Patient Forgiveness - More of My Story

"Bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." Colossians 3:13

I can think of three separate instances where I've needed to develop patience in regards to forgiveness this past year and a half. All are related and each one required the same resolve; but before I tell you about that, please allow me to tell you a little more of my story. I have chosen to be very transparent here, which is hard in many ways. However,I hope that by doing so I may encourage you.

Of course, as I've mentioned numerous times, the person I had an issue with struggling to forgive was the other woman my husband had an affair with during the summer of 2009. For about 3 1/2 months I went on without any forward progress in forgiving her. It was at that time that I got a phone call from Julie who, although an acquaintance, was not a close friend of mine. She had absolutely no idea about Aaron's affair; nor could she have known I was struggling with unforgiveness, save the Lord showing her. Which is exactly what happened, through a dream she had. In this dream, Aaron and I were going through a divorce because I wouldn't forgive and had become bitter. Awaking from it, God clearly said to her, "Now call and warn her."

When she phoned that day she didn't tell me the details of the dream - just that she had had a dream. However, she did make it clear that the Lord was warning me about unforgiveness. My response to this was that I was simultaneously touched by what the Lord had done, as well as scared. I mean I literally had goosebumps! I knew that I'd been holding on to things and that I even felt justified doing it. Not long before this, my pastor had mentioned that I needed to forgive this woman. While outwardly I agreed with him, inwardly I resented it. To be really honest, though it was unreasonable, I felt like he was taking her side! Anyway, Julie and I talked at length. Gently, but firmly, she led me to see how I was allowing Satan a foothold in my life.

After we hung up I checked on the kids and made sure they would be alright a while. The rest of the morning was spent fasting and praying. I was pretty humbled at this point. Deep in my heart I knew I couldn't go on like that - hating that woman and finding it impossible to stop dwelling on the hurt she had caused, or to wish her well. I also knew that my marriage would never really heal until I forgave her. I was overcome with conviction. I asked God to forgive me of my unforgiveness and renounced my involvement with this sin. As I also told you before, from that point on I decided I would forgive this woman. Unfortunately, it was no simple task; the ol' saying "Easier said than done" would perfectly describe my internal conflict for the next couple months.

I really didn't know what to do next. So I began searching the Scriptures about forgiveness. It sounded pretty cut and dry, which honestly frustrated me. As of yet, I still lacked the understanding that it was a choice, not a feeling. I wanted to feel it! I beat myself up, over and over again, because my emotions betrayed me. I'd "forgive" (meaning that I felt good and charitable about doing it), only to "take it back" when I felt angry with her again. Back and forth, up and down, I went. Can you guess who I was growing impatient with in all this? If you guessed me, you're right! What I eventually came to learn, however, is that while forgiving is a choice, most often it takes patience in continually doing what is right, before the hurt is totally released. In a minute, I'll share something I read with you that helped me tremendously in coming to understand this.

The second thing that tried my patience was this woman herself. If you've ever had someone try to hurt you and your family in a malicious way, and then say they did nothing - then you know what I mean! Sometimes it's hard to forgive someone who asks forgiveness, but how much harder when they don't! While I'm not going to rehearse everything she did here (there's really so many different things she did to each one of my family members), the one thing I'll share with you is that she never admitted to her misconduct.

"This is the way of an adulterous woman: She eats and wipes her mouth, And says, "I have done no wrong." Proverbs 30:20

While Aaron was still involved in the affair I had thought about confronting her, but he told me it would do no good because she kept claiming she had done nothing wrong. In fact, even in the end she sent a final text message to my husband the day after he broke it off which sadly demonstrated this. I believe I can quote it verbatim: "You should keep your marriage drama to yourself and leave innocent people like me alone." Now, let me tell you that when I read this it made my blood boil! "Yeah right! Innocent people!" I seethed. What's more, she was going around telling friends of mine, those she knew were aware of her involvement with my husband, that she was "disgusted" by his behavior - coming on to her when he was married and all.

So what did I do with all that? I stayed mad - for months! Then I got the aforementioned phone call, which brought on the period of time I'm calling, "The Crisis of Forgiveness." Again, choosing to forgive her was challenging because she never asked me. I had to "bear with (her)," as it says in the above verse from Colossians, despite this. No excuses! The Lord didn't give me a "pass" from doing what's right just because this person chose not to. Once more, God in His mercy, was also using this facet of the situation to develop long-suffering and patience in me.

Well, just when you think things are getting better - BAM! No really - that's just about what it's like. You're totally broad-sided by something else. But you know what? This time it was different and the Lord had been preparing me for it. I was already well on my way to recovering from the hurt, as well as experiencing freedom through forgiveness, when another hurdle arose. This time a rumor that was startling, and perhaps the worse lie anyone had ever said about me, reached my ears. Now this same woman was telling people that she had been pursued by my husband last year, and because of that I had tried committing suicide! I was dumbfounded - nothing could have been further from the truth. The Lord had been my rock and refuge; not once had I entertained thoughts of dying.

The answer to all of this was simple; in bottom-line language it was patience. I'm reminded of when the Apostle Paul implored (begged, entreated) God three times to make his "thorn in the flesh" depart. (2 Corinthians 12:7-8) Oh how he must have bore it patiently while waiting for God to take it away! Similarly, it seemed I had to bear patiently with this woman and my own response to her - three different times. And how about you - maybe your offender has kept piling on the offenses; three, four, or perhaps even more? But wait a minute -  as we read on in that passage we see that God didn't take Paul's thorn away after all. Instead, the Lord's loving response to him was, "My grace is sufficient for you..." (verse 9). Therefore, from this we may be sure that God, through His matchless grace, supplied all Paul's need - and likewise, will supply yours and mine as well! To fulfill His purposes, He didn't take my "thorn" away; and He probably won't take yours either.

However, His grace will supply you with the power you need to grow the fruit of patience. It's possible that you may agree with this 100%, but you're wondering how you can apply this to your life in practical terms. For me, one thing I found while Googling on the Internet really helped shed light on the how-to of bearing patiently in forgiveness. Let me start with a BIG disclaimer though first! The quote I am going to share is from Rick Warren, whose theology and philosophy I completely disagree with, but whose statement ministered to me in an immense way. I actually printed it out so I could refer to it often. I hope you'll find it challenging as well:

"Every time you remember how you've been hurt, release it. It's got to be constant. When Jesus was asked how often we should forgive someone who sins against us, He said seventy times seven. Or, in other words, we just keep forgiving.

"How do you know when you've totally released the hurt? It doesn't hurt anymore. You might have to forgive someone a thousand times to make that a reality. But every time the pain comes to your mind you say, 'God, I give it to you again. For the hundredth time, Lord, I'm letting them off the hook and relinquishing my right to get even.' Every time you rehearse it, you make the pain go deeper (my emphasis). But every time you release it, the pain gets weaker in your life." - Rick Warren

So, if you're practical like me, it's simply a matter of giving it to the Lord over and over again. It's releasing and relinquishing time and again. Keep doing it and over time you will build your "forgiveness muscles." What seemed so hard will become easier. That's how it was in my life by the time I heard of the rumor going around about me. I'd already been spiritually "working out" for a while and I was able to handle this new obstacle with grace. In fact, I quickly dismissed it and didn't allow it to bother me.

Now, please look again with me at the quote above. He says, "How do you know when you've totally released the hurt? It doesn't hurt anymore." I praise God that is true! One day, several months ago, the kids and I were driving through town. We were stopped at a red light when I noticed that woman in her vehicle opposite me. It was the first time I'd seen her in a long time. I noted it in my mind, but didn't think too much of it. It wasn't until we were at the other end of town that I recognized what had happened. I saw her and had absolutely no emotional reaction to it! I was free! I truly give the Lord all the glory and credit for that.

Today, however, my heart is heavy for someone - maybe it's you, my sister in the Lord. Please know that while God did this work in me, He wants very much to do it in you also. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.''' (Jeremiah 29:11 ESV) I will be praying for you.

Next time, Lord willing, I'll finish up with this series on forgiveness. Just two more points! I've never been able to keep anything short - but I promise I'll try! Until then, "The LORD bless you, and keep you; The LORD make His face shine on you, And be gracious to you; The LORD lift up His countenance on you, And give you peace." (Numbers 6:24-26)

Healing Your Marriage Through Forgiveness: Part 3

Hi there! I'm so glad you're back, or perhaps here for the first time. I just have to tell you that I've really been praying for the readers of this blog and just feel a special burden for each of you - even though I don't personally know you. One day I was thinking about this and decided that maybe the "bond" I feel is not so unusual after all, since we are "sisters" - in the Lord's family!

Anyway, let's jump right in to today's topic. So far, in the first two posts of this series, we've looked at forgiveness being "God's Will" and "God's Plan." Now I want to turn our attention to a third aspect of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is God's Pruning (Resulting in Fruitfulness): Last time we examined Matthew 18 where we read the Parable of the Wicked Servant. Jesus told this parable to illustrate his response to a question Peter had asked. "Then Peter came and said to Him, 'Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?'" (Matthew 18:21)

Now to grasp the significance of what Jesus said, we must understand a little background information. During this time, the Jews taught that a man ought to forgive three times, but not the fourth. So, in saying "seven times," Peter must have thought it a real stretch of charity to go from three times, to seven. It's possible he was even thinking of Genesis 4:15, where God said, "Therefore whoever kills Cain, vengeance will be taken on him sevenfold." Imagine then, if you will, the disciple's astonishment when Jesus answered: "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven." (verse 23)

What Peter didn't understand yet was that Jesus meant there was to be no limit; no fixed number of times we are to forgive. Rather we are to forgive as God does, with mercy and long-suffering. We can almost imagine the Master gently saying: "Patience, Peter. Not just seven times - but many, many times. In fact, as many times as it takes." One commentary I referred to may have summed it up best - "Forgiveness is qualitative, not quantitative." (Vincent's New Testament Word Studies)

As for you and I, a good question we should ask ourselves in the midst of a crisis of forgiveness is this: "What purpose does the Lord have for me in this?" If we know and believe the words of Romans 8:28, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose," then the immediate answer is that He means something good to come from our current mess. 

In light of Jesus' response to Peter, could it be that the Lord is using this trial, painful as it may be, to bring about a needed change in you? I can certainly attest to this in my life. May I go on to suggest that one reason He may have allowed this to happen is to help you develop Christ-like long-suffering (perseverance, endurance)? Look with me at a few passages that demonstrate what I mean:

"3And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope..." (Romans 5:3-4)

"2Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, 3knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4)

"6In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, 7so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ..." (1 Peter 1:6-7)

Without a doubt, we see from these verses that the means of our spiritual growth is trials and tribulation. They are actually God's mercy toward us. This trouble you're facing, and the thing God is asking you to do in forgiving your offender, will most definitely result in you growing in patient long-suffering. Simply put - trials are God's way of "pruning us." Remember the words of Jesus in John's Gospel, "I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit." (John 15:1-2)

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." (Galatians 5:22-23)  

In every one of those three passages above, and so many more throughout the Scriptures, you see the progressive nature of patience:

 1.) It leads to other virtues which....
 2.) Ultimately leads to our hope of seeing Jesus, and bringing glory to Him one day.

Now let me tackle both of these points. First, in 2 Peter 1:5-8 the Bible tells us, "Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, 6and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, 7and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. 8For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." From this there's so many things I could point out! Two I'll mention though is that in this passage Peter ends his list of qualities with love. Likewise, the Apostle Paul told us that the greatest of these (virtues) is "love." (1 Corinthians 13:13) If we are unforgiving, we cannot possibly be simultaneously loving. Yet what is the very thing we are commanded by the Lord to do towards our enemies? That's right - love them. (Matthew 5:44) This sort of makes us squirm, doesn't it?! However, our patience and long-suffering, developed through our godly choice to forgive, will lead us on the road to becoming perfected in love.

This second point I'll direct once more to you. Please look again above at 1 Peter 1:6-7 and notice that your faith, after it's been tested through trials such as you may be experiencing right now, will culminate in bringing glory and honor to the Lord Jesus. Praise God! Similarly, in John 15:8 we are told: “My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples." Your suffering, like Jesus' own, is never in vain, but produces fruit and is to the Father's glory.

Oh, I get so excited by this! My prayer is that excitement and hope are beginning to rise in you too! Bear in mind - there is a divine plan and purpose to your affliction, and mine. Forgiveness is sometimes hard; but we learned previously that we've been given all we need to do it. His strength is indeed made perfect in our weakness. Finally, today we also saw that our choice to forgive sets us on an exhilarating path of growth and, ultimately, glory to God.

"To this end also we pray for you always, that our God will count you worthy of your calling, and fulfill every desire for goodness and the work of faith with power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus will be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12)

Friend, that's my prayer for you as well. Go in peace! As always, feel free to comment here if you like.

Idolatry & Bondage: Hindrances to Forgiveness

"Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness?" Romans 6:16

I briefly mentioned something in the last post I wrote about forgiveness that I feel we should look at more closely before moving on. Therefore, today I'd like to talk about idolatry and bondage. What I've discovered is that the two are inextricably entwined. In the simplest terms, idolatry concerns the heart, while bondage relates to our actions.

Let me explain by giving you an illustration from my life. I told you last time how I avoided going to town, or doing certain things, for fear of seeing the woman I was struggling to forgive, and in that sense allowed her to control me. More serious, however, was the fact that I spent much of my time thinking about this person as well. To be totally honest, I would have to say that I was tormented by thoughts of her. Thus, for this reason, not only was she first in my heart (idolatry); but as I mentioned a moment ago, it resulted in me not being free in my actions either. Whether consciously or not, I presented myself to her to "obey," and thus became her slave (bondage). While the verse above speaks of presenting ourselves to sin or righteousness, it illustrates this general principle well.

My friend, if this even remotely describes you, let me ask a couple questions that may help you examine yourself. The first thing is this: How much time do you spend thinking about the offender - what percentage of your waking thoughts would you say are consumed with him/her? Now, compare this to the time you spend with the Lord, reflecting on Him or His Word. A little lop-sided? I know for me it sure was. What's amazing is that even while I was spending more hours in prayer than ever before; outside that time, I was completely absorbed in negative thinking. In the truest sense, I placed higher value on her - because she was my focus - than on the Lord.

Secondly, do you obsess about this person? More specifically - are you always playing detective? An example is routinely attempting to dig up dirty laundry from their past. Or keeping track of their whereabouts and doings. I did an awful lot of the former: Every new "revelation" I unearthed was further justification for despising this woman; while disparaging remarks from others would only add "fuel to the fire." Looking back I realize that I actually delighted in hearing how awful she was because I thought it elevated my own status! It's hard, even humiliating, to admit this, but it's where I was at during that time. However, I will also tell you that eventually, with much prayer and support from an accountability partner, I was able to get past these things. Breaking free from this bondage has allowed His perfect peace to wash over me again. Praise the Lord!

So now I turn my attention to you. Have you prayerfully examined your heart before the Lord in regards to the issues I've mentioned here? It may be that all is well (and I hope it is), but please don't skip over this or take it lightly. Let there be not even a hint of idolatry or bondage in your heart! For starters, you might read the psalmist's petition and follow his example in prayer:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24) 

Rx for Overcoming Idolatry and Bondage: "Put Off" and "Put On"

The New Testament has much to say about how to overcome sin in our life. This, of course, would include the sin of unforgiveness. While it may not be new to you, I thought a review of the "put off/put on" concept may be helpful. In essence, this teaching of the apostle Paul first encourages us to "put off" (sometimes rendered "lay aside") the old ways: old ways of thinking, acting, relating, and doing. Then, instead of, or in place of, the old ways we are to "put on" new ways of thinking, acting, etc. Simply put, we get rid of the junk and replace it with good.

Before we examine some of the wonderful Scripture that speaks of this concept, I'd like to point out how very important it is for you to begin with a foundation of truth first. What I mean is that it's important to have a full understanding of your identity and blessings obtained in Christ. This may be the most important thing I ever write in this blog: You will never be truly free, unless you understand what Christ did for you. I wish I could go on to give a thorough explanation of this, but let me say that Jesus told us that there's just one thing you and I need in order to be free - free from God's wrath, free from sin, free from our past, free from (fill in the blank). You know what it is, don't you? That's right - truth. "And you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." (John 8:32)

So what is the truth about you if you've received Christ as your Savior? Let's turn to one of my favorite chapters of the Bible and read: "For if we have become united with Him in the likeness of His death, certainly we shall also be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin; for he who has died is freed from sin." (Romans 6:5-7)  There it is - the amazing truth about you and I. Praise God! You and I are free, absolutely free from sin! It's no longer our master; we don't have to "obey" it anymore. In light of this truth then, we have a choice, a decision of the will, to make: To allow it to control us, or not.

"Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace." Romans 6:11-14

Notice Paul's order of things in those verses. He first encourages us to believe the truth and apply it to our thinking ("consider yourselves to be dead to sin..."); then he exhorts us to live our lives in a way that reflects that truth. In Colossians 3:5 he repeats this teaching: "Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry." You and I are dead to those things - if our life is hidden with Christ in God. (Colossians 3:3) Now, I'm making a point of telling you all this because it's easy for us to miss this. For a long time in my Christian walk I didn't walk in light of this truth. Oh, I had read it - many, many times before, and yet it had slipped right by me. The truth was is my head, but it had not yet gotten to my heart. I didn't realize I could actually choose whether to sin or not; nor had I fully grasped who I really am. God's Word tells me that I am "the righteousness of God in Him." (2 Cor. 5:21) Knowing that, why would I ever choose to sin?

Now, please don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating the doctrine of sinless perfection here. There will be days when I sin. Many days unfortunately. I will not always live according to my new nature. The fact that I was unforgiving towards this woman for so long proves that. To be clear then, I'm not saying that you or I will understand this truth and never sin again. I don't believe Paul taught that either. Otherwise he would not need to instruct the Colossians, "But now you also, put them all aside..." (3:8) However, when you and I are armed with the knowledge that we're free to choose what's right, it's very encouraging!

So how do we apply all this in a practical way? The rest of the Colossians passage, as well as Ephesians 4 give us some remarkable advice in regards to this:

"8But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. 9Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, 10and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him— 11a renewal in which there is no distinction between Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave and freeman, but Christ is all, and in all. 12So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; 13bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. 14Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity." Colossians 3:8-14

"But you did not learn Christ in this way, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught in Him, just as truth is in Jesus, that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth." Ephesians 4:20-24 

These two passages should be meditated on and prayed over until they are absolutely burned into our hearts. For me, this "put off/put on" teaching brought about the turning point in forgiving when I realized that my heart was entertaining all the things mentioned in Colossians 3:8. What I did next then was fairly simple. Finding that it wasn't merely enough to take those thoughts "captive" - I set about replacing them. I disciplined myself to immediately think the truth instead. For example, verse 12 of the same chapter tells us to put on a "heart of compassion." So then, instead of chewing over what a horrible person she was, could I not choose to think compassionately about the state of her eternal soul? You see - what a difference! Most importantly, these kind of thoughts are actually pleasing to the Lord. "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer." (Psalm 19:14)

Is it your husband, whom you are still married to, that you're struggling to forgive? Instead of thinking of his faults or how he's wronged you, could you do as that same verse says and put on a "heart of patience?" Lord, he sinned against me, but I'm choosing tonight to bear patiently with him by remembering that I'm just as capable of the same sin. Also, I know that You're patient with me when I offend You. Thank You.

Lastly, let me tell you how I overcame this huge bondage of avoiding town and other places. So far I've only mentioned the first step in this process of freedom. Laying aside sinful thoughts and replacing them with godly, truthful thoughts is the picture of being "renewed in the spirit of (our) mind." (Ephesians 4:23). This alone brings a measure of peace. However, what's wonderful is that the inevitable outworking of changing the way we think, is becoming free in our actions as well.

So I started to pray and allow truth to renew my mind before I went to town. No more angry thoughts whirling around my mind as I jumped in the vehicle! My prayer would go something like this: Father, I thank You that You will never leave me nor forsake me (truth), and so I know You will go with me to town now. As Your daughter, I choose to clothe myself with dignity, as is befitting a child of the King, so that even if I see that woman I can hold my head high. I praise You that You're working all things together for good." After such a prayer, I went to town. Now, it took some time, and persistence in praying this way, but eventually going to town became no big deal again.

I'm so thankful to the Lord for showing me all these things - but especially that I was practicing idolatry and was in bondage in the first place. He brought incredible people into my life to help me overcome. He gave me friends who faithfully prayed. He gave me strength. And He's still working on me! I hope you'll stick around for the rest of the series on forgiveness. Then I promise to get back to the other things I learned through my husband's affair. I can't wait to share them with you.

Take care and God bless!

The Wise Woman Builds Her House

"The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands." Proverbs 14:1

Do you want a great marriage? I'm sure most of us would answer 'yes' in a heartbeat. As a wife, do you know what the best thing you can do to help insure that is? If you guessed "respect my husband," you're absolutely right!

Like most young girls who grew up in a non-Christian home since the 1960s, I was basically taught that women were equal to men in all respects. Women were also invincible. They had been mistreated by sexist men for far too long; the time had come for them to "roar". (If you don't know what I mean, the phrase "Hear me roar!" comes from the 1972 popular hit song "I Am Woman" by Helen Reddy. For a sadly enlightening look into our feminist culture, just Google those words sometime and look at the various comments ladies leave on websites that come up. I just did and it was eye-opening to see how entrenched in our society this way of thinking really is.)

In particular, one website tells women, "Inside every woman is a goddess waiting to shine." Yikes! If you've been reading my blog for very long I probably don't need to tell you that this kind of thinking is totally contrary to mine. Without a doubt, this worldly, self-aggrandizing philosophy is responsible for more broken marriages, and more destroyed families, than perhaps any other in the twentieth century. If you don't believe me, just research the statistics from the beginning of the feminist movement until now. Very sad indeed! Most important, however, this wisdom of the world is in direct opposition to the Bible. So then, what does Scripture tell us about who we, as women, should be? One answer may be found in Proverbs 31: "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised." (Proverbs 31:30)

Standing in sharp contrast to today's roaring women were the God-fearing, holy women of old, honored in 1 Peter 3, who were concerned with putting on "the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit." (Verse 4)  Reading this chapter I've noted that these women weren't challenging their husbands, but rather were respectful to them; Sarah even calling Abraham "lord." So then, from this passage, as well as Ephesians 5:33, we know with certainty that it's God's will that we respect our husbands.

So quickly, here's some thoughts on this. God made marriage. He knows what it takes to make it heavenly and blissful. His Word tells us that as wives we can help do this by being respectful. It's simple: while we feel on top of the world when our husbands love us, they feel the same when we show them respect. When both spouses fulfill these needs it makes for a beautiful marriage relationship that is every bit the earthly representation of Christ and His bride, the church.

Now, while showing respect is so much more than the way you act during conflict, just imagine with me for a moment the last disagreement you and your spouse had. Consider Proverbs 14:1, which I quoted at the beginning of this post, and try to paint a picture of your words, actions, and attitudes at that time. Would you describe it more like Nehemiah's rebuilding of Jerusalem's walls, meant to keep its inhabitants safe and secure from the enemy - or, would it be like the prediction Jesus made of the siege of Jerusalem, where "Not one stone here will be left upon another, which will not be torn down?" (Matthew 24:2) Truthfully, one day while I was jogging and meditating on the Proverbs verse above, this analogy came to mind and I was overwhelmed by it! I definitely don't want to be a woman who tears down her house with disrespectful words and actions - and in the process destroys the peace and safety of all within! Instead I would be like the wise woman who builds her house - who builds her "walls" if you will.

I'm telling you the truth - the single most important thing you and I can do for our marriages is to find out what respect is and do it. Start by reading the Bible first. A great help to me was to read Ephesians 5:33 in the Amplified Bible because it expounded the meaning of the word "respect" for me. It says, "And let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]. Now there's some meat to chew on! Look up the definition for every one of those words or phrases, write them out, and pray for wisdom in how to put them into practice in your marriage. When you sense God showing you what to do, write that down as well. If you do this, you'll have enough to keep you busy for awhile! After that, I recommend reading Biblically-sound books such as "Created to Be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl, "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace, and "Love and Respect" by Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs.

I will close by telling you about a friend, who was in the Bible study I led this past year. We had been going through Debi Pearl's book (above) when we stopped meeting for the summer. Wanting to get started again, I called her this morning. I asked her if she was still interested in continuing with the book. She replied with resounding enthusiasm, "Oh yes! I can't wait! I read ahead in the book and applied what I learned. This respect stuff really works! It's transformed my marriage." Praise the Lord! Like countless other women who've wanted to have a great marriage, she's learned the "secret." Won't you join in too?

This was a little time-out from the series I've been doing on what I learned through my husband's affair. I felt it was a good time to share the message of respect because I began learning these principles simultaneously while fighting for my marriage. In my next post I will pick up again with more on forgiveness. May God richly bless you until then.

Prayer to Release Your Debtor

Below is a prayer, a "Covenant of Forgiveness," written by Jefferson H. Floyd. Knowing that sometimes it's hard to put into words such things as this, I thought it might help you.

It's important to be honest and take your struggle to forgive to God. He knows about it anyway. I remember reading that Corrie Ten Boom, upon meeting a former concentration camp guard whom she had long been unforgiving towards, prayed inwardly, "Lord, help me to be willing to be willing to forgive." What a great prayer! Don't be afraid to ask Him to do the same for you; then pray the following covenant, preferably in the presence of another person who keeps confidences and has spiritual wisdom.

"Dear Heavenly Father,

     It is my choice today before God and man to affirm my covenant to forgive __________________________________ for the offense (pain, affliction, etc.) which he/she brought against me and thus in my life (describe offense briefly).
     I forgive him/her unconditionally for the things he/she did which produced such hurt.
     I drop every charge which I have brought against him/her and give up the right to ever charge him/her again for this offense.
     I cancel every judgement I have made against him/her and every way that I have applied that judgement against God and man.
     In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I release him/her from all responsibility for the hurt which his/her behavior provoked in me leaving him/her totally accountable to God; instead I assume all responsibility for my choice to be offended and unforgiving.
     Heavenly Father, I drop every charge I (may) have had against You for permitting this to happen to me and (ask you to) please forgive me for any way that I have blamed You in this offense.
     I drop every charge I have levied against myself for every wrong attitude, action, and reaction associated with my offense.
    Heavenly Father, as I have forgiven (supply name) for the hurt I have experienced, please forgive me of my hurt, bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness.
     Holy Spirit, please come and heal my thoughts, my emotions, and my memories from all the damage and defilement caused by my offense.
     Thank you, Father, for my healing.

     In may be necessary to pray more than once regarding a particular issue. Continue to pray until you have peace."

The Lord be with you until next time. Contact me at titus2homemaker@gmail.com if you have a question, or would like help or specific prayer.

Healing Your Marriage Through Forgiveness: Part 2

In this post I'm continuing my series on forgiveness. So far we've only covered one principle; determining that it's God's will that we forgive. Now we'll move on and examine additional principles dealing with more of the heart issues. I'm really excited! God has done such amazing things in my life, and in my marriage, through the grace of forgiveness. I can hardly wait to share them with you. And since He is no respecter of persons (Acts 10:34), I believe He will do great things in your life, too, as you walk a life of obedience.

Now, when I think about forgiveness I can't help but feel that this next truth is the one I treasure most, for a couple of reasons. For one, because it's highly practical; and two, because it seems to speak the most to wounded hearts. I hope you are as anxious as I am to get to it!

Freedom, Healing, Fruit-Bearing, & Reconciliation

Forgiveness is God's Plan (to Set You Free): When we looked at forgiveness being God's will, our text was Matthew 6. Now let's turn a few chapters to Matthew 18 and read another familiar passage of Scripture:

23“For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. 24When he had begun to settle them, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. 25But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made. 26So the slave fell to the ground and prostrated himself before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.’ 27And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt. 28But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay back what you owe.’ 29So his fellow slave fell to the ground and began to plead with him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ 30But he was unwilling and went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed. 31So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened. 32Then summoning him, his lord said to him, ‘You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?’ 34And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. 35My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.” (Matthew 18:23-35)

Often referred to as "The Parable of the Wicked Servant," or,"The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant," this powerful passage of Scripture gives us ample opportunity to glean some wisdom for our own lives. Let's go ahead then and study it in more detail!

The first thing I'd like to note is the amount of debt the servant owed the master - ten thousand talents. To understand this staggering sum I will quote from Max Lucado: "Before 'talent' meant skill, it meant money. It represented the largest unit of accounting in the Greek currency – 10,000 denarii. According to the parable of the workers, a denarius represented a day’s fair wages (Matt. 20:2). Multiply your daily wage by 10,000, and you discover the value of a talent. If you earn $30,000 a year and you annually work 260 days, you make about $115 a day. A talent in your case is valued at 10,000 times $115 or $1,150,000." Now, don't forget - the servant owed ten thousand times this amount; an impossible amount to repay! 

Interestingly, the servant in this parable never acknowledges his inability to do this. In fact, he actually tells his master that he will repay (v. 29). This is an important, but often overlooked, detail of the story. I think it demonstrates that he never fully realized how great his debt was; and subsequently, he was not truly humbled to appreciate the gift of forgiveness he was about to receive. This should be a warning to us. Have we soul-searchingly humbled ourselves before the mighty throne of God, looked upon His perfect holiness, and admitted that our sin was greater than we could ever repay? Before you shrug this off as being a rhetorical question, consider this: often the greatest test of this we'll ever face is when we, like the unmerciful servant, must deal with someone who "owes us." Let me explain what I mean.

As in the parable, whenever someone is injured, offended, or sinned against by another, it establishes a debtor relationship. The person in your life that hurt you is your "debtor." The proud servant in this passage had a debtor too. How did he deal with him? He "went and threw him in prison." Locked him up. Funny thing is, he sent his fellow servant to prison where he could not repay the debt. So what good did it do the wicked servant to do this? You and I know the answer, don't we? No good. Likewise, no one can ever repay us for the harm they caused either. And because they can't repay, it does us no good to "get even" or to hold their offense against them forever.

I hope, my friend, you can see the direction I'm leading you. In your heart of hearts you know that your husband, the other woman, or whomever, owes you. However, I'm also asking you to consider how much, how great a payment, you owe God. Remember: the servant (who we are much alike, I'm afraid) owed more than he could ever repay; while the fellow servant owed much, much less. Ouch, that hurts! Oh how our flesh cringes at the thought that this person, who hurt us so badly - maybe worse than we've ever experienced, owes us little in the light of our debt towards God.

This concept however, when fully grasped, will set you free in two ways: First, and most importantly, you will be able to praise God like never before. Meditate with me on Paul's words in these two verses: "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) He did this while we were still utterly offensive to Him! And think - our offenses were worse, infinitely worse than that particular person's offenses against you and me. Now that truly is love. What's more, it is with that incredible love that He actively loves us! Did you catch the word "actively" there? If you doubt that, or just need encouragement, grab your Bible and check out Romans 8:35-39. Please, don't just read it. Drink it in! Let each word speak to your heart today!

35"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. 37Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. 38For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."


The second verse is 2 Corinthians 9:15, "Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!" Although lengthy, I like what the 19th century theologian Albert Barnes said in his Notes on the New Testament regarding this: "This is a gift unspeakably great, whose value no language can express, no heart fully conceive. It is so because:
(a) Of His own greatness and glory;


(b) Because of the inexpressible love which He evinced;


(c) Because of the unutterable sufferings which He endured;


(d) Because of the inexpressibly great benefits which result from His work. No language can do justice to this work in either of these respects; no heart in this world fully conceives the obligation which rests upon man in virtue of His work.


(2) Thanks should be rendered to God for this. We owe Him our highest praises for this. This appears:


(a) Because it was mere benevolence in God. We had no claim; we could not compel Him to grant us a Saviour. The gift might have been withheld, and His throne would have been spotless, We owe no thanks where we have a claim; where we deserve nothing, then He who benefits us has a claim on our thanks.


(b) Because of the benefits which we have received from Him. Who can express this? All our peace and hope; all our comfort and joy in this life; all our prospect of pardon and salvation; all the offers of eternal glory are to be traced to Him. Man has no prospect of being happy when he dies but in virtue of the "unspeakable gift" of God. And when he thinks of his sins, which may now be freely pardoned; when he thinks of an agitated and troubled conscience, which may now be at peace; when he thinks of his soul, which may now be unspeakably and eternally happy; when he thinks of the hell from which he is delivered, and of the heaven to whose eternal glories he may now be raised up by the gift of a Saviour, his heart should overflow with gratitude, and the language should be continually on his lips and in his heart, "thanks be unto God for His unspeakable gift." Every other mercy should seem small compared with this; and every manifestation of right feeling in the heart should lead us to contemplate the source of it, and to feel, as Paul did, that all is to be traced to the unspeakable gift of God."


Well, I certainly couldn't have said it better myself! But let's look at the second way you can be set free by the truth we're discovering in this parable. It deals with your heart. Look again at the last statement Jesus makes in the passage from Matthew, "My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.” What will the Father do? Verse 34 tells us that He will hand you over to be "tortured." While this may seem harsh for me to point this out, what I mean is that when you're unforgiving towards someone, your heart is in bondage. The best way for me to demonstrate this is to share a little snippet from my own story.


I've mentioned several times the lady whom the Lord sent into my life. Well, after I confessed to her that I was struggling with unforgiveness, I shared the details of it - how it was affecting my life. Since we live in the country, I told her that I avoided going to town as much as possible. I was so angry towards that woman that it kept me from going certain places, and driving down certain streets, whenever I had to be in town - because I might run into her! Immediately my friend said to me, "Why are you making an idol of this woman?" I replied, "What do you mean?!" She went on, "Who is controlling your life right now? Who's determining what you do and don't do? Would you say it's the Holy Spirit or this woman?" I thought for a moment. The woman I guess. "Then she's become an idol to you. And God does not want you to have anything before Him."

Oh boy - did she ever hit the nail on the head! I was in bondage, because I was steeped in idolatry. My heart was not right with the Lord as long as someone else controlled me. Who or what should control you and me then? "For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died." (2 Cor. 5:14) Since according to 1 John 4:16 God is love, we can reason that the "love of Christ" and God are one and the same. Therefore, God alone should be the One to control us. And notice the connection between that "controlling" love and the rest of the verse. It caused Paul to "conclude" something - to be affected in his way of thinking. I believe that we, too, should be transformed in the same manner. I'm talking about the very things we allow into in our hearts. Remember Paul's admonition in 2 Cor. 10:5 to take "every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." Friend, don't let that other person be your "master." Be free by taking those unforgiving thoughts captive, and by letting God's love both reassure and change you. At the end I'll have some concluding thoughts about that.

Well, I have gone on too long again. I'm starting to think that I'll only be able to mention one point in each of these posts! Anyway, let me share just two more things about freedom through forgiveness. Jesus said to forgive "from the heart." So how do you do that? Simply put, you make a conscious decision of the will to release that person from the debt they owe you. You may not "feel" anything right away. Don't worry, that's not the point. It's your decision that matters. You do have the ability to do it because God has already given you, through His divine power, everything pertaining to life and godliness. (2 Peter 1:3) I've talked about that quite a bit already and I hope you're beginning to believe it, and grab hold of it. I encourage you to no longer allow Satan to "rent a room" in your heart; but rather, be like Jesus who said in John 14:30, "I will not speak much more with you, for the ruler of the world is coming, and he has nothing in Me."

In closing, let me share this wonderful quote from Lewis Smedes, "When you release the wrongdoer from the wrong, you cut a malignant tumor out of your inner life. You set a prisoner free, but you discover that the real prisoner was yourself."

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't also share a wonderful series on forgiveness that you can download and listen to on your computer. It's by Charlyne Steinkamp, who has an amazing testimony of healing in her marriage. It's entitled, "Forgive Them" and can be found here:
http://rejoiceministries.org/forgivethem.html?utm_source=forgivethem.net&utm_medium=domain&utm_campaign=forgivethem.net
The Steinkamps founded Rejoice Marriage Ministries, and it's one of the most significant ministries I know of that's reaching out to hurting marriages and those battling to save them.

Blessings! Remember that God is your strength, your fortress, and your refuge. (Jer. 16:19)