What an Adulteress Knows (That Wives Need to Know)

Growing up did you ever get an 'F' on your report card? If you did, you probably remember the sting of humiliation that brought you. You received an 'F' because you failed that subject. While I never did get one of those dreaded grades, at least not on a report card, I have certainly failed at other things. 


For instance, I got a big, fat 'F' as a wife for the first 17 years of my marriage. You'd think I would have learned in that amount of time! Well, I didn't; but I'm a living testimony to the greatest teacher in the world today - our Lord Jesus Christ! When I finally sat at His feet and listened, He showed me how to be a good wife. But alas - I'm getting ahead of myself! First I'd like to tell you about the two things I failed to do and provide for my husband which eventually led us down the road to adultery. 

One Thing It's Not About

It is important, however, for me to stress something first so that we can hopefully eliminate at least one myth. A man who is unfaithful to his wife usually doesn't do so because the adulteress woman is drop-dead gorgeous. It's not as if he spots this beautiful woman whom his wife pales in comparison to, and so decides to pursue her. In fact, in many cases the opposite is true. Instead it's observed that the wife is actually more physically attractive than the mistress. While I want to be careful not to generalize too much, let me state that most of the time this comparison in looks is not a major factor in an unfaithful husband's thoughts or actions. My own husband told me that it didn't even cross his mind. As we'll see in a minute, it's not necessarily the adulteress's physical traits that attract a man, it's what she does and how she makes him feel.


Now, I don't want to beat a dead horse, but because they came to mind I'll give you a couple examples before we move on. So while I'm not really into following mainstream culture, I'm up on it enough to know that this phenomenon of the wife being more attractive than the mistress is common even in celebrity marriages. Two recent instances would be the affairs of Tiger Woods - whose wife is stunningly beautiful; and Jesse James, unfaithful to his wife, Sandra Bullock - who by comparison to her husband's mistresses, is a very classy lady indeed! 


So please, if your husband has been unfaithful and you're tempted to think it's because you're not as beautiful, remember these two examples. Just put that worry out of your mind! In fact, unless it was what society calls a "one-night stand," forget about physical attraction altogether. It truly is a small matter. I encourage you to soberly realize instead, dear sister, that adultery is usually much deeper than that. But there is an upside to that: We are born with our looks and other than losing weight or tweaking our appearance, we can only change so much. However, what we'll talk about in more detail later can absolutely transform us! It can affect every area of our hearts and life.


So let me start then by telling you that I've spent quite a bit of time studying who the adulteress woman is. I've looked at Scripture, as well as real-life, and noted some important things. In the last year I've had the chance to speak with different women whose husbands have been unfaithful, and I'm discovering that in each case their husbands' affair partner has a lot in common with the others. While this woman comes in every shape, size, color, and background, I think that we can draw some general conclusions about her. 


My purpose here in looking at these women is not so we may self-righteously exult ourselves. I've already admitted that I got an 'F' in Marriage 101. However, wouldn't you like to know why husbands can become attracted to them? If we could glean from this information, couldn't we also then help ourselves by first, learning from it, and second, applying what we've learned?

The Adulteress is a Failure, Too

Now, by the title of this section don't think for a moment that I mean she's a "loser." If you're in the beginning stages, or even in the midst of your spouse's adultery, it may be tempting to think of this woman in this light. Boy, don't I know it! I confess to you, dear sisters, that I had my share of unChrist-like thoughts toward the other woman for quite some time. However, as you experience the release of forgiveness, the desire to put her down will diminish along with a growing desire to see her through our Lord's eyes.

Perhaps you're wondering then what I mean by calling her a failure. Simply put, she's usually been around the block a few times, had her share of men, or however you want to say it - and it's not been pretty! While I stress again that to a degree I'm generalizing (but hopefully not stereotyping), there does seem to be this common thread among the "adversaries" of the wives I've talked to and have read about. This certainly was the case of the other woman in my marriage. Furthermore, it's not uncommon for adulteress women to be divorced, or in the process of going through a divorce. 


So then, enter your husband. He comes along and looks like a pretty stable guy. It could even be that she's known the two of you as a couple for some time and thinks it'd be pretty nice to have your life. In her mistaken notions, at least to some degree, she believes he's her knight in shining armor. She may or may not believe things would be different if she were with your husband, but she obviously is willing to give it a try. 


On the other hand, of course it's possible that none of the things I've mentioned are what motivate her. Having been hurt a number of times or presently in a painful relationship, she may just want to have the "pleasure" of ruining another person's good fortune. Sadly, this is just how some people think. A couple verses that demonstrate this are Proverbs 2:14, "(Those) Who delight in doing evil, And rejoice in the perversity of evil." And, "Doing wickedness is like sport to a fool." (Proverbs 10:23)  


However, the real bottom line is that whatever her motive (and there are literally millions possible) for going after a married guy, she's been a failure thus far. She would not have pursued your husband if this were not the case. Now, while it may seem like it, my intent here is not to thoroughly analyze the motives of an adulteress woman. I only wanted to briefly look at them so we could establish the fact that she has been a failure where long-term relationships are concerned. Building on that point then, we'll be able to see that while an overall failure, she actually does know something that you and I need to know. 


Before I get to her "secrets" though, I want to explain why I mentioned "long-term relationships" a moment ago. The reason is that because by contrast to her failure at lasting relationships, many adulteresses are expert at attracting men - at least for the short-term. I remember well having this very discussion with Aaron. It was early on in our marriage restoration when he told me that he had thought the other woman was pretty attractive when he first met her and "good" at attracting men. Without even thinking - though in retrospect I praise God that what I said was actually Biblical - I responded by blurting out angrily, "Well, of course she is! She's an adulteress!" 


So, what does this woman, the one the Bible calls the "evil woman," know? There are just two things really, so let's jump in and take a look at them now.

Admiration vs. Flattery

"To deliver you from the strange woman,

From the adulteress who flatters with her words." Proverbs 2:16

"For the lips of an adulteress drip honey

         And smoother than oil is her speech..." Proverbs 5:3

"To keep you from the evil woman,

         From the smooth tongue of the adulteress." Proverbs 6:24

These three verses spell it out in plain English for us - adulteress women are flatterers. One dictionary defined 'flatter' like this:) 1. To compliment excessively and often insincerely, especially in order to win favor; 2. To please or gratify the vanity of.  I'd like to zero in on something with you. It's the word 'insincerely,' used in the first definition. An adulteress does not truly admire or respect your husband or mine, but she will insincerely say flattering things to gain an advantage or "win favor" as it says. And over whom does she wish to gain an advantage? That's right - you and me. She's out to win the fight over this man. (And what could be more flattering to him than that?!) In summary then, here is the adulteress' first secret: She is an opportunist, aware of when a man lacks genuine admiration from his wife. Since she is not his wife, she can only give him a counterfeit of the real thing - what we call "flattery."

They say "Flattery will get you nowhere;" but the adulteress doesn't believe that for a moment! To her flattery does get her somewhere. Look again at Proverbs 5:3. It describes  with vivid word-pictures the way she entices a man: Lips that drip with "honey" and speech that's smoother than "oil." In ancient times, when Solomon penned these words, honey and oil were both valuable and desirable. But Solomon goes so far to say that her words are actually smoother than oil! It's as if he was saying that as valuable and desirable as oil is, her words are even better than this. (It's funny, but to my contemporary way of thinking I can't help but think she's also "slick" like oil - as in used-car salesman "slick.") 


Basically what we really need to understand is that an adulteress's speech sounds and feels good to a man deprived of genuine admiration in his marriage. It appeals to his flesh. But more than that, too. It appeals to a good side of his nature as well; the side of man that needs his wife to provide him with the respect that God Himself created him to need. Therefore, when such holy reverence is lacking, he becomes open to the evil flattery of a harlot.


Unfortunately most wives just don't realize all this. Like me for so long, they go about trying to change their husband, nagging, and criticizing; and ultimately they forget that they're not supposed to be head over their man. Instead, God placed the husband over the wife. When a wife usurps her husband's authority, there's a price to be paid!

"But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ." 1 Corinthians 11:3

Wives who have stepped outside their role also naturally fail to express acceptance, appreciation, and open admiration for their husbands as they should. Instead, the man in this situation feels like his wife holds him in contempt. You see, he takes things at face value. If she's always trying to change him and reminding him of his failures, then she must not like him for who he is. And really, you can't blame a guy for feeling this way! 


Now, whereas a wife holds within her power the ability to tremendously bless her husband and feed his soul with everything that is true and beautiful in God's sight; the adulteress, in the absence of this, has the ability to seduce someone's husband through her fake and insincere flattery. She offers him a counterfeit - and if he's hungry enough he'll fall for it. I believe such women seem to know this almost instinctively. It's as if their antennae are up, and they can spot a respect-starved man a mile away. They've learned to study men and have figured out that flattery is just the thing that will get them what they want.


I don't know much about the late writer and humorist Helen Rowland, but I think this quote by her contains a lot of wisdom: "A woman's flattery may inflate a man's head a little; but her criticism goes straight to his heart, and contracts it so that it can never again hold quite as much love for her." Oh boy - if that isn't a warning to us wives! Remember, the adulteress needs only to flatter a husband who's craving admiration and she'll have short-term success; giving this man just what he needs to develop an "addiction" to her and a schoolboy crush. That's why these types of relationships are so exciting to a cheating spouse and make him act like a thirteen year old boy rather than a grown man! Meanwhile, the unknowing wife, who continues in her ways, is making his heart become harder and harder toward her and his love wane or even cease to exist.


I know we'd like to think that even if we do criticize him or fail to admire him, he still doesn't have an excuse! And that's true, he doesn't. However, while we're on quotes I have another one for you to consider. This time it's by Debi Pearl from her book Created to be His Help Meet. Listen to what she says: "When a woman does not provide for her husband a comfortable nest and a reverent attitude, she has to rely on his goodness to 'keep him' faithful. She is a fool to expect him to be a good husband when she is not being the help meet God has created her to be. A man coming home to a tense or messy home, lousy meals, and a wife who is critical, might not have the 'goodness' to remain faithful if a sweet young woman at work seeks to pull him away with the promise (illusion) of a more fulfilling comfort zone."


Dear sister, could the truth be any clearer? We as wives have got to stop waiting for our husbands to somehow "earn" our respect! This idea of "Respect is something you earn" is from the world - not from the Lord! Instead, His Word tells us, "Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33) Remember - the Apostle Paul, who was writing in the wisdom of God, attached no conditions to these commands.


Therefore, just as our husbands are commanded to love us unconditionally - so we also are to respect them unconditionally. So your husband may be a first-class jerk, but you know what? God still calls you to respect him. He still calls you to die to yourself and meet his needs anyway. This is the truth I had to learn the hard way, as have countless other wives. I know some of you might say, "But how can I do this?! You don't know how awful he is!" You're right, I don't know nor will I ever. But one thing I do know and that's how incredibly AWESOME God is! Because of this, I also I know that you can respect your husband when you do it as unto the Lord! Let the reverence you show your husband be a direct manifestation of your reverence for God.


On the other hand, maybe your spouse isn't so bad. Maybe you've got a sound marriage. Or perhaps you would describe your marriage this way, but your husband would not. In the last year I've discovered that it's very common for a wife to feel everything is fine in her marriage and, without his wife's knowledge, the husband to feel the opposite. The reason for this may be that many times a woman is so taken up with the children and her own life (a real danger in homeschool families), that the husband is left feeling neglected or as if he's no longer number one. He longs to be his wife's hero, but instead ends up feeling more like a "zero!"  


I hope you're not doing this, dear sister. I hope your marriage is truly good, and your husband satisfied. However, if you're not so sure and there's a little doubt there, would you allow me to ask you a pointed question or two? Here they are: Have you given your husband any "soul food" lately? Have you taken care to intentionally safe-guard your marriage through the ministry of sincere acceptance (not trying to change him), appreciation, and especially ADMIRATION of your husband?


So how did you rate on these two questions? If you're not sure, you can always pray. Be assured that God wants to give you success as a wife and will identify for you any areas of shortcoming. In future posts we'll be exploring ways to respect our husbands that I believe will be both fun and exciting. We'll discover that it's not an impossible task, but something we can do one day and one step at a time.

God's Secret Weapon for Wives

Oh how I'd love to shout this message from the rooftops! Friend, it works! Respect really, really works and  has the power of God to change your man from a lying, cheating, and sneaking husband to one whose desire is to please God. I have seen it happen in my own husband's life, as well as in others I've recently met or have read about. Do you know why I said that it's the "power of God?" It's because this idea is not mine. Rather, it comes straight to us from the Bible and is His little secret weapon for wives:

"In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior."  1 Peter 3:1-2

I hope you'll grab a hold of this. The adulteress has just two things in her "arsenal." The first one, which we've been discussing, is flattery. We've read about it in the verses from Proverbs above. I've seen it play out in real life. In my own marriage, this is the way the other woman "lured" my husband in. She planned for when she'd see him again and then flattered him about his job. 

But we've also learned that we have a "missile defense shield."  We don't have to stand by just hoping and trusting in our husband's inherent goodness. We can keep him close to home and close to our heart through our own weapon - our respect. It is more powerful than we'll ever know. Aaron confirmed this recently when he remarked, "I really have a good wife now. You do so much for me. I have everything a man could want and more!"

The Second "Secret"

As much as I'd like to continue with this, I realize that this post is getting lengthy. However, before I conclude I'll give you a taste of the next post, which happens to be the second thing the adulteress knows. It is the power of femininity. But wait! We'll also discover that this, too, is only an illusion - a counterfeit. For she is anything but truly feminine. She is limited and only offers a man what I'm choosing to call "false femininity." This sort of person, the kind who wishes to ensnare a married man, resorts to using her best "feminine wiles." It's literally all she's got and goes only skin-deep.

Dear sister in the Lord - this is where we have a tremendous advantage! By contrast, we can exemplify Biblical femininity that is both true and enduring. It's beauty will not fade away. However, do we truly understand what Biblical femininity is? I thought I did - but I fell far short of the ideal. In fact, I still do; but I'm learning and relying on God's grace! 


Therefore, next time here on Oil of His Grace I'll be comparing these two very different things: true femininity versus false femininity. In addition, we'll see how today's world defines femininity very differently from the Word of God, and how it promotes that lie.

I'm really looking forward to it. I hope together we'll discover that being truly feminine is both a joy and a challenge. A good challenge though! And one that will really enhance our marriages.

Please, I invite your comments here so don't be shy! Or, if you prefer to speak to me privately, you may contact me by email at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. See you next time and until then, "May the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely..." (1 Thessalonians 5:23)