Acceptance: The Golden Key to Respecting Our Husband

"So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another." Romans 14:19

In my blog post entitled Does Your Husband Need to Change? I explored the issue of trying to change our husbands. I explained how the root of it is discontentment. Additionally, if we're honest we'll find that discontentment is oftentimes accompanied by an unconscious feeling that we deserve better. 

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I also talked about the various ways we attempt to change our husband. I showed you how all these things damage our relationships - not just with our husband, but with God as well. It puts a "sin wedge" between us and God; and it puts up walls between us and our spouse.


Now, the good news is that we, as wives, are not powerless, nor is our situation hopeless. Indeed we have been given the sure promise of God that we have incredible influence over our husband when our heart's desire is to trust Him, and Him alone. This, of course, comes from my favorite "go to" passage for wives: 1 Peter 3. I even sometimes think that this blog has become my own commentary on 1 Peter 3! I love it because it's loaded with wisdom for the challenges we face as women today.


There is much we can do to encourage our husband to want to become a better man - all without the usual strong-armed tactics on our part. But before we get to that, however, I think we should talk about behavior a husband may display that truly should be considered unacceptable. These are much more than "idiosyncrasies," quirks, annoying habits, or even hurtful things your husband may do as a defensive measure. Rather, unacceptable behavior includes things which fall into two main categories: adultery and abuse. Such things should not be tolerated and must be dealt with differently than those ordinary things wives complain about. 


Much has been written on the subject of abuse by people far more knowledgeable than me, so I will not cover that at length here. Instead, if you believe you are in an abusive relationship which would include physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, I would like to refer you to an excellent ministry called Hope for the Heart. By clicking the link to their website I believe you will find tons of Biblical resources to help you deal with your situation.


If, on the other hand, you are facing the challenge and heartbreak of adultery, I encourage you to browse this website for past posts on this subject, including the story of my own marriage. A good place to start is with the post entitled What I've Learned Through My Husband's Affair. From there you may continue through the posts to the present for help on issues such as: finding out about the affair, hurt, trusting God, re-establishing trust in a marriage touched by adultery, forgiveness, and marriage restoration. Please also feel free to contact me personally if you'd like at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. 


And finally, if you are in a marriage where your spouse has left you for another woman, or won't give up his affair partner, please click the link for Rejoice Marriage Ministries in the sidebar to check out their website. I truly believe God led me to that particular ministry during my husband's affair as a means of saving our marriage. I'm sure that you, too, will be very encouraged by their testimony and the resources they have available.

Acceptance - What is it?

First, if your marriage has suffered a lack of acceptance it will come as refreshing as a long, cool drink in a desert when reintroduced. Therefore, please allow me to attempt a definition of acceptance (as it applies to the marriage relationship). I believe it is this: Acceptance is relinquishing control; it is giving your husband freedom to be himself. 

Do you remember when the two of you met? No doubt your husband was your knight-in-shining-armor. He could do no wrong. Not literally, of course. But you were quick to overlook his faults and to look to his better qualities instead. You accepted him.

If you had tried to change your husband when you were courting you probably would never have gotten married. No man wants to marry a "nag." But you didn't nag or harass him. Unconsciously you did what every man wants. You accepted him - faults and all - and he stepped up by aspiring to be the man of your dreams. If I sound a little pollyanna, please forgive me. I certainly realize that life is not a fairy tale but I also encourage you to consider that what I'm saying is more often than not a part of the dynamics of a premarital relationship.

Then the vows are exchanged, the honeymoon over, and reality sets in. Suddenly you realize that your husband isn't so perfect. The weaknesses and faults you had turned a blind eye to (or thought you could live with) have become unbearable, blatant FLAWS! This is when problems usually begin to arise within a marriage. 


In my own it took place within the first year. For some reason my husband's singing started to grate on my nerves. (And he liked to sing a lot!) Unfortunately, I was neither wise nor mature enough at that time to simply laugh it off or overlook it. Instead I made sure he knew that I found his singing annoying! Of course I cringe now as I think back on it. It's sad that I ruined the peace and contentment within our home over something so ridiculous! Furthermore, my behavior began a tragic pattern of criticizing my husband that would encompass nearly every area of his manhood and last for years to come. I was like the foolish woman of Proverbs 14:1. "The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands."


On the other hand, some wives, usually those who have had a good example in their mother or sound spiritual training concerning this, will keep quiet about their husband's faults. 

But it must be pointed out that this generally goes two ways: The first wife, while outwardly keeping quiet and trying not to complain much (she has some self-control), inwardly is seething. In her heart she grows increasingly angry as she builds her "case" against her spouse. Unfortunately it will take only a spark to ignite the forest fire of her anger as it constantly smolders just beneath the surface. One spark and she will light into her husband like he's never seen before! 


This woman has fooled herself. She forgets that Jesus said, "You have heard that the ancients were told, 'YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT MURDER' and 'Whoever commits murder shall be liable to the court.' But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court." What He was saying is that if you harbor anger in your heart against someone, it is as if you are committing murder against that person. You see, Jesus's standards are higher than ours. If you fail inwardly, you ultimately fail outwardly, too.


Since what's in the heart manifests itself in some way (Matthew 15:19), you can usually spot these kind of wives. They're the ones to give their husbands the "cold shoulder" or the "silent treatment." They love to punish their husbands in various ways; oftentimes even denying him of sexual intimacy while he's left to figure out why he's in the doghouse.

Now let's consider the second way a wife may demonstrate a quiet spirit. Just like the first wife, this wise lady also keeps her husband's faults to herself. That is where the similarity ends, however. Inwardly these two women are polar opposites. You see, the second wife considers that she is married to a sinner. As Christian missionary and author Elisabeth Elliot used to say - the only kind of man to marry! She accepts that and has realistic expectations of her husband. Furthermore, wife #2 humbly realizes that she, too, is a sinner - in need of grace. Her hearts speaks thus:  Aha! Grace! That's it! As I have received grace so must I give it. 

Look with me if you will at Romans 15:7, "Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God." Note that there is nothing in this verse about us deserving His acceptance. In fact, in another well-known verse from Romans we read that "while we were YET sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) And please also observe from 15:7 that Jesus's acceptance of us brought glory to God. All of this brings me to the most important point: The second wife knows that her gentle, quiet, accepting attitude will bring honor and glory to her Savior's name as she walks in obedience to this command. 

That, I guess, brings us full circle. It brings us to the next practical section I want to share with you. In it we will explore two questions that we should be asking ourselves:

What Can I Do to Show Acceptance? What Difference Will It Make?

Let's say that up until this point you've been like wife #1: You've been complaining about your husband; telling him how he ought to change. You've struggled with his faults and find them difficult to accept. What can you do? 

Here are three suggestions I have for you with an explanation of each:

1. Change Yourself: Okay, simple enough. You can't change your husband but you can change yourself:

• You can change the way you think about your husband and your situation. You CAN learn to see things in a different light. When tempted to think evil of your husband you must remember what the Apostle admonishes us in 2 Corinthians 10:5, "We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." So take those angry, accusing thoughts captive! "Put off" wrong thinking; but then don't forget to immediately "put on" (replace it with) right thinking (more about this in point #2). Your outward behavior will undoubtedly change as your heart does. This, in turn, may be all it takes to change your marriage!
• You can humble yourself. This is what our Savior did for us. "He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." (Philippians 2:8) It is God's heart that we seek to be like Jesus on this earth. Marriage is the perfect environment for that to happen. It challenges and matures us. The first step, then, and key to all other marriage advice I'm going to share, is to put on humility and accept your husband. This means that if you and I are wise we will heed Jesus's command, "...First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:5) You see, there is NO ROOM for self-righteousness between a husband and wife. It will kill the marriage. As Helen Andelin said, "Only with a spirit of humility can we build a successful relationship with another person."

2. Choose to look to "his better side." Even though the phrase "his better side" comes from the book Fascinating Womanhood, it was the Apostle Paul, of course, who first had this insight directly from the Lord. He said, "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." (Philippians 4:8, my emphasis) Notice how he said that we are to think of the things that are "worthy of praise?" By this I think he meant we are to look to others' (in this case our husband's) better side!

A great way to start is by first realizing that there are some things about your husband that may never change. However, dear sister, guess what?! There are things he has to accept about you, as well! Things that may never change. I certainly know that my husband has things that annoy him about me! It's just a fact of life. And hard as it is, we also have to put up with one another's sins and weaknesses. Unless it's one of the specific situations I mentioned above or in Does Your Husband Need to Change? where other action is necessary, I strongly urge you to pray for your husband, but DON"T preach! Cast all your cares on the Lord but don't attempt to be your husband's "holy spirit." That is God's job - not ours.

Second, another practical step you may take is to do a study of Bible characters who experienced difficult circumstances. Perhaps even difficult marriages. (Abigail comes to mind. Her story can be found in 1 Samuel 25.) Take note of the Bible characters' responses to their situations. What right responses did they demonstrate? Some people in the Bible chose to see their circumstances in a better light (not unlike my encouragement to you to look to your husband's better side). 


Then look at the wrong responses they displayed. What were the results of each type of response? Write them all down in a journal and ask the Lord what He wants you to learn from them.

Now I ask you to go back and think through your husband's faults that you must accept. Yes, I am encouraging you to do this - go ahead! Take it even further and actually write down each one in a permanent place such as the journal I mentioned above, or a notebook. List every single thing you can think of. It may take some time but please be thorough. In my case, one of the things I thought about is how I viewed my husband as a bit cheap. (Even his own family thinks that!) So down it went on my list! 


Now, be sure to add to your list from time to time as any new flaws, annoying habits, or quirks come to mind. However, here's what I want you to do each time you do add something: Either by using a different-colored ink, or mentally imagining yourself, write the word "ACCEPTED" over each one. I personally think the act of physically doing this is a far better reminder than imagining and so that's what I've done. If you are one of those ladies who enjoys stamping you may even like to use individual letter stamps to stamp "ACCEPTED" right over the top of each fault.

Furthermore, while you're learning to accept your husband as he is, also be sure to write down his good qualities. This is his "better side" that I've been talking about. If you choose (remember - how you think is a CHOICE) to consistently look past his faults and look to his virtues instead, you will be amazed at how your attitude improves and feelings of love and respect are rekindled. Remember again Paul's command from Philippians 4: "If anything worthy of praise, DWELL ON (THIS) THING!"


Finally, the last thing I'm going to mention that will train and enable you to look to your husband's better side is to look beneath his faults for underlying virtues. For example, a minute ago I mentioned how I had considered Aaron to be a cheapskate. In retraining my mind - Paul called this process becoming "renewed in the spirit of our minds" (Ephesians 4:23) - I decided I could look at things differently. I became aware of the "virtue" beneath the fault. That is, my husband is an excellent manager of our income and resources. He has done very well with the money God has given us and thus we have a comfortable home that is nearly paid for, and a sizable retirement savings. He is not cheap, but rather frugal and careful. Today I look at my husband in a new light and with a fresh perspective. In fact, I smile when I consider how he is taking such good care of our family! In my next post, where I will discuss admiration, I will explain this entire concept a little further.

3. Let God do the changing. While I briefly referred to this above, I want to add to it here. For starters, if we're honest we wives know that we can't change our husbands. Changing him, though, was never meant to be a part of our wifely "job description." Instead we should be asking: If changing my husband is not my job, then what is?!

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. 1 Peter 3:1-2

Do you see? I know I say this a lot! But your respectful behavior (acceptance being the first and foremost trait) will move your husband toward the Lord - and toward you!! If you feel your husband neglects you for sports or some other hobby, doesn't listen to you, leaves all the child-training to you, continually is inconsiderate - or what ever it is - you can still display unconditional respect toward him. Remember, "unconditional" means that it isn't necessarily "earned;" but is given because you understand and apply God's Word! 


Your respect is beautiful and dignified. It results from having a humble and submissive spirit which you have been cultivating as you focus on changing yourself. Your respect is also very convicting to your man. Consider these remarkable words by Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs, authors of Love and Respect: 


"We firmly believe every husband is convicted by a wife's unconditional respect. This is God's revelation to Peter (1 Peter 3:1-2) and God will honor His own instruction. Those husbands who have sinned against their wives, God will convict... A wife who follows Jesus must take this by faith. As she does the respecting, God does the shaming. Only the believing wife will trust in this. The Christ-follower will believe in the convicting power of God's Spirit (John 16:8)."


So going back to our second question above, "What difference will it (acceptance) make?" I hope the answer is becoming increasingly clear. Acceptance, the first and foremost virtue needed by a wife to truly show respect to her husband, will reap rewards. Your husband will feel free to be himself but encouraged by your respect to become a better man.


In closing I wish to quote a testimonial from Fascinating Womanhood with regards to acceptance:


"I have a wonderful husband but he has some habits I disapproved of, especially his use of tobacco. I always insisted he go into the cellar to smoke even though I accepted this habit in him when we were married. After learning the principle of acceptance, I realized how awful I had been. When he came home that night I confessed my feelings, asking forgiveness for the terrible way I had treated him, and told him that I accepted him as he is. My husband was so tenderly touched that he cried. Later that evening he told me that he loved me for the first time in two years and he slept with his arm around me all night."


I hope you were encouraged by what this lady said! It's exciting to think about the possibilities sisters! Besides the benefits to our husbands, acceptance will reward us, and indirectly, our children as well. God will be glorified in our homes.


I am anxious to put this post up and am going to do so now without a lot of "proof-reading" first. Please excuse any careless or silly mistakes! I'll be back over the weekend to tweak it some, but in the meantime you may find some errors. It's just that I feel an urgency to publish this now for some reason.


Your comments, as always, are welcome. I apologize to Karin whose lovely comment earlier this week was accidentally deleted by yours truly!


Please go in peace my friends!

A Challenge to Wives

Hi to all my friends and readers! I apologize for being "tardy" in writing the follow-up post to my last one. It is in the works and will be done soon. Unfortunately, this is truly the season to be busy for me. There's Christmas coming up and all that that entails; but there's also this new "season" in my personal life. If any of you have had a prodigal adult child you will be able to relate. It is extremely draining in every way: spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and even physically. That's why it's been hard to find the time to write. Something else always seems to take priority. Therefore, I do very much appreciate your patience and your prayers!


Briefly today I'd like to issue a challenge that may be timely for some. It certainly is for me! Anyway, what I propose is since we just finished a time of Thanksgiving, we now continue it by being thankful for our husbands. What this means practically is that I'd like you to consider going two weeks without complaining about your husband. This includes either complaining to him about what he has or hasn't done lately; or complaining about him behind his back to friends or family members.


But I don't want to stop there. The second part of my challenge is two-fold: 1) Every day, for the next two weeks, greet him sweetly when he comes home. Don't engage him in conversation the minute he walks in. He needs time to "change hats" and unwind. Instead just briefly show him how glad you are to see him. Then walk away. 2) Find a way to daily show respect to him in one of the three areas I will be expounding on in the weeks to come. These are acceptance, admiration, and appreciation. Don't worry if you don't know what these "look like" or how to show them. I'm going to give you some brief examples that should help you come up with ideas of your own.


Acceptance: This one may be more of a challenge than the other two because it involves the grace of overlooking. An example of this from my own life is when I don't feel like going jogging with my husband and I really wish he wouldn't go either! I'd rather he just stay home with me. However, I can show acceptance of him, as well as submission, by letting him go without complaint or comment. When he returns I have trained myself to cheerfully say, "Did you have a nice jog, honey?" Sometimes I even get a big, sweaty hug when I ask this - especially if he guessed that I would rather have had him stay home. Because I showed acceptance, instead of nagging or disapproval, I am rewarded. Our marriage is built up rather than torn down.


I challenge you to look for ways to be accepting in the next two weeks. However, let me add that with all three of these areas I also encourage you with something else I've already mentioned: Do or say whatever you intend, then walk away. Don't have expectations. Unless he grabs you for a hug or initiates further conversation, just walk away. Nine out of ten times he will be left looking after you and thinking, "Wow!" Your behavior may even spark fascination in him toward you. 


But, be also warned. If your relationship has been cool or even cold for some time you may not see immediate results. In fact, it's even possible for you to receive a sarcastic comeback after expressing your acceptance. If that happens, shake it off! Remember the Proverbs 31 woman is a woman of dignity. (Proverbs 31:25) You could even choose to turn around and smile sweetly at him as you walk away.


Admiration: Sticking with the jogging theme I will tell you that I like to comment on how much endurance my husband has. After all, jogging six miles straight deserves some recognition, doesn't it?! I think it does so I'll say, "My, oh my - you sure are strong and have endurance!" Now I can say this because when I go with him I'm always starting and stopping the whole time - running, walking, then running again. But Aaron runs the entire way! And I really do admire him for it. Plus, when I tell him that he's strong I'm affirming that I think he's a real man. 


Men love to be admired for their manhood. Squeeze your husband's muscle and look impressed. Say, "Ooh, strong!" You get the idea. Go for it! But remember - say it then walk away. Don't wait for a return compliment.


Appreciation: This one is fun. Although appreciation is so much more - we'll be getting into this later - you can start these next two weeks by simply saying "thanks." 


"Thank you, honey, for picking up milk on your way home. I really needed it for supper tonight." 


"Thanks for putting the dishes away. I appreciate it." 


Or, on a deeper note, maybe it's been a long time since you've said, "I want you to know how thankful I am for how you provide for our family."


Saying these sort of things just lets him know that you appreciate him and don't take him for granted. If you try I'm sure you'll find many things you can thank him for. See him through new "eyes" these next couple weeks and you'll be surprised at what you've been missing!


So, is the challenge clear? Is it something you can do? With the Lord the answer to the second question is a resounding YES! Therefore, in a nutshell here it is again: Two weeks of no complaining about your husband. (Seriously, if you must complain - take it to God in prayer.)


Secondly, daily look for a way to show your husband respect in one of three ways: acceptance, admiration, or appreciation. Mix it up and be creative! Live intentionally for the next two weeks, but keep your expectations low. Above all, pray by asking God to give you insight into your husband so that you may bless him.


Please let me know if you decide to take this challenge. And if you do, when you're through will you consider sharing with others here how it went for you? We can all benefit from the encouragement of other sisters in the Lord! 


Any other comments or suggestions are also welcome. I hope each of you has a good and Godly week!

Does Your Husband Need to Change? Wives, God is More Able Than You!

Okay, so maybe I'm stepping on some toes with the title of this post! Sorry, but I've got to be honest - some of us are trying to change our husbands and shouldn't be. How do I know this? Because I've been guilty of it, too! So let me ask a blunt question. How's that working out for you? Does your husband respond well to your criticism or complaints? How about your "helpful suggestions" or "loving correction?" If I had to guess I would bet that he responds like mine - not too well! 


Since I'm assuming that most of my audience are Christians, I'll begin with a couple verses that might be commonly used as objections to a wife "keeping quiet." The first one I'm thinking of is the verse that says we are to "speak the truth in love..." (Ephesians 4:15). Many have quoted this verse to support the idea of mutual accountability. Others go further by adding Ephesians 5:21, "And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ." I hope to show you, however, that a closer look at these verses puts them both into context for us.


First, in Ephesians 4, we see from the passage surrounding verse 15 that Paul is speaking of the church attaining to "the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man," etc. He is desiring that the teaching of true doctrine continue so that these things will happen and believers will not be "tossed here and there by waves." 


In verses 11-12 Paul tells us whom was to carry out this teaching and the desired result of such teaching - that each member of the body become equipped for service and also able, as we've read in verse 15, to "speak the truth" (sound doctrine) with one another: "And He gave some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ." (Ephesians 4:11-12) 


Paul meant for these men of God, called to serve in the various offices of the church, to exercise the gift of teaching the truth so that the congregation would be enabled to encourage one another in these truths. The leaders' teaching was to be repeated among all believers so that none would become as children -tossed around, believing every new wind of doctrine and being led astray. "As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming." (Verse 14)


It must be concluded that nowhere in this passage do we see any connection to, or encouragement of, wives admonishing husbands. We must be careful not to add that in! Please don't read into this passage what would be entirely contrary to Scripture that so clearly tells us of the quiet attitude that God intends us wives to have. (See 1 Peter 3:1-4) Therefore, let me be emphatic: Ephesians 4:15 does not give any one of us license to hold our husband to account, keep him in line, or straighten him out!


Secondly, we have Ephesians 5:21. At first glance this verse looks like what many women hope for - a way of "equalizing" things a bit. Again, let's look at it in context. In this passage, beginning with verse 15, Paul tells us how believers are to encourage one another. In verse 21 he ends it summarily by saying that we are to submit to one another. However, he doesn't leave it to chance that we would misunderstand him. He wants us to understand the order of things. In the very next breath, by way of explanation, he tells us what that submission is to look like: 

"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself." (Ephesians 5:22-28)

Do you see? Your submission, dear wife, and your husband's "submission" are lived out in different ways. Both are distinct and important in building each other up.

Now that we hopefully have cleared that up, let's move on to what trying to change your husband will do - and, in the next post (hopefully soon), what you can do instead!

Wanting Him to Change Equals Discontent

Here's the point I want to make from the outset: Your attempts at changing your husband equals discontent. I don't care how you or I try to justify this, it just does! It doesn't matter that you think you're trying to "help him;" or whether you actually know that you just want him to different - both are manifestations of a discontent spirit.

So what does this mean for us when we find ourselves in this boat? What does it do? I want to look at that now; for I believe the result is that it hurts our two most important relationships:

1) With God - The discontent we demonstrate by trying to get our husbands to change is actually evidence of a deeper problem. That problem is unbelief. And so we must ask - what warning does the Scripture give concerning this? For the answer let's look at Hebrews 3:12, "Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God."

About this verse Barnes' Notes on the Bible says: "The word 'unbelief' is used to qualify the word 'heart,' by a Hebraism - a mode of speech that is common in the New Testament. An unbelieving heart was the cause of their (the Israelites') apostasy, and what worked their ruin will produce ours. The root of their evil was 'a want of confidence in God' - and this is what is meant here by a heart of unbelief. The great difficulty on earth everywhere is a 'want of confidence in God' - and this has produced all the ills that man has ever suffered. It led to the first apostasy; and it has led to every other apostasy - and will continue to produce the same effects to the end of the world."

So you see, the discontent you or I feel toward our husband, and the subsequent desire for  "helping" them to change, really stems from what Albert Barnes here referred to as "a want of confidence in God." When we step into the place of correcting, admonishing, or more subtly, of dropping hints, we have moved from entrusting our husband to God - to trusting in ourselves. In the former we (rightfully) give the care of our husband over to God; in the latter we rely on ourselves to look after him. 


And, it must be added, if we do end up doing the latter, we will inevitably begin the process of what the writer of Hebrews warned us about. If you don't remember, look back at the verse above to see what he said about unbelief. Do you see it? It will lead us to "fall away." Those are strong words, my friends! Now, I don't think any of us who call ourselves Christians really intend to do this. We don't mean to be controlling and trusting in ourselves; we don't mean to be unbelieving and endangering of our spiritual lives. Unfortunately, however, that is exactly the risk we take when we operate outside God's "guidelines" for the behavior of wives. Slowly, sometimes imperceptibly, through the subtleness of this sin, we harden our hearts through unbelief.


Of course the end result of this is that it will greatly hurt our relationship with the Lord. And do you know what He will do in relation to this? Look with me at another verse from Hebrews: "For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” (Hebrews 12:6) So, my friend, I beg you to save yourself much pain and grief - please reconsider your course if you find yourself doing any of the following:


1. Telling your husband how he ought to change
2. Pointing out his faults (I will share a better way to deal with this in the next post.)
3. Belittling him and/or his opinions
4. Manipulating situations meant for his "instruction." Things such as bringing home movies with a message you think he needs to hear; arranging beforehand for a person to bring up a certain subject in your husband's presence; or leaving books, pamphlets, or articles opened up where your husband will see and (hopefully) read them. (Okay - guilty here!!)
5. Questioning "why" he does things with the implication that his choice is wrong
6. Pressuring him to do things your way


There are countless other ways you and I try to change our husbands but, again, all these things will surely lead us away from God. Instead they will increasingly move us toward further unbelief and ultimately toward idolatry of ourselves as we attempt to sit on the throne - the throne meant for God alone! Dear sister - if you find yourself in this place today - again I implore you to quickly repent and trust God instead.


2) With Your Husband - Your marriage over time will suffer as you try to change your husband. In fact, I'm not trying to scare you but quite a few women I've talked to whose husbands have had affairs said that, before the affair happened, they always felt like their husband needed to change or "shape up." Now, when a wife is feeling that way it's very hard not to act on it for what we think in our hearts becomes known in our words and actions. Jesus said it this way: "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." (Matthew 12:34) So you see, if we continually entertain thoughts about our husband's need to change, of his "deficiencies," we will end up waging a war of words against him...I know because I, too, was one of those wives. 


Most important in your relationship with your husband is how he will interpret your discontent with him. Two ways come to mind: 


1) He will feel that you disdain him. This feeling will be strong if you are very persistent in your efforts at changing him. He may become tempted to "look elsewhere" for reassurances. This is why the Bible tells us that the adulteress woman is a flatterer. She knows the need of man to have someone admire him and at least appear to respect him. 


2) He will perceive your discontent as disrespect. To a man this is HUGE! In the book For Women Only - What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by author Shaunti Feldhahn, she tells of the survey (and extensive interviews) she conducted of hundreds of men. One question on the survey was eye-opening to her. It read, "Think about what these two negative experiences would be like: to feel alone and unloved in the world OR to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone. If you were forced to choose one, which would you prefer?" Overwhelmingly - three out of four men (74%) - said they would choose "alone and unloved;" while just 26% said "inadequate and disrespected." 


You see then, respect is as essential to a man as love is to a woman. Respect is simply not to be overlooked by God-fearing wives! The subject of respect, in fact, is the very reason I am writing these posts. I want to help wives understand what respecting their husbands "looks like" and how to live that out (see the poll on the sidebar for a glimpse of how many readers here feel they need insight into this). I truly believe these teachings will help build marriages and make happier and more contented wives, too.


Additionally, we should consider how your husband may respond to feeling your disdain and disrespect. We've already briefly looked at one possibility. Of course, not every husband who feels disrespected is going to choose adultery; but still, you may be sure that he will respond in some way. More often than not he will begin to build a wall which Helen Andelin in Fascinating Womanhood calls "his reserve."


Basically, a man's wall of reserve is his attempt to protect himself from the pain of humiliation. He may appear to his wife to be closed up, unwilling to talk, or just plain distant. Additionally, a husband may respond by having cooled feelings toward his wife. When she openly suggests he needs to improve he may reject her altogether. Obviously, any of these responses are hurtful and harmful to both partners in the marriage. 


Let me conclude, therefore, with a confession. I certainly have my own struggle in this area. It's not so much that I think negatively about my husband (like I used to do); rather it's that I read, see, or hear things that I feel sure would "help" him! (Just a little bit of pride here!) I recently told a friend that it's not God's strength to do something that I'm praying for; it's His strength to not do something that I need - namely, to keep from saying things! 


If you can believe it, just now as I was sitting here writing this post, my dear husband called and told me that he isn't going somewhere tonight I really hoped he would. I thought it would be spiritually encouraging to him. So, guess what I did? I reminded myself that I'm a new "me" and sweetly replied, "Whatever you want to do, honey."  Now, was that easy? NO! I wanted to tell him that I thought he should go. But I know that would have only brought discord. Totally not worth it!


So friend, if you've stuck with me this far and you're finding that you need (like me) to guard yourself against this common tendency in wives of pressuring their husbands to change, I ask you to stay tuned in to this blog. Next time I'll help you to discover godly ways that will encourage your husband to change. All without you ever saying a word of disrespect - or stepping outside your God-given role as helpmate!


If I can be of any assistance to you at all, or if you need to speak with me privately, please feel free to contact me by email at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. May all of you go in peace this week!

Examples of Fascinating Women from Literature

Since reading the classic book Fascinating Womanhood I find myself examining other literature for women who embody the essence of a fascinating woman. In her book author Helen Andelin describes two sides of the ideal women from a man's point of view; what she calls the "Angelic Qualities" and the "Human Qualities." 


The first half of Fascinating Womanhood deals with the Angelic qualities of a woman, particularly focusing on understanding men and their needs. Among these needs are the need for acceptance, appreciation, and admiration - things which I believe coincide beautifully with the mandate of Scripture that tells wives they must respect their husbands:


"Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33)

The second half of the book deals with the woman herself. Such things as having radiant happiness, a worthy character, and understanding her own feminine nature. These qualities, of course, are all reflected in the well-known passage of Proverbs 31:10-31.

Imagine then my delight a couple weeks ago when two women, each exemplifying one side of the fascinating woman, nearly jumped off the page at me in separate books! Let me explain. In my personal devotion time I've been going through John Piper's book Desiring God for a second time. I first read it about fourteen or fifteen years ago but one day recently, as I was rummaging through a box of books, I was excited to rediscover it. Perusing through its pages, I hadn't gotten far (in fact only through the preface of my "tenth anniversary edition") when I read these words, written to his father: 


"The dedicatory words I wrote in 1986 are still true ten years later. I can recall mother laughing so hard at the dinner table that the tears came down her face. She was a very happy woman. But especially when you came home on Monday." (His father was a traveling evangelist.) "You had been gone two weeks. Or sometimes three or four. She would glow on Monday mornings when you were coming home. 


"At the dinner table that night (these were the happiest of times in my memory) we would hear about the victories of the gospel... Holy and happy were those Monday meals. O, how good it was to have you home!"


Amazing! Now just what quality of hers do you think really jumped out at me? Yes, of course - John Piper's mother was a radiantly happy woman - and her children and husband were incredibly blessed by it. I also hope you noticed - as I did - that his mother didn't appear to harbor any self-pity over her husband's long absences. In fact, she seems to have portrayed complete contentment in her circumstances, as well as a steadfast support of her husband. She hung on his words and taught her children to do the same. What a fascinating woman Mrs. Piper must have been!


Secondly, over the last several months my daughter and I have been (slowly) reading through the Anne of Green Gables books together. It's always a joy to read-aloud good quality literature. Books are a perfect way to demonstrate to my daughter how we should interact with everything we encounter; comparing - in this case the adventures of Anne Shirley - with the one true story, the gospel of Jesus Christ. For that reason I make every effort to point out a book's themes and the virtues (or faults) of its characters.


In the fourth book of the series called Anne of Windy Poplars, Anne Shirley is now engaged to her childhood friend, Gilbert Blythe. During this time the couple is separated while Gilbert attends medical school and Anne takes a teaching position. In the little town where Anne teaches she boards with some lovable characters including two elderly ladies, Aunt Kate and Aunt Chatty, and their maid, Rebecca Dew. Since they cannot be together, Anne and Gilbert must content themselves with written communication. Much of the book, therefore, is actually Anne's long letters to him. 


In the second chapter she shares with Gilbert some snippets of love letters written by Aunt Chatty's grandmother. Although short, I was delighted to read the excerpts (and Anne's comments that follow) and immediately thought of what a beautiful example they are of a woman who knew how to captivate the heart of her husband through her respectful demeanor and attitude. As I share them I hope you'll especially note that Anne seems to possess a keen understanding of the effect of such words on a man (this also being a virtue of a fascinating woman!). So here's the first one. It appears on page 23 at the start of a letter to Gilbert: 


"Honored and Respected Sir:-
     "That is how a love letter of Aunt Chatty's grandmother began. Isn't it delicious? What a thrill of superiority it must have given the grandfather! Wouldn't you really rather prefer it to 'Gilbert darling, etc.?' "


In the second, Anne closes a letter:


"Your obedient servant,
"Anne Shirley.


"P.S. That was how Aunt Chatty's grandmother signed her love letters."


I know they're small things, but aren't these wonderful quotes? Or do they seem old-fashioned? Maybe a bit "formal?" If they do sound a little strange to our modern ears it's probably because we don't hear such talk from women nowadays! But, really, perhaps we should. Perhaps we women who love God and His Word should stop and really consider how we speak to our husbands. Are we building our husband up by showing him respect? I encourage each of us to examine our heart and answer that one honestly! 


As many of you know, I didn't always do this. In fact, I'd have to rank my past performance somewhere in the range of 1 (or maybe 2) out of 10. Sad but true! But these days I make intentional efforts at speaking respectfully to Aaron. I consider how I might "make his day."  Now, to be sure, for each husband that will mean something different. Our job, ladies, is to know and study our own man so we can bless him in a way that will be meaningful to him. I pray all the time for God to give me insight as to how I might do that. One little way I have discovered is to occasionally call my husband "Mr. S_______." I say it in my sweetest, most admiring voice. Honestly this almost always causes him to light up - no matter what sort of mood he's been in!


Therefore, getting back to Anne, her observation was absolutely right - any man would be "thrilled" to be spoken to in such a delightful way as "Honored and Respected Sir." If you doubt this, here's a question to consider - wouldn't you thrill to be called something like "Cherished and Loved Lady" by your husband? If your answer was "yes" then I have some good news. I truly believe that any man treated to this beautiful, dignified, consistent attitude by his wife will most certainly grow to cherish her more than life. He may not always say this; but he will undoubtedly show it in a multitude of other ways.


Finally, dear sisters, do we realize, as Aunt Chatty's grandmother seemed to, that we were created to be our husband's helpmate - his "obedient servant?" That if we are married we've actually been called to be a servant? At the risk of sounding cliché, let me gently remind you that "what God calls us to, He sees us through!"


Oh friend - don't be dismayed at the thought of treating or speaking to your man in a "subservient" way. Instead look to and follow Jesus, of whom the Bible says, "...the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." (Matthew 20:28) And let it be from your heart - let it flow from an attitude set on pleasing your husband above yourself. Please study and meditate on Philippians 2:1-8 for additional encouragement in this area.


Before I close, I also encourage you to keep your eyes open as you read books, watch movies, or even browse the internet. Within each of those things you will surely find a wealth of women whose example is worth following. Women who reflect the glory of their Maker as they relate to their husband and others around them. Ask yourself questions about what it is they do; what habits they have; and how they make a difference in others' lives - and then go and do the same.


Blessings on each of you this week! If you have anything to add to this I'd love to hear from you soon!

Are You Full of Grace or the Law in Your Relationships?

Note before I begin: The other day I was pecking out a little on the second article about Biblical vs. False Femininity when I was overcome with the desire to first share with you this lesson the Lord has been showing me all summer. As way of a quick update I will tell you that things are going quite a bit better with our son. If you'll remember, I shared that we had laid down some tough boundaries for him. At the same time we showed grace and acceptance of him. As it's turned out, instead of rebelling against the new rules, over the last couple months he's actually embraced them and us. We feel as if he's "rejoined" our family. This has manifested itself through the many times he's initiated a family game, walk, or movie night. Sometimes, like last night, without our prompting or asking, he came outside to join us in some fun with the Frisbee and foot races. And just a week ago we went on a three-day family vacation and had a really good time.


Now, I can't say that all this means he's walking the Lord. He's not. Is he any closer? I don't know. But there are some good signs that he's at least not hostile toward the gospel. And so, with that, I want to share a message that I hope will give you something to think about - whether you have a prodigal in your life or not. If you have any relationship with another person (and, of course, you do), I pray you'll "listen" with an open heart. Thank you and may the Lord use these words as He sees fit.

Walking in Grace or the Law?

Our son is our firstborn. And like so many parents we made all our "big mistakes" with him. Looking back, one huge mistake we made is in the area of our own heart attitude and beliefs. You see, from the beginning of our parenting journey we believed that if we could be good parents, we would have good kids. It made sense - like a safe formula that guaranteed success.


But alas - the problem I now see with that is two-fold: First, what defines "good parents," or good parenting? And second, because it's inevitable - what about when we blow it? Well, as you have probably already guessed, there is no definition for good parenting because that's like asking what the definition of a "good person" is. The truth of the matter is that there is no one who is good. Instead each one of us is inherently evil. "As it is written, 'There is none righteous, no, not one.' " (Romans 3:10)


In light of this, therefore, no one is truly capable of "good parenting" except our Heavenly Father (and even He has kids who rebel!) And because of our inadequacy, Aaron and I blew it many, many times and consequently guilt and self-condemnation would set in. Not once did we grasp the surety of God's grace in light of our failings. Oh sure, we understood that grace applied to salvation; but it was almost as if we thought that, after that, we were on our own to work things out. The only solution? Try a little harder! Not once did we see that God's grace was available for all areas of life - including our parenting. As a result of this blindness we read one parenting book after another, and went from one extreme to the other. For a time we would be tough and strict; then soft and lenient. Added to this unfortunate mix was the fact that our marriage during those years suffered from a lot of volatility and dysfunction. To my deep regret, this was the reality of our son's childhood.


I believe that as the years went on my husband became more and more law-oriented as an unconscious means of getting the best handle he could on a difficult situation. Such that, by the time our son was a teen and had become rebellious, we both responded by swinging toward being consistently strict with him. The underlying thought was, "We'll show him who's in charge!"


Unconsciously I think there was a feeling of "safety" in our rules and restrictions, as well as a belief they would shape and make him into a good little Christian. Now, I can't say that we had a relationship with him during that time. He was "moody and withdrawn" and preferred his friends over us; but instead of dealing with it we tended to just brush that aside. What we didn't understand is that rules without relationship equals rebellion. 

So we had rules for every conceivable area of his life. Of course, just like God's law for us (which is infinitely good), parents need to have rules (albeit imperfect) for their children, too. I'm not advocating loosey-goosey, permissive-type parenting here; but I am saying that because we didn't pursue a relationship with our son first, we failed to exhibit the way God works in our lives. And truly He does seek, and establish the means for, a relationship with His own... "See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him." (1 John 3:1)


Without a proper understanding of grace we plodded on; unable to give one ounce of it! Perhaps it was an attempt to reach out - I'm really not sure - but we did make a conscious effort to give him plenty of Christian worldview material to read during his high school years. Surely, we reasoned, after all this effort, it will be enough to keep our son from the world and ensure he'll embrace the faith. As long as we kept doing the things Christian parents are supposed to do, and giving him all the right opportunities to receive Christ, one day it'd pay off. 


Now, friends - do you notice anything at all about this? Can you see where the focus of our hearts was? Yes, that's right. It was on us, his parents. It was on our efforts and our works. In reality God was not in this picture at all. All the outcome of our son's soul was on our backs. And because of this we were not walking in grace, but the law. And let me say this my dear sisters - this is too heavy a load for any of us to bear! We were never meant to, yet so many of us do. We tend to do this, many times unknowingly, in a variety of relationships and a variety of situations. Therefore, in this next section let's explore how to determine if we're doing that. Hopefully we'll see whether we are grace-filled or law-filled in our heart attitude toward others.

Questions to Determine Where You're At

So how can we examine ourselves in this area, and maybe more importantly, what difference does it make? Let's take a look at these two questions separately.


Since there are just two approaches in our relationships - grace or law - it will not take rocket science to nail down where our efforts in them are centered. So then let's start with the latter. What is law's motivation? Simply put, it is self-trust; it says, "I can do this." This, of course, is the opposite of reliance upon God's grace. But in case you're not sure where your motivation lies (and I think a great many of us fall into this camp), the best possible indicator of your attitude may be your reaction.


For example, how do you feel when your husband or child fails? Whether this means failing to respond to the gospel, your advice, or anything else you're trying to share. Specifically, what emotions do you experience? If you become angry or frustrated chances are good you have a heart filled with law.


Taking this a step further, may I ask - for whose glory do you seek? If it be God's glory than there should be no problem with outbursts of anger. Nor reversely should there be any cause for pride to well up in us when the same people "do good" or succeed. And I'm talking about the kind of pride that says secretly in one's heart, "Look at our son here. He's become quite a good, Christian boy. His father and I are being rewarded for our faithfulness in raising him in 'the way he should go.' " At the heart of law is not only a reliance on our own works and abilities, but a smug feeling that God is actually obligated to reward these works. But may I remind us sisters of what the Word says about works (deeds) in Isaiah 64:6 - "For all of us have become like one who is unclean, And all our righteous deeds are like a filthy garment..." (My emphasis) In plain words - we're not good enough to "save" anyone!


So, truth be told this is how my husband and I parented for years. Hard and demanding of our son; frustrated and dismayed by his failures. And the occasional ray of sunshine when he did something to make us proud. (This, of course, is just code for "earned our approval.") 


The poor kid never felt like anything he did was good enough because our favor was turned off and on like a faucet! I can't tell you how much I regret treating him that way but I did so without even realizing it. My friend - our children should NEVER have to earn our acceptance. This is NOT the way of the one perfect parent, our Heavenly Father, who despite our weakness and sin, loved us and sent His Son to die for us. (Romans 5:8) His way is the way of grace. "Teach me Your way, O LORD; I will walk in Your truth; Unite my heart to fear Your name." (Psalm 86:11, emphasis mine)


But before you get comfortable and think, "I don't treat my children that way," or, "I don't even have children!" - allow me to remind you that this type of attitude can manifest itself in any relationship. In the case of a husband/wife relationship it may be that one spouse is demanding of the other. Maybe the wife is critical of her husband or the husband overlooks his wife's efforts at pleasing him. Literally I think there are a million ways this lack of grace could play out. And remember how I asked at the beginning of this section what difference any of this makes? Well, I'll attempt to answer that now.


First, in our case, the law-filled attitude that governed our relationship with our son caused us to miss out on God's peace and blessing. We carried around a heavy burden for his outcome. We experienced fear... What if we failed to do everything we could to bring him to faith? And what if, after all our best efforts, he still didn't receive Christ?


We also carried an idol around in our hearts - the idol of having a believing, successful child. Sometime later I dug a little deeper and discovered a second one. This one, I believe, may have been mine alone - the idol of having a good image in the community. I wanted this more than anything - even above my relationship with God. So the end result of living by the law was that instead of serving the living God - instead of "be(ing) still and know(ing) that (He is) God," and exalting Him (Psalm 46:10) - my husband and I lived in a sinful state of unbelief and idolatry. We forgot that He ALONE is savior.


So that brings me to this question: What would happen if you or I decided to place our sole trust in the Lord, looking to His grace and goodness? Quite simply we would quiet our souls and be enabled to give grace to our child, husband, friend, or whomever. We would become a vessel that He can use. Additionally, our relationship with that person would improve because we would no longer be attempting to carry them, but free to enjoy them!

What You Can Do

Hopefully by now you've been able to discover where you're at in regards to grace and law in your relationships. Now what I'd like to do is give you a little acronym I've made up to help you take the right steps toward being a grace-filled mother, wife, friend, etc.


Ready? It's simple. It's just four letters and spells the word rest, which is the state of being God wants us to experience. (A further explanation will follow.)


R - 'R' stands for Realize
E - 'E' stands for Encourage
S - 'S' stands for Show Respect
T - 'T' stands for Trust God


The first one, R for "Realize," is easy in theory but takes humility. This is what perhaps some of you have already done or are currently thinking about. Therefore, dear sisters, I encourage you, if you see some tendencies toward works and law in your relationships, to realize and acknowledge where you've been wrong. The place to begin is confessing it to God. Repent and ask Him to forgive you. After all, it is His goodness that you have doubted, and Him whom you have "dethroned" by putting yourself in His place. Remember two things: First, in regards to this we can sin in many ways such as believing that we're responsible for our children's outcome; or that it's our job as wife to get our husband to shape up, lead the family, or whatever. Second, our clue as to whether we're walking in law is our reaction, which will generally be either anger or frustration - contrasted against the fruit of grace which is peace and quietness.


The second one, E, really stands for "Encourage, don't preach." I want you to consider a verse that I meditate on often: "Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person." (Colossians 4:6) Notice first that it says our speech ought to be with grace. My dear sister - this is the heart of this message! Our words should always communicate acceptance of the person as one made in the image of God.


We need to accept others in our life as GOD Himself accepts us. "To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. (Ephesians 1:6, emphasis mine) As I look back I realize that the Lord was working this grace in me at the time of our marriage reconciliation following my husband's affair. Not because I'm so great but because He is, God enabled me to accept Aaron just as he was following those events. This wasn't easy as I was not only heartbroken from being betrayed, but I could only look on in horror at what a spiritual "mess" my husband was. But somehow, with the strength of the Lord, I simply accepted him where he was at and, truly, it was healing to our relationship.


That brings me to the second phrase of the verse above - "...as though seasoned with salt." Now, salt is many things but applicable to our discussion is the fact that it's a preservative. So think about this - Do you want to ruin, or preserve, your relationship with that other person? If you want to preserve it then consider how you might do that. Let grace be your guide. Don't preach at him or her - God doesn't need you to bring them under conviction! Instead encourage your child, husband, or friend.


For example, I no longer look for ways to "sneak in" the gospel when talking to my son. To clarify, I'm not afraid to mention God or the Bible - but when I do talk about them it's not with an agenda in mind. There is one thing I like to consistently do and that is commend the positive things I see by saying things like, "When you _____________ today it showed me that God is at work in you." Then I smile and walk away. I don't wait for a reaction or make sure he heard me. Neither do I expect him to reply. I let him know by my attitude that it's okay if he doesn't. However, I will say that recently he surprised me by responding, "Thanks Mom, I appreciate that."


And what happens if he royally blows it?! Then I encourage him a different way. I let him know that no matter what he does I still love him, and God does, too. I don't go on and on about it; but I basically try to communicate in a few words that he doesn't have to "earn" anyone's love.


The third letter in the acronym is S for "Show Respect." In the case of a prodigal child this is challenging. We've been used to guiding them their whole life and now their thoughts and views in many respects seem so different from ours. But we can learn to just listen. We can be glad that they even want to talk when they do. Even if we say nothing in response that's okay because they have the right to feel respected. In fact, arguing would be one of the worse things we could do. It will break down our relationship with them and build up walls of resentment.


Can I tell you something that might help you when you're tempted to "correct" their way of thinking? Or brood over their failures? Or try to control the outcome? This will help no matter if it's your child, your spouse, or even one of your parents. The idea is to view that person simply as someone who needs Christ. Period. Not as your wayward son, carnally-minded husband, or other similar thing. Just as a person who's lost or deceived and in terrible need of the Savior. A person just like you!


Finally, we come to the last letter of the acronym, T. It stands for "Trust God." At the root of grace-filled living needs to be trust in God. So say for instance you desire, but perhaps struggle, to show respect to your husband who's walking in disobedience to the Lord. My suggestion? Trust God. Trust Him for the strength to do it. While I've mentioned this Scripture passage many times before, look again in 1 Peter 3 at what the holy women in former times did:

"In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands." (1 Peter 3:1-5)

You see, these women acted in accordance with their trust and hope in God. Now, think about this - trust is the opposite of fear, right? And what does fear do to people? Well, if you think about when people are seized with fear you know that fear actually controls them. One Bible example that comes to mind is Elijah. In Chapter 19 of 1 Kings we find him running for fear of his life: "Now Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, 'So may the gods do to me and even more, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by tomorrow about this time.' And he was afraid and arose and ran for his life and came to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there." (1 Kings 19:1-3, emphasis mine)


Another example is, interestingly enough, the father of faith himself, Abraham. Do you remember the terrible thing he did to his wife when he was afraid?

"It came about when he came near to Egypt, that he said to Sarai his wife, 'See now, I know that you are a beautiful woman; and when the Egyptians see you, they will say, "This is his wife"; and they will kill me, but they will let you live. Please say that you are my sister so that it may go well with me because of you, and that I may live on account of you.' " (Genesis 12:11-13)

Unfortunately, not only did he allow her to be taken by Pharoah, he did it again in Chapter 20 when he met Abimelech, king of Gerar! And we, like these Bible characters, become fearful when we get our eyes off God and unto our circumstances. We either begin to "sink" like Peter on the water as he began to look around at the wind and the waves (Matthew 14:30); or, in another response to fear, we attempt to control others to gain peace of mind.


May I speak plainly and suggest that if you are in the least bit a controlling person you need to grow in grace? Likewise, if you have a hard time controlling your anger in response to people in your life it may be that you are lacking in love. You see, the bottom line is that grace and love are co-mingled. They go together! Look at this verse: "The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, be with you all." (2 Corinthians 13:14)


So, is fear or anger controlling you in your relationships, dear sister? I have a simple solution. Trust in God and be controlled instead by the love of Christ. This is what the apostle Paul did. He said, "For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died." (2 Corinthians 5:14) One dictionary I consulted described the verb "control" as exercising a dominating influence over. What a wonderful definition! Oh how we should strive to allow Christ's love to dominate us!


Perhaps, though, the very best thing about demonstrating to others that you're trusting God (again, manifested through your grace and love) is that it will be a powerful testimony to any unbelieving, difficult, or prodigal person in your life. A familiar verse that comes to mind is Matthew 5:16, "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven."


Finally, remember that in relation to this, faith is the only way we may do anything that will result in God being glorified and drawing others to Himself. It is referred to in 2 Thessalonians as "the work of faith:"

"To this end also we pray for you always, that our God will count you worthy of your calling, and fulfill every desire for goodness and the work of faith with power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus will be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12)

Well, that about wraps up the things I wanted to share with you today. This is a lesson that I'm asking God to reveal to me in increasing measure. I want to walk in and be filled with grace! I want my children, husband, extended family, and friends to all experience it!


If you have questions or comments I welcome them here. Or, if there is a need to speak to me privately please feel free to email. Blessings on you all this week!