What I've Learned Through My Husband's Affair

For the last several weeks I've had a draft which I started to write that deals with abortion, but each time I go to work on it I feel "nudged" to write about my husband's affair instead. I'm not sure why that is, but if it's God then I want to be obedient!

Anyway, I think what I really want to do is share some hope through these next few posts. I can hardly believe it's already been over fourteen months since that ugly morning I found out about the other woman in my husband's life. And yet, in a good and healthy way it seems an eternity ago too. I think that's because the marriage I have now is vastly different than the relationship I had with Aaron before his affair. Vastly better! I honestly believe that this can be the outcome of anyone - man or woman - who seeks the Lord earnestly and is willing to "stand in the gap" on behalf of their marriage.

Since I tend to get a little long-winded (sorry!), I want to share the things that I've learned in the face of adultery over several posts - each week focusing on one point. At any time during this series please feel free to contact me by private email if you're in this situation and need encouragement, titus2homemaker@gmail.com. While I had wonderful, godly friends who stood by me, whose help was immeasurable, at times I really felt like I needed to talk to someone who had been there. To a woman who could relate. Since none of my friends had experienced infidelity, it was hard for them to understand the depth of what I was going through. For that I relied on books and the Internet. Later on I will share some of those resources and ministries that helped me to keep going. Right now though, I want you to know that I'm praying for those of you facing this trial who might be feeling like you can't go on another day. If I can help, it would be my pleasure to be your "listening ear," as well as a partner in the battle for your marriage.

For me, the day I found out about my husband's "friend" was one of the most painful in my life. Like many people in that circumstance, I saw the warning signs but never thought infidelity would rock my world. After all, we were Christians! We believed in commitment and the permanence of marriage. Unfortunately, words just don't mean much. Adultery does happen in Christian marriages and at an increasingly alarming rate.

In our relationship, the months prior to Aaron's revelation were very lonely ones. We had really drifted apart and spent little time with each other. I was focused on the kids while my husband seemed to grow more and more selfish. He spent a great deal of time exercising and grooming. It got to the point where he skipped family meal times so that he could go running. He spent so much time in front of the mirror that I remember thinking he was worse than a teenage girl. I felt frustrated with the lack of interest he showed the children and me, but I had no idea what to do about it. Whenever I approached him to talk he always seemed so angry. Eventually I gave up trying because I felt worse after I did. Added to all this I was insecure because his sexual desire for me had completely died as well. To help myself I tried to reason that he was probably just stressed out and tired from work. Of course, most of all, I hoped that things would get better sooner or later.

However, the thing that was really shocking, and made me feel afraid, was when he began holding views and opinions that were totally contrary to Scripture. For the first time in our seventeen year marriage he was saying things like he was sick and tired of being good and "following rules." He expressed regret for not having sown wild oats as a young man and for keeping himself sexually pure! I was hurt and bewildered by these statements; I just couldn't understand it! I remembered back to a conversation he had had with our oldest child only months before where he had shared some great nuggets of spiritual wisdom. My mind screamed out, "Could this really be the same man?!?"

After learning the truth about his affair, my husband's irrational behavior brought to light my first vital discovery: God never changes. My husband may change, but God never will. Simple enough truth, but when I grasped it in its fullness it became a soul anchor for me. Because He remains the same, you and I can rely on His faithfulness. He will not, nor can He, let us down! Our Father is our refuge. If you are experiencing the heart-wrenching trial of marital unfaithfulness, I cannot emphasize enough the primary importance of an intimate relationship with God. 

You must seek Him now in ways you may never have before; spending more time in prayer (which I will expound on more in an upcoming post) and in the Word than at any time in your Christian walk. It will also mean a radical change of perspective if He has not truly been your all-in-all. This is especially true if you have inadvertently made your husband the center of your heart and affections. You do not "...live, and move, and have (your) being," (Acts 17:28) in your spouse - you do those things in Him! Please believe this. Don't lose sight of this truth!

"In Him (you) live." First, realize your living and your life consists of more than just your marriage. If you're in the throes of adultery all you may want to do is ruminate about your spouse's behavior; but let me encourage you to get your focus on Him first, and then on all the other blessings in your life. Secondly, let me ask you a question. Does it ever hurt so bad that you have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning? It certainly did for me. But look what it says in that verse - "In Him (you)...move." Did you catch that? You move in Him. You CAN get up and get moving because you are in Christ, if He's your Savior. (If you don't know Jesus then please go to the following link which will tell you how you can: http://www.godssimpleplan.org/gsps-english.html.) Assuming however that you are, consider finally that your entire being is "in Him." A great way to meditate on this is to begin a topical study of all the verses in the New Testament which speak of being "in Christ" or "in Him." You will be really blessed!

Now, going back to my original point - there are just a TON of Scriptures that illustrate that God never changes and that He is your refuge. I truly believe the most meaningful ones to you will be those God leads you to; however, let me share just a few that really comforted me:

Deut. 31:8 - "And the LORD, He it is that doth go before thee; He will be with thee, He will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed."

Deut. 33:27 - "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms: and He shall thrust out the enemy from before you; and shall say, 'Destroy them.' "

Psalm 27 - The entire Psalm (God gave this to me on the morning I found out about the affair), but of special significance was:

Psalm 27:10 - "For my father and my mother (my husband) have (has) forsaken me, but the LORD will take me up."

Psalm 63:8 - "My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me." (I would cry out this verse over and over whenever I felt overwhelmed.)

Isaiah 54:17 - " 'No weapon that is formed against you will prosper; And every tongue that accuses you in judgment you will condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, And their vindication is from Me,' declares the LORD."

Romans 8:31 - "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?"

Colossians 3:3 - "For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God."

Next time we will dig into the second thing God showed me about Himself. It was the truth that literally saved my marriage! I can't wait to share that part of my story with you because His ways are SO AMAZING! He loves you and so do I.