Of all the challenges I've faced since my husband's affair perhaps the hardest has been the issue of trust. Obviously I don't need to tell you that it's very hard to trust someone again after they've betrayed you. For me it's been a real journey these many months, but a surprisingly good one in a number of respects. First and foremost, as I think I've tried to communicate here, it has given me the chance to draw nearer to the Lord than ever before. This has truly been the result of God working "all things together for good" in this situation - and, I believe, a part of His overall plan.
Along the same lines it has also allowed me to let go of the tight grip I had on my marriage. Now, what do I mean by that you might be wondering? Let me just say that I'm no longer so dependent on my husband because my hope is not in him, but in the Lord. It's silly really, but before all this happened I think deep down I felt that I would somehow die without Aaron. That was completely inappropriate and sinful, as in essence I was putting my husband before the Lord.
At some point during my relearning to trust, however, I realized that even if I had lost my husband to another woman, I still would have been okay. God's Word tells me this: "My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26) Allow me the liberty to word it differently here and say that "my marriage may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Did you catch the last part of that verse? God is your "portion," forever! A portion may be defined as, "a share received by gift or inheritance." My sister in the Lord, God has given you the gift of Himself now and for always. Let me remind you that He will never leave you nor forsake you. These thoughts have brought me much comfort in the months of recovering from Aaron's affair.
With that, let me get to three things that I've learned about regaining trust that I think will help if you, or someone you know, is going through a similar time. Hopefully, the following tips will help you to remain on the right course with steadfastness and patience.
God's sovereignty is the key: Truly the only way to begin trusting a spouse who has cheated is to rest in the Father's love. Charlyne Steinkamp, in her book entitled, "Standing After the Prodigal Returns," says, "Some people inquire, 'How can you ever trust them again?' The answer to this question may sound unusual, but I trust my husband (again) by first trusting my Lord. Our marriage is not being restored by my efforts, nor by my husband. It is being restored by the Lord Jesus Christ." I will add that this is supported by a great verse of Scripture: "We have confidence in the Lord concerning you, that you are doing and will continue to do what we command." (2 Thessalonians 3:4) Anytime I've felt panicky or ill-at-ease in regards to my husband, I've tried to remember this verse. Oftentimes I also recited it aloud by saying, "Lord, I trust You. My confidence is in You concerning Aaron."
Does my spouse exhibit goodwill? Is he moving toward and/or growing in the things of God?: These two questions are helpful to ponder at times you find yourself being challenged with a trust issue. In many instances I've calmed my fears or doubts by simply putting off judgment until I've answered them, and then looking at the circumstance through that. If I can honestly answer in the affirmative to both of them, then for obvious reasons, the chances are my fears have no rational basis. This is so important to realize - I hope you'll get a hold of this - most of the fears we have are ungrounded, meaning they have no facts to ground, or support, them. More about this in a moment.
So the question is how do we decide if our husband has goodwill or is moving towards God? For me, dealing with the first question was somewhat easy. What I mean is that while my husband was involved in adultery he acted mean and was angry most of the time. He didn't want to spend time with the children or me, and conversation with him was terse. (As a note - this was also the experience of my friend, Meghan, whom I told you about in an earlier post.) Because of this, it wasn't difficult to notice that my husband's behavior changed markedly after ending the affair. When I think of this I am reminded of Acts 26:20 where Paul recounts to King Agrippa that he told people to "perform deeds that are consistent with... repentance." In Aaron's case he certainly did this, and continues to presently. Therefore he demonstrates to me on a consistent basis that he has goodwill toward me.
This leads me to an important piece of advice I'll share before I go on. It is really vital that you keep a journal during this time. Write down the things God is doing - first, in your spouse - and second, in your overall marriage. Record things said and done; answered prayer; and any other insights the Lord gives you. The reason for this, assuming that your husband has been showing goodwill (we will cover what to do if he hasn't in a moment), is that your journal will act as a shield against suspicions, doubts, and fears that Satan may bring your way in an attempt to thwart your marriage restoration. Remember I mentioned a minute ago that most of our fears are unsupported by the facts? Your journal will be the tool you can use to "check the facts." Remember - "Just the facts, ma'am." Meditating on them will often be all that's needed to overcome the extremes of our emotions.
Let me give a quick example from my own journal dated March 18, 2010:
"Aaron was really 'needy' of me yesterday as he was struggling with feeling like he had let Dave C. (a co-worker) down. He called me on his way home from work and said,' I need to talk to you.' Here I was thinking something big must have happened since we had just talked at lunchtime. However, what he really meant was that he needed me to talk to him some more about the Dave C. situation."
Can you see how rereading this would help me to see that my husband has goodwill toward me? He showed a need and desire for my advice. Looking over my journal and seeing that he has goodwill toward me helps me to believe the best about him; even when I'm tempted to doubt him or things "seem" suspicious.
Now, let's take a look at the second question: "Is he moving toward and/or growing in the things of God?" To help you discern the answer to this, let's consider two verses which I combined and prayed everyday while in the midst of the battle for my marriage:
The first thing listed is godly sorrow. Does my husband exhibit this? To begin we need a good definition of it. Let's start by noting that it is the opposite of what the Bible calls the "sorrow of the world" - which leads to death. For example, we may assume that this is the type of sorrow Judas Iscariot experienced: "Then when Judas, who had betrayed Him, saw that He had been condemned, he felt remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, saying, 'I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.' But they said, 'What is that to us? See to that yourself!' And he threw the pieces of silver into the temple sanctuary and departed; and he went away and hanged himself." (Matthew 27:3-5) Here we see he sorrowed (felt remorse), but sought no pardon. Oftentimes it's been said that worldy sorrow is only having regret for the consequences of one's sins; whereas godly sorrow seeks to be pardoned for one's sins. So, you and I may rightly ask - has my husband displayed a sincere desire to be pardoned for his offense, and further, does he seek to be reconciled?
Now, while I'm not going to go through every single item in these two verses, I will point out that the phrase "come to their senses" has definitely been one area that's played out in my own husband's life. Starting late last summer I watched as slowly, over the months, he began to demonstrate more and more spiritual sense. The passage that comes to mind as a word-picture of this is yet another one I turned into a prayer - Hosea 14:4-5: "I will heal their apostasy, I will love them freely, For My anger has turned away from them. I will be like the dew to Israel; He will blossom like the lily, And he will take root like the cedars of Lebanon." I think it's important to also point out that when you're looking for spiritual fruit, and applying that to whether you can trust your spouse again, you will need to have much patience. Like all fruit, spiritual fruit takes time to mature.
Here's yet another entry from my journal, dated March 23, that I absolutely cherish. It's such a wonderful reminder that it's the Lord whose at work in my husband, and in my marriage:
Before you panic, pray! Whenever you're tempted to do this, no matter how fishy or bad a situation appears to be, pray it through first. I've been amazed at how many times, especially in the beginning, I'd be suspicious and ready to accuse Aaron of something, when suddenly I'd remember this "rule." More often than not I discovered that when I followed it, the Lord would bring peace of mind and the thing I was worried about went away. As a general rule, it's best to keep quiet until we've quieted ourselves before God.
While not comprehensive, I hope these tips will encourage you on your way. Each person's journey is different, but I know that the Lord works in each. Next time we will get back to talking more about the critical role of prayer in healing our marriage. Additionally, we'll discover what the necessary "ingredients" are in making it effectual (James 5:16).
"Godly sorrow brings repentance..." (2 Corinthians 7:10)
"...God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will." (2 Timothy 2:25-26).
While we cannot know another person's heart, taking each verse and breaking it down can help us do our best to evaluate our husband's behavior.
The first thing listed is godly sorrow. Does my husband exhibit this? To begin we need a good definition of it. Let's start by noting that it is the opposite of what the Bible calls the "sorrow of the world" - which leads to death. For example, we may assume that this is the type of sorrow Judas Iscariot experienced: "Then when Judas, who had betrayed Him, saw that He had been condemned, he felt remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, saying, 'I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.' But they said, 'What is that to us? See to that yourself!' And he threw the pieces of silver into the temple sanctuary and departed; and he went away and hanged himself." (Matthew 27:3-5) Here we see he sorrowed (felt remorse), but sought no pardon. Oftentimes it's been said that worldy sorrow is only having regret for the consequences of one's sins; whereas godly sorrow seeks to be pardoned for one's sins. So, you and I may rightly ask - has my husband displayed a sincere desire to be pardoned for his offense, and further, does he seek to be reconciled?
Now, while I'm not going to go through every single item in these two verses, I will point out that the phrase "come to their senses" has definitely been one area that's played out in my own husband's life. Starting late last summer I watched as slowly, over the months, he began to demonstrate more and more spiritual sense. The passage that comes to mind as a word-picture of this is yet another one I turned into a prayer - Hosea 14:4-5: "I will heal their apostasy, I will love them freely, For My anger has turned away from them. I will be like the dew to Israel; He will blossom like the lily, And he will take root like the cedars of Lebanon." I think it's important to also point out that when you're looking for spiritual fruit, and applying that to whether you can trust your spouse again, you will need to have much patience. Like all fruit, spiritual fruit takes time to mature.
Here's yet another entry from my journal, dated March 23, that I absolutely cherish. It's such a wonderful reminder that it's the Lord whose at work in my husband, and in my marriage:
"With passage of the healthcare bill I've become more aware of Aaron's strengthening faith. Yesterday, when we were discussing the whole mess, I was more or less throwing up my hands in despair. Gently Aaron kept reminding me, though, that the Lord is in control, that it's just time to start really trusting Him, and that it's okay because these things are likely all a part of bringing prophecy to fulfillment."
However, suppose you're reading this and you don't see goodwill or spiritual growth in your husband? To be honest, what I would then suggest is that you pray and ask God to make anything that may be hidden come to light. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I don't want to give false hope either. You see, when a person is genuinely repentant and fears the Lord (which we know is the beginning of wisdom), he/she will begin to do, and be, what Ephesians 5:15 says, "be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise." However, in Biblical contrast to the wise person is the fool. Of this person God's Word says, "Like a dog that returns to its vomit is a fool who repeats his folly." (Proverbs 26:11) A man who is not acting wisely, ie, has not "come to (his) senses," is a fool according to the Bible, and thus cannot be trusted to refrain himself from repeating his folly.Before you panic, pray! Whenever you're tempted to do this, no matter how fishy or bad a situation appears to be, pray it through first. I've been amazed at how many times, especially in the beginning, I'd be suspicious and ready to accuse Aaron of something, when suddenly I'd remember this "rule." More often than not I discovered that when I followed it, the Lord would bring peace of mind and the thing I was worried about went away. As a general rule, it's best to keep quiet until we've quieted ourselves before God.
While not comprehensive, I hope these tips will encourage you on your way. Each person's journey is different, but I know that the Lord works in each. Next time we will get back to talking more about the critical role of prayer in healing our marriage. Additionally, we'll discover what the necessary "ingredients" are in making it effectual (James 5:16).
A bit of a "postscript" here. Let me give you a little hope if you're going through the aftermath of your spouse's affair and finding it difficult to trust again. A year ago I would never have thought I'd be where I'm at today in regards to this issue. I can honestly say that I'm just about at 100% regained trust. My husband has consistently proved himself, and I have worked through the challenge with the Lord's help. Friend, keeping looking up because God is in control, He's for your marriage, and He wants to restore trust.
Thanks for stopping by. Have a wonderful time tomorrow with friends and family. Above all, be thankful!
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