What an Adulteress Knows (That Wives Need to Know)

Growing up did you ever get an 'F' on your report card? If you did, you probably remember the sting of humiliation that brought you. You received an 'F' because you failed that subject. While I never did get one of those dreaded grades, at least not on a report card, I have certainly failed at other things. 


For instance, I got a big, fat 'F' as a wife for the first 17 years of my marriage. You'd think I would have learned in that amount of time! Well, I didn't; but I'm a living testimony to the greatest teacher in the world today - our Lord Jesus Christ! When I finally sat at His feet and listened, He showed me how to be a good wife. But alas - I'm getting ahead of myself! First I'd like to tell you about the two things I failed to do and provide for my husband which eventually led us down the road to adultery. 

One Thing It's Not About

It is important, however, for me to stress something first so that we can hopefully eliminate at least one myth. A man who is unfaithful to his wife usually doesn't do so because the adulteress woman is drop-dead gorgeous. It's not as if he spots this beautiful woman whom his wife pales in comparison to, and so decides to pursue her. In fact, in many cases the opposite is true. Instead it's observed that the wife is actually more physically attractive than the mistress. While I want to be careful not to generalize too much, let me state that most of the time this comparison in looks is not a major factor in an unfaithful husband's thoughts or actions. My own husband told me that it didn't even cross his mind. As we'll see in a minute, it's not necessarily the adulteress's physical traits that attract a man, it's what she does and how she makes him feel.


Now, I don't want to beat a dead horse, but because they came to mind I'll give you a couple examples before we move on. So while I'm not really into following mainstream culture, I'm up on it enough to know that this phenomenon of the wife being more attractive than the mistress is common even in celebrity marriages. Two recent instances would be the affairs of Tiger Woods - whose wife is stunningly beautiful; and Jesse James, unfaithful to his wife, Sandra Bullock - who by comparison to her husband's mistresses, is a very classy lady indeed! 


So please, if your husband has been unfaithful and you're tempted to think it's because you're not as beautiful, remember these two examples. Just put that worry out of your mind! In fact, unless it was what society calls a "one-night stand," forget about physical attraction altogether. It truly is a small matter. I encourage you to soberly realize instead, dear sister, that adultery is usually much deeper than that. But there is an upside to that: We are born with our looks and other than losing weight or tweaking our appearance, we can only change so much. However, what we'll talk about in more detail later can absolutely transform us! It can affect every area of our hearts and life.


So let me start then by telling you that I've spent quite a bit of time studying who the adulteress woman is. I've looked at Scripture, as well as real-life, and noted some important things. In the last year I've had the chance to speak with different women whose husbands have been unfaithful, and I'm discovering that in each case their husbands' affair partner has a lot in common with the others. While this woman comes in every shape, size, color, and background, I think that we can draw some general conclusions about her. 


My purpose here in looking at these women is not so we may self-righteously exult ourselves. I've already admitted that I got an 'F' in Marriage 101. However, wouldn't you like to know why husbands can become attracted to them? If we could glean from this information, couldn't we also then help ourselves by first, learning from it, and second, applying what we've learned?

The Adulteress is a Failure, Too

Now, by the title of this section don't think for a moment that I mean she's a "loser." If you're in the beginning stages, or even in the midst of your spouse's adultery, it may be tempting to think of this woman in this light. Boy, don't I know it! I confess to you, dear sisters, that I had my share of unChrist-like thoughts toward the other woman for quite some time. However, as you experience the release of forgiveness, the desire to put her down will diminish along with a growing desire to see her through our Lord's eyes.

Perhaps you're wondering then what I mean by calling her a failure. Simply put, she's usually been around the block a few times, had her share of men, or however you want to say it - and it's not been pretty! While I stress again that to a degree I'm generalizing (but hopefully not stereotyping), there does seem to be this common thread among the "adversaries" of the wives I've talked to and have read about. This certainly was the case of the other woman in my marriage. Furthermore, it's not uncommon for adulteress women to be divorced, or in the process of going through a divorce. 


So then, enter your husband. He comes along and looks like a pretty stable guy. It could even be that she's known the two of you as a couple for some time and thinks it'd be pretty nice to have your life. In her mistaken notions, at least to some degree, she believes he's her knight in shining armor. She may or may not believe things would be different if she were with your husband, but she obviously is willing to give it a try. 


On the other hand, of course it's possible that none of the things I've mentioned are what motivate her. Having been hurt a number of times or presently in a painful relationship, she may just want to have the "pleasure" of ruining another person's good fortune. Sadly, this is just how some people think. A couple verses that demonstrate this are Proverbs 2:14, "(Those) Who delight in doing evil, And rejoice in the perversity of evil." And, "Doing wickedness is like sport to a fool." (Proverbs 10:23)  


However, the real bottom line is that whatever her motive (and there are literally millions possible) for going after a married guy, she's been a failure thus far. She would not have pursued your husband if this were not the case. Now, while it may seem like it, my intent here is not to thoroughly analyze the motives of an adulteress woman. I only wanted to briefly look at them so we could establish the fact that she has been a failure where long-term relationships are concerned. Building on that point then, we'll be able to see that while an overall failure, she actually does know something that you and I need to know. 


Before I get to her "secrets" though, I want to explain why I mentioned "long-term relationships" a moment ago. The reason is that because by contrast to her failure at lasting relationships, many adulteresses are expert at attracting men - at least for the short-term. I remember well having this very discussion with Aaron. It was early on in our marriage restoration when he told me that he had thought the other woman was pretty attractive when he first met her and "good" at attracting men. Without even thinking - though in retrospect I praise God that what I said was actually Biblical - I responded by blurting out angrily, "Well, of course she is! She's an adulteress!" 


So, what does this woman, the one the Bible calls the "evil woman," know? There are just two things really, so let's jump in and take a look at them now.

Admiration vs. Flattery

"To deliver you from the strange woman,

From the adulteress who flatters with her words." Proverbs 2:16

"For the lips of an adulteress drip honey

         And smoother than oil is her speech..." Proverbs 5:3

"To keep you from the evil woman,

         From the smooth tongue of the adulteress." Proverbs 6:24

These three verses spell it out in plain English for us - adulteress women are flatterers. One dictionary defined 'flatter' like this:) 1. To compliment excessively and often insincerely, especially in order to win favor; 2. To please or gratify the vanity of.  I'd like to zero in on something with you. It's the word 'insincerely,' used in the first definition. An adulteress does not truly admire or respect your husband or mine, but she will insincerely say flattering things to gain an advantage or "win favor" as it says. And over whom does she wish to gain an advantage? That's right - you and me. She's out to win the fight over this man. (And what could be more flattering to him than that?!) In summary then, here is the adulteress' first secret: She is an opportunist, aware of when a man lacks genuine admiration from his wife. Since she is not his wife, she can only give him a counterfeit of the real thing - what we call "flattery."

They say "Flattery will get you nowhere;" but the adulteress doesn't believe that for a moment! To her flattery does get her somewhere. Look again at Proverbs 5:3. It describes  with vivid word-pictures the way she entices a man: Lips that drip with "honey" and speech that's smoother than "oil." In ancient times, when Solomon penned these words, honey and oil were both valuable and desirable. But Solomon goes so far to say that her words are actually smoother than oil! It's as if he was saying that as valuable and desirable as oil is, her words are even better than this. (It's funny, but to my contemporary way of thinking I can't help but think she's also "slick" like oil - as in used-car salesman "slick.") 


Basically what we really need to understand is that an adulteress's speech sounds and feels good to a man deprived of genuine admiration in his marriage. It appeals to his flesh. But more than that, too. It appeals to a good side of his nature as well; the side of man that needs his wife to provide him with the respect that God Himself created him to need. Therefore, when such holy reverence is lacking, he becomes open to the evil flattery of a harlot.


Unfortunately most wives just don't realize all this. Like me for so long, they go about trying to change their husband, nagging, and criticizing; and ultimately they forget that they're not supposed to be head over their man. Instead, God placed the husband over the wife. When a wife usurps her husband's authority, there's a price to be paid!

"But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ." 1 Corinthians 11:3

Wives who have stepped outside their role also naturally fail to express acceptance, appreciation, and open admiration for their husbands as they should. Instead, the man in this situation feels like his wife holds him in contempt. You see, he takes things at face value. If she's always trying to change him and reminding him of his failures, then she must not like him for who he is. And really, you can't blame a guy for feeling this way! 


Now, whereas a wife holds within her power the ability to tremendously bless her husband and feed his soul with everything that is true and beautiful in God's sight; the adulteress, in the absence of this, has the ability to seduce someone's husband through her fake and insincere flattery. She offers him a counterfeit - and if he's hungry enough he'll fall for it. I believe such women seem to know this almost instinctively. It's as if their antennae are up, and they can spot a respect-starved man a mile away. They've learned to study men and have figured out that flattery is just the thing that will get them what they want.


I don't know much about the late writer and humorist Helen Rowland, but I think this quote by her contains a lot of wisdom: "A woman's flattery may inflate a man's head a little; but her criticism goes straight to his heart, and contracts it so that it can never again hold quite as much love for her." Oh boy - if that isn't a warning to us wives! Remember, the adulteress needs only to flatter a husband who's craving admiration and she'll have short-term success; giving this man just what he needs to develop an "addiction" to her and a schoolboy crush. That's why these types of relationships are so exciting to a cheating spouse and make him act like a thirteen year old boy rather than a grown man! Meanwhile, the unknowing wife, who continues in her ways, is making his heart become harder and harder toward her and his love wane or even cease to exist.


I know we'd like to think that even if we do criticize him or fail to admire him, he still doesn't have an excuse! And that's true, he doesn't. However, while we're on quotes I have another one for you to consider. This time it's by Debi Pearl from her book Created to be His Help Meet. Listen to what she says: "When a woman does not provide for her husband a comfortable nest and a reverent attitude, she has to rely on his goodness to 'keep him' faithful. She is a fool to expect him to be a good husband when she is not being the help meet God has created her to be. A man coming home to a tense or messy home, lousy meals, and a wife who is critical, might not have the 'goodness' to remain faithful if a sweet young woman at work seeks to pull him away with the promise (illusion) of a more fulfilling comfort zone."


Dear sister, could the truth be any clearer? We as wives have got to stop waiting for our husbands to somehow "earn" our respect! This idea of "Respect is something you earn" is from the world - not from the Lord! Instead, His Word tells us, "Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33) Remember - the Apostle Paul, who was writing in the wisdom of God, attached no conditions to these commands.


Therefore, just as our husbands are commanded to love us unconditionally - so we also are to respect them unconditionally. So your husband may be a first-class jerk, but you know what? God still calls you to respect him. He still calls you to die to yourself and meet his needs anyway. This is the truth I had to learn the hard way, as have countless other wives. I know some of you might say, "But how can I do this?! You don't know how awful he is!" You're right, I don't know nor will I ever. But one thing I do know and that's how incredibly AWESOME God is! Because of this, I also I know that you can respect your husband when you do it as unto the Lord! Let the reverence you show your husband be a direct manifestation of your reverence for God.


On the other hand, maybe your spouse isn't so bad. Maybe you've got a sound marriage. Or perhaps you would describe your marriage this way, but your husband would not. In the last year I've discovered that it's very common for a wife to feel everything is fine in her marriage and, without his wife's knowledge, the husband to feel the opposite. The reason for this may be that many times a woman is so taken up with the children and her own life (a real danger in homeschool families), that the husband is left feeling neglected or as if he's no longer number one. He longs to be his wife's hero, but instead ends up feeling more like a "zero!"  


I hope you're not doing this, dear sister. I hope your marriage is truly good, and your husband satisfied. However, if you're not so sure and there's a little doubt there, would you allow me to ask you a pointed question or two? Here they are: Have you given your husband any "soul food" lately? Have you taken care to intentionally safe-guard your marriage through the ministry of sincere acceptance (not trying to change him), appreciation, and especially ADMIRATION of your husband?


So how did you rate on these two questions? If you're not sure, you can always pray. Be assured that God wants to give you success as a wife and will identify for you any areas of shortcoming. In future posts we'll be exploring ways to respect our husbands that I believe will be both fun and exciting. We'll discover that it's not an impossible task, but something we can do one day and one step at a time.

God's Secret Weapon for Wives

Oh how I'd love to shout this message from the rooftops! Friend, it works! Respect really, really works and  has the power of God to change your man from a lying, cheating, and sneaking husband to one whose desire is to please God. I have seen it happen in my own husband's life, as well as in others I've recently met or have read about. Do you know why I said that it's the "power of God?" It's because this idea is not mine. Rather, it comes straight to us from the Bible and is His little secret weapon for wives:

"In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior."  1 Peter 3:1-2

I hope you'll grab a hold of this. The adulteress has just two things in her "arsenal." The first one, which we've been discussing, is flattery. We've read about it in the verses from Proverbs above. I've seen it play out in real life. In my own marriage, this is the way the other woman "lured" my husband in. She planned for when she'd see him again and then flattered him about his job. 

But we've also learned that we have a "missile defense shield."  We don't have to stand by just hoping and trusting in our husband's inherent goodness. We can keep him close to home and close to our heart through our own weapon - our respect. It is more powerful than we'll ever know. Aaron confirmed this recently when he remarked, "I really have a good wife now. You do so much for me. I have everything a man could want and more!"

The Second "Secret"

As much as I'd like to continue with this, I realize that this post is getting lengthy. However, before I conclude I'll give you a taste of the next post, which happens to be the second thing the adulteress knows. It is the power of femininity. But wait! We'll also discover that this, too, is only an illusion - a counterfeit. For she is anything but truly feminine. She is limited and only offers a man what I'm choosing to call "false femininity." This sort of person, the kind who wishes to ensnare a married man, resorts to using her best "feminine wiles." It's literally all she's got and goes only skin-deep.

Dear sister in the Lord - this is where we have a tremendous advantage! By contrast, we can exemplify Biblical femininity that is both true and enduring. It's beauty will not fade away. However, do we truly understand what Biblical femininity is? I thought I did - but I fell far short of the ideal. In fact, I still do; but I'm learning and relying on God's grace! 


Therefore, next time here on Oil of His Grace I'll be comparing these two very different things: true femininity versus false femininity. In addition, we'll see how today's world defines femininity very differently from the Word of God, and how it promotes that lie.

I'm really looking forward to it. I hope together we'll discover that being truly feminine is both a joy and a challenge. A good challenge though! And one that will really enhance our marriages.

Please, I invite your comments here so don't be shy! Or, if you prefer to speak to me privately, you may contact me by email at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. See you next time and until then, "May the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely..." (1 Thessalonians 5:23)

Obstacles to Healing - Part 5: Dismay & How to Prevent Future Affairs

"How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,

Nor stand in the path of sinners,

Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!

But his delight is in the law of the LORD,

And in His law he meditates day and night."

Psalm 1:1-2

Dismay. Was that the "D' word you were expecting? Perhaps not, but maybe you'll understand why I chose it when I express in a moment some common questions experienced by betrayed spouses. Most often these questions come on the heel of our decision to stay in the marriage and "work it out." But the problem is, we don't know how to work it out! We wonder what that looks like. We ask ourselves: Where do we go from here? What should I do? And, if I may be totally honest - What can we do to prevent this from happening again?!

Actually, for me, it was this last question that plagued me. It felt unacceptable not to have a plan in place to keep my husband accountable. I was frightened and insecure. Most of all, I didn't want to experience the pain of adultery again so I thought we needed something that would reassure me it would not happen a second time. Really, what I wanted was a guarantee. 

So I began to research. Not the Bible, but other "sources." Though I was a bit skeptical, I read books about infidelity and affairs written by secular authors, as well as their websites. For some reason I had a really hard time finding books with solid Biblical advice regarding this issue; but I was desperate for answers so I devoured just about everything I bought or read. Finally I ended up ordering a book that I thought was Christian (its author claimed to be a Christian), but sadly its advice contained the same elements as that of the worldly-minded "affair experts." None the less, I bought into it.


Basically, the idea behind the advice was that the only way to prevent a future affair was to be completely, 100% honest about the attractions we feel for other people. In the eyes of the affair experts its a natural part of life to feel attracted to people other than our spouse. The important thing is to discuss them with our husband or wife so that they don't remain secret. It's the secrecy that's dangerous. However, if these attractions are brought into the light, and we're honest about them, it diffuses their power and prevents us from acting on them. Then we can talk about what's wrong in our relationship and why we're feeling attracted to another person.


Well, on the surface this sounds like good advice. In a way, it even seems to line up with the Bible. After all, doesn't His Word tell us to be honest? Doesn't it warn us against secret things? "Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts." (1 Corinthians 4:5) 


On the other hand, after deeper inspection, I think we'll conclude that there are several things wrong with this advice. To get a handle on this though, I'd like to start by distinguishing between man's wisdom and God's wisdom. Or as Scripture refers to them - the wisdom which "descendeth not from above" (James 3:15), versus "the wisdom that is from above." (James 3:17) 

Man's Wisdom Leaves God Out

Of man's wisdom the Bible says this: "This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic." The King James Version puts it, "...earthly, sensual, devilish." (James 3:15) In stark contrast, God's wisdom is defined this way: "But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy." (James 3:17) 


By just this quick glance we see how vastly different they are from one another. However, I'd like to draw special attention to one of the words which describes earthly wisdom - "natural;" or as the King James more graphically renders it - "sensual." Now, let the meaning of those words sink in for a moment. Then compare it with the picture you get for the word that is associated with God's wisdom, which is "pure."


On just the strength of comparison between these two words, we'll see in a minute just how far (and how fast!) we should run from any advice that encourages natural thinking. So let's begin by looking a little deeper at this first word. It's the Greek psuchikos. I've already said that it's been translated as "natural" or "sensual" in this passage from James. In a short sense it means "animal, natural, sensuous." The Lockman Foundation describes it as "worldy-minded," while Strong's Exhaustive Concordance goes a bit further and says that it refers to that which is of the "lower or bestial nature." Finally, and perhaps most helpful, the Helps Word-Studies notes this definition for psuchikos: "Soulish, i.e. what is natural, as it relates to physical (tangible) life alone (i.e. apart from God's inworking of faith)." 


So, from this last definition we could certainly say that earthly wisdom leaves God out. It excludes God from the picture. Remember I said a few moments ago that the advice I received "sounded good" on the surface? As I look back now, I believe this was because earthly, or man's wisdom, will always place an emphasis on natural man - what "feels good" or "seems right" to man. This is seen in the Bible where it says, "There is a way which seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death." (Proverbs 16:25) This "way" ascends no higher than our own human reasoning and attempts to work "apart from God's inworking of faith," as we saw above. Therefore, at least in the beginning of our marriage reconciliation, this "wisdom" appealed to me because it appealed to my flesh.


Here's the problem then as I stated before - this advice totally left God out of the loop. If you or I are going to attempt to prevent another affair from happening in our marriage by having our husband tell us about every attraction he feels for another woman, or vice versa, we make no room for God's working. I've made a diagram here to demonstrate this. 

In this diagram we see that there is an exchange between husband and wife. He tells me when he feels a pull toward someone else, as do I. Yes, we may be honest with each other, but we haven't invited God into our situation, nor have we dealt with the underlying heart issues. A couple verses come to mind in regards to this. The first one, in contrast to this advice, stresses the importance of asking God into every detail of our life:

"In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight." 

Proverbs 3:6

Notice the if/then relationship in this verse. If we acknowledge Him, then will He respond by making our paths straight. Or, maybe I should paraphrase in the context of what we've been talking about and say that God will make things go right in our marriage, when we seek to do things His way.

The second verse discusses how God views man's wisdom:

"Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?" 1 Corinthians 1:20

From the Lord's perspective, the wisdom of the wisest man is but foolishness - it's nonsense! Everything God has revealed through the Bible, however, has been for the purpose of showing us a better way. HIS way. Ever since the fall, man has always attempted to live apart from God, coming to inadequate conclusions about how to deal with the hard things of life.


So let's bring that right down to how to handle the issue of preventing a future affair from happening. Should we rely on man's wisdom, or does God's Word address this concern? Let me tell you that it most definitely does (which we'll soon discover), and stress here that unless we go to God with our marriage and our family, we will be assured of nothing! However, if we go to God, allowing Him to build our marriage and our family, we can be confident of success. While I'm sure you're familiar with it, here's a wonderful verse to illustrate my point:

"Unless the LORD builds the house, They labor in vain who build it; Unless the LORD guards the city, The watchman keeps awake in vain." Psalm 127:1

Focuses on the Natural Man

So, while the first problem with the advice from the affair experts is that it leaves God out of our marriage and out of the (re)building process; the second major problem is the emphasis on the natural man. We should recognize that it gives inappropriate place, and value, to the carnal nature. 

Someone might wonder, how so? Well, let's look at what the affair experts say. They advise us to tell our spouse when we're feeling attracted to someone else... Please! If it's gotten that far it's become more than a passing glance at an attractive person. (Which is normal, by the way!) Of course we're going to notice a handsome man or beautiful woman. We can't deny that. Additionally, it's not sinful to notice physically attractive people because we're apt to acknowledge it and then give little additional thought to the matter. "Oh, there's a handsome man. That's nice."

But that's not what they're talking about. What the affair experts mean is an attraction that goes beyond just thinking someone looks good. They mean a dangerous attraction - a desire to get to know that person more. A natural pull, they would call it, toward someone other than our husband or wife. While the secular mind recognizes that such an attraction is a threat to the marriage, it excludes recognition of the process that brought a person to that place. "Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death." (James 1:15) To unbelievers, such things as this just naturally occur. Denying that it's actually sin, however, means their proposed "solution" is completely inadequate. It lacks the power of God, through the Holy Spirit, to defeat sin at its root. 


So, while as Christians we can't deny that such attractions do happen, we must ask relevant questions. First, what can we find in the Scriptures that would address this issue? And second, what can we do to prevent initial attractions from developing into those that can lead to adultery? 

• First things first! On the issue of when we first recognize that we're becoming attracted to another person how about applying this verse: "The prudent (man) sees the evil and hides himself, but the naive go on, and are punished for it." (Proverbs 22:3)
• What does it mean that the prudent man "hides himself?" First, if possible, it's wise to physically get away from that person. In other words, don't shop the store where he's employed, or visit the gym where he works out. Think of Joseph and Potiphar's wife. Now, while most of the time we think only of the part where Joseph runs away from her and she grabs his tunic, do you realize that he was already behaving wisely toward her before this? Genesis 39:10 tells us in the New Living Translation (which I don't normally use but is really helpful here), "She kept putting pressure on Joseph day after day, but he refused to sleep with her, and he kept out of her way as much as possible." Wow! I feel like shouting, "Yes! Way to go Joseph!" Despite his youth and inexperience with women, he prudently avoided her as much as he could.
• Second, a really good answer to how a man hides himself is that he begins by protecting his heart - the place where Jesus said all sin, including adultery, begins. (Matthew 15:19) A good verse to meditate on, therefore, is Proverbs 4:23, "Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life." 
• How can I do this? How can I watch over my heart? My friend, it's the thoughts we allow ourselves to entertain in our heart that get us into trouble. So consider this verse: "We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5)
• Instead of just "putting off" those sinful thoughts, we need to then also "put on" godly thoughts: "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." (Philippians 4:8) And, "O LORD, who may abide in Your tent? Who may dwell on Your holy hill? He who walks with integrity, and works righteousness, And speaks truth in his heart." (Psalm 15:1-2)

Arouses to Sin

"Fine, fine, fine!" I can hear someone reading this say. "I agree with all that, but it wasn't ME who had an affair!" Okay, fair enough. So are you saying that you can only watch your heart and take your thoughts captive, but that won't make your spouse do those things, or keep him from having another affair?! 

Well friend, you're right - it won't. In fact, you can do nothing at all to keep your spouse from having another affair. If any person (including your husband) is bent toward sin, and not God, it won't matter that he has "accountability." Forced into it and without truly having a desire for it or the things of God, there's a good chance that person may lie just to avoid getting into "trouble." In fact, let me be so bold to say that without feeling the freedom to choose whether to be accountable and faithful, a spouse may be more tempted than ever to cheat. A verse of Scripture that bears this out is Romans 7:5, "For while we were in the flesh, the sinful passions, which were aroused by the Law, were at work in the members of our body to bear fruit for death." 


Next to the Bible the best thing I've read about this concept of the law, or (in a similar sense here) forced accountability, arousing a person to sin is a quote from John MacArthur. He stated, "Nothing is more appealing to sinful man than to do something that is expressly forbidden. Simply tell people what they cannot do and they will rush to disobey."


Think with me a moment about young adult children of Christian parents who were well-behaved, church-going children while growing up; yet who left home and completely rejected the Christian lifestyle. Oftentimes we're surprised when this happens. But really, think about it. While still at home their parents acted as a "restraining force;" but once out from under dad and mom's authority, they go the way of the world because they never really knew Christ. Instead of being restrained by the Holy Spirit, these children had only their parents to restrain them from sin. They experienced "law," but never received grace. "But now we have been released from the Law, having died to that by which we were bound, so that we serve in newness of the Spirit and not in oldness of the letter." (Romans 7:6)


So, here's a couple questions for you. Do you believe in laying down "the law" with your husband? Do you think that by encouraging him to think about what women he finds attractive, and telling you about it, you may act as a "restraining force?" Think about that and then answer this question: Do you really want the responsibility of trying to control your husband for the rest of your life?


These are important questions, dear sister! Oh, how I struggled with this! I wanted to control things, but I got so exhausted trying!

So What Can We do?

Let me give you some things you can do that will make life a little easier and more enjoyable in the long run. These are some Biblical actions you can actually begin to take right now toward preventing future affairs. What's more, you'll grow and mature as a Christian first, and then as a wife.

1.) Trust God. Give your spouse to the Lord. "How blessed is the man who has made the LORD his trust, And has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood." (Psalm 40:4) And, "Blessed is the man that trusteth in the LORD, and whose hope the LORD is." (Jeremiah 17:7)

2.) Pray. Give this concern to the Lord. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

3.) Become an outstanding and fascinating woman who pleases God, and inspires her husband to love and cherish his wife. You may do this by... A) Asking God for insight...B) Considering how to provoke him to love and good works. (Hebrews 10:24)... C) Learning what the Bible says about being an excellent wife. The Lord willing, this will be the subject for my next post!

You want to know the really neat thing? Remember the diagram above? It showed us how the advice of the "affair experts" left God out of the picture. However, allow me to encourage you that when you Trust God, Pray, and Become an outstanding and fascinating woman, you'll be inviting the Lord into your marriage. You'll discover the wellspring of His wisdom! The diagram below will now illustrate for us what a marriage characterized by seeking God, gaining wisdom, and applying that wisdom to the relationship should look like.

Now, looking at this diagram you may be tempted to think that this only works when both parties are seeking God. Conventional, or should I say "worldly" wisdom, would certainly tell us that. Next time, though, I hope to convince you by my personal experience that a marriage can be turned around by just one spouse willing to do the right thing. I DO NOT say this to credit myself because for far too many years I sought to do my own thing, and have my own way. Instead I give God all the glory for what He has done in my heart, and in fact is still doing! I have such a long way to go!!

Let's go back to the beginning of this post. Are you dismayed my friend? Are you afraid, not sure whether you can live without being assured of your husband's future faithfulness? Please, don't be. Don't live in fear. Remember that God has not given you "the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7) Go in God's peace today. See you back soon!

Identifying & Overcoming Obstacles to Healing - Part 4: Deception & Divorce

Loophole (n.) - An unintentional characteristic of a law which allows one to circumvent the law's intention without actually breaking that law.


Since I've been talking about adultery for some time here, it begs a very important question: Does Scripture allow divorce in the case of adultery? I cannot deny that the short answer is 'yes.' There are, in fact, two "Biblical grounds" for divorce named in the Bible: 


1.) Sexual sin (the Greek word 'porneia' meaning "fornication, whoredom, idolatry"), as mentioned by Jesus in Matthew 19:9
2.) Abandonment by an unbelieving spouse, spoken of by Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16

For now we'll focus only on the first one. I can't stress how important it is to not run with this exception and think that Jesus was actually approving of divorce. Rather, we should take Matthew 19:9 in context of the passage and look at what He said just prior to this statement about sexual sin. Here's what verse 8 says,


"He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way." Matthew 19:8 


There are two things I believe we must pull from this verse. First, Moses "permitted." It does not say "excused" or "overlooked." It certainly does not mean that he permitted as in "was lenient with" either. No, instead we must acknowledge that Moses, as mediator between the people and God, had to constantly contend with sinful mankind and their "hardness of heart." Therefore, while it was God who instituted marriage, it was man who instituted divorce. 


Secondly, go back with me for a moment to the definition of "loophole." It refers to the law's intention. In the case of divorce, we need to understand that divorce was never God's intention or His best. "But from the beginning it has not been this way," our verse above says. And another: "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6) We may say then that Jesus, rather than condoning it or putting His stamp of approval on it, was trying in this passage to reiterate to His listeners that God never meant for the covenant of marriage to be broken. (Interestingly enough it was the Pharisees, who Jesus strongly condemned for their spiritual hardness [Matthew 23:1-35], who were listening as He responded to a question about divorce). The reason for this is because marriage is more than just flowery words said in front of a group of witnesses. To borrow a phrase from our 21st century Christian culture - It's a GOD-THING! 


To summarize then, we must acknowledge that divorce is allowable, as regulated by Scripture. However, because God regulates it does not mean that He likes it. In fact, God used strong words in Malachi 2:16 to describe His feelings about divorce: " 'For I hate divorce,' says the LORD, the God of Israel, 'and him who covers his garment with wrong,' says the LORD of hosts. 'So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.' "


Therefore, don't be deceived - God hates divorce. He hates the sin that is involved even in Biblical divorce.

Marriage as a Covenant

Many people, myself included, when they entered into marriage viewed it as a type of contract. Since I'm into definitions today I'll give you the one for "contract" from a legal dictionary: "An agreement with specific terms between two or more persons or entities in which there is a promise to do something in return for a valuable benefit, known as consideration." Now that's about perfect for describing how a lot of people think about marriage! I promise to do certain things for you, but in return I also expect to receive certain things. 

Notice another thing - our definition says that a contract is an agreement between "two or more people." If I see marriage as merely a contract, then because it's only my spouse and I who promise to do something for each other, I will naturally conclude that our union is just between the two of us. By default this viewpoint excludes from the picture the very One who created marriage and can, therefore, heal and restore it. 


Take now, however, the idea that marriage is a covenant. We may ask, how is this perspective different from seeing it as merely a contract? What difference does it make? While a whole book could be written on this subject, let me state just a few things:


1.) Actually, the word "covenant" is used only once in the Bible in regards to marriage: "Yet you say, 'For what reason?' Because the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant." (Malachi 2:14) The pattern for most Biblical covenants included and defined the duties and responsibilities each party was expected to perform. Therefore, in the context of these parameters, it makes sense that marriage is here referred to as a "covenant." Otherwise, how could God accuse this one of dealing "treacherously" against his wife - unless there was an understood set of duties he was to perform in relation to that wife, and had failed? 


2.) While a "contract marriage" is understood as being between two people, a "covenant marriage" is understood as being between three. We have no further to look than the Book of Genesis for this pattern to be demonstrated. Here we find God presenting Eve to Adam - a picture of the marriage ideal. Three are involved - husband, wife, and God. 

Additionally, another verse which furthers this notion of God giving a woman to her husband is Proverbs 19:14, "House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the LORD." 


3.) Not only does the Bible begin with the scene of marriage, it ends with it, too. As stated previously, in the opening chapters of Genesis we see the marriage of Adam and Eve. In the Book of Revelation we see the marriage of Christ and His bride, the Church. Here, much like God presenting Eve to Adam, we have the Church as a gift of the Father to the Son. Together these two marriages form a picture of the story of redemption, so that the entire Bible seems to enfold itself around the beauty of the marriage covenant.


4.) In the culture of the ancient Jews, the marriage covenant had two parts - the betrothal and the actual completed marriage. During the betrothal, what we now call the engagement period, the bride was considered married but not yet taken to her husband's home. This is the stage of marriage the Church is currently in with relationship to Christ. The Apostle Paul stated, "For I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy; for I betrothed you to one husband, so that to Christ I might present you as a pure virgin." (2 Corinthians 11:2)


The consummation of the marriage took place later and denoted the Hebrew concept of "lifting up;" hence the custom of "lifting the veil," and carrying the bride across the threshold. For the Church, this "lifting up" will take place at the second coming of Christ. 


Think with me for a moment of the kind of words Jesus used in John 14:2-3: "In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also." These are most certainly marriage words!


Therefore, rightly understood, marriage between a man and woman is actually an earthly representation of the covenant between Christ and the Church. This idea of marriage as a covenant is the entire reason I told you in an earlier post that I cried out to God during my husband's adultery, "Lord, please save our marriage and our family! This is Your little family!" I entrusted to God the relationship He Himself had brought about. 

God is a Covenant-Keeping God

This brings me to my next point and will make everything I've shared applicable to our lives. Hopefully it will also give you some food for thought if you're currently struggling through this issue of divorce following adultery. 


So for starters I'll state that God is a covenant-keeper. Here are just a handful of verses for proof (there are many, many more!):


"Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." (Genesis 28:15)


"God is not a man, that He should lie, Nor a son of man, that He should repent; Has He said, and will He not do it? Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?" (Numbers 23:19)


"Know therefore that the LORD your God, He is God, the faithful God, who keeps His covenant and His lovingkindness to a thousandth generation with those who love Him and keep His commandments." (Deuteronomy 7:9)


"Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass." (1 Thessalonians 5:24)


"If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself." (2 Timothy 2:13)


With these thoughts of God's faithfulness in mind, I will tell you that although I sometimes faltered in clinging to the Biblical understanding of marriage, ultimately I asked myself this question: Should I be looking for the "out," or looking to "stick it out?" This was an important question. It was tempting to want to take the "easy" way out. In my case the question was of particular significance because my husband's affair was an emotional affair. There was no physical, sexual sin to speak of. In order to Biblically justify divorcing my husband I really had to go in search of loopholes in the Matthew text. If you'll remember, the Greek word Jesus used there was "porneia." Could emotional adultery be included in the broader context of this word? 


For a short time I found myself pouring over Greek lexicons, commentaries, and articles addressing this issue. It was a tough thing to sort out. But then one day, it was like a brick to the head! I thought, Why am I doing this?! 


The simple fact remained: God is a covenant-keeper. Am I to be like the world - looking for the loopholes, trying to circumvent the law (in this case God's Law)? Or am I to be like God - who keeps His "end of the deal," even when we don't? 


Now, let me bring us back to the present. Dear sister, does being like God sound scary and difficult? That's because it is! It's never easy to follow Christ and He never promised it would be. Listen to what our Lord says in Luke 9:23, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me."


In a word, we need to seek the heart of God in this matter. When we do, we really cannot come to any conclusion other than this: While sometimes divorce may be Biblical, it is NEVER desirable! The road to healing our marriage may be hard, but then, the high road always is.

Is There Any Hope?

Let me state emphatically that just as divorce is not desirable, neither is it inevitable. God is able to bring your adulterous husband to repentance; and wherever there is genuine repentance there is hope. At that point, if both spouses are willing to do the hard work of reconciliation, the marriage has a chance to survive as each one submits to the Lord.


Unfortunately though, there are many obstacles that either or both parties in this situation may face. I've been discussing some of them here these last few weeks. To recap, I've mentioned three "D"s - disillusionment, discouragement, and deception. If entertained they can keep us from moving forward in that process. Not only that, but if any of these are allowed to run their natural course it's entirely possible they may actually propel an individual to file for divorce, bringing the reconciliation and healing of that couple to a grinding halt. 


Oftentimes, the reason the struggle with these things gets out of hand is because they are carefully hidden from others. They are kept secret. This is why we really need other believers, and especially the accountability we get from those relationships. This reminds me of how sad it is to be acquainted with a Christian couple in a troubled marriage who "appeared" to finally be moving in the right direction when, all of a sudden, we hear that they're actually divorcing.


Sadly, I know of one such couple. They stayed together for over a year after the husband's infidelity was discovered. They seemed to be working on their marriage, but apparently there were some deep issues that were not really dealt with. However, I believe beyond that, that the real bottom line wasn't the issues, but that they lacked true commitment. Just remember, issues can be dealt with. Couples can learn to relate to each other in new ways. Old hurts can give way to renewed love. Yes, all this can happen because of God. 

"Looking at them, Jesus said, 'With people it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God.' " (Mark 10:27) 

So I submit that had this couple had the proper foundation of seeing their marriage as a covenant, their God as a covenant-keeping God, and their purpose as one of following His example, their story may have had a different outcome. And this brings me back full circle to the question I opened with: Does Scripture allow divorce in the case of adultery? I think we've seen that it does. At the same time, however, wouldn't it be just like the enemy of our soul to lead you or I, through the subtle power of deception, to forget that it's not God's best and we don't have to divorce? We do, in fact, have a choice; but so often Satan makes us think we don't!  


Friend, if you're facing your spouse's infidelity and thinking about divorce, please, proceed with much caution. Just because in your situation divorce may be Biblical, that does not make it desirable. I encourage you to seek God's heart in the matter. Also, be careful not to isolate yourself (when the enemy has the best opportunity of influencing you), but find a godly prayer partner, or several, who will keep confidences. Most important, be honest with them about your struggles and concerns. Keep in mind that Proverbs 11:14 says, "...but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety."


If you'd like to email me privately please feel free to contact me at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you! May the Lord send out His light and His truth to each one this week!