Obstacles to Healing - Part 5: Dismay & How to Prevent Future Affairs

"How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,

Nor stand in the path of sinners,

Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!

But his delight is in the law of the LORD,

And in His law he meditates day and night."

Psalm 1:1-2

Dismay. Was that the "D' word you were expecting? Perhaps not, but maybe you'll understand why I chose it when I express in a moment some common questions experienced by betrayed spouses. Most often these questions come on the heel of our decision to stay in the marriage and "work it out." But the problem is, we don't know how to work it out! We wonder what that looks like. We ask ourselves: Where do we go from here? What should I do? And, if I may be totally honest - What can we do to prevent this from happening again?!

Actually, for me, it was this last question that plagued me. It felt unacceptable not to have a plan in place to keep my husband accountable. I was frightened and insecure. Most of all, I didn't want to experience the pain of adultery again so I thought we needed something that would reassure me it would not happen a second time. Really, what I wanted was a guarantee. 

So I began to research. Not the Bible, but other "sources." Though I was a bit skeptical, I read books about infidelity and affairs written by secular authors, as well as their websites. For some reason I had a really hard time finding books with solid Biblical advice regarding this issue; but I was desperate for answers so I devoured just about everything I bought or read. Finally I ended up ordering a book that I thought was Christian (its author claimed to be a Christian), but sadly its advice contained the same elements as that of the worldly-minded "affair experts." None the less, I bought into it.


Basically, the idea behind the advice was that the only way to prevent a future affair was to be completely, 100% honest about the attractions we feel for other people. In the eyes of the affair experts its a natural part of life to feel attracted to people other than our spouse. The important thing is to discuss them with our husband or wife so that they don't remain secret. It's the secrecy that's dangerous. However, if these attractions are brought into the light, and we're honest about them, it diffuses their power and prevents us from acting on them. Then we can talk about what's wrong in our relationship and why we're feeling attracted to another person.


Well, on the surface this sounds like good advice. In a way, it even seems to line up with the Bible. After all, doesn't His Word tell us to be honest? Doesn't it warn us against secret things? "Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts." (1 Corinthians 4:5) 


On the other hand, after deeper inspection, I think we'll conclude that there are several things wrong with this advice. To get a handle on this though, I'd like to start by distinguishing between man's wisdom and God's wisdom. Or as Scripture refers to them - the wisdom which "descendeth not from above" (James 3:15), versus "the wisdom that is from above." (James 3:17) 

Man's Wisdom Leaves God Out

Of man's wisdom the Bible says this: "This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic." The King James Version puts it, "...earthly, sensual, devilish." (James 3:15) In stark contrast, God's wisdom is defined this way: "But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy." (James 3:17) 


By just this quick glance we see how vastly different they are from one another. However, I'd like to draw special attention to one of the words which describes earthly wisdom - "natural;" or as the King James more graphically renders it - "sensual." Now, let the meaning of those words sink in for a moment. Then compare it with the picture you get for the word that is associated with God's wisdom, which is "pure."


On just the strength of comparison between these two words, we'll see in a minute just how far (and how fast!) we should run from any advice that encourages natural thinking. So let's begin by looking a little deeper at this first word. It's the Greek psuchikos. I've already said that it's been translated as "natural" or "sensual" in this passage from James. In a short sense it means "animal, natural, sensuous." The Lockman Foundation describes it as "worldy-minded," while Strong's Exhaustive Concordance goes a bit further and says that it refers to that which is of the "lower or bestial nature." Finally, and perhaps most helpful, the Helps Word-Studies notes this definition for psuchikos: "Soulish, i.e. what is natural, as it relates to physical (tangible) life alone (i.e. apart from God's inworking of faith)." 


So, from this last definition we could certainly say that earthly wisdom leaves God out. It excludes God from the picture. Remember I said a few moments ago that the advice I received "sounded good" on the surface? As I look back now, I believe this was because earthly, or man's wisdom, will always place an emphasis on natural man - what "feels good" or "seems right" to man. This is seen in the Bible where it says, "There is a way which seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death." (Proverbs 16:25) This "way" ascends no higher than our own human reasoning and attempts to work "apart from God's inworking of faith," as we saw above. Therefore, at least in the beginning of our marriage reconciliation, this "wisdom" appealed to me because it appealed to my flesh.


Here's the problem then as I stated before - this advice totally left God out of the loop. If you or I are going to attempt to prevent another affair from happening in our marriage by having our husband tell us about every attraction he feels for another woman, or vice versa, we make no room for God's working. I've made a diagram here to demonstrate this. 

In this diagram we see that there is an exchange between husband and wife. He tells me when he feels a pull toward someone else, as do I. Yes, we may be honest with each other, but we haven't invited God into our situation, nor have we dealt with the underlying heart issues. A couple verses come to mind in regards to this. The first one, in contrast to this advice, stresses the importance of asking God into every detail of our life:

"In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight." 

Proverbs 3:6

Notice the if/then relationship in this verse. If we acknowledge Him, then will He respond by making our paths straight. Or, maybe I should paraphrase in the context of what we've been talking about and say that God will make things go right in our marriage, when we seek to do things His way.

The second verse discusses how God views man's wisdom:

"Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?" 1 Corinthians 1:20

From the Lord's perspective, the wisdom of the wisest man is but foolishness - it's nonsense! Everything God has revealed through the Bible, however, has been for the purpose of showing us a better way. HIS way. Ever since the fall, man has always attempted to live apart from God, coming to inadequate conclusions about how to deal with the hard things of life.


So let's bring that right down to how to handle the issue of preventing a future affair from happening. Should we rely on man's wisdom, or does God's Word address this concern? Let me tell you that it most definitely does (which we'll soon discover), and stress here that unless we go to God with our marriage and our family, we will be assured of nothing! However, if we go to God, allowing Him to build our marriage and our family, we can be confident of success. While I'm sure you're familiar with it, here's a wonderful verse to illustrate my point:

"Unless the LORD builds the house, They labor in vain who build it; Unless the LORD guards the city, The watchman keeps awake in vain." Psalm 127:1

Focuses on the Natural Man

So, while the first problem with the advice from the affair experts is that it leaves God out of our marriage and out of the (re)building process; the second major problem is the emphasis on the natural man. We should recognize that it gives inappropriate place, and value, to the carnal nature. 

Someone might wonder, how so? Well, let's look at what the affair experts say. They advise us to tell our spouse when we're feeling attracted to someone else... Please! If it's gotten that far it's become more than a passing glance at an attractive person. (Which is normal, by the way!) Of course we're going to notice a handsome man or beautiful woman. We can't deny that. Additionally, it's not sinful to notice physically attractive people because we're apt to acknowledge it and then give little additional thought to the matter. "Oh, there's a handsome man. That's nice."

But that's not what they're talking about. What the affair experts mean is an attraction that goes beyond just thinking someone looks good. They mean a dangerous attraction - a desire to get to know that person more. A natural pull, they would call it, toward someone other than our husband or wife. While the secular mind recognizes that such an attraction is a threat to the marriage, it excludes recognition of the process that brought a person to that place. "Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death." (James 1:15) To unbelievers, such things as this just naturally occur. Denying that it's actually sin, however, means their proposed "solution" is completely inadequate. It lacks the power of God, through the Holy Spirit, to defeat sin at its root. 


So, while as Christians we can't deny that such attractions do happen, we must ask relevant questions. First, what can we find in the Scriptures that would address this issue? And second, what can we do to prevent initial attractions from developing into those that can lead to adultery? 

• First things first! On the issue of when we first recognize that we're becoming attracted to another person how about applying this verse: "The prudent (man) sees the evil and hides himself, but the naive go on, and are punished for it." (Proverbs 22:3)
• What does it mean that the prudent man "hides himself?" First, if possible, it's wise to physically get away from that person. In other words, don't shop the store where he's employed, or visit the gym where he works out. Think of Joseph and Potiphar's wife. Now, while most of the time we think only of the part where Joseph runs away from her and she grabs his tunic, do you realize that he was already behaving wisely toward her before this? Genesis 39:10 tells us in the New Living Translation (which I don't normally use but is really helpful here), "She kept putting pressure on Joseph day after day, but he refused to sleep with her, and he kept out of her way as much as possible." Wow! I feel like shouting, "Yes! Way to go Joseph!" Despite his youth and inexperience with women, he prudently avoided her as much as he could.
• Second, a really good answer to how a man hides himself is that he begins by protecting his heart - the place where Jesus said all sin, including adultery, begins. (Matthew 15:19) A good verse to meditate on, therefore, is Proverbs 4:23, "Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life." 
• How can I do this? How can I watch over my heart? My friend, it's the thoughts we allow ourselves to entertain in our heart that get us into trouble. So consider this verse: "We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5)
• Instead of just "putting off" those sinful thoughts, we need to then also "put on" godly thoughts: "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." (Philippians 4:8) And, "O LORD, who may abide in Your tent? Who may dwell on Your holy hill? He who walks with integrity, and works righteousness, And speaks truth in his heart." (Psalm 15:1-2)

Arouses to Sin

"Fine, fine, fine!" I can hear someone reading this say. "I agree with all that, but it wasn't ME who had an affair!" Okay, fair enough. So are you saying that you can only watch your heart and take your thoughts captive, but that won't make your spouse do those things, or keep him from having another affair?! 

Well friend, you're right - it won't. In fact, you can do nothing at all to keep your spouse from having another affair. If any person (including your husband) is bent toward sin, and not God, it won't matter that he has "accountability." Forced into it and without truly having a desire for it or the things of God, there's a good chance that person may lie just to avoid getting into "trouble." In fact, let me be so bold to say that without feeling the freedom to choose whether to be accountable and faithful, a spouse may be more tempted than ever to cheat. A verse of Scripture that bears this out is Romans 7:5, "For while we were in the flesh, the sinful passions, which were aroused by the Law, were at work in the members of our body to bear fruit for death." 


Next to the Bible the best thing I've read about this concept of the law, or (in a similar sense here) forced accountability, arousing a person to sin is a quote from John MacArthur. He stated, "Nothing is more appealing to sinful man than to do something that is expressly forbidden. Simply tell people what they cannot do and they will rush to disobey."


Think with me a moment about young adult children of Christian parents who were well-behaved, church-going children while growing up; yet who left home and completely rejected the Christian lifestyle. Oftentimes we're surprised when this happens. But really, think about it. While still at home their parents acted as a "restraining force;" but once out from under dad and mom's authority, they go the way of the world because they never really knew Christ. Instead of being restrained by the Holy Spirit, these children had only their parents to restrain them from sin. They experienced "law," but never received grace. "But now we have been released from the Law, having died to that by which we were bound, so that we serve in newness of the Spirit and not in oldness of the letter." (Romans 7:6)


So, here's a couple questions for you. Do you believe in laying down "the law" with your husband? Do you think that by encouraging him to think about what women he finds attractive, and telling you about it, you may act as a "restraining force?" Think about that and then answer this question: Do you really want the responsibility of trying to control your husband for the rest of your life?


These are important questions, dear sister! Oh, how I struggled with this! I wanted to control things, but I got so exhausted trying!

So What Can We do?

Let me give you some things you can do that will make life a little easier and more enjoyable in the long run. These are some Biblical actions you can actually begin to take right now toward preventing future affairs. What's more, you'll grow and mature as a Christian first, and then as a wife.

1.) Trust God. Give your spouse to the Lord. "How blessed is the man who has made the LORD his trust, And has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood." (Psalm 40:4) And, "Blessed is the man that trusteth in the LORD, and whose hope the LORD is." (Jeremiah 17:7)

2.) Pray. Give this concern to the Lord. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

3.) Become an outstanding and fascinating woman who pleases God, and inspires her husband to love and cherish his wife. You may do this by... A) Asking God for insight...B) Considering how to provoke him to love and good works. (Hebrews 10:24)... C) Learning what the Bible says about being an excellent wife. The Lord willing, this will be the subject for my next post!

You want to know the really neat thing? Remember the diagram above? It showed us how the advice of the "affair experts" left God out of the picture. However, allow me to encourage you that when you Trust God, Pray, and Become an outstanding and fascinating woman, you'll be inviting the Lord into your marriage. You'll discover the wellspring of His wisdom! The diagram below will now illustrate for us what a marriage characterized by seeking God, gaining wisdom, and applying that wisdom to the relationship should look like.

Now, looking at this diagram you may be tempted to think that this only works when both parties are seeking God. Conventional, or should I say "worldly" wisdom, would certainly tell us that. Next time, though, I hope to convince you by my personal experience that a marriage can be turned around by just one spouse willing to do the right thing. I DO NOT say this to credit myself because for far too many years I sought to do my own thing, and have my own way. Instead I give God all the glory for what He has done in my heart, and in fact is still doing! I have such a long way to go!!

Let's go back to the beginning of this post. Are you dismayed my friend? Are you afraid, not sure whether you can live without being assured of your husband's future faithfulness? Please, don't be. Don't live in fear. Remember that God has not given you "the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7) Go in God's peace today. See you back soon!