Hi to all my friends and readers! I apologize for being "tardy" in writing the follow-up post to my last one. It is in the works and will be done soon. Unfortunately, this is truly the season to be busy for me. There's Christmas coming up and all that that entails; but there's also this new "season" in my personal life. If any of you have had a prodigal adult child you will be able to relate. It is extremely draining in every way: spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and even physically. That's why it's been hard to find the time to write. Something else always seems to take priority. Therefore, I do very much appreciate your patience and your prayers!
Briefly today I'd like to issue a challenge that may be timely for some. It certainly is for me! Anyway, what I propose is since we just finished a time of Thanksgiving, we now continue it by being thankful for our husbands. What this means practically is that I'd like you to consider going two weeks without complaining about your husband. This includes either complaining to him about what he has or hasn't done lately; or complaining about him behind his back to friends or family members.
But I don't want to stop there. The second part of my challenge is two-fold: 1) Every day, for the next two weeks, greet him sweetly when he comes home. Don't engage him in conversation the minute he walks in. He needs time to "change hats" and unwind. Instead just briefly show him how glad you are to see him. Then walk away. 2) Find a way to daily show respect to him in one of the three areas I will be expounding on in the weeks to come. These are acceptance, admiration, and appreciation. Don't worry if you don't know what these "look like" or how to show them. I'm going to give you some brief examples that should help you come up with ideas of your own.
Acceptance: This one may be more of a challenge than the other two because it involves the grace of overlooking. An example of this from my own life is when I don't feel like going jogging with my husband and I really wish he wouldn't go either! I'd rather he just stay home with me. However, I can show acceptance of him, as well as submission, by letting him go without complaint or comment. When he returns I have trained myself to cheerfully say, "Did you have a nice jog, honey?" Sometimes I even get a big, sweaty hug when I ask this - especially if he guessed that I would rather have had him stay home. Because I showed acceptance, instead of nagging or disapproval, I am rewarded. Our marriage is built up rather than torn down.
I challenge you to look for ways to be accepting in the next two weeks. However, let me add that with all three of these areas I also encourage you with something else I've already mentioned: Do or say whatever you intend, then walk away. Don't have expectations. Unless he grabs you for a hug or initiates further conversation, just walk away. Nine out of ten times he will be left looking after you and thinking, "Wow!" Your behavior may even spark fascination in him toward you.
But, be also warned. If your relationship has been cool or even cold for some time you may not see immediate results. In fact, it's even possible for you to receive a sarcastic comeback after expressing your acceptance. If that happens, shake it off! Remember the Proverbs 31 woman is a woman of dignity. (Proverbs 31:25) You could even choose to turn around and smile sweetly at him as you walk away.
Admiration: Sticking with the jogging theme I will tell you that I like to comment on how much endurance my husband has. After all, jogging six miles straight deserves some recognition, doesn't it?! I think it does so I'll say, "My, oh my - you sure are strong and have endurance!" Now I can say this because when I go with him I'm always starting and stopping the whole time - running, walking, then running again. But Aaron runs the entire way! And I really do admire him for it. Plus, when I tell him that he's strong I'm affirming that I think he's a real man.
Men love to be admired for their manhood. Squeeze your husband's muscle and look impressed. Say, "Ooh, strong!" You get the idea. Go for it! But remember - say it then walk away. Don't wait for a return compliment.
Appreciation: This one is fun. Although appreciation is so much more - we'll be getting into this later - you can start these next two weeks by simply saying "thanks."
"Thank you, honey, for picking up milk on your way home. I really needed it for supper tonight."
"Thanks for putting the dishes away. I appreciate it."
Or, on a deeper note, maybe it's been a long time since you've said, "I want you to know how thankful I am for how you provide for our family."
Saying these sort of things just lets him know that you appreciate him and don't take him for granted. If you try I'm sure you'll find many things you can thank him for. See him through new "eyes" these next couple weeks and you'll be surprised at what you've been missing!
So, is the challenge clear? Is it something you can do? With the Lord the answer to the second question is a resounding YES! Therefore, in a nutshell here it is again: Two weeks of no complaining about your husband. (Seriously, if you must complain - take it to God in prayer.)
Secondly, daily look for a way to show your husband respect in one of three ways: acceptance, admiration, or appreciation. Mix it up and be creative! Live intentionally for the next two weeks, but keep your expectations low. Above all, pray by asking God to give you insight into your husband so that you may bless him.
Please let me know if you decide to take this challenge. And if you do, when you're through will you consider sharing with others here how it went for you? We can all benefit from the encouragement of other sisters in the Lord!
Any other comments or suggestions are also welcome. I hope each of you has a good and Godly week!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Does Your Husband Need to Change? Wives, God is More Able Than You!
Okay, so maybe I'm stepping on some toes with the title of this post! Sorry, but I've got to be honest - some of us are trying to change our husbands and shouldn't be. How do I know this? Because I've been guilty of it, too! So let me ask a blunt question. How's that working out for you? Does your husband respond well to your criticism or complaints? How about your "helpful suggestions" or "loving correction?" If I had to guess I would bet that he responds like mine - not too well!
Since I'm assuming that most of my audience are Christians, I'll begin with a couple verses that might be commonly used as objections to a wife "keeping quiet." The first one I'm thinking of is the verse that says we are to "speak the truth in love..." (Ephesians 4:15). Many have quoted this verse to support the idea of mutual accountability. Others go further by adding Ephesians 5:21, "And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ." I hope to show you, however, that a closer look at these verses puts them both into context for us.
First, in Ephesians 4, we see from the passage surrounding verse 15 that Paul is speaking of the church attaining to "the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man," etc. He is desiring that the teaching of true doctrine continue so that these things will happen and believers will not be "tossed here and there by waves."
In verses 11-12 Paul tells us whom was to carry out this teaching and the desired result of such teaching - that each member of the body become equipped for service and also able, as we've read in verse 15, to "speak the truth" (sound doctrine) with one another: "And He gave some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ." (Ephesians 4:11-12)
Paul meant for these men of God, called to serve in the various offices of the church, to exercise the gift of teaching the truth so that the congregation would be enabled to encourage one another in these truths. The leaders' teaching was to be repeated among all believers so that none would become as children -tossed around, believing every new wind of doctrine and being led astray. "As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming." (Verse 14)
It must be concluded that nowhere in this passage do we see any connection to, or encouragement of, wives admonishing husbands. We must be careful not to add that in! Please don't read into this passage what would be entirely contrary to Scripture that so clearly tells us of the quiet attitude that God intends us wives to have. (See 1 Peter 3:1-4) Therefore, let me be emphatic: Ephesians 4:15 does not give any one of us license to hold our husband to account, keep him in line, or straighten him out!
Secondly, we have Ephesians 5:21. At first glance this verse looks like what many women hope for - a way of "equalizing" things a bit. Again, let's look at it in context. In this passage, beginning with verse 15, Paul tells us how believers are to encourage one another. In verse 21 he ends it summarily by saying that we are to submit to one another. However, he doesn't leave it to chance that we would misunderstand him. He wants us to understand the order of things. In the very next breath, by way of explanation, he tells us what that submission is to look like:
"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself." (Ephesians 5:22-28)
Since I'm assuming that most of my audience are Christians, I'll begin with a couple verses that might be commonly used as objections to a wife "keeping quiet." The first one I'm thinking of is the verse that says we are to "speak the truth in love..." (Ephesians 4:15). Many have quoted this verse to support the idea of mutual accountability. Others go further by adding Ephesians 5:21, "And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ." I hope to show you, however, that a closer look at these verses puts them both into context for us.
First, in Ephesians 4, we see from the passage surrounding verse 15 that Paul is speaking of the church attaining to "the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man," etc. He is desiring that the teaching of true doctrine continue so that these things will happen and believers will not be "tossed here and there by waves."
In verses 11-12 Paul tells us whom was to carry out this teaching and the desired result of such teaching - that each member of the body become equipped for service and also able, as we've read in verse 15, to "speak the truth" (sound doctrine) with one another: "And He gave some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ." (Ephesians 4:11-12)
Paul meant for these men of God, called to serve in the various offices of the church, to exercise the gift of teaching the truth so that the congregation would be enabled to encourage one another in these truths. The leaders' teaching was to be repeated among all believers so that none would become as children -tossed around, believing every new wind of doctrine and being led astray. "As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming." (Verse 14)
It must be concluded that nowhere in this passage do we see any connection to, or encouragement of, wives admonishing husbands. We must be careful not to add that in! Please don't read into this passage what would be entirely contrary to Scripture that so clearly tells us of the quiet attitude that God intends us wives to have. (See 1 Peter 3:1-4) Therefore, let me be emphatic: Ephesians 4:15 does not give any one of us license to hold our husband to account, keep him in line, or straighten him out!
Secondly, we have Ephesians 5:21. At first glance this verse looks like what many women hope for - a way of "equalizing" things a bit. Again, let's look at it in context. In this passage, beginning with verse 15, Paul tells us how believers are to encourage one another. In verse 21 he ends it summarily by saying that we are to submit to one another. However, he doesn't leave it to chance that we would misunderstand him. He wants us to understand the order of things. In the very next breath, by way of explanation, he tells us what that submission is to look like:
"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself." (Ephesians 5:22-28)
Do you see? Your submission, dear wife, and your husband's "submission" are lived out in different ways. Both are distinct and important in building each other up.
Now that we hopefully have cleared that up, let's move on to what trying to change your husband will do - and, in the next post (hopefully soon), what you can do instead!
Wanting Him to Change Equals Discontent
Here's the point I want to make from the outset: Your attempts at changing your husband equals discontent. I don't care how you or I try to justify this, it just does! It doesn't matter that you think you're trying to "help him;" or whether you actually know that you just want him to different - both are manifestations of a discontent spirit.
So what does this mean for us when we find ourselves in this boat? What does it do? I want to look at that now; for I believe the result is that it hurts our two most important relationships:
1) With God - The discontent we demonstrate by trying to get our husbands to change is actually evidence of a deeper problem. That problem is unbelief. And so we must ask - what warning does the Scripture give concerning this? For the answer let's look at Hebrews 3:12, "Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God."
About this verse Barnes' Notes on the Bible says: "The word 'unbelief' is used to qualify the word 'heart,' by a Hebraism - a mode of speech that is common in the New Testament. An unbelieving heart was the cause of their (the Israelites') apostasy, and what worked their ruin will produce ours. The root of their evil was 'a want of confidence in God' - and this is what is meant here by a heart of unbelief. The great difficulty on earth everywhere is a 'want of confidence in God' - and this has produced all the ills that man has ever suffered. It led to the first apostasy; and it has led to every other apostasy - and will continue to produce the same effects to the end of the world."
So you see, the discontent you or I feel toward our husband, and the subsequent desire for "helping" them to change, really stems from what Albert Barnes here referred to as "a want of confidence in God." When we step into the place of correcting, admonishing, or more subtly, of dropping hints, we have moved from entrusting our husband to God - to trusting in ourselves. In the former we (rightfully) give the care of our husband over to God; in the latter we rely on ourselves to look after him.
And, it must be added, if we do end up doing the latter, we will inevitably begin the process of what the writer of Hebrews warned us about. If you don't remember, look back at the verse above to see what he said about unbelief. Do you see it? It will lead us to "fall away." Those are strong words, my friends! Now, I don't think any of us who call ourselves Christians really intend to do this. We don't mean to be controlling and trusting in ourselves; we don't mean to be unbelieving and endangering of our spiritual lives. Unfortunately, however, that is exactly the risk we take when we operate outside God's "guidelines" for the behavior of wives. Slowly, sometimes imperceptibly, through the subtleness of this sin, we harden our hearts through unbelief.
Of course the end result of this is that it will greatly hurt our relationship with the Lord. And do you know what He will do in relation to this? Look with me at another verse from Hebrews: "For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” (Hebrews 12:6) So, my friend, I beg you to save yourself much pain and grief - please reconsider your course if you find yourself doing any of the following:
1. Telling your husband how he ought to change
2. Pointing out his faults (I will share a better way to deal with this in the next post.)
3. Belittling him and/or his opinions
4. Manipulating situations meant for his "instruction." Things such as bringing home movies with a message you think he needs to hear; arranging beforehand for a person to bring up a certain subject in your husband's presence; or leaving books, pamphlets, or articles opened up where your husband will see and (hopefully) read them. (Okay - guilty here!!)
5. Questioning "why" he does things with the implication that his choice is wrong
6. Pressuring him to do things your way
There are countless other ways you and I try to change our husbands but, again, all these things will surely lead us away from God. Instead they will increasingly move us toward further unbelief and ultimately toward idolatry of ourselves as we attempt to sit on the throne - the throne meant for God alone! Dear sister - if you find yourself in this place today - again I implore you to quickly repent and trust God instead.
2) With Your Husband - Your marriage over time will suffer as you try to change your husband. In fact, I'm not trying to scare you but quite a few women I've talked to whose husbands have had affairs said that, before the affair happened, they always felt like their husband needed to change or "shape up." Now, when a wife is feeling that way it's very hard not to act on it for what we think in our hearts becomes known in our words and actions. Jesus said it this way: "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." (Matthew 12:34) So you see, if we continually entertain thoughts about our husband's need to change, of his "deficiencies," we will end up waging a war of words against him...I know because I, too, was one of those wives.
Most important in your relationship with your husband is how he will interpret your discontent with him. Two ways come to mind:
1) He will feel that you disdain him. This feeling will be strong if you are very persistent in your efforts at changing him. He may become tempted to "look elsewhere" for reassurances. This is why the Bible tells us that the adulteress woman is a flatterer. She knows the need of man to have someone admire him and at least appear to respect him.
2) He will perceive your discontent as disrespect. To a man this is HUGE! In the book For Women Only - What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by author Shaunti Feldhahn, she tells of the survey (and extensive interviews) she conducted of hundreds of men. One question on the survey was eye-opening to her. It read, "Think about what these two negative experiences would be like: to feel alone and unloved in the world OR to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone. If you were forced to choose one, which would you prefer?" Overwhelmingly - three out of four men (74%) - said they would choose "alone and unloved;" while just 26% said "inadequate and disrespected."
You see then, respect is as essential to a man as love is to a woman. Respect is simply not to be overlooked by God-fearing wives! The subject of respect, in fact, is the very reason I am writing these posts. I want to help wives understand what respecting their husbands "looks like" and how to live that out (see the poll on the sidebar for a glimpse of how many readers here feel they need insight into this). I truly believe these teachings will help build marriages and make happier and more contented wives, too.
Additionally, we should consider how your husband may respond to feeling your disdain and disrespect. We've already briefly looked at one possibility. Of course, not every husband who feels disrespected is going to choose adultery; but still, you may be sure that he will respond in some way. More often than not he will begin to build a wall which Helen Andelin in Fascinating Womanhood calls "his reserve."
Basically, a man's wall of reserve is his attempt to protect himself from the pain of humiliation. He may appear to his wife to be closed up, unwilling to talk, or just plain distant. Additionally, a husband may respond by having cooled feelings toward his wife. When she openly suggests he needs to improve he may reject her altogether. Obviously, any of these responses are hurtful and harmful to both partners in the marriage.
Let me conclude, therefore, with a confession. I certainly have my own struggle in this area. It's not so much that I think negatively about my husband (like I used to do); rather it's that I read, see, or hear things that I feel sure would "help" him! (Just a little bit of pride here!) I recently told a friend that it's not God's strength to do something that I'm praying for; it's His strength to not do something that I need - namely, to keep from saying things!
If you can believe it, just now as I was sitting here writing this post, my dear husband called and told me that he isn't going somewhere tonight I really hoped he would. I thought it would be spiritually encouraging to him. So, guess what I did? I reminded myself that I'm a new "me" and sweetly replied, "Whatever you want to do, honey." Now, was that easy? NO! I wanted to tell him that I thought he should go. But I know that would have only brought discord. Totally not worth it!
So friend, if you've stuck with me this far and you're finding that you need (like me) to guard yourself against this common tendency in wives of pressuring their husbands to change, I ask you to stay tuned in to this blog. Next time I'll help you to discover godly ways that will encourage your husband to change. All without you ever saying a word of disrespect - or stepping outside your God-given role as helpmate!
If I can be of any assistance to you at all, or if you need to speak with me privately, please feel free to contact me by email at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. May all of you go in peace this week!
And, it must be added, if we do end up doing the latter, we will inevitably begin the process of what the writer of Hebrews warned us about. If you don't remember, look back at the verse above to see what he said about unbelief. Do you see it? It will lead us to "fall away." Those are strong words, my friends! Now, I don't think any of us who call ourselves Christians really intend to do this. We don't mean to be controlling and trusting in ourselves; we don't mean to be unbelieving and endangering of our spiritual lives. Unfortunately, however, that is exactly the risk we take when we operate outside God's "guidelines" for the behavior of wives. Slowly, sometimes imperceptibly, through the subtleness of this sin, we harden our hearts through unbelief.
Of course the end result of this is that it will greatly hurt our relationship with the Lord. And do you know what He will do in relation to this? Look with me at another verse from Hebrews: "For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” (Hebrews 12:6) So, my friend, I beg you to save yourself much pain and grief - please reconsider your course if you find yourself doing any of the following:
1. Telling your husband how he ought to change
2. Pointing out his faults (I will share a better way to deal with this in the next post.)
3. Belittling him and/or his opinions
4. Manipulating situations meant for his "instruction." Things such as bringing home movies with a message you think he needs to hear; arranging beforehand for a person to bring up a certain subject in your husband's presence; or leaving books, pamphlets, or articles opened up where your husband will see and (hopefully) read them. (Okay - guilty here!!)
5. Questioning "why" he does things with the implication that his choice is wrong
6. Pressuring him to do things your way
There are countless other ways you and I try to change our husbands but, again, all these things will surely lead us away from God. Instead they will increasingly move us toward further unbelief and ultimately toward idolatry of ourselves as we attempt to sit on the throne - the throne meant for God alone! Dear sister - if you find yourself in this place today - again I implore you to quickly repent and trust God instead.
2) With Your Husband - Your marriage over time will suffer as you try to change your husband. In fact, I'm not trying to scare you but quite a few women I've talked to whose husbands have had affairs said that, before the affair happened, they always felt like their husband needed to change or "shape up." Now, when a wife is feeling that way it's very hard not to act on it for what we think in our hearts becomes known in our words and actions. Jesus said it this way: "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." (Matthew 12:34) So you see, if we continually entertain thoughts about our husband's need to change, of his "deficiencies," we will end up waging a war of words against him...I know because I, too, was one of those wives.
Most important in your relationship with your husband is how he will interpret your discontent with him. Two ways come to mind:
1) He will feel that you disdain him. This feeling will be strong if you are very persistent in your efforts at changing him. He may become tempted to "look elsewhere" for reassurances. This is why the Bible tells us that the adulteress woman is a flatterer. She knows the need of man to have someone admire him and at least appear to respect him.
2) He will perceive your discontent as disrespect. To a man this is HUGE! In the book For Women Only - What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by author Shaunti Feldhahn, she tells of the survey (and extensive interviews) she conducted of hundreds of men. One question on the survey was eye-opening to her. It read, "Think about what these two negative experiences would be like: to feel alone and unloved in the world OR to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone. If you were forced to choose one, which would you prefer?" Overwhelmingly - three out of four men (74%) - said they would choose "alone and unloved;" while just 26% said "inadequate and disrespected."
You see then, respect is as essential to a man as love is to a woman. Respect is simply not to be overlooked by God-fearing wives! The subject of respect, in fact, is the very reason I am writing these posts. I want to help wives understand what respecting their husbands "looks like" and how to live that out (see the poll on the sidebar for a glimpse of how many readers here feel they need insight into this). I truly believe these teachings will help build marriages and make happier and more contented wives, too.
Additionally, we should consider how your husband may respond to feeling your disdain and disrespect. We've already briefly looked at one possibility. Of course, not every husband who feels disrespected is going to choose adultery; but still, you may be sure that he will respond in some way. More often than not he will begin to build a wall which Helen Andelin in Fascinating Womanhood calls "his reserve."
Basically, a man's wall of reserve is his attempt to protect himself from the pain of humiliation. He may appear to his wife to be closed up, unwilling to talk, or just plain distant. Additionally, a husband may respond by having cooled feelings toward his wife. When she openly suggests he needs to improve he may reject her altogether. Obviously, any of these responses are hurtful and harmful to both partners in the marriage.
Let me conclude, therefore, with a confession. I certainly have my own struggle in this area. It's not so much that I think negatively about my husband (like I used to do); rather it's that I read, see, or hear things that I feel sure would "help" him! (Just a little bit of pride here!) I recently told a friend that it's not God's strength to do something that I'm praying for; it's His strength to not do something that I need - namely, to keep from saying things!
If you can believe it, just now as I was sitting here writing this post, my dear husband called and told me that he isn't going somewhere tonight I really hoped he would. I thought it would be spiritually encouraging to him. So, guess what I did? I reminded myself that I'm a new "me" and sweetly replied, "Whatever you want to do, honey." Now, was that easy? NO! I wanted to tell him that I thought he should go. But I know that would have only brought discord. Totally not worth it!
So friend, if you've stuck with me this far and you're finding that you need (like me) to guard yourself against this common tendency in wives of pressuring their husbands to change, I ask you to stay tuned in to this blog. Next time I'll help you to discover godly ways that will encourage your husband to change. All without you ever saying a word of disrespect - or stepping outside your God-given role as helpmate!
If I can be of any assistance to you at all, or if you need to speak with me privately, please feel free to contact me by email at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. May all of you go in peace this week!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Examples of Fascinating Women from Literature
Since reading the classic book Fascinating Womanhood I find myself examining other literature for women who embody the essence of a fascinating woman. In her book author Helen Andelin describes two sides of the ideal women from a man's point of view; what she calls the "Angelic Qualities" and the "Human Qualities."
The first half of Fascinating Womanhood deals with the Angelic qualities of a woman, particularly focusing on understanding men and their needs. Among these needs are the need for acceptance, appreciation, and admiration - things which I believe coincide beautifully with the mandate of Scripture that tells wives they must respect their husbands:
"Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33)
The first half of Fascinating Womanhood deals with the Angelic qualities of a woman, particularly focusing on understanding men and their needs. Among these needs are the need for acceptance, appreciation, and admiration - things which I believe coincide beautifully with the mandate of Scripture that tells wives they must respect their husbands:
"Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33)
The second half of the book deals with the woman herself. Such things as having radiant happiness, a worthy character, and understanding her own feminine nature. These qualities, of course, are all reflected in the well-known passage of Proverbs 31:10-31.
Imagine then my delight a couple weeks ago when two women, each exemplifying one side of the fascinating woman, nearly jumped off the page at me in separate books! Let me explain. In my personal devotion time I've been going through John Piper's book Desiring God for a second time. I first read it about fourteen or fifteen years ago but one day recently, as I was rummaging through a box of books, I was excited to rediscover it. Perusing through its pages, I hadn't gotten far (in fact only through the preface of my "tenth anniversary edition") when I read these words, written to his father:
"The dedicatory words I wrote in 1986 are still true ten years later. I can recall mother laughing so hard at the dinner table that the tears came down her face. She was a very happy woman. But especially when you came home on Monday." (His father was a traveling evangelist.) "You had been gone two weeks. Or sometimes three or four. She would glow on Monday mornings when you were coming home.
"At the dinner table that night (these were the happiest of times in my memory) we would hear about the victories of the gospel... Holy and happy were those Monday meals. O, how good it was to have you home!"
Amazing! Now just what quality of hers do you think really jumped out at me? Yes, of course - John Piper's mother was a radiantly happy woman - and her children and husband were incredibly blessed by it. I also hope you noticed - as I did - that his mother didn't appear to harbor any self-pity over her husband's long absences. In fact, she seems to have portrayed complete contentment in her circumstances, as well as a steadfast support of her husband. She hung on his words and taught her children to do the same. What a fascinating woman Mrs. Piper must have been!
Secondly, over the last several months my daughter and I have been (slowly) reading through the Anne of Green Gables books together. It's always a joy to read-aloud good quality literature. Books are a perfect way to demonstrate to my daughter how we should interact with everything we encounter; comparing - in this case the adventures of Anne Shirley - with the one true story, the gospel of Jesus Christ. For that reason I make every effort to point out a book's themes and the virtues (or faults) of its characters.
In the fourth book of the series called Anne of Windy Poplars, Anne Shirley is now engaged to her childhood friend, Gilbert Blythe. During this time the couple is separated while Gilbert attends medical school and Anne takes a teaching position. In the little town where Anne teaches she boards with some lovable characters including two elderly ladies, Aunt Kate and Aunt Chatty, and their maid, Rebecca Dew. Since they cannot be together, Anne and Gilbert must content themselves with written communication. Much of the book, therefore, is actually Anne's long letters to him.
In the second chapter she shares with Gilbert some snippets of love letters written by Aunt Chatty's grandmother. Although short, I was delighted to read the excerpts (and Anne's comments that follow) and immediately thought of what a beautiful example they are of a woman who knew how to captivate the heart of her husband through her respectful demeanor and attitude. As I share them I hope you'll especially note that Anne seems to possess a keen understanding of the effect of such words on a man (this also being a virtue of a fascinating woman!). So here's the first one. It appears on page 23 at the start of a letter to Gilbert:
"Honored and Respected Sir:-
"That is how a love letter of Aunt Chatty's grandmother began. Isn't it delicious? What a thrill of superiority it must have given the grandfather! Wouldn't you really rather prefer it to 'Gilbert darling, etc.?' "
In the second, Anne closes a letter:
"Your obedient servant,
"Anne Shirley.
"P.S. That was how Aunt Chatty's grandmother signed her love letters."
I know they're small things, but aren't these wonderful quotes? Or do they seem old-fashioned? Maybe a bit "formal?" If they do sound a little strange to our modern ears it's probably because we don't hear such talk from women nowadays! But, really, perhaps we should. Perhaps we women who love God and His Word should stop and really consider how we speak to our husbands. Are we building our husband up by showing him respect? I encourage each of us to examine our heart and answer that one honestly!
As many of you know, I didn't always do this. In fact, I'd have to rank my past performance somewhere in the range of 1 (or maybe 2) out of 10. Sad but true! But these days I make intentional efforts at speaking respectfully to Aaron. I consider how I might "make his day." Now, to be sure, for each husband that will mean something different. Our job, ladies, is to know and study our own man so we can bless him in a way that will be meaningful to him. I pray all the time for God to give me insight as to how I might do that. One little way I have discovered is to occasionally call my husband "Mr. S_______." I say it in my sweetest, most admiring voice. Honestly this almost always causes him to light up - no matter what sort of mood he's been in!
Therefore, getting back to Anne, her observation was absolutely right - any man would be "thrilled" to be spoken to in such a delightful way as "Honored and Respected Sir." If you doubt this, here's a question to consider - wouldn't you thrill to be called something like "Cherished and Loved Lady" by your husband? If your answer was "yes" then I have some good news. I truly believe that any man treated to this beautiful, dignified, consistent attitude by his wife will most certainly grow to cherish her more than life. He may not always say this; but he will undoubtedly show it in a multitude of other ways.
Finally, dear sisters, do we realize, as Aunt Chatty's grandmother seemed to, that we were created to be our husband's helpmate - his "obedient servant?" That if we are married we've actually been called to be a servant? At the risk of sounding cliché, let me gently remind you that "what God calls us to, He sees us through!"
Oh friend - don't be dismayed at the thought of treating or speaking to your man in a "subservient" way. Instead look to and follow Jesus, of whom the Bible says, "...the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." (Matthew 20:28) And let it be from your heart - let it flow from an attitude set on pleasing your husband above yourself. Please study and meditate on Philippians 2:1-8 for additional encouragement in this area.
Before I close, I also encourage you to keep your eyes open as you read books, watch movies, or even browse the internet. Within each of those things you will surely find a wealth of women whose example is worth following. Women who reflect the glory of their Maker as they relate to their husband and others around them. Ask yourself questions about what it is they do; what habits they have; and how they make a difference in others' lives - and then go and do the same.
Blessings on each of you this week! If you have anything to add to this I'd love to hear from you soon!
"The dedicatory words I wrote in 1986 are still true ten years later. I can recall mother laughing so hard at the dinner table that the tears came down her face. She was a very happy woman. But especially when you came home on Monday." (His father was a traveling evangelist.) "You had been gone two weeks. Or sometimes three or four. She would glow on Monday mornings when you were coming home.
"At the dinner table that night (these were the happiest of times in my memory) we would hear about the victories of the gospel... Holy and happy were those Monday meals. O, how good it was to have you home!"
Amazing! Now just what quality of hers do you think really jumped out at me? Yes, of course - John Piper's mother was a radiantly happy woman - and her children and husband were incredibly blessed by it. I also hope you noticed - as I did - that his mother didn't appear to harbor any self-pity over her husband's long absences. In fact, she seems to have portrayed complete contentment in her circumstances, as well as a steadfast support of her husband. She hung on his words and taught her children to do the same. What a fascinating woman Mrs. Piper must have been!
Secondly, over the last several months my daughter and I have been (slowly) reading through the Anne of Green Gables books together. It's always a joy to read-aloud good quality literature. Books are a perfect way to demonstrate to my daughter how we should interact with everything we encounter; comparing - in this case the adventures of Anne Shirley - with the one true story, the gospel of Jesus Christ. For that reason I make every effort to point out a book's themes and the virtues (or faults) of its characters.
In the fourth book of the series called Anne of Windy Poplars, Anne Shirley is now engaged to her childhood friend, Gilbert Blythe. During this time the couple is separated while Gilbert attends medical school and Anne takes a teaching position. In the little town where Anne teaches she boards with some lovable characters including two elderly ladies, Aunt Kate and Aunt Chatty, and their maid, Rebecca Dew. Since they cannot be together, Anne and Gilbert must content themselves with written communication. Much of the book, therefore, is actually Anne's long letters to him.
In the second chapter she shares with Gilbert some snippets of love letters written by Aunt Chatty's grandmother. Although short, I was delighted to read the excerpts (and Anne's comments that follow) and immediately thought of what a beautiful example they are of a woman who knew how to captivate the heart of her husband through her respectful demeanor and attitude. As I share them I hope you'll especially note that Anne seems to possess a keen understanding of the effect of such words on a man (this also being a virtue of a fascinating woman!). So here's the first one. It appears on page 23 at the start of a letter to Gilbert:
"Honored and Respected Sir:-
"That is how a love letter of Aunt Chatty's grandmother began. Isn't it delicious? What a thrill of superiority it must have given the grandfather! Wouldn't you really rather prefer it to 'Gilbert darling, etc.?' "
In the second, Anne closes a letter:
"Your obedient servant,
"Anne Shirley.
"P.S. That was how Aunt Chatty's grandmother signed her love letters."
I know they're small things, but aren't these wonderful quotes? Or do they seem old-fashioned? Maybe a bit "formal?" If they do sound a little strange to our modern ears it's probably because we don't hear such talk from women nowadays! But, really, perhaps we should. Perhaps we women who love God and His Word should stop and really consider how we speak to our husbands. Are we building our husband up by showing him respect? I encourage each of us to examine our heart and answer that one honestly!
As many of you know, I didn't always do this. In fact, I'd have to rank my past performance somewhere in the range of 1 (or maybe 2) out of 10. Sad but true! But these days I make intentional efforts at speaking respectfully to Aaron. I consider how I might "make his day." Now, to be sure, for each husband that will mean something different. Our job, ladies, is to know and study our own man so we can bless him in a way that will be meaningful to him. I pray all the time for God to give me insight as to how I might do that. One little way I have discovered is to occasionally call my husband "Mr. S_______." I say it in my sweetest, most admiring voice. Honestly this almost always causes him to light up - no matter what sort of mood he's been in!
Therefore, getting back to Anne, her observation was absolutely right - any man would be "thrilled" to be spoken to in such a delightful way as "Honored and Respected Sir." If you doubt this, here's a question to consider - wouldn't you thrill to be called something like "Cherished and Loved Lady" by your husband? If your answer was "yes" then I have some good news. I truly believe that any man treated to this beautiful, dignified, consistent attitude by his wife will most certainly grow to cherish her more than life. He may not always say this; but he will undoubtedly show it in a multitude of other ways.
Finally, dear sisters, do we realize, as Aunt Chatty's grandmother seemed to, that we were created to be our husband's helpmate - his "obedient servant?" That if we are married we've actually been called to be a servant? At the risk of sounding cliché, let me gently remind you that "what God calls us to, He sees us through!"
Oh friend - don't be dismayed at the thought of treating or speaking to your man in a "subservient" way. Instead look to and follow Jesus, of whom the Bible says, "...the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." (Matthew 20:28) And let it be from your heart - let it flow from an attitude set on pleasing your husband above yourself. Please study and meditate on Philippians 2:1-8 for additional encouragement in this area.
Before I close, I also encourage you to keep your eyes open as you read books, watch movies, or even browse the internet. Within each of those things you will surely find a wealth of women whose example is worth following. Women who reflect the glory of their Maker as they relate to their husband and others around them. Ask yourself questions about what it is they do; what habits they have; and how they make a difference in others' lives - and then go and do the same.
Blessings on each of you this week! If you have anything to add to this I'd love to hear from you soon!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Should We Be a Doormat When Our Spouse Cheats?
For all my dear readers I'd like to clarify my position on this question and state in one place what I believe is the Biblical response to an unfaithful spouse. Recently, I was contacted by a reader who mentioned the aspect of being "quiet" in regards to our husbands - an admonition clearly supported by Scripture (1 Peter 3:1) and which I've written about here. Now, to be clear - this lady did not say she came away with the impression from this blog that I mean for women experiencing their husband's unfaithfulness to become "doormats." However, it got me thinking - Could I seem to be giving that impression?
So please allow me to try to state my position the best I can. To attempt this I will retell a little of our story. Then I want to conclude with what I believe Scripture (most importantly), as well as my own experience, have taught me about a godly response to adultery. Let me begin by saying that as far as I can tell, adultery is a sin as any other. No where in the Bible can I find it singled out as being "worse" than any other. Yes, it's infinitely more hurtful than, say, your husband raising his voice in anger at you. But it is no worse a sin in God's economy then another because of one simple fact: All sin requires atonement. It requires that a price be paid for it.
The good news (what we call the gospel) states that Jesus Christ, God incarnate, became a man in order to do that. He willingly laid down His sinless, perfect life through death on a cross. In this He satisfied the wrath of God; poured out upon Him because the Father's pure holiness demanded it be so. Look with me at Matthew 27:46, where Jesus is hanging on the cross:
Commentator John Gill says of this verse that Jesus "was now without a sense of the gracious presence of God, and was filled, as the surety of his people, with a sense of divine wrath, which their iniquities he now bore, deserved, and which was necessary for him to endure, in order to make full satisfaction for them; for one part of the punishment of sin is loss of the divine presence."
So with this in mind, we must have a view toward our husband's sin of adultery as one that is covered by the blood of Jesus. Truly you and I are no better and are every bit as deserving of God's wrath as they are. "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God..." (Romans 3:23) But thanks be to God that He did make a way for us to have our sins forgiven and to become righteous: "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." (2 Corinthians 5:21) And, friend, it is because of this great truth that the apostle Paul can admonish us in Ephesians 4:32:
So for me, during that summer of my husband's emotional affair I waited through long weeks of despair hoping and praying for my husband's repentance. I anxiously awaited his sorrowful apology so that I could forgive him. I remember my pastor assuring me over and over again, "We'll know true repentance when we see it."
Simultaneously, as many of you know, I felt the Lord showing me to love him unconditionally - even while he was exceedingly difficult to "love" in his state of hostility and anger. However, before I go any further, with my seeming willingness to "toot my own horn," I must stop right here.
First, because it's necessary for me to give you a realistic picture of what kind of wife I really had been up until that point. Because you see, for most of the seventeen years of marriage I had shown neither unconditional love nor respect toward my husband. This is completely unlike God - who showers even unrepentant, wicked sinners with His gifts. Sometimes we refer to this as "common grace," which is based upon Matthew 5:45, "That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."
So please allow me to try to state my position the best I can. To attempt this I will retell a little of our story. Then I want to conclude with what I believe Scripture (most importantly), as well as my own experience, have taught me about a godly response to adultery. Let me begin by saying that as far as I can tell, adultery is a sin as any other. No where in the Bible can I find it singled out as being "worse" than any other. Yes, it's infinitely more hurtful than, say, your husband raising his voice in anger at you. But it is no worse a sin in God's economy then another because of one simple fact: All sin requires atonement. It requires that a price be paid for it.
The good news (what we call the gospel) states that Jesus Christ, God incarnate, became a man in order to do that. He willingly laid down His sinless, perfect life through death on a cross. In this He satisfied the wrath of God; poured out upon Him because the Father's pure holiness demanded it be so. Look with me at Matthew 27:46, where Jesus is hanging on the cross:
"And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"
Commentator John Gill says of this verse that Jesus "was now without a sense of the gracious presence of God, and was filled, as the surety of his people, with a sense of divine wrath, which their iniquities he now bore, deserved, and which was necessary for him to endure, in order to make full satisfaction for them; for one part of the punishment of sin is loss of the divine presence."
So with this in mind, we must have a view toward our husband's sin of adultery as one that is covered by the blood of Jesus. Truly you and I are no better and are every bit as deserving of God's wrath as they are. "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God..." (Romans 3:23) But thanks be to God that He did make a way for us to have our sins forgiven and to become righteous: "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." (2 Corinthians 5:21) And, friend, it is because of this great truth that the apostle Paul can admonish us in Ephesians 4:32:
"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."
So for me, during that summer of my husband's emotional affair I waited through long weeks of despair hoping and praying for my husband's repentance. I anxiously awaited his sorrowful apology so that I could forgive him. I remember my pastor assuring me over and over again, "We'll know true repentance when we see it."
Simultaneously, as many of you know, I felt the Lord showing me to love him unconditionally - even while he was exceedingly difficult to "love" in his state of hostility and anger. However, before I go any further, with my seeming willingness to "toot my own horn," I must stop right here.
First, because it's necessary for me to give you a realistic picture of what kind of wife I really had been up until that point. Because you see, for most of the seventeen years of marriage I had shown neither unconditional love nor respect toward my husband. This is completely unlike God - who showers even unrepentant, wicked sinners with His gifts. Sometimes we refer to this as "common grace," which is based upon Matthew 5:45, "That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."
And may I suggest that Scripture teaches us that it is this very thing - His unfathomable kindness towards hostile sinners - which leads them to repentance. This is because it tells us in Acts 2:4, "Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?" You see? It's the kindness, the love which He demonstrated toward us "while we were yet sinners" (Romans 5:8) that assured us we would be safe and accepted by Him if we would repent. We could rest and take comfort in the knowledge that we had a place to "come home to," so-to-speak.
So getting back to my situation, it was a relatively short amount of time between when I found out about Aaron's affair, and when he cut if off (or at least I believed he had). I still had every hope that our marriage could be saved. As I look back, I truly believe that at this time it was crucial that I show my husband unconditional love because he needed to trust that I would offer forgiveness should he confess his sin and ask for it. He couldn't have done this based on our past; for I had not shown him much (true) kindness and acceptance. This leads me to share, dear sister, a significant and humbling truth - God showed me to love Aaron because He wanted me to be a reflection of His great love and mercy towards us. My husband was messed up spiritually and God was going to use a "cracked pot" like me to show him (albeit imperfectly) what God was like.
It reminds me of the book of Hosea. (Not that I'm on the same level as him - I'm not!) However, the prophet also had the task of showing what God was like to the unfaithful nation of Israel - through his own marriage to an unfaithful wife. Time and again Hosea showed her his love and took her back. If you haven't read it in a while, I highly encourage you to read it sometime soon. Meditate on how it can be applied to the heartache of adultery in your own life.
Secondly though, loving my husband while enduring hostility was made a little "easier" for me because I was deceived about it being over between he and the other woman. In some respects I believe that God allowed this extended time of deception. Had I known otherwise - I doubt I would have stuck with it. I believe I would have quit and gave up. Figuratively speaking, had I been allowed to see the real giants I was facing, I would not have had that time to love another human without condition, and without return! The opportunity for growth in goodwill (see Proverbs 31:12) and maturity this brought into my life, as a result, would have also been lost. In the end, if I had not been allowed time to develop unconditional love for Aaron, he probably would not have believed that I would be willing to truly take him back and forgive him.
And, indeed, even though I had been living this out for a couple months - not perfectly but trusting the Lord to help me in my weaknesses - I was still about ready to throw in the towel when I found out in August that Aaron was still sneaking around. That day of discovery, the one when I met my friend Rachel for coffee (which I wrote about in The Way God Answered Prayer for My Husband's Repentance), I explained to all of you how I figured I would have to call the divorce lawyer on Monday.
What I didn't mention in that post, however, was that I had actually given Aaron an ultimatum earlier in the day. I told him that he either end it with the other woman or I would divorce him. But since he didn't seem too bothered by my ultimatum and still planned on meeting with his adultress, I concluded that divorce was the only answer.
Meeting with Rachel that day was really for my own comfort because I was feeling so totally hopeless and drained. I thank God, though, that in reality it was Him who ordained that timely meeting, and that prayer was a natural thing for us to do. Again, if you'll remember, it was in answer to those desperate prayers uttered at the "eleventh hour," that God brought my husband to repentance. That day represented a crisis brought to a head through weeks and weeks of standing in the gap for our marriage through prayer. Praise GOD!!
Now, I've talked about unconditional love. It is an attribute of our Heavenly Father which He lavishes on us to draw us to Himself; and one which we wives can also use to win our husbands back to ourselves. But I also need to talk about this other "thing." And that's the idea of what some call "tough love."
Perhaps the most well-known advocate for its practice is Dr. James Dobson who wrote the book, Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis
. Now, I know I've shared somewhere on here that I don't agree with Focus on the Family and Dr. Dobson on everything, but following this book's advice was probably the #3 thing (prayer and unconditional love being the first two) that I did to save our marriage.
But some might say, "Is tough love Biblical?" Yes, but before I explain why I'll give a brief explanation of what it is. First, as its premise, as I understand and would apply it, is the idea of dignity. For love to flourish in any relationship it must be free of abuse and each person's dignity upheld and respected. Dignity is based on the fact that we are all created in God's image. (Genesis 1:26) To hurt or harm another human being is a frontal assault against their dignity. Because of this, it is oftentimes in the best interest of the person being victimized (or betrayed in the case of adultery) to separate from the other person for a time. It is made clear by the one betrayed that they still love the adulterer, and would welcome them back when and if they repent, but that they cannot tolerate such behavior any longer. There is NO begging, crying, promising to "do better," or any other such thing on the part of the person betrayed. To do so would be to...1) Hurt and deny their own dignity (and basically say, "It's okay; you can step all over me and I'll still be here;" and 2) Hurt the relationship with the balance of "power" being tilted in favor of the one sinning. Consider the picture of equality (verse 21, below) - yet with different roles - the Bible paints for us in regards to the marriage relationship:
So getting back to my situation, it was a relatively short amount of time between when I found out about Aaron's affair, and when he cut if off (or at least I believed he had). I still had every hope that our marriage could be saved. As I look back, I truly believe that at this time it was crucial that I show my husband unconditional love because he needed to trust that I would offer forgiveness should he confess his sin and ask for it. He couldn't have done this based on our past; for I had not shown him much (true) kindness and acceptance. This leads me to share, dear sister, a significant and humbling truth - God showed me to love Aaron because He wanted me to be a reflection of His great love and mercy towards us. My husband was messed up spiritually and God was going to use a "cracked pot" like me to show him (albeit imperfectly) what God was like.
It reminds me of the book of Hosea. (Not that I'm on the same level as him - I'm not!) However, the prophet also had the task of showing what God was like to the unfaithful nation of Israel - through his own marriage to an unfaithful wife. Time and again Hosea showed her his love and took her back. If you haven't read it in a while, I highly encourage you to read it sometime soon. Meditate on how it can be applied to the heartache of adultery in your own life.
Secondly though, loving my husband while enduring hostility was made a little "easier" for me because I was deceived about it being over between he and the other woman. In some respects I believe that God allowed this extended time of deception. Had I known otherwise - I doubt I would have stuck with it. I believe I would have quit and gave up. Figuratively speaking, had I been allowed to see the real giants I was facing, I would not have had that time to love another human without condition, and without return! The opportunity for growth in goodwill (see Proverbs 31:12) and maturity this brought into my life, as a result, would have also been lost. In the end, if I had not been allowed time to develop unconditional love for Aaron, he probably would not have believed that I would be willing to truly take him back and forgive him.
And, indeed, even though I had been living this out for a couple months - not perfectly but trusting the Lord to help me in my weaknesses - I was still about ready to throw in the towel when I found out in August that Aaron was still sneaking around. That day of discovery, the one when I met my friend Rachel for coffee (which I wrote about in The Way God Answered Prayer for My Husband's Repentance), I explained to all of you how I figured I would have to call the divorce lawyer on Monday.
What I didn't mention in that post, however, was that I had actually given Aaron an ultimatum earlier in the day. I told him that he either end it with the other woman or I would divorce him. But since he didn't seem too bothered by my ultimatum and still planned on meeting with his adultress, I concluded that divorce was the only answer.
Meeting with Rachel that day was really for my own comfort because I was feeling so totally hopeless and drained. I thank God, though, that in reality it was Him who ordained that timely meeting, and that prayer was a natural thing for us to do. Again, if you'll remember, it was in answer to those desperate prayers uttered at the "eleventh hour," that God brought my husband to repentance. That day represented a crisis brought to a head through weeks and weeks of standing in the gap for our marriage through prayer. Praise GOD!!
Now, I've talked about unconditional love. It is an attribute of our Heavenly Father which He lavishes on us to draw us to Himself; and one which we wives can also use to win our husbands back to ourselves. But I also need to talk about this other "thing." And that's the idea of what some call "tough love."
Perhaps the most well-known advocate for its practice is Dr. James Dobson who wrote the book, Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis
. Now, I know I've shared somewhere on here that I don't agree with Focus on the Family and Dr. Dobson on everything, but following this book's advice was probably the #3 thing (prayer and unconditional love being the first two) that I did to save our marriage. Is Tough Love Biblical?
But some might say, "Is tough love Biblical?" Yes, but before I explain why I'll give a brief explanation of what it is. First, as its premise, as I understand and would apply it, is the idea of dignity. For love to flourish in any relationship it must be free of abuse and each person's dignity upheld and respected. Dignity is based on the fact that we are all created in God's image. (Genesis 1:26) To hurt or harm another human being is a frontal assault against their dignity. Because of this, it is oftentimes in the best interest of the person being victimized (or betrayed in the case of adultery) to separate from the other person for a time. It is made clear by the one betrayed that they still love the adulterer, and would welcome them back when and if they repent, but that they cannot tolerate such behavior any longer. There is NO begging, crying, promising to "do better," or any other such thing on the part of the person betrayed. To do so would be to...1) Hurt and deny their own dignity (and basically say, "It's okay; you can step all over me and I'll still be here;" and 2) Hurt the relationship with the balance of "power" being tilted in favor of the one sinning. Consider the picture of equality (verse 21, below) - yet with different roles - the Bible paints for us in regards to the marriage relationship:
21...And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. 22Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church." (Ephesians 5:21-29)
Aside from the issue of God-given dignity, another reason to support the idea of tough love is found in this verse: "Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted." (Galatians 6:1) Now, at first glance you may be wondering how this verse demonstrates tough love. In fact, you might be thinking, it says to restore in a spirit of gentleness!
A look at the Greek word, katartizo, that is here translated as "restore" may be helpful. It's meaning is: "repair or adjust -- fit, frame, mend, (make) perfect(-ly join together)." What I believe we can glean from this is that the way in which we must approach the person in error is to be gentle - meaning specifically our demeanor and attitude; and that it must also be coupled with the right motivation. But, the actual "act" must sometimes seem hurtful. Think about it... Repairing, adjusting, and perfectly joining two things together takes some bending, twisting, and shaping - all things which are good, but require us to be forceful when necessary.
And that's precisely what we do when we confront another's sin. We "force" a crisis. In the eighteenth chapter of Matthew, verses 15-17, we are familiar with the steps of dealing with a sinning brother. We see that they are progressive. In verse seventeen Jesus tells us that in the case of the brother who won't address his sin even when finally confronted by the entire church, we are basically to disassociate with that person and treat them as we would anyone else outside the church.
Paul later confirmed this when he said, "If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter, take special note of that person and do not associate with him, so that he will be put to shame." (2 Thessalonians 3:14) And even more strongly when he seemingly dealt harshly with one particular unrepentant man: "I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus." (1 Corinthians 5:5) Look closely and we see that Paul was actually creating a "crisis" for that person by discontinuing fellowship with him - while having that person's ultimate good in mind.
Getting back to my situation for a minute. Where I believe I was in error was in jumping immediately to the idea of divorce, rather than an ultimatum that included separation. In this I feel like my commitment to the marriage wavered. Now, to God's praise and mercy, I cannot say why but He still chose to use my feeble and imperfect attempt at forcing a crisis; and I'm certainly glad he did! In fact, my husband has said that it was the combination of my loving acceptance of him, yet unwillingness to be stepped all over, that drew him and made him come back to his senses.
However, as much as I'm thankful it worked that way for us, I would not suggest to anyone reading this that you quickly go from showing a willingness to forgive, to stomping your foot down in a ultimatum of divorce. Please remember that patience and long-suffering are virtues that the Lord develops in us through such trials. (James 1:2-3) These require us to work through the process with care. After all, marriage is meant to be a lifetime covenant and therefore must always be handled with an eye toward restoration - the very thing we've been reading about in the verses on correction above!
But the question remains. How do we do that? How do we proceed during a spouse's unfaithfulness? All I can say is that it requires us to pray like we've never prayed; to have faith in God's goodness; and - probably most important - to have hope. For hope is always centered on the ministry and work of the Lord Jesus Christ. He is what gives us hope during dark days. To that end we can take comfort in knowing that there is more to this life than what is seen, and that God's purposes in everything are bringing about a "far greater weight of glory." (2 Corinthians 4:17)
And so this is what we're to be about in the midst of such an awful trial as this... About bringing the focus back to God's amazing grace and sharing that with a person desperately deceived and "taken captive by (Satan) to do his will." (2 Timothy 2:26)
So, yes, I truly do believe that tough love is Biblical and has its place. But I also believe that, before that happens, there needs to be unconditional love and a willingness to forgive shown. Is it a sacrifice on the part of the one who is being sinned against? The wife who is living with her husband's hostility and unfaithfulness? Yes, a thousand times yes! But again - it all goes back to Jesus - the One whom (if we are Christians) we claim to follow! And I believe He does ask us this... Will you follow Me?
"For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:3)
Dear sister, if you are one who is going through your husband's adultery today, I suggest you first throw yourself at the feet of your merciful God and savior. He promised to be near to those who are brokenhearted. "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted, And saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)
Then, consider balance in your approach toward your husband. Remember, God Himself is neither all love, nor all justice. At first He patiently endures our wandering and sin. Though it grieves him terribly, we've seen above how He will attempt to draw us to Himself by showing kindness and love. However, if that doesn't get our attention, He oftentimes uses chastisement. Usually He does this by bringing about some sort of crisis in our life.
Additionally, never go about this alone! Seek godly and Biblical counsel; while at the same time continuing to read the Bible first to gain wisdom, and then adding in books such as "Love Must Be Tough." When you do read any book make sure you weigh it against Scripture as the Bereans of Paul's day did. Finally, this is very important - when considering taking any action, such as presenting an ultimatum (which the book by Dr. Dobson clearly shows how to do), always pray and seek God's will and timing in such matters.
I hope through this post I've made it clear where I stand concerning the question the title of this post asks. I hope I've convinced you that, no - we're not to be "doormats" in any sense of the word. We have dignity, given to us by our Creator. We also have a duty to love and look to others' good - and allowing someone to continue in sin is not loving! In fact, to do so would be disobedience to Scripture. Therefore, each one of us can show our dignity as a woman by being both loving and confrontational. Being confrontational does not mean acting as our husband's conscience; but rather - as our text above said - we are to seek to restore him in a spirit of gentleness.
If you have any comments I welcome them. I do regularly pray for my readers and I am so thankful for each and every one of you. Go in God's peace and protection this week!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Are You Full of Grace or the Law in Your Relationships?
Note before I begin: The other day I was pecking out a little on the second article about Biblical vs. False Femininity when I was overcome with the desire to first share with you this lesson the Lord has been showing me all summer. As way of a quick update I will tell you that things are going quite a bit better with our son. If you'll remember, I shared that we had laid down some tough boundaries for him. At the same time we showed grace and acceptance of him. As it's turned out, instead of rebelling against the new rules, over the last couple months he's actually embraced them and us. We feel as if he's "rejoined" our family. This has manifested itself through the many times he's initiated a family game, walk, or movie night. Sometimes, like last night, without our prompting or asking, he came outside to join us in some fun with the Frisbee and foot races. And just a week ago we went on a three-day family vacation and had a really good time.
Now, I can't say that all this means he's walking the Lord. He's not. Is he any closer? I don't know. But there are some good signs that he's at least not hostile toward the gospel. And so, with that, I want to share a message that I hope will give you something to think about - whether you have a prodigal in your life or not. If you have any relationship with another person (and, of course, you do), I pray you'll "listen" with an open heart. Thank you and may the Lord use these words as He sees fit.
But alas - the problem I now see with that is two-fold: First, what defines "good parents," or good parenting? And second, because it's inevitable - what about when we blow it? Well, as you have probably already guessed, there is no definition for good parenting because that's like asking what the definition of a "good person" is. The truth of the matter is that there is no one who is good. Instead each one of us is inherently evil. "As it is written, 'There is none righteous, no, not one.' " (Romans 3:10)
In light of this, therefore, no one is truly capable of "good parenting" except our Heavenly Father (and even He has kids who rebel!) And because of our inadequacy, Aaron and I blew it many, many times and consequently guilt and self-condemnation would set in. Not once did we grasp the surety of God's grace in light of our failings. Oh sure, we understood that grace applied to salvation; but it was almost as if we thought that, after that, we were on our own to work things out. The only solution? Try a little harder! Not once did we see that God's grace was available for all areas of life - including our parenting. As a result of this blindness we read one parenting book after another, and went from one extreme to the other. For a time we would be tough and strict; then soft and lenient. Added to this unfortunate mix was the fact that our marriage during those years suffered from a lot of volatility and dysfunction. To my deep regret, this was the reality of our son's childhood.
I believe that as the years went on my husband became more and more law-oriented as an unconscious means of getting the best handle he could on a difficult situation. Such that, by the time our son was a teen and had become rebellious, we both responded by swinging toward being consistently strict with him. The underlying thought was, "We'll show him who's in charge!"
Unconsciously I think there was a feeling of "safety" in our rules and restrictions, as well as a belief they would shape and make him into a good little Christian. Now, I can't say that we had a relationship with him during that time. He was "moody and withdrawn" and preferred his friends over us; but instead of dealing with it we tended to just brush that aside. What we didn't understand is that rules without relationship equals rebellion.
So we had rules for every conceivable area of his life. Of course, just like God's law for us (which is infinitely good), parents need to have rules (albeit imperfect) for their children, too. I'm not advocating loosey-goosey, permissive-type parenting here; but I am saying that because we didn't pursue a relationship with our son first, we failed to exhibit the way God works in our lives. And truly He does seek, and establish the means for, a relationship with His own... "See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him." (1 John 3:1)
Without a proper understanding of grace we plodded on; unable to give one ounce of it! Perhaps it was an attempt to reach out - I'm really not sure - but we did make a conscious effort to give him plenty of Christian worldview material to read during his high school years. Surely, we reasoned, after all this effort, it will be enough to keep our son from the world and ensure he'll embrace the faith. As long as we kept doing the things Christian parents are supposed to do, and giving him all the right opportunities to receive Christ, one day it'd pay off.
Now, friends - do you notice anything at all about this? Can you see where the focus of our hearts was? Yes, that's right. It was on us, his parents. It was on our efforts and our works. In reality God was not in this picture at all. All the outcome of our son's soul was on our backs. And because of this we were not walking in grace, but the law. And let me say this my dear sisters - this is too heavy a load for any of us to bear! We were never meant to, yet so many of us do. We tend to do this, many times unknowingly, in a variety of relationships and a variety of situations. Therefore, in this next section let's explore how to determine if we're doing that. Hopefully we'll see whether we are grace-filled or law-filled in our heart attitude toward others.
So how can we examine ourselves in this area, and maybe more importantly, what difference does it make? Let's take a look at these two questions separately.
Since there are just two approaches in our relationships - grace or law - it will not take rocket science to nail down where our efforts in them are centered. So then let's start with the latter. What is law's motivation? Simply put, it is self-trust; it says, "I can do this." This, of course, is the opposite of reliance upon God's grace. But in case you're not sure where your motivation lies (and I think a great many of us fall into this camp), the best possible indicator of your attitude may be your reaction.
For example, how do you feel when your husband or child fails? Whether this means failing to respond to the gospel, your advice, or anything else you're trying to share. Specifically, what emotions do you experience? If you become angry or frustrated chances are good you have a heart filled with law.
Taking this a step further, may I ask - for whose glory do you seek? If it be God's glory than there should be no problem with outbursts of anger. Nor reversely should there be any cause for pride to well up in us when the same people "do good" or succeed. And I'm talking about the kind of pride that says secretly in one's heart, "Look at our son here. He's become quite a good, Christian boy. His father and I are being rewarded for our faithfulness in raising him in 'the way he should go.' " At the heart of law is not only a reliance on our own works and abilities, but a smug feeling that God is actually obligated to reward these works. But may I remind us sisters of what the Word says about works (deeds) in Isaiah 64:6 - "For all of us have become like one who is unclean, And all our righteous deeds are like a filthy garment..." (My emphasis) In plain words - we're not good enough to "save" anyone!
So, truth be told this is how my husband and I parented for years. Hard and demanding of our son; frustrated and dismayed by his failures. And the occasional ray of sunshine when he did something to make us proud. (This, of course, is just code for "earned our approval.")
The poor kid never felt like anything he did was good enough because our favor was turned off and on like a faucet! I can't tell you how much I regret treating him that way but I did so without even realizing it. My friend - our children should NEVER have to earn our acceptance. This is NOT the way of the one perfect parent, our Heavenly Father, who despite our weakness and sin, loved us and sent His Son to die for us. (Romans 5:8) His way is the way of grace. "Teach me Your way, O LORD; I will walk in Your truth; Unite my heart to fear Your name." (Psalm 86:11, emphasis mine)
But before you get comfortable and think, "I don't treat my children that way," or, "I don't even have children!" - allow me to remind you that this type of attitude can manifest itself in any relationship. In the case of a husband/wife relationship it may be that one spouse is demanding of the other. Maybe the wife is critical of her husband or the husband overlooks his wife's efforts at pleasing him. Literally I think there are a million ways this lack of grace could play out. And remember how I asked at the beginning of this section what difference any of this makes? Well, I'll attempt to answer that now.
First, in our case, the law-filled attitude that governed our relationship with our son caused us to miss out on God's peace and blessing. We carried around a heavy burden for his outcome. We experienced fear... What if we failed to do everything we could to bring him to faith? And what if, after all our best efforts, he still didn't receive Christ?
We also carried an idol around in our hearts - the idol of having a believing, successful child. Sometime later I dug a little deeper and discovered a second one. This one, I believe, may have been mine alone - the idol of having a good image in the community. I wanted this more than anything - even above my relationship with God. So the end result of living by the law was that instead of serving the living God - instead of "be(ing) still and know(ing) that (He is) God," and exalting Him (Psalm 46:10) - my husband and I lived in a sinful state of unbelief and idolatry. We forgot that He ALONE is savior.
So that brings me to this question: What would happen if you or I decided to place our sole trust in the Lord, looking to His grace and goodness? Quite simply we would quiet our souls and be enabled to give grace to our child, husband, friend, or whomever. We would become a vessel that He can use. Additionally, our relationship with that person would improve because we would no longer be attempting to carry them, but free to enjoy them!
Hopefully by now you've been able to discover where you're at in regards to grace and law in your relationships. Now what I'd like to do is give you a little acronym I've made up to help you take the right steps toward being a grace-filled mother, wife, friend, etc.
Ready? It's simple. It's just four letters and spells the word rest, which is the state of being God wants us to experience. (A further explanation will follow.)
R - 'R' stands for Realize
E - 'E' stands for Encourage
S - 'S' stands for Show Respect
T - 'T' stands for Trust God
The first one, R for "Realize," is easy in theory but takes humility. This is what perhaps some of you have already done or are currently thinking about. Therefore, dear sisters, I encourage you, if you see some tendencies toward works and law in your relationships, to realize and acknowledge where you've been wrong. The place to begin is confessing it to God. Repent and ask Him to forgive you. After all, it is His goodness that you have doubted, and Him whom you have "dethroned" by putting yourself in His place. Remember two things: First, in regards to this we can sin in many ways such as believing that we're responsible for our children's outcome; or that it's our job as wife to get our husband to shape up, lead the family, or whatever. Second, our clue as to whether we're walking in law is our reaction, which will generally be either anger or frustration - contrasted against the fruit of grace which is peace and quietness.
The second one, E, really stands for "Encourage, don't preach." I want you to consider a verse that I meditate on often: "Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person." (Colossians 4:6) Notice first that it says our speech ought to be with grace. My dear sister - this is the heart of this message! Our words should always communicate acceptance of the person as one made in the image of God.
We need to accept others in our life as GOD Himself accepts us. "To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. (Ephesians 1:6, emphasis mine) As I look back I realize that the Lord was working this grace in me at the time of our marriage reconciliation following my husband's affair. Not because I'm so great but because He is, God enabled me to accept Aaron just as he was following those events. This wasn't easy as I was not only heartbroken from being betrayed, but I could only look on in horror at what a spiritual "mess" my husband was. But somehow, with the strength of the Lord, I simply accepted him where he was at and, truly, it was healing to our relationship.
That brings me to the second phrase of the verse above - "...as though seasoned with salt." Now, salt is many things but applicable to our discussion is the fact that it's a preservative. So think about this - Do you want to ruin, or preserve, your relationship with that other person? If you want to preserve it then consider how you might do that. Let grace be your guide. Don't preach at him or her - God doesn't need you to bring them under conviction! Instead encourage your child, husband, or friend.
For example, I no longer look for ways to "sneak in" the gospel when talking to my son. To clarify, I'm not afraid to mention God or the Bible - but when I do talk about them it's not with an agenda in mind. There is one thing I like to consistently do and that is commend the positive things I see by saying things like, "When you _____________ today it showed me that God is at work in you." Then I smile and walk away. I don't wait for a reaction or make sure he heard me. Neither do I expect him to reply. I let him know by my attitude that it's okay if he doesn't. However, I will say that recently he surprised me by responding, "Thanks Mom, I appreciate that."
And what happens if he royally blows it?! Then I encourage him a different way. I let him know that no matter what he does I still love him, and God does, too. I don't go on and on about it; but I basically try to communicate in a few words that he doesn't have to "earn" anyone's love.
The third letter in the acronym is S for "Show Respect." In the case of a prodigal child this is challenging. We've been used to guiding them their whole life and now their thoughts and views in many respects seem so different from ours. But we can learn to just listen. We can be glad that they even want to talk when they do. Even if we say nothing in response that's okay because they have the right to feel respected. In fact, arguing would be one of the worse things we could do. It will break down our relationship with them and build up walls of resentment.
Can I tell you something that might help you when you're tempted to "correct" their way of thinking? Or brood over their failures? Or try to control the outcome? This will help no matter if it's your child, your spouse, or even one of your parents. The idea is to view that person simply as someone who needs Christ. Period. Not as your wayward son, carnally-minded husband, or other similar thing. Just as a person who's lost or deceived and in terrible need of the Savior. A person just like you!
Finally, we come to the last letter of the acronym, T. It stands for "Trust God." At the root of grace-filled living needs to be trust in God. So say for instance you desire, but perhaps struggle, to show respect to your husband who's walking in disobedience to the Lord. My suggestion? Trust God. Trust Him for the strength to do it. While I've mentioned this Scripture passage many times before, look again in 1 Peter 3 at what the holy women in former times did:
You see, these women acted in accordance with their trust and hope in God. Now, think about this - trust is the opposite of fear, right? And what does fear do to people? Well, if you think about when people are seized with fear you know that fear actually controls them. One Bible example that comes to mind is Elijah. In Chapter 19 of 1 Kings we find him running for fear of his life: "Now Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, 'So may the gods do to me and even more, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by tomorrow about this time.' And he was afraid and arose and ran for his life and came to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there." (1 Kings 19:1-3, emphasis mine)
Another example is, interestingly enough, the father of faith himself, Abraham. Do you remember the terrible thing he did to his wife when he was afraid?
Unfortunately, not only did he allow her to be taken by Pharoah, he did it again in Chapter 20 when he met Abimelech, king of Gerar! And we, like these Bible characters, become fearful when we get our eyes off God and unto our circumstances. We either begin to "sink" like Peter on the water as he began to look around at the wind and the waves (Matthew 14:30); or, in another response to fear, we attempt to control others to gain peace of mind.
May I speak plainly and suggest that if you are in the least bit a controlling person you need to grow in grace? Likewise, if you have a hard time controlling your anger in response to people in your life it may be that you are lacking in love. You see, the bottom line is that grace and love are co-mingled. They go together! Look at this verse: "The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, be with you all." (2 Corinthians 13:14)
So, is fear or anger controlling you in your relationships, dear sister? I have a simple solution. Trust in God and be controlled instead by the love of Christ. This is what the apostle Paul did. He said, "For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died." (2 Corinthians 5:14) One dictionary I consulted described the verb "control" as exercising a dominating influence over. What a wonderful definition! Oh how we should strive to allow Christ's love to dominate us!
Perhaps, though, the very best thing about demonstrating to others that you're trusting God (again, manifested through your grace and love) is that it will be a powerful testimony to any unbelieving, difficult, or prodigal person in your life. A familiar verse that comes to mind is Matthew 5:16, "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven."
Finally, remember that in relation to this, faith is the only way we may do anything that will result in God being glorified and drawing others to Himself. It is referred to in 2 Thessalonians as "the work of faith:"
Well, that about wraps up the things I wanted to share with you today. This is a lesson that I'm asking God to reveal to me in increasing measure. I want to walk in and be filled with grace! I want my children, husband, extended family, and friends to all experience it!
If you have questions or comments I welcome them here. Or, if there is a need to speak to me privately please feel free to email. Blessings on you all this week!
Now, I can't say that all this means he's walking the Lord. He's not. Is he any closer? I don't know. But there are some good signs that he's at least not hostile toward the gospel. And so, with that, I want to share a message that I hope will give you something to think about - whether you have a prodigal in your life or not. If you have any relationship with another person (and, of course, you do), I pray you'll "listen" with an open heart. Thank you and may the Lord use these words as He sees fit.
Walking in Grace or the Law?
Our son is our firstborn. And like so many parents we made all our "big mistakes" with him. Looking back, one huge mistake we made is in the area of our own heart attitude and beliefs. You see, from the beginning of our parenting journey we believed that if we could be good parents, we would have good kids. It made sense - like a safe formula that guaranteed success. But alas - the problem I now see with that is two-fold: First, what defines "good parents," or good parenting? And second, because it's inevitable - what about when we blow it? Well, as you have probably already guessed, there is no definition for good parenting because that's like asking what the definition of a "good person" is. The truth of the matter is that there is no one who is good. Instead each one of us is inherently evil. "As it is written, 'There is none righteous, no, not one.' " (Romans 3:10)
In light of this, therefore, no one is truly capable of "good parenting" except our Heavenly Father (and even He has kids who rebel!) And because of our inadequacy, Aaron and I blew it many, many times and consequently guilt and self-condemnation would set in. Not once did we grasp the surety of God's grace in light of our failings. Oh sure, we understood that grace applied to salvation; but it was almost as if we thought that, after that, we were on our own to work things out. The only solution? Try a little harder! Not once did we see that God's grace was available for all areas of life - including our parenting. As a result of this blindness we read one parenting book after another, and went from one extreme to the other. For a time we would be tough and strict; then soft and lenient. Added to this unfortunate mix was the fact that our marriage during those years suffered from a lot of volatility and dysfunction. To my deep regret, this was the reality of our son's childhood.
I believe that as the years went on my husband became more and more law-oriented as an unconscious means of getting the best handle he could on a difficult situation. Such that, by the time our son was a teen and had become rebellious, we both responded by swinging toward being consistently strict with him. The underlying thought was, "We'll show him who's in charge!"
Unconsciously I think there was a feeling of "safety" in our rules and restrictions, as well as a belief they would shape and make him into a good little Christian. Now, I can't say that we had a relationship with him during that time. He was "moody and withdrawn" and preferred his friends over us; but instead of dealing with it we tended to just brush that aside. What we didn't understand is that rules without relationship equals rebellion.
So we had rules for every conceivable area of his life. Of course, just like God's law for us (which is infinitely good), parents need to have rules (albeit imperfect) for their children, too. I'm not advocating loosey-goosey, permissive-type parenting here; but I am saying that because we didn't pursue a relationship with our son first, we failed to exhibit the way God works in our lives. And truly He does seek, and establish the means for, a relationship with His own... "See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him." (1 John 3:1)
Without a proper understanding of grace we plodded on; unable to give one ounce of it! Perhaps it was an attempt to reach out - I'm really not sure - but we did make a conscious effort to give him plenty of Christian worldview material to read during his high school years. Surely, we reasoned, after all this effort, it will be enough to keep our son from the world and ensure he'll embrace the faith. As long as we kept doing the things Christian parents are supposed to do, and giving him all the right opportunities to receive Christ, one day it'd pay off.
Now, friends - do you notice anything at all about this? Can you see where the focus of our hearts was? Yes, that's right. It was on us, his parents. It was on our efforts and our works. In reality God was not in this picture at all. All the outcome of our son's soul was on our backs. And because of this we were not walking in grace, but the law. And let me say this my dear sisters - this is too heavy a load for any of us to bear! We were never meant to, yet so many of us do. We tend to do this, many times unknowingly, in a variety of relationships and a variety of situations. Therefore, in this next section let's explore how to determine if we're doing that. Hopefully we'll see whether we are grace-filled or law-filled in our heart attitude toward others.
Questions to Determine Where You're At
So how can we examine ourselves in this area, and maybe more importantly, what difference does it make? Let's take a look at these two questions separately.
Since there are just two approaches in our relationships - grace or law - it will not take rocket science to nail down where our efforts in them are centered. So then let's start with the latter. What is law's motivation? Simply put, it is self-trust; it says, "I can do this." This, of course, is the opposite of reliance upon God's grace. But in case you're not sure where your motivation lies (and I think a great many of us fall into this camp), the best possible indicator of your attitude may be your reaction.
For example, how do you feel when your husband or child fails? Whether this means failing to respond to the gospel, your advice, or anything else you're trying to share. Specifically, what emotions do you experience? If you become angry or frustrated chances are good you have a heart filled with law.
Taking this a step further, may I ask - for whose glory do you seek? If it be God's glory than there should be no problem with outbursts of anger. Nor reversely should there be any cause for pride to well up in us when the same people "do good" or succeed. And I'm talking about the kind of pride that says secretly in one's heart, "Look at our son here. He's become quite a good, Christian boy. His father and I are being rewarded for our faithfulness in raising him in 'the way he should go.' " At the heart of law is not only a reliance on our own works and abilities, but a smug feeling that God is actually obligated to reward these works. But may I remind us sisters of what the Word says about works (deeds) in Isaiah 64:6 - "For all of us have become like one who is unclean, And all our righteous deeds are like a filthy garment..." (My emphasis) In plain words - we're not good enough to "save" anyone!
So, truth be told this is how my husband and I parented for years. Hard and demanding of our son; frustrated and dismayed by his failures. And the occasional ray of sunshine when he did something to make us proud. (This, of course, is just code for "earned our approval.")
The poor kid never felt like anything he did was good enough because our favor was turned off and on like a faucet! I can't tell you how much I regret treating him that way but I did so without even realizing it. My friend - our children should NEVER have to earn our acceptance. This is NOT the way of the one perfect parent, our Heavenly Father, who despite our weakness and sin, loved us and sent His Son to die for us. (Romans 5:8) His way is the way of grace. "Teach me Your way, O LORD; I will walk in Your truth; Unite my heart to fear Your name." (Psalm 86:11, emphasis mine)
But before you get comfortable and think, "I don't treat my children that way," or, "I don't even have children!" - allow me to remind you that this type of attitude can manifest itself in any relationship. In the case of a husband/wife relationship it may be that one spouse is demanding of the other. Maybe the wife is critical of her husband or the husband overlooks his wife's efforts at pleasing him. Literally I think there are a million ways this lack of grace could play out. And remember how I asked at the beginning of this section what difference any of this makes? Well, I'll attempt to answer that now.
First, in our case, the law-filled attitude that governed our relationship with our son caused us to miss out on God's peace and blessing. We carried around a heavy burden for his outcome. We experienced fear... What if we failed to do everything we could to bring him to faith? And what if, after all our best efforts, he still didn't receive Christ?
We also carried an idol around in our hearts - the idol of having a believing, successful child. Sometime later I dug a little deeper and discovered a second one. This one, I believe, may have been mine alone - the idol of having a good image in the community. I wanted this more than anything - even above my relationship with God. So the end result of living by the law was that instead of serving the living God - instead of "be(ing) still and know(ing) that (He is) God," and exalting Him (Psalm 46:10) - my husband and I lived in a sinful state of unbelief and idolatry. We forgot that He ALONE is savior.
So that brings me to this question: What would happen if you or I decided to place our sole trust in the Lord, looking to His grace and goodness? Quite simply we would quiet our souls and be enabled to give grace to our child, husband, friend, or whomever. We would become a vessel that He can use. Additionally, our relationship with that person would improve because we would no longer be attempting to carry them, but free to enjoy them!
What You Can Do
Hopefully by now you've been able to discover where you're at in regards to grace and law in your relationships. Now what I'd like to do is give you a little acronym I've made up to help you take the right steps toward being a grace-filled mother, wife, friend, etc.
Ready? It's simple. It's just four letters and spells the word rest, which is the state of being God wants us to experience. (A further explanation will follow.)
R - 'R' stands for Realize
E - 'E' stands for Encourage
S - 'S' stands for Show Respect
T - 'T' stands for Trust God
The first one, R for "Realize," is easy in theory but takes humility. This is what perhaps some of you have already done or are currently thinking about. Therefore, dear sisters, I encourage you, if you see some tendencies toward works and law in your relationships, to realize and acknowledge where you've been wrong. The place to begin is confessing it to God. Repent and ask Him to forgive you. After all, it is His goodness that you have doubted, and Him whom you have "dethroned" by putting yourself in His place. Remember two things: First, in regards to this we can sin in many ways such as believing that we're responsible for our children's outcome; or that it's our job as wife to get our husband to shape up, lead the family, or whatever. Second, our clue as to whether we're walking in law is our reaction, which will generally be either anger or frustration - contrasted against the fruit of grace which is peace and quietness.
The second one, E, really stands for "Encourage, don't preach." I want you to consider a verse that I meditate on often: "Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person." (Colossians 4:6) Notice first that it says our speech ought to be with grace. My dear sister - this is the heart of this message! Our words should always communicate acceptance of the person as one made in the image of God.
We need to accept others in our life as GOD Himself accepts us. "To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. (Ephesians 1:6, emphasis mine) As I look back I realize that the Lord was working this grace in me at the time of our marriage reconciliation following my husband's affair. Not because I'm so great but because He is, God enabled me to accept Aaron just as he was following those events. This wasn't easy as I was not only heartbroken from being betrayed, but I could only look on in horror at what a spiritual "mess" my husband was. But somehow, with the strength of the Lord, I simply accepted him where he was at and, truly, it was healing to our relationship.
That brings me to the second phrase of the verse above - "...as though seasoned with salt." Now, salt is many things but applicable to our discussion is the fact that it's a preservative. So think about this - Do you want to ruin, or preserve, your relationship with that other person? If you want to preserve it then consider how you might do that. Let grace be your guide. Don't preach at him or her - God doesn't need you to bring them under conviction! Instead encourage your child, husband, or friend.
For example, I no longer look for ways to "sneak in" the gospel when talking to my son. To clarify, I'm not afraid to mention God or the Bible - but when I do talk about them it's not with an agenda in mind. There is one thing I like to consistently do and that is commend the positive things I see by saying things like, "When you _____________ today it showed me that God is at work in you." Then I smile and walk away. I don't wait for a reaction or make sure he heard me. Neither do I expect him to reply. I let him know by my attitude that it's okay if he doesn't. However, I will say that recently he surprised me by responding, "Thanks Mom, I appreciate that."
And what happens if he royally blows it?! Then I encourage him a different way. I let him know that no matter what he does I still love him, and God does, too. I don't go on and on about it; but I basically try to communicate in a few words that he doesn't have to "earn" anyone's love.
The third letter in the acronym is S for "Show Respect." In the case of a prodigal child this is challenging. We've been used to guiding them their whole life and now their thoughts and views in many respects seem so different from ours. But we can learn to just listen. We can be glad that they even want to talk when they do. Even if we say nothing in response that's okay because they have the right to feel respected. In fact, arguing would be one of the worse things we could do. It will break down our relationship with them and build up walls of resentment.
Can I tell you something that might help you when you're tempted to "correct" their way of thinking? Or brood over their failures? Or try to control the outcome? This will help no matter if it's your child, your spouse, or even one of your parents. The idea is to view that person simply as someone who needs Christ. Period. Not as your wayward son, carnally-minded husband, or other similar thing. Just as a person who's lost or deceived and in terrible need of the Savior. A person just like you!
Finally, we come to the last letter of the acronym, T. It stands for "Trust God." At the root of grace-filled living needs to be trust in God. So say for instance you desire, but perhaps struggle, to show respect to your husband who's walking in disobedience to the Lord. My suggestion? Trust God. Trust Him for the strength to do it. While I've mentioned this Scripture passage many times before, look again in 1 Peter 3 at what the holy women in former times did:
"In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands." (1 Peter 3:1-5)
You see, these women acted in accordance with their trust and hope in God. Now, think about this - trust is the opposite of fear, right? And what does fear do to people? Well, if you think about when people are seized with fear you know that fear actually controls them. One Bible example that comes to mind is Elijah. In Chapter 19 of 1 Kings we find him running for fear of his life: "Now Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, 'So may the gods do to me and even more, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by tomorrow about this time.' And he was afraid and arose and ran for his life and came to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there." (1 Kings 19:1-3, emphasis mine)
Another example is, interestingly enough, the father of faith himself, Abraham. Do you remember the terrible thing he did to his wife when he was afraid?
"It came about when he came near to Egypt, that he said to Sarai his wife, 'See now, I know that you are a beautiful woman; and when the Egyptians see you, they will say, "This is his wife"; and they will kill me, but they will let you live. Please say that you are my sister so that it may go well with me because of you, and that I may live on account of you.' " (Genesis 12:11-13)
Unfortunately, not only did he allow her to be taken by Pharoah, he did it again in Chapter 20 when he met Abimelech, king of Gerar! And we, like these Bible characters, become fearful when we get our eyes off God and unto our circumstances. We either begin to "sink" like Peter on the water as he began to look around at the wind and the waves (Matthew 14:30); or, in another response to fear, we attempt to control others to gain peace of mind.
May I speak plainly and suggest that if you are in the least bit a controlling person you need to grow in grace? Likewise, if you have a hard time controlling your anger in response to people in your life it may be that you are lacking in love. You see, the bottom line is that grace and love are co-mingled. They go together! Look at this verse: "The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, be with you all." (2 Corinthians 13:14)
So, is fear or anger controlling you in your relationships, dear sister? I have a simple solution. Trust in God and be controlled instead by the love of Christ. This is what the apostle Paul did. He said, "For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died." (2 Corinthians 5:14) One dictionary I consulted described the verb "control" as exercising a dominating influence over. What a wonderful definition! Oh how we should strive to allow Christ's love to dominate us!
Perhaps, though, the very best thing about demonstrating to others that you're trusting God (again, manifested through your grace and love) is that it will be a powerful testimony to any unbelieving, difficult, or prodigal person in your life. A familiar verse that comes to mind is Matthew 5:16, "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven."
Finally, remember that in relation to this, faith is the only way we may do anything that will result in God being glorified and drawing others to Himself. It is referred to in 2 Thessalonians as "the work of faith:"
"To this end also we pray for you always, that our God will count you worthy of your calling, and fulfill every desire for goodness and the work of faith with power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus will be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12)
Well, that about wraps up the things I wanted to share with you today. This is a lesson that I'm asking God to reveal to me in increasing measure. I want to walk in and be filled with grace! I want my children, husband, extended family, and friends to all experience it!
If you have questions or comments I welcome them here. Or, if there is a need to speak to me privately please feel free to email. Blessings on you all this week!
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