Are You Full of Grace or the Law in Your Relationships?

Note before I begin: The other day I was pecking out a little on the second article about Biblical vs. False Femininity when I was overcome with the desire to first share with you this lesson the Lord has been showing me all summer. As way of a quick update I will tell you that things are going quite a bit better with our son. If you'll remember, I shared that we had laid down some tough boundaries for him. At the same time we showed grace and acceptance of him. As it's turned out, instead of rebelling against the new rules, over the last couple months he's actually embraced them and us. We feel as if he's "rejoined" our family. This has manifested itself through the many times he's initiated a family game, walk, or movie night. Sometimes, like last night, without our prompting or asking, he came outside to join us in some fun with the Frisbee and foot races. And just a week ago we went on a three-day family vacation and had a really good time.


Now, I can't say that all this means he's walking the Lord. He's not. Is he any closer? I don't know. But there are some good signs that he's at least not hostile toward the gospel. And so, with that, I want to share a message that I hope will give you something to think about - whether you have a prodigal in your life or not. If you have any relationship with another person (and, of course, you do), I pray you'll "listen" with an open heart. Thank you and may the Lord use these words as He sees fit.

Walking in Grace or the Law?

Our son is our firstborn. And like so many parents we made all our "big mistakes" with him. Looking back, one huge mistake we made is in the area of our own heart attitude and beliefs. You see, from the beginning of our parenting journey we believed that if we could be good parents, we would have good kids. It made sense - like a safe formula that guaranteed success.


But alas - the problem I now see with that is two-fold: First, what defines "good parents," or good parenting? And second, because it's inevitable - what about when we blow it? Well, as you have probably already guessed, there is no definition for good parenting because that's like asking what the definition of a "good person" is. The truth of the matter is that there is no one who is good. Instead each one of us is inherently evil. "As it is written, 'There is none righteous, no, not one.' " (Romans 3:10)


In light of this, therefore, no one is truly capable of "good parenting" except our Heavenly Father (and even He has kids who rebel!) And because of our inadequacy, Aaron and I blew it many, many times and consequently guilt and self-condemnation would set in. Not once did we grasp the surety of God's grace in light of our failings. Oh sure, we understood that grace applied to salvation; but it was almost as if we thought that, after that, we were on our own to work things out. The only solution? Try a little harder! Not once did we see that God's grace was available for all areas of life - including our parenting. As a result of this blindness we read one parenting book after another, and went from one extreme to the other. For a time we would be tough and strict; then soft and lenient. Added to this unfortunate mix was the fact that our marriage during those years suffered from a lot of volatility and dysfunction. To my deep regret, this was the reality of our son's childhood.


I believe that as the years went on my husband became more and more law-oriented as an unconscious means of getting the best handle he could on a difficult situation. Such that, by the time our son was a teen and had become rebellious, we both responded by swinging toward being consistently strict with him. The underlying thought was, "We'll show him who's in charge!"


Unconsciously I think there was a feeling of "safety" in our rules and restrictions, as well as a belief they would shape and make him into a good little Christian. Now, I can't say that we had a relationship with him during that time. He was "moody and withdrawn" and preferred his friends over us; but instead of dealing with it we tended to just brush that aside. What we didn't understand is that rules without relationship equals rebellion. 

So we had rules for every conceivable area of his life. Of course, just like God's law for us (which is infinitely good), parents need to have rules (albeit imperfect) for their children, too. I'm not advocating loosey-goosey, permissive-type parenting here; but I am saying that because we didn't pursue a relationship with our son first, we failed to exhibit the way God works in our lives. And truly He does seek, and establish the means for, a relationship with His own... "See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him." (1 John 3:1)


Without a proper understanding of grace we plodded on; unable to give one ounce of it! Perhaps it was an attempt to reach out - I'm really not sure - but we did make a conscious effort to give him plenty of Christian worldview material to read during his high school years. Surely, we reasoned, after all this effort, it will be enough to keep our son from the world and ensure he'll embrace the faith. As long as we kept doing the things Christian parents are supposed to do, and giving him all the right opportunities to receive Christ, one day it'd pay off. 


Now, friends - do you notice anything at all about this? Can you see where the focus of our hearts was? Yes, that's right. It was on us, his parents. It was on our efforts and our works. In reality God was not in this picture at all. All the outcome of our son's soul was on our backs. And because of this we were not walking in grace, but the law. And let me say this my dear sisters - this is too heavy a load for any of us to bear! We were never meant to, yet so many of us do. We tend to do this, many times unknowingly, in a variety of relationships and a variety of situations. Therefore, in this next section let's explore how to determine if we're doing that. Hopefully we'll see whether we are grace-filled or law-filled in our heart attitude toward others.

Questions to Determine Where You're At

So how can we examine ourselves in this area, and maybe more importantly, what difference does it make? Let's take a look at these two questions separately.


Since there are just two approaches in our relationships - grace or law - it will not take rocket science to nail down where our efforts in them are centered. So then let's start with the latter. What is law's motivation? Simply put, it is self-trust; it says, "I can do this." This, of course, is the opposite of reliance upon God's grace. But in case you're not sure where your motivation lies (and I think a great many of us fall into this camp), the best possible indicator of your attitude may be your reaction.


For example, how do you feel when your husband or child fails? Whether this means failing to respond to the gospel, your advice, or anything else you're trying to share. Specifically, what emotions do you experience? If you become angry or frustrated chances are good you have a heart filled with law.


Taking this a step further, may I ask - for whose glory do you seek? If it be God's glory than there should be no problem with outbursts of anger. Nor reversely should there be any cause for pride to well up in us when the same people "do good" or succeed. And I'm talking about the kind of pride that says secretly in one's heart, "Look at our son here. He's become quite a good, Christian boy. His father and I are being rewarded for our faithfulness in raising him in 'the way he should go.' " At the heart of law is not only a reliance on our own works and abilities, but a smug feeling that God is actually obligated to reward these works. But may I remind us sisters of what the Word says about works (deeds) in Isaiah 64:6 - "For all of us have become like one who is unclean, And all our righteous deeds are like a filthy garment..." (My emphasis) In plain words - we're not good enough to "save" anyone!


So, truth be told this is how my husband and I parented for years. Hard and demanding of our son; frustrated and dismayed by his failures. And the occasional ray of sunshine when he did something to make us proud. (This, of course, is just code for "earned our approval.") 


The poor kid never felt like anything he did was good enough because our favor was turned off and on like a faucet! I can't tell you how much I regret treating him that way but I did so without even realizing it. My friend - our children should NEVER have to earn our acceptance. This is NOT the way of the one perfect parent, our Heavenly Father, who despite our weakness and sin, loved us and sent His Son to die for us. (Romans 5:8) His way is the way of grace. "Teach me Your way, O LORD; I will walk in Your truth; Unite my heart to fear Your name." (Psalm 86:11, emphasis mine)


But before you get comfortable and think, "I don't treat my children that way," or, "I don't even have children!" - allow me to remind you that this type of attitude can manifest itself in any relationship. In the case of a husband/wife relationship it may be that one spouse is demanding of the other. Maybe the wife is critical of her husband or the husband overlooks his wife's efforts at pleasing him. Literally I think there are a million ways this lack of grace could play out. And remember how I asked at the beginning of this section what difference any of this makes? Well, I'll attempt to answer that now.


First, in our case, the law-filled attitude that governed our relationship with our son caused us to miss out on God's peace and blessing. We carried around a heavy burden for his outcome. We experienced fear... What if we failed to do everything we could to bring him to faith? And what if, after all our best efforts, he still didn't receive Christ?


We also carried an idol around in our hearts - the idol of having a believing, successful child. Sometime later I dug a little deeper and discovered a second one. This one, I believe, may have been mine alone - the idol of having a good image in the community. I wanted this more than anything - even above my relationship with God. So the end result of living by the law was that instead of serving the living God - instead of "be(ing) still and know(ing) that (He is) God," and exalting Him (Psalm 46:10) - my husband and I lived in a sinful state of unbelief and idolatry. We forgot that He ALONE is savior.


So that brings me to this question: What would happen if you or I decided to place our sole trust in the Lord, looking to His grace and goodness? Quite simply we would quiet our souls and be enabled to give grace to our child, husband, friend, or whomever. We would become a vessel that He can use. Additionally, our relationship with that person would improve because we would no longer be attempting to carry them, but free to enjoy them!

What You Can Do

Hopefully by now you've been able to discover where you're at in regards to grace and law in your relationships. Now what I'd like to do is give you a little acronym I've made up to help you take the right steps toward being a grace-filled mother, wife, friend, etc.


Ready? It's simple. It's just four letters and spells the word rest, which is the state of being God wants us to experience. (A further explanation will follow.)


R - 'R' stands for Realize
E - 'E' stands for Encourage
S - 'S' stands for Show Respect
T - 'T' stands for Trust God


The first one, R for "Realize," is easy in theory but takes humility. This is what perhaps some of you have already done or are currently thinking about. Therefore, dear sisters, I encourage you, if you see some tendencies toward works and law in your relationships, to realize and acknowledge where you've been wrong. The place to begin is confessing it to God. Repent and ask Him to forgive you. After all, it is His goodness that you have doubted, and Him whom you have "dethroned" by putting yourself in His place. Remember two things: First, in regards to this we can sin in many ways such as believing that we're responsible for our children's outcome; or that it's our job as wife to get our husband to shape up, lead the family, or whatever. Second, our clue as to whether we're walking in law is our reaction, which will generally be either anger or frustration - contrasted against the fruit of grace which is peace and quietness.


The second one, E, really stands for "Encourage, don't preach." I want you to consider a verse that I meditate on often: "Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person." (Colossians 4:6) Notice first that it says our speech ought to be with grace. My dear sister - this is the heart of this message! Our words should always communicate acceptance of the person as one made in the image of God.


We need to accept others in our life as GOD Himself accepts us. "To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. (Ephesians 1:6, emphasis mine) As I look back I realize that the Lord was working this grace in me at the time of our marriage reconciliation following my husband's affair. Not because I'm so great but because He is, God enabled me to accept Aaron just as he was following those events. This wasn't easy as I was not only heartbroken from being betrayed, but I could only look on in horror at what a spiritual "mess" my husband was. But somehow, with the strength of the Lord, I simply accepted him where he was at and, truly, it was healing to our relationship.


That brings me to the second phrase of the verse above - "...as though seasoned with salt." Now, salt is many things but applicable to our discussion is the fact that it's a preservative. So think about this - Do you want to ruin, or preserve, your relationship with that other person? If you want to preserve it then consider how you might do that. Let grace be your guide. Don't preach at him or her - God doesn't need you to bring them under conviction! Instead encourage your child, husband, or friend.


For example, I no longer look for ways to "sneak in" the gospel when talking to my son. To clarify, I'm not afraid to mention God or the Bible - but when I do talk about them it's not with an agenda in mind. There is one thing I like to consistently do and that is commend the positive things I see by saying things like, "When you _____________ today it showed me that God is at work in you." Then I smile and walk away. I don't wait for a reaction or make sure he heard me. Neither do I expect him to reply. I let him know by my attitude that it's okay if he doesn't. However, I will say that recently he surprised me by responding, "Thanks Mom, I appreciate that."


And what happens if he royally blows it?! Then I encourage him a different way. I let him know that no matter what he does I still love him, and God does, too. I don't go on and on about it; but I basically try to communicate in a few words that he doesn't have to "earn" anyone's love.


The third letter in the acronym is S for "Show Respect." In the case of a prodigal child this is challenging. We've been used to guiding them their whole life and now their thoughts and views in many respects seem so different from ours. But we can learn to just listen. We can be glad that they even want to talk when they do. Even if we say nothing in response that's okay because they have the right to feel respected. In fact, arguing would be one of the worse things we could do. It will break down our relationship with them and build up walls of resentment.


Can I tell you something that might help you when you're tempted to "correct" their way of thinking? Or brood over their failures? Or try to control the outcome? This will help no matter if it's your child, your spouse, or even one of your parents. The idea is to view that person simply as someone who needs Christ. Period. Not as your wayward son, carnally-minded husband, or other similar thing. Just as a person who's lost or deceived and in terrible need of the Savior. A person just like you!


Finally, we come to the last letter of the acronym, T. It stands for "Trust God." At the root of grace-filled living needs to be trust in God. So say for instance you desire, but perhaps struggle, to show respect to your husband who's walking in disobedience to the Lord. My suggestion? Trust God. Trust Him for the strength to do it. While I've mentioned this Scripture passage many times before, look again in 1 Peter 3 at what the holy women in former times did:

"In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands." (1 Peter 3:1-5)

You see, these women acted in accordance with their trust and hope in God. Now, think about this - trust is the opposite of fear, right? And what does fear do to people? Well, if you think about when people are seized with fear you know that fear actually controls them. One Bible example that comes to mind is Elijah. In Chapter 19 of 1 Kings we find him running for fear of his life: "Now Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, 'So may the gods do to me and even more, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by tomorrow about this time.' And he was afraid and arose and ran for his life and came to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there." (1 Kings 19:1-3, emphasis mine)


Another example is, interestingly enough, the father of faith himself, Abraham. Do you remember the terrible thing he did to his wife when he was afraid?

"It came about when he came near to Egypt, that he said to Sarai his wife, 'See now, I know that you are a beautiful woman; and when the Egyptians see you, they will say, "This is his wife"; and they will kill me, but they will let you live. Please say that you are my sister so that it may go well with me because of you, and that I may live on account of you.' " (Genesis 12:11-13)

Unfortunately, not only did he allow her to be taken by Pharoah, he did it again in Chapter 20 when he met Abimelech, king of Gerar! And we, like these Bible characters, become fearful when we get our eyes off God and unto our circumstances. We either begin to "sink" like Peter on the water as he began to look around at the wind and the waves (Matthew 14:30); or, in another response to fear, we attempt to control others to gain peace of mind.


May I speak plainly and suggest that if you are in the least bit a controlling person you need to grow in grace? Likewise, if you have a hard time controlling your anger in response to people in your life it may be that you are lacking in love. You see, the bottom line is that grace and love are co-mingled. They go together! Look at this verse: "The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, be with you all." (2 Corinthians 13:14)


So, is fear or anger controlling you in your relationships, dear sister? I have a simple solution. Trust in God and be controlled instead by the love of Christ. This is what the apostle Paul did. He said, "For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died." (2 Corinthians 5:14) One dictionary I consulted described the verb "control" as exercising a dominating influence over. What a wonderful definition! Oh how we should strive to allow Christ's love to dominate us!


Perhaps, though, the very best thing about demonstrating to others that you're trusting God (again, manifested through your grace and love) is that it will be a powerful testimony to any unbelieving, difficult, or prodigal person in your life. A familiar verse that comes to mind is Matthew 5:16, "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven."


Finally, remember that in relation to this, faith is the only way we may do anything that will result in God being glorified and drawing others to Himself. It is referred to in 2 Thessalonians as "the work of faith:"

"To this end also we pray for you always, that our God will count you worthy of your calling, and fulfill every desire for goodness and the work of faith with power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus will be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12)

Well, that about wraps up the things I wanted to share with you today. This is a lesson that I'm asking God to reveal to me in increasing measure. I want to walk in and be filled with grace! I want my children, husband, extended family, and friends to all experience it!


If you have questions or comments I welcome them here. Or, if there is a need to speak to me privately please feel free to email. Blessings on you all this week!

Obstacles to Healing - Part 5: Dismay & How to Prevent Future Affairs

"How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,

Nor stand in the path of sinners,

Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!

But his delight is in the law of the LORD,

And in His law he meditates day and night."

Psalm 1:1-2

Dismay. Was that the "D' word you were expecting? Perhaps not, but maybe you'll understand why I chose it when I express in a moment some common questions experienced by betrayed spouses. Most often these questions come on the heel of our decision to stay in the marriage and "work it out." But the problem is, we don't know how to work it out! We wonder what that looks like. We ask ourselves: Where do we go from here? What should I do? And, if I may be totally honest - What can we do to prevent this from happening again?!

Actually, for me, it was this last question that plagued me. It felt unacceptable not to have a plan in place to keep my husband accountable. I was frightened and insecure. Most of all, I didn't want to experience the pain of adultery again so I thought we needed something that would reassure me it would not happen a second time. Really, what I wanted was a guarantee. 

So I began to research. Not the Bible, but other "sources." Though I was a bit skeptical, I read books about infidelity and affairs written by secular authors, as well as their websites. For some reason I had a really hard time finding books with solid Biblical advice regarding this issue; but I was desperate for answers so I devoured just about everything I bought or read. Finally I ended up ordering a book that I thought was Christian (its author claimed to be a Christian), but sadly its advice contained the same elements as that of the worldly-minded "affair experts." None the less, I bought into it.


Basically, the idea behind the advice was that the only way to prevent a future affair was to be completely, 100% honest about the attractions we feel for other people. In the eyes of the affair experts its a natural part of life to feel attracted to people other than our spouse. The important thing is to discuss them with our husband or wife so that they don't remain secret. It's the secrecy that's dangerous. However, if these attractions are brought into the light, and we're honest about them, it diffuses their power and prevents us from acting on them. Then we can talk about what's wrong in our relationship and why we're feeling attracted to another person.


Well, on the surface this sounds like good advice. In a way, it even seems to line up with the Bible. After all, doesn't His Word tell us to be honest? Doesn't it warn us against secret things? "Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts." (1 Corinthians 4:5) 


On the other hand, after deeper inspection, I think we'll conclude that there are several things wrong with this advice. To get a handle on this though, I'd like to start by distinguishing between man's wisdom and God's wisdom. Or as Scripture refers to them - the wisdom which "descendeth not from above" (James 3:15), versus "the wisdom that is from above." (James 3:17) 

Man's Wisdom Leaves God Out

Of man's wisdom the Bible says this: "This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic." The King James Version puts it, "...earthly, sensual, devilish." (James 3:15) In stark contrast, God's wisdom is defined this way: "But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy." (James 3:17) 


By just this quick glance we see how vastly different they are from one another. However, I'd like to draw special attention to one of the words which describes earthly wisdom - "natural;" or as the King James more graphically renders it - "sensual." Now, let the meaning of those words sink in for a moment. Then compare it with the picture you get for the word that is associated with God's wisdom, which is "pure."


On just the strength of comparison between these two words, we'll see in a minute just how far (and how fast!) we should run from any advice that encourages natural thinking. So let's begin by looking a little deeper at this first word. It's the Greek psuchikos. I've already said that it's been translated as "natural" or "sensual" in this passage from James. In a short sense it means "animal, natural, sensuous." The Lockman Foundation describes it as "worldy-minded," while Strong's Exhaustive Concordance goes a bit further and says that it refers to that which is of the "lower or bestial nature." Finally, and perhaps most helpful, the Helps Word-Studies notes this definition for psuchikos: "Soulish, i.e. what is natural, as it relates to physical (tangible) life alone (i.e. apart from God's inworking of faith)." 


So, from this last definition we could certainly say that earthly wisdom leaves God out. It excludes God from the picture. Remember I said a few moments ago that the advice I received "sounded good" on the surface? As I look back now, I believe this was because earthly, or man's wisdom, will always place an emphasis on natural man - what "feels good" or "seems right" to man. This is seen in the Bible where it says, "There is a way which seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death." (Proverbs 16:25) This "way" ascends no higher than our own human reasoning and attempts to work "apart from God's inworking of faith," as we saw above. Therefore, at least in the beginning of our marriage reconciliation, this "wisdom" appealed to me because it appealed to my flesh.


Here's the problem then as I stated before - this advice totally left God out of the loop. If you or I are going to attempt to prevent another affair from happening in our marriage by having our husband tell us about every attraction he feels for another woman, or vice versa, we make no room for God's working. I've made a diagram here to demonstrate this. 

In this diagram we see that there is an exchange between husband and wife. He tells me when he feels a pull toward someone else, as do I. Yes, we may be honest with each other, but we haven't invited God into our situation, nor have we dealt with the underlying heart issues. A couple verses come to mind in regards to this. The first one, in contrast to this advice, stresses the importance of asking God into every detail of our life:

"In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight." 

Proverbs 3:6

Notice the if/then relationship in this verse. If we acknowledge Him, then will He respond by making our paths straight. Or, maybe I should paraphrase in the context of what we've been talking about and say that God will make things go right in our marriage, when we seek to do things His way.

The second verse discusses how God views man's wisdom:

"Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?" 1 Corinthians 1:20

From the Lord's perspective, the wisdom of the wisest man is but foolishness - it's nonsense! Everything God has revealed through the Bible, however, has been for the purpose of showing us a better way. HIS way. Ever since the fall, man has always attempted to live apart from God, coming to inadequate conclusions about how to deal with the hard things of life.


So let's bring that right down to how to handle the issue of preventing a future affair from happening. Should we rely on man's wisdom, or does God's Word address this concern? Let me tell you that it most definitely does (which we'll soon discover), and stress here that unless we go to God with our marriage and our family, we will be assured of nothing! However, if we go to God, allowing Him to build our marriage and our family, we can be confident of success. While I'm sure you're familiar with it, here's a wonderful verse to illustrate my point:

"Unless the LORD builds the house, They labor in vain who build it; Unless the LORD guards the city, The watchman keeps awake in vain." Psalm 127:1

Focuses on the Natural Man

So, while the first problem with the advice from the affair experts is that it leaves God out of our marriage and out of the (re)building process; the second major problem is the emphasis on the natural man. We should recognize that it gives inappropriate place, and value, to the carnal nature. 

Someone might wonder, how so? Well, let's look at what the affair experts say. They advise us to tell our spouse when we're feeling attracted to someone else... Please! If it's gotten that far it's become more than a passing glance at an attractive person. (Which is normal, by the way!) Of course we're going to notice a handsome man or beautiful woman. We can't deny that. Additionally, it's not sinful to notice physically attractive people because we're apt to acknowledge it and then give little additional thought to the matter. "Oh, there's a handsome man. That's nice."

But that's not what they're talking about. What the affair experts mean is an attraction that goes beyond just thinking someone looks good. They mean a dangerous attraction - a desire to get to know that person more. A natural pull, they would call it, toward someone other than our husband or wife. While the secular mind recognizes that such an attraction is a threat to the marriage, it excludes recognition of the process that brought a person to that place. "Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death." (James 1:15) To unbelievers, such things as this just naturally occur. Denying that it's actually sin, however, means their proposed "solution" is completely inadequate. It lacks the power of God, through the Holy Spirit, to defeat sin at its root. 


So, while as Christians we can't deny that such attractions do happen, we must ask relevant questions. First, what can we find in the Scriptures that would address this issue? And second, what can we do to prevent initial attractions from developing into those that can lead to adultery? 

• First things first! On the issue of when we first recognize that we're becoming attracted to another person how about applying this verse: "The prudent (man) sees the evil and hides himself, but the naive go on, and are punished for it." (Proverbs 22:3)
• What does it mean that the prudent man "hides himself?" First, if possible, it's wise to physically get away from that person. In other words, don't shop the store where he's employed, or visit the gym where he works out. Think of Joseph and Potiphar's wife. Now, while most of the time we think only of the part where Joseph runs away from her and she grabs his tunic, do you realize that he was already behaving wisely toward her before this? Genesis 39:10 tells us in the New Living Translation (which I don't normally use but is really helpful here), "She kept putting pressure on Joseph day after day, but he refused to sleep with her, and he kept out of her way as much as possible." Wow! I feel like shouting, "Yes! Way to go Joseph!" Despite his youth and inexperience with women, he prudently avoided her as much as he could.
• Second, a really good answer to how a man hides himself is that he begins by protecting his heart - the place where Jesus said all sin, including adultery, begins. (Matthew 15:19) A good verse to meditate on, therefore, is Proverbs 4:23, "Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life." 
• How can I do this? How can I watch over my heart? My friend, it's the thoughts we allow ourselves to entertain in our heart that get us into trouble. So consider this verse: "We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5)
• Instead of just "putting off" those sinful thoughts, we need to then also "put on" godly thoughts: "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." (Philippians 4:8) And, "O LORD, who may abide in Your tent? Who may dwell on Your holy hill? He who walks with integrity, and works righteousness, And speaks truth in his heart." (Psalm 15:1-2)

Arouses to Sin

"Fine, fine, fine!" I can hear someone reading this say. "I agree with all that, but it wasn't ME who had an affair!" Okay, fair enough. So are you saying that you can only watch your heart and take your thoughts captive, but that won't make your spouse do those things, or keep him from having another affair?! 

Well friend, you're right - it won't. In fact, you can do nothing at all to keep your spouse from having another affair. If any person (including your husband) is bent toward sin, and not God, it won't matter that he has "accountability." Forced into it and without truly having a desire for it or the things of God, there's a good chance that person may lie just to avoid getting into "trouble." In fact, let me be so bold to say that without feeling the freedom to choose whether to be accountable and faithful, a spouse may be more tempted than ever to cheat. A verse of Scripture that bears this out is Romans 7:5, "For while we were in the flesh, the sinful passions, which were aroused by the Law, were at work in the members of our body to bear fruit for death." 


Next to the Bible the best thing I've read about this concept of the law, or (in a similar sense here) forced accountability, arousing a person to sin is a quote from John MacArthur. He stated, "Nothing is more appealing to sinful man than to do something that is expressly forbidden. Simply tell people what they cannot do and they will rush to disobey."


Think with me a moment about young adult children of Christian parents who were well-behaved, church-going children while growing up; yet who left home and completely rejected the Christian lifestyle. Oftentimes we're surprised when this happens. But really, think about it. While still at home their parents acted as a "restraining force;" but once out from under dad and mom's authority, they go the way of the world because they never really knew Christ. Instead of being restrained by the Holy Spirit, these children had only their parents to restrain them from sin. They experienced "law," but never received grace. "But now we have been released from the Law, having died to that by which we were bound, so that we serve in newness of the Spirit and not in oldness of the letter." (Romans 7:6)


So, here's a couple questions for you. Do you believe in laying down "the law" with your husband? Do you think that by encouraging him to think about what women he finds attractive, and telling you about it, you may act as a "restraining force?" Think about that and then answer this question: Do you really want the responsibility of trying to control your husband for the rest of your life?


These are important questions, dear sister! Oh, how I struggled with this! I wanted to control things, but I got so exhausted trying!

So What Can We do?

Let me give you some things you can do that will make life a little easier and more enjoyable in the long run. These are some Biblical actions you can actually begin to take right now toward preventing future affairs. What's more, you'll grow and mature as a Christian first, and then as a wife.

1.) Trust God. Give your spouse to the Lord. "How blessed is the man who has made the LORD his trust, And has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood." (Psalm 40:4) And, "Blessed is the man that trusteth in the LORD, and whose hope the LORD is." (Jeremiah 17:7)

2.) Pray. Give this concern to the Lord. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

3.) Become an outstanding and fascinating woman who pleases God, and inspires her husband to love and cherish his wife. You may do this by... A) Asking God for insight...B) Considering how to provoke him to love and good works. (Hebrews 10:24)... C) Learning what the Bible says about being an excellent wife. The Lord willing, this will be the subject for my next post!

You want to know the really neat thing? Remember the diagram above? It showed us how the advice of the "affair experts" left God out of the picture. However, allow me to encourage you that when you Trust God, Pray, and Become an outstanding and fascinating woman, you'll be inviting the Lord into your marriage. You'll discover the wellspring of His wisdom! The diagram below will now illustrate for us what a marriage characterized by seeking God, gaining wisdom, and applying that wisdom to the relationship should look like.

Now, looking at this diagram you may be tempted to think that this only works when both parties are seeking God. Conventional, or should I say "worldly" wisdom, would certainly tell us that. Next time, though, I hope to convince you by my personal experience that a marriage can be turned around by just one spouse willing to do the right thing. I DO NOT say this to credit myself because for far too many years I sought to do my own thing, and have my own way. Instead I give God all the glory for what He has done in my heart, and in fact is still doing! I have such a long way to go!!

Let's go back to the beginning of this post. Are you dismayed my friend? Are you afraid, not sure whether you can live without being assured of your husband's future faithfulness? Please, don't be. Don't live in fear. Remember that God has not given you "the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7) Go in God's peace today. See you back soon!

More Answered Prayer for My Husband (And a Word on Prayer for Marriage Restoration)

"I will heal their apostasy,
         I will love them freely,
         For My anger has turned away from them.

 I will be like the dew to Israel;
         He will blossom like the lily,
         And he will take root like the cedars of Lebanon.

His shoots will sprout,
         And his beauty will be like the olive tree         
And his fragrance like the cedars of Lebanon.

Those who live in his shadow
         Will again raise grain,
         And they will blossom like the vine.
         His renown will be like the wine of Lebanon."

Hosea 14:4-7

I felt I needed to write a "postscript" to last night's post. Specifically I wanted to mention the blessing of praying Hosea 14:4-7 for your spouse as they begin to recover their spiritual "senses." (2 Timothy 2:26) In the text (above) we see that God foretold that He would heal the nation of Israel's backsliding. While I recognize that when God spoke these words He was giving a promise to Israel, I also believe that there is a spiritual principle here of the sanctifying work of God which is for all believers. So then, let's first note that this passage speaks of these things as God's work. They're not ours, we can't heal our spouse's past - only God can. Looking closer at the text I highlighted in pink, we see that He promised to do three things: Heal them, love them, and be "like the dew" to them.

Without getting too much into it, I can say that this passage perhaps more than any other, has been one of the most meaningful ones I've prayed for my husband's spiritual restoration. Hosea 14:4-7 is the essence of what God wants to do in the hearts of men. In Aaron's life, as I prayed that God would heal his "apostasy", this came to pass in many ways.

First, as I've already talked about, he was granted godly sorrow that led him to repentance. Next he renounced (or as the King James and NASB would say, "denied") his ungodliness by beginning to do what was right. (Daniel 4:27; Titus 2:12) This meant that in our case, since we were recovering from his emotional affair, he began to be accountable to me and our pastor. He willingly checked in by phone with me throughout the day and allowed me to ask a lot of questions - especially in the beginning. He also made himself available whenever I needed to talk, even if it was about the pain he had caused me. Finally, God healed his apostasy by enabling him to become "transformed by the renewing of his mind." (Romans 12:2) I stated this before, but his entire way of thinking changed and began to line up with God's Word.

As for God loving him, this has also become a reality for Aaron. For the first time in his life he is confident that God loves him. He knows that he is a beloved son because the Lord has poured out His love within his heart. (Romans 5:5) God has been faithful to honor His word in Hosea - His wonderful word which promises that He will love us freely - as it's been prayed by not only me, but others who care about my husband as well.

"I will be like the dew to (him)." Oh, how this has been answered! The Lord has truly become my husband's rock and his hiding place. When the storms of life, like a hectic job, have hit hard, Aaron has found refreshment in the Lord. Also, I think the fact that God has enlightened the eyes of his heart (Ephesians 1:18) by helping him to have greater understanding of His word, is an answer to this prayer as well. Everyday Aaron is strengthened and encouraged, and oftentimes convicted, as he spends time studying the Bible.

Now, these have been just a few glimpses of the things God has done in response to praying this passage in Hosea. It's been a highlight of my prayer life this last year and a half. As a side note let me say this - if you're recovering from a spouse's adultery, the entire book of Hosea may be a tremendous encouragement to you if you have not read it. If you have, you may wish to reread it. I think you will find many parallels there to what you've been through, and will come away from it with insight and wisdom.

One last thing! Lest you think that I forgot to include answered prayer for our marriage in my last post, I want you to know that I'll be including quite a bit about that in the near future. I'm very excited and looking forward to sharing all that's happened, and is happening, in greater detail. I'll be turning once again to Hosea 14 and sharing some things as they relate to that passage.

However, before I close now can I give one bit of advice? This is for those of you whose marriages are in recovery: Pray that God will restore and heal your marriage a hundred-fold. Then ask Him to make it better than it's ever been. I have probably prayed this prayer a thousand times and have seen such wondrous results from it. If you don't know where or how to begin praying for your marriage, then this is a good place to start. It's the kind of prayer that God honors; demonstrating both your trust and dependence on Him. And remember what I said before - God is always for marriage. Therefore, He will not only hear your prayer, He will most certainly answer it.

Go in peace this week!

Regaining Trust After the Affair

With the Thanksgiving holiday and us having family coming in tomorrow and staying until Sunday, I thought I'd sneak in a "short" post on another subject. (Maybe I just mean easier to write!) However, I will still be moving on to standing in prayer, if the Lord wills, early next week. I hope you all have a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving!

Of all the challenges I've faced since my husband's affair perhaps the hardest has been the issue of trust. Obviously I don't need to tell you that it's very hard to trust someone again after they've betrayed you. For me it's been a real journey these many months, but a surprisingly good one in a number of respects. First and foremost, as I think I've tried to communicate here, it has given me the chance to draw nearer to the Lord than ever before. This has truly been the result of God working "all things together for good" in this situation - and, I believe, a part of His overall plan.

Along the same lines it has also allowed me to let go of the tight grip I had on my marriage. Now, what do I mean by that you might be wondering? Let me just say that I'm no longer so dependent on my husband because my hope is not in him, but in the Lord. It's silly really, but before all this happened I think deep down I felt that I would somehow die without Aaron. That was completely inappropriate and sinful, as in essence I was putting my husband before the Lord.

At some point during my relearning to trust, however, I realized that even if I had lost my husband to another woman, I still would have been okay. God's Word tells me this: "My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26) Allow me the liberty to word it differently here and say that "my marriage may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Did you catch the last part of that verse? God is your "portion," forever! A portion may be defined as, "a share received by gift or inheritance." My sister in the Lord, God has given you the gift of Himself now and for always. Let me remind you that He will never leave you nor forsake you. These thoughts have brought me much comfort in the months of recovering from Aaron's affair.

With that, let me get to three things that I've learned about regaining trust that I think will help if you, or someone you know, is going through a similar time. Hopefully, the following tips will help you to remain on the right course with steadfastness and patience.

God's sovereignty is the key: Truly the only way to begin trusting a spouse who has cheated is to rest in the Father's love. Charlyne Steinkamp, in her book entitled, "Standing After the Prodigal Returns," says, "Some people inquire, 'How can you ever trust them again?' The answer to this question may sound unusual, but I trust my husband (again) by first trusting my Lord. Our marriage is not being restored by my efforts, nor by my husband. It is being restored by the Lord Jesus Christ." I will add that this is supported by a great verse of Scripture: "We have confidence in the Lord concerning you, that you are doing and will continue to do what we command." (2 Thessalonians 3:4) Anytime I've felt panicky or ill-at-ease in regards to my husband, I've tried to remember this verse. Oftentimes I also recited it aloud by saying, "Lord, I trust You. My confidence is in You concerning Aaron."

Does my spouse exhibit goodwill? Is he moving toward and/or growing in the things of God?: These two questions are helpful to ponder at times you find yourself being challenged with a trust issue. In many instances I've calmed my fears or doubts by simply putting off judgment until I've answered them, and then looking at the circumstance through that. If I can honestly answer in the affirmative to both of them, then for obvious reasons, the chances are my fears have no rational basis. This is so important to realize - I hope you'll get a hold of this - most of the fears we have are ungrounded, meaning they have no facts to ground, or support, them. More about this in a moment.

So the question is how do we decide if our husband has goodwill or is moving towards God? For me, dealing with the first question was somewhat easy. What I mean is that while my husband was involved in adultery he acted mean and was angry most of the time. He didn't want to spend time with the children or me, and conversation with him was terse. (As a note - this was also the experience of my friend, Meghan, whom I told you about in an earlier post.) Because of this, it wasn't difficult to notice that my husband's behavior changed markedly after ending the affair. When I think of this I am reminded of Acts 26:20 where Paul recounts to King Agrippa that he told people to "perform deeds that are consistent with... repentance." In Aaron's case he certainly did this, and continues to presently. Therefore he demonstrates to me on a consistent basis that he has goodwill toward me.

This leads me to an important piece of advice I'll share before I go on. It is really vital that you keep a journal during this time. Write down the things God is doing - first, in your spouse - and second, in your overall marriage. Record things said and done; answered prayer; and any other insights the Lord gives you. The reason for this, assuming that your husband has been showing goodwill (we will cover what to do if he hasn't in a moment), is that your journal will act as a shield against suspicions, doubts, and fears that Satan may bring your way in an attempt to thwart your marriage restoration. Remember I mentioned a minute ago that most of our fears are unsupported by the facts? Your journal will be the tool you can use to "check the facts." Remember - "Just the facts, ma'am." Meditating on them will often be all that's needed to overcome the extremes of our emotions.

Let me give a quick example from my own journal dated March 18, 2010:

"Aaron was really 'needy' of me yesterday as he was struggling with feeling like he had let Dave C. (a co-worker) down. He called me on his way home from work and said,' I need to talk to you.' Here I was thinking something big must have happened since we had just talked at lunchtime. However, what he really meant was that he needed me to talk to him some more about the Dave C. situation."



Can you see how rereading this would help me to see that my husband has goodwill toward me? He showed a need and desire for my advice. Looking over my journal and seeing that he has goodwill toward me helps me to believe the best about him; even when I'm tempted to doubt him or things "seem" suspicious.

Now, let's take a look at the second question: "Is he moving toward and/or growing in the things of God?" To help you discern the answer to this, let's consider two verses which I combined and prayed everyday while in the midst of the battle for my marriage:

"Godly sorrow brings repentance..." (2 Corinthians 7:10)

 "...God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will." (2 Timothy 2:25-26). 

While we cannot know another person's heart, taking each verse and breaking it down can help us do our best to evaluate our husband's behavior.

The first thing listed is godly sorrow. Does my husband exhibit this? To begin we need a good definition of it. Let's start by noting that it is the opposite of what the Bible calls the "sorrow of the world" - which leads to death. For example, we may assume that this is the type of sorrow Judas Iscariot experienced: "Then when Judas, who had betrayed Him, saw that He had been condemned, he felt remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, saying, 'I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.' But they said, 'What is that to us? See to that yourself!' And he threw the pieces of silver into the temple sanctuary and departed; and he went away and hanged himself." (Matthew 27:3-5) Here we see he sorrowed (felt remorse), but sought no pardon. Oftentimes it's been said that worldy sorrow is only having regret for the consequences of one's sins; whereas godly sorrow seeks to be pardoned for one's sins. So, you and I may rightly ask - has my husband displayed a sincere desire to be pardoned for his offense, and further, does he seek to be reconciled?

Now, while I'm not going to go through every single item in these two verses, I will point out that the phrase "come to their senses" has definitely been one area that's played out in my own husband's life. Starting late last summer I watched as slowly, over the months, he began to demonstrate more and more spiritual sense. The passage that comes to mind as a word-picture of this is yet another one I turned into a prayer - Hosea 14:4-5: "I will heal their apostasy, I will love them freely, For My anger has turned away from them. I will be like the dew to Israel; He will blossom like the lily, And he will take root like the cedars of Lebanon." I think it's important to also point out that when you're looking for spiritual fruit, and applying that to whether you can trust your spouse again, you will need to have much patience. Like all fruit, spiritual fruit takes time to mature.

Here's yet another entry from my journal, dated March 23, that I absolutely cherish. It's such a wonderful reminder that it's the Lord whose at work in my husband, and in my marriage:

"With passage of the healthcare bill I've become more aware of Aaron's strengthening faith. Yesterday, when we were discussing the whole mess, I was more or less throwing up my hands in despair. Gently Aaron kept reminding me, though, that the Lord is in control, that it's just time to start really trusting Him, and that it's okay because these things are likely all a part of bringing prophecy to fulfillment."



However, suppose you're reading this and you don't see goodwill or spiritual growth in your husband? To be honest, what I would then suggest is that you pray and ask God to make anything that may be hidden come to light. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I don't want to give false hope either. You see, when a person is genuinely repentant and fears the Lord (which we know is the beginning of wisdom), he/she will begin to do, and be, what Ephesians 5:15 says, "be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise." However, in Biblical contrast to the wise person is the fool. Of this person God's Word says, "Like a dog that returns to its vomit is a fool who repeats his folly." (Proverbs 26:11) A man who is not acting wisely, ie, has not "come to (his) senses," is a fool according to the Bible, and thus cannot be trusted to refrain himself from repeating his folly.

Before you panic, pray! Whenever you're tempted to do this, no matter how fishy or bad a situation appears to be, pray it through first. I've been amazed at how many times, especially in the beginning, I'd be suspicious and ready to accuse Aaron of something, when suddenly I'd remember this "rule." More often than not I discovered that when I followed it, the Lord would bring peace of mind and the thing I was worried about went away. As a general rule, it's best to keep quiet until we've quieted ourselves before God.

While not comprehensive, I hope these tips will encourage you on your way. Each person's journey is different, but I know that the Lord works in each. Next time we will get back to talking more about the critical role of prayer in healing our marriage. Additionally, we'll discover what the necessary "ingredients" are in making it effectual (James 5:16).

A bit of a "postscript" here. Let me give you a little hope if you're going through the aftermath of your spouse's affair and finding it difficult to trust again. A year ago I would never have thought I'd be where I'm at today in regards to this issue. I can honestly say that I'm just about at 100% regained trust. My husband has consistently proved himself, and I have worked through the challenge with the Lord's help. Friend, keeping looking up because God is in control, He's for your marriage, and He wants to restore trust.
Thanks for stopping by. Have a wonderful time tomorrow with friends and family. Above all, be thankful!