Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Healing Your Marriage Through Forgiveness: Part 1
"For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment." James 2:13
I have to admit - writing these posts on forgiveness isn't easy. More specifically, the last week has forced me to do some real self-examination. Have I truly forgiven? Am I really free? As I go along then, I hope this series will be an opportunity to re-discover with you some of the principles of forgiveness I've learned, and see whether I'm still walking in them. I do know one thing for sure: overcoming unforgiveness is my choice because God's grace is always sufficient. I can either believe that in His death and resurrection He delivered me from not only the penalty of sin, but also the power of sin; or I can doubt and suffer defeat. Either way, I decide. Believing, and thereby choosing victory in this battle with unforgiveness, is also going to give my marriage the best shot. And I'd be willing to bet that since you're reading this, you want to give your marriage a chance too. Join with me then in hearing the heart of our Father, won't you?
The first thing I feel I need to share with you right now is that you're not alone. You are not alone if you struggle with unforgiveness; particularly if you're moving through the stages that follow marital unfaithfulness. Satan, our enemy, is a master at making you and me feel like we're the only one. His desire is to keep us from being real with others and able to receive the encouragement we need. But if we confess our struggle with unforgiveness to other godly women, it allows them to pray and share wise counsel with us. This was certainly true in my case. It wasn't until God miraculously brought the woman I told you about into my life that I was able to open up. I had felt ashamed of myself; too embarrassed to admit to anyone I was unforgiving. Talking and praying with her literally changed the course of my life, and I was finally able to begin moving forward in forgiveness.
Say, however, Satan is unable to convince you that you're the only one who can't seem to forgive. He may try another tactic. Instead, he may try to get you to believe that your thoughts, feelings, and issues are far worse or "more sinful" than most. That too, is a lie. That's why I want to reassure you that my negative feelings, perhaps like some you're experiencing, were extremely strong toward the other woman.
Okay, so it's time for total transparency: One thing I did was continuously refer to this woman, not by her name, but by the Biblical name "Jezebel." It was Jezebel who led the nation of Israel spiritually astray (1 Kings 16:31; 18:18; Rev. 2:20), and it seemed to me that this woman was also a Jezebel for leading my husband astray. Because of my near-constant anger toward her, I resorted to name-calling. If that were not enough, I'm ashamed to say that I also shouted vulgar things at my husband like, "If she would have just kept her slutty mouth shut we wouldn't be in this boat!"
There was other really ugly stuff, but you get the idea. Now, while I did need to repent of behavior that is not Christ-like, I also know that I sinned because I am not yet perfect. Someday Jesus will complete the work begun in (me). Until then I'll submit to God by believing His Word which says that "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9) Furthermore, I'll also resist the lies of the enemy designed to make me feel isolated, or like I'm the only one. My hope is that you will be encouraged to do the same. So without further ado, let's move on to understanding what forgiveness is, and how we can begin taking steps to healing.
While I don't agree with everything that Focus on the Family publishes, one definition for forgiveness that really helped me define my ultimate goal was from an article by Ed Chinn. In essence, his definition was "Giving up all hope for a better past." That was just it! There was my "sticking point." As I read it over I recognized that I was still wishing that things could have been different; that the affair had never happened. I hadn't yet accepted that it had happened.
Sadly, you and I cannot change the past no matter how much we'd like to. However, for me, working towards acceptance - a concrete goal - was tremendously helpful as I simultaneously continued to apply God's Word to my situation. The article, entitled Walking in Forgiveness, is on the Focus website and may be helpful to you. I recommend it even though there are a couple minor things I disagree with.
Having a useful definition for forgiveness can certainly aid us; but it's infinitely more important to study Scripture and shed the light of God's perspective on it. So like I did in the last post, I will go through five things that seem to sum up the Bible's teaching on the issue of forgiveness. Along the way I'll share some personal insights and ways you can apply His Word to your life. However, since I'm already getting long-winded, I think I'll have to break it up into two parts!
Forgiveness is God's will: I'm sure this is not a new revelation to you. But look with me if you will at a familiar verse. In Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus says, “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions." Interestingly He says this just after giving His disciples the model prayer; as if the Lord was reiterating a point He didn't want them to miss - forgive your enemies. He wanted them to understand that none of the other petitions in the prayer would mean anything if they did not forgive others. So it is with us; we short-circuit our spiritual life and our effectiveness in the kingdom when we harbor unforgiveness.
Just knowing this spurred me on to plead with God to help me. I didn't want to be disobedient, but I also knew how weak I was in the flesh. As I said in my last post, this is an area God can be glorified by our dependence on Him. "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me," the apostle Paul tells us in Philippians 4:13. I love what Matthew Henry's classic commentary says regarding this verse: "In a low state (we do not) lose our comfort in God, nor distrust His providence... Through Christ we have grace to do what is good, and through Him we must expect the reward." Do you believe that? I promise you - He will give you grace when you humbly seek Him. "But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble." (James 4:6) And He will also give you the reward of that - being enabled to forgive the one who offended you.
I do have a suggestion here. One spiritual discipline that will help you humble yourself before the Lord is to practice fasting. I hate to admit it, but prior to last summer fasting wasn't real high on my to-do list! I never really saw the necessity of it. But when faced with giants in my life, including adultery and unforgiveness, fasting became a way of truly clinging to God. It freed up precious time so that I could be in prayer longer; while at the same time helping me to deny the flesh and focus on the Spirit. "For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace." (Romans 8:6) If you've never fasted before, try doing it at just one meal - like breakfast - and soon I think you'll discover the wonderful benefits of it.
Hmm, I'm looking at the time and getting tired. It's past my bedtime. I would love to write more tonight but I think it'll have to wait. Please stay tuned for more though, won't you? Next time we'll cover the other four points and continue on our journey together.
Thanks for being here. I want you to know again that I'm praying for each and every one that visits Oil of His Grace. Keep looking to Jesus!
Father, please help each one reading this blog to fix their eyes on Jesus. I praise and thank You that according to Your Word in Isaiah 26:3 "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you."
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Dealing with Unforgiveness First
A strange thing happened to me last night. I was sound asleep about 3:00 a.m. when I woke up and couldn't stop thinking about this blog - and, in particular, my last post. Although I was a little foggy-headed, I suddenly realized that I needed to address the issue of forgiveness, before I could move on to standing and praying. Maybe I'm jumping ahead of myself a bit, but one wise writer wrote, "If you do not (forgive), your marriage WILL NEVER BE COMPLETELY HEALED." (Emphasis hers) That's why in my next couple posts I'm going to look at Scripture with you and glean what we can about this vital topic. I'll tell you from the outset that there is no easy pill you can take to "make you forgive" or even enable you to forgive: but let me encourage you with what God says in Zechariah 4:6, "This is the word of the LORD... saying, 'Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit'." Trust me, though it might not seem like it to you right now if you're struggling with this issue - By His Spirit, God will empower you to forgive. The process won't be easy, but He'll be faithful to do it in you. "His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence." (2 Peter 1:3)
When it comes to dealing with unforgiveness, I could probably write a book on this topic alone! Not that I'm an expert - I'm not - but I wallowed in the mud with unforgiveness so much after Aaron's affair that it took God using some amazing circumstances to get my attention. For me the struggle wasn't with forgiving my husband - it was with the "other woman." I couldn't get past what she had done to me. While we certainly weren't good friends, we were acquainted with each other, living in the same small community. In fact, she previously had worked at a place of business I frequented and I was always friendly toward her whenever I saw her there.
However, last April when my husband stopped in to pay a bill at her new place of employment, it was as if she was "ready" for him with her coquettish smiles, compliments, and flattering words. He told me later that he was totally taken by surprise. He felt like the whole thing was planned. Even her co-worker sat there looking shocked by her "come-on." Seeing that this woman had a bad reputation, I felt enraged toward her for thinking she had a "right" to come-on to my Christian husband! Weren't there enough beer-drinking, rowdy men at the bars she hung out at to satisfy her, or what?!? On and on my angry, dark thoughts went. For months. Until God sent a most unlikely person into my life to warn me that if I didn't forgive (she actually had no idea about what was going on!), my marriage would end. While I won't go into the miraculous details of that, suffice it to say that after this event happened, I did all I could, with God's help, to work through this issue.
In this post then I'll first share with you some things forgiveness is NOT. In the second one, (Lord willing!) I'll get into what IT IS, what I learned about God through it all, and some steps you can take to let go of the past. Ready? Let's dive in and look at some things forgiveness is NOT:
Forgiveness is NOT a feeling: One thing I've come to realize is that many people equate forgiveness with a feeling. Somehow we've come to believe that we have to feel it before we can forgive. We will get into this more later, but rather than a feeling, forgiveness is a choice - a conscious decision of the will. However, at the same time - it also is NOT burying the emotions you feel in connection to the offense; those are a part of who you are and you cannot help but feel them when you've been wronged. Neil Anderson, in his book Victory Over the Darkness: Realizing the Power of Your Identity in Christ
puts it this way, "Remember: it is not a sin to acknowledge the reality of your emotions. God knows exactly how you feel, whether you admit it or not. If you bury your feelings, you will bypass the possibility of forgiveness."
Forgiveness is NOT something you "can't do": Sure, if it were all up to you or me we might be able to say that! For awhile I actually thought this - that I couldn't forgive. I'd try and try, only to "fail" again and again. So I'd kick myself as I despaired of ever being able to do it. Unaware, I was falling into the first trap I mentioned above: thinking that I had to "feel" forgiving. But we serve an awesome and mighty God! Now listen to this. We already know some of the things forgiveness is, don't we? For one thing, as Bible-believing Christians we know that it's God's will. He makes no bones about that (just read Matthew 6:15). But it's worth repeating an old saying here: What God calls you to do, He'll equip you to do. If He wants you to forgive your husband, the other woman, or whomever (and He does), He will enable you to do it. Look at Hebrews 13:21 with me. It promises He will "Equip you in every good thing to do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever. Amen." While yet another great verse to meditate on and incorporate into your prayers as you ask God to help you is Philippians 2:13: "For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."
Dear Father, I thank you that You are at work in me. Please work in me now to will and to work for Your good pleasure by providing me the grace I need to forgive___________."
Forgiveness is NOT being a doormat, or a sign of weakness: On the contrary - it's a sign of a person who has been filled with God's strength because they've cried out, "(Your) strength is made perfect in (my) weakness!" (2 Corinthians 12:9) Also, consider this: would Jesus have asked God to become weak? "Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34) No! Rather, it's in God's character to be forgiving. Listen to this description of God in Numbers 14:18, "The LORD is slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness, forgiving iniquity and transgression." And there are so many more verses like it! Now, since you have been "grafted in" and have become a partaker of the divine nature (2 Peter 1:4), it's also in your character - in your new nature - to be forgiving.
Forgiveness is NOT letting that person "off the hook": Again, as I said above about it not being a feeling, this area will be one to examine in greater detail when we discuss what forgiveness is. Let me just say here that we are ALL sinners. Someday we will all stand before the throne and be judged. That person who deeply offended you will be there too. Can't you trust that God will deal with that person and their sins better than you? I'm not saying that you should want them to "pay for eternity" for what they did to you; what I am saying is that you can choose to let go and instead do what Scripture tells us in 1 Peter 4:19, "Therefore, those also who suffer according to the will of God shall entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right."
Forgiveness is NOT forgetting: For an excellent explanation of this I'll turn to "Victory Over the Darkness" again. On page 191 he says, "Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgetting may be a long-term by-product of forgiving, but it is never a means to forgiveness. When God says He will remember our sins no more (see Heb. 10:17), He is not saying "I will forget them." God is omniscient; He cannot forget. Rather, He will never use the past against us. He will remove it as far from us as the 'east is from the west' (Ps. 103:12)."
Finally, I feel I should once again tell you that if you wish you may contact me confidentially by emailing me at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. I also encourage comments here. Maybe you can add some insights into forgiveness! I'd love to hear your experiences, verses of Scripture, or anything else you might like to share.
Next time we'll dig into what forgiveness is, and hopefully discover some ways to help those of you who feel "stuck." Be encouraged that God is with you right now because He promises to never leave you nor forsake you. Blessings!
When it comes to dealing with unforgiveness, I could probably write a book on this topic alone! Not that I'm an expert - I'm not - but I wallowed in the mud with unforgiveness so much after Aaron's affair that it took God using some amazing circumstances to get my attention. For me the struggle wasn't with forgiving my husband - it was with the "other woman." I couldn't get past what she had done to me. While we certainly weren't good friends, we were acquainted with each other, living in the same small community. In fact, she previously had worked at a place of business I frequented and I was always friendly toward her whenever I saw her there.
However, last April when my husband stopped in to pay a bill at her new place of employment, it was as if she was "ready" for him with her coquettish smiles, compliments, and flattering words. He told me later that he was totally taken by surprise. He felt like the whole thing was planned. Even her co-worker sat there looking shocked by her "come-on." Seeing that this woman had a bad reputation, I felt enraged toward her for thinking she had a "right" to come-on to my Christian husband! Weren't there enough beer-drinking, rowdy men at the bars she hung out at to satisfy her, or what?!? On and on my angry, dark thoughts went. For months. Until God sent a most unlikely person into my life to warn me that if I didn't forgive (she actually had no idea about what was going on!), my marriage would end. While I won't go into the miraculous details of that, suffice it to say that after this event happened, I did all I could, with God's help, to work through this issue.
In this post then I'll first share with you some things forgiveness is NOT. In the second one, (Lord willing!) I'll get into what IT IS, what I learned about God through it all, and some steps you can take to let go of the past. Ready? Let's dive in and look at some things forgiveness is NOT:
Forgiveness is NOT a feeling: One thing I've come to realize is that many people equate forgiveness with a feeling. Somehow we've come to believe that we have to feel it before we can forgive. We will get into this more later, but rather than a feeling, forgiveness is a choice - a conscious decision of the will. However, at the same time - it also is NOT burying the emotions you feel in connection to the offense; those are a part of who you are and you cannot help but feel them when you've been wronged. Neil Anderson, in his book Victory Over the Darkness: Realizing the Power of Your Identity in Christ
puts it this way, "Remember: it is not a sin to acknowledge the reality of your emotions. God knows exactly how you feel, whether you admit it or not. If you bury your feelings, you will bypass the possibility of forgiveness." Forgiveness is NOT something you "can't do": Sure, if it were all up to you or me we might be able to say that! For awhile I actually thought this - that I couldn't forgive. I'd try and try, only to "fail" again and again. So I'd kick myself as I despaired of ever being able to do it. Unaware, I was falling into the first trap I mentioned above: thinking that I had to "feel" forgiving. But we serve an awesome and mighty God! Now listen to this. We already know some of the things forgiveness is, don't we? For one thing, as Bible-believing Christians we know that it's God's will. He makes no bones about that (just read Matthew 6:15). But it's worth repeating an old saying here: What God calls you to do, He'll equip you to do. If He wants you to forgive your husband, the other woman, or whomever (and He does), He will enable you to do it. Look at Hebrews 13:21 with me. It promises He will "Equip you in every good thing to do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever. Amen." While yet another great verse to meditate on and incorporate into your prayers as you ask God to help you is Philippians 2:13: "For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."
Dear Father, I thank you that You are at work in me. Please work in me now to will and to work for Your good pleasure by providing me the grace I need to forgive___________."
Forgiveness is NOT being a doormat, or a sign of weakness: On the contrary - it's a sign of a person who has been filled with God's strength because they've cried out, "(Your) strength is made perfect in (my) weakness!" (2 Corinthians 12:9) Also, consider this: would Jesus have asked God to become weak? "Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34) No! Rather, it's in God's character to be forgiving. Listen to this description of God in Numbers 14:18, "The LORD is slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness, forgiving iniquity and transgression." And there are so many more verses like it! Now, since you have been "grafted in" and have become a partaker of the divine nature (2 Peter 1:4), it's also in your character - in your new nature - to be forgiving.
Forgiveness is NOT letting that person "off the hook": Again, as I said above about it not being a feeling, this area will be one to examine in greater detail when we discuss what forgiveness is. Let me just say here that we are ALL sinners. Someday we will all stand before the throne and be judged. That person who deeply offended you will be there too. Can't you trust that God will deal with that person and their sins better than you? I'm not saying that you should want them to "pay for eternity" for what they did to you; what I am saying is that you can choose to let go and instead do what Scripture tells us in 1 Peter 4:19, "Therefore, those also who suffer according to the will of God shall entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right."
Forgiveness is NOT forgetting: For an excellent explanation of this I'll turn to "Victory Over the Darkness" again. On page 191 he says, "Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgetting may be a long-term by-product of forgiving, but it is never a means to forgiveness. When God says He will remember our sins no more (see Heb. 10:17), He is not saying "I will forget them." God is omniscient; He cannot forget. Rather, He will never use the past against us. He will remove it as far from us as the 'east is from the west' (Ps. 103:12)."
Finally, I feel I should once again tell you that if you wish you may contact me confidentially by emailing me at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. I also encourage comments here. Maybe you can add some insights into forgiveness! I'd love to hear your experiences, verses of Scripture, or anything else you might like to share.
Next time we'll dig into what forgiveness is, and hopefully discover some ways to help those of you who feel "stuck." Be encouraged that God is with you right now because He promises to never leave you nor forsake you. Blessings!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Take a Stand for Your Marriage: God is On Your Side!
Sorry about not posting for a couple weeks now! We went on a little family trip and then came back home to begin another year of homeschooling. I've been busy but thinking all the while that I need to get this post written! Thanks for your patience.
Anyway, in my first post regarding my husband's affair, I told you about how I learned that God never changes. That truth is so fundamental to whatever anyone may be going through, that it cannot be overstated. Meditate long and hard on His faithfulness and your spirit will soon be lifted up over your circumstances. "Trust in the LORD and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness." (Psalm 37:3) Interestingly, in the margin of my Bible, it says that the phrase "cultivate faithfulness" can be literally translated, "Feed on His faithfulness." Although I'm not familiar with the American Standard Version and know nothing about its accuracy, it actually does render that verse, "Trust in Jehovah, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness." Oh that we would get a hold of that! How wonderful to know that when we have no strength, when bitter trials and hurt seem to be our "food" - we can choose to feed on His faithfulness, which is always sweet!
In this article today I want to share some more good news with you. I'll tell you more of my story and hopefully give you some hope. As I stated before, when my husband, Aaron, started talking and acting in ways that were contrary to the Bible and to the lifestyle we were accustomed to living, I was alarmed. A deep fear and dread arose in me that I literally felt in the pit of my stomach. For about a week prior to having my suspicions confirmed, I was so sick-feeling that I could barely eat. Then one evening in June of last year, with both children gone to either a friend's house or work, I asked him, "Just where are you getting all this stuff?!?" Silence ensued for a moment. To me it felt like eternity while my heart beat loudly in my ears. Then he stopped eating, looked at me with what I can only describe as a wicked smile and said, "Do you really want to know?" Fear creeping over me, I managed a weak, "Yes."
However, now he hesitated and acted as if he wasn't sure if he wanted to tell me or not. In fact, he skirted around the issue the rest of the evening until I was so weary that I went to bed in despair - convinced that the issue was what I dreaded most. The next morning, while he was getting ready for work, I slipped into the bathroom to talk to him. That's when he finally told me that he had a "friend" he'd been talking to since April 27 (he knew the exact date!). He said she was opening his eyes to a whole new way of looking at things. Struggling to hold back the tears I asked if they got together to talk. He said they had gotten together once, but since we live in a small town, they had decided to just talk by cell phone and email. This certainly explained why he was going to the library all the time! I then told him that this was unacceptable to me but he replied that he had no intention of quitting. In fact, he said, he also was not going to tell me who she was because he didn't want me "causing a scene with her." I was so outraged and hurt. I now felt like I had been kicked in the stomach!
I crawled back in bed, not knowing what to do but feeling like nothing else in the world mattered. My anxious thoughts tumbled around in my mind, but the one I couldn't escape from was, "At the very least, my husband is having an emotional affair!" I had asked him if he'd been physical with her, but he denied it. This was no comfort, however, since I didn't feel I could trust a single word that came out of his mouth. In fact, I was sure he was down-playing it. What followed was a tearful morning of phone calls to our pastor and his wife Kathy, another close friend, and my mother.
I agreed to get together with Kathy later that day. In the meantime, with Aaron gone to work, I grabbed my Bible and turned to the Psalms - pleading with the Lord for a word of comfort from Him. God is so good! In response, He clearly led me to the Psalm 27. I was especially touched by verse 10, "For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me up." I substituted "husband" for "father" and "mother" and felt confident that God had indeed taken me up. He was holding me close, comforting me the way a father holds his daughter who has scraped her knee, or who has endured careless or hurtful words flung at her. In that beautiful moment God was just beginning to teach me how to trust Him in ways that I never had to before.
While I was spending time with the Lord that morning, my friend Rachel called. I shared with her what was going on and read Psalm 27 to her. Afterward she encouraged me to write it down in a journal, along with the date. While I had always kept a prayer journal, it was sort of "generic" - just one or two lines describing a prayer request. However, after that day I've kept her advice and my journal has become a personal memoir, an outpouring of my heart - pain and anguish, as well as incredible praise and answered prayer. If you're reading this because you're facing adultery, let me encourage you to also begin journaling. I think you will find it tremendously helpful.
A few heart-breaking weeks passed. The whole family was now involved. My husband's parents, as well as his sister, had all tried to talk him out of his sinful behavior. Instead of repenting, he actually told them that this new woman was pushing him for divorce and he was wondering if they would accept her into the family. Additionally, our pastor also had many talks with him. Nothing anyone said made any difference. He acted as a man addicted to a powerful "drug"; he would stop at nothing to have it. Sadly, although he had previously been very close with our daughter, he even told me during this time that he was "losing interest in her." Unfathomable! But that's what adultery, or any sin does. "Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." (James 1:15) Our family, our marriage - his relationships, his spiritual life, were dying a slow, painful death.
I wish I could go on but space and time constrain me. I'd love to tell you more so I could paint the full picture of just how bad it really got: Horrible betrayal of our son - with my grief-filled reaction being that I slapped my husband across the face for the first (and only) time in our marriage history, secret calls to divorce lawyers, many nights sleeping alone on the couch, spying on my husband and discovering who the other woman was, venomous words thrown in my face, and incredible lying and deceiving. Add to this that in two months' time, during which I completely lost my appetite, I shed 28 pounds from my small frame.
I said a moment ago that I wish I could tell you more of the details to demonstrate how desperate things became. That's because then I could show you even more just how BIG GOD IS. Oh how I praise Him for that! For me the turning point in the crisis came on a morning when I had already been up since before dawn praying and pleading with God. While I was praying the Lord kept bringing to my mind a picture of the book "Created to be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl sitting in the pile on my nightstand. I hadn't picked it up in over a year. I didn't want to now either! "Lord, I know what THAT book says," I prayed inwardly. "That's not going to help - it doesn't apply to me," I continued to reason. My argument made sense - to me anyway - since Debi Pearl means it when she writes that wives are to be helpmeets - period. Even to mean, unkind husbands. Despite what pop culture or anyone else may say, the sins of our men are not an excuse for us to neglect our God-given calling and duty as wives.
So as I sat there I grew frustrated and confused. Not a lot of people knew about our situation, but some well-meaning Christian friends told me that, at the very least, I should separate from Aaron. One couple even offered the children and me an apartment in their basement. Of course, that was a horribly depressing option and the thought of uprooting my kids tore me apart. I had even asked him to leave but he wouldn't do that either. I searched the Scriptures looking for verses to justify what I really wanted to do, but was afraid to - divorce him. After all, what choice did I really have? He kept on with her and I had had enough! I was humiliated. But on this particular morning I was tired. Not just physically tired, but emotionally and spiritually tired too.
"Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." (Psalm 46:10)
"Could God be speaking to me?" I wondered. He really seemed to be impressing on my heart that I needed to pick up that book. I went and grabbed it. When I held it on my lap it fell open to a letter the author had entitled "The Desperate Wife." Immediately it caught my attention. In the short letter to Mrs. Pearl, the woman detailed her husband's emotional affair and gave a heart-wrenching plea for wisdom. In many ways it could have been me who wrote it. Tears fell on the book as I began to sob and read Debi Pearl's beautiful, four-page response. In essence she told her to get off her self-righteous high horse and fight for her man. The words that literally jumped off the page for me were, "God is on your side. Fight and win." And a little further down where she stated, "God stands with you when you stand by your man, but you will stand alone if you insist on standing by your rights." A revelation came to me. God is on MY side! Not the other woman's. He's going to honor me and fight for me because He is for our marriage. "For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the LORD of hosts. "So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously." (Malachi 2:16)
Peace literally flooded over me. Now, after days and weeks of striving, agonizing over what to do, flip-flopping between this idea and that, I finally knew just what the Lord wanted me to do. "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4) Wasn't saving my marriage and restoring it what I really wanted?
I called one of my dearest friends, who was also my best prayer partner. When I told her what God had shown me she said that it was exactly what she had been thinking too. She rejoiced with me and pledged her support. In the months that followed I leaned on her an awful lot! The going did get pretty tough at times. But I kept my eyes on the Lord and didn't trust my own feelings - instead I chose to trust what the Word of God said. I also clung to the belief that Aaron and I were going to experience complete restoration.
An integral key to survival and fully experiencing God's grace during this time was that I continued to seek Him 2-3 hours daily. Part of that was taking a crash course in prayer! I read and practiced the things I learned in the classic book, With Christ in the School of Prayer: A 31-Day Course in Christian Prayer, with Note on George Muller
. In my next post I plan to highlight some of those things for you and give you practical ways to begin praying and taking a stand for your marriage.
One challenge I had was learning to love my husband unconditionally. It was hard. I won't lie to you. It stretched me in ways I never had been before. Most days I had to remind myself that Christ's glory was central. Did I care more about my comfort, or bringing honor to Jesus? As for Aaron, he was pretty surprised when I began to repay him good for evil. "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21, emphasis mine) Did you catch that? Do you want the current evil in your life to be stopped dead in its tracks? Overcome it with good! The only way I made it was to rely on God's strength and refuse to allow Aaron's behavior to color mine. Finally, I held on to the promise, "And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not." (Galatians 6:9)
Bottom line is this: If you find yourself in similar circumstances, and want to save your marriage, BE THE ONE to start. Love unconditionally and begin to "stand in the gap." (Ezekiel 22:30) Don't wait for your husband to change or come to his senses because he may not without you winning him - "without a word." (1 Peter 3:1) Sincerely ask God to make you a "1 Peter 3 wife" and watch Him do it!
Anyway, in my first post regarding my husband's affair, I told you about how I learned that God never changes. That truth is so fundamental to whatever anyone may be going through, that it cannot be overstated. Meditate long and hard on His faithfulness and your spirit will soon be lifted up over your circumstances. "Trust in the LORD and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness." (Psalm 37:3) Interestingly, in the margin of my Bible, it says that the phrase "cultivate faithfulness" can be literally translated, "Feed on His faithfulness." Although I'm not familiar with the American Standard Version and know nothing about its accuracy, it actually does render that verse, "Trust in Jehovah, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness." Oh that we would get a hold of that! How wonderful to know that when we have no strength, when bitter trials and hurt seem to be our "food" - we can choose to feed on His faithfulness, which is always sweet!
In this article today I want to share some more good news with you. I'll tell you more of my story and hopefully give you some hope. As I stated before, when my husband, Aaron, started talking and acting in ways that were contrary to the Bible and to the lifestyle we were accustomed to living, I was alarmed. A deep fear and dread arose in me that I literally felt in the pit of my stomach. For about a week prior to having my suspicions confirmed, I was so sick-feeling that I could barely eat. Then one evening in June of last year, with both children gone to either a friend's house or work, I asked him, "Just where are you getting all this stuff?!?" Silence ensued for a moment. To me it felt like eternity while my heart beat loudly in my ears. Then he stopped eating, looked at me with what I can only describe as a wicked smile and said, "Do you really want to know?" Fear creeping over me, I managed a weak, "Yes."
However, now he hesitated and acted as if he wasn't sure if he wanted to tell me or not. In fact, he skirted around the issue the rest of the evening until I was so weary that I went to bed in despair - convinced that the issue was what I dreaded most. The next morning, while he was getting ready for work, I slipped into the bathroom to talk to him. That's when he finally told me that he had a "friend" he'd been talking to since April 27 (he knew the exact date!). He said she was opening his eyes to a whole new way of looking at things. Struggling to hold back the tears I asked if they got together to talk. He said they had gotten together once, but since we live in a small town, they had decided to just talk by cell phone and email. This certainly explained why he was going to the library all the time! I then told him that this was unacceptable to me but he replied that he had no intention of quitting. In fact, he said, he also was not going to tell me who she was because he didn't want me "causing a scene with her." I was so outraged and hurt. I now felt like I had been kicked in the stomach!
I crawled back in bed, not knowing what to do but feeling like nothing else in the world mattered. My anxious thoughts tumbled around in my mind, but the one I couldn't escape from was, "At the very least, my husband is having an emotional affair!" I had asked him if he'd been physical with her, but he denied it. This was no comfort, however, since I didn't feel I could trust a single word that came out of his mouth. In fact, I was sure he was down-playing it. What followed was a tearful morning of phone calls to our pastor and his wife Kathy, another close friend, and my mother.
I agreed to get together with Kathy later that day. In the meantime, with Aaron gone to work, I grabbed my Bible and turned to the Psalms - pleading with the Lord for a word of comfort from Him. God is so good! In response, He clearly led me to the Psalm 27. I was especially touched by verse 10, "For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me up." I substituted "husband" for "father" and "mother" and felt confident that God had indeed taken me up. He was holding me close, comforting me the way a father holds his daughter who has scraped her knee, or who has endured careless or hurtful words flung at her. In that beautiful moment God was just beginning to teach me how to trust Him in ways that I never had to before.
While I was spending time with the Lord that morning, my friend Rachel called. I shared with her what was going on and read Psalm 27 to her. Afterward she encouraged me to write it down in a journal, along with the date. While I had always kept a prayer journal, it was sort of "generic" - just one or two lines describing a prayer request. However, after that day I've kept her advice and my journal has become a personal memoir, an outpouring of my heart - pain and anguish, as well as incredible praise and answered prayer. If you're reading this because you're facing adultery, let me encourage you to also begin journaling. I think you will find it tremendously helpful.
A few heart-breaking weeks passed. The whole family was now involved. My husband's parents, as well as his sister, had all tried to talk him out of his sinful behavior. Instead of repenting, he actually told them that this new woman was pushing him for divorce and he was wondering if they would accept her into the family. Additionally, our pastor also had many talks with him. Nothing anyone said made any difference. He acted as a man addicted to a powerful "drug"; he would stop at nothing to have it. Sadly, although he had previously been very close with our daughter, he even told me during this time that he was "losing interest in her." Unfathomable! But that's what adultery, or any sin does. "Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." (James 1:15) Our family, our marriage - his relationships, his spiritual life, were dying a slow, painful death.
I wish I could go on but space and time constrain me. I'd love to tell you more so I could paint the full picture of just how bad it really got: Horrible betrayal of our son - with my grief-filled reaction being that I slapped my husband across the face for the first (and only) time in our marriage history, secret calls to divorce lawyers, many nights sleeping alone on the couch, spying on my husband and discovering who the other woman was, venomous words thrown in my face, and incredible lying and deceiving. Add to this that in two months' time, during which I completely lost my appetite, I shed 28 pounds from my small frame.
I said a moment ago that I wish I could tell you more of the details to demonstrate how desperate things became. That's because then I could show you even more just how BIG GOD IS. Oh how I praise Him for that! For me the turning point in the crisis came on a morning when I had already been up since before dawn praying and pleading with God. While I was praying the Lord kept bringing to my mind a picture of the book "Created to be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl sitting in the pile on my nightstand. I hadn't picked it up in over a year. I didn't want to now either! "Lord, I know what THAT book says," I prayed inwardly. "That's not going to help - it doesn't apply to me," I continued to reason. My argument made sense - to me anyway - since Debi Pearl means it when she writes that wives are to be helpmeets - period. Even to mean, unkind husbands. Despite what pop culture or anyone else may say, the sins of our men are not an excuse for us to neglect our God-given calling and duty as wives.
So as I sat there I grew frustrated and confused. Not a lot of people knew about our situation, but some well-meaning Christian friends told me that, at the very least, I should separate from Aaron. One couple even offered the children and me an apartment in their basement. Of course, that was a horribly depressing option and the thought of uprooting my kids tore me apart. I had even asked him to leave but he wouldn't do that either. I searched the Scriptures looking for verses to justify what I really wanted to do, but was afraid to - divorce him. After all, what choice did I really have? He kept on with her and I had had enough! I was humiliated. But on this particular morning I was tired. Not just physically tired, but emotionally and spiritually tired too.
"Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." (Psalm 46:10)
"Could God be speaking to me?" I wondered. He really seemed to be impressing on my heart that I needed to pick up that book. I went and grabbed it. When I held it on my lap it fell open to a letter the author had entitled "The Desperate Wife." Immediately it caught my attention. In the short letter to Mrs. Pearl, the woman detailed her husband's emotional affair and gave a heart-wrenching plea for wisdom. In many ways it could have been me who wrote it. Tears fell on the book as I began to sob and read Debi Pearl's beautiful, four-page response. In essence she told her to get off her self-righteous high horse and fight for her man. The words that literally jumped off the page for me were, "God is on your side. Fight and win." And a little further down where she stated, "God stands with you when you stand by your man, but you will stand alone if you insist on standing by your rights." A revelation came to me. God is on MY side! Not the other woman's. He's going to honor me and fight for me because He is for our marriage. "For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the LORD of hosts. "So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously." (Malachi 2:16)
Peace literally flooded over me. Now, after days and weeks of striving, agonizing over what to do, flip-flopping between this idea and that, I finally knew just what the Lord wanted me to do. "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4) Wasn't saving my marriage and restoring it what I really wanted?
I called one of my dearest friends, who was also my best prayer partner. When I told her what God had shown me she said that it was exactly what she had been thinking too. She rejoiced with me and pledged her support. In the months that followed I leaned on her an awful lot! The going did get pretty tough at times. But I kept my eyes on the Lord and didn't trust my own feelings - instead I chose to trust what the Word of God said. I also clung to the belief that Aaron and I were going to experience complete restoration.
An integral key to survival and fully experiencing God's grace during this time was that I continued to seek Him 2-3 hours daily. Part of that was taking a crash course in prayer! I read and practiced the things I learned in the classic book, With Christ in the School of Prayer: A 31-Day Course in Christian Prayer, with Note on George Muller
. In my next post I plan to highlight some of those things for you and give you practical ways to begin praying and taking a stand for your marriage. One challenge I had was learning to love my husband unconditionally. It was hard. I won't lie to you. It stretched me in ways I never had been before. Most days I had to remind myself that Christ's glory was central. Did I care more about my comfort, or bringing honor to Jesus? As for Aaron, he was pretty surprised when I began to repay him good for evil. "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21, emphasis mine) Did you catch that? Do you want the current evil in your life to be stopped dead in its tracks? Overcome it with good! The only way I made it was to rely on God's strength and refuse to allow Aaron's behavior to color mine. Finally, I held on to the promise, "And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not." (Galatians 6:9)
Bottom line is this: If you find yourself in similar circumstances, and want to save your marriage, BE THE ONE to start. Love unconditionally and begin to "stand in the gap." (Ezekiel 22:30) Don't wait for your husband to change or come to his senses because he may not without you winning him - "without a word." (1 Peter 3:1) Sincerely ask God to make you a "1 Peter 3 wife" and watch Him do it!
"God is on your side. Fight and win." - Debi Pearl, "Created to Be His Helpmeet"
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Questions Men Really Dislike #2
My husband is a "command man." My dad, however, is not. He's more of a "steady man." (If you have no idea what I'm talking about then check out this excerpt about the three types of men from "Created to Be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl: http://nogreaterjoy.org/blogs/createdtobehishelpmeet/excerpts/.)
What I am saying is that these two men have completely different personality types - and both men, have taken offense at the next question in my "Questions Men Really Dislike" series. I am ashamed to say that sometimes I just don't remember how offensive it really is. So I write this as a reminder to myself as well. In fact, I was guilty of asking this question just the other day!
My husband was facing a dilemma at work and, of course, I had a brilliant solution. (LOL!) "Honey, why don't you just ask him to hold on to them for you while we're gone?" I suggested. When he didn't respond right away I went to work on him again, "Just tell him we'll be on vacation and you don't have time to pick those up before we leave." Hmm, still no answer but I knew he was alive because he was staring hard at those forms in front of him. Finally, in exasperation I blurted out, "Look, why should you have to give up a day of vacation to go get those?" This time I had his attention, but by the look on his reddening face, it wasn't the kind I had hoped for!
Similarly, one weekend my dad came for a visit. He's a real handyman so he kindly offered to help me with a project around the house which I had put off doing. We were having fun, one of those warm father-daughter times, until I really put my foot in my mouth. "Hey Dad!" I exclaimed, "Why are you doing it like THAT?" He paused, paintbrush in midair, and slowly replied, "Oh really? If-you're-so-smart, then why don't you just do it yourself?" Oops! I had insulted him. Big time apparently. My dad is pretty laid back for the most part, so I knew I really came off in an offensive way. In this example, my tone was all wrong; but in the recent incident with Aaron, I had actually started out in my sweet, "helpful" tone of voice. Therefore, while recognizing that tone is important, this type of question itself is one most men find offensive no matter what, because of what it implies.
Basically, when you or I ask our husband, "Why did you...?", "Why don't you...?", or "Why are you...?" it's most often interpreted by him as, "Well duh, don't you know any better than that?" Or, "Here, you're hopeless, but I can help." In reply to my badgering the other day, my husband finally sighed, "Please, if I want your help I'll ask for it." His response was actually pretty gracious considering I had just made him feel really stupid.
At the deepest level, these types of questions are tied to a husband's feelings about his wife's acceptance of him. That would include acceptance of his decisions. In their excellent book, "How to Get Your Husband to Talk to You," Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby write, "Accepting your husband is like placing him under Niagara Falls during a heat wave instead of sending him off to the Sahara desert...Most women have no idea how much this means to a man. In a nutshell, it means everything." That's a pretty big claim, but one worthy of our consideration.
So, let's do that for a moment. In asking these types of questions could we be unknowingly doing what the authors go on to state? "Sometime during their marriage a wife will begin a small makeover project - her husband. She has the best intentions in the world (emphasis mine, note my example above - I really did have 'good intentions'). A little tweak here and a little fine-tuning there would make him even better than he already is. The cost is high though. You'll end up with a husband who resists your every suggestion." This should be very sobering for us as wives. Our husbands will almost always resist our efforts to change them or tell them how things "should be" done. If they do comply with our way, it may end up being accompanied by resentment.
I don't think any of us want that for our marriage. So what can we do? The first thing is that we must resist the temptation to be quick with correction, criticism, or chiding. Remember that God's Word admonishes us, " A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike." (Proverbs 27:15) Second, despite what we may say, we need to watch the tone as well - that is often loaded with contempt, which will kill the spirit of any man.
As always, I welcome your feedback here - I'd love to here from you! Blessings on your week.
What I am saying is that these two men have completely different personality types - and both men, have taken offense at the next question in my "Questions Men Really Dislike" series. I am ashamed to say that sometimes I just don't remember how offensive it really is. So I write this as a reminder to myself as well. In fact, I was guilty of asking this question just the other day!
My husband was facing a dilemma at work and, of course, I had a brilliant solution. (LOL!) "Honey, why don't you just ask him to hold on to them for you while we're gone?" I suggested. When he didn't respond right away I went to work on him again, "Just tell him we'll be on vacation and you don't have time to pick those up before we leave." Hmm, still no answer but I knew he was alive because he was staring hard at those forms in front of him. Finally, in exasperation I blurted out, "Look, why should you have to give up a day of vacation to go get those?" This time I had his attention, but by the look on his reddening face, it wasn't the kind I had hoped for!
Similarly, one weekend my dad came for a visit. He's a real handyman so he kindly offered to help me with a project around the house which I had put off doing. We were having fun, one of those warm father-daughter times, until I really put my foot in my mouth. "Hey Dad!" I exclaimed, "Why are you doing it like THAT?" He paused, paintbrush in midair, and slowly replied, "Oh really? If-you're-so-smart, then why don't you just do it yourself?" Oops! I had insulted him. Big time apparently. My dad is pretty laid back for the most part, so I knew I really came off in an offensive way. In this example, my tone was all wrong; but in the recent incident with Aaron, I had actually started out in my sweet, "helpful" tone of voice. Therefore, while recognizing that tone is important, this type of question itself is one most men find offensive no matter what, because of what it implies.
Basically, when you or I ask our husband, "Why did you...?", "Why don't you...?", or "Why are you...?" it's most often interpreted by him as, "Well duh, don't you know any better than that?" Or, "Here, you're hopeless, but I can help." In reply to my badgering the other day, my husband finally sighed, "Please, if I want your help I'll ask for it." His response was actually pretty gracious considering I had just made him feel really stupid.
At the deepest level, these types of questions are tied to a husband's feelings about his wife's acceptance of him. That would include acceptance of his decisions. In their excellent book, "How to Get Your Husband to Talk to You," Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby write, "Accepting your husband is like placing him under Niagara Falls during a heat wave instead of sending him off to the Sahara desert...Most women have no idea how much this means to a man. In a nutshell, it means everything." That's a pretty big claim, but one worthy of our consideration.
So, let's do that for a moment. In asking these types of questions could we be unknowingly doing what the authors go on to state? "Sometime during their marriage a wife will begin a small makeover project - her husband. She has the best intentions in the world (emphasis mine, note my example above - I really did have 'good intentions'). A little tweak here and a little fine-tuning there would make him even better than he already is. The cost is high though. You'll end up with a husband who resists your every suggestion." This should be very sobering for us as wives. Our husbands will almost always resist our efforts to change them or tell them how things "should be" done. If they do comply with our way, it may end up being accompanied by resentment.
I don't think any of us want that for our marriage. So what can we do? The first thing is that we must resist the temptation to be quick with correction, criticism, or chiding. Remember that God's Word admonishes us, " A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike." (Proverbs 27:15) Second, despite what we may say, we need to watch the tone as well - that is often loaded with contempt, which will kill the spirit of any man.
As always, I welcome your feedback here - I'd love to here from you! Blessings on your week.
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