Wise Men and a Wise Woman

Before getting back to the topic of prayer, I wanted to share a little Christmas thought with you that's been on my heart these last few days. In thinking about the wise men that came to worship the young Child, Jesus, I also pondered the wise woman of Proverbs 14:1, "The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands."

Now, while there are a couple other places in the Bible where a wise woman is mentioned, I don't think anywhere else may we find such a beautiful, albeit brief, glance of the wise woman within the confines of her God-given domain - the home. Even though I've written about her before, I think she is worth looking at again. Perhaps especially since, just after Christmas Day, many of us will be busying ourselves with making resolutions for the New Year.

So, as we come to worship Jesus at the Advent of His birth, what is it about this wise woman that the Bible should mention her? How may we be like her in order to come before Him in a pleasing way? In studying the whole counsel of Scripture I observe three things in which a wise woman excels. And I believe we would do well if, we too, would strive in these areas. 

A Wise Woman Builds Her House By:

1. Respecting/ Honoring Her Husband
            
     A wise woman respects her husband (Ephesians 5:33). This means she accepts, admires, and appreciates him. She doesn't try to change him, but is thankful for the man that he is. She tells him so. So maybe he doesn't always make the wisest decisions, or perhaps he's just a slob - but she married him for better or for worse and she accepts him as he is - a sinner, the only kind of man to marry. She chooses to look to his finer side and focuses on that, reminding him often of the things she admires about him.
     She also honors his leadership and teaches the children to do the same. She accepts the God-given order of authority and is glad that the buck stops with her husband. Since he is responsible before the Lord, she has no need for worry. Letting go of the reigns frees her to concentrate on serving her family and doing well at her domestic duties. Additionally, as a reward, a wise woman earns the respect of her husband and becomes his most trusted confidant and advisor. In this supporting role she is satisfied with her life.
     Finally, she is a sympathetic and understanding wife. This is the opposite of a selfish and demanding wife. Thus, the wise woman understands that her husband's job is a heavy responsibility and must sometimes take priority over the family. When he's late, she keeps his dinner warm and is there to greet him with a welcoming smile and encouraging words. To her glory, the godly wife knows that her man may be out of sorts from time to time and so she develops a thick skin and learns to overlook his small transgressions. All in all, she is a woman who is clothed with strength and dignity. (Proverbs 31:25)

2. Loving Her Children

     The wise woman builds a wall of protection and security around her children by being affectionate, caring, and concerned. She looks to their physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. If she did not have good parental role models herself she studies and learns from other godly mothers, as well as searches the Scriptures for insight.
     Additionally, the woman of this caliber does not neglect her children in favor of her own career, goals, desires, and plans. Rather she sees her time as a wise investment in the hearts and lives of the precious ones entrusted to her care. A wise woman does not resent having children, but believes the Scripture that says that children are a heritage of the Lord, and His reward. (Psalm 127:3)
    To her, each of her children is a unique individual - fashioned by the hand of God. As she takes time to get to know them, she appreciates them for who they are. She works to understand them, what makes them "tick," and seeks to provide what each of them needs. Her heart is to train them in the ways of the Lord. Even while she's loving and gentle, she also knows she must discipline them, when necessary, for their own good.
     Finally, she is the center of the family's home life and makes it warm, accepting, and joyous. Her children adore her; in fact, they arise up and call her blessed. (Proverbs 31:28)

3. Building Her Relationship With The Lord

     "Unless the LORD builds the house, They labor in vain who build it..." (Psalm 127:1) Her relationship with the Lord is her number one priority. She understands that knowing Him more and more is the most important thing; it will result in her being a better wife and mother. In order to do this, she rises early to spend time with the Lord. Rather than "winging it," she makes a spiritual growth plan and diligently works on it.
     The wise woman is humble and allows the Lord to search her heart and show her where she needs changing. However, since she is wise, she also realizes that she cannot rely on her own strength or understanding (Proverbs 3:5-7) to do it, but instead trusts the Lord to provide it for her.
     Lastly, a godly woman views each day as a gift from the Lord. She doesn't complain or whine, but thanks her Father for each and every thing, good or bad, He sends her way - knowing that He has her best interest at heart. (1 Thessalonians 5:18) She is at peace because she rests in the Lord.

God's presence to you all this Christmas and His blessings on the New Year!

Scripture Prayer for Marriages in Trouble or Recovery

"He sent His word and healed them,

 And delivered them from their destructions." Psalm 107:20

God's Word is so powerful! And praying it is a wonderful way to grow in your prayer life and deepen your walk with Jesus. What's more, your faith will increase as you experience the blessing of answered prayers. So no matter what your battle is right now - troubled marriage, an adulterous spouse, or perhaps a spouse who has left the home - God's Word has an answer for each of these problems. It is absolutely loaded with timely wisdom and the precious words of those saints of old who have gone before us; many who faced the same giants we face today. Have confidence that the Word of God is powerful, and that by it you can STAND IN THE GAP on behalf of your marriage!

As promised, in this post I'll share my (ever-growing) list of Scriptures that I have prayed, or continue to pray, for my marriage, my husband, and/or myself as wife and mother. I say continue to pray because, until the day the Lord calls me home, I have determined that I will never "relax" or stop praying earnestly because the Bible tells us that we are to "Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8) I can think of no better way to "be on the alert" than in prayer. (Mark 13:33; Luke 21:36; Col. 4:2) Because the list is extensive, I'm not going to group each one  for you, but rather will tell you that each Scripture verse or passage falls into one or more of the following categories:

• Marriage/ Husband and Wife Relationship
• Adulterer's/ Abandoning Spouse's Repentance, Spiritual Growth, Deliverance, Identity in Christ, Knowing & Understanding the Truth, and Protection
• Yourself (as Wife)
• Children

As you look them up you can decide:
1) If the reference is relevant to your situation
2) If it is, for whom or for what particular situation you will pray it

Many of the verses or passages were ones that were particular to the time of my husband's affair, or during the early days of our marriage reconciliation. These I no longer pray for my own marriage, but I pray them as I become aware of other marriages facing the heartache of infidelity. The Bible tells us that as Christians we have a duty to bear the burdens of others and lift their struggles before the Throne of Grace. (Gal. 6:2) 

Another thing I will tell you. Many of the verses have a similar theme and often I will pray them together. Sort of like cross-reference praying! Let me share an example with you, while at the same time demonstrate how to use Scripture to form a prayer. My husband, throughout his Christian walk, has often struggled with really believing that God  loves him and is pleased with him. So when I pray that he might better understand God's love, I say: "Lord, I ask that You would pour out Your love within Aaron's heart. I pray that he would come to know and believe the love which You have for him and that, by this, love would be perfected in him. Please let perfect love cast out all fear." (Romans 5:5; 1 John 4:16-18;) "Deliver him now from a spirit of fear - and instead fill him with power, love, and a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7) "And Father, finally I ask You to direct his heart into the love of God and the steadfastness of Christ." (2 Thessalonians 3:5)

Perhaps, if you've been here awhile, you'll also recall that along with the struggle to understand God's love, Aaron also grew up in a church that did not fully teach about God's grace. In the past he seemed to feel as if he somehow needed to do something to "maintain" his salvation. He was never able to simply rest in the Lord, and His finished work. (I wrote about this in a post entitled Understanding Grace and Our Identity in Christ.) To counter this, the Lord specifically gave me two verses which I still pray daily since understanding God's grace is something we must learn over a lifetime! The prayer goes something like this: "Lord, I pray that you would (continue to) cause Aaron to understand the grace of God in truth." (Col. 1:6) "Additionally, please allow his heart to be established with grace." (Hebrews 13:9)

The Full Armor of God

Lastly, before the list, I feel that I should mention one passage of Scripture specifically because of its absolute importance. I implore you to daily pray the full armor of God, as described in Ephesians 6, on both you and your spouse. I do not get up from my knees each morning until this is done. Charlyne Steinkamp, whom I've mentioned before as a wonderful inspiration to those who are "standing," says, "As faithful as Bob might be today to me and to our marriage, as well as to the Lord, I will continue to pray the armor of God on us and a hedge of protection around him in this area (adultery) until the Lord calls one of us home."

One of the neatest things you can do with this is when you go through each piece of the armor - for example, loins girded with truth - is to incorporate other verses that speak of truth, like John 8:32 or John 17:17, into your prayer. Doing this will help you to cover each area mentioned in Ephesians 6, while truly helping you to develop your own "cross-reference system." I believe your hunger for the Word will increase as you're challenged to find more and more verses related to each piece of armor.

Prayer Scriptures

All that said, here's my list of Scripture verses and passages. Although some of them will be in the form of a prayer, such as some of Paul's prayers recorded for us in the epistles, please remember that most will not, and therefore you may need to "reword" them a bit. May I emphasize that praying through the Scriptures is a means by which we may come to be in union with the heart of God; it should not, however, become an empty religious exercise of merely reciting the Bible.

2 Chronicles 20:12,15-17
Nehemiah 1:5-9
Job 33:14-18
Psalm1; Psalm 15; Psalm 19:7-14; Psalm 25; Psalm 34:8-14,19; Psalm 35; Psalm 37:7-15; Psalm 40:1-3,8; Psalm 43:3; Psalm 46:1-3,10; Psalm 51; Psalm 57; Psalm 63; Psalm 71; Psalm 86:11-13; Psalm 92:12-15; Psalm 107:20; Psalm 119:11,105,133; Psalm 126; Psalm 127a; Psalm 143 (really there's many more from the Psalms so I would suggest that you peruse them and write down ones that express your own heart towards God)
Proverbs 2:10-17; 3:1-13; 31:10-31
Isaiah 40:31; 46:10b; 52:1; 57:15-19; 59:19; 61:3
Jeremiah 24:6-7; 32:17
Ezekiel 22:30; 36:25-27; 37:23
Hosea 14:4-6
Micah 6:8
Malachi 4:6
Matthew 6:33
Luke 2:79
John 1:12; 8:32; 12:24; 15:1-17; 17:17
Acts 26:18 (an excellent prayer if you're not sure about your husband's salvation)
Romans 5:5; 6:11-14; 8:15; 12:1-2,9-21; 15:5-7,13 (Verse 13 is a perfect prayer for someone who struggles with assurance of their salvation)
1 Corinthians 2:16; 13:4-7
2 Corinthians  3:14-18; 4:6; 5:7,17; 7:1,10
Galatians 4:5-7
Ephesians 1:2-3; 1:17-19; 3:16-20; 4:22-27,32; 5:33; **6:10-17
Philippians 1:6; 2:2-5,12-13; 4:6-8
Colossians 1:5-6,9-14,23; 2:2-15
1 Thessalonians 1:5; 3:12; 5:23
2 Thessalonians 1:3,11-12; 3:4-5
1 Timothy 2:4; 6:11-12
2 Timothy 1:7; 2:22,25-26
Hebrews 4:15-16; 10:19-25; 13:9,20-21
James 4:7; 5:16,19-20
1 Peter 3:1-6; 4:8,11
2 Peter 1:3-9
1 John 1:9; 4:16-17

Now, while this list is quite long, please know that I don't pray every single one of these passages each day. Some I no longer pray because they're no longer relevant. Some passages are similar, so I pray one or the other. Others express a need that is not urgent today and so I skip that. I really do pray what's on my heart each morning - and throughout the day - and so I don't get hung up on praying through a list. These Scriptures just happen to be the "backbone" of my prayers and enable me to better convey my requests as I seek the face of God.

As much as I'd like to continue, I have to tell you that right now I feel like I should publish this post today, and save my answered prayers for the next one! It just seems like that should be its own post. 

Friend, please know that I pray for all the readers here. I pray that this week the Lord will fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

If you are visiting today because your spouse is having or has had an affair, please click on this link to take you to the first article I wrote on 8/27/10 about my own experiences entitled, What I've Learned Through My Husband's Affair. From there to the present are many more helpful posts for those going through the trial of adultery that include such topics as: forgiveness (6 posts); regaining trust; prayer; and others. You may wish to use the Blog Archive in the sidebar to navigate forward from the above post through the articles that seem relevant to you.


I also am available to talk privately with anyone who needs that as well. I have counseled a number of women and would love to visit with you! You may reach me by email at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. I'm glad you stopped by!

Prayer That Avails Much

"Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." James 5:16

Last time I wrote about prayer I sort of left things hanging. I asked how Andrew Murray, author of "With Christ in the School of Prayer," could say that the Father will do the "will of the child in union with Himself?" At first this seems to us too presumptuous a statement. So then, let's explore this a little further to see if we can understand what he meant; while I also tell you about the last essential ingredient to praying effectually. To discover the answer to both these things, I'll turn to John 15:7, "If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you." Let me point out that two things stand out in this verse: 1) The words, "If ye abide in me," and 2) That the promise and its conditions are inseparable.

So what does this mean for us? What is it we must do, what condition must we meet, in order for our prayers to be answered? Simply put, we must be totally sold-out to Christ. We must truly die to ourselves. His glory, and His alone, should be our passion and lifeblood. In another passage of his book Andrew Murray said, "It is Christ whom the Father always hears; God is in Christ, and can only be reached by being in Him; to be IN HIM is the way to have our prayer heard; fully and wholly ABIDING IN HIM, we have the right to ask whatsoever we will, and the promise that it shall be done unto us." 

Am I abiding "fully and wholly in Him?" Are you? Mr. Murray goes on to preach a very convicting "sermon" in the next paragraph concerning this, which I will quote in full:

"When we compare this promise with the experiences of most believers, we are startled by a terrible discrepancy. Who can number up the countless prayers that rise and bring no answer? The cause must be either that we do not fulfill the condition, or God does not fulfill the promise. Believers are not willing to admit either, and therefore have devised a way of escape from dilemma. They put into the promise the qualifying clause our Savior did not put there - if it be God's will; And so maintain both God's integrity and their own. O if they did but accept it and hold it fast as it stands, trusting to Christ to vindicate His truth, how God's Spirit would lead them to see the Divine propriety of such a promise to those who really abide in Christ in the sense in which he means it, and to confess that the failure in the fulfilling condition is the one sufficient explanation of unanswered prayer. And how the Holy Spirit would then make our feebleness in prayer one of the mightiest motives to urge us on to discover the secret and obtain the blessing of full abiding in Christ."

I hope that you're stirred, as I was when I first read it, to examine your heart to see whether these things be true. To be honest, I think that as I was forced to look at my own faults and actions that may have led to my husband having an affair, it also helped me reflect on the question of whether I had been truly abiding in Christ. If you're facing this situation right now, please know that although painful, this trial can be used of God to get you right where He wants you to be! That will be a blessing, as well as the gateway to answered prayer. However, this is not my promise to you, but rather the way of our faithful Creator!

With that, it's time to look at one of the most effective ways to "stand in the gap" for your marriage. In my own experience, over a period of many months, the Lord led me to do this by teaching me to pray Scripture - for both my wayward husband and my relationship with him.

At first it started out "small." I'd be reading the Bible, searching for answers to my troubles, when a verse or passage would jump out at me. Having practiced the discipline of keeping a prayer journal for years, I'd jot down the reference, or sometimes the entire verse, and feel impressed to pray it. Now, when I say "pray it" (the Scripture) what I mean is taking a verse or passage and wording it into the form of a prayer. For example, Ephesians 4:20-24 becomes a prayer that goes like this: "Lord, I pray that Aaron would learn Christ, hear Him, and be taught in Him. I ask that as truth is in Jesus, so it would also be in Aaron. I pray that in reference to his former manner of life, he would lay aside the old man which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that he'd be renewed in the spirit of his mind. Furthermore, Lord, I pray that he'll put on the new man which in the likeness of You has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth." The more immersed in God's Word I became, the more verses I was writing down until I finally I decided to compile all the verses onto one page and add to it from there. I didn't just pick one a day either - I'd pray them all!

By necessity this led to another thing that happened. Having all these passages to pray took time; because of this, my prayer life grew richer and fuller as I spent increasing amounts of time talking with God. I found that it no longer seemed difficult to find things to say in prayer, just to "fill up the time." For the first time I was getting up early to pray because I really wanted to and felt genuinely compelled to.

Additionally, I'd like to share other benefits to praying the Scriptures for your marriage, and how they'll enable you to take a stand as never before!

1. Helps you to pray according to God's Will: "This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him." (1 John 5:14-15) When we pray God's Word we can have confidence that we are praying "according to His will" and will have the thing we ask for. His will is revealed throughout His Word. It's as if through praying it we come to be "in tune" with His very heart. Let me give you an example of what I mean: If I ask God to make me a "1 Peter 3 wife" (which you've heard me mention a number of times here) - that is, submissive, chaste, and respectful - I can be sure that He will do it because it's His promise to wives that they may be the means to win their disobedient husbands back to Him.

Another such verse that gives us boldness to pray is the verse following the ones above: "If anyone sees his brother committing a sin not leading to death, he shall ask and God will for him give life to those who commit sin not leading to death." (1 John 5:16) Here again we have a promise. If we pray on the basis of this promise, and therefore pray according to God's will, we can know that our request will be granted to us. While I plan to share my list of Scriptures that I've prayed (or continue to pray) with you, I encourage you to search the Bible to discover verses and passages that will be relevant to you and your situation. To demonstrate and wrap up this point, allow me to quote from Andrew Murray once more: "In the Word the Father has revealed in general promises the great principles of His will with His people. The child has to take the promise and apply it to the special circumstances in his life to which it has reference... In His Word, God has given us the revelation of His will and plans with us, with His people, and with the world, with the most precious promises of the grace and power with which through His people He will carry out His plans and do His work." 

2. Helps you to memorize large amounts of Scripture: For me this has been one of the neatest inevitable outcomes of praying the Word. Really it's been incredible how much Scripture I've memorized because I've prayed it over and over. A funny thing happened, in fact, on Thanksgiving Day last week in relation to this! My father in-law was leading our entire family in devotions and asked my husband to read Proverbs 3:1-12 for us. Right away in my own mind I piped up because I pray that all the time! While he was reading I recited it along with him in my heart.

After some time of praying through the Scriptures, you too, will praise God for how many Bible verses you're able to pray - without even opening your Bible! Remember, this is not so we can pat ourselves on the back, but rather so that we may be better equipped as believers. As the Word goes deeper within you, you'll find yourself surrendering to God's will more and more and entering into a closer and more intimate union with Christ. Thus, as a result, you'll be better enabled to "fight" for your marriage. (John 15:3; James 4:7; Ephesians 6:2)

3. Develops perseverance in prayer: "Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up... And the Lord said, 'Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?'" The problem with us is that we sometimes give up too soon. We pray and the answer doesn't come. Then we get discouraged, and may even stop praying. However, may I suggest that praying the Scripture also helps us to overcome this tendency as well. The reason for this seems to be that having that tangible list of verses, written out before us, acts as a daily reminder of what we are to pray. It keeps us "on track," if you will. It also serves as an encouragement in why we are to pray; this especially true if many of the verses are ones that the Lord personally laid on your heart.

In the many dark days following my husband's disclosure, as my list of Scriptures grew, there were times when I felt like losing heart. However, through confidence in the faithfulness and justice of my Heavenly Father, I persistently kept praying through those verses. Although it was tempting to "listen" to my feelings, I disciplined myself to not be carried away by them. Thank the Lord also for godly accountability partners who reminded me often that my faith was not in myself, not in human thoughts or possibilities, but in the Word of the living God.

Tonight I'm running out of time to be able to share my list of Scriptures. My children are waiting for me so we can read our exciting Advent storybook together. Next time though, Lord willing, I'll post it here. I'll also give some personal examples of how God has answered my prayers. In the meantime, I hope to hear from someone who may have their own list as well! I'd love to hear about it! 

Hallelujah Chorus at Mall Food Court

I just had to share this. The video, below, captures something wonderful that happened at Seaway Mall in Welland, Ontario, near Niagra Falls, just a couple weeks ago. It brought tears to my eyes to see our Lord's name lifted up in such a remarkable way. Hope you enjoy it too.

Regaining Trust After the Affair

With the Thanksgiving holiday and us having family coming in tomorrow and staying until Sunday, I thought I'd sneak in a "short" post on another subject. (Maybe I just mean easier to write!) However, I will still be moving on to standing in prayer, if the Lord wills, early next week. I hope you all have a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving!

Of all the challenges I've faced since my husband's affair perhaps the hardest has been the issue of trust. Obviously I don't need to tell you that it's very hard to trust someone again after they've betrayed you. For me it's been a real journey these many months, but a surprisingly good one in a number of respects. First and foremost, as I think I've tried to communicate here, it has given me the chance to draw nearer to the Lord than ever before. This has truly been the result of God working "all things together for good" in this situation - and, I believe, a part of His overall plan.

Along the same lines it has also allowed me to let go of the tight grip I had on my marriage. Now, what do I mean by that you might be wondering? Let me just say that I'm no longer so dependent on my husband because my hope is not in him, but in the Lord. It's silly really, but before all this happened I think deep down I felt that I would somehow die without Aaron. That was completely inappropriate and sinful, as in essence I was putting my husband before the Lord.

At some point during my relearning to trust, however, I realized that even if I had lost my husband to another woman, I still would have been okay. God's Word tells me this: "My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26) Allow me the liberty to word it differently here and say that "my marriage may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Did you catch the last part of that verse? God is your "portion," forever! A portion may be defined as, "a share received by gift or inheritance." My sister in the Lord, God has given you the gift of Himself now and for always. Let me remind you that He will never leave you nor forsake you. These thoughts have brought me much comfort in the months of recovering from Aaron's affair.

With that, let me get to three things that I've learned about regaining trust that I think will help if you, or someone you know, is going through a similar time. Hopefully, the following tips will help you to remain on the right course with steadfastness and patience.

God's sovereignty is the key: Truly the only way to begin trusting a spouse who has cheated is to rest in the Father's love. Charlyne Steinkamp, in her book entitled, "Standing After the Prodigal Returns," says, "Some people inquire, 'How can you ever trust them again?' The answer to this question may sound unusual, but I trust my husband (again) by first trusting my Lord. Our marriage is not being restored by my efforts, nor by my husband. It is being restored by the Lord Jesus Christ." I will add that this is supported by a great verse of Scripture: "We have confidence in the Lord concerning you, that you are doing and will continue to do what we command." (2 Thessalonians 3:4) Anytime I've felt panicky or ill-at-ease in regards to my husband, I've tried to remember this verse. Oftentimes I also recited it aloud by saying, "Lord, I trust You. My confidence is in You concerning Aaron."

Does my spouse exhibit goodwill? Is he moving toward and/or growing in the things of God?: These two questions are helpful to ponder at times you find yourself being challenged with a trust issue. In many instances I've calmed my fears or doubts by simply putting off judgment until I've answered them, and then looking at the circumstance through that. If I can honestly answer in the affirmative to both of them, then for obvious reasons, the chances are my fears have no rational basis. This is so important to realize - I hope you'll get a hold of this - most of the fears we have are ungrounded, meaning they have no facts to ground, or support, them. More about this in a moment.

So the question is how do we decide if our husband has goodwill or is moving towards God? For me, dealing with the first question was somewhat easy. What I mean is that while my husband was involved in adultery he acted mean and was angry most of the time. He didn't want to spend time with the children or me, and conversation with him was terse. (As a note - this was also the experience of my friend, Meghan, whom I told you about in an earlier post.) Because of this, it wasn't difficult to notice that my husband's behavior changed markedly after ending the affair. When I think of this I am reminded of Acts 26:20 where Paul recounts to King Agrippa that he told people to "perform deeds that are consistent with... repentance." In Aaron's case he certainly did this, and continues to presently. Therefore he demonstrates to me on a consistent basis that he has goodwill toward me.

This leads me to an important piece of advice I'll share before I go on. It is really vital that you keep a journal during this time. Write down the things God is doing - first, in your spouse - and second, in your overall marriage. Record things said and done; answered prayer; and any other insights the Lord gives you. The reason for this, assuming that your husband has been showing goodwill (we will cover what to do if he hasn't in a moment), is that your journal will act as a shield against suspicions, doubts, and fears that Satan may bring your way in an attempt to thwart your marriage restoration. Remember I mentioned a minute ago that most of our fears are unsupported by the facts? Your journal will be the tool you can use to "check the facts." Remember - "Just the facts, ma'am." Meditating on them will often be all that's needed to overcome the extremes of our emotions.

Let me give a quick example from my own journal dated March 18, 2010:

"Aaron was really 'needy' of me yesterday as he was struggling with feeling like he had let Dave C. (a co-worker) down. He called me on his way home from work and said,' I need to talk to you.' Here I was thinking something big must have happened since we had just talked at lunchtime. However, what he really meant was that he needed me to talk to him some more about the Dave C. situation."



Can you see how rereading this would help me to see that my husband has goodwill toward me? He showed a need and desire for my advice. Looking over my journal and seeing that he has goodwill toward me helps me to believe the best about him; even when I'm tempted to doubt him or things "seem" suspicious.

Now, let's take a look at the second question: "Is he moving toward and/or growing in the things of God?" To help you discern the answer to this, let's consider two verses which I combined and prayed everyday while in the midst of the battle for my marriage:

"Godly sorrow brings repentance..." (2 Corinthians 7:10)

 "...God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will." (2 Timothy 2:25-26). 

While we cannot know another person's heart, taking each verse and breaking it down can help us do our best to evaluate our husband's behavior.

The first thing listed is godly sorrow. Does my husband exhibit this? To begin we need a good definition of it. Let's start by noting that it is the opposite of what the Bible calls the "sorrow of the world" - which leads to death. For example, we may assume that this is the type of sorrow Judas Iscariot experienced: "Then when Judas, who had betrayed Him, saw that He had been condemned, he felt remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, saying, 'I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.' But they said, 'What is that to us? See to that yourself!' And he threw the pieces of silver into the temple sanctuary and departed; and he went away and hanged himself." (Matthew 27:3-5) Here we see he sorrowed (felt remorse), but sought no pardon. Oftentimes it's been said that worldy sorrow is only having regret for the consequences of one's sins; whereas godly sorrow seeks to be pardoned for one's sins. So, you and I may rightly ask - has my husband displayed a sincere desire to be pardoned for his offense, and further, does he seek to be reconciled?

Now, while I'm not going to go through every single item in these two verses, I will point out that the phrase "come to their senses" has definitely been one area that's played out in my own husband's life. Starting late last summer I watched as slowly, over the months, he began to demonstrate more and more spiritual sense. The passage that comes to mind as a word-picture of this is yet another one I turned into a prayer - Hosea 14:4-5: "I will heal their apostasy, I will love them freely, For My anger has turned away from them. I will be like the dew to Israel; He will blossom like the lily, And he will take root like the cedars of Lebanon." I think it's important to also point out that when you're looking for spiritual fruit, and applying that to whether you can trust your spouse again, you will need to have much patience. Like all fruit, spiritual fruit takes time to mature.

Here's yet another entry from my journal, dated March 23, that I absolutely cherish. It's such a wonderful reminder that it's the Lord whose at work in my husband, and in my marriage:

"With passage of the healthcare bill I've become more aware of Aaron's strengthening faith. Yesterday, when we were discussing the whole mess, I was more or less throwing up my hands in despair. Gently Aaron kept reminding me, though, that the Lord is in control, that it's just time to start really trusting Him, and that it's okay because these things are likely all a part of bringing prophecy to fulfillment."



However, suppose you're reading this and you don't see goodwill or spiritual growth in your husband? To be honest, what I would then suggest is that you pray and ask God to make anything that may be hidden come to light. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I don't want to give false hope either. You see, when a person is genuinely repentant and fears the Lord (which we know is the beginning of wisdom), he/she will begin to do, and be, what Ephesians 5:15 says, "be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise." However, in Biblical contrast to the wise person is the fool. Of this person God's Word says, "Like a dog that returns to its vomit is a fool who repeats his folly." (Proverbs 26:11) A man who is not acting wisely, ie, has not "come to (his) senses," is a fool according to the Bible, and thus cannot be trusted to refrain himself from repeating his folly.

Before you panic, pray! Whenever you're tempted to do this, no matter how fishy or bad a situation appears to be, pray it through first. I've been amazed at how many times, especially in the beginning, I'd be suspicious and ready to accuse Aaron of something, when suddenly I'd remember this "rule." More often than not I discovered that when I followed it, the Lord would bring peace of mind and the thing I was worried about went away. As a general rule, it's best to keep quiet until we've quieted ourselves before God.

While not comprehensive, I hope these tips will encourage you on your way. Each person's journey is different, but I know that the Lord works in each. Next time we will get back to talking more about the critical role of prayer in healing our marriage. Additionally, we'll discover what the necessary "ingredients" are in making it effectual (James 5:16).

A bit of a "postscript" here. Let me give you a little hope if you're going through the aftermath of your spouse's affair and finding it difficult to trust again. A year ago I would never have thought I'd be where I'm at today in regards to this issue. I can honestly say that I'm just about at 100% regained trust. My husband has consistently proved himself, and I have worked through the challenge with the Lord's help. Friend, keeping looking up because God is in control, He's for your marriage, and He wants to restore trust.
Thanks for stopping by. Have a wonderful time tomorrow with friends and family. Above all, be thankful!

Getting Ready: Stand in the Gap for Your Marriage!

Today I was looking on eBay and Etsy at wood signs and shelf sitters when I came across one that caught my eye. Maybe you've heard or seen the saying before. It said, "Faith is not believing that God can, it's knowing that He will." While not exactly the Biblical definition of faith - "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen," (Hebrew 11:1) - I think it's a maxim we should live by. It evidently is speaking of faith, but relates really well to prayer, the topic of this post. The question then, if this be sound wisdom, is how may we live it out and under what circumstances? I hope you'll join me now as I try to clarify that, as well as explore what God's Word says concerning this matter.

Since we are going on to prayer, it seems appropriate to first talk about the way in which we approach our Heavenly Father. Do we come, as the saying suggests, with hearts full of unwavering faith before His throne of grace? Or, do we sometimes bring our petitions to God while entertaining doubt about whether He will do it - or even if He can?

While either of these are real hindrances to prayer, and in particular, answered prayer, I know that I certainly have been guilty of both. In the case of the latter, I've prayed for a certain thing only to doubt, deep inside, that God could actually do the thing I was asking. Let me give an example that maybe you can relate to. Have you ever prayed for a family member's or friend's salvation but inwardly despaired, "I just don't think so-and-so will ever get saved! She's too far gone;" or, "His heart is too hard;" or maybe, "It would take a miracle?" Too often this has been my experience. I would pray, only to follow up with nagging thoughts like these. Sadly, what this boils down to is seriously underestimating God's power - the power of the One who created the heavens and the earth by His great power and outstretched arm! (Jeremiah 32:17)

In my case it seemed that the only way the Lord could help me overcome this sin of doubt was by giving me trials which developed total dependency on Him. In Psalm 46, verses 1-3, the sons of Korah remind us of the blessing of "trouble" by discovering God to be very real in those situations: "God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; Though its waters roar and foam, Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride." It's as if the writers of this psalm wanted to impress on our hearts that although all these catastrophes would be HUGE and POWERFUL, they're nothing, not even a shred, compared to GOD'S POWER!

Another passage for you and I to consider - and one I encourage you to read over right now if you have your Bible nearby - is Isaiah 40. This amazing chapter, when really meditated upon, will deepen our understanding of how great our God really is! We will become more aware of His holiness; and, in turn, of our lowliness. I think most of us, if we're truly honest, might feel as if the prophet's words stir in us a desire to strip ourselves of the pitifully low view of our creator God, and humbly cry out in fellowship with Isaiah, "Woe is me, for I am ruined! Because I am a man of unclean lips, And I live among a people of unclean lips; For my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts." (Isaiah 6:5)

However, perhaps nothing is so "faith building" than when we have nothing, and nowhere to turn, except to God alone. In the summer of 2009 this was the very place the Lord, in His mercy, brought me to. (If you're just joining us here, you can read the story of my husband's affair by clicking this link: http://oilofhisgrace.blogspot.com/2010/08/what-ive-learned-through-my-husbands.html ). All this reminds me of when Jesus asked the twelve, "You do not want to go away also, do you?” (John 6:67) Simon Peter, sort of being their unofficial spokesperson at times, answered Him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life." I believe that Peter understood by this point that they really had no where else to turn, so he went on and made this incredible statement of faith: "We have believed and have come to know that You are the Holy One of God." (Verse 69) Wow! That's just what our heart attitude should be. Our desperation of having no one else to whom we may go should likewise lead us to have that measure of faith.

If by chance you're reading this and find yourself in a difficult situation, with no earthly comfort, please rejoice as the Word tells us to do in James 1:2-4. Why? Because the Lord is going to use this to bring about the kind of faith in you that moves mountains! When once you've grasped the awesomeness and omnipotence of God, you'll begin to experience answered prayer at a greater level than ever before. This has been my testimony, and the testimony of so many of the great cloud of witnesses. (Hebrews 12:1)

Now, some thoughts occur to me concerning our faith and prayer. First let's consider the words spoken by Jesus in Matthew 7:7-11: “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. 9Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? 11If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" In these verses the Lord gives us what our hearts long for - an assurance that God does indeed hear and answer our prayers. In fact, notice how many times He uses affirmative phrases in verse 7 to emphasize this (I've italicized and bolded them for you above). "It will be given... you will find... it will be opened."

Similarly, verse 8 seems to repeat this pledge of answered prayer by explaining that there is a spiritual law concerning this: "...Everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; to him who knocks it will be opened."  Jesus didn't want us to miss the truth that we should confidently expect an answer to our prayer.

Now, let me also share something interesting from the Greek with you. (No - I'm not a Greek scholar [LOL!], but I did do a bit of research on this verse, and in particular the two verbs, lambanei and euriskei, here translated "receives" and "finds.") When used in this passage in the original language, both of these verbs are in the present active indicative. This means that, first, they are in the present tense - the action is taking place today, or right now. Additionally, according to the late theologian John Gresham Machen, "The indicative mood makes an assertion, in distinction, for example, from a command or a wish." In other words, the indicative mood indicates that the action is really taking place.

Now I don't know about you but I find that pretty exciting! This means that when we bring our petitions to God we are receiving, and when we seek Him we are finding Him. It's not some future event; it's happening now! I hope that by understanding a little more of what the Lord was trying to get across to us here, your faith and hope are beginning to rise. "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13)

However, as wonderful as this promise is, we need to balance this with other Scriptures which show us that there are certain prerequisites we must meet before we experience the blessedness of answered prayer. For starters, we've been discussing faith quite a bit here. We've discovered how seeing God for who He is can help us to believe that He can answer prayer, i.e., that He has power sufficient to bring about the things we ask. Now we must bring the subject of faith full circle and address how it affects whether God will give us what we ask. Again, while it's true that Jesus said we may have confidence in our prayers being heard, we must also consider what He says in Mark 11:22-24, "Have faith in God. Truly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him. Therefore I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you."

In this passage from Mark we see that our faith is directly related to whether we will be granted our petitions, or not. For the best explanation I've read on this let me quote from  Andrew Murray:

"Faith in the promise is the fruit of faith in the Promiser: The prayer of faith is rooted in the life of faith. And in this way the faith that prays effectually is indeed a gift of God. Not as something that He bestows or infuses at once, but in a far deeper and truer sense, as the blessed disposition or habit of soul which is wrought and grows up in us in a life of intercourse with Him." (Gained chiefly by having 'nowhere to turn, except to God!') "Surely for one who knows his Father well and lives in constant close intercourse with Him, it is a simple thing to believe the promise that He will do the will of His child who lives in union with Himself." - From "With Christ in the School of Prayer" by Andrew Murray

So we see from all this that faith is all-important in prayer. It enables us to believe that He can, and He will. We may gain this type of faith by: 1) Meditating on His great power, and 2) Knowing Him more intimately through total dependence and close intercourse with Him. However, look with me at the last sentence in the quote by Andrew Murray. He says, "He will do the will of His child who lives in union with Himself." This is an incredible statement. Many times when we think of prayer, we turn to the familiar scene where Jesus cries out in the garden, "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." (Luke 22:42) In light of this - this was Jesus praying, after all - how could Andrew Murray make such a statement?! It seems too bold, too presumptuous to expect anything like that.

Well, I'm going to leave you hanging. I hope, though, that I've got your curiosity up, maybe just a little. (Sorry, I'm being silly and teasing about that last part.) I would, however, love to cover this question right now but I'm afraid it really will have to wait since this post is getting long. While I'm in a bit of a playful mood here, I do want to tell you seriously that this topic is very "near and dear" to my heart. I'd love it if we all became intercessory prayer warriors! At the very least it's vitally important that we learn to stand in the gap in prayer for our own marriages - and, I dare say, for any that we know are in trouble. Satan is out to destroy the very foundation of our society, which is the family, and we must be ready to oppose him on our knees. Therefore, next time and Lord willing, we'll pick up with what the one other necessary "ingredient" to answered prayer is. Hope you'll join us!

Healing Your Marriage Through Forgiveness: Part 4

Thanks for joining me. This will be the final post in this series on forgiveness. It feels like it's been a long journey (and it has), but hopefully we've learned some things along the way!

There are just two more points I'd like to share with you. I'll admit that I'm really anxious to move on to standing in prayer for your marriage and so that's why I'm combining these into one post. Without further introduction then, let's find out two more ways God uses the grace of forgiveness in our lives.

Forgiveness is God's Way to Witnessing: I actually learned this lesson years ago as an outside observer, long before experiencing the devastation of infidelity in my own marriage. To me, my friend, Meghan, was a living example of godliness. She handled her husband's adultery with grace and dignity. When Mike began having an affair with a co-worker, she clung to the Lord and sought Him prayerfully. After many months of heartache, he finally ended his illicit relationship with the other woman. Together they began the work of rebuilding their marriage and healing the damage to their five children. Meghan was a true inspiration during this time as her faith in the Lord shone brightly all around her.

However, most amazing was the way Meghan's forgiveness of the other woman glorified God. Unlike many couples recovering from adultery, Meghan and Mike still had to deal with this woman almost daily since she continued working in the same office as Mike. As the holidays approached that year, so did the company Christmas party. Mike was nervous to bring it up. When he finally did mention it, Meghan didn't waver. Of course they would go!

Working at a company such as he did, making a large salary, the event was a real "black-tie affair." The ladies were all dressed up and Meghan looked beautiful in her elegant, yet modest, evening gown. Going to the ladies' room, she opened the door to see the "other woman" standing at the sink, freshening up her makeup. Instead of feeling the sting of humiliation, Meghan forgot herself and felt pity for this woman instead. Her heart was heavy for where this person must have been spiritually. The moment seemed supernaturally orchestrated by the Lord; there was no one else in the room but the two of them. With a look of compassion and a gracious smile, Meghan slowly approached and asked if she was Beth. The other woman, who had turned toward her, shakily answered, "Yes," but would not look Meghan in the eyes.

In the next moment, my friend gently wrapped her arms around Beth's shoulders, then stood back and replied, "I just want you to know Beth, that because Jesus forgives me, I forgive you too." For the first time Beth looked up at Meghan, surprise filling her face. Then her hand went to her mouth as she attempted to stifle her astonishment, and tears sprung to her eyes. A second later she lost all composure and began sobbing. Now Meghan was holding her while she cried.

After a few minutes, her tears subsided somewhat and she finally managed, "I always knew you were a Christian." Not too much else was said between the women, but you can be sure that our heavenly Father was looking down and smiling. Through her forgiveness, Meghan had witnessed to this woman that Jesus Christ was real and alive in a profound way. She and Mike have since moved away, but a verse comes to mind whenever I think of her: "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." (Matthew 5:16)

Fast forward several years in my own life to the year 2009. It was the weekend after Christmas. For months now I'd been working hard at maturing into a godly wife after learning of my husband's affair; learning to die to myself and becoming "like a grain of wheat," as mentioned in John 12:24. Taking my "Christmas money" - cash gifts from my parents and in-laws - I treated Aaron to a weekend getaway. Everything went absolutely wonderful: the food was fabulous, the inn romantic, and the activities enjoyable. On the way home we dawdled - stopping here and there like we never wanted it to end. 

While I want to preserve some of the intimacy and specialness of the time for just the two of us, I will tell you that something very significant happened as we were going home on the last evening. It was dark, and because he was tired, my husband had asked me to drive. For most of the way we talked non-stop. However, at one point a couple quiet minutes passed and I noticed that Aaron was staring out his window at the dark countryside. An oncoming car showed me that he was crying. I chose to say nothing and wait for him to talk.

After a few more minutes he said softly, "Why did you spend your money on me? You could have bought something for yourself - instead you repaid me good for my evil." I was incredibly touched. That moment led to us disclosing many things that were on our hearts with each other. However, I think most significant, in a spiritual sense, was what I had "shared," not verbally, but through my actions towards him. For this I can take no credit as there were many times throughout the weekend when I was just itching to say something, and the Lord would whisper, "Quiet."

Inwardly, as we were sharing, I was praying. I was thinking about the Lord's warning to me all weekend and bearing in mind 1 Peter 3:1-2 where the Apostle admonishes wives to "win" their disobedient husbands without a word. Looking back, I really think that because I had kept quiet all weekend, allowing God's grace to be displayed by my deeds, a door of opportunity for me to speak was opened. I was finally able to tell Aaron that I had truly forgiven him, and that our weekend away was simply a reflection of what God had done for me. Glancing over at him, I continued. There was one verse I felt the Lord wanted me to share, so I said something like, "You know, honey, this reminds me of a time in my life. It was when I finally realized what amazing things the Lord had done for me, even though I was a terrible sinner, that I repented and received Christ as my savior. I can't help but think of Romans 2:4 which says that the 'kindness of God leads (us) to repentance.'''

That was just the beginning of breakthroughs the Lord would do in us, and in our marriage. In the months since that precious weekend, my wonderful husband has not only come back to the Lord, he also has a real burden for those who don't know Him! Just a couple days ago he shared with me that he needs to witness to a particular person the Lord has laid on his heart. Praise God!

Finally, a last thought on forgiveness...

Forgiveness is God's Love (As Demonstrated Through His Reconciliation with Us): This one is really quite simple. When we choose to forgive someone who has sinned against us, we choose to become like our Father. God, according to His grace, chose to reconcile the world to Himself through the act of forgiveness.

"...God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them." (2 Corinthians 5:19)

In the same way, while we cannot control the other person's response to our forgiveness, we may offer the only hope of our relationship with that person being restored. Our willingness to bear their sin debt toward us, through the grace of forgiveness, acts as the catalyst for such a possibility to even exist. If you're reading this and the offender is your husband, then forgiving him will be the greatest investment in your marriage you will ever make. I know that in my own experience, forgiving Aaron opened wide the floodgates to all the subsequent things God has done.

May I further suggest that forgiveness is the greatest expression of love we can show. Think of the well-known verse, "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) It was Christ's atonement on our behalf, resulting in forgiveness of sins, that was the very manifestation of His love. Likewise, 1 Peter 4:8 tells us what the outcome of our love in action should be: "...Love covers a multitude of sins." 

For a wonderful commentary of this verse and the role of forgiveness in becoming perfected in love, I'll turn to Gill's Exposition of the Bible. (For those who don't know who John Gill was, he was pastor for 51 years at Metropolitan Tabernacle, the same church that Charles Spurgeon pastored one hundred years later.)

"'For charity shall cover the multitude of sins'; referring to Proverbs 10:12. Not a man's own sins, but the sins of others; and not from the sight of God, for from that only the blood and righteousness of Christ cover sins, even all the sins, the whole multitude of the sins of God's elect; but from the sight of men, both of those against whom they are committed, and others; since charity, or true love, thinks no ill, but puts the best constructions upon the words and actions of fellow Christians, and does not take them up, and improve and exaggerate them, but lets them lie buried in oblivion: it takes no notice of injuries, offences, and affronts, but overlooks them, bears with them, and forgives them, so that they are never raked up, and seen any more; which prevents much scandal, strife, and trouble." (Emphasis mine)

I don't know about you, but I really love the word-picture of forgiveness he paints for us in that last statement - "...so that they are never raked up." However, while we're talking about restored relationships, we must also acknowledge that sometimes, as in my case with the other woman, a relationship with the offender may not be desirable, or even expedient. In such situations the Bible is still clear on what responsibility we do bear before the Lord. Verses such as Romans 12:18 tell us, "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men." Similarly, Hebrews 12:14 says, "Pursue peace with all men." Obviously, the "all men" referred to in both of these verses would include the person who injured us. So, while it's possible that you or I won't ever have any association with the wrongdoer again - we can still be at peace with that person. If we should encounter him or her, we experience no internal conflict and may even wish them well. Most importantly, though, we can rest assured if we are in a state of forgiveness and have peace with God concerning the matter.

Whether the final destination of your own journey is reconciliation or a state of peace, I hope that throughout this series I've been able to convince you that forgiveness towards others is not only possible, but completely attainable. It certainly is not just for "super Christians." Our ability doesn't rest with us, but with God. For "...with God all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26) Secondly, I also hope I've demonstrated the beautiful benefits of forgiveness in order that you may extend it from a heart filled and overflowing with grace. Therefore, my prayer for each of you comes from Paul's statement in Hebrews 13:9 where he says, "For it is a good thing that the heart be established with grace." 

Well, I think that finally wraps up this series! Really it's been good for me too as I've reviewed and thought a lot about the things I've learned while struggling to forgive.

Together we've seen how wonderful our God is as He works in us "both to will and to work for His good pleasure." (Philippians 2:13) As a recap, we discovered that forgiveness is: God's Will; God's Plan; God's Pruning; God's Way; and God's Love. I'm sure there's so many other facets of forgiveness I could have covered, but I shared the main things I felt the Lord wanted me to. I certainly welcome your questions or comments here, or if you prefer, you may contact me privately at titus2homemaker@gmail.com.

Next time, Lord willing, I'll talk about standing in prayer for your marriage. I'll have some practical tips and a whole list of Scriptures that are wonderful to pray. Until then, may God's peace guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7)

Patient Forgiveness - More of My Story

"Bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." Colossians 3:13

I can think of three separate instances where I've needed to develop patience in regards to forgiveness this past year and a half. All are related and each one required the same resolve; but before I tell you about that, please allow me to tell you a little more of my story. I have chosen to be very transparent here, which is hard in many ways. However,I hope that by doing so I may encourage you.

Of course, as I've mentioned numerous times, the person I had an issue with struggling to forgive was the other woman my husband had an affair with during the summer of 2009. For about 3 1/2 months I went on without any forward progress in forgiving her. It was at that time that I got a phone call from Julie who, although an acquaintance, was not a close friend of mine. She had absolutely no idea about Aaron's affair; nor could she have known I was struggling with unforgiveness, save the Lord showing her. Which is exactly what happened, through a dream she had. In this dream, Aaron and I were going through a divorce because I wouldn't forgive and had become bitter. Awaking from it, God clearly said to her, "Now call and warn her."

When she phoned that day she didn't tell me the details of the dream - just that she had had a dream. However, she did make it clear that the Lord was warning me about unforgiveness. My response to this was that I was simultaneously touched by what the Lord had done, as well as scared. I mean I literally had goosebumps! I knew that I'd been holding on to things and that I even felt justified doing it. Not long before this, my pastor had mentioned that I needed to forgive this woman. While outwardly I agreed with him, inwardly I resented it. To be really honest, though it was unreasonable, I felt like he was taking her side! Anyway, Julie and I talked at length. Gently, but firmly, she led me to see how I was allowing Satan a foothold in my life.

After we hung up I checked on the kids and made sure they would be alright a while. The rest of the morning was spent fasting and praying. I was pretty humbled at this point. Deep in my heart I knew I couldn't go on like that - hating that woman and finding it impossible to stop dwelling on the hurt she had caused, or to wish her well. I also knew that my marriage would never really heal until I forgave her. I was overcome with conviction. I asked God to forgive me of my unforgiveness and renounced my involvement with this sin. As I also told you before, from that point on I decided I would forgive this woman. Unfortunately, it was no simple task; the ol' saying "Easier said than done" would perfectly describe my internal conflict for the next couple months.

I really didn't know what to do next. So I began searching the Scriptures about forgiveness. It sounded pretty cut and dry, which honestly frustrated me. As of yet, I still lacked the understanding that it was a choice, not a feeling. I wanted to feel it! I beat myself up, over and over again, because my emotions betrayed me. I'd "forgive" (meaning that I felt good and charitable about doing it), only to "take it back" when I felt angry with her again. Back and forth, up and down, I went. Can you guess who I was growing impatient with in all this? If you guessed me, you're right! What I eventually came to learn, however, is that while forgiving is a choice, most often it takes patience in continually doing what is right, before the hurt is totally released. In a minute, I'll share something I read with you that helped me tremendously in coming to understand this.

The second thing that tried my patience was this woman herself. If you've ever had someone try to hurt you and your family in a malicious way, and then say they did nothing - then you know what I mean! Sometimes it's hard to forgive someone who asks forgiveness, but how much harder when they don't! While I'm not going to rehearse everything she did here (there's really so many different things she did to each one of my family members), the one thing I'll share with you is that she never admitted to her misconduct.

"This is the way of an adulterous woman: She eats and wipes her mouth, And says, "I have done no wrong." Proverbs 30:20

While Aaron was still involved in the affair I had thought about confronting her, but he told me it would do no good because she kept claiming she had done nothing wrong. In fact, even in the end she sent a final text message to my husband the day after he broke it off which sadly demonstrated this. I believe I can quote it verbatim: "You should keep your marriage drama to yourself and leave innocent people like me alone." Now, let me tell you that when I read this it made my blood boil! "Yeah right! Innocent people!" I seethed. What's more, she was going around telling friends of mine, those she knew were aware of her involvement with my husband, that she was "disgusted" by his behavior - coming on to her when he was married and all.

So what did I do with all that? I stayed mad - for months! Then I got the aforementioned phone call, which brought on the period of time I'm calling, "The Crisis of Forgiveness." Again, choosing to forgive her was challenging because she never asked me. I had to "bear with (her)," as it says in the above verse from Colossians, despite this. No excuses! The Lord didn't give me a "pass" from doing what's right just because this person chose not to. Once more, God in His mercy, was also using this facet of the situation to develop long-suffering and patience in me.

Well, just when you think things are getting better - BAM! No really - that's just about what it's like. You're totally broad-sided by something else. But you know what? This time it was different and the Lord had been preparing me for it. I was already well on my way to recovering from the hurt, as well as experiencing freedom through forgiveness, when another hurdle arose. This time a rumor that was startling, and perhaps the worse lie anyone had ever said about me, reached my ears. Now this same woman was telling people that she had been pursued by my husband last year, and because of that I had tried committing suicide! I was dumbfounded - nothing could have been further from the truth. The Lord had been my rock and refuge; not once had I entertained thoughts of dying.

The answer to all of this was simple; in bottom-line language it was patience. I'm reminded of when the Apostle Paul implored (begged, entreated) God three times to make his "thorn in the flesh" depart. (2 Corinthians 12:7-8) Oh how he must have bore it patiently while waiting for God to take it away! Similarly, it seemed I had to bear patiently with this woman and my own response to her - three different times. And how about you - maybe your offender has kept piling on the offenses; three, four, or perhaps even more? But wait a minute -  as we read on in that passage we see that God didn't take Paul's thorn away after all. Instead, the Lord's loving response to him was, "My grace is sufficient for you..." (verse 9). Therefore, from this we may be sure that God, through His matchless grace, supplied all Paul's need - and likewise, will supply yours and mine as well! To fulfill His purposes, He didn't take my "thorn" away; and He probably won't take yours either.

However, His grace will supply you with the power you need to grow the fruit of patience. It's possible that you may agree with this 100%, but you're wondering how you can apply this to your life in practical terms. For me, one thing I found while Googling on the Internet really helped shed light on the how-to of bearing patiently in forgiveness. Let me start with a BIG disclaimer though first! The quote I am going to share is from Rick Warren, whose theology and philosophy I completely disagree with, but whose statement ministered to me in an immense way. I actually printed it out so I could refer to it often. I hope you'll find it challenging as well:

"Every time you remember how you've been hurt, release it. It's got to be constant. When Jesus was asked how often we should forgive someone who sins against us, He said seventy times seven. Or, in other words, we just keep forgiving.

"How do you know when you've totally released the hurt? It doesn't hurt anymore. You might have to forgive someone a thousand times to make that a reality. But every time the pain comes to your mind you say, 'God, I give it to you again. For the hundredth time, Lord, I'm letting them off the hook and relinquishing my right to get even.' Every time you rehearse it, you make the pain go deeper (my emphasis). But every time you release it, the pain gets weaker in your life." - Rick Warren

So, if you're practical like me, it's simply a matter of giving it to the Lord over and over again. It's releasing and relinquishing time and again. Keep doing it and over time you will build your "forgiveness muscles." What seemed so hard will become easier. That's how it was in my life by the time I heard of the rumor going around about me. I'd already been spiritually "working out" for a while and I was able to handle this new obstacle with grace. In fact, I quickly dismissed it and didn't allow it to bother me.

Now, please look again with me at the quote above. He says, "How do you know when you've totally released the hurt? It doesn't hurt anymore." I praise God that is true! One day, several months ago, the kids and I were driving through town. We were stopped at a red light when I noticed that woman in her vehicle opposite me. It was the first time I'd seen her in a long time. I noted it in my mind, but didn't think too much of it. It wasn't until we were at the other end of town that I recognized what had happened. I saw her and had absolutely no emotional reaction to it! I was free! I truly give the Lord all the glory and credit for that.

Today, however, my heart is heavy for someone - maybe it's you, my sister in the Lord. Please know that while God did this work in me, He wants very much to do it in you also. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.''' (Jeremiah 29:11 ESV) I will be praying for you.

Next time, Lord willing, I'll finish up with this series on forgiveness. Just two more points! I've never been able to keep anything short - but I promise I'll try! Until then, "The LORD bless you, and keep you; The LORD make His face shine on you, And be gracious to you; The LORD lift up His countenance on you, And give you peace." (Numbers 6:24-26)

Healing Your Marriage Through Forgiveness: Part 3

Hi there! I'm so glad you're back, or perhaps here for the first time. I just have to tell you that I've really been praying for the readers of this blog and just feel a special burden for each of you - even though I don't personally know you. One day I was thinking about this and decided that maybe the "bond" I feel is not so unusual after all, since we are "sisters" - in the Lord's family!

Anyway, let's jump right in to today's topic. So far, in the first two posts of this series, we've looked at forgiveness being "God's Will" and "God's Plan." Now I want to turn our attention to a third aspect of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is God's Pruning (Resulting in Fruitfulness): Last time we examined Matthew 18 where we read the Parable of the Wicked Servant. Jesus told this parable to illustrate his response to a question Peter had asked. "Then Peter came and said to Him, 'Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?'" (Matthew 18:21)

Now to grasp the significance of what Jesus said, we must understand a little background information. During this time, the Jews taught that a man ought to forgive three times, but not the fourth. So, in saying "seven times," Peter must have thought it a real stretch of charity to go from three times, to seven. It's possible he was even thinking of Genesis 4:15, where God said, "Therefore whoever kills Cain, vengeance will be taken on him sevenfold." Imagine then, if you will, the disciple's astonishment when Jesus answered: "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven." (verse 23)

What Peter didn't understand yet was that Jesus meant there was to be no limit; no fixed number of times we are to forgive. Rather we are to forgive as God does, with mercy and long-suffering. We can almost imagine the Master gently saying: "Patience, Peter. Not just seven times - but many, many times. In fact, as many times as it takes." One commentary I referred to may have summed it up best - "Forgiveness is qualitative, not quantitative." (Vincent's New Testament Word Studies)

As for you and I, a good question we should ask ourselves in the midst of a crisis of forgiveness is this: "What purpose does the Lord have for me in this?" If we know and believe the words of Romans 8:28, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose," then the immediate answer is that He means something good to come from our current mess. 

In light of Jesus' response to Peter, could it be that the Lord is using this trial, painful as it may be, to bring about a needed change in you? I can certainly attest to this in my life. May I go on to suggest that one reason He may have allowed this to happen is to help you develop Christ-like long-suffering (perseverance, endurance)? Look with me at a few passages that demonstrate what I mean:

"3And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope..." (Romans 5:3-4)

"2Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, 3knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4)

"6In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, 7so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ..." (1 Peter 1:6-7)

Without a doubt, we see from these verses that the means of our spiritual growth is trials and tribulation. They are actually God's mercy toward us. This trouble you're facing, and the thing God is asking you to do in forgiving your offender, will most definitely result in you growing in patient long-suffering. Simply put - trials are God's way of "pruning us." Remember the words of Jesus in John's Gospel, "I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit." (John 15:1-2)

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." (Galatians 5:22-23)  

In every one of those three passages above, and so many more throughout the Scriptures, you see the progressive nature of patience:

 1.) It leads to other virtues which....
 2.) Ultimately leads to our hope of seeing Jesus, and bringing glory to Him one day.

Now let me tackle both of these points. First, in 2 Peter 1:5-8 the Bible tells us, "Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, 6and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, 7and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. 8For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." From this there's so many things I could point out! Two I'll mention though is that in this passage Peter ends his list of qualities with love. Likewise, the Apostle Paul told us that the greatest of these (virtues) is "love." (1 Corinthians 13:13) If we are unforgiving, we cannot possibly be simultaneously loving. Yet what is the very thing we are commanded by the Lord to do towards our enemies? That's right - love them. (Matthew 5:44) This sort of makes us squirm, doesn't it?! However, our patience and long-suffering, developed through our godly choice to forgive, will lead us on the road to becoming perfected in love.

This second point I'll direct once more to you. Please look again above at 1 Peter 1:6-7 and notice that your faith, after it's been tested through trials such as you may be experiencing right now, will culminate in bringing glory and honor to the Lord Jesus. Praise God! Similarly, in John 15:8 we are told: “My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples." Your suffering, like Jesus' own, is never in vain, but produces fruit and is to the Father's glory.

Oh, I get so excited by this! My prayer is that excitement and hope are beginning to rise in you too! Bear in mind - there is a divine plan and purpose to your affliction, and mine. Forgiveness is sometimes hard; but we learned previously that we've been given all we need to do it. His strength is indeed made perfect in our weakness. Finally, today we also saw that our choice to forgive sets us on an exhilarating path of growth and, ultimately, glory to God.

"To this end also we pray for you always, that our God will count you worthy of your calling, and fulfill every desire for goodness and the work of faith with power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus will be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12)

Friend, that's my prayer for you as well. Go in peace! As always, feel free to comment here if you like.