Before I go on, however, I need to clarify for those who have just joined us beginning with this series, that in the last post on discouragement I talked about forgiving yourself, while I omitted discussion on forgiving your spouse or the other person. The reason for this is that I wrote a whole series of posts specifically dealing with forgiveness, beginning with the post entitled, "Dealing With Unforgiveness First" published on 9-5-10. The series continues for a total of nine consecutive posts with the last one added on 11-22-10. If you are struggling in this area please refer to those articles. Hopefully they will help you in dealing with this issue which, if left unresolved, will certainly be an obstacle to healing your marriage. With that said then, let's move on.
Danger Zone: Deception
Can I talk to you honestly and candidly today about the third "D" word? The word is "deception." Perhaps more than any other device of Satan, deception is a great threat to our marriage restoration. While the first two, disillusionment and discouragement, can lead us to despair and resignation; deception can lead us to have a false and insidious sense of hope, empowerment, entitlement, and restored self-respect.
Dear Sister - please keep reading this and listen! When the enemy whispers the things I'm going to share with you in your ear - Flee! Run! Submit to God and resist the devil! (James 4:7) If you remember nothing else, remember that our enemy is called "The father of lies" by Jesus in John 8:44. This means that he cannot tell the truth. So when he comes with his lies telling you that if you'll just do this, or just do that, you'll be much happier - don't believe him!! I've never felt so strongly before about what I'm going to share in this and the next post. Let me humbly say that I believe it is straight from the Lord to someone who really needs to hear it.
Dear Sister - please keep reading this and listen! When the enemy whispers the things I'm going to share with you in your ear - Flee! Run! Submit to God and resist the devil! (James 4:7) If you remember nothing else, remember that our enemy is called "The father of lies" by Jesus in John 8:44. This means that he cannot tell the truth. So when he comes with his lies telling you that if you'll just do this, or just do that, you'll be much happier - don't believe him!! I've never felt so strongly before about what I'm going to share in this and the next post. Let me humbly say that I believe it is straight from the Lord to someone who really needs to hear it.
Now, I'm sure I could discuss many ways Satan tries to deceive us after being betrayed by our spouse; however, there are just two that I'm going to focus on in these next couple posts. And because they're both vitally important I will only be looking at one at a time. As I do, I will get into various aspects of them, talk about their deceptiveness, and then discuss what God's truth is instead. This way I may cover them thoroughly as I believe the Lord would have me do.
So let's begin with the first tactic of Satan. This is when the enemy introduces another man - an available man - into our thoughts and lives in either a subtle or overt way. What I mean will become clear in a minute as I tell you how the former happened to me, and what the "spiritual atmosphere" was like that led to it.
Adultery Becomes Enticing
So let's begin with the first tactic of Satan. This is when the enemy introduces another man - an available man - into our thoughts and lives in either a subtle or overt way. What I mean will become clear in a minute as I tell you how the former happened to me, and what the "spiritual atmosphere" was like that led to it.
Oh friend! How I just want to cry in shame when I think back and remember certain things. How after the dust had settled on my discovery of Aaron's affair, I began to be ambivalent in regards to my course of action and who I wanted to listen to. On the one hand, I just wanted God. I wanted Him more than anything! My spirit and soul cried out, "Oh God! You are my refuge, My portion in the land of the living!" (Psalm 142:5) I was convinced that He was truly all I wanted or needed. To a large degree that was probably true.
But my flesh... well, my flesh was my flesh and it wanted something else! Had you asked me at that time if I had a problem with carnal thinking I probably would have denied it. I doubt I would have seen it because I truly was seeking God. With all my heart! However, what I was blind to was that in reality, I had become double-minded. While I was praying, seeking the Lord, and immersing myself in the Bible, a plan of a different sort was hatching in my mind.
A back-up plan I suppose you could call it. It went like this: If this doesn't work out, I know several good, single Christian men; any of whom might be a future possibility. It gave me a sense of hope. Over the course of the next couple weeks I thought carefully about each one of them and finally narrowed it down to two. Oh how hard this is for me to admit! How humbling to tell you that I was unfaithful in my mind.
Now, I would not say that I "fantasized" about them. At least not in the sense we usually associate with fantasizing. But I did do a lot of thinking about them - their personalities, jobs, walks with the Lord. I tried to determine whether or not they would be good stepfathers to my children. I compared them against each other. Worst of all, I compared them to my husband! I bet you can guess who came out on the bottom of the chart at that particular time?!
So, you see, Satan's deception can be oh-so-subtle. It can be justified. I believe at one point I felt a bit of conviction over what I was doing, but I also remember rationalizing it by thinking that it was good to be planning for the future - "just in case..." I'm so thankful to God, however, that this foolish thinking didn't last long. He eventually brought me back to my senses and to repentance. I hope you will understand what I'm striving to show you and not be even remotely tempted to entertain such evil. But be on the alert, for our enemy is a sneaky deceiver. This has been the way of Satan toward the saints throughout history. Dear sister, remember - When he cannot walk through the front door for reason that we would recognize him, he sneaks in through the back!
So then, consider me to be pleading with you to change your course if you're at all contemplating or dwelling on other men. Don't believe for one minute that because you are surrounded by a hundred available men, or even just one who smoothly comes across your path, somehow this must be from the Lord. God did not, and indeed would not, bring some man into your life so that in case your marriage doesn't work out, you'll have a new love interest. Consider with me James 1:13b, "God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone." No, as a married woman, if a new man comes into your life, or an old acquaintance suddenly becomes intriguing to you, this is not of God but of the devil! Those thoughts you're entertaining originated with the enemy and are being carried out by your old nature: "But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust." (James 1:14)
Look at what the apostle Paul wrote to the church in Corinth, which constantly struggled with sin in its midst: "But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your minds will be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ." Paul did not write these words to warn unbelievers, but rather believers! This means that you and I can be deceived by Satan.
Secondly, I know I've quoted this verse before, but think of what the Scriptures exhort us to do in Proverbs 4:23: "Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life." If I were to use the Inductive Bible study method for this verse I would probably note several key words, including the words "all" and "diligence." From this I would conclude that the writer of Proverbs (Solomon) meant that the phrase "to the greatest extent or quantity possible" ought to describe my degree of diligence. The next thing I would conclude is that by using the word "diligence" he wished to convey the idea of "conscientiousness in paying proper attention to a task." And what would that task be to which he was referring? That's right, watching or guarding my heart. To apply this verse to my life then, I would want to use the greatest extent of conscientiousness to check the meditations and thoughts of my heart. Then I would need to be alert to whether they line up with God's Word or not.
Had I done this honestly and applied the Biblical truth of Proverbs 4:23 I don't think these thoughts would have gotten very far. I would have realized that Jesus said, "For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders. (Matthew 15:19, emphasis mine) Another interesting thing when I look back is how I kept these thoughts to myself. I didn't share them with my prayer partners. This desire to keep them "secret" should have been a big clue about the wrong direction my thought life was going.
Now, in switching gears, I will not say as much regarding a more blatant way Satan tries to trip us up; however, I do need to mention it. I know of at least one couple whose marriage ended because the betrayed spouse figured they would give the other person a taste of their own medicine. I can't tell you strongly enough - this is a really bad idea! It is straight from the pit of hell and is a lie. You will only be heaping shame and guilt on yourself and adding to your marital problems. There is truth in the old saying, "Two wrongs don't make a right." In addition, please remember that the adulterer suffers as much as the betrayed. The consequences they endure may not be apparent in the beginning, but will become more so as time goes on - especially during the reconciliation process. Don't add the pain of this to yourself as well.
Now, from what I can see, the three main reasons betrayed spouses may be tempted to commit adultery themselves are:
1) To get revenge
2) To attempt to make their spouse jealous (possibly with the hope that this will make him/her "come back" to them)
3) To prop up their own battered self-respect and feel empowered
A husband or wife who has been betrayed may do this for any of these reasons, or a combination of them. With all my heart, let me say that God's Word is contrary to every single one. To begin with, how does the Scripture say we should overcome evil? If you're a Christian you know: "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21) So that means we are to put off thoughts of revenge, and put on the love and kindness of our Lord Jesus Christ - who loved us while we were yet sinners. (Romans 5:8) You'll have the greatest chance of winning your erring spouse when you pour out goodness into their life, rather than bitterness and revenge. You may overcome their evil with your good!
And need I say anything about whether God will approve of us sinning to teach someone a lesson, or for any other reason? Planning to be unfaithful to our spouse falls into the category of what the Bible calls "presumptuous sin." It is premeditated. Look with me at what David prayed regarding this: "Keep back Your servant from presumptuous sins; Let them not rule over me." (Psalm 19:13) Friend, when you allow yourself to go down this road you are no longer free in Christ. You are in bondage to sin and have placed yourself under its rule and authority.
As for your self-respect I would encourage you to look to our Lord, who made you in His image. If you know Jesus as your Lord and Savior you are a blood-bought child of the King! You are the righteousness of God in Christ. (2 Corinthians 5:21) I really could go on and on, and I would love to, but time prevents me. Therefore, I encourage you to do it by really getting into the Scriptures to discover your identity in Christ. And even then you'll only begin to grasp just a tiny bit! "Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." (1 Corinthians 2:9) God does not want you to look to other people to make you feel good about yourself; rather He wants you to be content in your relationship with Him. When you do that, everything else will fall into place.
In closing, I can't tell you how much I've been praying for readers of this blog. You've been on my heart. It's also been a rough ride here lately. Not between my husband and I, but with another family member. Honestly I started this post on the 9th, and here it is the 14th. I've thought that perhaps Satan was trying to prevent me from finishing it since all kinds of stuff keeps happening. But praise God that He's with me and with you. As Christians we'll never be closer to Him than we are right now - because He lives inside us! Let me leave you then with a favorite verse of mine that is fitting for such times:
"Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD shall be a light unto me." Micah 7:8
P.S. - It's very late and I'm going to post now but edit tomorrow. Sorry for any mistakes or weird grammar!
But my flesh... well, my flesh was my flesh and it wanted something else! Had you asked me at that time if I had a problem with carnal thinking I probably would have denied it. I doubt I would have seen it because I truly was seeking God. With all my heart! However, what I was blind to was that in reality, I had become double-minded. While I was praying, seeking the Lord, and immersing myself in the Bible, a plan of a different sort was hatching in my mind.
A back-up plan I suppose you could call it. It went like this: If this doesn't work out, I know several good, single Christian men; any of whom might be a future possibility. It gave me a sense of hope. Over the course of the next couple weeks I thought carefully about each one of them and finally narrowed it down to two. Oh how hard this is for me to admit! How humbling to tell you that I was unfaithful in my mind.
Now, I would not say that I "fantasized" about them. At least not in the sense we usually associate with fantasizing. But I did do a lot of thinking about them - their personalities, jobs, walks with the Lord. I tried to determine whether or not they would be good stepfathers to my children. I compared them against each other. Worst of all, I compared them to my husband! I bet you can guess who came out on the bottom of the chart at that particular time?!
So, you see, Satan's deception can be oh-so-subtle. It can be justified. I believe at one point I felt a bit of conviction over what I was doing, but I also remember rationalizing it by thinking that it was good to be planning for the future - "just in case..." I'm so thankful to God, however, that this foolish thinking didn't last long. He eventually brought me back to my senses and to repentance. I hope you will understand what I'm striving to show you and not be even remotely tempted to entertain such evil. But be on the alert, for our enemy is a sneaky deceiver. This has been the way of Satan toward the saints throughout history. Dear sister, remember - When he cannot walk through the front door for reason that we would recognize him, he sneaks in through the back!
So then, consider me to be pleading with you to change your course if you're at all contemplating or dwelling on other men. Don't believe for one minute that because you are surrounded by a hundred available men, or even just one who smoothly comes across your path, somehow this must be from the Lord. God did not, and indeed would not, bring some man into your life so that in case your marriage doesn't work out, you'll have a new love interest. Consider with me James 1:13b, "God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone." No, as a married woman, if a new man comes into your life, or an old acquaintance suddenly becomes intriguing to you, this is not of God but of the devil! Those thoughts you're entertaining originated with the enemy and are being carried out by your old nature: "But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust." (James 1:14)
Look at what the apostle Paul wrote to the church in Corinth, which constantly struggled with sin in its midst: "But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your minds will be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ." Paul did not write these words to warn unbelievers, but rather believers! This means that you and I can be deceived by Satan.
Secondly, I know I've quoted this verse before, but think of what the Scriptures exhort us to do in Proverbs 4:23: "Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life." If I were to use the Inductive Bible study method for this verse I would probably note several key words, including the words "all" and "diligence." From this I would conclude that the writer of Proverbs (Solomon) meant that the phrase "to the greatest extent or quantity possible" ought to describe my degree of diligence. The next thing I would conclude is that by using the word "diligence" he wished to convey the idea of "conscientiousness in paying proper attention to a task." And what would that task be to which he was referring? That's right, watching or guarding my heart. To apply this verse to my life then, I would want to use the greatest extent of conscientiousness to check the meditations and thoughts of my heart. Then I would need to be alert to whether they line up with God's Word or not.
Had I done this honestly and applied the Biblical truth of Proverbs 4:23 I don't think these thoughts would have gotten very far. I would have realized that Jesus said, "For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders. (Matthew 15:19, emphasis mine) Another interesting thing when I look back is how I kept these thoughts to myself. I didn't share them with my prayer partners. This desire to keep them "secret" should have been a big clue about the wrong direction my thought life was going.
Now, in switching gears, I will not say as much regarding a more blatant way Satan tries to trip us up; however, I do need to mention it. I know of at least one couple whose marriage ended because the betrayed spouse figured they would give the other person a taste of their own medicine. I can't tell you strongly enough - this is a really bad idea! It is straight from the pit of hell and is a lie. You will only be heaping shame and guilt on yourself and adding to your marital problems. There is truth in the old saying, "Two wrongs don't make a right." In addition, please remember that the adulterer suffers as much as the betrayed. The consequences they endure may not be apparent in the beginning, but will become more so as time goes on - especially during the reconciliation process. Don't add the pain of this to yourself as well.
Now, from what I can see, the three main reasons betrayed spouses may be tempted to commit adultery themselves are:
1) To get revenge
2) To attempt to make their spouse jealous (possibly with the hope that this will make him/her "come back" to them)
3) To prop up their own battered self-respect and feel empowered
A husband or wife who has been betrayed may do this for any of these reasons, or a combination of them. With all my heart, let me say that God's Word is contrary to every single one. To begin with, how does the Scripture say we should overcome evil? If you're a Christian you know: "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21) So that means we are to put off thoughts of revenge, and put on the love and kindness of our Lord Jesus Christ - who loved us while we were yet sinners. (Romans 5:8) You'll have the greatest chance of winning your erring spouse when you pour out goodness into their life, rather than bitterness and revenge. You may overcome their evil with your good!
And need I say anything about whether God will approve of us sinning to teach someone a lesson, or for any other reason? Planning to be unfaithful to our spouse falls into the category of what the Bible calls "presumptuous sin." It is premeditated. Look with me at what David prayed regarding this: "Keep back Your servant from presumptuous sins; Let them not rule over me." (Psalm 19:13) Friend, when you allow yourself to go down this road you are no longer free in Christ. You are in bondage to sin and have placed yourself under its rule and authority.
As for your self-respect I would encourage you to look to our Lord, who made you in His image. If you know Jesus as your Lord and Savior you are a blood-bought child of the King! You are the righteousness of God in Christ. (2 Corinthians 5:21) I really could go on and on, and I would love to, but time prevents me. Therefore, I encourage you to do it by really getting into the Scriptures to discover your identity in Christ. And even then you'll only begin to grasp just a tiny bit! "Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." (1 Corinthians 2:9) God does not want you to look to other people to make you feel good about yourself; rather He wants you to be content in your relationship with Him. When you do that, everything else will fall into place.
In closing, I can't tell you how much I've been praying for readers of this blog. You've been on my heart. It's also been a rough ride here lately. Not between my husband and I, but with another family member. Honestly I started this post on the 9th, and here it is the 14th. I've thought that perhaps Satan was trying to prevent me from finishing it since all kinds of stuff keeps happening. But praise God that He's with me and with you. As Christians we'll never be closer to Him than we are right now - because He lives inside us! Let me leave you then with a favorite verse of mine that is fitting for such times:
"Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD shall be a light unto me." Micah 7:8
P.S. - It's very late and I'm going to post now but edit tomorrow. Sorry for any mistakes or weird grammar!
