Surrendering in Marriage

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a
grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it
remains alone; but if it dies, IT BEARS MUCH
FRUIT." John 12:24

Lately the Lord has been impressing on my heart the verse above. I mean, really impressing. Ever since last summer, after learning of my husband's affair, I have had a thousand opportunities to put that verse to practice. I could choose to go down fighting, demanding my rights, and end up alone - or I could die to myself, giving up my rights, and see the fruit of that one way or another.

Well, you know, I went along like that for a while. It was really a time of tremendous personal growth, learning to surrender my so-called "rights". These included things like: my right to have a godly husband (which I wrote about in an earlier post), my right to be "heard" (as opposed to keeping quiet or letting it go), my right to have things my way, and my right to assert that I'm right and you're wrong! Most importantly, I began realizing that I didn't need to "win" all the time.

Then bam! I just sort of hit this brick wall about two months ago. You see, I started to revert back to old habits of thinking that I was doing more than my fair share of the relationship work. While in that state of mind I felt that I had been living very intentionally toward Aaron - for many months seeking the Lord to understand unconditional respect and applying that learning to our marriage. But then I just grew tired of doing so much. I didn't feel like giving 100% to my husband. So I succumbed to feelings, faltering temporarily, and returned to the 50/50 mentality. We each give 50% and together that equals 100! I forgot to count my blessings. I forgot that I had seen some wonderful changes - for one, my husband seemed happier and more pleased with me than he's ever been. So then, what went wrong?

Well, I just felt like my needs were going unmet. I mean, hey, aren't there two sides to the equation? LOVE and respect?!? Couldn't he be just a little more affectionate Lord? And can't he remember to say affirming words more often? These thoughts were whirling around in my head more than I'd like to admit. I knew they were selfish sounding and I was complaining, but deep down I think I felt justified. After all, hadn't I been a good wife for fighting for my marriage, forgiving my husband, and then loving him unconditionally? (More than just a little bit of pride there!) For months I had been praying, "Father, please restore our marriage a hundredfold - make it better than it ever was."

Then the Lord answered me. He gently showed me that what I was praying for was to receive a harvest. Well, yeah, I guess I have been. I didn't think of it like that though. "For the harvest to come, something must be sown," He went on. My defenses shot up! Lord! I protested, I have been sowing - it seems like all I ever do! His simple reply was, "Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and DIES, it remains alone; but IF it dies, it bears much fruit." From that moment on, that verse has been constantly coming to mind. It rings out its truth every single time I'm tempted to demand my needs be met. The Lord is faithful. He's giving me the "way of escape" (1 Cor. 10:13) from my sinful way of thinking.

Really He's asking me to take things to the next level, so to speak. I've been willing to give up many of my rights until now. But He doesn't want me to be content just living at my present level of "surrenderedness," because in truth, living at one level eventually becomes habit, and habit requires no effort. Instead you and I should be challenged by Paul's words, "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary." (Galatians 6:9)  If the good we are doing is old and habitual, not taking much effort or strength, then maybe it's time to step it up.

The Lord's asking me to do that right now. He's pleased with my willingness so far, but I've yet to give Him everything. He truly wants me to die to my needs as a wife. I really can get on without affection or affirming words from my husband. Oh, trust me - there was a time when I gobbled up all the books, Christian books, that speak of each spouse meeting the other's needs, and I'd think to myself that I just had to have that kind of marriage to be satisfied. I longed for it and would never have thought I could say the things I'm saying now. But I'm discovering a new way. The way of surrender. And that's not to say that Aaron never gives me those things either! It's just that I'm beginning to see that as I die to them, I find pleasure again in meeting his needs and in knowing that I'm pleasing God. As far as my needs go, if the Lord thinks I need anything, I have confidence that He'll supply it.

Eternal perspective. A humble attitude. These go together in marriage. Will you join me in laying your needs, rights, desires, and longings before the Lord? Can you take it to the next level and crucify them? Notice what the Scripture says - "Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies" - that grain of wheat, that's you and me; if it doesn't die, what will the result be? "It remains alone." These are sobering words. Do I want to be married, but all alone? Do you? However, we then have the wonderful promise that follows! "But IF it dies, it bears much fruit." That's it then! Isn't that what we want most of all - to die to self and live godly in a world that clamors for my needs and my rights, and to reap ripe, beautiful, and abundant fruit?

Tell me what you think, won't you? As always, I'd love to hear from you! Blessings on your week as you seek to "walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, (and) to please Him in all respects." Colossians 1:10