Patient Forgiveness - More of My Story

"Bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." Colossians 3:13

I can think of three separate instances where I've needed to develop patience in regards to forgiveness this past year and a half. All are related and each one required the same resolve; but before I tell you about that, please allow me to tell you a little more of my story. I have chosen to be very transparent here, which is hard in many ways. However,I hope that by doing so I may encourage you.

Of course, as I've mentioned numerous times, the person I had an issue with struggling to forgive was the other woman my husband had an affair with during the summer of 2009. For about 3 1/2 months I went on without any forward progress in forgiving her. It was at that time that I got a phone call from Julie who, although an acquaintance, was not a close friend of mine. She had absolutely no idea about Aaron's affair; nor could she have known I was struggling with unforgiveness, save the Lord showing her. Which is exactly what happened, through a dream she had. In this dream, Aaron and I were going through a divorce because I wouldn't forgive and had become bitter. Awaking from it, God clearly said to her, "Now call and warn her."

When she phoned that day she didn't tell me the details of the dream - just that she had had a dream. However, she did make it clear that the Lord was warning me about unforgiveness. My response to this was that I was simultaneously touched by what the Lord had done, as well as scared. I mean I literally had goosebumps! I knew that I'd been holding on to things and that I even felt justified doing it. Not long before this, my pastor had mentioned that I needed to forgive this woman. While outwardly I agreed with him, inwardly I resented it. To be really honest, though it was unreasonable, I felt like he was taking her side! Anyway, Julie and I talked at length. Gently, but firmly, she led me to see how I was allowing Satan a foothold in my life.

After we hung up I checked on the kids and made sure they would be alright a while. The rest of the morning was spent fasting and praying. I was pretty humbled at this point. Deep in my heart I knew I couldn't go on like that - hating that woman and finding it impossible to stop dwelling on the hurt she had caused, or to wish her well. I also knew that my marriage would never really heal until I forgave her. I was overcome with conviction. I asked God to forgive me of my unforgiveness and renounced my involvement with this sin. As I also told you before, from that point on I decided I would forgive this woman. Unfortunately, it was no simple task; the ol' saying "Easier said than done" would perfectly describe my internal conflict for the next couple months.

I really didn't know what to do next. So I began searching the Scriptures about forgiveness. It sounded pretty cut and dry, which honestly frustrated me. As of yet, I still lacked the understanding that it was a choice, not a feeling. I wanted to feel it! I beat myself up, over and over again, because my emotions betrayed me. I'd "forgive" (meaning that I felt good and charitable about doing it), only to "take it back" when I felt angry with her again. Back and forth, up and down, I went. Can you guess who I was growing impatient with in all this? If you guessed me, you're right! What I eventually came to learn, however, is that while forgiving is a choice, most often it takes patience in continually doing what is right, before the hurt is totally released. In a minute, I'll share something I read with you that helped me tremendously in coming to understand this.

The second thing that tried my patience was this woman herself. If you've ever had someone try to hurt you and your family in a malicious way, and then say they did nothing - then you know what I mean! Sometimes it's hard to forgive someone who asks forgiveness, but how much harder when they don't! While I'm not going to rehearse everything she did here (there's really so many different things she did to each one of my family members), the one thing I'll share with you is that she never admitted to her misconduct.

"This is the way of an adulterous woman: She eats and wipes her mouth, And says, "I have done no wrong." Proverbs 30:20

While Aaron was still involved in the affair I had thought about confronting her, but he told me it would do no good because she kept claiming she had done nothing wrong. In fact, even in the end she sent a final text message to my husband the day after he broke it off which sadly demonstrated this. I believe I can quote it verbatim: "You should keep your marriage drama to yourself and leave innocent people like me alone." Now, let me tell you that when I read this it made my blood boil! "Yeah right! Innocent people!" I seethed. What's more, she was going around telling friends of mine, those she knew were aware of her involvement with my husband, that she was "disgusted" by his behavior - coming on to her when he was married and all.

So what did I do with all that? I stayed mad - for months! Then I got the aforementioned phone call, which brought on the period of time I'm calling, "The Crisis of Forgiveness." Again, choosing to forgive her was challenging because she never asked me. I had to "bear with (her)," as it says in the above verse from Colossians, despite this. No excuses! The Lord didn't give me a "pass" from doing what's right just because this person chose not to. Once more, God in His mercy, was also using this facet of the situation to develop long-suffering and patience in me.

Well, just when you think things are getting better - BAM! No really - that's just about what it's like. You're totally broad-sided by something else. But you know what? This time it was different and the Lord had been preparing me for it. I was already well on my way to recovering from the hurt, as well as experiencing freedom through forgiveness, when another hurdle arose. This time a rumor that was startling, and perhaps the worse lie anyone had ever said about me, reached my ears. Now this same woman was telling people that she had been pursued by my husband last year, and because of that I had tried committing suicide! I was dumbfounded - nothing could have been further from the truth. The Lord had been my rock and refuge; not once had I entertained thoughts of dying.

The answer to all of this was simple; in bottom-line language it was patience. I'm reminded of when the Apostle Paul implored (begged, entreated) God three times to make his "thorn in the flesh" depart. (2 Corinthians 12:7-8) Oh how he must have bore it patiently while waiting for God to take it away! Similarly, it seemed I had to bear patiently with this woman and my own response to her - three different times. And how about you - maybe your offender has kept piling on the offenses; three, four, or perhaps even more? But wait a minute -  as we read on in that passage we see that God didn't take Paul's thorn away after all. Instead, the Lord's loving response to him was, "My grace is sufficient for you..." (verse 9). Therefore, from this we may be sure that God, through His matchless grace, supplied all Paul's need - and likewise, will supply yours and mine as well! To fulfill His purposes, He didn't take my "thorn" away; and He probably won't take yours either.

However, His grace will supply you with the power you need to grow the fruit of patience. It's possible that you may agree with this 100%, but you're wondering how you can apply this to your life in practical terms. For me, one thing I found while Googling on the Internet really helped shed light on the how-to of bearing patiently in forgiveness. Let me start with a BIG disclaimer though first! The quote I am going to share is from Rick Warren, whose theology and philosophy I completely disagree with, but whose statement ministered to me in an immense way. I actually printed it out so I could refer to it often. I hope you'll find it challenging as well:

"Every time you remember how you've been hurt, release it. It's got to be constant. When Jesus was asked how often we should forgive someone who sins against us, He said seventy times seven. Or, in other words, we just keep forgiving.

"How do you know when you've totally released the hurt? It doesn't hurt anymore. You might have to forgive someone a thousand times to make that a reality. But every time the pain comes to your mind you say, 'God, I give it to you again. For the hundredth time, Lord, I'm letting them off the hook and relinquishing my right to get even.' Every time you rehearse it, you make the pain go deeper (my emphasis). But every time you release it, the pain gets weaker in your life." - Rick Warren

So, if you're practical like me, it's simply a matter of giving it to the Lord over and over again. It's releasing and relinquishing time and again. Keep doing it and over time you will build your "forgiveness muscles." What seemed so hard will become easier. That's how it was in my life by the time I heard of the rumor going around about me. I'd already been spiritually "working out" for a while and I was able to handle this new obstacle with grace. In fact, I quickly dismissed it and didn't allow it to bother me.

Now, please look again with me at the quote above. He says, "How do you know when you've totally released the hurt? It doesn't hurt anymore." I praise God that is true! One day, several months ago, the kids and I were driving through town. We were stopped at a red light when I noticed that woman in her vehicle opposite me. It was the first time I'd seen her in a long time. I noted it in my mind, but didn't think too much of it. It wasn't until we were at the other end of town that I recognized what had happened. I saw her and had absolutely no emotional reaction to it! I was free! I truly give the Lord all the glory and credit for that.

Today, however, my heart is heavy for someone - maybe it's you, my sister in the Lord. Please know that while God did this work in me, He wants very much to do it in you also. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.''' (Jeremiah 29:11 ESV) I will be praying for you.

Next time, Lord willing, I'll finish up with this series on forgiveness. Just two more points! I've never been able to keep anything short - but I promise I'll try! Until then, "The LORD bless you, and keep you; The LORD make His face shine on you, And be gracious to you; The LORD lift up His countenance on you, And give you peace." (Numbers 6:24-26)