I just had to share this. The video, below, captures something wonderful that happened at Seaway Mall in Welland, Ontario, near Niagra Falls, just a couple weeks ago. It brought tears to my eyes to see our Lord's name lifted up in such a remarkable way. Hope you enjoy it too.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Regaining Trust After the Affair
With the Thanksgiving holiday and us having family coming in tomorrow and staying until Sunday, I thought I'd sneak in a "short" post on another subject. (Maybe I just mean easier to write!) However, I will still be moving on to standing in prayer, if the Lord wills, early next week. I hope you all have a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving!
Of all the challenges I've faced since my husband's affair perhaps the hardest has been the issue of trust. Obviously I don't need to tell you that it's very hard to trust someone again after they've betrayed you. For me it's been a real journey these many months, but a surprisingly good one in a number of respects. First and foremost, as I think I've tried to communicate here, it has given me the chance to draw nearer to the Lord than ever before. This has truly been the result of God working "all things together for good" in this situation - and, I believe, a part of His overall plan.
Along the same lines it has also allowed me to let go of the tight grip I had on my marriage. Now, what do I mean by that you might be wondering? Let me just say that I'm no longer so dependent on my husband because my hope is not in him, but in the Lord. It's silly really, but before all this happened I think deep down I felt that I would somehow die without Aaron. That was completely inappropriate and sinful, as in essence I was putting my husband before the Lord.
At some point during my relearning to trust, however, I realized that even if I had lost my husband to another woman, I still would have been okay. God's Word tells me this: "My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26) Allow me the liberty to word it differently here and say that "my marriage may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Did you catch the last part of that verse? God is your "portion," forever! A portion may be defined as, "a share received by gift or inheritance." My sister in the Lord, God has given you the gift of Himself now and for always. Let me remind you that He will never leave you nor forsake you. These thoughts have brought me much comfort in the months of recovering from Aaron's affair.
With that, let me get to three things that I've learned about regaining trust that I think will help if you, or someone you know, is going through a similar time. Hopefully, the following tips will help you to remain on the right course with steadfastness and patience.
God's sovereignty is the key: Truly the only way to begin trusting a spouse who has cheated is to rest in the Father's love. Charlyne Steinkamp, in her book entitled, "Standing After the Prodigal Returns," says, "Some people inquire, 'How can you ever trust them again?' The answer to this question may sound unusual, but I trust my husband (again) by first trusting my Lord. Our marriage is not being restored by my efforts, nor by my husband. It is being restored by the Lord Jesus Christ." I will add that this is supported by a great verse of Scripture: "We have confidence in the Lord concerning you, that you are doing and will continue to do what we command." (2 Thessalonians 3:4) Anytime I've felt panicky or ill-at-ease in regards to my husband, I've tried to remember this verse. Oftentimes I also recited it aloud by saying, "Lord, I trust You. My confidence is in You concerning Aaron."
Does my spouse exhibit goodwill? Is he moving toward and/or growing in the things of God?: These two questions are helpful to ponder at times you find yourself being challenged with a trust issue. In many instances I've calmed my fears or doubts by simply putting off judgment until I've answered them, and then looking at the circumstance through that. If I can honestly answer in the affirmative to both of them, then for obvious reasons, the chances are my fears have no rational basis. This is so important to realize - I hope you'll get a hold of this - most of the fears we have are ungrounded, meaning they have no facts to ground, or support, them. More about this in a moment.
So the question is how do we decide if our husband has goodwill or is moving towards God? For me, dealing with the first question was somewhat easy. What I mean is that while my husband was involved in adultery he acted mean and was angry most of the time. He didn't want to spend time with the children or me, and conversation with him was terse. (As a note - this was also the experience of my friend, Meghan, whom I told you about in an earlier post.) Because of this, it wasn't difficult to notice that my husband's behavior changed markedly after ending the affair. When I think of this I am reminded of Acts 26:20 where Paul recounts to King Agrippa that he told people to "perform deeds that are consistent with... repentance." In Aaron's case he certainly did this, and continues to presently. Therefore he demonstrates to me on a consistent basis that he has goodwill toward me.
This leads me to an important piece of advice I'll share before I go on. It is really vital that you keep a journal during this time. Write down the things God is doing - first, in your spouse - and second, in your overall marriage. Record things said and done; answered prayer; and any other insights the Lord gives you. The reason for this, assuming that your husband has been showing goodwill (we will cover what to do if he hasn't in a moment), is that your journal will act as a shield against suspicions, doubts, and fears that Satan may bring your way in an attempt to thwart your marriage restoration. Remember I mentioned a minute ago that most of our fears are unsupported by the facts? Your journal will be the tool you can use to "check the facts." Remember - "Just the facts, ma'am." Meditating on them will often be all that's needed to overcome the extremes of our emotions.
Let me give a quick example from my own journal dated March 18, 2010:
A bit of a "postscript" here. Let me give you a little hope if you're going through the aftermath of your spouse's affair and finding it difficult to trust again. A year ago I would never have thought I'd be where I'm at today in regards to this issue. I can honestly say that I'm just about at 100% regained trust. My husband has consistently proved himself, and I have worked through the challenge with the Lord's help. Friend, keeping looking up because God is in control, He's for your marriage, and He wants to restore trust.
Thanks for stopping by. Have a wonderful time tomorrow with friends and family. Above all, be thankful!
Of all the challenges I've faced since my husband's affair perhaps the hardest has been the issue of trust. Obviously I don't need to tell you that it's very hard to trust someone again after they've betrayed you. For me it's been a real journey these many months, but a surprisingly good one in a number of respects. First and foremost, as I think I've tried to communicate here, it has given me the chance to draw nearer to the Lord than ever before. This has truly been the result of God working "all things together for good" in this situation - and, I believe, a part of His overall plan.
Along the same lines it has also allowed me to let go of the tight grip I had on my marriage. Now, what do I mean by that you might be wondering? Let me just say that I'm no longer so dependent on my husband because my hope is not in him, but in the Lord. It's silly really, but before all this happened I think deep down I felt that I would somehow die without Aaron. That was completely inappropriate and sinful, as in essence I was putting my husband before the Lord.
At some point during my relearning to trust, however, I realized that even if I had lost my husband to another woman, I still would have been okay. God's Word tells me this: "My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26) Allow me the liberty to word it differently here and say that "my marriage may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Did you catch the last part of that verse? God is your "portion," forever! A portion may be defined as, "a share received by gift or inheritance." My sister in the Lord, God has given you the gift of Himself now and for always. Let me remind you that He will never leave you nor forsake you. These thoughts have brought me much comfort in the months of recovering from Aaron's affair.
With that, let me get to three things that I've learned about regaining trust that I think will help if you, or someone you know, is going through a similar time. Hopefully, the following tips will help you to remain on the right course with steadfastness and patience.
God's sovereignty is the key: Truly the only way to begin trusting a spouse who has cheated is to rest in the Father's love. Charlyne Steinkamp, in her book entitled, "Standing After the Prodigal Returns," says, "Some people inquire, 'How can you ever trust them again?' The answer to this question may sound unusual, but I trust my husband (again) by first trusting my Lord. Our marriage is not being restored by my efforts, nor by my husband. It is being restored by the Lord Jesus Christ." I will add that this is supported by a great verse of Scripture: "We have confidence in the Lord concerning you, that you are doing and will continue to do what we command." (2 Thessalonians 3:4) Anytime I've felt panicky or ill-at-ease in regards to my husband, I've tried to remember this verse. Oftentimes I also recited it aloud by saying, "Lord, I trust You. My confidence is in You concerning Aaron."
Does my spouse exhibit goodwill? Is he moving toward and/or growing in the things of God?: These two questions are helpful to ponder at times you find yourself being challenged with a trust issue. In many instances I've calmed my fears or doubts by simply putting off judgment until I've answered them, and then looking at the circumstance through that. If I can honestly answer in the affirmative to both of them, then for obvious reasons, the chances are my fears have no rational basis. This is so important to realize - I hope you'll get a hold of this - most of the fears we have are ungrounded, meaning they have no facts to ground, or support, them. More about this in a moment.
So the question is how do we decide if our husband has goodwill or is moving towards God? For me, dealing with the first question was somewhat easy. What I mean is that while my husband was involved in adultery he acted mean and was angry most of the time. He didn't want to spend time with the children or me, and conversation with him was terse. (As a note - this was also the experience of my friend, Meghan, whom I told you about in an earlier post.) Because of this, it wasn't difficult to notice that my husband's behavior changed markedly after ending the affair. When I think of this I am reminded of Acts 26:20 where Paul recounts to King Agrippa that he told people to "perform deeds that are consistent with... repentance." In Aaron's case he certainly did this, and continues to presently. Therefore he demonstrates to me on a consistent basis that he has goodwill toward me.
This leads me to an important piece of advice I'll share before I go on. It is really vital that you keep a journal during this time. Write down the things God is doing - first, in your spouse - and second, in your overall marriage. Record things said and done; answered prayer; and any other insights the Lord gives you. The reason for this, assuming that your husband has been showing goodwill (we will cover what to do if he hasn't in a moment), is that your journal will act as a shield against suspicions, doubts, and fears that Satan may bring your way in an attempt to thwart your marriage restoration. Remember I mentioned a minute ago that most of our fears are unsupported by the facts? Your journal will be the tool you can use to "check the facts." Remember - "Just the facts, ma'am." Meditating on them will often be all that's needed to overcome the extremes of our emotions.
Let me give a quick example from my own journal dated March 18, 2010:
"Aaron was really 'needy' of me yesterday as he was struggling with feeling like he had let Dave C. (a co-worker) down. He called me on his way home from work and said,' I need to talk to you.' Here I was thinking something big must have happened since we had just talked at lunchtime. However, what he really meant was that he needed me to talk to him some more about the Dave C. situation."
Can you see how rereading this would help me to see that my husband has goodwill toward me? He showed a need and desire for my advice. Looking over my journal and seeing that he has goodwill toward me helps me to believe the best about him; even when I'm tempted to doubt him or things "seem" suspicious.
Now, let's take a look at the second question: "Is he moving toward and/or growing in the things of God?" To help you discern the answer to this, let's consider two verses which I combined and prayed everyday while in the midst of the battle for my marriage:
The first thing listed is godly sorrow. Does my husband exhibit this? To begin we need a good definition of it. Let's start by noting that it is the opposite of what the Bible calls the "sorrow of the world" - which leads to death. For example, we may assume that this is the type of sorrow Judas Iscariot experienced: "Then when Judas, who had betrayed Him, saw that He had been condemned, he felt remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, saying, 'I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.' But they said, 'What is that to us? See to that yourself!' And he threw the pieces of silver into the temple sanctuary and departed; and he went away and hanged himself." (Matthew 27:3-5) Here we see he sorrowed (felt remorse), but sought no pardon. Oftentimes it's been said that worldy sorrow is only having regret for the consequences of one's sins; whereas godly sorrow seeks to be pardoned for one's sins. So, you and I may rightly ask - has my husband displayed a sincere desire to be pardoned for his offense, and further, does he seek to be reconciled?
Now, while I'm not going to go through every single item in these two verses, I will point out that the phrase "come to their senses" has definitely been one area that's played out in my own husband's life. Starting late last summer I watched as slowly, over the months, he began to demonstrate more and more spiritual sense. The passage that comes to mind as a word-picture of this is yet another one I turned into a prayer - Hosea 14:4-5: "I will heal their apostasy, I will love them freely, For My anger has turned away from them. I will be like the dew to Israel; He will blossom like the lily, And he will take root like the cedars of Lebanon." I think it's important to also point out that when you're looking for spiritual fruit, and applying that to whether you can trust your spouse again, you will need to have much patience. Like all fruit, spiritual fruit takes time to mature.
Here's yet another entry from my journal, dated March 23, that I absolutely cherish. It's such a wonderful reminder that it's the Lord whose at work in my husband, and in my marriage:
Before you panic, pray! Whenever you're tempted to do this, no matter how fishy or bad a situation appears to be, pray it through first. I've been amazed at how many times, especially in the beginning, I'd be suspicious and ready to accuse Aaron of something, when suddenly I'd remember this "rule." More often than not I discovered that when I followed it, the Lord would bring peace of mind and the thing I was worried about went away. As a general rule, it's best to keep quiet until we've quieted ourselves before God.
While not comprehensive, I hope these tips will encourage you on your way. Each person's journey is different, but I know that the Lord works in each. Next time we will get back to talking more about the critical role of prayer in healing our marriage. Additionally, we'll discover what the necessary "ingredients" are in making it effectual (James 5:16).
"Godly sorrow brings repentance..." (2 Corinthians 7:10)
"...God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will." (2 Timothy 2:25-26).
While we cannot know another person's heart, taking each verse and breaking it down can help us do our best to evaluate our husband's behavior.
The first thing listed is godly sorrow. Does my husband exhibit this? To begin we need a good definition of it. Let's start by noting that it is the opposite of what the Bible calls the "sorrow of the world" - which leads to death. For example, we may assume that this is the type of sorrow Judas Iscariot experienced: "Then when Judas, who had betrayed Him, saw that He had been condemned, he felt remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, saying, 'I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.' But they said, 'What is that to us? See to that yourself!' And he threw the pieces of silver into the temple sanctuary and departed; and he went away and hanged himself." (Matthew 27:3-5) Here we see he sorrowed (felt remorse), but sought no pardon. Oftentimes it's been said that worldy sorrow is only having regret for the consequences of one's sins; whereas godly sorrow seeks to be pardoned for one's sins. So, you and I may rightly ask - has my husband displayed a sincere desire to be pardoned for his offense, and further, does he seek to be reconciled?
Now, while I'm not going to go through every single item in these two verses, I will point out that the phrase "come to their senses" has definitely been one area that's played out in my own husband's life. Starting late last summer I watched as slowly, over the months, he began to demonstrate more and more spiritual sense. The passage that comes to mind as a word-picture of this is yet another one I turned into a prayer - Hosea 14:4-5: "I will heal their apostasy, I will love them freely, For My anger has turned away from them. I will be like the dew to Israel; He will blossom like the lily, And he will take root like the cedars of Lebanon." I think it's important to also point out that when you're looking for spiritual fruit, and applying that to whether you can trust your spouse again, you will need to have much patience. Like all fruit, spiritual fruit takes time to mature.
Here's yet another entry from my journal, dated March 23, that I absolutely cherish. It's such a wonderful reminder that it's the Lord whose at work in my husband, and in my marriage:
"With passage of the healthcare bill I've become more aware of Aaron's strengthening faith. Yesterday, when we were discussing the whole mess, I was more or less throwing up my hands in despair. Gently Aaron kept reminding me, though, that the Lord is in control, that it's just time to start really trusting Him, and that it's okay because these things are likely all a part of bringing prophecy to fulfillment."
However, suppose you're reading this and you don't see goodwill or spiritual growth in your husband? To be honest, what I would then suggest is that you pray and ask God to make anything that may be hidden come to light. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I don't want to give false hope either. You see, when a person is genuinely repentant and fears the Lord (which we know is the beginning of wisdom), he/she will begin to do, and be, what Ephesians 5:15 says, "be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise." However, in Biblical contrast to the wise person is the fool. Of this person God's Word says, "Like a dog that returns to its vomit is a fool who repeats his folly." (Proverbs 26:11) A man who is not acting wisely, ie, has not "come to (his) senses," is a fool according to the Bible, and thus cannot be trusted to refrain himself from repeating his folly.Before you panic, pray! Whenever you're tempted to do this, no matter how fishy or bad a situation appears to be, pray it through first. I've been amazed at how many times, especially in the beginning, I'd be suspicious and ready to accuse Aaron of something, when suddenly I'd remember this "rule." More often than not I discovered that when I followed it, the Lord would bring peace of mind and the thing I was worried about went away. As a general rule, it's best to keep quiet until we've quieted ourselves before God.
While not comprehensive, I hope these tips will encourage you on your way. Each person's journey is different, but I know that the Lord works in each. Next time we will get back to talking more about the critical role of prayer in healing our marriage. Additionally, we'll discover what the necessary "ingredients" are in making it effectual (James 5:16).
A bit of a "postscript" here. Let me give you a little hope if you're going through the aftermath of your spouse's affair and finding it difficult to trust again. A year ago I would never have thought I'd be where I'm at today in regards to this issue. I can honestly say that I'm just about at 100% regained trust. My husband has consistently proved himself, and I have worked through the challenge with the Lord's help. Friend, keeping looking up because God is in control, He's for your marriage, and He wants to restore trust.
Thanks for stopping by. Have a wonderful time tomorrow with friends and family. Above all, be thankful!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Getting Ready: Stand in the Gap for Your Marriage!
Today I was looking on eBay and Etsy at wood signs and shelf sitters when I came across one that caught my eye. Maybe you've heard or seen the saying before. It said, "Faith is not believing that God can, it's knowing that He will." While not exactly the Biblical definition of faith - "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen," (Hebrew 11:1) - I think it's a maxim we should live by. It evidently is speaking of faith, but relates really well to prayer, the topic of this post. The question then, if this be sound wisdom, is how may we live it out and under what circumstances? I hope you'll join me now as I try to clarify that, as well as explore what God's Word says concerning this matter.
Since we are going on to prayer, it seems appropriate to first talk about the way in which we approach our Heavenly Father. Do we come, as the saying suggests, with hearts full of unwavering faith before His throne of grace? Or, do we sometimes bring our petitions to God while entertaining doubt about whether He will do it - or even if He can?
While either of these are real hindrances to prayer, and in particular, answered prayer, I know that I certainly have been guilty of both. In the case of the latter, I've prayed for a certain thing only to doubt, deep inside, that God could actually do the thing I was asking. Let me give an example that maybe you can relate to. Have you ever prayed for a family member's or friend's salvation but inwardly despaired, "I just don't think so-and-so will ever get saved! She's too far gone;" or, "His heart is too hard;" or maybe, "It would take a miracle?" Too often this has been my experience. I would pray, only to follow up with nagging thoughts like these. Sadly, what this boils down to is seriously underestimating God's power - the power of the One who created the heavens and the earth by His great power and outstretched arm! (Jeremiah 32:17)
In my case it seemed that the only way the Lord could help me overcome this sin of doubt was by giving me trials which developed total dependency on Him. In Psalm 46, verses 1-3, the sons of Korah remind us of the blessing of "trouble" by discovering God to be very real in those situations: "God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; Though its waters roar and foam, Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride." It's as if the writers of this psalm wanted to impress on our hearts that although all these catastrophes would be HUGE and POWERFUL, they're nothing, not even a shred, compared to GOD'S POWER!
Another passage for you and I to consider - and one I encourage you to read over right now if you have your Bible nearby - is Isaiah 40. This amazing chapter, when really meditated upon, will deepen our understanding of how great our God really is! We will become more aware of His holiness; and, in turn, of our lowliness. I think most of us, if we're truly honest, might feel as if the prophet's words stir in us a desire to strip ourselves of the pitifully low view of our creator God, and humbly cry out in fellowship with Isaiah, "Woe is me, for I am ruined! Because I am a man of unclean lips, And I live among a people of unclean lips; For my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts." (Isaiah 6:5)
However, perhaps nothing is so "faith building" than when we have nothing, and nowhere to turn, except to God alone. In the summer of 2009 this was the very place the Lord, in His mercy, brought me to. (If you're just joining us here, you can read the story of my husband's affair by clicking this link: http://oilofhisgrace.blogspot.com/2010/08/what-ive-learned-through-my-husbands.html ). All this reminds me of when Jesus asked the twelve, "You do not want to go away also, do you?” (John 6:67) Simon Peter, sort of being their unofficial spokesperson at times, answered Him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life." I believe that Peter understood by this point that they really had no where else to turn, so he went on and made this incredible statement of faith: "We have believed and have come to know that You are the Holy One of God." (Verse 69) Wow! That's just what our heart attitude should be. Our desperation of having no one else to whom we may go should likewise lead us to have that measure of faith.
If by chance you're reading this and find yourself in a difficult situation, with no earthly comfort, please rejoice as the Word tells us to do in James 1:2-4. Why? Because the Lord is going to use this to bring about the kind of faith in you that moves mountains! When once you've grasped the awesomeness and omnipotence of God, you'll begin to experience answered prayer at a greater level than ever before. This has been my testimony, and the testimony of so many of the great cloud of witnesses. (Hebrews 12:1)
Now, some thoughts occur to me concerning our faith and prayer. First let's consider the words spoken by Jesus in Matthew 7:7-11: “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. 9Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? 11If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" In these verses the Lord gives us what our hearts long for - an assurance that God does indeed hear and answer our prayers. In fact, notice how many times He uses affirmative phrases in verse 7 to emphasize this (I've italicized and bolded them for you above). "It will be given... you will find... it will be opened."
Similarly, verse 8 seems to repeat this pledge of answered prayer by explaining that there is a spiritual law concerning this: "...Everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; to him who knocks it will be opened." Jesus didn't want us to miss the truth that we should confidently expect an answer to our prayer.
Now, let me also share something interesting from the Greek with you. (No - I'm not a Greek scholar [LOL!], but I did do a bit of research on this verse, and in particular the two verbs, lambanei and euriskei, here translated "receives" and "finds.") When used in this passage in the original language, both of these verbs are in the present active indicative. This means that, first, they are in the present tense - the action is taking place today, or right now. Additionally, according to the late theologian John Gresham Machen, "The indicative mood makes an assertion, in distinction, for example, from a command or a wish." In other words, the indicative mood indicates that the action is really taking place.
Now I don't know about you but I find that pretty exciting! This means that when we bring our petitions to God we are receiving, and when we seek Him we are finding Him. It's not some future event; it's happening now! I hope that by understanding a little more of what the Lord was trying to get across to us here, your faith and hope are beginning to rise. "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13)
However, as wonderful as this promise is, we need to balance this with other Scriptures which show us that there are certain prerequisites we must meet before we experience the blessedness of answered prayer. For starters, we've been discussing faith quite a bit here. We've discovered how seeing God for who He is can help us to believe that He can answer prayer, i.e., that He has power sufficient to bring about the things we ask. Now we must bring the subject of faith full circle and address how it affects whether God will give us what we ask. Again, while it's true that Jesus said we may have confidence in our prayers being heard, we must also consider what He says in Mark 11:22-24, "Have faith in God. Truly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him. Therefore I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you."
In this passage from Mark we see that our faith is directly related to whether we will be granted our petitions, or not. For the best explanation I've read on this let me quote from Andrew Murray:
"Faith in the promise is the fruit of faith in the Promiser: The prayer of faith is rooted in the life of faith. And in this way the faith that prays effectually is indeed a gift of God. Not as something that He bestows or infuses at once, but in a far deeper and truer sense, as the blessed disposition or habit of soul which is wrought and grows up in us in a life of intercourse with Him." (Gained chiefly by having 'nowhere to turn, except to God!') "Surely for one who knows his Father well and lives in constant close intercourse with Him, it is a simple thing to believe the promise that He will do the will of His child who lives in union with Himself." - From "With Christ in the School of Prayer" by Andrew Murray
So we see from all this that faith is all-important in prayer. It enables us to believe that He can, and He will. We may gain this type of faith by: 1) Meditating on His great power, and 2) Knowing Him more intimately through total dependence and close intercourse with Him. However, look with me at the last sentence in the quote by Andrew Murray. He says, "He will do the will of His child who lives in union with Himself." This is an incredible statement. Many times when we think of prayer, we turn to the familiar scene where Jesus cries out in the garden, "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." (Luke 22:42) In light of this - this was Jesus praying, after all - how could Andrew Murray make such a statement?! It seems too bold, too presumptuous to expect anything like that.
Well, I'm going to leave you hanging. I hope, though, that I've got your curiosity up, maybe just a little. (Sorry, I'm being silly and teasing about that last part.) I would, however, love to cover this question right now but I'm afraid it really will have to wait since this post is getting long. While I'm in a bit of a playful mood here, I do want to tell you seriously that this topic is very "near and dear" to my heart. I'd love it if we all became intercessory prayer warriors! At the very least it's vitally important that we learn to stand in the gap in prayer for our own marriages - and, I dare say, for any that we know are in trouble. Satan is out to destroy the very foundation of our society, which is the family, and we must be ready to oppose him on our knees. Therefore, next time and Lord willing, we'll pick up with what the one other necessary "ingredient" to answered prayer is. Hope you'll join us!
Friday, November 5, 2010
Healing Your Marriage Through Forgiveness: Part 4
Thanks for joining me. This will be the final post in this series on forgiveness. It feels like it's been a long journey (and it has), but hopefully we've learned some things along the way!
There are just two more points I'd like to share with you. I'll admit that I'm really anxious to move on to standing in prayer for your marriage and so that's why I'm combining these into one post. Without further introduction then, let's find out two more ways God uses the grace of forgiveness in our lives.
Forgiveness is God's Way to Witnessing: I actually learned this lesson years ago as an outside observer, long before experiencing the devastation of infidelity in my own marriage. To me, my friend, Meghan, was a living example of godliness. She handled her husband's adultery with grace and dignity. When Mike began having an affair with a co-worker, she clung to the Lord and sought Him prayerfully. After many months of heartache, he finally ended his illicit relationship with the other woman. Together they began the work of rebuilding their marriage and healing the damage to their five children. Meghan was a true inspiration during this time as her faith in the Lord shone brightly all around her.
However, most amazing was the way Meghan's forgiveness of the other woman glorified God. Unlike many couples recovering from adultery, Meghan and Mike still had to deal with this woman almost daily since she continued working in the same office as Mike. As the holidays approached that year, so did the company Christmas party. Mike was nervous to bring it up. When he finally did mention it, Meghan didn't waver. Of course they would go!
Working at a company such as he did, making a large salary, the event was a real "black-tie affair." The ladies were all dressed up and Meghan looked beautiful in her elegant, yet modest, evening gown. Going to the ladies' room, she opened the door to see the "other woman" standing at the sink, freshening up her makeup. Instead of feeling the sting of humiliation, Meghan forgot herself and felt pity for this woman instead. Her heart was heavy for where this person must have been spiritually. The moment seemed supernaturally orchestrated by the Lord; there was no one else in the room but the two of them. With a look of compassion and a gracious smile, Meghan slowly approached and asked if she was Beth. The other woman, who had turned toward her, shakily answered, "Yes," but would not look Meghan in the eyes.
In the next moment, my friend gently wrapped her arms around Beth's shoulders, then stood back and replied, "I just want you to know Beth, that because Jesus forgives me, I forgive you too." For the first time Beth looked up at Meghan, surprise filling her face. Then her hand went to her mouth as she attempted to stifle her astonishment, and tears sprung to her eyes. A second later she lost all composure and began sobbing. Now Meghan was holding her while she cried.
After a few minutes, her tears subsided somewhat and she finally managed, "I always knew you were a Christian." Not too much else was said between the women, but you can be sure that our heavenly Father was looking down and smiling. Through her forgiveness, Meghan had witnessed to this woman that Jesus Christ was real and alive in a profound way. She and Mike have since moved away, but a verse comes to mind whenever I think of her: "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." (Matthew 5:16)
Fast forward several years in my own life to the year 2009. It was the weekend after Christmas. For months now I'd been working hard at maturing into a godly wife after learning of my husband's affair; learning to die to myself and becoming "like a grain of wheat," as mentioned in John 12:24. Taking my "Christmas money" - cash gifts from my parents and in-laws - I treated Aaron to a weekend getaway. Everything went absolutely wonderful: the food was fabulous, the inn romantic, and the activities enjoyable. On the way home we dawdled - stopping here and there like we never wanted it to end.
While I want to preserve some of the intimacy and specialness of the time for just the two of us, I will tell you that something very significant happened as we were going home on the last evening. It was dark, and because he was tired, my husband had asked me to drive. For most of the way we talked non-stop. However, at one point a couple quiet minutes passed and I noticed that Aaron was staring out his window at the dark countryside. An oncoming car showed me that he was crying. I chose to say nothing and wait for him to talk.
After a few more minutes he said softly, "Why did you spend your money on me? You could have bought something for yourself - instead you repaid me good for my evil." I was incredibly touched. That moment led to us disclosing many things that were on our hearts with each other. However, I think most significant, in a spiritual sense, was what I had "shared," not verbally, but through my actions towards him. For this I can take no credit as there were many times throughout the weekend when I was just itching to say something, and the Lord would whisper, "Quiet."
Inwardly, as we were sharing, I was praying. I was thinking about the Lord's warning to me all weekend and bearing in mind 1 Peter 3:1-2 where the Apostle admonishes wives to "win" their disobedient husbands without a word. Looking back, I really think that because I had kept quiet all weekend, allowing God's grace to be displayed by my deeds, a door of opportunity for me to speak was opened. I was finally able to tell Aaron that I had truly forgiven him, and that our weekend away was simply a reflection of what God had done for me. Glancing over at him, I continued. There was one verse I felt the Lord wanted me to share, so I said something like, "You know, honey, this reminds me of a time in my life. It was when I finally realized what amazing things the Lord had done for me, even though I was a terrible sinner, that I repented and received Christ as my savior. I can't help but think of Romans 2:4 which says that the 'kindness of God leads (us) to repentance.'''
That was just the beginning of breakthroughs the Lord would do in us, and in our marriage. In the months since that precious weekend, my wonderful husband has not only come back to the Lord, he also has a real burden for those who don't know Him! Just a couple days ago he shared with me that he needs to witness to a particular person the Lord has laid on his heart. Praise God!
Finally, a last thought on forgiveness...
Forgiveness is God's Love (As Demonstrated Through His Reconciliation with Us): This one is really quite simple. When we choose to forgive someone who has sinned against us, we choose to become like our Father. God, according to His grace, chose to reconcile the world to Himself through the act of forgiveness.
"...God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them." (2 Corinthians 5:19)
In the same way, while we cannot control the other person's response to our forgiveness, we may offer the only hope of our relationship with that person being restored. Our willingness to bear their sin debt toward us, through the grace of forgiveness, acts as the catalyst for such a possibility to even exist. If you're reading this and the offender is your husband, then forgiving him will be the greatest investment in your marriage you will ever make. I know that in my own experience, forgiving Aaron opened wide the floodgates to all the subsequent things God has done.
May I further suggest that forgiveness is the greatest expression of love we can show. Think of the well-known verse, "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) It was Christ's atonement on our behalf, resulting in forgiveness of sins, that was the very manifestation of His love. Likewise, 1 Peter 4:8 tells us what the outcome of our love in action should be: "...Love covers a multitude of sins."
For a wonderful commentary of this verse and the role of forgiveness in becoming perfected in love, I'll turn to Gill's Exposition of the Bible. (For those who don't know who John Gill was, he was pastor for 51 years at Metropolitan Tabernacle, the same church that Charles Spurgeon pastored one hundred years later.)
"'For charity shall cover the multitude of sins'; referring to Proverbs 10:12. Not a man's own sins, but the sins of others; and not from the sight of God, for from that only the blood and righteousness of Christ cover sins, even all the sins, the whole multitude of the sins of God's elect; but from the sight of men, both of those against whom they are committed, and others; since charity, or true love, thinks no ill, but puts the best constructions upon the words and actions of fellow Christians, and does not take them up, and improve and exaggerate them, but lets them lie buried in oblivion: it takes no notice of injuries, offences, and affronts, but overlooks them, bears with them, and forgives them, so that they are never raked up, and seen any more; which prevents much scandal, strife, and trouble." (Emphasis mine)
I don't know about you, but I really love the word-picture of forgiveness he paints for us in that last statement - "...so that they are never raked up." However, while we're talking about restored relationships, we must also acknowledge that sometimes, as in my case with the other woman, a relationship with the offender may not be desirable, or even expedient. In such situations the Bible is still clear on what responsibility we do bear before the Lord. Verses such as Romans 12:18 tell us, "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men." Similarly, Hebrews 12:14 says, "Pursue peace with all men." Obviously, the "all men" referred to in both of these verses would include the person who injured us. So, while it's possible that you or I won't ever have any association with the wrongdoer again - we can still be at peace with that person. If we should encounter him or her, we experience no internal conflict and may even wish them well. Most importantly, though, we can rest assured if we are in a state of forgiveness and have peace with God concerning the matter.
Whether the final destination of your own journey is reconciliation or a state of peace, I hope that throughout this series I've been able to convince you that forgiveness towards others is not only possible, but completely attainable. It certainly is not just for "super Christians." Our ability doesn't rest with us, but with God. For "...with God all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26) Secondly, I also hope I've demonstrated the beautiful benefits of forgiveness in order that you may extend it from a heart filled and overflowing with grace. Therefore, my prayer for each of you comes from Paul's statement in Hebrews 13:9 where he says, "For it is a good thing that the heart be established with grace."
Well, I think that finally wraps up this series! Really it's been good for me too as I've reviewed and thought a lot about the things I've learned while struggling to forgive.
Together we've seen how wonderful our God is as He works in us "both to will and to work for His good pleasure." (Philippians 2:13) As a recap, we discovered that forgiveness is: God's Will; God's Plan; God's Pruning; God's Way; and God's Love. I'm sure there's so many other facets of forgiveness I could have covered, but I shared the main things I felt the Lord wanted me to. I certainly welcome your questions or comments here, or if you prefer, you may contact me privately at titus2homemaker@gmail.com.
Next time, Lord willing, I'll talk about standing in prayer for your marriage. I'll have some practical tips and a whole list of Scriptures that are wonderful to pray. Until then, may God's peace guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7)
There are just two more points I'd like to share with you. I'll admit that I'm really anxious to move on to standing in prayer for your marriage and so that's why I'm combining these into one post. Without further introduction then, let's find out two more ways God uses the grace of forgiveness in our lives.
Forgiveness is God's Way to Witnessing: I actually learned this lesson years ago as an outside observer, long before experiencing the devastation of infidelity in my own marriage. To me, my friend, Meghan, was a living example of godliness. She handled her husband's adultery with grace and dignity. When Mike began having an affair with a co-worker, she clung to the Lord and sought Him prayerfully. After many months of heartache, he finally ended his illicit relationship with the other woman. Together they began the work of rebuilding their marriage and healing the damage to their five children. Meghan was a true inspiration during this time as her faith in the Lord shone brightly all around her.
However, most amazing was the way Meghan's forgiveness of the other woman glorified God. Unlike many couples recovering from adultery, Meghan and Mike still had to deal with this woman almost daily since she continued working in the same office as Mike. As the holidays approached that year, so did the company Christmas party. Mike was nervous to bring it up. When he finally did mention it, Meghan didn't waver. Of course they would go!
Working at a company such as he did, making a large salary, the event was a real "black-tie affair." The ladies were all dressed up and Meghan looked beautiful in her elegant, yet modest, evening gown. Going to the ladies' room, she opened the door to see the "other woman" standing at the sink, freshening up her makeup. Instead of feeling the sting of humiliation, Meghan forgot herself and felt pity for this woman instead. Her heart was heavy for where this person must have been spiritually. The moment seemed supernaturally orchestrated by the Lord; there was no one else in the room but the two of them. With a look of compassion and a gracious smile, Meghan slowly approached and asked if she was Beth. The other woman, who had turned toward her, shakily answered, "Yes," but would not look Meghan in the eyes.
In the next moment, my friend gently wrapped her arms around Beth's shoulders, then stood back and replied, "I just want you to know Beth, that because Jesus forgives me, I forgive you too." For the first time Beth looked up at Meghan, surprise filling her face. Then her hand went to her mouth as she attempted to stifle her astonishment, and tears sprung to her eyes. A second later she lost all composure and began sobbing. Now Meghan was holding her while she cried.
After a few minutes, her tears subsided somewhat and she finally managed, "I always knew you were a Christian." Not too much else was said between the women, but you can be sure that our heavenly Father was looking down and smiling. Through her forgiveness, Meghan had witnessed to this woman that Jesus Christ was real and alive in a profound way. She and Mike have since moved away, but a verse comes to mind whenever I think of her: "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." (Matthew 5:16)
Fast forward several years in my own life to the year 2009. It was the weekend after Christmas. For months now I'd been working hard at maturing into a godly wife after learning of my husband's affair; learning to die to myself and becoming "like a grain of wheat," as mentioned in John 12:24. Taking my "Christmas money" - cash gifts from my parents and in-laws - I treated Aaron to a weekend getaway. Everything went absolutely wonderful: the food was fabulous, the inn romantic, and the activities enjoyable. On the way home we dawdled - stopping here and there like we never wanted it to end.
While I want to preserve some of the intimacy and specialness of the time for just the two of us, I will tell you that something very significant happened as we were going home on the last evening. It was dark, and because he was tired, my husband had asked me to drive. For most of the way we talked non-stop. However, at one point a couple quiet minutes passed and I noticed that Aaron was staring out his window at the dark countryside. An oncoming car showed me that he was crying. I chose to say nothing and wait for him to talk.
After a few more minutes he said softly, "Why did you spend your money on me? You could have bought something for yourself - instead you repaid me good for my evil." I was incredibly touched. That moment led to us disclosing many things that were on our hearts with each other. However, I think most significant, in a spiritual sense, was what I had "shared," not verbally, but through my actions towards him. For this I can take no credit as there were many times throughout the weekend when I was just itching to say something, and the Lord would whisper, "Quiet."
Inwardly, as we were sharing, I was praying. I was thinking about the Lord's warning to me all weekend and bearing in mind 1 Peter 3:1-2 where the Apostle admonishes wives to "win" their disobedient husbands without a word. Looking back, I really think that because I had kept quiet all weekend, allowing God's grace to be displayed by my deeds, a door of opportunity for me to speak was opened. I was finally able to tell Aaron that I had truly forgiven him, and that our weekend away was simply a reflection of what God had done for me. Glancing over at him, I continued. There was one verse I felt the Lord wanted me to share, so I said something like, "You know, honey, this reminds me of a time in my life. It was when I finally realized what amazing things the Lord had done for me, even though I was a terrible sinner, that I repented and received Christ as my savior. I can't help but think of Romans 2:4 which says that the 'kindness of God leads (us) to repentance.'''
That was just the beginning of breakthroughs the Lord would do in us, and in our marriage. In the months since that precious weekend, my wonderful husband has not only come back to the Lord, he also has a real burden for those who don't know Him! Just a couple days ago he shared with me that he needs to witness to a particular person the Lord has laid on his heart. Praise God!
Finally, a last thought on forgiveness...
Forgiveness is God's Love (As Demonstrated Through His Reconciliation with Us): This one is really quite simple. When we choose to forgive someone who has sinned against us, we choose to become like our Father. God, according to His grace, chose to reconcile the world to Himself through the act of forgiveness.
"...God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them." (2 Corinthians 5:19)
In the same way, while we cannot control the other person's response to our forgiveness, we may offer the only hope of our relationship with that person being restored. Our willingness to bear their sin debt toward us, through the grace of forgiveness, acts as the catalyst for such a possibility to even exist. If you're reading this and the offender is your husband, then forgiving him will be the greatest investment in your marriage you will ever make. I know that in my own experience, forgiving Aaron opened wide the floodgates to all the subsequent things God has done.
May I further suggest that forgiveness is the greatest expression of love we can show. Think of the well-known verse, "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) It was Christ's atonement on our behalf, resulting in forgiveness of sins, that was the very manifestation of His love. Likewise, 1 Peter 4:8 tells us what the outcome of our love in action should be: "...Love covers a multitude of sins."
For a wonderful commentary of this verse and the role of forgiveness in becoming perfected in love, I'll turn to Gill's Exposition of the Bible. (For those who don't know who John Gill was, he was pastor for 51 years at Metropolitan Tabernacle, the same church that Charles Spurgeon pastored one hundred years later.)
"'For charity shall cover the multitude of sins'; referring to Proverbs 10:12. Not a man's own sins, but the sins of others; and not from the sight of God, for from that only the blood and righteousness of Christ cover sins, even all the sins, the whole multitude of the sins of God's elect; but from the sight of men, both of those against whom they are committed, and others; since charity, or true love, thinks no ill, but puts the best constructions upon the words and actions of fellow Christians, and does not take them up, and improve and exaggerate them, but lets them lie buried in oblivion: it takes no notice of injuries, offences, and affronts, but overlooks them, bears with them, and forgives them, so that they are never raked up, and seen any more; which prevents much scandal, strife, and trouble." (Emphasis mine)
I don't know about you, but I really love the word-picture of forgiveness he paints for us in that last statement - "...so that they are never raked up." However, while we're talking about restored relationships, we must also acknowledge that sometimes, as in my case with the other woman, a relationship with the offender may not be desirable, or even expedient. In such situations the Bible is still clear on what responsibility we do bear before the Lord. Verses such as Romans 12:18 tell us, "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men." Similarly, Hebrews 12:14 says, "Pursue peace with all men." Obviously, the "all men" referred to in both of these verses would include the person who injured us. So, while it's possible that you or I won't ever have any association with the wrongdoer again - we can still be at peace with that person. If we should encounter him or her, we experience no internal conflict and may even wish them well. Most importantly, though, we can rest assured if we are in a state of forgiveness and have peace with God concerning the matter.
Whether the final destination of your own journey is reconciliation or a state of peace, I hope that throughout this series I've been able to convince you that forgiveness towards others is not only possible, but completely attainable. It certainly is not just for "super Christians." Our ability doesn't rest with us, but with God. For "...with God all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26) Secondly, I also hope I've demonstrated the beautiful benefits of forgiveness in order that you may extend it from a heart filled and overflowing with grace. Therefore, my prayer for each of you comes from Paul's statement in Hebrews 13:9 where he says, "For it is a good thing that the heart be established with grace."
Well, I think that finally wraps up this series! Really it's been good for me too as I've reviewed and thought a lot about the things I've learned while struggling to forgive.
Together we've seen how wonderful our God is as He works in us "both to will and to work for His good pleasure." (Philippians 2:13) As a recap, we discovered that forgiveness is: God's Will; God's Plan; God's Pruning; God's Way; and God's Love. I'm sure there's so many other facets of forgiveness I could have covered, but I shared the main things I felt the Lord wanted me to. I certainly welcome your questions or comments here, or if you prefer, you may contact me privately at titus2homemaker@gmail.com.
Next time, Lord willing, I'll talk about standing in prayer for your marriage. I'll have some practical tips and a whole list of Scriptures that are wonderful to pray. Until then, may God's peace guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7)
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