Healing Your Marriage Through Forgiveness: Part 1

"For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment." James 2:13

I have to admit - writing these posts on forgiveness isn't easy. More specifically, the last week has forced me to do some real self-examination. Have I truly forgiven? Am I really free? As I go along then, I hope this series will be an opportunity to re-discover with you some of the principles of forgiveness I've learned, and see whether I'm still walking in them. I do know one thing for sure: overcoming unforgiveness is my choice because God's grace is always sufficient. I can either believe that in His death and resurrection He delivered me from not only the penalty of sin, but also the power of sin; or I can doubt and suffer defeat. Either way, I decide. Believing, and thereby choosing victory in this battle with unforgiveness, is also going to give my marriage the best shot. And I'd be willing to bet that since you're reading this, you want to give your marriage a chance too. Join with me then in hearing the heart of our Father, won't you?

The first thing I feel I need to share with you right now is that you're not alone. You are not alone if you struggle with unforgiveness; particularly if you're moving through the stages that follow marital unfaithfulness. Satan, our enemy, is a master at making you and me feel like we're the only one. His desire is to keep us from being real with others and able to receive the encouragement we need. But if we confess our struggle with unforgiveness to other godly women, it allows them to pray and share wise counsel with us. This was certainly true in my case. It wasn't until God miraculously brought the woman I told you about into my life that I was able to open up. I had felt ashamed of myself; too embarrassed to admit to anyone I was unforgiving. Talking and praying with her literally changed the course of my life, and I was finally able to begin moving forward in forgiveness.

Say, however, Satan is unable to convince you that you're the only one who can't seem to forgive. He may try another tactic. Instead, he may try to get you to believe that your thoughts, feelings, and issues are far worse or "more sinful" than most. That too, is a lie. That's why I want to reassure you that my negative feelings, perhaps like some you're experiencing, were extremely strong toward the other woman.

Okay, so it's time for total transparency: One thing I did was continuously refer to this woman, not by her name, but by the Biblical name "Jezebel." It was Jezebel who led the nation of Israel spiritually astray (1 Kings 16:31; 18:18; Rev. 2:20), and it seemed to me that this woman was also a Jezebel for leading my husband astray. Because of my near-constant anger toward her, I resorted to name-calling. If that were not enough, I'm ashamed to say that I also shouted vulgar things at my husband like, "If she would have just kept her slutty mouth shut we wouldn't be in this boat!" 


There was other really ugly stuff, but you get the idea. Now, while I did need to repent of behavior that is not Christ-like, I also know that I sinned because I am not yet perfect. Someday Jesus will complete the work begun in (me). Until then I'll submit to God by believing His Word which says that "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9) Furthermore, I'll also resist the lies of the enemy designed to make me feel isolated, or like I'm the only one. My hope is that you will be encouraged to do the same. So without further ado, let's move on to understanding what forgiveness is, and how we can begin taking steps to healing.

While I don't agree with everything that Focus on the Family publishes, one definition for forgiveness that really helped me define my ultimate goal was from an article by Ed Chinn. In essence, his definition was "Giving up all hope for a better past." That was just it! There was my "sticking point." As I read it over I recognized that I was still wishing that things could have been different; that the affair had never happened. I hadn't yet accepted that it had happened. 


Sadly, you and I cannot change the past no matter how much we'd like to. However, for me, working towards acceptance - a concrete goal - was tremendously helpful as I simultaneously continued to apply God's Word to my situation. The article, entitled Walking in Forgiveness, is on the Focus website and may be helpful to you. I recommend it even though there are a couple minor things I disagree with.

Having a useful definition for forgiveness can certainly aid us; but it's infinitely more important to study Scripture and shed the light of God's perspective on it. So like I did in the last post, I will go through five things that seem to sum up the Bible's teaching on the issue of forgiveness. Along the way I'll share some personal insights and ways you can apply His Word to your life. However, since I'm already getting long-winded, I think I'll have to break it up into two parts!

Forgiveness is God's will: I'm sure this is not a new revelation to you. But look with me if you will at a familiar verse. In Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus says, “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions." Interestingly He says this just after giving His disciples the model prayer; as if the Lord was reiterating a point He didn't want them to miss - forgive your enemies. He wanted them to understand that none of the other petitions in the prayer would mean anything if they did not forgive others. So it is with us; we short-circuit our spiritual life and our effectiveness in the kingdom when we harbor unforgiveness.

Just knowing this spurred me on to plead with God to help me. I didn't want to be disobedient, but I also knew how weak I was in the flesh. As I said in my last post, this is an area God can be glorified by our dependence on Him. "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me," the apostle Paul tells us in Philippians 4:13. I love what Matthew Henry's classic commentary says regarding this verse: "In a low state (we do not) lose our comfort in God, nor distrust His providence... Through Christ we have grace to do what is good, and through Him we must expect the reward." Do you believe that? I promise you - He will give you grace when you humbly seek Him. "But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble." (James 4:6) And He will also give you the reward of that - being enabled to forgive the one who offended you.

I do have a suggestion here. One spiritual discipline that will help you humble yourself before the Lord is to practice fasting. I hate to admit it, but prior to last summer fasting wasn't real high on my to-do list! I never really saw the necessity of it. But when faced with giants in my life, including adultery and unforgiveness, fasting became a way of truly clinging to God. It freed up precious time so that I could be in prayer longer; while at the same time helping me to deny the flesh and focus on the Spirit. "For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace." (Romans 8:6) If you've never fasted before, try doing it at just one meal - like breakfast - and soon I think you'll discover the wonderful benefits of it.


Hmm, I'm looking at the time and getting tired. It's past my bedtime. I would love to write more tonight but I think it'll have to wait. Please stay tuned for more though, won't you? Next time we'll cover the other four points and continue on our journey together.


Thanks for being here. I want you to know again that I'm praying for each and every one that visits Oil of His Grace. Keep looking to Jesus!


Father, please help each one reading this blog to fix their eyes on Jesus. I praise and thank You that according to Your Word in Isaiah 26:3 "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you."