Last time I shared the first part of my abortion story with you. It would be a sad tale if it ended there - just doomed to shame and silence for the rest of my life. It's true that the healing would eventually come, but in the meantime, like other women who've had abortions I learned how to "move on." Over the years, through working in ministry, I've had the privilege of knowing quite a few post-abortive women. I daresay that most of us became expert at faking our way through anything. We knew how to put on a mask; to pretend like everything was okay. During my years of silence I spent a great deal of energy suppressing thoughts about the abortion. Instead, I chose to focus on having fun. Having fun was the way I dealt with my internal conflict. However, as I said before, God had other plans for me and so my first small breakthrough occured when I became a Christian...
The summer after I graduated I was fortunate enough to get a great job as a graphic artist. For the first time I felt I had some true independence. I was making good money, had just bought my first car - a sporty little Mazda RX7 in fact - and, although I had gotten back together with John, I had noticed with increasing confidence that men at work found me attractive. These were "real men" in my mind. Men with good jobs and who were responsible. At this time I was living what I thought was the ideal modern woman lifestyle. A respectable job, a career really, lots of friends, parties, a my-way-or-the-highway attitude...in short - a feminist. As I began to realize that I could have my choice of men, I also began dressing and acting in a way that would get attention. At work, and now also at bars (having been introduced to all the places that allowed underage drinkers), I was flaunting myself. John and I were on again/off again because I was always "exploring my options," as I liked to think in those days.
Two years into this I thought about going back to school. I had been taking some classes at our local junior college, but now I felt restless. I liked school and was really into photography (back before digital!), and so I decided I would pursue a bachelors degree in photojournalism. Around the same time, I got a new boss at work who had just come from management at the Chicago Tribune. By pulling some strings, she told me she might be able to get me a job there. "Perfect," I thought, "I can work at the Tribune and attend Columbia College."
Just a couple weeks after the conversation with my boss, I was offered a position at the newspaper. Now I really was going to make good money. I even reasoned that when I got my degree perhaps I could stay on at the Trib and work for them as a photojournalist. Like frosting on the cake, my new studio apartment I planned to rent in the Hyde Park area of Chicago was really cute too. John and I had ended it for good months earlier, and so now I felt free to do whatever I wanted. Feeling positive about my future, I put in my two weeks notice.
Looking back, I know that the Lord was orchestrating events in my life even before I knew Him. This was one of those times. The two weeks were ticking down and I was growing uneasy. I arrived at work on my last day to discover that my co-workers had planned a going-away party. I was really touched. It also made what I had to do that much more difficult. But it had to be done - I needed to find out if I could still keep my job.
I waited until my boss had a free moment and asked her if we could talk. I don't recall everything about the conversation but I do remember that she was shocked and disappointed. She had put in a good word for me and now I wasn't following through. However, after giving it some serious thought, by day's end she said I could stay if that's what I wanted.
I did want to stay, but truthfully, I'm not sure I knew why I wanted to stay. In hindsight I believe that the Lord ordered my steps during this time so that His purposes would be fulfilled. I had started to casually date a Jehovah's Witness from a different department at work and, of course, he was always rattling on about that. I was getting annoyed by it. At the same time, in my own department, there were a couple of people that I knew were Christians; both were really serious about God. Where before I might have avoided them, now for some reason I felt drawn.
Over the next month or two I bombarded them both with questions about God and the Bible. Finally, the older lady, Laura, asked me if I had a Bible. When I told her I didn't she surprised me by bringing me a new Bible the next day. She instructed me to start by reading John. Embarrassed, I had to ask her what she meant. She told me it was one of the Gospels - blank stare - in the New Testament - a laugh and look of apology - finally, the truth dawned on her and she understood. I was completely Bible illiterate. With great patience she opened the Book and gently took hold of the ribbon, found the Gospel of John, and placed the bookmark there.
From that time on I read the Bible like someone starved. Every waking moment I was glued to its pages. The more I read the more I was convinced that the two people in my department had the answer, and the guy I was dating did not. Sometimes in the break room they would end up debating each other and I would listen intently, soaking it all in. During those days I was getting a real lesson in defending the faith - I just didn't know it quite yet!
Sometime around Christmas I was watching Christian TV one evening after work. A man on there was giving a testimony and asking viewers if they would also like to receive Jesus as savior. That night I prayed along with him as he lead me in a simple prayer of trust and repentance. God had really been drawing me for months and now I wept with a sense of joy and peace. I could hardly wait to see Laura the next day and tell her the good news.
When she arrived I was already there - waiting at the door of our department. "Laura, Laura! I got saved!" I cried out. "Oh praise the Lord!" she responded enthusiastically. We jumped up and down and then embraced each other. I noticed a couple of on-lookers rolled their eyes and I overheard one of them mutter with disgust, "A couple of Jesus freaks."
As the weekend drew near I was anticipating having a whole Saturday to read the Bible and pray. When the day dawned I brewed a large pot of coffee. As I began to pray it seemed the Lord wanted to speak to me about some very specific things. I spent most of the day repenting of different sins as the Lord brought them to mind. Eventually He gently nudged me about the abortion. My heart broke! I hadn't thought about that in so long! In tears I agreed with Him and confessed that my own sinful decisions had brought me to the place of having an abortion. It was not my mom's fault. It wasn't John's or anyone else's. It was mine. I had been living selfishly and the fruit of that was that I had consented to a horrific act of violence against an innocent human being - my baby. This was the first time I really allowed myself to admit the truth. I had been carrying a baby, not just a "blob of tissue;" a convenient lie used by the abortion industry to sell their services, and one perpetuated by the women themselves to soothe their consciences. I had believed a lie in order to protect myself.
I repented and asked God to forgive me. I thought of all the people I had wronged through this one sin. I went on for some time - maybe an hour or two. In the end I felt relief and assurance of His forgiveness. I was just beginning to learn something of His faithfulness and righteousness to "forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
I wish I could say that that's all it takes - just receive God's forgiveness and all will be well. It was a wonderful start to my healing; but it was just that, a start. I unknowingly thought there was nothing left to do. I didn't realize how great the "damage" really was. So I stuffed it again - this time under a Christian veneer.
In my next post I promise to get to the healing part! I had originally planned to do that in this one. However, I think the Lord wanted me to share my testimony because it's too easy as Christians to gloss over painful wounds just because we're saved now. That's in essence what I did. Yes, absolutely yes, there's healing and forgiveness in salvation. Receiving Christ is the most beautiful, wondrous thing that can ever happen to anyone. His work is all-sufficient; I don't want to diminish that. In fact, I want to glorify it and say that He came to give us freedom and truth. I know from personal experience, and from working as a leader in post-abortion Bible studies, that God wants to go much deeper and much more thoroughly than we can even imagine. When He does a healing work it's complete and whole; literally life-transforming. I've seen it happen time and again. Women are set free to become the woman God wants them to be! Next time I will show you how He brought that about in my life and give some practical first steps if you've experienced abortion and want healing.
If, however, you've had an abortion and need immediate help, please feel free to contact me. You may email me confidentially at titus2homemaker@gmail.com.
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