What an Adulteress Knows (That Wives Need to Know)

Growing up did you ever get an 'F' on your report card? If you did, you probably remember the sting of humiliation that brought you. You received an 'F' because you failed that subject. While I never did get one of those dreaded grades, at least not on a report card, I have certainly failed at other things. 


For instance, I got a big, fat 'F' as a wife for the first 17 years of my marriage. You'd think I would have learned in that amount of time! Well, I didn't; but I'm a living testimony to the greatest teacher in the world today - our Lord Jesus Christ! When I finally sat at His feet and listened, He showed me how to be a good wife. But alas - I'm getting ahead of myself! First I'd like to tell you about the two things I failed to do and provide for my husband which eventually led us down the road to adultery. 

One Thing It's Not About

It is important, however, for me to stress something first so that we can hopefully eliminate at least one myth. A man who is unfaithful to his wife usually doesn't do so because the adulteress woman is drop-dead gorgeous. It's not as if he spots this beautiful woman whom his wife pales in comparison to, and so decides to pursue her. In fact, in many cases the opposite is true. Instead it's observed that the wife is actually more physically attractive than the mistress. While I want to be careful not to generalize too much, let me state that most of the time this comparison in looks is not a major factor in an unfaithful husband's thoughts or actions. My own husband told me that it didn't even cross his mind. As we'll see in a minute, it's not necessarily the adulteress's physical traits that attract a man, it's what she does and how she makes him feel.


Now, I don't want to beat a dead horse, but because they came to mind I'll give you a couple examples before we move on. So while I'm not really into following mainstream culture, I'm up on it enough to know that this phenomenon of the wife being more attractive than the mistress is common even in celebrity marriages. Two recent instances would be the affairs of Tiger Woods - whose wife is stunningly beautiful; and Jesse James, unfaithful to his wife, Sandra Bullock - who by comparison to her husband's mistresses, is a very classy lady indeed! 


So please, if your husband has been unfaithful and you're tempted to think it's because you're not as beautiful, remember these two examples. Just put that worry out of your mind! In fact, unless it was what society calls a "one-night stand," forget about physical attraction altogether. It truly is a small matter. I encourage you to soberly realize instead, dear sister, that adultery is usually much deeper than that. But there is an upside to that: We are born with our looks and other than losing weight or tweaking our appearance, we can only change so much. However, what we'll talk about in more detail later can absolutely transform us! It can affect every area of our hearts and life.


So let me start then by telling you that I've spent quite a bit of time studying who the adulteress woman is. I've looked at Scripture, as well as real-life, and noted some important things. In the last year I've had the chance to speak with different women whose husbands have been unfaithful, and I'm discovering that in each case their husbands' affair partner has a lot in common with the others. While this woman comes in every shape, size, color, and background, I think that we can draw some general conclusions about her. 


My purpose here in looking at these women is not so we may self-righteously exult ourselves. I've already admitted that I got an 'F' in Marriage 101. However, wouldn't you like to know why husbands can become attracted to them? If we could glean from this information, couldn't we also then help ourselves by first, learning from it, and second, applying what we've learned?

The Adulteress is a Failure, Too

Now, by the title of this section don't think for a moment that I mean she's a "loser." If you're in the beginning stages, or even in the midst of your spouse's adultery, it may be tempting to think of this woman in this light. Boy, don't I know it! I confess to you, dear sisters, that I had my share of unChrist-like thoughts toward the other woman for quite some time. However, as you experience the release of forgiveness, the desire to put her down will diminish along with a growing desire to see her through our Lord's eyes.

Perhaps you're wondering then what I mean by calling her a failure. Simply put, she's usually been around the block a few times, had her share of men, or however you want to say it - and it's not been pretty! While I stress again that to a degree I'm generalizing (but hopefully not stereotyping), there does seem to be this common thread among the "adversaries" of the wives I've talked to and have read about. This certainly was the case of the other woman in my marriage. Furthermore, it's not uncommon for adulteress women to be divorced, or in the process of going through a divorce. 


So then, enter your husband. He comes along and looks like a pretty stable guy. It could even be that she's known the two of you as a couple for some time and thinks it'd be pretty nice to have your life. In her mistaken notions, at least to some degree, she believes he's her knight in shining armor. She may or may not believe things would be different if she were with your husband, but she obviously is willing to give it a try. 


On the other hand, of course it's possible that none of the things I've mentioned are what motivate her. Having been hurt a number of times or presently in a painful relationship, she may just want to have the "pleasure" of ruining another person's good fortune. Sadly, this is just how some people think. A couple verses that demonstrate this are Proverbs 2:14, "(Those) Who delight in doing evil, And rejoice in the perversity of evil." And, "Doing wickedness is like sport to a fool." (Proverbs 10:23)  


However, the real bottom line is that whatever her motive (and there are literally millions possible) for going after a married guy, she's been a failure thus far. She would not have pursued your husband if this were not the case. Now, while it may seem like it, my intent here is not to thoroughly analyze the motives of an adulteress woman. I only wanted to briefly look at them so we could establish the fact that she has been a failure where long-term relationships are concerned. Building on that point then, we'll be able to see that while an overall failure, she actually does know something that you and I need to know. 


Before I get to her "secrets" though, I want to explain why I mentioned "long-term relationships" a moment ago. The reason is that because by contrast to her failure at lasting relationships, many adulteresses are expert at attracting men - at least for the short-term. I remember well having this very discussion with Aaron. It was early on in our marriage restoration when he told me that he had thought the other woman was pretty attractive when he first met her and "good" at attracting men. Without even thinking - though in retrospect I praise God that what I said was actually Biblical - I responded by blurting out angrily, "Well, of course she is! She's an adulteress!" 


So, what does this woman, the one the Bible calls the "evil woman," know? There are just two things really, so let's jump in and take a look at them now.

Admiration vs. Flattery

"To deliver you from the strange woman,

From the adulteress who flatters with her words." Proverbs 2:16

"For the lips of an adulteress drip honey

         And smoother than oil is her speech..." Proverbs 5:3

"To keep you from the evil woman,

         From the smooth tongue of the adulteress." Proverbs 6:24

These three verses spell it out in plain English for us - adulteress women are flatterers. One dictionary defined 'flatter' like this:) 1. To compliment excessively and often insincerely, especially in order to win favor; 2. To please or gratify the vanity of.  I'd like to zero in on something with you. It's the word 'insincerely,' used in the first definition. An adulteress does not truly admire or respect your husband or mine, but she will insincerely say flattering things to gain an advantage or "win favor" as it says. And over whom does she wish to gain an advantage? That's right - you and me. She's out to win the fight over this man. (And what could be more flattering to him than that?!) In summary then, here is the adulteress' first secret: She is an opportunist, aware of when a man lacks genuine admiration from his wife. Since she is not his wife, she can only give him a counterfeit of the real thing - what we call "flattery."

They say "Flattery will get you nowhere;" but the adulteress doesn't believe that for a moment! To her flattery does get her somewhere. Look again at Proverbs 5:3. It describes  with vivid word-pictures the way she entices a man: Lips that drip with "honey" and speech that's smoother than "oil." In ancient times, when Solomon penned these words, honey and oil were both valuable and desirable. But Solomon goes so far to say that her words are actually smoother than oil! It's as if he was saying that as valuable and desirable as oil is, her words are even better than this. (It's funny, but to my contemporary way of thinking I can't help but think she's also "slick" like oil - as in used-car salesman "slick.") 


Basically what we really need to understand is that an adulteress's speech sounds and feels good to a man deprived of genuine admiration in his marriage. It appeals to his flesh. But more than that, too. It appeals to a good side of his nature as well; the side of man that needs his wife to provide him with the respect that God Himself created him to need. Therefore, when such holy reverence is lacking, he becomes open to the evil flattery of a harlot.


Unfortunately most wives just don't realize all this. Like me for so long, they go about trying to change their husband, nagging, and criticizing; and ultimately they forget that they're not supposed to be head over their man. Instead, God placed the husband over the wife. When a wife usurps her husband's authority, there's a price to be paid!

"But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ." 1 Corinthians 11:3

Wives who have stepped outside their role also naturally fail to express acceptance, appreciation, and open admiration for their husbands as they should. Instead, the man in this situation feels like his wife holds him in contempt. You see, he takes things at face value. If she's always trying to change him and reminding him of his failures, then she must not like him for who he is. And really, you can't blame a guy for feeling this way! 


Now, whereas a wife holds within her power the ability to tremendously bless her husband and feed his soul with everything that is true and beautiful in God's sight; the adulteress, in the absence of this, has the ability to seduce someone's husband through her fake and insincere flattery. She offers him a counterfeit - and if he's hungry enough he'll fall for it. I believe such women seem to know this almost instinctively. It's as if their antennae are up, and they can spot a respect-starved man a mile away. They've learned to study men and have figured out that flattery is just the thing that will get them what they want.


I don't know much about the late writer and humorist Helen Rowland, but I think this quote by her contains a lot of wisdom: "A woman's flattery may inflate a man's head a little; but her criticism goes straight to his heart, and contracts it so that it can never again hold quite as much love for her." Oh boy - if that isn't a warning to us wives! Remember, the adulteress needs only to flatter a husband who's craving admiration and she'll have short-term success; giving this man just what he needs to develop an "addiction" to her and a schoolboy crush. That's why these types of relationships are so exciting to a cheating spouse and make him act like a thirteen year old boy rather than a grown man! Meanwhile, the unknowing wife, who continues in her ways, is making his heart become harder and harder toward her and his love wane or even cease to exist.


I know we'd like to think that even if we do criticize him or fail to admire him, he still doesn't have an excuse! And that's true, he doesn't. However, while we're on quotes I have another one for you to consider. This time it's by Debi Pearl from her book Created to be His Help Meet. Listen to what she says: "When a woman does not provide for her husband a comfortable nest and a reverent attitude, she has to rely on his goodness to 'keep him' faithful. She is a fool to expect him to be a good husband when she is not being the help meet God has created her to be. A man coming home to a tense or messy home, lousy meals, and a wife who is critical, might not have the 'goodness' to remain faithful if a sweet young woman at work seeks to pull him away with the promise (illusion) of a more fulfilling comfort zone."


Dear sister, could the truth be any clearer? We as wives have got to stop waiting for our husbands to somehow "earn" our respect! This idea of "Respect is something you earn" is from the world - not from the Lord! Instead, His Word tells us, "Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33) Remember - the Apostle Paul, who was writing in the wisdom of God, attached no conditions to these commands.


Therefore, just as our husbands are commanded to love us unconditionally - so we also are to respect them unconditionally. So your husband may be a first-class jerk, but you know what? God still calls you to respect him. He still calls you to die to yourself and meet his needs anyway. This is the truth I had to learn the hard way, as have countless other wives. I know some of you might say, "But how can I do this?! You don't know how awful he is!" You're right, I don't know nor will I ever. But one thing I do know and that's how incredibly AWESOME God is! Because of this, I also I know that you can respect your husband when you do it as unto the Lord! Let the reverence you show your husband be a direct manifestation of your reverence for God.


On the other hand, maybe your spouse isn't so bad. Maybe you've got a sound marriage. Or perhaps you would describe your marriage this way, but your husband would not. In the last year I've discovered that it's very common for a wife to feel everything is fine in her marriage and, without his wife's knowledge, the husband to feel the opposite. The reason for this may be that many times a woman is so taken up with the children and her own life (a real danger in homeschool families), that the husband is left feeling neglected or as if he's no longer number one. He longs to be his wife's hero, but instead ends up feeling more like a "zero!"  


I hope you're not doing this, dear sister. I hope your marriage is truly good, and your husband satisfied. However, if you're not so sure and there's a little doubt there, would you allow me to ask you a pointed question or two? Here they are: Have you given your husband any "soul food" lately? Have you taken care to intentionally safe-guard your marriage through the ministry of sincere acceptance (not trying to change him), appreciation, and especially ADMIRATION of your husband?


So how did you rate on these two questions? If you're not sure, you can always pray. Be assured that God wants to give you success as a wife and will identify for you any areas of shortcoming. In future posts we'll be exploring ways to respect our husbands that I believe will be both fun and exciting. We'll discover that it's not an impossible task, but something we can do one day and one step at a time.

God's Secret Weapon for Wives

Oh how I'd love to shout this message from the rooftops! Friend, it works! Respect really, really works and  has the power of God to change your man from a lying, cheating, and sneaking husband to one whose desire is to please God. I have seen it happen in my own husband's life, as well as in others I've recently met or have read about. Do you know why I said that it's the "power of God?" It's because this idea is not mine. Rather, it comes straight to us from the Bible and is His little secret weapon for wives:

"In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior."  1 Peter 3:1-2

I hope you'll grab a hold of this. The adulteress has just two things in her "arsenal." The first one, which we've been discussing, is flattery. We've read about it in the verses from Proverbs above. I've seen it play out in real life. In my own marriage, this is the way the other woman "lured" my husband in. She planned for when she'd see him again and then flattered him about his job. 

But we've also learned that we have a "missile defense shield."  We don't have to stand by just hoping and trusting in our husband's inherent goodness. We can keep him close to home and close to our heart through our own weapon - our respect. It is more powerful than we'll ever know. Aaron confirmed this recently when he remarked, "I really have a good wife now. You do so much for me. I have everything a man could want and more!"

The Second "Secret"

As much as I'd like to continue with this, I realize that this post is getting lengthy. However, before I conclude I'll give you a taste of the next post, which happens to be the second thing the adulteress knows. It is the power of femininity. But wait! We'll also discover that this, too, is only an illusion - a counterfeit. For she is anything but truly feminine. She is limited and only offers a man what I'm choosing to call "false femininity." This sort of person, the kind who wishes to ensnare a married man, resorts to using her best "feminine wiles." It's literally all she's got and goes only skin-deep.

Dear sister in the Lord - this is where we have a tremendous advantage! By contrast, we can exemplify Biblical femininity that is both true and enduring. It's beauty will not fade away. However, do we truly understand what Biblical femininity is? I thought I did - but I fell far short of the ideal. In fact, I still do; but I'm learning and relying on God's grace! 


Therefore, next time here on Oil of His Grace I'll be comparing these two very different things: true femininity versus false femininity. In addition, we'll see how today's world defines femininity very differently from the Word of God, and how it promotes that lie.

I'm really looking forward to it. I hope together we'll discover that being truly feminine is both a joy and a challenge. A good challenge though! And one that will really enhance our marriages.

Please, I invite your comments here so don't be shy! Or, if you prefer to speak to me privately, you may contact me by email at titus2homemaker@gmail.com. See you next time and until then, "May the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely..." (1 Thessalonians 5:23)

Obstacles to Healing - Part 5: Dismay & How to Prevent Future Affairs

"How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,

Nor stand in the path of sinners,

Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!

But his delight is in the law of the LORD,

And in His law he meditates day and night."

Psalm 1:1-2

Dismay. Was that the "D' word you were expecting? Perhaps not, but maybe you'll understand why I chose it when I express in a moment some common questions experienced by betrayed spouses. Most often these questions come on the heel of our decision to stay in the marriage and "work it out." But the problem is, we don't know how to work it out! We wonder what that looks like. We ask ourselves: Where do we go from here? What should I do? And, if I may be totally honest - What can we do to prevent this from happening again?!

Actually, for me, it was this last question that plagued me. It felt unacceptable not to have a plan in place to keep my husband accountable. I was frightened and insecure. Most of all, I didn't want to experience the pain of adultery again so I thought we needed something that would reassure me it would not happen a second time. Really, what I wanted was a guarantee. 

So I began to research. Not the Bible, but other "sources." Though I was a bit skeptical, I read books about infidelity and affairs written by secular authors, as well as their websites. For some reason I had a really hard time finding books with solid Biblical advice regarding this issue; but I was desperate for answers so I devoured just about everything I bought or read. Finally I ended up ordering a book that I thought was Christian (its author claimed to be a Christian), but sadly its advice contained the same elements as that of the worldly-minded "affair experts." None the less, I bought into it.


Basically, the idea behind the advice was that the only way to prevent a future affair was to be completely, 100% honest about the attractions we feel for other people. In the eyes of the affair experts its a natural part of life to feel attracted to people other than our spouse. The important thing is to discuss them with our husband or wife so that they don't remain secret. It's the secrecy that's dangerous. However, if these attractions are brought into the light, and we're honest about them, it diffuses their power and prevents us from acting on them. Then we can talk about what's wrong in our relationship and why we're feeling attracted to another person.


Well, on the surface this sounds like good advice. In a way, it even seems to line up with the Bible. After all, doesn't His Word tell us to be honest? Doesn't it warn us against secret things? "Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts." (1 Corinthians 4:5) 


On the other hand, after deeper inspection, I think we'll conclude that there are several things wrong with this advice. To get a handle on this though, I'd like to start by distinguishing between man's wisdom and God's wisdom. Or as Scripture refers to them - the wisdom which "descendeth not from above" (James 3:15), versus "the wisdom that is from above." (James 3:17) 

Man's Wisdom Leaves God Out

Of man's wisdom the Bible says this: "This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic." The King James Version puts it, "...earthly, sensual, devilish." (James 3:15) In stark contrast, God's wisdom is defined this way: "But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy." (James 3:17) 


By just this quick glance we see how vastly different they are from one another. However, I'd like to draw special attention to one of the words which describes earthly wisdom - "natural;" or as the King James more graphically renders it - "sensual." Now, let the meaning of those words sink in for a moment. Then compare it with the picture you get for the word that is associated with God's wisdom, which is "pure."


On just the strength of comparison between these two words, we'll see in a minute just how far (and how fast!) we should run from any advice that encourages natural thinking. So let's begin by looking a little deeper at this first word. It's the Greek psuchikos. I've already said that it's been translated as "natural" or "sensual" in this passage from James. In a short sense it means "animal, natural, sensuous." The Lockman Foundation describes it as "worldy-minded," while Strong's Exhaustive Concordance goes a bit further and says that it refers to that which is of the "lower or bestial nature." Finally, and perhaps most helpful, the Helps Word-Studies notes this definition for psuchikos: "Soulish, i.e. what is natural, as it relates to physical (tangible) life alone (i.e. apart from God's inworking of faith)." 


So, from this last definition we could certainly say that earthly wisdom leaves God out. It excludes God from the picture. Remember I said a few moments ago that the advice I received "sounded good" on the surface? As I look back now, I believe this was because earthly, or man's wisdom, will always place an emphasis on natural man - what "feels good" or "seems right" to man. This is seen in the Bible where it says, "There is a way which seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death." (Proverbs 16:25) This "way" ascends no higher than our own human reasoning and attempts to work "apart from God's inworking of faith," as we saw above. Therefore, at least in the beginning of our marriage reconciliation, this "wisdom" appealed to me because it appealed to my flesh.


Here's the problem then as I stated before - this advice totally left God out of the loop. If you or I are going to attempt to prevent another affair from happening in our marriage by having our husband tell us about every attraction he feels for another woman, or vice versa, we make no room for God's working. I've made a diagram here to demonstrate this. 

In this diagram we see that there is an exchange between husband and wife. He tells me when he feels a pull toward someone else, as do I. Yes, we may be honest with each other, but we haven't invited God into our situation, nor have we dealt with the underlying heart issues. A couple verses come to mind in regards to this. The first one, in contrast to this advice, stresses the importance of asking God into every detail of our life:

"In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight." 

Proverbs 3:6

Notice the if/then relationship in this verse. If we acknowledge Him, then will He respond by making our paths straight. Or, maybe I should paraphrase in the context of what we've been talking about and say that God will make things go right in our marriage, when we seek to do things His way.

The second verse discusses how God views man's wisdom:

"Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?" 1 Corinthians 1:20

From the Lord's perspective, the wisdom of the wisest man is but foolishness - it's nonsense! Everything God has revealed through the Bible, however, has been for the purpose of showing us a better way. HIS way. Ever since the fall, man has always attempted to live apart from God, coming to inadequate conclusions about how to deal with the hard things of life.


So let's bring that right down to how to handle the issue of preventing a future affair from happening. Should we rely on man's wisdom, or does God's Word address this concern? Let me tell you that it most definitely does (which we'll soon discover), and stress here that unless we go to God with our marriage and our family, we will be assured of nothing! However, if we go to God, allowing Him to build our marriage and our family, we can be confident of success. While I'm sure you're familiar with it, here's a wonderful verse to illustrate my point:

"Unless the LORD builds the house, They labor in vain who build it; Unless the LORD guards the city, The watchman keeps awake in vain." Psalm 127:1

Focuses on the Natural Man

So, while the first problem with the advice from the affair experts is that it leaves God out of our marriage and out of the (re)building process; the second major problem is the emphasis on the natural man. We should recognize that it gives inappropriate place, and value, to the carnal nature. 

Someone might wonder, how so? Well, let's look at what the affair experts say. They advise us to tell our spouse when we're feeling attracted to someone else... Please! If it's gotten that far it's become more than a passing glance at an attractive person. (Which is normal, by the way!) Of course we're going to notice a handsome man or beautiful woman. We can't deny that. Additionally, it's not sinful to notice physically attractive people because we're apt to acknowledge it and then give little additional thought to the matter. "Oh, there's a handsome man. That's nice."

But that's not what they're talking about. What the affair experts mean is an attraction that goes beyond just thinking someone looks good. They mean a dangerous attraction - a desire to get to know that person more. A natural pull, they would call it, toward someone other than our husband or wife. While the secular mind recognizes that such an attraction is a threat to the marriage, it excludes recognition of the process that brought a person to that place. "Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death." (James 1:15) To unbelievers, such things as this just naturally occur. Denying that it's actually sin, however, means their proposed "solution" is completely inadequate. It lacks the power of God, through the Holy Spirit, to defeat sin at its root. 


So, while as Christians we can't deny that such attractions do happen, we must ask relevant questions. First, what can we find in the Scriptures that would address this issue? And second, what can we do to prevent initial attractions from developing into those that can lead to adultery? 

• First things first! On the issue of when we first recognize that we're becoming attracted to another person how about applying this verse: "The prudent (man) sees the evil and hides himself, but the naive go on, and are punished for it." (Proverbs 22:3)
• What does it mean that the prudent man "hides himself?" First, if possible, it's wise to physically get away from that person. In other words, don't shop the store where he's employed, or visit the gym where he works out. Think of Joseph and Potiphar's wife. Now, while most of the time we think only of the part where Joseph runs away from her and she grabs his tunic, do you realize that he was already behaving wisely toward her before this? Genesis 39:10 tells us in the New Living Translation (which I don't normally use but is really helpful here), "She kept putting pressure on Joseph day after day, but he refused to sleep with her, and he kept out of her way as much as possible." Wow! I feel like shouting, "Yes! Way to go Joseph!" Despite his youth and inexperience with women, he prudently avoided her as much as he could.
• Second, a really good answer to how a man hides himself is that he begins by protecting his heart - the place where Jesus said all sin, including adultery, begins. (Matthew 15:19) A good verse to meditate on, therefore, is Proverbs 4:23, "Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life." 
• How can I do this? How can I watch over my heart? My friend, it's the thoughts we allow ourselves to entertain in our heart that get us into trouble. So consider this verse: "We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5)
• Instead of just "putting off" those sinful thoughts, we need to then also "put on" godly thoughts: "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." (Philippians 4:8) And, "O LORD, who may abide in Your tent? Who may dwell on Your holy hill? He who walks with integrity, and works righteousness, And speaks truth in his heart." (Psalm 15:1-2)

Arouses to Sin

"Fine, fine, fine!" I can hear someone reading this say. "I agree with all that, but it wasn't ME who had an affair!" Okay, fair enough. So are you saying that you can only watch your heart and take your thoughts captive, but that won't make your spouse do those things, or keep him from having another affair?! 

Well friend, you're right - it won't. In fact, you can do nothing at all to keep your spouse from having another affair. If any person (including your husband) is bent toward sin, and not God, it won't matter that he has "accountability." Forced into it and without truly having a desire for it or the things of God, there's a good chance that person may lie just to avoid getting into "trouble." In fact, let me be so bold to say that without feeling the freedom to choose whether to be accountable and faithful, a spouse may be more tempted than ever to cheat. A verse of Scripture that bears this out is Romans 7:5, "For while we were in the flesh, the sinful passions, which were aroused by the Law, were at work in the members of our body to bear fruit for death." 


Next to the Bible the best thing I've read about this concept of the law, or (in a similar sense here) forced accountability, arousing a person to sin is a quote from John MacArthur. He stated, "Nothing is more appealing to sinful man than to do something that is expressly forbidden. Simply tell people what they cannot do and they will rush to disobey."


Think with me a moment about young adult children of Christian parents who were well-behaved, church-going children while growing up; yet who left home and completely rejected the Christian lifestyle. Oftentimes we're surprised when this happens. But really, think about it. While still at home their parents acted as a "restraining force;" but once out from under dad and mom's authority, they go the way of the world because they never really knew Christ. Instead of being restrained by the Holy Spirit, these children had only their parents to restrain them from sin. They experienced "law," but never received grace. "But now we have been released from the Law, having died to that by which we were bound, so that we serve in newness of the Spirit and not in oldness of the letter." (Romans 7:6)


So, here's a couple questions for you. Do you believe in laying down "the law" with your husband? Do you think that by encouraging him to think about what women he finds attractive, and telling you about it, you may act as a "restraining force?" Think about that and then answer this question: Do you really want the responsibility of trying to control your husband for the rest of your life?


These are important questions, dear sister! Oh, how I struggled with this! I wanted to control things, but I got so exhausted trying!

So What Can We do?

Let me give you some things you can do that will make life a little easier and more enjoyable in the long run. These are some Biblical actions you can actually begin to take right now toward preventing future affairs. What's more, you'll grow and mature as a Christian first, and then as a wife.

1.) Trust God. Give your spouse to the Lord. "How blessed is the man who has made the LORD his trust, And has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood." (Psalm 40:4) And, "Blessed is the man that trusteth in the LORD, and whose hope the LORD is." (Jeremiah 17:7)

2.) Pray. Give this concern to the Lord. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

3.) Become an outstanding and fascinating woman who pleases God, and inspires her husband to love and cherish his wife. You may do this by... A) Asking God for insight...B) Considering how to provoke him to love and good works. (Hebrews 10:24)... C) Learning what the Bible says about being an excellent wife. The Lord willing, this will be the subject for my next post!

You want to know the really neat thing? Remember the diagram above? It showed us how the advice of the "affair experts" left God out of the picture. However, allow me to encourage you that when you Trust God, Pray, and Become an outstanding and fascinating woman, you'll be inviting the Lord into your marriage. You'll discover the wellspring of His wisdom! The diagram below will now illustrate for us what a marriage characterized by seeking God, gaining wisdom, and applying that wisdom to the relationship should look like.

Now, looking at this diagram you may be tempted to think that this only works when both parties are seeking God. Conventional, or should I say "worldly" wisdom, would certainly tell us that. Next time, though, I hope to convince you by my personal experience that a marriage can be turned around by just one spouse willing to do the right thing. I DO NOT say this to credit myself because for far too many years I sought to do my own thing, and have my own way. Instead I give God all the glory for what He has done in my heart, and in fact is still doing! I have such a long way to go!!

Let's go back to the beginning of this post. Are you dismayed my friend? Are you afraid, not sure whether you can live without being assured of your husband's future faithfulness? Please, don't be. Don't live in fear. Remember that God has not given you "the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7) Go in God's peace today. See you back soon!

Men Just Aren't as....Exclamatory?!

A conversation I had with a reader of this blog earlier today was too good not to share! She and I made some amusing observations about our husbands in regards to the last post. I thought you might enjoy them! 


1) We both agreed that although our husbands don't shower us with praise or compliments on a consistently steady basis - they don't do this with other people either! (Hmm, now there's something to think about.) On the other hand, we both knew of husbands that are exceptions to this "rule."  Husbands who seem to adore their wives, but also seem to easily compliment other women as well! Our conclusion? Better to have our husbands! We even laughed over this and said that it would be better to have no compliments from our husband, then to have a husband who always compliments other women! 


2) This got us started on the subject of the way we say things, versus the way our husbands say them. For example, one of us might say to our husband, "Oh honey, you look great tonight! You're so handsome in those new clothes!" But he, essentially meaning the same thing, would probably say: "You look nice." ...Period! No exclaiming or fussing; just straightforward "guy language."


3) Then there's those words women tend to use that may not actually be found in our husbands' vocabularies. I, for one, mentioned that many times I've said something is "sooo wonderful," but Aaron never says anything like that. Well, my friend didn't miss a beat. She replied right back, "I know! I doubt my husband even thinks to put those two words together!" What's funnier yet is that neither of us could remember a time when our husbands even used the word "wonderful!" 


Now, let me wrap this up by saying that I've been writing here in a light-hearted manner about a serious subject. The disparity between the sexes is one that's caused an untold number of misunderstandings between husbands and wives, as well as much heartache and misery. However, may I stress that it doesn't have to be that way - if we'll only remember that men really are different from us. Not wrong, just different. They are as God made them, just as we are. He created each sex unique to fulfill their roles; yet perfectly complimenting one another. Therefore, husbands and wives speak and communicate entirely distinct from one another.


So let's take heart in the fact that there's no such thing as a husband who's the embodiment of a knight in shining armor. No man will perfectly meet the need of his wife for affirming words. He can't, for he truly does not understand it. Dear sister, please remember this - fairy tales are not real, yet the man we married is very real. Learn to appreciate him as such and believe that he feels the same things you do, but expresses them differently. Today, when I hung up and thought about it some more, I smiled and giggled a moment. I found that I like my husband; he's a real man alright! And I like the way he says things. Short and to the point!

Men Just Aren't as Expressive!

One of the neatest and most enjoyable things the book Fascinating Womanhood encourages readers to do is to keep a "love booklet." In the pages of your booklet you are to record the loving responses of your husband as you practice the principles of Fascinating Womanhood. In this way, you'll have a precious keepsake to reminisce about years later. The author, Helen Andelin, kept one for years, right up to her husband's death at which time she was blessed to record his last words to her.


I, also, am finding joy in keeping a love booklet and hope to do it for a lifetime. In fact, just last week I recorded that Aaron came up from behind, gently put his hands on me, and said, "I was just thinking today how happy I am to be married to you." Then last night, after some good "shoulder-to-shoulder" time jogging together, he replied, "You know, you really are a good wife and have been an encouragement to me lately." Well, let me tell you - that went right into my love booklet! I even tell him when I'm going to write something in there and he gets a real kick out of it.


However, as great as all this is, there is one thing I feel I should mention. I have observed, and I believe it's a principal in general with men, that husbands are not nearly as verbally expressive as their wives. I began to notice this early on in our marriage. Back then I would get really "put out" and couldn't understand why I showered my husband with verbal love, yet he didn't respond in like. Sometimes I'd even resort to dropping hints or manipulating him to say the things I wanted to hear. This went over about as well as a lead balloon!


In their book Motivating Your Man God's Way - Applying One Word That Energizes Your Husband To Love, Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs address this very issue. They state: "Women want to talk about matters of the heart. They do not feel obligated to do this; they yearn to do this. When first married, they felt their husbands would be their intimate friends. Yet, he was less expressive at that level. So she talked more and more." 


Not surprisingly, their conclusion pinpoints exactly what I had experienced as a young wife: "She can feel frustrated by what appears to be his lack of expressiveness and responsiveness at an intimate level." Unfortunately, in my case, this frustration spewed out in the way I treated my husband and caused a lot of heartache for us both. Many years of marriage went by - wasted by my discontentment to be married to such a romantic nincompoop.


I'm glad, however, that as I've grown older perhaps I've grown a little wiser as well. Nowadays I realize that being expressive is just not as natural for men; for they are "do-ers" more than anything. By contrast, sociologists describe women as expressive-responsive. This is rooted in our nurturing abilities. It has even been shown in some studies that we speak significantly more words in a given day than our male counterparts. We are "speak-ers" more than anything. Therefore, most wives will exceed their husbands, many times over, in the area of affirming and loving words. 

My point to all this, dear sisters, is to remind us to be thankful for the words of affirmation that our husbands do say because they are NOT cheaply given! When they say them, they mean them - and that, in itself, is richly rewarding. These days, I light up when Aaron says sweet things. You may wonder if he does this everyday. Let me say that no - of course he doesn't - but that's okay, because he's the most romantic man I know! 


Therefore, please learn from my mistakes and treasure your husband's attempts. He's trying, in his own way, to tell you how much you mean to him. Why not even write them down to look at later! If you haven't done this yet, I highly recommend you try. I know it will bless you both. 


In closing, I encourage you above all to never berate your husband for being less verbal than you; but rather praise God that He made us male and female! He's a man! Learn to appreciate that.


I'm starting on the next post later today (my daughter is at a friend's, so it's a good day for writing!). This subject was on my heart, though, and so I wanted to sneak this one in first. Hope to see you back for the last Obstacle to Healing!

Praying to End Abortion Prayer Guide

"If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14

Hi everyone! For just this post I'd like to switch gears and focus on something near and dear to my heart - and more importantly, the heart of God. Ladies, it's crucial that we be praying and standing against the powers of darkness over our land that have given us this present "culture of death." I am speaking about abortion today. I am speaking about the tragedy of roughly 50 million children who have been killed behind clinic doors since the legalization of abortion in 1973.

Please, don't turn a blind eye to this! Please consider getting involved. Right now I am excited to tell you about a way you can do this. In just a little over a week, another "40 Days for Life" Campaign will begin and will be from March 9 - April 17. If you haven't heard of this effort, let me tell you a little more. From their website here are their vision and mission statements:

"40 Days for Life is a focused pro-life campaign with a vision to access God’s power through prayer, fasting, and peaceful vigil to end abortion in America.

The mission of the campaign is to bring together the body of Christ in a spirit of unity during a focused 40 day campaign of prayer, fasting, and peaceful activism, with the purpose of repentance, to seek God’s favor to turn hearts and minds from a culture of death to a culture of life, thus bringing an end to abortion in America."

Since its beginning in 2007, there have been seven coordinated 40 Days for Life campaigns which have taken place in 337 cities across all 50 of the United States, 7 Canadian providences, 4 Australian states, plus England, Northern Ireland, and Denmark. And the momentum is building! They're anticipating the next campaign to be the largest international campaign yet, with more people and countries participating than ever! The results from the threefold mission of prayer, fasting, and peaceful vigils, have been incredible. They have given pro-life people renewed hope and courage.

For more information, including how to get involved, please go to their website at: http://www.40daysforlife.com/

Anyway, I was just thrilled to tell you about this in case you didn't know what's going to be happening soon - all across the globe! I hadn't heard of 40 Days myself until recently when the head of our church's mission committee asked me to check it out and tell her what I think. After looking at their website and reading about it I told her I felt it was a great idea. Really in line with the heart of God.


However, I also felt, as a post-abortive woman, that our church needed a tool for people to know what to pray and, hence, a prayer guide. But I couldn't just have it be for our church - so I'm killing two birds with one stone by posting it here as well! 


I don't know about you, but I get really excited when I think about being "united in spirit and intent on one purpose" (Philippians 2:2) with believers from all over the world! Therefore, even if you're not going to participate in a 40 Days for Life campaign, I hope you'll still consider joining us in prayer during that time. Together we can lift our voices before the Lord and plead for the lives of unborn children, and for their mothers and fathers. 


Perhaps you could dedicate an entire 24 hour period to earnestly praying throughout the day about this issue. Or commit an uninterrupted hour to seeking God. Whatever way you feel led, remember that you can make a difference by standing in the gap through prayer! Before I get to the guide I want to share the following video that shows the amazing power of prayer. It features a lady named Abby Johnson, Planned Parenthood's Employee of the Year 2008, whose heart and mind were changed during the 40 Day prayer vigil that took place outside the clinic where she was director in 2009. It's absolutely incredible what God did. Watch and I think you'll agree and be blessed!

Prayers for 40 Days of Life

1. Begin with praising God and thanking Him for the gift of life (1 Corinthians 15:45; John 5:21) The Psalms are a great place to begin searching for words of worship and praise. Although too numerous to list, here are some good ones: Psalm 9, 24, 34, 36:5-12, 48, 66, 68, 84, 89, 90, 92, 95, 96, 103, 138, & 145. Perhaps you'll find a few that you like even better. Just don't overlook this opportunity to tell God how awesome and mighty He is!

2. Pray for women in your community and abroad who are considering abortion at this moment. Ask God to remove all ungodly influence and deception in their lives, and instead give them eyes to see the truth about the personhood of their unborn child. Pray that these women would love and cherish their children. Ask that He minister to each woman, helping her to deal with her emotions and not "listen" to them, but do what is right. Especially ask God to remove all fear and give them the moral courage to carry their babies to term.

3. Ask God to bring people who will "speak the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15) into each woman's life and show her they care. 

4. In this endeavor of showing care to women considering abortions, as well as those choosing to give birth, ask God to help the Pregnancy Care Center in your area, and those nationwide, to carry out their work of mercy. Pray that God would supply all the needs of these ministries. (Philippians 4:19)

5. Pray that as unborn children are saved from abortion, they would be properly cared for and nurtured when they are born. Ask God to give the mothers courage to place their babies for adoption if they are unable to care for them themselves. Also pray that the Lord would bring the right couples into the mothers' lives to adopt and parent their children.

6. Remember to pray for the fathers of these babies as well. Ask the Lord to restore to their hearts the God-given desire to protect their children. Additionally, pray that God would turn the hearts of these fathers toward their children. (Malachi 4:6)

7. Pray for the abortion clinic workers. Ask God to remove the blinders from their eyes, and see the evil they are doing. Ask God to "remove the heart of stone from (their) flesh and give (them) a heart of flesh." (Ezekiel 36:26) Pray that the truth would so shake them that they would quit their jobs and leave the abortion industry.

8. Pray also specifically for the abortion doctors. Ask God that He would grant them godly sorrow leading to repentance, and repentance leading to the acknowledging of the truth, so that they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will. (2 Corinthians 7:10; 2 Timothy 2:26)

9. Ask God to grant salvation to the mothers, fathers, abortion clinic workers, and doctors. Ask God to "open their eyes so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the dominion of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and an inheritance among those who have been sanctified by faith in (Him)." (Acts 26:18)

10. Pray for those who are involved in supporting the practice of abortion: Activists, lobbyists, and politicians. Ask God to shed the light of His truth upon their hearts and that they would become convicted of their behavior. Ask God to grant that they would not be "wise in (their) own eyes, (but) fear the Lord, and turn away from evil." (Proverbs 3:7)

11. Ask the Lord to help those women who have had abortions to find healing and forgiveness through Him. (Isaiah 61:3) Then ask Him to move on their hearts to speak out against this atrocity. Pray that, as the Lord leads, they would feel an obligation to share the truth as only they can. Ask that their fear, shame, and guilt would be taken away and they would be given courage and grace. 

12. On a local and national level, ask the Lord's help and protection for those fighting for life through grass-roots and legislative means. Ask God to grant them success as they honor His Word and principles. Pray for unity and that they would be "of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, (and) intent on one purpose." (Philippians 2:2) Also ask that if they should engage with those who, at this time, support abortion, that their speech toward them would be "with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that (they) will know how (they) should respond to each person." (Colossians 4:6)

13. Where politicians have turned a deaf ear to their constituents regarding pro-life legislation, ask God to cause them to now heed the voices of those constituents. Pray that they would remember that they are in our state and federal governments to represent the will of the people.

14. Ask God for hearts and minds throughout our country to be changed and renewed. Additionally, pray that He would send His Holy Spirit to bring revival to a land that desperately needs it, and that many would come to know Christ as Savior. Acknowledge that we, as a nation, have greatly sinned and offended Him (including the shedding of innocent blood), but we're now humbly asking for mercy. Tell Him that we know judgment must begin with the household of God (1Peter 4:17) and we invite that to happen. Ask Him to cleanse and heal us as a Church first, and then as a nation.

15. Ask God to make pastors and spiritual leaders stand firm and steadfast in speaking the truth about abortion. Pray that if there be a spirit of complacency or indifference in any of them, He would remove this and give them a passion for saving the lives of the unborn. Along with this, ask that God would grant them courage and that they would fear God rather than man.

16. Ask the Lord to help us to be diligent in praying for and supporting our pastors, spiritual leaders, and ministry leaders as they take their stand to end abortion and support life. 

17. Pray that we as Christians would not just focus on fighting against abortion, but would also find creative ways to proactively support life. Ask God to open our eyes and show us how we can reach out to single mothers, adopting couples, elderly people and others who need our help. Pray that God would put specific individuals on our hearts.

18. Ask God to make us diligent to teach our children the truth. Pray that we would demonstrate by example a respect for all life and a willingness to defend it. (Luke 6:40)

19. Ask God to show you if He wants you to become more involved in this fight to protect and save unborn children from death. If you sense that He does, ask Him to clearly reveal in what way. Finally, pray that you may serve Him with the strength He supplies so that He may be glorified through it. (1 Peter 4:11)

20. Finally, pray first for specific clinics in your area, and then throughout our nation, to be closed. Ask God to do whatever it takes, and that He would no longer allow them to perpetuate evil. Tell God that we acknowledge they are altars to a false god and the idolatry of this age. Ask Him to cut them them off as He did the remnant of Baal in the days of old. (Zephaniah 1:4)


Praise God for this opportunity to join with other believers in this 40 Days of Life. Ask Him to put His hand of blessing upon us and prosper our efforts. Plead that our own hearts would be changed, and hope renewed, through this time of prayer.

___________________________________

Certainly this list of prayer items is not complete. Please pray as the Spirit of God leads. Furthermore, consider fasting while you pray as a means of setting aside earthly cares and earnestly focusing on worshiping and petitioning the Lord. If you need encouragement from the Bible, look to the Book of Esther. This story, in fact, is a remarkable example of results obtained through fasting and prayer. It demonstrates the dynamic power of collective and personal fasting during matters of national importance, and would be a blessing to reread and study at this time.

It's been good for me to focus on abortion for a time. It's given me reawakened zeal to see it end and post-abortive women forgiven and set free. Thanks so much for stopping by! I have a busy week ahead but I hope to soon finish the Identifying & Overcoming the Obstacles to Healing series with the fourth and final 'D' word. Specifically, that post will address the issue facing many betrayed spouses of Where Do We Go from Here? Then we will explore some ways we may equip ourselves for a brighter future. So I hope you will join me right back here next time! Until then, may "The LORD bless you, and keep you; The LORD make His face shine on you, And be gracious to you." (Numbers 6:25)