop and say right here - He CAN and He WILL do this for you too! He delights to do this for you. Believe what the Scripture says. In Isaiah 61, verse 1 it says of the Lord's Servant (Christ Jesus Himself), "He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, and freedom to prisoners." So are you broken-hearted today?  He will bind up and heal your broken heart. He will do it for you, just as He did for me, because it glorifies Him to bring to pass in your life the very things these verses in Isaiah say He came to do. 


However, maybe you don't think so - you don't feel you're broken-hearted. Is it possible you're in denial about it and instead are the prisoner He came to proclaim liberty to? Trust me - I know how it is to be a Christian and say that everything's okay. To actually think that it's unspiritual to say we need anything beyond our salvation in regard to our abortion. Or how about this one - to say that we've become caught up in psychology (psychobabble?) if we want healing? Yes, I know - and agree! - there is a lot of psychology mumble-jumble that has crept into the church today. I completely renounce that. 


God's healing, however, is not psychology. It's knowing and being able to apply His Word to our life, to the deep places of our heart. If we are to adhere to Paul's instructions in Ephesians 6:1 of being "strong in the Lord and the strength of His might," how do we do it but by really knowing His Word? The last piece of armor spoken of in this passage is the "Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God." While all of the armor is important to stand firm against the schemes of the devil (verse 11), it's the Word in particular that we use as a weapon. By being filled with the Word we will know the truth and be able to defend ourselves against lies. If you've had an abortion, Satan will use every tactic in his book to defeat you by reminding you of that fact. He will heap guilt and shame on you. He will tell you that you're not as good as other Christians - etc., etc.
 
So what do you say - is it possible you need healing? For example, do you tell yourself over and over to forget about your abortion? Do you experience physical or uncomfortable feelings when abortion is mentioned in public? Do you find yourself avoiding books, magazines, or TV programs that deal with the subject of abortion? While these are just a few, they're good questions that can help you get started in thinking about your own experience and need.


Anyway, once I began to sense myself really moving forward I also sensed God doing something else. It was time to tell my story publicly. You see, for some time I had been sharing the ministry of the center at various churches, but never really sharing anything personal. Now I knew the time had come - and I was a nervous wreck! What would people think of me? What if they rejected me? Judged me? Disliked me? Oh, how fear gripped me! I thank the Lord though that He told me to get up - to stop being beaten down with false shame. He had delivered me from shame and guilt because His work on the cross was complete. Did I doubt that? Finally, He reminded me He had called me to this. I memorized 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."


With a little trepidation I stepped up to the podium the first time to share the story of my abortion. It was a National Day of Prayer event and I had been invited to speak. I knew the time was right and as I told my experience I found I grew increasingly at ease with it. I had the peace of God. I also had the attention of the audience; all but one that is. She got up in the middle of my speech, stomped down the aisle, and slammed the door on the way out. Ouch! I don't know what her problem was but I remember thinking that she was probably post-abortive too!


There was still One More Thing that I needed to do to be completely healed but it came about four years later. The Board at the center where I worked had just decided that we needed to add a post-abortion ministry. There was a training seminar out west that spring and they thought I should go. I agreed but wanted a board member to go with me. They chose to grant my request and unanimously decided that our president, Caroline, should be the one. She smiled and said she would like that. The only problem was that she was having her own battle inside that none of us were aware of.


A short time later, probably within a week, she told me privately that she was also post-abortive; she had had two abortions during her college years. Wow, was I surprised! Her? She looked like a mature Christian woman who had it all together! Only then did I begin to realize that there is no "stereotypical" post-abortive woman. They come from all walks of life. Her problem though? After nearly twenty years of marriage her husband had no idea his wife had had any abortions! Do you see the secretiveness of it? The insidious way Satan uses it to keep us from true intimacy and transparency?


She knew she couldn't go until she had told him. Together we agreed to pray about it. Then one day the opportunity opened and she confessed what was long hidden away. It was absolutely wonderful! The grace he extended to her and the way he received it were a beginning to her healing. After she told him he replied, "I always felt like there was something between us, but now I know I have all of you."


Remember I said there was One More Thing? At the time I didn't know I needed it, but it came as Caroline and I went to the conference. We went through all the sessions, which were informative and exciting, and then came the final day. A memorial service. All week I had felt the Lord pressing on me. Besides being informative, the conference was also very emotional for most of us in that room. There were Kleenex boxes on each table for the attendees. For the first time, during that week, I had the distinct impression that the child I had aborted was a girl. God gave me a name - her name. Sylvana. I had never heard that name before, but I knew it belonged to my child, who was safe in the arms of Jesus. At the very end of the memorial service was a "Gathering of the Roses." Each person who so desired went silently forward to pick up a rose in memory of a child or children who had been aborted.


That was it. I needed closure and I got it that beautiful day. You should have seen Caroline and I guard those roses like mother hens on the flight home! We must have looked awfully funny to the other passengers.


Since that time she and I both have worked with a number of post-abortive women, going through that same Bible study I did sixteen years ago. It's been both a wonder and a privilege. We've seen so many miracles and incredible things that God has done.


So, what about you? What can you do if you've had an abortion and are hurting? The following things are some practical steps you may want to take right now:


1. Recognize and believe that God wants to heal you. Seek God in prayer; cry out to Him and don't be afraid. He already knows what's in your heart so there's no use hiding or holding back from Him. Then use a topical Bible - Nave's Complete Word Study Topical Bible is a great one - to do a study on God's healing. I don't believe it's always his plan to physically heal us, but I believe His Word is clear on spiritual healing. It's an aspect of His divine power granting to us all things pertaining to life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3), of being in Christ, and being a new creature (2 Cor. 5:17). Additionally, the concepts of restoration and redemption are great keys to further your understanding.


2. Consider confiding in someone you trust. I know this is really hard. Pray about it though. If you do decide to tell someone and you're a Christian, this should be a sister in the Lord. If you're married, please ask the Lord how and when to go about telling your spouse. You definitely want to show respect to your husband and not just "dump on him." Proceed carefully and only with wisdom from the Lord.

The person you do confide in should be committed to praying for you. This is the reason for your confiding in them. This can be tremendously encouraging - don't underestimate the power of prayer!


3. Find a post-abortion ministry in your area. Ramah International is a Biblically sound ministry with a list of local ministries across the U.S. and internationally. Their website is: http://ramahinternational.org/. Sydna Masse, president and founder of Ramah, has a book entitled, Her Choice to Heal: Finding Spiritual and Emotional Peace After Abortion, which is also an excellent resource.


4. If you can't join a group, you can go through a Bible study with a friend. This is just what I did with Barb. While there's a lot of benefit in getting together with other post-abortive women so that you can relate and share experiences, having one person who cares and is willing to invest the time with you can be wonderful as well.


5. Read Christian novels that contain realistic and encouraging themes related to abortion. Two that I highly recommend are: "Tilly" by Frank Peretti and The Atonement Child by Francine Rivers. Both use discretion and are tastefully done. Also, in addition to novels, there are many books that are the testimonies of women who have healed from abortion. These can be wonderfully uplifting as they describe God's faithfulness in others' lives.


I've listed just a few small steps you can take to get started. In future posts here I will hit on key issues of grieving and the post-abortive woman. As always, please feel free to contact me privately if you need someone to talk to. Email me at titus2homemaker@gmail.com.


"What a wonderful God we have - He is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the One who so wonderfully comforts us and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does He do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us."  2 Cor. 1:3-4 TLB