Understanding Grace and Our Identity in Christ

"I must be a late bloomer," my husband said to me a couple months ago. He was referring to his recent revelation of the grace of God. You see, for most of his life, from the days of growing up in a Christian home through adulthood, he struggled with feeling like he didn't amount to much in God's kingdom. He strived but felt like a failure - inadequate and overpowered by sin. He understood being saved by grace, but didn't understand being kept by grace.

From the early days of our marriage I wondered at this. I would reason that maybe because I got saved as an adult and had such a complete turnaround, it was easier for me to understand that my growth was God's work in me and not my own.  Determining last summer to truly "stand in the gap" for Aaron, one thing I prayed was that God would cause him to "(understand) the grace of God in truth." (Colossians 1:6) After some time we both started to see a difference. He would read Scripture he had probably read a thousand times before and see it in a new light. The Word was becoming alive to him!

Today my husband is delighting in sharing with me all the things God is showing him. I'm still praying though. To shrug off a spirit of bondage and walk in a spirit of liberty is a process. There's times when he's still tempted to think that he's responsible for keeping himself. Thank the Lord though for verses which remind him of the truth like John 6:44, where Jesus says, "No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him; and I will raise him up on the last day," and Philippians 2:13, "For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."

Next to the importance of understanding God's grace for a life of victory, is understanding our identity in Christ. Just yesterday I read The "Prone to Wander" Fallacy on Grace Roots and I just have to share it with you because it perfectly hits on this very thing! Please read it and then I hope you'll come back here and share your thoughts with me. Thanks!

Questions Men Really Dislike #1

Next time I'll be getting back to some thoughts for post-abortive women, but today I'd like to start a little intermittent series of posts that will deal with questions that men really dislike. Each post will feature just one question. Think of it as my feeble attempt at looking at how men and women communicate differently. Hope you enjoy!

Wife: "Are you okay?"
Husband: No answer
Wife (trying to rephrase it): "What's wrong?"
Husband hears: "What's WRONG with you!?!"
Husband (irritated): "Nothing. Now leave me alone."

Maybe you're smiling right now because you've had a similar conversation with your husband. I certainly have. First it took me years to figure out that he really meant that he wanted to be left alone after this kind of question; then it took me even longer to figure out that this was actually an insulting question to him to begin with. 

You see, when I ask my husband, "Are you okay?" it generally implies to him that he's not. Then, because I want to connect with him all the more because I'm concerned, I add insult to injury by pursuing him with more questions. The result? He's totally closed off because I'm coming across as disrespectful - hounding and nagging him until he's worn out! Of course, that isn't my intention, but from his male perspective that's just what I'm doing. The last time I forgot this and started in he finally replied, "Look, if I want you to know something, I'll tell you."

So then, next time he's quiet, or I think something's wrong, I'll give it to the Lord and ask Him to nudge my husband to talk - if it's necessary. If he doesn't talk about it, then I'll trust God to take care of it and thank Him for His peace. My husband's problem becomes my opportunity.

Here's just a fun observation on this point. Ever notice when two men greet each other? It's always goes something like this - "Hey, how's it goin'?" Or "What's up?" That's male speak; unlike female speak which typically goes, "Oh hi Susie! How are you?" Ever wonder why that is? I'm still not sure I understand but I've come to respect the difference. I love what Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs, authors of the book "Love and Respect," say about these male/female distinctions: "Not wrong, just different."

Because it perfectly demonstrates this whole issue, I'll close this post by telling you a little story. Recently, my daughter and her friend were riding scooters with a neighbor boy. He fell down and scraped his knee. While he was crying the two girls began to fawn over him and say, "Oh, are you okay?" After a moment's frustration he pleaded, "Stop saying that! I don't want you to say that!"

The funny thing is, when I told my husband what had happened he started to laugh. He said, "He sounds like me. I totally understand where he's coming from!"

Bottom line: Men really dislike the question, "Are you okay?" Ask your husband instead, "Is everything okay?" or "How are things going?" Then, if he doesn't want to talk, clothe yourself with dignity, let it go, and put it in your Father's hands.

"Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future."
Proverbs 31:25

How We End Up Idolizing Our Husbands

"My soul clings to You;

Your right hand upholds me."

Psalm 63:8

I mentioned something in my last post that I think is worth adding to a bit. I had written about four ways the Lord showed me to exercise quietness with regards to developing and demonstrating a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4). In particular I want to hit on that last one - "Keep quiet about the past." I told you how sometimes our compliments can be interpreted by our husband in a completely different way - especially if the marriage is recovering from infidelity. However, besides what I talked about last time, there is yet another aspect to our attempts at admiration, and their unintended effects, that I want to cover in this post.

When I first started reading books like "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs and "Created to be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl, I thought that the more praise I verbally laid on my husband the better. At one point, though, my husband started responding by saying that I sounded insecure. I couldn't understand this until I sought God and His word. Then I was able to realize what was in my heart and that, as a result of this, I was coming across as clingy to him.

As wives, we have the ability to tremendously bless our husbands with respect, appreciation, and admiration. But when our admiration is excessive, and they sense that they really don't measure up to it, we can send the message that we need them to be whatever it is we're praising them for. We become clingy. An example of this is when I was telling Aaron (often, but in various ways) that he was becoming a godly man and I was proud of him. Nothing wrong with that, right? That's what I thought until, in the process of seeking the Lord, He showed me that I was needing my husband to be godly. I was placing something (or someone) before my need for the Lord.

In her excellent book, "Idols of the Heart: Learning to Long for God Alone" by Elyse Fitzpatrick, she relates this: "What must I have for life to be meaningful or happy? If I answer that question with anything other than God Himself, then that's what functions as a god for me." So had I taken my eyes off the Lord and onto my husband to the point where I had crossed over into idolatry? I believe that is exactly what had happened! Without fully realizing it, I felt I must have a godly husband for my life to be meaningful.

During last summer, when our marriage was breaking apart, it was easy to keep my focus on God. I say "easy" because all I had left was Him, and so I held on to Him for all I was worth. Prayer literally became my lifeline; Scripture my food and drink. I recited Psalm 63:8 (above) over and over in desperate moments throughout those dark days. So look with me then, if you will, a little closer at Psalm 63.

Psalm 63 is a psalm of praise. In verse 5 David says, "...My mouth offers praises with joyful lips." Reading on, in verse 7 he gives God the glory for being his help. Finally, in verse 8 David cries out that his soul clings to (God), and he then praises (appreciates, admires) Him for upholding him with His right hand. Do you see the pattern? Praising and clinging. They naturally go together. That's because in his praising, David was simultaneously expressing his need for God.  He needed and clung to no other. In the same way, our praising and clinging should also be for Him, and Him alone. 


To be clear - it is good for us as wives to praise and compliment our husbands - but we should never allow it to also become clinginess. We do not place our lives, our hope, or our security in our husbands - to do so would be idolatry. Therefore, we need to be on guard that this doesn't happen unconsciously as it did to me.

Now, here's the really interesting part. As I said before, despite our good intentions, if our compliments are too often, not timely and appropriate, many times our husbands will feel like we need them to be something. If that happens, they may come to believe that we really don't like them for who they are. In the "maleness" of their mind, the need to be something begins to translate into the need to do or fix something about themselves.

So if they're being hammered with a particular compliment or praise, it's quite possible for them to become irritated because of a sense of underlying pressure. In either scenario, at the very root of the issue would be the feeling that their wife disrespects them. Truth be told, I feel that I caused this to happen in my own marriage a great deal in the past. Unfortunately, when we wives are guilty of this it is the exact opposite of what we are commanded in Scripture to do toward our husbands:

"And the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:33

The best way I can help you understand this is to illustrate it. So let's say you're a seamstress. Someone comes to your home while you're working and throws a jacket with a big rip in it down on your sewing table. With a shrug and a smile they say, "You're such a great seamstress."  At first you're flattered and so you set to work. Five days later, with each day bringing more of the same, you start to feel disrespected. Never once have they actually directly asked you to do something, but the pressure is there just as if they had. 


Now, when you see this person and they only mention that they think you're a great seamstress, you would rightly feel like they might be looking for you to fix something for them. Now, maybe this is not the best analogy, but I hope it helps a little. Men think differently than we do. Their minds go to how to fix things, people, and situations. When we compliment too often, do we appear to be hinting that they need to do this? If we really allow God to search our hearts, do we find our "admiration" to be just another subtle form of manipulation? Ouch! I know this one hurts because I've been there!

My suggestion - and this is what I've been learning in my own experience - is to compliment your husband when it's appropriate to the situation. For example, if Aaron just played with our daughter and made her feel special, I tell him what a great dad he is. I acknowledge what he did, rather than complimenting him out of the blue and making him feel like I want him to do something. If your husband is like mine, he will really love being acknowledged. Then, along with your appreciation for specific things, sprinkle in some sincere admiration - "Those new pants look great on you" - and he'll feel like a million bucks!

"Like apples of gold in settings of silver,
Is a word spoken in right circumstances."
Proverbs 25:11