Questions Men Really Dislike #2

My husband is a "command man." My dad, however, is not. He's more of a "steady man." (If you have no idea what I'm talking about then check out this excerpt about the three types of men from "Created to Be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl: http://nogreaterjoy.org/blogs/createdtobehishelpmeet/excerpts/.)

What I am saying is that these two men have completely different personality types - and both men, have taken offense at the next question in my "Questions Men Really Dislike" series. I am ashamed to say that sometimes I just don't remember how offensive it really is. So I write this as a reminder to myself as well. In fact, I was guilty of asking this question just the other day!

My husband was facing a dilemma at work and, of course, I had a brilliant solution. (LOL!) "Honey, why don't you just ask him to hold on to them for you while we're gone?" I suggested. When he didn't respond right away I went to work on him again, "Just tell him we'll be on vacation and you don't have time to pick those up before we leave." Hmm, still no answer but I knew he was alive because he was staring hard at those forms in front of him. Finally, in exasperation I blurted out, "Look, why should you have to give up a day of vacation to go get those?" This time I had his attention, but by the look on his reddening face, it wasn't the kind I had hoped for!

Similarly, one weekend my dad came for a visit. He's a real handyman so he kindly offered to help me with a project around the house which I had put off doing. We were having fun, one of those warm father-daughter times, until I really put my foot in my mouth. "Hey Dad!" I exclaimed, "Why are you doing it like THAT?" He paused, paintbrush in midair, and slowly replied, "Oh really? If-you're-so-smart, then why don't you just do it yourself?" Oops! I had insulted him. Big time apparently. My dad is pretty laid back for the most part, so I knew I really came off in an offensive way. In this example, my tone was all wrong; but in the recent incident with Aaron, I had actually started out in my sweet, "helpful" tone of voice. Therefore, while recognizing that tone is important, this type of question itself is one most men find offensive no matter what, because of what it implies.

Basically, when you or I ask our husband, "Why did you...?", "Why don't you...?", or "Why are you...?" it's most often interpreted by him as, "Well duh, don't you know any better than that?" Or, "Here, you're hopeless, but I can help." In reply to my badgering the other day, my husband finally sighed, "Please, if I want your help I'll ask for it." His response was actually pretty gracious considering I had just made him feel really stupid.

At the deepest level, these types of questions are tied to a husband's feelings about his wife's acceptance of him. That would include acceptance of his decisions. In their excellent book, "How to Get Your Husband to Talk to You," Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby write, "Accepting your husband is like placing him under Niagara Falls during a heat wave instead of sending him off to the Sahara desert...Most women have no idea how much this means to a man. In a nutshell, it means everything." That's a pretty big claim, but one worthy of our consideration.

So, let's do that for a moment. In asking these types of questions could we be unknowingly doing what the authors go on to state? "Sometime during their marriage a wife will begin a small makeover project - her husband. She has the best intentions in the world (emphasis mine, note my example above - I really did have 'good intentions'). A little tweak here and a little fine-tuning there would make him even better than he already is. The cost is high though. You'll end up with a husband who resists your every suggestion." This should be very sobering for us as wives. Our husbands will almost always resist our efforts to change them or tell them how things "should be" done. If they do comply with our way, it may end up being accompanied by resentment.

I don't think any of us want that for our marriage. So what can we do? The first thing is that we must resist the temptation to be quick with correction, criticism, or chiding. Remember that God's Word admonishes us, " A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike." (Proverbs 27:15) Second, despite what we may say, we need to watch the tone as well - that is often loaded with contempt, which will kill the spirit of any man.

As always, I welcome your feedback here - I'd love to here from you! Blessings on your week.