Since I've been talking about adultery for some time here, it begs a very important question: Does Scripture allow divorce in the case of adultery? I cannot deny that the short answer is 'yes.' There are, in fact, two "Biblical grounds" for divorce named in the Bible:
1.) Sexual sin (the Greek word 'porneia' meaning "fornication, whoredom, idolatry"), as mentioned by Jesus in Matthew 19:9
2.) Abandonment by an unbelieving spouse, spoken of by Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16
For now we'll focus only on the first one. I can't stress how important it is to not run with this exception and think that Jesus was actually approving of divorce. Rather, we should take Matthew 19:9 in context of the passage and look at what He said just prior to this statement about sexual sin. Here's what verse 8 says,
"He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way." Matthew 19:8
There are two things I believe we must pull from this verse. First, Moses "permitted." It does not say "excused" or "overlooked." It certainly does not mean that he permitted as in "was lenient with" either. No, instead we must acknowledge that Moses, as mediator between the people and God, had to constantly contend with sinful mankind and their "hardness of heart." Therefore, while it was God who instituted marriage, it was man who instituted divorce.
Secondly, go back with me for a moment to the definition of "loophole." It refers to the law's intention. In the case of divorce, we need to understand that divorce was never God's intention or His best. "But from the beginning it has not been this way," our verse above says. And another: "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6) We may say then that Jesus, rather than condoning it or putting His stamp of approval on it, was trying in this passage to reiterate to His listeners that God never meant for the covenant of marriage to be broken. (Interestingly enough it was the Pharisees, who Jesus strongly condemned for their spiritual hardness [Matthew 23:1-35], who were listening as He responded to a question about divorce). The reason for this is because marriage is more than just flowery words said in front of a group of witnesses. To borrow a phrase from our 21st century Christian culture - It's a GOD-THING!
To summarize then, we must acknowledge that divorce is allowable, as regulated by Scripture. However, because God regulates it does not mean that He likes it. In fact, God used strong words in Malachi 2:16 to describe His feelings about divorce: " 'For I hate divorce,' says the LORD, the God of Israel, 'and him who covers his garment with wrong,' says the LORD of hosts. 'So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.' "
Therefore, don't be deceived - God hates divorce. He hates the sin that is involved even in Biblical divorce.
Marriage as a Covenant
Many people, myself included, when they entered into marriage viewed it as a type of contract. Since I'm into definitions today I'll give you the one for "contract" from a legal dictionary: "An agreement with specific terms between two or more persons or entities in which there is a promise to do something in return for a valuable benefit, known as consideration." Now that's about perfect for describing how a lot of people think about marriage! I promise to do certain things for you, but in return I also expect to receive certain things.
Notice another thing - our definition says that a contract is an agreement between "two or more people." If I see marriage as merely a contract, then because it's only my spouse and I who promise to do something for each other, I will naturally conclude that our union is just between the two of us. By default this viewpoint excludes from the picture the very One who created marriage and can, therefore, heal and restore it.
Take now, however, the idea that marriage is a covenant. We may ask, how is this perspective different from seeing it as merely a contract? What difference does it make? While a whole book could be written on this subject, let me state just a few things:
1.) Actually, the word "covenant" is used only once in the Bible in regards to marriage: "Yet you say, 'For what reason?' Because the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant." (Malachi 2:14) The pattern for most Biblical covenants included and defined the duties and responsibilities each party was expected to perform. Therefore, in the context of these parameters, it makes sense that marriage is here referred to as a "covenant." Otherwise, how could God accuse this one of dealing "treacherously" against his wife - unless there was an understood set of duties he was to perform in relation to that wife, and had failed?
2.) While a "contract marriage" is understood as being between two people, a "covenant marriage" is understood as being between three. We have no further to look than the Book of Genesis for this pattern to be demonstrated. Here we find God presenting Eve to Adam - a picture of the marriage ideal. Three are involved - husband, wife, and God.
Additionally, another verse which furthers this notion of God giving a woman to her husband is Proverbs 19:14, "House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the LORD."
3.) Not only does the Bible begin with the scene of marriage, it ends with it, too. As stated previously, in the opening chapters of Genesis we see the marriage of Adam and Eve. In the Book of Revelation we see the marriage of Christ and His bride, the Church. Here, much like God presenting Eve to Adam, we have the Church as a gift of the Father to the Son. Together these two marriages form a picture of the story of redemption, so that the entire Bible seems to enfold itself around the beauty of the marriage covenant.
4.) In the culture of the ancient Jews, the marriage covenant had two parts - the betrothal and the actual completed marriage. During the betrothal, what we now call the engagement period, the bride was considered married but not yet taken to her husband's home. This is the stage of marriage the Church is currently in with relationship to Christ. The Apostle Paul stated, "For I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy; for I betrothed you to one husband, so that to Christ I might present you as a pure virgin." (2 Corinthians 11:2)
The consummation of the marriage took place later and denoted the Hebrew concept of "lifting up;" hence the custom of "lifting the veil," and carrying the bride across the threshold. For the Church, this "lifting up" will take place at the second coming of Christ.
Think with me for a moment of the kind of words Jesus used in John 14:2-3: "In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also." These are most certainly marriage words!
Therefore, rightly understood, marriage between a man and woman is actually an earthly representation of the covenant between Christ and the Church. This idea of marriage as a covenant is the entire reason I told you in an earlier post that I cried out to God during my husband's adultery, "Lord, please save our marriage and our family! This is Your little family!" I entrusted to God the relationship He Himself had brought about.
God is a Covenant-Keeping God
This brings me to my next point and will make everything I've shared applicable to our lives. Hopefully it will also give you some food for thought if you're currently struggling through this issue of divorce following adultery.
So for starters I'll state that God is a covenant-keeper. Here are just a handful of verses for proof (there are many, many more!):
"Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." (Genesis 28:15)
"God is not a man, that He should lie, Nor a son of man, that He should repent; Has He said, and will He not do it? Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?" (Numbers 23:19)
"Know therefore that the LORD your God, He is God, the faithful God, who keeps His covenant and His lovingkindness to a thousandth generation with those who love Him and keep His commandments." (Deuteronomy 7:9)
"Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass." (1 Thessalonians 5:24)
"If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself." (2 Timothy 2:13)
With these thoughts of God's faithfulness in mind, I will tell you that although I sometimes faltered in clinging to the Biblical understanding of marriage, ultimately I asked myself this question: Should I be looking for the "out," or looking to "stick it out?" This was an important question. It was tempting to want to take the "easy" way out. In my case the question was of particular significance because my husband's affair was an emotional affair. There was no physical, sexual sin to speak of. In order to Biblically justify divorcing my husband I really had to go in search of loopholes in the Matthew text. If you'll remember, the Greek word Jesus used there was "porneia." Could emotional adultery be included in the broader context of this word?
For a short time I found myself pouring over Greek lexicons, commentaries, and articles addressing this issue. It was a tough thing to sort out. But then one day, it was like a brick to the head! I thought, Why am I doing this?!
The simple fact remained: God is a covenant-keeper. Am I to be like the world - looking for the loopholes, trying to circumvent the law (in this case God's Law)? Or am I to be like God - who keeps His "end of the deal," even when we don't?
Now, let me bring us back to the present. Dear sister, does being like God sound scary and difficult? That's because it is! It's never easy to follow Christ and He never promised it would be. Listen to what our Lord says in Luke 9:23, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me."
In a word, we need to seek the heart of God in this matter. When we do, we really cannot come to any conclusion other than this: While sometimes divorce may be Biblical, it is NEVER desirable! The road to healing our marriage may be hard, but then, the high road always is.
Is There Any Hope?
Let me state emphatically that just as divorce is not desirable, neither is it inevitable. God is able to bring your adulterous husband to repentance; and wherever there is genuine repentance there is hope. At that point, if both spouses are willing to do the hard work of reconciliation, the marriage has a chance to survive as each one submits to the Lord.
Unfortunately though, there are many obstacles that either or both parties in this situation may face. I've been discussing some of them here these last few weeks. To recap, I've mentioned three "D"s - disillusionment, discouragement, and deception. If entertained they can keep us from moving forward in that process. Not only that, but if any of these are allowed to run their natural course it's entirely possible they may actually propel an individual to file for divorce, bringing the reconciliation and healing of that couple to a grinding halt.
Oftentimes, the reason the struggle with these things gets out of hand is because they are carefully hidden from others. They are kept secret. This is why we really need other believers, and especially the accountability we get from those relationships. This reminds me of how sad it is to be acquainted with a Christian couple in a troubled marriage who "appeared" to finally be moving in the right direction when, all of a sudden, we hear that they're actually divorcing.
Sadly, I know of one such couple. They stayed together for over a year after the husband's infidelity was discovered. They seemed to be working on their marriage, but apparently there were some deep issues that were not really dealt with. However, I believe beyond that, that the real bottom line wasn't the issues, but that they lacked true commitment. Just remember, issues can be dealt with. Couples can learn to relate to each other in new ways. Old hurts can give way to renewed love. Yes, all this can happen because of God.
"Looking at them, Jesus said, 'With people it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God.' " (Mark 10:27)
So I submit that had this couple had the proper foundation of seeing their marriage as a covenant, their God as a covenant-keeping God, and their purpose as one of following His example, their story may have had a different outcome. And this brings me back full circle to the question I opened with: Does Scripture allow divorce in the case of adultery? I think we've seen that it does. At the same time, however, wouldn't it be just like the enemy of our soul to lead you or I, through the subtle power of deception, to forget that it's not God's best and we don't have to divorce? We do, in fact, have a choice; but so often Satan makes us think we don't!
Friend, if you're facing your spouse's infidelity and thinking about divorce, please, proceed with much caution. Just because in your situation divorce may be Biblical, that does not make it desirable. I encourage you to seek God's heart in the matter. Also, be careful not to isolate yourself (when the enemy has the best opportunity of influencing you), but find a godly prayer partner, or several, who will keep confidences. Most important, be honest with them about your struggles and concerns. Keep in mind that Proverbs 11:14 says, "...but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety."
If you'd like to email me privately please feel free to contact me at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you! May the Lord send out His light and His truth to each one this week!
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