Sorry I haven't posted for a little while. Life has been incredibly hectic these last few weeks! My heart has been here on the blog, but my body just hasn't been in front of the computer very much!
Anyway, before I move on with Biblical femininity versus false femininity, I felt a tug at my heart to reach out to those who may be hurting in their marriage right now. I pray that God will restore hope to you, my dear sister, by reminding you over and over again that He is for you and for your marriage. Your relationship with your husband will not be healed by you, but by your Heavenly Father...
"Jesus said to them, 'My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to accomplish His work.' " John 4:34
Recently I came across this verse while reading the Bible and it caused me to stop and ponder it. Jesus said that His food was to do God's will. It really got me to thinking about whether I could say that or not. Jesus derived His very sustenance from obeying His father.
For some reason this led me to think about all that I've been writing lately and all the women across America who are feeling hurt and empty in their marriages. I started to wonder if there were a connection between John 4:34 and this struggle of such a vast number of wives.
Then this week while I was praying about the blog I began to feel the Lord speaking to me about this verse and others like it. He laid on my heart a simple message to hurting wives.
God Created Men and Women with Different "Orientations"
Funny, but it actually first happened while I was bringing my "complaints" before God. I had been telling Him how it's been kind of hard lately since Aaron has been working so much - leaving me feeling a bit "disconnected." I was really struggling with this and, what's worse, I sensed that he didn't share this concern at all. Our relationship just wasn't on his "radar!" Believe me, it was tempting to revert to old ways of thinking and to feel sorry for myself. However, as I prayed that God might intervene so my husband would get a break (and thus we could spend more time together), a question came suddenly to my mind.
It was as if God asked me, "What did I create Aaron for?" I thought about it for a moment before I replied. "Work, Lord. You created him for work." Then He spoke to my heart again. "What did I create you for?" This time I didn't hesitate as a light bulb was beginning to come on. "You created me to be a help meet, Father. You made me for my husband."
The truth washed over me and with it came His incredible peace. I want to share this with you now too, dear sister. You see, God made our husbands for work - that is their created purpose. "The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it." (Genesis 2:15) So when your husband or mine is focused on his work, he's just doing what he was created to do. Therefore, we need to understand this: Men are work-oriented by their divinely-created nature.
Now, this isn't to discredit the fact that there are some "workaholic" type men out there; but by and large, I'm afraid that what we label "workaholic" most of the time is really just hard-working and diligent.
But how can you know? let's take a look again at a concept I've discussed only briefly before. It's the idea of goodwill. Is your husband good willed toward you? If he knew you were troubled about his work schedule and you communicated this to him in a non-critical and respectful way, would he attempt to make changes if he could? I know that when I really think about it Aaron tells me all the time that he wishes he didn't have to work so much. He's good willed towards me. By contrast, a man who truly has a problem like workaholism (a silly term in some ways because of its overuse) is a selfish man who is not concerned with the feeling of others. This is much the same way an alcoholic acts selfish and abusive toward others.
However, let's get back to orientations. We've discussed the masculine trait; that man was created for work. But of course there is the feminine side of creation as well. Here we see that woman was created for man. Therefore our number one focus isn't usually work, but rather relationships. We tend to be relationship-oriented. This difference between men and women explains why unless we're fighting or having major problems, my husband assumes all is well in our marriage. He goes on with his work, focused not on me - but on his tasks!
Meanwhile, this relationship-oriented wife can start to feel neglected; oftentimes assuming some things of my own! I entertain sinful accusations such as: my husband doesn't care, he puts other things ahead of me, or fill in the blank - you name it and I've probably thought it. Of course this kind of thinking is the very opposite of the description of love found in 1 Corinthians 13. In particular let's look at the exhortation in verse 7: "(Love) bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." The phrase I've underlined, "believes all things," contains the notion of believing the best about someone. This includes our husbands ladies!
Let's remember that when we are carnally-minded, thinking the worst about our spouse, rather than spiritually-minded as in 1 Corinthians 13, we will experience the consequences of that choice. (And, truly, it is a choice!) Look with me at Romans 8:6: "For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace." Do you want to have peace? Then think loving thoughts toward your husband - mixed with large doses of understanding and patience! Choose to believe that your husband is not purposely ignoring you, but is working hard to provide for you!
I just want to share one more thing on this idea of men and women and their orientations. A neat discovery I've made in the last couple years comes from the book, Motivating Your Man God's Way: Applying One Word That Energizes Him to Love by Dr. Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs. In the chapter entitled "His Friendship: Respecting His Desire for Shoulder-to-Shoulder Relationship" they speak of men's desire for shoulder-to-shoulder activities with their wives. Whereas the desire of most wives is for face-to-face conversation, this just doesn't factor in highly in a man's view of things. Consider this quote from the book:
"A wife can so focus on face-to-face talking that she overlooks the massive amount of positive energy that fills his spirit when she does shoulder-to-shoulder activities. In fact, he has the same goal that she does: to be close friends."
You see, neither desire is right or wrong; they're just different. Yet, not understanding this difference is where we can get into trouble. For example, if it's been awhile since our hubby sat down across from us for a cup of coffee and some good conversation, we might be tempted to feel that we haven't really "connected" lately. However, he doesn't necessarily feel the same way. He's not likely to feel a bit disconnected by the lack of this. What he does long for and get energized by though is doing something together. And guess what? When we begin to grasp all this and make changes to accommodate our husband, we can not only increase his feelings of love for us (the thing we want most); we can also spend more time with him than ever before!
So what can we do? It's simple - join him in his work and play. No, I don't mean go to the office with him. But let me ask you: Does he do work in the yard? Then why not go out and join him? Could he use your help with emails, phone calls, or paperwork? Do it and enjoy knowing that you're being his help meet - a helper suitable. Does he like to jog? Jog with him! (This is me preaching to myself! For years my husband asked me to go jogging with him and I balked at it. However, for the last year and a half I've been going with him and have learned to happily enjoy this "unusual" form of togetherness, even though I most certainly am a coffee klatch kind of woman!) Are you starting to understand, dear sister? By doing this you will tremendously bless your marriage through your "sacrifice" and please God at the same time.
Still Hungering
By now perhaps you're wondering when I'm going to tie in the beginning verse of Scripture with this message. I'd like to do that in just a moment. With a heavy heart, I realize that sometimes a marriage is beyond, sometimes well beyond, the need for the "band-aid" that I've seemed to prescribe above. Sometimes our relationship with our husband is so painful that we hurt down to our very soul. Friend, believe me, I have been there. I know what it's like to experience emotional distress so great that it actually physically hurts. Therefore, please allow me to share two thoughts on this that I hope may help someone who may be in that dark place right now. The second suggestion I will lay out in practical steps as we elaborate more on it in the weeks to come.
To begin then, I encourage you to do a thorough search of the Psalms sometime soon. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that you will find a lot of "company" in them. In fact, a great many reveal King David in the depths of despair; times of intense emotional, physical, and spiritual pain. But there's something I really want you to notice. Read such Psalms carefully and you will see that while David spills out all his agony, he almost always "sandwiches" it between wonderful declarations of faith.
A good example of this is Psalm 31. He begins the first section of the Psalm by saying, "In You, O LORD, I have taken refuge..." (Verse 1) Then in the next section, beginning around verse 9, he moves to expressing his complaints: "Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; My eye is wasted away from grief, my soul and my body also." (Notice that he even speaks of physical ailments stemming from his emotional state-of-being.) However, once again David turns his attention to the Almighty God in verse 14 with a bold statement of faith, which continues beautifully throughout the rest of the Psalm: "But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD, I say, 'You are my God.' "
David is a good example for us. When we're in a situation with almost no human strength left, like the Psalmist we often find that our hunger for the things of this world decreases, while our hunger for God increases. Even though our present reality may be one of suffering, we seem to make our way back to Him as the physical takes a backseat to the spiritual. Or, as I like to think, the spiritual takes precedence over the physical. In the Psalms David demonstrates this by beginning and ending with God in all his trials. I believe, however, this is just the way God made us. He created us with a need to be satisfied in Him alone - a soul hunger.
Satisfaction for the Soul
Without trying to be redundant on this blog, if hunger for God is the diagnosis, how do we go about satisfying this hunger for Him? Of course, there are the obvious ways. The first being that we draw nearer to Him through earnest prayer and study and meditation of His Word. However, with that said I feel compelled to also warn. This is something we must do for ourselves; it cannot be merely reading about or listening to someone else talk about their relationship with God. Biographies and other books are great and can really encourage us; but they are no substitute for developing our own habit of spiritual discipline.
"As the deer pants for the water brooks, So my soul pants for You, O God." Psalm 42:1
In Spurgeon's unequaled Treasury of David, he writes of the verse above: "As after a long drought the poor fainting hind longs for the streams, or rather as the hunted hart instinctively seeks after the river to lave its smoking flanks and to escape the dogs, even so my weary, persecuted soul pants after the Lord my God. Debarred from public worship, David was heartsick. Ease he did not seek, honour he did not covet, but the enjoyment of communion with God was an urgent need of his soul; he viewed it not merely as the sweetest of all luxuries, but as an absolute necessity, like water to a stag. Like the parched traveller in the wilderness, whose skin bottle is empty, and who finds the wells dry, he must drink or die - he must have his God or faint. His soul, his very self, his deepest life, was insatiable for a sense of the divine presence."
I think there's an amazing parallel here. The emphasis that Charles Spurgeon placed on David as one being "debarred from public worship" is often true of how we feel when we're experiencing trials. For example, have you ever felt like avoiding fellowship, embarrassed at the thought of people finding out about your troubles? Are you afraid that others wouldn't understand what you're going through? Or perhaps you've experienced a sense of isolation because of your marriage troubles? Boy, let me tell you - I've been there and done that! And to a degree these things are true. Our trial is unique to us. But we're not alone. Like David, we have a God who will satisfy our longings and meet the heart's deepest need for communion. But we must seek Him in earnest.
Then, we must also seek to be like Him. Now, mind you, He doesn't call us to make sure our husband is becoming more like Him. It's easy to think that if our spouse would just be like this, or like that, or in some way different than he is now, our marriage problems would go away. Oftentimes we spiritualize this tendency by saying that we just want our husband to love us "like Christ loved the church." Friend, if this describes you then please stop right now! Of course we want our husband to love us this way - but we can't make him do anything! No amount of pleading, guilt-tripping, preaching, or manipulating can bring it about. In fact, our drive to change him will almost assure that he will not love us in this manner; and worse, it could actually cool his love altogether.
No, we cannot change our husband. We must leave that to God. The only person we can change is ourself. It is for our own sake that we must seek Him and plead that He will give us the power to change. Remember, He will do the work if we'll just allow Him: "For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure." (Philippians 2:13) Dear friend, let me lovingly tell you that as long as your eyes are on your husband you will not be able to see the Lord. This is so crucial that I'm going to say that again in a slightly different way. As long as your eyes (your focus, your energy) are on fixing your husband, they will not be on Jesus. Let that speak to you a moment while I remind you of what Scripture commands us to do:
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2
Besides growing closer to Christ is there a benefit to this? Of course! Many, many benefits of which may include a happier, more fulfilling marriage. Look with me at a familiar verse: "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33) Do you see? First and foremost we seek God; then we seek to walk in righteousness; and lastly, on the condition that we do these things, there's a promised reward. He will "add" all these other things to us. Could a God-honoring marriage be one of those things? Yes, I believe so. This type of marriage is a blessing to us for our faithfulness, and a glory to His Holy name.
That "Other" Suggestion
Okay, I realize that I still haven't gotten to that verse at the beginning, or that second, more practical suggestion yet. So here's what I feel like the Lord has been laying on my heart. Sometimes we can be doing all the "right things." We can be praying, reading His Word, fellowshipping with other believers, and serving at church. It's a sad fact but we can faithfully be doing all these things and despite this, still be missing the point. And as a consequence we feel empty. We feel like there should be more. I know because I've done it!
This state of "missing the point" happens when we are not walking in God's perfect will. It can be in any number of areas but I'll give just a few examples wives are apt to be guilty of: Not fulfilling our role as wife; not being in submission to our husband; not treating our husband with respect; or perhaps expecting our husband to meet all our needs. I could easily list more because all four that I mentioned here describe me for seventeen years! During all that time I felt the lack of true joy in my life because unknowingly I was disobeying God in my marriage. I honestly believed, however, that this lack of joy was due to my husband's behavior, not mine.
So let's look once more at that verse from John: "Jesus said to them, 'My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to accomplish His work.' " (John 4:34) Again what Jesus was saying here is that His sustenance came from doing His Father's will. In our modern language we might say that he was "energized" by doing the Father's will.
The same is true of us, dear sister. We're happiest, most-satisfied, and most-nurtured in Christ when we are doing His will. Have you ever noticed that people who are spiritually mature and are seeking to please the Lord in all areas of their lives are often the most energetic people you know? These are well-fed Christians! They receive power and grace for living - spiritual food - because they're obedient to the "work" the Father has given them.
On the other hand, observe a Christian who is walking in obvious disobedience and what do you see? They're tired... they're frustrated... they're depressed. Is it any wonder? Not when we consider what the Bible says in Matthew 4:4: "But He answered and said, 'It is written, "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.' " Here we see clearly that God's Word is food for the believer; but we must ask ourselves, How then do we partake of it? Only by obeying it as Jesus did when He stated, "I know Him and keep His Word." (John 8:55) I'm afraid, however, that far too many Christians are "malnourished" for lack of spiritual food. They are not doers of the Word, but are merely hearers who James 1:22 says "deceive themselves."
Let me encourage you today. Our food is to do God's will. It's to obey what His Word says. If you were to read the entire passage from John 4 you would see that Jesus told His disciples that He had food to eat that they didn't know about. (Verse 32) We, too, as followers of Christ, have food to eat which the world doesn't know about. It cannot know about it because it doesn't know the Source of that food.
In this day and age of a culture dominated by feminism, we have an upward battle as women to "unlearn" much of what we have been taught. Unfortunately, even in the church there are subtle hints of it that have crept in largely unnoticed. Perhaps this is why the divorce rate among evangelicals is climbing. But you and I can change that. Oh, maybe not in the larger picture, but we can change things inside the four walls of our own homes. When we begin to do this - living out the Lord's will for us in our marriage - we will discover greater happiness and peace than we can ever imagine! We will no longer feel empty and hungry, but will be "filled" with food because we are obeying our Heavenly Father. The spiritual will take precedence over the physical.
So what is God's will for us as wives? Well, for starters we know that we are to respect our husbands as we're commanded to Ephesians 5:33, as well as other passages. By the poll that's here on the blog you might have guessed that I plan to do a series of posts of what respect looks like, and practical ways we can live this out. I've already begun to hint at some of those things in the last post about the adulteress. However, there's so much more and I really look forward to exploring them with you!
But secondly, before I get to the series on respect, I still plan on doing the post on Biblical femininity. This will teach us basic things that we should be doing and striving toward as women of God, as well as what to avoid. I hope it will be a challenge to us all.
In summary of the things we've looked at today, there are three points: Men and women are oriented differently, we must seek a deeper relationship with God, and we must seek spiritual food by obeying Him. I think a key thing to remember, dear sister, is that becoming what I like to call a "1 Peter 3 wife" is a lifetime of learning. It's not an impossible or overwhelming task. It's simply one day and one step at a time. We don't need to become discouraged when God only asks us to do the "next thing." What's more, He's there to help us in all our weaknesses!
God is so good. His lovingkindness towards you and me extends to the heavens, and His faithfulness reaches to the skies. (Psalm 36:5) Go in peace this week!
