Identifying & Overcoming Obstacles to Healing - Part 2: Discouragement

I'm going to make a quick disclaimer here before I get any email or comments regarding whose "fault" it is when adultery happens. When I spoke about a wife's sin leading to the breakdown of her marriage in the last post, or again refer to it in this post, I am talking about women married to men who generally have had goodwill toward their wife. I do not speak of men of such low-character who are abusive, habitual and life-long adulterers.

Last time, as I began this series on obstacles to healing after adultery, I discussed disillusionment. If you'll recall, I said that disillusionment begins with a longing to return to what we believe was a "better time" in our marriage; ie, before the affair. Most often, however, this notion of how things were is only an illusion, a false perception, of the past. If we're truthful with ourselves, and more importantly with God, we discover that there was much wrong in our marriage and our hearts before infidelity entered the picture. It's at this point, the point where we realize that we contributed - perhaps greatly - to the breakdown of our marriage, that we must be sober and alert. The reason for this is that Satan, our enemy, would love to use this revelation to propel us into the next "D" (which I'll be talking about in a moment) and hinder us from moving forward.

Look with me if you will at 2 Corinthians 2:11, "...Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices." Now, in context Paul is discussing the issue of forgiveness and restoration in this passage from 2 Corinthians. However, the principle which we can, and indeed must, draw from the first part of this verse is this: Satan will use any situation he can (for he's the epitome of the word "opportunist") to defraud and take advantage of us. If he can rip us off of a lifetime-covenant, God-honoring marriage to the man we pledged ourself to, he will use any means to accomplish it. You see, above I said that he would use your disillusionment with the past to keep you from moving forward; but, in reality, he won't stop there. His real desire is to get us to give up on our marriage entirely. That is his ultimate goal. For this reason, we must be discerning, and, as the second part of 2:11 says, "...Not ignorant of his devices."

We've already covered one of those devices and I will get to the next one the Lord has laid on my heart in a just a second. First, though, I want to encourage you by sharing part of a beautiful email I received from a reader this week. I hope that you'll rejoice as I did, because it so perfectly illustrates the fact that as we face the past truthfully, with the light of God's Holy Spirit, it actually becomes the means to healing. As a little background, this dear lady was married many years and had grown children when her husband's emotional affair came to light. It's been almost a year since that time. Here's a quote from her email:

"Infidelity is something that NEVER even crossed my mind. Seriously! If you lined up every man I know, my husband would of been the last person I would of ever picked to do this. It is really hard to believe it has been almost a year. In some ways it seems like a lifetime and in some ways it seems like yesterday. As CRAZY as this seems, I WOULD NEVER GO BACK! Now I know God doesn't tempt us or cause us to sin but I also know he uses ALL things for my good and HIS glory!  I can't think of another way for HIM to get my undivided attention like this has. I will NEVER be the same."

Friend, I hope her words encourage you! God is so great! I'm reminded of a wonderful verse: "Who can utter the mighty acts of the LORD? Who can shew forth all his praise?" (Psalm 106:2) He truly does do mighty things in hearts and marriages - if we will just let Him!

So, without further delay let's go ahead and continue with our discussion of the four Ds as obstacles of healing. We will focus today on the second one. Since I believe this will end up a four part series, I hope you'll stay tuned.

Another "D" Word

2. Discouragement: Obviously I don't need to tell you what this one is. But I do have several things I'd like to point out in relation to it and your marriage restoration. While the first "D," disillusionment, is often one of the earliest obstacles we face in this process, discouragement is what may follow. Again, as I alluded to in the opening paragraph, this is partly due to a sense of being overwhelmed when we finally acknowledge our sin and responsibility in undermining our marriage. The other part, however, is that we may begin to feel as if our spouse is not doing their work in healing the relationship, or progressing the way they should. In this post, while we'll tackle aspects of both parts, we may for now conclude this: Disillusionment deals with issues of the past, while discouragement deals with issues of the present.

Let's explore discouragement, as it relates to marriage restoration, a little then. What does it "look like?" One helpful way to discover the answer is to examine our heart when considering this question. What I mean is to note the kinds of thoughts that go through our head when we're struggling with discouragement through the events of an ordinary day. This, I believe, will give us pretty good insight into what tendency we have in not only allowing them to enter our minds, but also in entertaining them.

To demonstrate, I'll give you a fictional scene from my everyday life. Then, I'll pick apart what my thoughts were to see if the same kind of thoughts and feelings have occurred when dealing with the state of my marriage. I believe this will give us a picture of what kinds of thoughts comprise discouragement, and what to watch out for. (Please note! The story below is completely made up - and perhaps a bit comical. I praise God that I don't have too many days where my thoughts run away like that anymore. However, it's worth telling you that before I came to recognize the following schemes of the devil, and the bent of my own carnal nature, I had many such days.)

Here's the scenario: To begin, on this particular day, I overslept and felt upset with myself for doing it. Because I was running late I had to skip devotions which I just hate to do because I never feel right when I miss them! Then, when I came into the kitchen I stepped on something wet - and slimy. Yuck! One of the cats threw up all over my new kitchen rug! (Did I mention that it was new?!) Just then something occurred to me. I thought to myself, "Wasn't Aaron just here a minute ago?! He must have seen it! Why didn't he clean it up?!" Now I was hurt and mad, with cat throw-up all over the bottom of my slipper. "He doesn't care about me! He never cares about anyone but himself! You know, come to think of it - why didn't he wake me up? He knew I wanted to get up by six o'clock." Storming to the bathroom where he was, I demanded an answer to these questions. I ended up having a fight with him.

Ten hours later - after two kids, who never cooperate, gave me a hard time during home school and the dishwasher broke (it seems like that thing is always breaking and, of course, the repairman can't come until next week!), I was tired and just wanted to sit down. But, my luck, I had a mountain of laundry to fold and supper to start. Because I was just so exhausted I thought I'd make something simple, maybe some pancakes. When I went to the pantry I about blew a gasket! "Who used up all the flour?! How can I make pancakes without any flour?!" In frustration I looked around and thought to myself, "Calgon take me away!" (If you grew up in the seventies there's a good chance you remember that commercial.) Finally, I shuffled into the living room, plopped myself on the couch, and cried out to no one in particular, "I give up! I can't do this anymore!"

Now, that was kind of silly. Not too far out there, though, that we can't analyze a few things about the way discouragement takes shape. The first thing we see is an inability to forgive oneself. Although in my example it was a minor thing to say that I was upset with myself for oversleeping, imagine with me what effect that type of thinking might have on my marriage, or yours, if either one of us were unable to let go of our past sins and mistakes. Especially those that relate to our failures to be a godly wife. Easily, this sort of bondage could make a wife want to quit trying and think to herself, "There's so much water under the bridge - what's the use?" 

My solution to this, however, is to be a follower of Jesus Christ! Now, what do I mean by this, you might ask? Remember, in John chapter 8, the woman who had been caught in adultery? What was it that Jesus said to her? He said, "I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more." (Verse 11) Therefore, if we've been forgiven by God we must be like Jesus and follow His example. We should not "condemn" ourselves any longer and neither should we continue to beat ourselves up. And, like this woman, because we've been forgiven by God, we have only to do one thing - go and "sin no more." It's as simple as that. Jesus didn't tell her to do penance; neither did He tell her she might as well just give up. No! In compassion He told her to stop doing the sinful and offensive behavior.

Friend, it's the same with us. Are you feeling miserable, perhaps, over some sin that you now realize you'd been committing against your husband that may have led him to look to another woman? I know, I know - I've been there! I felt horrible about it too. I felt as if I must have been about the worst wife around. But I chose not to stay in that place! You don't have to either. Get up now - the Lord will give you strength and He'll help you in your desire to become what you should be as a wife. It's not too late - don't you believe that for a moment! Believe instead the Scripture, "...Our God will count you worthy of your calling, and fulfill every desire for goodness and the work of faith with power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus will be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12) He'll do great things in you yet, because in changing you into a godly wife, He'll be glorified!

The second thing about discouragement is the tendency toward irrational thoughts. These are a killer! There are two examples of them in my fictional scene: 1) Extremes and absolutes as seen in, "He never;" "Two kids who never (cooperate);" and "The dishwasher that is always (breaking)."

Dear sister, be very careful of this type of thinking. Better yet, eliminate it altogether. No one is always this, or never that. To think or say that they are is both counter-productive to resolution, as well as judgemental. Hypocritically judgmental; such as the type of judgement Jesus opposed in Luke 6:42, "Or how can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother's eye." And in principle we must remember, "For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you." (Matthew 7:2) You see, just as you or I would be offended if someone judged us as always or never doing something, we too need to refrain from such judgements.

Honestly, these sort of things, which are usually said during heated encounters, remind me of yet another Bible verse: "There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword." (Proverbs 12:18) So then, recognize these thoughts - which often lead to words "like the thrusts of a sword" - when they accompany discouragement. Instead take them captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5) because they are judgemental and in opposition to the truth.

2) The second type of irrational thoughts is unreasonable expectations and/or accusations. While in the story above these were both destructive; how much more so in the context of healing a marriage after adultery. In the case of expectations, we tend to focus on our perception of how things ought to be, and in essence replace godly wisdom with worldly wisdom. But consider these verses: "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9) Also, James 3:15,17 which says, "This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic...But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy."

Let me encourage you to consider that God may be doing something in your spouse that you can't see; therefore, your expectations may be way out of line with the Lord's purposes and timing. Let's go back and look at just two of the qualities of godly wisdom ("the wisdom from above"). It says it "peaceable" and "reasonable." These are completely opposite to our expectations which usually promote strife and/or resentment, and are, many times quite unreasonable. 

Now, I doubt if I have to tell you how discouraging it would be to have such high standards for your spouse so that he never measures up. Ironically, though, that's what we often do. How much better it would be to pray and ask, "Lord, please examine my heart. Does this describe me? Do I have unrealistic expectations of my husband?" 

Certainly, though, someone may wonder if in the case of our husband helping to heal the wounds he inflicted by his adultery, aren't we justified in having high expectations? Well, yes and no. I would say that your spouse, if he's serious about getting right with God, should be demonstrating it by his commitment to working on the marriage. But again, there is some danger on our part  - for who are we to judge the degree, length of time, etc. to which he must do it? This one's hard - very hard; and we scream inside to have our way with it! In my case, I wanted my husband's repentance to look like "this," but you know what? It didn't. It never did. Therefore, I had a decision to make: Was I going to accept that and move on in my marriage? Or was I going to demand things be done my way and risk losing my husband altogether?

I finally decided that our marriage was being restored by JESUS, not by me, so I could let go of those expectations. I reasoned that Aaron belonged to God and chose to heed Paul's admonition to the Romans, "Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls; and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand. (Romans 14:4, emphasis mine)

Quickly, before I go on to the number three way of discouragement, let me say a word about the other type of irrational thinking - unfair accusations, which are tied to distrust. In recovering from an affair these are going to be natural. Let's face it, you will not gain back trust for a cheating husband overnight. But knowing this can be helpful. You can cut yourself a break by realizing you're not alone; this "dilemma," if you will, has been experienced by almost every betrayed spouse. Please know that it does take time - but that it also eventually gets better. There are steps you can take to help regain trust. For more insight into how to do this, please read my previous post on this subject entitled, Regaining Trust After the Affair.

Lastly, in connection to discouragement I need to talk about feelings. In my little scenario above, you might have noticed quite a few words pertaining to how I felt. For one, I was feeling very sorry for myself. Two, my feelings dictated my behavior. (Now I've stepped on some toes, haven't I?) Allowing myself to do these two things could certainly have been the cause for my ruined fictional day. Things sort of snowballed on account of my feelings. If that be the case then, I believe it's so important to keep our feelings in check while we're in the real battle against discouragement in our marriage restoration. The reason for that is that our feelings are neither accurate, nor trustworthy. They are shifting and constantly changing. Additionally, we are specifically told in God's Word not to walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. (Romans 8:4)

If we can't trust our feelings, what can we trust? The only thing we can reliably put our trust in is the Lord Jesus Christ. He is steadfast and never changes! (Hebrews 13:8) Dear friend, I encourage you to cast all your cares - your feelings, your anxieties - on Him, because He cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7) Armed with the knowledge of His care, you will be able to stand firm and do what's right, rather than being compelled to "obey" your feelings.

In addition to casting your cares on Him, purpose to "Watch over your heart with all diligence," knowing that, "from it flow the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23) All the while recognizing that Satan is conspiring against your marriage with the fiery dart of discouragement. You will need to be on special alert during times when you are physically and emotionally worn out; as well as times when you're unable to spend as much time with the Lord as you would like. Did you notice that in my little scenario both of these things were factors? Try and get adequate rest, therefore, and make Bible study and prayer your number one priority. Finally, know that Satan tries to get you discouraged in many ways, but three key ways we've discovered are through: 1) The inability to let go of our own past mistakes... 2) Irrational thoughts... and 3) Our feelings.

This has been a long post - sorry about that! I have such a heart to help someone who may be struggling with these things that sometimes I just get carried away. I would love to hear from any of you, and as always you may reach me privately by email: titus2homemaker@gmail.com. May we all seek God and hunger to know Him more and more this week!

Identifying & Overcoming Obstacles to Healing - Part 1: Disillusionment

Yesterday, as I was putting together some thoughts on the subject that I had intended to write about, I felt strongly that perhaps I've given the wrong impression. I wonder if I've made it seem that everything has been wonderful and rosy for Aaron and I during the process of healing our marriage. Almost as if, through prayer, every day has been better than the last.

Well, let me just assure you, in case you've been reading this blog and comparing notes; if you're thinking to yourself that some days are just plain BAD between you and your spouse, that that's definitely been the case with us as well. There have been some bad days. Some really bad days. It hasn't always been a stroll through the park. However, let me also emphasize this: although there have been times when we seemed to be taking two steps forward then one step back, overall it's been very good. The Lord has been faithful and we continue to learn and grow together. Additionally, I should add here that Aaron's spiritual growth, as well as mine, has also not always appeared to be moving forward. In fact, it's been a cycle of ups and downs; but again, the overall sense has definitely been one of growing in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Maybe an analogy will help. I enjoy growing African Violets. I have four plants of different varieties. At times, they amaze me with their growth; they seem to be outgrowing their pots when I've just barely put the potting soil away. Other times, I ask myself, "What's wrong with these plants?" I wonder why one is looking yellow, while another has ugly spots on its leaves. What's more, there's the flowers - each plant seems to bloom at a different time! However, one thing is certain: They're all growing. I'd even say that they're all thriving. It's just that sometimes it's more apparent than at other times.

To be sure, conditions will affect the plants: Are they getting enough water? Am I watering the proper way or am I being careless? Are they receiving the right amount of light? Anyway, you get the idea. If any of these details are neglected or overlooked, they will suffer. Sometimes, though, they just aren't growing as fast for no particular reason; there is nothing I could change or do that would make them grow any faster.

It's the same with us and our marriage restoration. Sometimes you and your spouse will really seem to be growing as a couple, and other times you won't. There will be periods when things are blooming, and periods when there may be some ugly "spots" in your marriage. Some days you may just need to pray about what conditions need to be changed. All this is totally normal! Just like I would never give up on any of those plants - I have nursed at least one African Violet that looked to be at death's door back to health - so you and I should not give up on our marriages either.

Therefore, in this post I hope to encourage those of you who right now may be feeling discouraged about your marriage restoration. In this and the next post I'm going to identify what I'm calling the "four Ds:" obstacles that can keep us from moving forward in that process, and how we can overcome them. Additionally, I believe that even if you aren't working through marriage issues, but are facing a different trial, this post is for you, too, as these are common challenges to anyone working to heal.

First thing then, before we get started, I'd like to give you a verse to cling to on deep, dark days that is very fitting: "For a just [man] falleth seven times, and riseth up again..." (Proverbs 24:16) Simply put, this means don't give up! As my pastor said recently - keep doing the right thing, for the right reason. If you've fallen down, messed up, or just feel discouraged - get up and try again. Remember God's faithfulness; in light of it, will you believe that He'll see you through? Dear sister, I know He will. Not one situation, from near disaster to the smallest bump in the road, in the healing of your marriage, escapes His notice. He knows about it already and desires to give you the answer because His Word tells us, "He layeth up sound wisdom for the upright." ((Proverbs 2:7) Praise God for this and let it encourage you.

Four Obstacles to Marriage Restoration

To begin, let me say that I experienced every one of these obstacles to healing at various times during the rebuilding of our marriage. While each of them may naturally occur when working through a painful situation, it seemed in my case as if Satan kept attempting to exploit them to bring about his own purposes. How good he is at rubbing salt into an open wound! Thankfully we have the verse of Scripture which tells us, "You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world." (1 John 4:4) The Lord helped me to stand strong. Looking back, however, I can see that had I allowed any of these to take hold of me, our story might have had a different ending. 

But before we go on, please allow me to give you this warning up front: Beware lest you allow the enemy to come in through any one of these four Ds, much like the "fiery darts" spoken of in Ephesians 6:16; plummeting you and/or your marriage into ruin. We know that Satan would love nothing more; for he comes to steal, kill, and destroy. (John 10:10) On the other hand, please also be encouraged. They don't have to if you learn to identify and handle them Biblically. With that said, then, let's go ahead and take a look at what these four obstacles are:

1. Disillusionment: This is what happens when we look too much to the past, idealize it, and long to recapture it. However, in the case of adultery, there comes the inevitable raw moment. Sometime, during the process of restoration, we face the truth about life before the affair, though perhaps we'd rather not. We may go back and forth for some time, trying to believe that our marriage was really good before all "this" happened - and just wanting that back. It's possible to wander around in limbo like this for a while, unable to wrap our mind around the fact that what we believed about ourselves, and our marriage, may not have been true. It's natural, during this time, to go back to holding on to our illusion with wistful thoughts like, "That was before the affair," or, "Back in the good 'ol days."

Often disillusionment will be accompanied by deep regret and an impossible wish to turn back the clock - to a time, I might add, that never really existed! I cannot overstate how many days I spent in this pit; fantasizing that I'd open my eyes and it would have all been a bad dream. The longing for a better place and time would be so intense at times that it would be physically painful. I've read that this is an almost universal feeling shared by betrayed spouses.

However, the actual realization of the truth - ie, the moment of disillusionment with the past - isn't what keeps us from moving forward. Rather, it's the defeated feeling of "What's the use then of trying to repair this marriage?" that results from it, that is most often the cause. Notice my use of the word "defeated" in that last sentence. I chose it because not only does it really describe that feeling (and just so happens to be another "D" word); but it also emphasizes the spiritual truth of what the enemy wants us to be - defeated! That's why recognizing disillusionment for what it is, and realizing that the past does not dictate the future, may help.

So how can you recognize if you're stuck in this state? My answer is simple: Wishing, wishing, wishing - that's the main "symptom." If you find that you want to be more in the make-believe past, than in the grievous present, it's possible you're experiencing disillusionment. Oh, how I empathize with you, friend, if you're struggling with this right now!

Now, what can we do to tackle this with God's wisdom? First, I think it begins with a question. I want you to be brutally honest - if things were really all that great before, then why was there an affair in the first place? Ouch - I know that one hurts because eventually I had to ask myself that question too. And face the answer squarely. I needed to do this whether I felt like it or not.

But maybe you're going through a different trial - then let me ask this: What is it that God was perhaps trying to deal with you before this happened that you shrugged off or ignored? No matter which of these questions you ask yourself (or maybe both!), you will need to be in prayer and ask God to reveal the answer to you. Beyond this, think on God's Word. What does the Bible say about dwelling in the past? Is it ever recommended? That's a rhetorical question but one that I hope makes a point. Of course we're not to dwell in the past; only learn from it. Remember what the Apostle Paul tells us: "...one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead." (Philippians 3:13)

So then, I'm encouraging you, if you haven't already, to remove any blinders you may be wearing. See your past, including your own actions and behavior, for what it really is. I know it's possible that some might say, "Oh, but that's scary, I'm not sure I want to probe too much into the past." However, it's important to find out what the Bible has to say about this. (You may wonder where I'm going with this, but bear with me). It tells us that the only way to be free, and subsequently experience healing, is to know the truth. John 8:32 says, "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."  Additionally, Clarke's commentary on this verse says, "No man is truly free, but he in whose heart the power of sin is destroyed."

Now, I can't tell you what sin you need to be free from, but I can tell you this: If there's been an affair - emotional or physical, it matters not - there is, without a doubt, something in your marriage history that is not right, and is sin. Yes, I know that your husband sinned too - maybe even more - but that isn't for you to worry about. That's God's job; you just worry about you. In my case, it didn't take too long in asking God to show me my sin, that which had contributed to the breakdown of our marriage, for Him to do it. I will be sharing this with you soon. I know this will sound blunt, but for the sake of the future get out of the past and face the truth! This will be the only way to destroy the power of that sin, whatever it may be, from ever hurting you and your marriage again.

In closing this first post on this subject let me remind you that God's Word, in Psalm 19:12, says, "Who can understand his errors? Cleanse thou me from secret faults."

Secret faults. Do you have any? In one commentary it says that the psalmist was referring to errors and faults which had been hidden from the eye of him who had committed them. How true! We are truly blind to our own faults. But the good news is that through the power and ministry of the Holy Spirit we have God's Holy Light so that we may exult, "...In Your light we see light," (Psalm 36:9) and our destructive ways may be revealed and healed.

In summary, then, if you're dealing with disillusionment here are three ways to overcome it: 1) Ask yourself tough questions about the past. 2) Face the truth about the past and stop dwelling there. (If necessary, remind yourself often that, in reality, it wasn't all it should have been.) 3) Discover your faults, confess them to God, and ask Him to help you change.

I hope to post Part 2 tomorrow or Wednesday, Lord willing. So glad you stopped by! May He be the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort to you this week! (2 Corinthians 1:3)

More Answered Prayer for My Husband (And a Word on Prayer for Marriage Restoration)

"I will heal their apostasy,
         I will love them freely,
         For My anger has turned away from them.

 I will be like the dew to Israel;
         He will blossom like the lily,
         And he will take root like the cedars of Lebanon.

His shoots will sprout,
         And his beauty will be like the olive tree         
And his fragrance like the cedars of Lebanon.

Those who live in his shadow
         Will again raise grain,
         And they will blossom like the vine.
         His renown will be like the wine of Lebanon."

Hosea 14:4-7

I felt I needed to write a "postscript" to last night's post. Specifically I wanted to mention the blessing of praying Hosea 14:4-7 for your spouse as they begin to recover their spiritual "senses." (2 Timothy 2:26) In the text (above) we see that God foretold that He would heal the nation of Israel's backsliding. While I recognize that when God spoke these words He was giving a promise to Israel, I also believe that there is a spiritual principle here of the sanctifying work of God which is for all believers. So then, let's first note that this passage speaks of these things as God's work. They're not ours, we can't heal our spouse's past - only God can. Looking closer at the text I highlighted in pink, we see that He promised to do three things: Heal them, love them, and be "like the dew" to them.

Without getting too much into it, I can say that this passage perhaps more than any other, has been one of the most meaningful ones I've prayed for my husband's spiritual restoration. Hosea 14:4-7 is the essence of what God wants to do in the hearts of men. In Aaron's life, as I prayed that God would heal his "apostasy", this came to pass in many ways.

First, as I've already talked about, he was granted godly sorrow that led him to repentance. Next he renounced (or as the King James and NASB would say, "denied") his ungodliness by beginning to do what was right. (Daniel 4:27; Titus 2:12) This meant that in our case, since we were recovering from his emotional affair, he began to be accountable to me and our pastor. He willingly checked in by phone with me throughout the day and allowed me to ask a lot of questions - especially in the beginning. He also made himself available whenever I needed to talk, even if it was about the pain he had caused me. Finally, God healed his apostasy by enabling him to become "transformed by the renewing of his mind." (Romans 12:2) I stated this before, but his entire way of thinking changed and began to line up with God's Word.

As for God loving him, this has also become a reality for Aaron. For the first time in his life he is confident that God loves him. He knows that he is a beloved son because the Lord has poured out His love within his heart. (Romans 5:5) God has been faithful to honor His word in Hosea - His wonderful word which promises that He will love us freely - as it's been prayed by not only me, but others who care about my husband as well.

"I will be like the dew to (him)." Oh, how this has been answered! The Lord has truly become my husband's rock and his hiding place. When the storms of life, like a hectic job, have hit hard, Aaron has found refreshment in the Lord. Also, I think the fact that God has enlightened the eyes of his heart (Ephesians 1:18) by helping him to have greater understanding of His word, is an answer to this prayer as well. Everyday Aaron is strengthened and encouraged, and oftentimes convicted, as he spends time studying the Bible.

Now, these have been just a few glimpses of the things God has done in response to praying this passage in Hosea. It's been a highlight of my prayer life this last year and a half. As a side note let me say this - if you're recovering from a spouse's adultery, the entire book of Hosea may be a tremendous encouragement to you if you have not read it. If you have, you may wish to reread it. I think you will find many parallels there to what you've been through, and will come away from it with insight and wisdom.

One last thing! Lest you think that I forgot to include answered prayer for our marriage in my last post, I want you to know that I'll be including quite a bit about that in the near future. I'm very excited and looking forward to sharing all that's happened, and is happening, in greater detail. I'll be turning once again to Hosea 14 and sharing some things as they relate to that passage.

However, before I close now can I give one bit of advice? This is for those of you whose marriages are in recovery: Pray that God will restore and heal your marriage a hundred-fold. Then ask Him to make it better than it's ever been. I have probably prayed this prayer a thousand times and have seen such wondrous results from it. If you don't know where or how to begin praying for your marriage, then this is a good place to start. It's the kind of prayer that God honors; demonstrating both your trust and dependence on Him. And remember what I said before - God is always for marriage. Therefore, He will not only hear your prayer, He will most certainly answer it.

Go in peace this week!

The Way God Answered Prayer for My Husband's Spiritual Growth

"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." Psalm 119:105










Prayer journal dated 5-1-10:

"Aaron is changing so much! It's all the Lord's doing. Last week Aaron shared with me how God had used John chapters 1&3 to open his eyes to really understand that we have no part in getting saved - that it's all God, as He does the drawing. Apart from Him we would have no interest in the things of God. This realization has finally given him assurance of his salvation.

Then, just the other night, we had a great phone conversation while he was on his way to a meeting. He said that before he didn't really feel like obeying God because he wasn't sure it would matter, especially if he wasn't even saved. He explained how all that is changing now and wondered how many others there are who grew up like him, fearing they weren't saved or could lose their salvation, and who don't really understand the grace of God. Then he laughed and said, 'I guess I'm a late bloomer!' "

Hi there, friend. I hope this finds you rejoicing in God's blessings as we begin another new year. Today, when I had a little time in the car as I was coming home from a doctor's appointment, I realized I actually had tears in my eyes as I meditated on the Lord's faithfulness and His work in our lives and our marriage. In a strange way it was sort of sad to see 2010 come to an end because of the amazing changes and growth that took place in us over that twelve month period. As if echoing my sentiments my husband said suddenly to me the other day, "You know, you and I had a great year last year."

Well, of course, we didn't just get to that place by wishful thinking! Honestly I know it was because of an awakened passion for prayer that we were able to experience the victories we did. The battle always begins on our knees. And so, in this post, I will highlight some of the main areas of answered prayer, beyond my husband's repentance, that the Lord has graciously granted.

...That (he) May Come to His Senses

I shared last time about the way the Lord, in His amazing timing, brought my husband to repentance. What I didn't tell you was that it was literally the eleventh hour. You see, even though I had finally committed myself to the idea of loving Aaron unconditionally, and even "standing" unconditionally for my marriage, when I discovered that he was sneaking around with the other woman a second time, I thought I had failed and my efforts were useless. I was confused and questioned why I had ever thought to do those things in the first place. "What use is there in staying in this marriage if he still wants her after all I've done?" I asked myself. It was a Friday afternoon and I figured that on Monday morning I would have to call the lawyer. I went to meet my friend for coffee, but that felt hopeless and useless, too.

Now a strange thing happened while I was at the restaurant pouring my heart out to my friend, Rachel. She and I both felt a strong prompting to agree together in prayer. We had talked, now the only thing to do was pray. The best way I can describe those moments is to say that they were desperate - like being sucked down but trying to keep your head above the water. What she and I didn't know was that at the exact time we were praying, God In His mercy was bringing my husband to repentance.

Now, I tell you all this: 1) To be honest! I hope I have never have given the impression that I did everything right. I made plenty of mistakes and sinned a great deal along the way. In this case, at this critical junction, I failed to truly be committed to my marriage unconditionally. Ultimately, however, I failed to trust God with my marriage. 2) To show that my husband really had lost his senses like what is referred to in 2 Timothy 2:26 since at the time he was willing to risk losing his marriage, and his family, for a woman the Bible would call a harlot.

But that's not all! Aaron's whole worldview was crazily skewed through the influence of this woman. I wish I could say that at the moment he repented all his manner of thinking was straightened out and went back to the way it had been. It didn't. But through the months that followed I continued to pray the second half of the "prayer" from 2 Timothy 2:25-26: "Lord, please let him now come to his senses and (completely) escape the snare of the devil, for he's been taken captive by Satan to do his will." I would continue from Colossians 1:13, "For Your glory won't You please also rescue him from the domain of darkness and transfer him to the kingdom of Your Beloved Son?"

Now, my problem is how to communicate to you all the wonderful and amazing ways the Lord has answered this prayer! It would take a book - for that's what my prayer journal practically is! So let me just say this then: God has answered this prayer in a million ways. Over the months it seemed as if the words of the Lord, recorded in the book of Ezekiel, had come to pass in Aaron:

"Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will be careful to observe My ordinances." Ezekiel 36:25-27

Specifically I saw that he began to love the things God loves, and hate the things God hates. He genuinely grew to "abhor what is evil, and cling to what is good." (Romans 12:9) Also, he began to once again treasure the Bible and believe that it truly is God's inspired Word to us. In fact, after some months he would often tell me, in whatever situation we faced, that "God's Word has an answer for this." Then he'd spend the time searching the Bible for the wisdom we needed. Finally, I noticed that his desire to obey and please the Lord grew exponentially, and I praise our Father that it continues to grow in the present. Many, many times I hear him say that he just wants to please God. Oh how my soul magnifies the Lord for His glorious works!

Grace and Truth

John 1:17 tells us, "For the law was given by Moses, but grace and truth came by Jesus Christ." If ever there were two things Aaron needed (or you or I), it's grace and truth. Already I've shared quite a bit about this in previous posts and it's why I chose the quote from my prayer journal at the beginning of this one. It so beautifully demonstrates the way the Lord has done a work in my husband's heart regarding understanding the grace of God in truth. (Colossians 1:6) 

Now, of course, there were many things besides the gospel that I wished and prayed my husband would understand the truth about. One such area that began to be impressed upon my heart was in regards to the roles of men and women. In studying the Bible and reading certain books I became convinced that many of our problems, throughout the history of our marriage, were a result of failing to understand the God-given order and plan for the family. Yet, if you had asked us years ago if we knew about this, we probably would have answered that of course we did!

However, because God was revealing His ways to me through prayer and Bible study, I came to humbly realize that Aaron wasn't the only one who needed greater understanding. Among other things, in the early months of our marriage restoration God was simultaneously teaching me about something I had never done well - keeping quiet! He was (and still is) making me into a 1 Peter 3 wife. It's not my job to preach at my husband. Neither is it my job to needle him, harass him, or pressure him. So, if God wanted to reveal something to Aaron about the roles of men and women then that was His job!

And you know what? He does it better, and more effectively, than I ever could. So I learned to just pray about it. And the response to that prayer? Let's just say that the Lord has been doing an incredible work there, too. For the first time in our marriage there is no longer the subtle resentment my husband occasionally displayed about me staying home while he works. These days it seems as if he really delights in being the sole provider and takes a great deal of healthy, masculine pride in it. (For clarification let me say this does not refer to arrogance. Just a confidence in who God made him as a man.) He often states now that he's glad that I'm homeschooling the children, enabling me to best mold and train them for the future. This is such a change from the past!

How I wish I could go on and on - and truly I could for God has been so faithful. Despite the late hour I'm actually smiling right now because I know that God has "put a new song in my mouth." (Psalm 40:3) However, this post is getting long and I always read that blog posts aren't supposed to be so long - and I really do try hard not to break that rule. ("Try" being the key word there!)  

At any rate, I didn't get to share with you yet how the Lord has changed me through praying for my husband, but I sense that that subject is truly a post in and of itself. So then, Lord willing, that will be the subject of my next post as well as some thoughts on love and respect. (Ephesians 5:33) Since the hour really is late - 1:11 a.m.! - I'm throwing this up on the blog here without any editing so please forgive my mistakes. I'll look it over better tomorrow.

I'd love to hear from any of you by email or comment. Please remember this week - God will never leave you nor forsake you! (Deuteronomy 31:8)

Don't Give Up! God Loves to Answer Prayer!

Is the Son of God praying in me, or am I dictating to Him?....Prayer is not simply getting things from God, that is a most initial form of prayer; prayer is getting into perfect communion with God. If the Son of God is formed in us by regeneration, He will press forward in front of our common sense and change our attitude to the things about which we pray. --Oswald Chambers

I've really had a neat time preparing for this post. As I've been looking back over the last year and a half in my prayer journal my heart's been soaring while rereading the accounts of God's faithfulness during this time. Looking back I can't help but think that if our marriage could be saved - and ultimately transformed - then there is hope for any marriage.

Let me encourage you, friend, that God does amazing things in hearts and marriages when His children pray earnestly. He loves to do this so that He may be glorified. For any of you facing a crisis in your marriage let me say that if you'll just hang in there, persevere in prayer, and walk in obedience to what God shows you, you can save your marriage. What I mean is that it truly takes only one person in the marriage, willing to do the right thing, to win the battle. Please understand that I don't say this lightly - but I've come to understand one thing and that is this: God is always for marriage. When you stand for your marriage, He stands with you. Prayer is the way to take your stand. I've said similar things in the past, but some things are worth repeating!

On the other hand I wish I could give you a 100% guarantee, but I cannot. However, let me make my point yet another way. Unless a husband or wife is willing to do the right thing - regardless of what the other person does - a troubled marriage will most likely fall victim to the trend of modern society and end in divorce. It's just too easy these days. We all know that divorce is considered by many to be not only an option, but a good choice in some cases. I hate to admit this but I actually allowed myself to entertain this thought at one point - feeling like our marriage was hopeless, that it could never change and never be better. I saw marriage only as a contract, not as the covenant that it is. (This will be the subject of an upcoming post so stay tuned!) Sadly, not only did I fail to understand the heart of God regarding the permanence of marriage, but I completely underestimated the "surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe." (Ephesians 1:19)

That leads me to the point of this post. I want to show you that despite how things may look - God is so much bigger than our perception of things! The day the Lord led me to surrender my will, and lay down my rights, and fight for my marriage, He also led me to begin an adventure in prayer that continues to this present day. Please allow me then to take you on a little "tour" through the amazing things the Lord has done in my marriage. This week I will only cover the first and most important work of God in the last year and a half of our lives, and then I'll move on to others in subsequent posts. I hope you'll join me and become encouraged to seek God and believe that He does indeed answer prayer!

Praying for My Husband's Repentance

Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never--in nothing, great or small, large or petty--never give in, except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy. --Winston Churchill

This quote from Winston Churchill seems so appropriate. During the summer of 2009 things looked totally hopeless. Rather than being up against a physical enemy, that ancient enemy of mankind was systematically attacking and destroying my marriage. Even though I was now aware of his affair, it did nothing to ease the absolute animosity, almost disdain really, that my husband, Aaron, was displaying toward me. I watched helplessly as our family, our lives, crumbled before my eyes. For that reason I believe God first led me to really begin praying for my husband's repentance. In order for anything else to take place - any healing, any restoration - it was necessary that Aaron be brought to the place of acknowledging the wrong; as well as confessing and forsaking his sin - which defines what genuine repentance is.

Interestingly, in the beginning, once Aaron had confessed that he had another woman in his life, he actually went about continuing the affair like there was nothing in the world wrong with it. He even became so bold as to share with me their relational ups and downs (like I was supposed to give him advice or something!). Obviously, at this point, although he had "confessed" his sin - to me, not to God - he had no remorse whatsoever. There was not a hint of godly sorrow. He was totally taken captive by Satan to do his will. (2 Timothy 2:26)

Without rehashing all that happened (I've written in detail about my husband's affair in the posts What I've Learned Through My Husband's Affair and  Take a Stand for Your Marriage: God is On Your Side!), I began praying 2 Timothy 2:25-26 for my husband earnestly day and night. I fasted so that I could better devote myself to seeking God's face. Simultaneously I committed my marriage to the Lord and reminded Him often that He hates divorce. (Malachi 2:16) Furthermore, I recognized my total dependence on Him and told Him that unless He moved on Aaron's heart that's where we would likely end up. At that time Aaron was doing all he could to get me to file for divorce. When I would retort that he could go ahead and file if he wanted to, he'd say that if I did it he wouldn't look so bad. Of course this made no sense since he was the one having an affair; but I'm sharing this and other details with you to show how badly deluded he was and under the influence of the evil one.

Along with the verses from 2 Timothy I would pray Acts 26:18 and Colossians 1:13, pleading with the Lord to rescue my husband from the power of darkness. The spiritual battle that was raging was the most intense one I had ever experienced in my twenty years of knowing Christ. If it weren't for the strength God provided, I don't know how I would have ever made it.

"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy." Psalm 126:5

Then one day everything came to a climax. For a couple weeks I had thought it was finally over between my husband and this other woman - although I knew that he would go back to her if it weren't for the ultimatum she had given him of divorce me, or be done with her. Well, apparently she had changed her mind - and on this day I discovered that he had begun sneaking around with her again. Reeling from the pain of this revelation, I called my friend, Rachel. We decided to get together for coffee at a nearby restaurant. Knowing that my husband was going to be meeting with this woman the next day, she and I sat there in a corner booth, cups of coffee getting cold. Finally we determined that there was nothing left to do but pray. Bowing our heads, tears running down both our cheeks, we implored our heavenly Father to have mercy.

Aaron was at home, getting ready for a jog when I left to meet my friend in town. Soon after I drove off he started down the road, feeling good. But something happened in the next hour. The Lord, the Creator of Heaven and Earth, had another plan for him. He moved in a mighty way that afternoon and brought Aaron to his knees spiritually. While he was jogging he was absolutely overcome with conviction. By the time I got home it was like greeting a different man. 

He asked me to come to the bedroom so we could talk. There, sitting on the floor before me, sobbing at times and moved by deep emotion, my husband asked me to forgive him. He told me that what he had been doing was wrong and he deeply regretted it. He said that our marriage really had meant something to him (weeks earlier he had said that it had been nothing but a joke, and that he never really loved me). Stuff like this continued to pour out of him for well over an hour. It was a very sad, touching time; yet one that offered a glimmer of hope for the first time in months.

That, of course, was really just the beginning. I will tell you more in the next post(s) as I talk about the way God has answered prayer for Aaron's spiritual growth, and how He continues to heal our marriage and our family. Although painful at the time, I praise God for that day which began as one of the darkest in my life. It truly does seem that sometimes we must experience the darkness before the dawn. (If you want to really be encouraged you can read an excellent sermon entitled Darkness Before the Dawn by the "prince of preachers," Charles Spurgeon, concerning this very thing by clicking this link).

I know and rejoice that the Lord began a work in Aaron's heart, and mine, that He will perfect until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6) In addition to answered prayer, I'm also anxious to tell you about what happens when you really begin to pray for someone else. Hint: you'll be changed yourself!!

I hope each of you has a good and godly week!