Dealing with Unforgiveness First

A strange thing happened to me last night. I was sound asleep about 3:00 a.m. when I woke up and couldn't stop thinking about this blog - and, in particular, my last post. Although I was a little foggy-headed, I suddenly realized that I needed to address the issue of forgiveness, before I could move on to standing and praying. Maybe I'm jumping ahead of myself a bit, but one wise writer wrote, "If you do not (forgive), your marriage WILL NEVER BE COMPLETELY HEALED." (Emphasis hers) That's why in my next couple posts I'm going to look at Scripture with you and glean what we can about this vital topic. I'll tell you from the outset that there is no easy pill you can take to "make you forgive" or even enable you to forgive: but let me encourage you with what God says in Zechariah 4:6, "This is the word of the LORD... saying, 'Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit'."  Trust me, though it might not seem like it to you right now if you're struggling with this issue - By His Spirit, God will empower you to forgive. The process won't be easy, but He'll be faithful to do it in you. "His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence." (2 Peter 1:3)

When it comes to dealing with unforgiveness, I could probably write a book on this topic alone! Not that I'm an expert - I'm not - but I wallowed in the mud with unforgiveness so much after Aaron's affair that it took God using some amazing circumstances to get my attention. For me the struggle wasn't with forgiving my husband - it was with the "other woman." I couldn't get past what she had done to me. While we certainly weren't good friends, we were acquainted with each other, living in the same small community. In fact, she previously had worked at a place of business I frequented and I was always friendly toward her whenever I saw her there.

However, last April when my husband stopped in to pay a bill at her new place of employment, it was as if she was "ready" for him with her coquettish smiles, compliments, and flattering words. He told me later that he was totally taken by surprise. He felt like the whole thing was planned. Even her co-worker sat there looking shocked by her "come-on." Seeing that this woman had a bad reputation, I felt enraged toward her for thinking she had a "right" to come-on to my Christian husband! Weren't there enough beer-drinking, rowdy men at the bars she hung out at to satisfy her, or what?!? On and on my angry, dark thoughts went. For months. Until God sent a most unlikely person into my life to warn me that if I didn't forgive (she actually had no idea about what was going on!), my marriage would end. While I won't go into the miraculous details of that, suffice it to say that after this event happened, I did all I could, with God's help, to work through this issue.

In this post then I'll first share with you some things forgiveness is NOT. In the second one, (Lord willing!) I'll get into what IT IS, what I learned about God through it all, and some steps you can take to let go of the past. Ready? Let's dive in and look at some things forgiveness is NOT:

Forgiveness is NOT a feeling: One thing I've come to realize is that many people equate forgiveness with a feeling. Somehow we've come to believe that we have to feel it before we can forgive. We will get into this more later, but rather than a feeling, forgiveness is a choice - a conscious decision of the will. However, at the same time - it also is NOT burying the emotions you feel in connection to the offense; those are a part of who you are and you cannot help but feel them when you've been wronged. Neil Anderson, in his book Victory Over the Darkness: Realizing the Power of Your Identity in Christ puts it this way, "Remember: it is not a sin to acknowledge the reality of your emotions. God knows exactly how you feel, whether you admit it or not. If you bury your feelings, you will bypass the possibility of forgiveness."

Forgiveness is NOT something you "can't do": Sure, if it were all up to you or me we might be able to say that! For awhile I actually thought this - that I couldn't forgive. I'd try and try, only to "fail" again and again. So I'd kick myself as I despaired of ever being able to do it. Unaware, I was falling into the first trap I mentioned above: thinking that I had to "feel" forgiving. But we serve an awesome and mighty God! Now listen to this. We already know some of the things forgiveness is, don't we? For one thing, as Bible-believing Christians we know that it's God's will. He makes no bones about that (just read Matthew 6:15). But it's worth repeating an old saying here: What God calls you to do, He'll equip you to do. If He wants you to forgive your husband, the other woman, or whomever (and He does), He will enable you to do it. Look at Hebrews 13:21 with me. It promises He will "Equip you in every good thing to do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever. Amen." While yet another great verse to meditate on and incorporate into your prayers as you ask God to help you is Philippians 2:13: "For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."

Dear Father, I thank you that You are at work in me. Please work in me now to will and to work for Your good pleasure by providing me the grace I need to forgive___________."

Forgiveness is NOT being a doormat, or a sign of weakness: On the contrary - it's a sign of a person who has been filled with God's strength because they've cried out, "(Your) strength is made perfect in (my) weakness!" (2 Corinthians 12:9) Also, consider this: would Jesus have asked God to become weak? "Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34) No! Rather, it's in God's character to be forgiving. Listen to this description of God in Numbers 14:18, "The LORD is slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness, forgiving iniquity and transgression." And there are so many more verses like it! Now, since you have been "grafted in" and have become a partaker of the divine nature (2 Peter 1:4), it's also in your character - in your new nature - to be forgiving.

Forgiveness is NOT letting that person "off the hook": Again, as I said above about it not being a feeling, this area will be one to examine in greater detail when we discuss what forgiveness is. Let me just say here that we are ALL sinners. Someday we will all stand before the throne and be judged. That person who deeply offended you will be there too. Can't you trust that God will deal with that person and their sins better than you? I'm not saying that you should want them to "pay for eternity" for what they did to you; what I am saying is that you can choose to let go and instead do what Scripture tells us in 1 Peter 4:19, "Therefore, those also who suffer according to the will of God shall entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right."

Forgiveness is NOT forgetting: For an excellent explanation of this I'll turn to "Victory Over the Darkness" again. On page 191 he says, "Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgetting may be a long-term by-product of forgiving, but it is never a means to forgiveness. When God says He will remember our sins no more (see Heb. 10:17), He is not saying "I will forget them." God is omniscient; He cannot forget. Rather, He will never use the past against us. He will remove it as far from us as the 'east is from the west' (Ps. 103:12)."

Finally, I feel I should once again tell you that if you wish you may contact me confidentially by emailing me at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. I also encourage comments here. Maybe you can add some insights into forgiveness! I'd love to hear your experiences, verses of Scripture, or anything else you might like to share.

Next time we'll dig into what forgiveness is, and hopefully discover some ways to help those of you who feel "stuck." Be encouraged that God is with you right now because He promises to never leave you nor forsake you. Blessings!