Last time, as I began this series on obstacles to healing after adultery, I discussed disillusionment. If you'll recall, I said that disillusionment begins with a longing to return to what we believe was a "better time" in our marriage; ie, before the affair. Most often, however, this notion of how things were is only an illusion, a false perception, of the past. If we're truthful with ourselves, and more importantly with God, we discover that there was much wrong in our marriage and our hearts before infidelity entered the picture. It's at this point, the point where we realize that we contributed - perhaps greatly - to the breakdown of our marriage, that we must be sober and alert. The reason for this is that Satan, our enemy, would love to use this revelation to propel us into the next "D" (which I'll be talking about in a moment) and hinder us from moving forward.
Look with me if you will at 2 Corinthians 2:11, "...Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices." Now, in context Paul is discussing the issue of forgiveness and restoration in this passage from 2 Corinthians. However, the principle which we can, and indeed must, draw from the first part of this verse is this: Satan will use any situation he can (for he's the epitome of the word "opportunist") to defraud and take advantage of us. If he can rip us off of a lifetime-covenant, God-honoring marriage to the man we pledged ourself to, he will use any means to accomplish it. You see, above I said that he would use your disillusionment with the past to keep you from moving forward; but, in reality, he won't stop there. His real desire is to get us to give up on our marriage entirely. That is his ultimate goal. For this reason, we must be discerning, and, as the second part of 2:11 says, "...Not ignorant of his devices."
We've already covered one of those devices and I will get to the next one the Lord has laid on my heart in a just a second. First, though, I want to encourage you by sharing part of a beautiful email I received from a reader this week. I hope that you'll rejoice as I did, because it so perfectly illustrates the fact that as we face the past truthfully, with the light of God's Holy Spirit, it actually becomes the means to healing. As a little background, this dear lady was married many years and had grown children when her husband's emotional affair came to light. It's been almost a year since that time. Here's a quote from her email:
"Infidelity is something that NEVER even crossed my mind. Seriously! If you lined up every man I know, my husband would of been the last person I would of ever picked to do this. It is really hard to believe it has been almost a year. In some ways it seems like a lifetime and in some ways it seems like yesterday. As CRAZY as this seems, I WOULD NEVER GO BACK! Now I know God doesn't tempt us or cause us to sin but I also know he uses ALL things for my good and HIS glory! I can't think of another way for HIM to get my undivided attention like this has. I will NEVER be the same."
Friend, I hope her words encourage you! God is so great! I'm reminded of a wonderful verse: "Who can utter the mighty acts of the LORD? Who can shew forth all his praise?" (Psalm 106:2) He truly does do mighty things in hearts and marriages - if we will just let Him!
So, without further delay let's go ahead and continue with our discussion of the four Ds as obstacles of healing. We will focus today on the second one. Since I believe this will end up a four part series, I hope you'll stay tuned.
Another "D" Word
2. Discouragement: Obviously I don't need to tell you what this one is. But I do have several things I'd like to point out in relation to it and your marriage restoration. While the first "D," disillusionment, is often one of the earliest obstacles we face in this process, discouragement is what may follow. Again, as I alluded to in the opening paragraph, this is partly due to a sense of being overwhelmed when we finally acknowledge our sin and responsibility in undermining our marriage. The other part, however, is that we may begin to feel as if our spouse is not doing their work in healing the relationship, or progressing the way they should. In this post, while we'll tackle aspects of both parts, we may for now conclude this: Disillusionment deals with issues of the past, while discouragement deals with issues of the present.
Let's explore discouragement, as it relates to marriage restoration, a little then. What does it "look like?" One helpful way to discover the answer is to examine our heart when considering this question. What I mean is to note the kinds of thoughts that go through our head when we're struggling with discouragement through the events of an ordinary day. This, I believe, will give us pretty good insight into what tendency we have in not only allowing them to enter our minds, but also in entertaining them.
To demonstrate, I'll give you a fictional scene from my everyday life. Then, I'll pick apart what my thoughts were to see if the same kind of thoughts and feelings have occurred when dealing with the state of my marriage. I believe this will give us a picture of what kinds of thoughts comprise discouragement, and what to watch out for. (Please note! The story below is completely made up - and perhaps a bit comical. I praise God that I don't have too many days where my thoughts run away like that anymore. However, it's worth telling you that before I came to recognize the following schemes of the devil, and the bent of my own carnal nature, I had many such days.)
Here's the scenario: To begin, on this particular day, I overslept and felt upset with myself for doing it. Because I was running late I had to skip devotions which I just hate to do because I never feel right when I miss them! Then, when I came into the kitchen I stepped on something wet - and slimy. Yuck! One of the cats threw up all over my new kitchen rug! (Did I mention that it was new?!) Just then something occurred to me. I thought to myself, "Wasn't Aaron just here a minute ago?! He must have seen it! Why didn't he clean it up?!" Now I was hurt and mad, with cat throw-up all over the bottom of my slipper. "He doesn't care about me! He never cares about anyone but himself! You know, come to think of it - why didn't he wake me up? He knew I wanted to get up by six o'clock." Storming to the bathroom where he was, I demanded an answer to these questions. I ended up having a fight with him.
Ten hours later - after two kids, who never cooperate, gave me a hard time during home school and the dishwasher broke (it seems like that thing is always breaking and, of course, the repairman can't come until next week!), I was tired and just wanted to sit down. But, my luck, I had a mountain of laundry to fold and supper to start. Because I was just so exhausted I thought I'd make something simple, maybe some pancakes. When I went to the pantry I about blew a gasket! "Who used up all the flour?! How can I make pancakes without any flour?!" In frustration I looked around and thought to myself, "Calgon take me away!" (If you grew up in the seventies there's a good chance you remember that commercial.) Finally, I shuffled into the living room, plopped myself on the couch, and cried out to no one in particular, "I give up! I can't do this anymore!"
Now, that was kind of silly. Not too far out there, though, that we can't analyze a few things about the way discouragement takes shape. The first thing we see is an inability to forgive oneself. Although in my example it was a minor thing to say that I was upset with myself for oversleeping, imagine with me what effect that type of thinking might have on my marriage, or yours, if either one of us were unable to let go of our past sins and mistakes. Especially those that relate to our failures to be a godly wife. Easily, this sort of bondage could make a wife want to quit trying and think to herself, "There's so much water under the bridge - what's the use?"
My solution to this, however, is to be a follower of Jesus Christ! Now, what do I mean by this, you might ask? Remember, in John chapter 8, the woman who had been caught in adultery? What was it that Jesus said to her? He said, "I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more." (Verse 11) Therefore, if we've been forgiven by God we must be like Jesus and follow His example. We should not "condemn" ourselves any longer and neither should we continue to beat ourselves up. And, like this woman, because we've been forgiven by God, we have only to do one thing - go and "sin no more." It's as simple as that. Jesus didn't tell her to do penance; neither did He tell her she might as well just give up. No! In compassion He told her to stop doing the sinful and offensive behavior.
Friend, it's the same with us. Are you feeling miserable, perhaps, over some sin that you now realize you'd been committing against your husband that may have led him to look to another woman? I know, I know - I've been there! I felt horrible about it too. I felt as if I must have been about the worst wife around. But I chose not to stay in that place! You don't have to either. Get up now - the Lord will give you strength and He'll help you in your desire to become what you should be as a wife. It's not too late - don't you believe that for a moment! Believe instead the Scripture, "...Our God will count you worthy of your calling, and fulfill every desire for goodness and the work of faith with power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus will be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12) He'll do great things in you yet, because in changing you into a godly wife, He'll be glorified!
The second thing about discouragement is the tendency toward irrational thoughts. These are a killer! There are two examples of them in my fictional scene: 1) Extremes and absolutes as seen in, "He never;" "Two kids who never (cooperate);" and "The dishwasher that is always (breaking)."
Dear sister, be very careful of this type of thinking. Better yet, eliminate it altogether. No one is always this, or never that. To think or say that they are is both counter-productive to resolution, as well as judgemental. Hypocritically judgmental; such as the type of judgement Jesus opposed in Luke 6:42, "Or how can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother's eye." And in principle we must remember, "For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you." (Matthew 7:2) You see, just as you or I would be offended if someone judged us as always or never doing something, we too need to refrain from such judgements.
Honestly, these sort of things, which are usually said during heated encounters, remind me of yet another Bible verse: "There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword." (Proverbs 12:18) So then, recognize these thoughts - which often lead to words "like the thrusts of a sword" - when they accompany discouragement. Instead take them captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5) because they are judgemental and in opposition to the truth.
2) The second type of irrational thoughts is unreasonable expectations and/or accusations. While in the story above these were both destructive; how much more so in the context of healing a marriage after adultery. In the case of expectations, we tend to focus on our perception of how things ought to be, and in essence replace godly wisdom with worldly wisdom. But consider these verses: "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9) Also, James 3:15,17 which says, "This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic...But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy."
Let me encourage you to consider that God may be doing something in your spouse that you can't see; therefore, your expectations may be way out of line with the Lord's purposes and timing. Let's go back and look at just two of the qualities of godly wisdom ("the wisdom from above"). It says it "peaceable" and "reasonable." These are completely opposite to our expectations which usually promote strife and/or resentment, and are, many times quite unreasonable.
Now, I doubt if I have to tell you how discouraging it would be to have such high standards for your spouse so that he never measures up. Ironically, though, that's what we often do. How much better it would be to pray and ask, "Lord, please examine my heart. Does this describe me? Do I have unrealistic expectations of my husband?"
Certainly, though, someone may wonder if in the case of our husband helping to heal the wounds he inflicted by his adultery, aren't we justified in having high expectations? Well, yes and no. I would say that your spouse, if he's serious about getting right with God, should be demonstrating it by his commitment to working on the marriage. But again, there is some danger on our part - for who are we to judge the degree, length of time, etc. to which he must do it? This one's hard - very hard; and we scream inside to have our way with it! In my case, I wanted my husband's repentance to look like "this," but you know what? It didn't. It never did. Therefore, I had a decision to make: Was I going to accept that and move on in my marriage? Or was I going to demand things be done my way and risk losing my husband altogether?
I finally decided that our marriage was being restored by JESUS, not by me, so I could let go of those expectations. I reasoned that Aaron belonged to God and chose to heed Paul's admonition to the Romans, "Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls; and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand. (Romans 14:4, emphasis mine)
Quickly, before I go on to the number three way of discouragement, let me say a word about the other type of irrational thinking - unfair accusations, which are tied to distrust. In recovering from an affair these are going to be natural. Let's face it, you will not gain back trust for a cheating husband overnight. But knowing this can be helpful. You can cut yourself a break by realizing you're not alone; this "dilemma," if you will, has been experienced by almost every betrayed spouse. Please know that it does take time - but that it also eventually gets better. There are steps you can take to help regain trust. For more insight into how to do this, please read my previous post on this subject entitled, Regaining Trust After the Affair.
Lastly, in connection to discouragement I need to talk about feelings. In my little scenario above, you might have noticed quite a few words pertaining to how I felt. For one, I was feeling very sorry for myself. Two, my feelings dictated my behavior. (Now I've stepped on some toes, haven't I?) Allowing myself to do these two things could certainly have been the cause for my ruined fictional day. Things sort of snowballed on account of my feelings. If that be the case then, I believe it's so important to keep our feelings in check while we're in the real battle against discouragement in our marriage restoration. The reason for that is that our feelings are neither accurate, nor trustworthy. They are shifting and constantly changing. Additionally, we are specifically told in God's Word not to walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. (Romans 8:4)
If we can't trust our feelings, what can we trust? The only thing we can reliably put our trust in is the Lord Jesus Christ. He is steadfast and never changes! (Hebrews 13:8) Dear friend, I encourage you to cast all your cares - your feelings, your anxieties - on Him, because He cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7) Armed with the knowledge of His care, you will be able to stand firm and do what's right, rather than being compelled to "obey" your feelings.
In addition to casting your cares on Him, purpose to "Watch over your heart with all diligence," knowing that, "from it flow the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23) All the while recognizing that Satan is conspiring against your marriage with the fiery dart of discouragement. You will need to be on special alert during times when you are physically and emotionally worn out; as well as times when you're unable to spend as much time with the Lord as you would like. Did you notice that in my little scenario both of these things were factors? Try and get adequate rest, therefore, and make Bible study and prayer your number one priority. Finally, know that Satan tries to get you discouraged in many ways, but three key ways we've discovered are through: 1) The inability to let go of our own past mistakes... 2) Irrational thoughts... and 3) Our feelings.
This has been a long post - sorry about that! I have such a heart to help someone who may be struggling with these things that sometimes I just get carried away. I would love to hear from any of you, and as always you may reach me privately by email: titus2homemaker@gmail.com. May we all seek God and hunger to know Him more and more this week!
Let's explore discouragement, as it relates to marriage restoration, a little then. What does it "look like?" One helpful way to discover the answer is to examine our heart when considering this question. What I mean is to note the kinds of thoughts that go through our head when we're struggling with discouragement through the events of an ordinary day. This, I believe, will give us pretty good insight into what tendency we have in not only allowing them to enter our minds, but also in entertaining them.
To demonstrate, I'll give you a fictional scene from my everyday life. Then, I'll pick apart what my thoughts were to see if the same kind of thoughts and feelings have occurred when dealing with the state of my marriage. I believe this will give us a picture of what kinds of thoughts comprise discouragement, and what to watch out for. (Please note! The story below is completely made up - and perhaps a bit comical. I praise God that I don't have too many days where my thoughts run away like that anymore. However, it's worth telling you that before I came to recognize the following schemes of the devil, and the bent of my own carnal nature, I had many such days.)
Here's the scenario: To begin, on this particular day, I overslept and felt upset with myself for doing it. Because I was running late I had to skip devotions which I just hate to do because I never feel right when I miss them! Then, when I came into the kitchen I stepped on something wet - and slimy. Yuck! One of the cats threw up all over my new kitchen rug! (Did I mention that it was new?!) Just then something occurred to me. I thought to myself, "Wasn't Aaron just here a minute ago?! He must have seen it! Why didn't he clean it up?!" Now I was hurt and mad, with cat throw-up all over the bottom of my slipper. "He doesn't care about me! He never cares about anyone but himself! You know, come to think of it - why didn't he wake me up? He knew I wanted to get up by six o'clock." Storming to the bathroom where he was, I demanded an answer to these questions. I ended up having a fight with him.
Ten hours later - after two kids, who never cooperate, gave me a hard time during home school and the dishwasher broke (it seems like that thing is always breaking and, of course, the repairman can't come until next week!), I was tired and just wanted to sit down. But, my luck, I had a mountain of laundry to fold and supper to start. Because I was just so exhausted I thought I'd make something simple, maybe some pancakes. When I went to the pantry I about blew a gasket! "Who used up all the flour?! How can I make pancakes without any flour?!" In frustration I looked around and thought to myself, "Calgon take me away!" (If you grew up in the seventies there's a good chance you remember that commercial.) Finally, I shuffled into the living room, plopped myself on the couch, and cried out to no one in particular, "I give up! I can't do this anymore!"
Now, that was kind of silly. Not too far out there, though, that we can't analyze a few things about the way discouragement takes shape. The first thing we see is an inability to forgive oneself. Although in my example it was a minor thing to say that I was upset with myself for oversleeping, imagine with me what effect that type of thinking might have on my marriage, or yours, if either one of us were unable to let go of our past sins and mistakes. Especially those that relate to our failures to be a godly wife. Easily, this sort of bondage could make a wife want to quit trying and think to herself, "There's so much water under the bridge - what's the use?"
My solution to this, however, is to be a follower of Jesus Christ! Now, what do I mean by this, you might ask? Remember, in John chapter 8, the woman who had been caught in adultery? What was it that Jesus said to her? He said, "I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more." (Verse 11) Therefore, if we've been forgiven by God we must be like Jesus and follow His example. We should not "condemn" ourselves any longer and neither should we continue to beat ourselves up. And, like this woman, because we've been forgiven by God, we have only to do one thing - go and "sin no more." It's as simple as that. Jesus didn't tell her to do penance; neither did He tell her she might as well just give up. No! In compassion He told her to stop doing the sinful and offensive behavior.
Friend, it's the same with us. Are you feeling miserable, perhaps, over some sin that you now realize you'd been committing against your husband that may have led him to look to another woman? I know, I know - I've been there! I felt horrible about it too. I felt as if I must have been about the worst wife around. But I chose not to stay in that place! You don't have to either. Get up now - the Lord will give you strength and He'll help you in your desire to become what you should be as a wife. It's not too late - don't you believe that for a moment! Believe instead the Scripture, "...Our God will count you worthy of your calling, and fulfill every desire for goodness and the work of faith with power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus will be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12) He'll do great things in you yet, because in changing you into a godly wife, He'll be glorified!
The second thing about discouragement is the tendency toward irrational thoughts. These are a killer! There are two examples of them in my fictional scene: 1) Extremes and absolutes as seen in, "He never;" "Two kids who never (cooperate);" and "The dishwasher that is always (breaking)."
Dear sister, be very careful of this type of thinking. Better yet, eliminate it altogether. No one is always this, or never that. To think or say that they are is both counter-productive to resolution, as well as judgemental. Hypocritically judgmental; such as the type of judgement Jesus opposed in Luke 6:42, "Or how can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother's eye." And in principle we must remember, "For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you." (Matthew 7:2) You see, just as you or I would be offended if someone judged us as always or never doing something, we too need to refrain from such judgements.
Honestly, these sort of things, which are usually said during heated encounters, remind me of yet another Bible verse: "There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword." (Proverbs 12:18) So then, recognize these thoughts - which often lead to words "like the thrusts of a sword" - when they accompany discouragement. Instead take them captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5) because they are judgemental and in opposition to the truth.
2) The second type of irrational thoughts is unreasonable expectations and/or accusations. While in the story above these were both destructive; how much more so in the context of healing a marriage after adultery. In the case of expectations, we tend to focus on our perception of how things ought to be, and in essence replace godly wisdom with worldly wisdom. But consider these verses: "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9) Also, James 3:15,17 which says, "This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic...But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy."
Let me encourage you to consider that God may be doing something in your spouse that you can't see; therefore, your expectations may be way out of line with the Lord's purposes and timing. Let's go back and look at just two of the qualities of godly wisdom ("the wisdom from above"). It says it "peaceable" and "reasonable." These are completely opposite to our expectations which usually promote strife and/or resentment, and are, many times quite unreasonable.
Now, I doubt if I have to tell you how discouraging it would be to have such high standards for your spouse so that he never measures up. Ironically, though, that's what we often do. How much better it would be to pray and ask, "Lord, please examine my heart. Does this describe me? Do I have unrealistic expectations of my husband?"
Certainly, though, someone may wonder if in the case of our husband helping to heal the wounds he inflicted by his adultery, aren't we justified in having high expectations? Well, yes and no. I would say that your spouse, if he's serious about getting right with God, should be demonstrating it by his commitment to working on the marriage. But again, there is some danger on our part - for who are we to judge the degree, length of time, etc. to which he must do it? This one's hard - very hard; and we scream inside to have our way with it! In my case, I wanted my husband's repentance to look like "this," but you know what? It didn't. It never did. Therefore, I had a decision to make: Was I going to accept that and move on in my marriage? Or was I going to demand things be done my way and risk losing my husband altogether?
I finally decided that our marriage was being restored by JESUS, not by me, so I could let go of those expectations. I reasoned that Aaron belonged to God and chose to heed Paul's admonition to the Romans, "Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls; and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand. (Romans 14:4, emphasis mine)
Quickly, before I go on to the number three way of discouragement, let me say a word about the other type of irrational thinking - unfair accusations, which are tied to distrust. In recovering from an affair these are going to be natural. Let's face it, you will not gain back trust for a cheating husband overnight. But knowing this can be helpful. You can cut yourself a break by realizing you're not alone; this "dilemma," if you will, has been experienced by almost every betrayed spouse. Please know that it does take time - but that it also eventually gets better. There are steps you can take to help regain trust. For more insight into how to do this, please read my previous post on this subject entitled, Regaining Trust After the Affair.
Lastly, in connection to discouragement I need to talk about feelings. In my little scenario above, you might have noticed quite a few words pertaining to how I felt. For one, I was feeling very sorry for myself. Two, my feelings dictated my behavior. (Now I've stepped on some toes, haven't I?) Allowing myself to do these two things could certainly have been the cause for my ruined fictional day. Things sort of snowballed on account of my feelings. If that be the case then, I believe it's so important to keep our feelings in check while we're in the real battle against discouragement in our marriage restoration. The reason for that is that our feelings are neither accurate, nor trustworthy. They are shifting and constantly changing. Additionally, we are specifically told in God's Word not to walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. (Romans 8:4)
If we can't trust our feelings, what can we trust? The only thing we can reliably put our trust in is the Lord Jesus Christ. He is steadfast and never changes! (Hebrews 13:8) Dear friend, I encourage you to cast all your cares - your feelings, your anxieties - on Him, because He cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7) Armed with the knowledge of His care, you will be able to stand firm and do what's right, rather than being compelled to "obey" your feelings.
In addition to casting your cares on Him, purpose to "Watch over your heart with all diligence," knowing that, "from it flow the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23) All the while recognizing that Satan is conspiring against your marriage with the fiery dart of discouragement. You will need to be on special alert during times when you are physically and emotionally worn out; as well as times when you're unable to spend as much time with the Lord as you would like. Did you notice that in my little scenario both of these things were factors? Try and get adequate rest, therefore, and make Bible study and prayer your number one priority. Finally, know that Satan tries to get you discouraged in many ways, but three key ways we've discovered are through: 1) The inability to let go of our own past mistakes... 2) Irrational thoughts... and 3) Our feelings.
This has been a long post - sorry about that! I have such a heart to help someone who may be struggling with these things that sometimes I just get carried away. I would love to hear from any of you, and as always you may reach me privately by email: titus2homemaker@gmail.com. May we all seek God and hunger to know Him more and more this week!
No comments:
Post a Comment