Anyway, in my first post regarding my husband's affair, I told you about how I learned that God never changes. That truth is so fundamental to whatever anyone may be going through, that it cannot be overstated. Meditate long and hard on His faithfulness and your spirit will soon be lifted up over your circumstances. "Trust in the LORD and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness." (Psalm 37:3) Interestingly, in the margin of my Bible, it says that the phrase "cultivate faithfulness" can be literally translated, "Feed on His faithfulness." Although I'm not familiar with the American Standard Version and know nothing about its accuracy, it actually does render that verse, "Trust in Jehovah, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness." Oh that we would get a hold of that! How wonderful to know that when we have no strength, when bitter trials and hurt seem to be our "food" - we can choose to feed on His faithfulness, which is always sweet!
In this article today I want to share some more good news with you. I'll tell you more of my story and hopefully give you some hope. As I stated before, when my husband, Aaron, started talking and acting in ways that were contrary to the Bible and to the lifestyle we were accustomed to living, I was alarmed. A deep fear and dread arose in me that I literally felt in the pit of my stomach. For about a week prior to having my suspicions confirmed, I was so sick-feeling that I could barely eat. Then one evening in June of last year, with both children gone to either a friend's house or work, I asked him, "Just where are you getting all this stuff?!?" Silence ensued for a moment. To me it felt like eternity while my heart beat loudly in my ears. Then he stopped eating, looked at me with what I can only describe as a wicked smile and said, "Do you really want to know?" Fear creeping over me, I managed a weak, "Yes."
However, now he hesitated and acted as if he wasn't sure if he wanted to tell me or not. In fact, he skirted around the issue the rest of the evening until I was so weary that I went to bed in despair - convinced that the issue was what I dreaded most. The next morning, while he was getting ready for work, I slipped into the bathroom to talk to him. That's when he finally told me that he had a "friend" he'd been talking to since April 27 (he knew the exact date!). He said she was opening his eyes to a whole new way of looking at things. Struggling to hold back the tears I asked if they got together to talk. He said they had gotten together once, but since we live in a small town, they had decided to just talk by cell phone and email. This certainly explained why he was going to the library all the time! I then told him that this was unacceptable to me but he replied that he had no intention of quitting. In fact, he said, he also was not going to tell me who she was because he didn't want me "causing a scene with her." I was so outraged and hurt. I now felt like I had been kicked in the stomach!
I crawled back in bed, not knowing what to do but feeling like nothing else in the world mattered. My anxious thoughts tumbled around in my mind, but the one I couldn't escape from was, "At the very least, my husband is having an emotional affair!" I had asked him if he'd been physical with her, but he denied it. This was no comfort, however, since I didn't feel I could trust a single word that came out of his mouth. In fact, I was sure he was down-playing it. What followed was a tearful morning of phone calls to our pastor and his wife Kathy, another close friend, and my mother.
I agreed to get together with Kathy later that day. In the meantime, with Aaron gone to work, I grabbed my Bible and turned to the Psalms - pleading with the Lord for a word of comfort from Him. God is so good! In response, He clearly led me to the Psalm 27. I was especially touched by verse 10, "For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me up." I substituted "husband" for "father" and "mother" and felt confident that God had indeed taken me up. He was holding me close, comforting me the way a father holds his daughter who has scraped her knee, or who has endured careless or hurtful words flung at her. In that beautiful moment God was just beginning to teach me how to trust Him in ways that I never had to before.
While I was spending time with the Lord that morning, my friend Rachel called. I shared with her what was going on and read Psalm 27 to her. Afterward she encouraged me to write it down in a journal, along with the date. While I had always kept a prayer journal, it was sort of "generic" - just one or two lines describing a prayer request. However, after that day I've kept her advice and my journal has become a personal memoir, an outpouring of my heart - pain and anguish, as well as incredible praise and answered prayer. If you're reading this because you're facing adultery, let me encourage you to also begin journaling. I think you will find it tremendously helpful.
A few heart-breaking weeks passed. The whole family was now involved. My husband's parents, as well as his sister, had all tried to talk him out of his sinful behavior. Instead of repenting, he actually told them that this new woman was pushing him for divorce and he was wondering if they would accept her into the family. Additionally, our pastor also had many talks with him. Nothing anyone said made any difference. He acted as a man addicted to a powerful "drug"; he would stop at nothing to have it. Sadly, although he had previously been very close with our daughter, he even told me during this time that he was "losing interest in her." Unfathomable! But that's what adultery, or any sin does. "Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." (James 1:15) Our family, our marriage - his relationships, his spiritual life, were dying a slow, painful death.
I wish I could go on but space and time constrain me. I'd love to tell you more so I could paint the full picture of just how bad it really got: Horrible betrayal of our son - with my grief-filled reaction being that I slapped my husband across the face for the first (and only) time in our marriage history, secret calls to divorce lawyers, many nights sleeping alone on the couch, spying on my husband and discovering who the other woman was, venomous words thrown in my face, and incredible lying and deceiving. Add to this that in two months' time, during which I completely lost my appetite, I shed 28 pounds from my small frame.
I said a moment ago that I wish I could tell you more of the details to demonstrate how desperate things became. That's because then I could show you even more just how BIG GOD IS. Oh how I praise Him for that! For me the turning point in the crisis came on a morning when I had already been up since before dawn praying and pleading with God. While I was praying the Lord kept bringing to my mind a picture of the book "Created to be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl sitting in the pile on my nightstand. I hadn't picked it up in over a year. I didn't want to now either! "Lord, I know what THAT book says," I prayed inwardly. "That's not going to help - it doesn't apply to me," I continued to reason. My argument made sense - to me anyway - since Debi Pearl means it when she writes that wives are to be helpmeets - period. Even to mean, unkind husbands. Despite what pop culture or anyone else may say, the sins of our men are not an excuse for us to neglect our God-given calling and duty as wives.
So as I sat there I grew frustrated and confused. Not a lot of people knew about our situation, but some well-meaning Christian friends told me that, at the very least, I should separate from Aaron. One couple even offered the children and me an apartment in their basement. Of course, that was a horribly depressing option and the thought of uprooting my kids tore me apart. I had even asked him to leave but he wouldn't do that either. I searched the Scriptures looking for verses to justify what I really wanted to do, but was afraid to - divorce him. After all, what choice did I really have? He kept on with her and I had had enough! I was humiliated. But on this particular morning I was tired. Not just physically tired, but emotionally and spiritually tired too.
"Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." (Psalm 46:10)
"Could God be speaking to me?" I wondered. He really seemed to be impressing on my heart that I needed to pick up that book. I went and grabbed it. When I held it on my lap it fell open to a letter the author had entitled "The Desperate Wife." Immediately it caught my attention. In the short letter to Mrs. Pearl, the woman detailed her husband's emotional affair and gave a heart-wrenching plea for wisdom. In many ways it could have been me who wrote it. Tears fell on the book as I began to sob and read Debi Pearl's beautiful, four-page response. In essence she told her to get off her self-righteous high horse and fight for her man. The words that literally jumped off the page for me were, "God is on your side. Fight and win." And a little further down where she stated, "God stands with you when you stand by your man, but you will stand alone if you insist on standing by your rights." A revelation came to me. God is on MY side! Not the other woman's. He's going to honor me and fight for me because He is for our marriage. "For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the LORD of hosts. "So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously." (Malachi 2:16)
Peace literally flooded over me. Now, after days and weeks of striving, agonizing over what to do, flip-flopping between this idea and that, I finally knew just what the Lord wanted me to do. "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4) Wasn't saving my marriage and restoring it what I really wanted?
I called one of my dearest friends, who was also my best prayer partner. When I told her what God had shown me she said that it was exactly what she had been thinking too. She rejoiced with me and pledged her support. In the months that followed I leaned on her an awful lot! The going did get pretty tough at times. But I kept my eyes on the Lord and didn't trust my own feelings - instead I chose to trust what the Word of God said. I also clung to the belief that Aaron and I were going to experience complete restoration.
An integral key to survival and fully experiencing God's grace during this time was that I continued to seek Him 2-3 hours daily. Part of that was taking a crash course in prayer! I read and practiced the things I learned in the classic book, With Christ in the School of Prayer: A 31-Day Course in Christian Prayer, with Note on George Muller
. In my next post I plan to highlight some of those things for you and give you practical ways to begin praying and taking a stand for your marriage. One challenge I had was learning to love my husband unconditionally. It was hard. I won't lie to you. It stretched me in ways I never had been before. Most days I had to remind myself that Christ's glory was central. Did I care more about my comfort, or bringing honor to Jesus? As for Aaron, he was pretty surprised when I began to repay him good for evil. "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21, emphasis mine) Did you catch that? Do you want the current evil in your life to be stopped dead in its tracks? Overcome it with good! The only way I made it was to rely on God's strength and refuse to allow Aaron's behavior to color mine. Finally, I held on to the promise, "And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not." (Galatians 6:9)
Bottom line is this: If you find yourself in similar circumstances, and want to save your marriage, BE THE ONE to start. Love unconditionally and begin to "stand in the gap." (Ezekiel 22:30) Don't wait for your husband to change or come to his senses because he may not without you winning him - "without a word." (1 Peter 3:1) Sincerely ask God to make you a "1 Peter 3 wife" and watch Him do it!
"God is on your side. Fight and win." - Debi Pearl, "Created to Be His Helpmeet"
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